The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
Dears is, thanks for your wonderful advice. Thank you so much since I’m undergoing seperation and waiting for the Lord’s work. Your words were comforting…Thank you.
Hello, my wife and I have been separated for little over a month now and we have not spoken to each other. The only time we spoke was when she had told me about that we needed to schedule a time to meet up and discuss everything. I let her know what my schedule was for that week and still there was no response. She says her mind is set on not being with me but she still has not filed or I think she has. But I would think if someone wants out they would not hesitate to do it and get it done.
I have been married for 14 years. After an argument my wife left me. She has been out of the house for a month now. She is telling me its over. I have told her I will not give he a divorce. We have 2 bits that are staying with her at her mother’s. We have talked and she says she’s not coming back. I have told her to give me a chance to fix things. She said she has tried and tried and now it’s over.
I don’t know what else to do. She will be visiting in our home for Christmas and leaving. She is staying only 10 miles away. I don’t know what to do. I am believing God for a miracle. I don’t see a light at the end at this time. Thanks for your help. Larry
Prayers move mountains. See God…
My wife left October 11th this year. This is both our second marriage; we’re a blended family with 5 kids between the 2 of us. There are no biblical grounds for divorce but with that said, we’ve had issues the past few months to say the least. She says not to have any hope in her coming back… I have accepted that but am continuing to work on me, allowing God to work on the “we” in our marriage and putting hope for reconciliation in Him. If anyone has been through separation where one spouse has hardened their heart and wants out and has been able to reconcile, any advice or suggestions please share and prayers are much appreciated. God bless!
Hi Brian, I’m going through a very similar situation. My husband of 5 yrs (been togethor 10) left me November 15th of this year. We, as well, are a blended family with 4 children. I would just like to ask for prayer that my marriage be reconciled. Im devastated and feel like I can’t move on without him. I love him dearly and it seems he just cut his feelings off like it’s nothing. Our marrigar was getting bad over the years, lots of physical verbal and mental abuse on both our ends. I feel that things could change; we can go get counseling etc., but at this point he is saying it’s over. Anybody with advice in this situation I would greatly appreciate. I just want the pain to stop.
I have been seperated from my husband for 2 years and 8 months. My husband got involved in an affair with a woman who was my best friend. This has been a long hard journey with many tears spilled by many people, not just myself and my husband. Through all of this I have felt the Lord leading me to just wait for Him to work things in His own way.
Not too many people have supported this wisdom until today when I read this article. Thank you for posting this, it really is like a fresh drink of water. I do believe God is greater than any evil force in this world who wants to kill, steal, and destroy what God has created. He desires to give us life, and life more abundantly. I look forward to reading more on this site.
Keep standing. Check out http://www.rejoicemarriageministries.org.
Hello, I could really use some advice. I have been married for 5 1/2 years, I am younger in my 20’s. My husband wants a separation. He told me about a week ago. As soon as he told me it’s like he has gone wild; staying out every night. One night he didn’t even come home. He is already seeing someone, I know this because I found flower wrappers in his truck, he also cares a lot more about his looks, etc.
He doesn’t want to be around me at all. It’s weird because I was his world. Every day he told me how much he was in love with me and how happy he was. Then all of a sudden he comes home and says he’s not happy and moves on to someone else quick. We still share the same residence, I sleep on the couch and he sleeps in the bed when he is home.
So far he is still paying all the bills and everything, but on my credit card account I can see where has been going out to eat different places constantly. I don’t know if he is just going through a wild part of his life, or if he just now wants to be single. Someone please help me and give me some advice. This just doesn’t make sense to me.
During Christmas, my wife and I decided it would be best to separate for a short time. We had been fighting over tiny things. We have a 3 month old daughter, and we didn’t want to subject her to the fighting. My wife found out she wasn’t producing enough breast milk and our daughter finally took to the bottle (a little bit of stevia helps). When we made bottles, I would insist on following the directions to a tee, but all my wife heard was, “you’re a bad mother”. So, needless to say, we began fighting over making bottles. I now understand how she felt during this, she must have thought she wasn’t made to be a mom. I had been so blind to her feelings.
She wanted me gone. I left where we were vacationing early (her request). When I got home, I came to realize that she had a friend take our only vehicle. This kept me from working. I had just started a successful company, and without a vehicle, I had to cancel all my contracts.
I moved out. A week and a half later I was served a “protection order”, where she claimed I was abusive. I consented to the form so that she could feel secure and uncontrolled. I denied the allegations. She claimed I had punched her in the throat, kicked her in her c-section incision (1.5 months healed), punched her in the back of the head and pushed her around.
The truth is that she had been very abusive to me, even to the point of the police being called on her. Each time she would attack me I’d grab her hands and shove her away. I train in fighting, and if I did as she claimed, there would have been severe damage. I never abused her physically. But I did abuse her mentally. She wanted to love me so badly but I couldn’t see it. I chose to only see the hurt she was causing me.
I feel incredibly lost in all of this. I take responsibility for my actions and have been earnestly seeking out God. He’s the only thing keeping me from putting a gun to my head. I pray for God to take my life away. I don’t want to live a life away from my family. I wake up in pain. When I study God’s word, this pain goes away. But I can’t be in my studies every second of the day. The pain is too much for me to bear.
My wife and I are married for five years and I loved her dearly. I still have my feelings for her. I met and married my dream wife when I was 38 and I thought I was blessed with having such a beautiful and high educated wife with an absolute bright future. I sponsored her to become a Canadian permanent resident and helped her to get admission from one of the best Universities in Canada for her doctoral degree right after she arrived. I worked hard to provide all necessary things to make a good luxury life.
I was also supporting my parents who were living with us temporarily for only 5 months and that created an issue after a while with my wife who was unhappy about their presence. My parents left us with no bad feelings, but my wife put a break on loving me. I was aware of it but I tried to put things back together by improving our love style and life style together, by giving her time to do her job at school and helped her at home sincerely. We bought a brand new beautiful house with my good credit and we did lots of hard works inside and outside of our home.
My parents came back but stayed in a separate apartment. However, my wife and her mother from oversea were so unhappy and objected to the presence of my parents in Canada. They thought they were living too close to us (about 20 km away) and that is a deal breaker. Her feelings toward our marriage got worst and weakened. We were arguing at times. After 3 years of marriage I asked her if we can have a baby together, but she refused due to her school projects and I was talking about it every few months for two years. She once got pregnant accidently 10 months ago but the embryo died strangely after 9 weeks.
Our relation got worst and she called police on me just before Christmas, 2014. Now I have been forced by law to not contact her and she chose to leave our beautiful house for a shelter. I am in despair, I am confused, I am hopeless. I have never planned for such a disaster. I bear things to myself, but I hurt emotionally and financially. Now I should pay for Lawyer and mortgage and property taxes and other costs of living by myself. I am broke in every measure.
I have no way of knowing if she wants to leave me forever or come back one day. Even I don’t know how to decide after she put me in this situation to deal with criminal charges due to her accusation for assault while I was trying to calm her down when she was loudly crying and swearing at me outside of our house to grab neighbor’s attention. I never assaulted her but she told the police that I did in my absence, and police arrested me in my workplace one hour later. I never knew she would call police. She was mad at me because I said to her earlier why she was lost and late when she came out of hospital door during my lunch break that day to drive her home when she was visiting my mother after a knee replacement surgery.
Nice to keep the PROMISE that says TILL DEATH DO US PART. But a dejected partner needs to relate, to fill the vacuum with another friend [or family] that will keep his or her company during the waiting time or else… The neglected partner might have depression or be mentally sick.
Whenever the partner comes back the couple would apologise to each other, and refresh their affairs and life goes on. That is 50/50. Waiting alone and lonely can run a partner mad… jokes apart. But you can wait with company of friends land well wishers, that you love.
I’ve been separated from my husband of 9 years, together 16 years. We have 7 and 5 year old kids. I found out he was cheating for 2-3 years. I asked him to stay, and go counseling. He said no, that he didn’t love me. It’s been a year this Jan 6th 2015. I keep praying. Wondering if I should file for divorce. I’ve became numb, hurt, and have so much pain. But, at the same time somehow, I still love him. I pray the Lord reveals to me what steps to take, and where to go.
I miss and love my wife so much. I’ve made a lot of bad choices during our time together. I tried to end my life. But if I wanted to do that I would have never come back to the place I’m living. I heard her with a another man in our house and it hurt me so bad that I thought how can this be. I thought we were on the road to recovery, at least with my pill problem that I’m doing very well with.
I love her so much. She is my world. I would give my life for her so she could live to take care of our children. I pray for her every night, and I always told her she is a beautiful woman and never said that she was fat or anything negative about her. She is a very smart lady and I want to take care of her when she gets old. I miss rubbing her feet and the way she smells.
Dear God what a woman. I love her so much. Please watch over her and keep her safe. And tell her I love her more than she can imagine. I hope one day we can be together again, and be like it was when we first met. Please pray for US… Jim
My husband of 5 years left with no warning 4 days before Christmas…supposedly just to think for a week. Things had been very hard since I’d found out that I was pregnant 3 months earlier and he’d blamed me for not “being more careful.” While things weren’t amazing financially, I took his comments very hard as we’d always talked about having children and especially since I’d spent the last 5 years caring for my 7yr old stepson.
Long story short…I am now 6 months pregnant. I’ve seen my husband a handful of times since he left in December and am at an utter loss for what to do. I feel betrayed on so many levels and hate that he has made what should be a joyous occasion into one of confusion and heartbreak. He says he just needs time, that he doesn’t know what he should do.
But I feel his actions reveal what he doesn’t want right now; a family. People here seem to say “Wait, give God time to work and give him room to think” yet I don’t have much time to give. He’s already abandoned me – us – when I’m vulnerable and need support (and in a foreign country). I feel I need time to grieve before the birth of my son and I need to know where I am going.
I could understand a separation if we’d decided it together or if I felt I could still count on him, yet for the moment it just seems that everything he does is on his own terms and for his own gain.
Hi, I left my husband 2 weeks ago, after 17 years. It was because of all the pressures he put on me from working all the time, hard man’s work that I just could not do anymore. I still love him, but he isn’t really talking to me. I’d like to work things out if he and I can change. But things will have to change. I know there is a chance we cannot make this work, but I really want to try.
I just reached out to him and just kept it light to see how things are going. He did respond lightly to and say things are different there now. I’ve never stopped telling him I love him, but he has stopped putting the work love in his endings. He just signs his name. I know he has lost trust in me. I can work on that, if we make it. He is my soul mate and I really want his love back too. We are 600 miles apart right now. So it’s not so easy to just drop by for a chat. Neither of us can sign those dreaded papers. He has said he doesn’t mind staying married and I’m glad because I want to stay married too, but I would like to be together. I just don’t know if I should continue the conversation or let it sit a little.
Hi. I have been married for 11 years and separated since 2007. I have always wanted my husband back; in 2010 my husband told me that he had a child on the way and today he has three children with the same woman. How can I get my husband back because I love him and he still loves me but he is still with the other woman and they have been together since 2007.
My husband and I have been separated for almost two years this August. I left the marriage to move out of state for a new job. At the time, I thought it was what was best for my kids and I. Before I left my husband and I argued constantly, and I felt that I was the only one who ever compromised. He was cold, distant, and he came home high on marijuana and beer everyday. I felt alone and afraid, and I just got tired of compromising. I also felt that the arguing wasn’t good for our three children to see everyday.
When we separated he stopped fully supporting the children financially. He says that he did so that I could fall on my face. I met a man while we were separated and I thought that I was in love. This man was a lot of what my husband was not. He loved to talk and spend time with me, and we opened up to one another more than I had ever done in any relationship. My husband was furious over the relationship, even though he has been with many women himself. It has been a crazy time in my life.
Recently, I have sought the Lord, and he directed me to end the relationship with the man, and pray to restore my marriage. I want my husband so badly now. I realize that I should not have left my marriage, and I never should have become involved with another man. Now my husband is seriously involved with another woman, and I feel hopeless. I want to pray and trust God to restore, but it’s heart wrenching everyday. My husband doesn’t call or check on me and the kids. He recently said he wants me and his family back, but he still doesn’t answer the phone or call. He says he has to work out his situation.
I fear that the devil has him involved in a soul tie that he has difficulty breaking. I trust in God, but I’m heart broken. I need strength. When I do contact my husband, he says that I’m too demanding and I need to give him time. He says that he doesn’t want to speak to me, because I ask him to leave the woman’s house. He constantly brings up my relationship that I had during the marriage, and uses it to justify he relationship.
I am so confused. Should I just give up? I can’t imagine living this way for years. I feel it’s destroying my spirit. I want to be positive and uplifted in my spirit, especially for my children, but I feel that I can’t and hold on to my marriage, or whatever it has become at the same time. I’m now scared to call my husband because when he doesn’t answer, it weighs heavily on my spirit. I want to wait until he reaches out to me, but he never does. I feel stupid, desperate, unloved, and alone. I have no one to talk to and I’m so afraid that I have lost my husband forever. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY FAMILY. PRAY FOR OUR RESTORATION!!! PRAY FOR MY MARRIAGE!!!