You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Sure, 5 years ago. I told my story. It didn’t happen yesterday. It appears you are assuming that I’m just going through this. I’m not. But I did share quite candidly what it was like back in 2003.
But like I’ve said before, this is not about me. I’m sharing what I know, from a far different perspective than you currently have.
You see, I spent a great deal of time during my wife’s affair, not only studying what Dr Harley teaches, but also in the word of God. That’s why the OM is still living today. Because I loved God more than I hated what he and my former wife were doing to my family.
I know about affairs, I know about hurt, and I know excuses and changing the subject when I see it.
If you haven’t broken the soul ties, then how can you say you are out? I’m just asking? If you are still emotionally hung up on the OM, and unwilling to be 100% open and honest with your husband about what you did, then you are still in the wayward mindset.
I don’t think Dr Harley advises that anyone keep the secret.
What does scripture say one is to do if they sin against their brother? It says to go to them. (Matthew 5:23) You can’t reconcile the sin against your husband if you don’t tell him what you’ve done. Ending the affair is a good FIRST STEP, but the next step, is to confess this to your husband. Even if he doesn’t know about it, is something he rightfully has against you, and James 5:23 applies here.
If I understand correctly, you are unwilling to go to your husband and share the truth with him. I’m sorry, but that’s not what the Bible teaches us. We are taught in numerous places to confess our sins. Not just an anonymous internet thread, but to folks who we live with on a day to day basis. Folks that will hold us accountable.
So if you’ve not confessed to your husband, I believe scripture tells us you are still in sin.
Is it tough? Sure. Will he get upset? Maybe. Would it be a good idea to do this in the pastor’s office or some place where your safety is assured? Maybe, I don’t know your husband.
I know when I confronted my former wife, I was so cool about it it was surreal. I felt nothing at all at that time. I had already processed the pain and the anger, and put it away for that meeting.
It came back from time to time days and months later when she didn’t even try to end the affair, made all sorts of lame excuses about how it was a mistake to marry, they were soul mates, the kids would be alright, God had already forgiven her, told her the OM was the right one for her. So I’ve heard most if not all the excuses. My radar is finely tuned for that sort of excuse making or lame justification.
So are you forgiven by your husband? Have you confessed to him? If not, I think you are still sinning against God, based on the Word of God. If you have a soul tie to any man other than your husband, are you not still sinning against both God and your husband? You vowed before both that your husband would be the only man you were united with, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
To still have a soul tie with any other man is a violation of this vow. You said you were breaking the soul tie, which according to my 8th grade grammar indicates an on-going soul tie that is not severed. So you may be on the right track, and I applaud you for that. I think you still have many steps to take.
I just encourage you to drop the excuses, quit saying how hard it is, and quit saying you can not be obedient and confess your sin to your husband, and call upon the Holy Spirit to lead you to follow the Word in this matter.
God is not going to tell you that you don’t have to confess to your husband. If you think you are hearing that, check scripture to see if it ever says do not confess to the ones you’ve sinned against.
You’ve sinned against God, you’ve sinned against your husband, and if the OM is married, you’ve sinned against his wife as well. You’ve sinned against the OM.
In cases of an affair, Dr Harley often advises writing a "No Contact" letter where you make it clear to the OM that the affair is over.
What you may consider is that when you decide to tell your husband, you have a pre-drafted copy of your No Contact letter that you send to the OM, and if married, his wife. where you not only re-assert No Contact, but you confess that your affair was a sin against God, your family and him and his family. I would ask for their forgiveness, but also ask that neither he, nor his wife respond, to simply forgive, silently and perhaps letting him know that you have forgiven him for his sin against you and your family.
This will do two things. It will satisfy your obligation to seek forgiveness from those you’ve wronged, such as the OM and his wife if he is married. It will also demonstrate to your husband that you are serious about seeking his forgiveness and that you’ve burnt the bride to the OM.
I would never advise one who follows Christ to keep a sin against another, especially one with whom we are to have the most intimate of all relationships, a spouse.
It doesn’t matter if your spouse is abusive, or will divorce you, etc. If you need safety, then do it in a safe place. What matters most is that you obey God.
That is the only thing that comes before your marriage, your obedience to God.
You see, I could have killed the OM, and that may have saved my former marriage. But it’s not about doing ANYTHING to save the marriage. It’s about doing things God’s way and living with the outcome. Sometimes, the outcome is divorce.
But I can rest in the fact that I did it God’s way. I was faithful and obedient. So even though my former marriage ended, I am blessed with a far better relationship with my child, and a far better marriage with my new bride.
So divorce, while painful is not the end of the world. For me, having my ex-wife choose to divorce me, while at the time, it seemed to be the end of the world. It was really the opening of a door to a more beautiful and fulfilling life.
However, I don’t think that door would have been opened to me, had I chosen a sinful path. So I’m not encouraging anyone in a bad marriage to choose divorce. I think that is the wrong thing to do.
I do encourage all who are unhappy in their marriages, to turn to God. I can’t think of anything worse than a spouse who is unfaithful. I’ve been beaten up, survived near-death illness, lost loved ones, and the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced was the affair of my former wife.
God provided my bride at just the right time, when I was done mourning my divorce. He provided when he knew I was healed.
But God doesn’t provide in a sinful fashion. So those who think their affair partner is from God need to read their Bibles a bit more. Those relationships never prosper. Look at the drama in David’s life after his affair with Bathsheba. That certainly was not a relationship that brought him prosperity. It brought him grief the rest of his days. And he was FORGIVEN by God, yet still suffered the consequences of his actions.
So anyone, not just Angel, leave your affair partners today. Look at the trouble King David brought upon his own house due to his affairs. Repent and confess, not only to God, but your spouse. Seek forgiveness, not only from God, but from your spouse, the OP and if they are married, their spouse. You’ve sinned against all of them.
Scripture tells us that we must seek forgiveness from those we’ve wronged. It also tells us that sin may be pleasing for a season, but we will suffer for it. Hebrews 11:23-25 and many references elsewhere regarding ways that seem right to mankind, but lead to death, how we reap what we sow, more than what we sow, and later than when we so.
So if we sow sin into our lives, it may seem good now, but it will be worse. While it seems right not to tell, not to confess, I believe based on scripture, this is just reaping more seeds of sin into our lives, and what will grow from the seeds of that sin will be far worse later on down the road, than if we just obeyed and confessed today.
Easy? No. But Christ and His Holy Spirit can make it possible for anyone to follow in obedience.
(USA) The soul ties are gone. It took 3 months or longer. Anytime you have put 18 months into something, feelings will not leave overnight. We are on no contact. I do not feel that way anymore. I am not sinning with him and that’s the bottom line. Now I work on building my relationship back with my husband. The OM wife does not know about me. He has protected me. She only knows about a former GF. Once again my husband will never know. I have made my peace with God and I am ok. I have not been with him since May 5 and it’s almost September and I’m doing OK. This sin I have confessed to Jesus and Him only..and that’s as far as it’s going.
(USA) Hello everyone
I want to say a little something I’m feeling today. I have purposely not written since you joined Tony, because you had me very concerned with your own words regarding "kill".
I do not need to be reminded that I have sinned Tony. I don’t need to be reminded that I need to have "no contact" with the OM. I don’t need to be reminded about scriptures, I don’t need to be reminded of how many people I have hurt through all this. I know all of this….I’m here to get help from others that have gone through this and hopefully gain some insight to change my way of life for the better.
I have met a lot of wonderful women on this site and until now….I have become bitter from a lot of things you continue writing. I do applaud you for some of the things you have said the first time you wrote, but stop repeating yourself. Also, you said this happened 5 years ago and you’re with someone else now….THEN WHY are you on this website trying to belittle the women here (including myself) telling us what we’ve done wrong and who we’ve hurt. Why are you here if you’re so happy with your life now. You should be seeking vacation spots for you and yours..not on this type of website. And if you’re still hurt by your past, then seek professional help. Anyone who has had "thoughts" of killing another person or him/herself needs seriously professional help and is a BIG SIN (as if you did) I’m not, by all means yelling here, but just pointing out the obvious. I know your mission was to educate us as to what the man spouse feels because you were the one betrayed…and thank you for your information, but you need to move on to another site that better fits your needs. IF you say you have moved on, ( i don’t think so). I think your bitter toward ALL women that have had the unfortunate experience to have been smitten and fallin into the web of infidelity. We weren’t seeking this web purposely and we don’t blame anyone but ourselves. We ARE seeking help and found this site and believe if WE all were not on this site, we’d still be out there. Thank goodness we have the strength within to know the best thing for our hearts, souls and people around us. I hope you and yours are able to live a long happy and healthy life Tony. Just remember one thing, your ex sought other attention because you were not fulfilling her emotional needs. This my friend is speaking from a woman’s point of view.
As for me, I have had no contact with the OM since Nov. 07. I HAVE come a long way in this, but I will not let anyone tell me that I’m still sinning because I have REAL feelings. Hey….at least I have feelings. Like one said above, people that don’t get emotionally attached can have these affairs over and over. They are the ones with NO REAL FEELINGS. I believe that anyone who gets any type if help, through professionals, books, scriptures and even websites as this all have true emotional feelings but know the difference between right and wrong. We need more positive re-enforcement, not to be talked down on.
I need to digress.
I will also continue praying for all the men and women on this site. hugs to all
ME
(USA) I will read over and over again the first post by pilot. I can easily imagine that it was my co-adulterer that wrote it. Since I knew him and we had a ten year emotional affair then once consummated, it didn’t even last a year. The only reason he gave me when he stopped calling is that it’s hurting the both of us and love doesn’t disappear but he’s doing it because it’s the right thing to do.
I didn’t believe him and still didn’t till I read pilot’s post. I thought his wife found out, or is checking his phone bills. I even imagined he was gay for not sleeping with me anymore! Ha! Yet in pilot’s post I see that a man can choose the right thing and they can hurt from an affair. I assumed they could separate it all. Yet my former co-adulterer always seemed to be the one more in love when we were together. It wasn’t till he broke it off that I became obsessed. Thanks Pilot for speaking to my soul and letting me see the other side so articulately.
(USA) Hi Janina, How rejoicing when God uses others to help us and open our eyes to something for which we had questions. Perhaps you were praying about that and asking for answers? I sense from the Holy Spirit maybe you were. I support people going to God for the answers they seek and not to the former "affair partner."
I believe God speaks to our hearts in a way so much greater than we can ever envision, it’s a matter of being open to it. I’ve experienced that personally so many times and I rejoice at hearing when it happens to others as well. Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find. Praise our wonderful God. :)
(USA) To all who are so focused on feelings. I have to ask why it appears you are trapped in such feelings? I don’t doubt you feel strongly about the OM, what you had. I guess what confuses me, is that you appear to be all wrapped up in feelings that were based on a lie. Frankly, that concerns me.
So I don’t doubt you have or had strong feelings. But why, now that you are face to face with the reality that an affair is just like raping your husband, that you still cling to those feelings?
It seems to me, that there is a certain romantic sentiment to the feelings. That you are hanging on to them, even though you know they were based on lies and sin? When I see that, I find it hard to believe that you really have let go of the OM.
You see to me, the feelings are far worse than the actions, because they seem to drive so much of the behavior. When combined with the near universal refusal to be 100% open and honest with your spouses, when scripture clearly says that you are to confess your sins and seek to reconcile the sin with those against whom you’ve sinned, it really appears to me that you are still in the wayward mindset. You still want to do things your way, not God’s way.
So, I’m telling you what it looks like from here. Your husbands may not know. But don’t think they don’t know something is wrong. They do.
I don’t think you have to be trapped, or powerless to what you feel. I’m not saying that you just stop feeling it. What I’m saying is every time you do, imagine the feelings of those who’ve been betrayed. If you want to feel, put yourselves in your spouses place. I don’t see much of that being done, and it looks selfish from my side of the internet.
I don’t say this to beat up on you. I say it so you know how it looks from the perspective of the betrayed spouse.
I hope you find it helpful, so that you can use the victory Christ has already provided, and confess to your spouses what you’ve done.
The only way it ever begins to heal, even if they don’t know, is when you tell them. As long as one refuses to tell, they are imprisoned by their secret sin.
I can’t make you agree with me. I’m certainly not trying to beat anyone about the head and shoulders. But it does concern me when someone says they don’t need scripture. We all need scripture. Even Christ referred to God’s word.
So if Christ needed scripture, how can any one of us say we don’t need the Word of God?
(USA) Hi Grace, No offense was intended. (I wouldn’t be much of a Christian if I were purposely trying to offend people :) ) I apologize if any was received or implied. God bless.
(USA) Hello all, Looks like we’re just going back and forth on "feelings". I have feelings because God gave me the opportunity to feel. There are people that do not have that blessing due to birth defects.
Tony, you say feelings are far more than actions, that it’s like raping the other spouse…etc….I disagree with you 100%. Feelings are part of what God has given all of us. I have told my husband, and most of us on this page have too. You are talking to a VERY small % of folks on this page. Again, stop repeating yourself with the "rape" thing you so have embedded in your head. As far as "feelings" are far more than actions? Although I disagree with you, you’re just bashing yourself when you say that. Be careful.
I also believe those who have yet admitted to their spouse will do it in time, because I too agree with you, the truth will set you free. I know it was a big load off of my shoulders. But everyone has their own time to do things.
Also, maybe you have misread or maybe it’s me, but no one here has refused to read the Bible. We all have, we all are, and we all continue to. We all do not need to be reminded. With all the scriptures that women provide on this page, how can you say we don’t read scriptures?
I pray for you that you can put your anger somewhere else besides this site. Again, you should be looking on sites to surprise your bride instead of wasting your time and effort trying to say things on this site that are negative. You may need more help than you think Tony, because no matter what we say, you’re just not going to understand and twist things around.
Move on with you and yours and quit wasting your efforts on this site. Not to be negative, but you may find yourself alone again for not providing her emotional needs again.
me
(USA) ME, Let me see if I understand this. I describe feelings I had, five years ago that I did not even act upon, and you are concerned.
At the same time, you are trying to assure me that while you have feelings even today, that you acted upon in the past, that my concerns are not warranted. Do you see how it might be a bit difficult for me to accept that? Do you see how it might appear to be a blame-shift, or shifting the focus?
(USA) LT… please know that I won’t take this as an offense and allow God to help me see you all through His eyes.
Please pray for me. Today is not a good day. I believe my husband has started getting in touch with the OW again. I hold on to God’s promise. I feel there’s not much I can do. Pray LT that God will clearly reveal to me what I should do. The pain is intense, but I feel there is a level of release as well. Pray for my protection.
I want everyone to know, that you all have helped me so much. You can’t imagine how much. I may not be in the right topic, but I am so glad the Holy Spirit led me here. I wish I could all hug you. That’s how much love God has given me here for all of you. Isn’t that amazing? How God can do that?
His mercies are new every morning. I know He hears my plea.
(USA) ME, Don’t just take my word for the comparison to rape, I’ll quote Dr Harley, who has dealt with thousands of cases of unfaithful spouses. Here is what he has to say at the following URL http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
"The question I am most frequently asked by visitors to this web site is "how can I survive my spouse’s affair?" After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse’s unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I’ve counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse’s unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once."
My concern is that this damage done is very real, and I don’t believe we should minimize or dismiss the damage done.
I can’t imagine how once someone who knows Christ could even begin to give excuses, offer rationale, or any such actions for an affair, or say how difficult it is to stop, knowing they are doing emotional damage that exceeds the damage done by rape to their spouse.
Is it uncomfortable? Sure. But if it prevents one spouse from having an affair, or convinces a wayward to end his/her affair rather than have to look at one’s self and understand they are doing that sort of damage, then what I’ve written and shared has value here.
(USA) Grace…hang in there…my prayers are with you all the way!!!! me
(USA) Thanks Me.. I know God is for me.. My heart is screaming in pain..but big decisions are ahead of me. I will consider today pure joy. This year I will have a great Christmas!! God knows the desires of my heart and what is good for me and for His glory.
(USA) There is a surviving infidelity thread on here Tony you may wish to read and participate in.
(USA) Thanks for listening and responding Lt . I just read Pilot’s post again and it’s sooo powerful! It’s an answer, but not one I prayed for, because I never asked God why. That would make me so ashamed to do that. Yet by grace I did receive an answer. While we were yet sinners, Christ died.