You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) ME, You experienced what you experienced. You felt what you felt. The question is, was what you felt really love, or just infatuation? The question is not was it real, the question is what was it really that I felt, did, etc.
Lies are real. It’s just that they are still lies. They feel good, for a while. But like the fake pearls, they don’t pass the test of time. They look good on the surface, but after a while, what is underneath comes to light.
The fake pearls are real. They are genuine fake pearls. They are not a figment of your imagination. However, they are not what they look like. They are not the real pearls.
An affair is just like that. It’s real. It’s a real relationship that has a surface veneer that looks good. But inside, it’s filled with things that are not as valuable as what you would find in a real relationship.
Intimacy is based on honesty, and affairs, by their very nature are built on a foundation of deceit.
I know this sounds like a philosophical treatise on what is real and what is not real. That’s a game. All things are real. The question is, are they what they portrait themselves to be, or are they something else that is masked to look like another item.
So an affair is real, but is it genuine?
When you look at 1 Corinthians 13, regarding love, affairs cannot be genuine love as they fail the tests of not self-seeking (affairs are selfish behavior), of not rejoicing in evil (if one is rejoicing about the wonderful affair, they are rejoicing in evil), and rejoicing in the truth (the truth is hidden, often from the affair partner, certainly from the spouse):
" 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Therefore, the feelings one has during an affair are real. But feelings are not love.
So the question is not are the feelings strong, etc. The real (pardon the pun) question is, are those feelings really love, or just a good feeling that can lead to bad feelings down the road.
I think most here know the reality that good feelings are temporal, and are usually eclipsed by the guilt associated with the affair. Many will carry that guilt forever, long after the good feelings of the affair have evaporated from memory.
(USA) Tony…thank you. You put it in such good words for me. I totally agree with you. I don’t know if you’ve read my stories up above, but you’re right. In these 4 years, I learned a lot of things about him that I didn’t like.
I try really hard to think about all the fake pearls but for some reason, the real ones (like our good times) seem to pop up. I WILL bust these fake pearls.
I WILL Y’ALL!!! Thank you very much Tony.
(USA) Greetings, All. I would like to weigh in on the discussion about whether this is real and whether it is love or not. I believe all romantic relationships start out as infatuation– that "feel good" thrill, that sense of fascination with a person who shares our chemistry. There is no way that anyone loves a person that you have recently met in a I Corinthians 13 way.
When I met my husband 19 years ago, I felt that thrill, that fascination, the chemistry, etc., but the big difference between that event and when I felt the same feelings for my AP, is that I was able to pursue the relationship without guilt, because we were both single and of marriageable age, and love budded and blossomed over time.
"Falling in love" is actually infatuation. LOVE is a tender plant that sprouts and grows and needs nourishment and care. When you "fall in love" with an AP, it will feel the same as "falling in love" with a prospective spouse, but with one huge difference–IT’S WRONG, and therefore is loaded with guilt and regret and a devastating mix of feelings and desires that lead to lies and deceit and depression and eventual ruin.
God assures it be that way, just as His Spirit faithfully deals with us about other sins and convicts us. So, in my opinion, it’s a mute point to ask if this real or not. Of course, you "fell in love" with someone who is attractive to you, has great chemistry, is attracted to you, just like you did when you were 18 or 21 or 25 when you met that perfect someone who became your spouse. If you have continued in the affair for months or years, you have grown to "love" this person–the emotions and attachment are REAL–but it will NEVER BE RIGHT, and therefore you can never love them in a I Corinthians 13 way, because this is a "love" that hurts others and begets lies.
Therefore, as hard as it is, we must practice self-denial, and do the thing of conviction instead of the thing of convenience. We must do what IS right, not what FEELS right. We must fulfill Matthew 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
I’m preaching to myself! God bless you all. Marie, I’m praying for you. LT, thanks for all you wrote in your last post.
(USA) Here is Matthew 5:29 from the Message Bible:
"Let’s not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here’s what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile."
As it indicates here, it is not easy. In my own case, I came to a point of determination that my actions would be right, no matter how I felt. I can control my actions, but the emotions are much harder to control. They seem to be an entity in themselves. The emotions of "falling in love" are hard to forget and linger on a long time, whether the affair was legitimate or illicit. Slowly the feelings are fading, the thoughts are fewer and farther between, but the progress is slow and painful. Again, God bless you all.
(US) LT, Rebecca, Ritz, Tony ….all of you, THANK YOU for being here!!! I keep reading the pearl story, the hymn, the quotes from scripture, the shared experiences…. and I feel less alone… more than that… I feel like someone is reaching out to me and in my corner. I have tears in my eyes because I am so overwhelmed (in very good way). May God continue to use us to reflect His light.
Julee— I am so glad that you shared your experience. May God continue to bless you. Love to all of you, Marie
(USA) From Ritz, He answered, eyes filled with love… My daughter, I had to take away the fake pearls because I knew you would not accept my gift of real ones.
I am sooo ready for real pearls… but this time I am waiting on the Lord. Hmm, who knows? Maybe they are already in my pocket and I never noticed because I was so busy admiring the fake ones.
… WOW THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY AMAZING, AWE INSPIRING AND FULL OF HOPE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THAT. HUGGLES, ANGEL
(USA) Hi All! Thank you all for your support and prayers. I am praying for you sooo very much as well!!!
Today I was thinking about the story of Daniel. Remember when Daniel prayed for the Lord to reveal the meaning of the prophecies concerning the future of Israel?? He fasted and prayed, waiting for an answer, and finally on day 21 an angel came saying: "Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words. – Daniel 10:11 NAS
Is that not the coolest thing ever??? To think… the moment that we call on God and humble ourselves before Him..the Creator of the Universe… the King of Kings… the Lord of Lords sends down angels to help us!! Amazing!!…I am struck by the fact that the very first day that Daniel prayed God sent forth his angel… but that the angel doesn’t arrive until day 21!!!!
The Bible says that there was a war… between the angel and another principality..(an evil one)… and that God had to send Michael to help fight the battle.
That soo explains how I feel right now..waiting for an answer… waiting for Gods blessings. Knowing that there is a battle. I want to be like Daniel… Faithful in prayer and fasting… believing in the promise that help is on the way!!
I want to thank every one who is praying for me on this site. Thank you for fueling my angels! (smile). I am totally committed to praying for you guys as well!
(B) Time for my story I guess. For the past two years, I had an emotional affair with a man online. I truly cared about him, and fell in love. Deeply. Seeing how I am married I should’ve walked away from him, but I didn’t. Two months ago we broke contact. I still cared, so hoped that after two months we could be friends. Nothing more, just friends and have occasional contact to know how the other was doing.
He had not healed, with the result that he has blown a fuse. This resulted in last weekend, where he kept calling my house, and yelling at me, while my husband was at home.
I had never told my husband, I thought it would be best to sort out this mess on my own, I didn’t believe in dumping MY issues on him. However, with all the calling and freaking out of the other guy, I was obligated to tell him. My husband really didn’t want too many details. He simply asked me who I wanted to be with, him, or the other guy. I told him (truthfully) I wanted to be with him.
He has forbidden me to ever exchange one more single word with the other guy, and then proceeded to shelter and hold me because I was so miserable. I have made a very foolish mistake falling in love with this other guy, when the man I have in my life is so remarkable and special. I feel a lot of guilt and self-hatred at the moment. I should never have gotten so side tracked.
The other guy called our house so many times that we had to unplug the phone. My husband is really reluctant about us having to change our number, we have had it for years. But obviously he does not constantly want to be confronted with phone calls from this man. Neither do I. I have blocked all email addresses and MSN addresses, and am hoping he will just go away now.
I will pay dearly for the mistake I made. I hurt two people in the process, and will have to live with what I did. I am not a religious person, but if there would be a hell, I’m sure I’d end up in it for what I’ve done.
The guilt towards both parties is horrible. I still feel like a horrible person for just leaving the other guy out to drown, even though he is clearly hurt. I just see no other option. But it’s not who I am … I don’t want to be with him anymore, I just feel horrible. Period.
I’m not a bad person, I hope … Although I made quite a mess of things. I’ll take it step by step and will hopefully move into a direction where I can salvage my marriage, and get to point where I’ll be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.
(US) Hannah, I think most of us have felt similar feelings of guilt and shame. You are not a horrible person. We are all sinners and none of us deserves God’s grace, but He gives it to us because He loves us.
It seems that you have been given an opportunity to get closer to your husband as he goes through this ordeal with you. That’s a gift from God. God forgives you … accept that forgiveness. Be thankful and let go of the guilt (even if needs to be a little at a time). You are in my prayers,
(USA) Hannah, You are not a bad person. It’s life. We’re here to heal and lift each other’s spirits up. Everyone on this site has either been a victim or the victim of infidelity. You hang in there and I will pray for you. me
(B) Thank you all for your kind words. I am still feeling very devastated, but there is also a feeling of relief, because I have finally ended the constant hiding of things from my husband.
I’m not ready to forgive myself, nor should I, I think. To me it’s important that I take some time now to reflect on where I went wrong, so I learn from this. All the lying, deceitfulness and dishonesty from my end hurt people. It’s going to take a lot of time to learn to live with that.
Thank you again for your kind words. They mean a lot to me at this moment.
(USA) Hannah, I want you to know (and I’m sure many others do as well) that you are very cared about and are being prayed for. Yes, what you did was wrong. And thankfully, you realize that. But it is no more wrong than the sins that any one of us (including myself) have done at some time or the other. God doesn’t pick apart one wrong we commit (other than blasphemy) and says, “this is worse than others.” People do that — not God. We ALL have done wrong, according to what God says in the Bible.
But the wonderful thing is, that God’s forgiveness and grace is available to all who embrace the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for it by dying on the cross in payment for our sin. This forgiveness is available from God’s end when you recognize the wrong that you have done (and you have) and are willing to turn from it and not do it again (which you said you are as well). The only other thing that needs to be done is to accept the gift of forgiveness that is offered through Christ.
It’s like having a trillion dollars in the bank available to you if you will just accept that you have it waiting for your use and you finally make out a check to tap into it. God makes it available for you, just for the asking.
I don’t know where you are spiritually. You say you are not a “religious person.” But I want you to know that you don’t have to be religious to accept the forgiveness and the change that can come into your life by just saying, “Yes… I will accept what God has done for me through Jesus Christ.”
I will be praying that you will see how much God loves you and how much He wants you to have the peace He can give you as you accept what He offers — His love and grace.
If you want to know more, you can explore what is available in the blue box in the upper right hand corner of the web site where it says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope? Find it Now.” You can click into that section and see the journey that you can explore.
As far as forgiving yourself, that is a separate journey that I pray you will take. It may take a while. It’s important that you take the time to reflect on what lead you to this point, and that you and your husband work together to guard against this happening again in the future. (And yes, I have met those who have fallen into this more than once — even though they never thought they would ever do this — tragically they never put hedges in place to guard themselves against their own vulnerabilities.) But eventually forgiving even yourself is important so your loved ones don’t suffer more in the long-run.
When unforgiveness is present — even of ourselves, it forever discolors the present and future and affects those around us.
May you become alert to all you need to, learn all you should learn to protect your marriage, and do the necessary work to improve your relationship with your husband and make it healthy and stronger — both now and in the future. And may you accept the grace and forgiveness that is available and embrace it as a gift to improve the future for your family!
Please know we care about you and are praying for your journey.
(UNION) Ladies, I have read many of your posts (not all of them as this might be the longest thread I have ever seen). I did not see a mans response in the portion I read so I thought I would give you a man’s perspective:
I am married 20 years, together since high school. I have 2 wonderful kids and an amazing wife who is an amazing person and mother. About 3 years ago I got involved in an affair with a friend of the family. Very bad- coached with her husband, kids played together, etc. It started like all affairs- just flirting, then sexual. I always said "I will never leave my kids".
Long story short, throughout the whole affair I had a lot of guilt — first towards my wife and then towards my affair partner’s husband. Then it turned to the guilt I felt towards this woman when I was intimate with my wife. This woman and I became best friends, talked about everything were totally honest with each other (very strange in a relationship built on lies).
Anyway, about a year ago this woman divorced her husband, she’s says not for me but because she was miserable with him. So a few months ago I thought I had reached the decision to divorce my wife to be with this woman. I told my wife about the affair and after the initial anger she decided we should go to counseling. I agreed to it but never cut things off with the other woman.
About 2 weeks after telling her and the day before the counseling was to start I blurted out to my son what had happened and then told my daughter. I think I was hoping that he would say "it’s ok dad I still love you I want you happy". Of course that’s not what I got. He cried, begged me to go to counseling, etc.
I love my kids more than anything in the world and so I agreed to go to counseling and try to work through it. So I tried to cut this woman off and called her and told her I wanted to work on my marriage. After 2 days of no contact I caved hard!! I still love her so much and miss her all the time.
My dilemma, like many others on here is should I leave my wife (who as I said has been amazing through this and is a great person) for a woman who I feel is my soul mate and best friend. I think guilt is keeping me in the relationship with my wife and kids, which doesn’t seem right. Yet I know the chances of marriages based on affairs have a very low % of success.
Anyway, the other woman and I are trying to break it off now so I can truly try and work on my marriage without the outside influences. My thoughts are that if I still feel the same for this woman in 6 months (of no contact – although we cant get through 48 hours yet!) then maybe it is real!!
Sorry for the long blog, but I wanted you all to know that not all men in affairs are pigs. We hurt just like you do. We miss you just like you miss us and the nice ones with a conscience feel the guilt that you feel. The thought of never seeing or talking to this woman again is absolutely killing me. Right now I don’t care if we are ever together again physically, but not knowing what is going on with my best friend is absolute torture.
Professionals and logic do tell me that this is an addiction. I have never been addicted to anything before, so trying to go cold turkey is really hard!! Good luck to you all and I hope you all find the happiness that you all deserve!
(USA) Mark, You can read much of what I’ve written for a man’s perspective. It might give you some insight to how your affair partner’s former husband probably felt during her affair. It’s likely she was not the only one who was miserable.
I also write that I believe one can leave the affair with Christ in their heart. But they have to turn it all over to Christ.
I don’t think of myself as better than those who have affairs. Yet I don’t hide how disgusting, selfish and abusive I think affairs are.
The question I have for those who engage in affairs, is are they going to continue the abuse of their spouse and children, or are they going to continue to crave the satisfaction of their personal desires in the most selfish and destructive way possible?
I believe anyone who turns to Christ can end an affair. I believe they have to stand guard over their thoughts and through the renewing of their mind, they can leave and never look back at the affair.
If you are looking at Christ and your family you will not have time to look back at your affair partner or ponder the affair. The choice is always yours. What will you allow your mind to ponder, your family or your affair?
(USA) Compassion and blessings to all who come here. If you are here, reading this, you are probably hurting.
I have to respond to the idea that affairs are not "real".
There is no way I would agree that an affair is "fake" or that the feelings for an affair partner are not genuine. Affairs start and continue because they fill a need in the involved people. People involved in affairs share real love with their affair partners – no two ways about it. And love between people is healthy and beautiful and good. Pleasure and love is a gift from God.
The big problem is… there are other people involved. The loving relationship by itself is not wrong. But the deception, the violation of commitment, the loss suffered by children, the loss of family – that’s what makes an affair wrong.
God hates affairs, but in my mind he hates affairs not because they are "just bad". Affairs are offensive because of the damage they cause to innocents, and in spite of the pleasure enjoyed by the participants. Families, commitment, honor, trust – these are all virtues, good things. Despite being pleasurable "today", affairs tear down all those good things.
People have come here to write: "I’m so confused; Should I work on my marriage? I love this other man!"
It IS confusing. Loving two people – very confusing. Or, loving one person after having made a lifetime commitment to another – that is confusing.
It’s like Pilot says, you’ve got to step back and look at the effects of what you are doing. And there is no way to step back and look at it, while still contacting the other person, texting, IMing, chatting, seeing the person at work, looking for pictures online, etc. The addiction factor means every contact with that person will honestly and truly distort your perceptions, so that you cannot see clearly.
In some cases, there is no way to step back and look at it clearly, while with your marriage partner. Yes, I support marriage, but sometimes just being together after the discovery of an affair can cause so much tension that clear thinking is impossible.
There is one sense in which affairs are not real – Typically, neither affair partner has thought through the implications and consequences, for themselves (the pain, guilt, confusion), for their marriage partners (hurt, betrayal, depression), for the children and family and friends (confusion, loss of self-esteem, shattered hopes).
Take some time, step back, and really look at your situation. Step away, physically, from your affair partner. Step away, at least metaphysicall, from your married partner. Be with yourself. Talk to God. What kind of person do you want to be? Which path holds truth?
You will find the path if you have the peace and wisdom of God in your heart.
Best to all.