You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(US) Hello gentlemen. Wow…Mark, you are going through such a difficult time. The decision before you is HUGE and will impact not only you, but many others you love also. Please step back (as NotReallyBob suggested) and think this through, pray for guidance, and may God bless you. Please keep us posted.
NotReallyBob, Thank you for the informed and helpful insight… and the compassion and understanding that accompany it.
It’s been 16 days since I last been intimate with my boss. I wish it was easier for me to stay away from him. Truth be told, I enjoy the physical intimacy and am having a very hard time keeping it off my mind when I am around him. It is very selfish and self-indulgent. NotReallyBob is right. I don’t think of my family when I am involved with him. I will try to focus more on the potential consequences of my actions and not just that moment. Thank you and I am blessed to have you all here. Marie
(USA) Hello everyone! It’s been a while I have not written. Please know though that I read and pray for each and everyone. I am crippled by pain at this time. I have learned the new language of just moaning, groaning and the nagging word why? I don’t know what to pray anymore. I am comforted tho’ that I have a Holy Spirit who could express my heart and what I truly desire. What a privilege you receive when you allowed Jesus in your heart.
Yes, my husband made contact again. His defense was he just needed to help the OW out for some favor. Where do I draw the line? I finally, hesitantly answered that question. I drew the line as soon as I found out. I believe it was the time I last wrote.
Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know… I’m still around. You all are beautiful even with all your hurts. God turns beauty out of ashes. My message to all of you… please please please… choose God to do so. Love to all!!
(USA) Good evening all. I posted this in another thread but going through the comments from the last few months, I felt like I needed to post it again.
Stephanie~You shared your story some months back and I don’t know if you still check back in but it resonated with me and encouraged me greatly. I honestly felt like the situation I was in was unique and that I was crazy. Even though our stories are not identical, there is a lot that we shared in our experiences, and I praise God for allowing me to see that I’m not the only one who has gone through this.
Well, here’s my story: I had a difficult time reading this article and the comments shared in response to it. I’m in a very difficult place in my life right now and I’m having a hard time knowing how to deal with it.
My relationship with my husband, before he became my husband, had always been iffy. He had commitment/faithfulness issues and we had a rocky first year of dating. Even our reasons for dating in the first place were not very well founded. He was physically attracted to me and I was looking for an escape from this guy that I was madly in love with at the time but who didn’t want to be with me at the time. My husband [then boyfriend] was never romantic. He never pursued me. We just happened and then continued to date. There was really no excitement as such.
My husband and I got married three years ago because my visa for the US was expiring [I was an international student; we had just graduated from college; he was my boyfriend at the time]. We were not saved at the time and so we definitely didn’t consult God concerning our decision. The marriage was pretty much a contract to him. He knew he loved me but he wasn’t ready to call me his wife. I considered it real at the time and tried my best to be a wife, the way I knew how, not knowing God. My husband continued to treat the marriage like a contract and did his own thing. We didn’t even live together the first year of our marriage. It was a really tough time.
I got saved 10 months after we got married and began to really seek God for wisdom and had more peace concerning my husband’s lack of acknowledgment of our marriage. During this time, I found out he had-had an "affair" but he didn’t consider it so as we were not really married in his eyes. It was a hard time but God saw me through it and gave me peace concerning it. I continued to try and make it work. Brought home books about Christian marriages that had activities/studies for couples to do together. I tried to read couple’s devotionals with him. I tried to come up with a plan to spend more quality time together doing things. He barely ever had a response. There was no romance in our relationship period. Before and after our legal marriage.
Also, no one knew about our marriage except for a couple of friends that agreed to be the witnesses. So we were living with this huge burden of a secret which made things more stressful and difficult between us.
About 2 years into our marriage, my husband "proposed." It really wasn’t the type of proposal I was expecting. I mean I’ve always had a fairytale notion of romance, proposals, marriage etc. and so far, everything of that nature in my life, had been completely the opposite. By the time the "engagement" came around, I was really numb and had just decided to go with it. Our relationship was/is still very empty. There was/has been no romance. I have never felt wanted or special or worth "courting."
We planned our church wedding for this past March. Right before the wedding, the guy I was in love with right before my husband and I started dating, came back into my life. His father had passed and so we talked and one thing led to another. I got caught up in my feelings and started to have doubts concerning my legal marriage as well as the upcoming church wedding. Even though my husband and I went back and forth and thought about canceling the wedding, we decided to go ahead with it. At the time, I was in a difficult place. I had been disowned by my family for being a Christian [I was raised in a Muslim family] and I was feeling very alone. I didn’t want to lose my friends, church and my husband’s family on top of the huge loss that I was already experiencing.
So I cut it off with the other guy and I went ahead with the wedding. I thought maybe if we had the wedding, things would change between us, but they didn’t/haven’t. I still felt very empty in the marriage. There was/is this huge void that I couldn’t erase. I have been praying about it ever since I’ve been saved. I have been talking to my husband about my emptiness since we’ve been married. I’ve been talking about how I need more from him. He has always made promises but they have never manifested in our relationship. He is a man of God but it feels like marriage and being a husband is not a priority at all.
Last month, my father passed in an accident. I have been torn with grief. My husband hasn’t been very supportive; he doesn’t understand how it feels or what I’m going through. The other guy came back into my life yet again. We’ve been able to share our pain revolving around the loss of our father’s. He shows me love, compassion, attention and respect. He makes me feel loved and wanted. He has been very supportive of me and very genuinely loving, caring and kind.
I’m so torn. I have loved this man for the past five years. Even though I got married to someone else, who I believe I really wasn’t in love with, I have loved this other person. I feel like I made a mistake when I married my husband and I feel really torn. I know having feelings for this other guy and acting on them is not pleasing to God; regardless of my circumstances, but I can’t help but feel that he was the one I was meant to be with and I messed it up by marrying my husband under the circumstances that we did, without consulting God first. I understand God’s grace and He can make wrong things, right, but I don’t understand why this other guy keeps coming back into my life and why we have such an amazing connection, that I’ve never had with my husband.
I am in a really hard place. Between my grief and the problems in my marriage, and the burden of not knowing what I want to do is breaking me. I really have no idea how to deal with all of this right now. I truly love the Lord and have tried so very hard to seek Him in this process but He is silent and I am having a hard time connecting with Him. I’m really in a place where I feel forsaken and even though cognitively I know that I’m not, the feeling is overwhelmingly painful.
Thanks for reading this in spite of it being so long. God bless.
(USA) A, it doesn’t look like you have kids. If that is the case get out of your relationship now! You are young and you made a mistake getting married to a man you didn’t love. Be careful racing into another one though. There is no need to race into another marriage.
(CANADA) I think God led me to this discussion page today. I just spent the past 4 hours reading all the postings. I had googled, "how to end an affair" and wound up here. Thanks to all of you. Here I thought I was the only one going through this…
I have been a happily married (so I thought) mother of 2 for the past 19 years. My husband is a wonderful man. Just over a year ago, I started an affair with a married man, a co-worker, and have been struggling ever since with "Why?" Why did I let it happen? How could I be so weak? Even though I was asking myself this, at the same time, I was falling in love.
I broke it off, knowing it was the right thing to do, went through the feeling of having my heart broken, and even told my husband that I wasn’t happy with our marriage, but did not tell him about the affair. I totally crushed him, and we both realized that we had taken each other for granted, and his heart spilled over with love for me. I seemed like we were headed in the right direction. Then things slowed down, and went back to normal. I know now, that he was having issues at work, but did not want to share his feelings with me. I saw it as "I guess I have to accept that things will never change".
Soon after, my affair partner and I made contact again and rekindled our feelings. We didn’t see each other physically for several months, since he lives thousands of miles away, and instead talked on the phone and communicated over the Internet. A few months ago, he and his wife separated and filed for divorce, not because of me (or at least that is what he initially told me) but because of not seeing eye to eye on their future. He was hurting from this split and we made arrangements to meet. In a way, I was hoping that when I saw him again, I would realize that he was not what I wanted and return to my husband feeling committed to trying to make it better again.
Instead, when we met, it felt like magic, that we were meant to be. If felt so natural. How can something so wrong, feel so right? When we left, I started to believe that I was ready to give up on my marriage to be with him. When I told him how I felt, he said he wanted to be with me also, and that he was there for me and knew that I was going to go through a lot of pain and suffering to get there.
I have since told my husband about the affair, and have been facing that demon for the past couple of months. He has been hurt very bad, and certainly did not deserve it. He wants us to try to learn from the experience, and make it work between us. I know that I have to believe that I did everything that I could to keep us together, or else I won’t be able to live with myself.
So, for the past several weeks, we have been seeing a marriage counselor, together and separate, and have talked more that we ever have in our entire 19 years of marriage! Yet, I feel empty inside while we are trying, and I have given in to contacted my AP several times. I am at the point now in trying to learn from my past actions, and get to where I need to be, mentally, so I don’t fail in our next attempt to make things right.
My husband is being more patient than any man could possibly be, I’m sure. I know my time is running out, and I feel as if I’m on my 9th life. I’m trying now to step back and really look at my situation, and be with myself, talk to God, and figure out the kind of person I want to be, just as "notreallybob" put it (thanks for that!!!).
I realize from reading all the discussions, I guess I am addicted to my AP. I have to figure out how to end it, and even more so, how to stick to the No Contact. I just knew that I had already failed in the past, so what is going to make the difference this time? I’m hoping finding this web site will be part of the answer and I seek your help and guidance. My AP has not been pressuring me to make any decisions. He says he wants what is best for me and I have to figure that out. He says he will understand either way. I thought I wanted him, but now I am not sure.
We had even started fantasizing about what that would look like, and making future plans, until I got "caught" making contact again. I’m afraid that I didn’t try hard enough to work on my marriage the last time, so this time I have to do it right. Please help me do the right thing…..
(USA) I’d like to share this with all of you… a timely message for all of us struggling. Hope it brings light, hope and conviction in all your lives. Let’s continue to encourage one another. I believe the message below is truly the answer everyone needs to understand. Blessings to all.
MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST –September 8, 2008 — DO IT YOURSELF
Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God. 2 Corinthians 10:5
Deliverance from sin is not deliverance from human nature. There are things in human nature, such as prejudices, which the saint has to destroy by neglect; and other things which have to be destroyed by violence, i.e., by the Divine strength imparted by God’s Spirit.
There are some things over which we are not to fight, but to stand still in and see the salvation of God; but every theory or conception which erects itself as a rampart against the knowledge of God is to be determinedly demolished by drawing on God’s power, not by fleshly endeavor or compromise (v. 4).
It is only when God has altered our disposition and we have entered into the experience of sanctification that the fight begins. The warfare is not against sin; we can never fight against sin: Jesus Christ deals with sin in Redemption. The conflict is along the line of turning our natural life into a spiritual life, and this is never done easily, nor does God intend it to he done easily. It is done only by a series of moral choices.
God does not make us holy in the sense of character; He makes us holy in the sense of innocence, and we have to turn that innocence into holy character by a series of moral choices. These choices are continually in antagonism to the entrenchments of our natural life, the things which erect themselves as ramparts against the knowledge of God. We can either go back and make ourselves of no account in the Kingdom of God, or we can determinedly demolish these things and let Jesus bring another son to glory.
(USA) Hi A, Thanks for posting your story on this page. It’s certainly an unusual set of circumstances that began your marriage. I wanted to suggest to you to read what the Bible says on marriage – this can be found in I Corinthians 7. It has information, from the apostle Paul, on the state of marriage, the "rules" and the allowances for divorce. My reading of that chapter is that divorce is allowed if an unbeliever leaves a believing spouse or if infidelity has occurred.
I do not want to suggest to you how to interpret it or what to do in your situation, but rather, I’d let you read it prayerfully and let the Lord guide you into whatever conclusions you should draw after reading it.
After reading what you wrote – this is what the Holy Spirit brought to my mind, specifically. It’s a section from the chapter I mentioned. It talks about once you are called, stay in the "life situation" you are called in. It gives examples as well. My understanding of that is that if you were called when you were already married, even if you got married before you were a Christian, you are to remain in that calling.
Here’s the excerpt from I Corinthians 7:17-24 But each of you should remain in the place in life that the Lord has given you. Stay as you were when God chose you. That’s the rule all the churches must follow. 18 Was a man already circumcised when God chose him? Then he should not become uncircumcised. Was he uncircumcised when God chose him? Then he should not be circumcised. Being circumcised means nothing. Being uncircumcised means nothing. Doing what God commands is what counts. Each of you should stay as you were when God chose you. Were you a slave when God chose you? Don’t let it trouble you. But if you can get your master to set you free, do it. Those who were slaves when the Lord chose them are now the Lord’s free people. Those who were free when God chose them are now slaves of Christ. Christ has paid the price for you. Don’t become slaves of human beings. Brothers and sisters, you are accountable to God. So all of you should stay as you were when God chose you.
I also wanted to say that I’m sorry for you feeling lonely. It’s not uncommon for certain families to disown even their own children because they chose a life of Christianity. It even happens within Christianity itself. I met a young lady who grew up Catholic but decided to choose a non-denominational lifestyle and her parents no longer speak to her (very much) either simply because she chose not to be "Catholic" anymore. I pray that you will find a new "family" in Christians you meet, perhaps even in the people on this website. God bless, LT
(USA) Hi LT, Thank you so much for the personal response. I appreciate the Word you shared and will prayerfully seek God for discernment concerning it.
I have a similar understanding of divorce, however, it is still an option in my mind. I know God’s truth does not conform to our individual circumstances but at this point, I have no peace in my marriage, never have had any, and it’s impacting who I am. However, I will continue to look to the hills and seek the Lord concerning this.
I’m not sure I have the same understanding of "remaining in the situation God found me in." There were several things that were going on at the time that I got saved that were not positive or beneficial in my life that I had to change when God found me, including my interaction with my family [parents and sisters]. Again, I believe in praying and receiving confirmation from God so I will do that and I do appreciate what you shared. I just don’t see how that applies to me being married to who I consider the wrong person. One way of defining what you said is "you made your bed and now you have to lie in it" but I don’t believe that’s God’s intention for the mistakes or wrong choices we may make in life.
Thanks again and much love and blessings to you. A
(USA) I thank God now that he loved me enough to warn me ahead of time this would happen, the break up. I also thank God He loved me enough to step in and do what I could not do and end this. I also am thankful He gave me a chance for course correction without having to out me in the process.
I emailed J today and he asked me to call him. I told him we would never be speaking or emailing ever again. He told me he is able to open up with his therapist about things he had never ever shared with anyone and he has also opened his heart up to his wife and share with her. They are working on things and fixing things and they are making progress in that area in huge ways.
I told him I was going to allow God to fix me and my marriage as a result of what I had seen him go through. He is no longer going to church. I encouraged him to find a different one for he and his family and to get back involved with a certain area there, that he loved so much.
He was able to give me details of what had happened when all this came about… the breakup and fill in missing areas. I have total peace and I have total closure. I would never wish what I went through on anyone alive on the face of this planet. God is the only one that can totally heal this wounded area in any of us.
I feel I have a fresh chance to get on with my relationship with God and with my family and to start nurturing what I have. I wish I could go back and undo but I cannot. What amazes me is this did not surprise God. He knew before choosing me, the choices I would make, and this whole time he has just wanted me to run back into His arms and give Him my boo-boos and let Him heal them. The unconditional love of a Father is something my mind cannot comprehend.
Please get out of your relationships now… because in the end all that matters truly is the Father. Angel
(USA) Angel, I am so happy and proud of you!!!! When I think of God, I see him as a kind and loving Father as well, ready to hug me and comfort me whenever I go to Him. I am so glad to hear about your victory. Continued blessings, Angel.
I am holding on… it’s been over 3 weeks since my last encounter. I have nearly completed my resume and will be seeking other employment. I am working toward total separation. It is still tempting to be around my boss. It has become a little easier. I have a growing friendship (friendship only) with another coworker and he has helped keep me focused on our friendship rather than the sexual tension between my boss and myself. It has helped a bit. I never realized how all-consuming an affair could be.
Take care all of you and you all remain in my prayers, Love, Marie
(USA) Hi all. It’s been months since I have posted and just recently read through all the updated posts. They have been encouraging and hard at the same time. Although, it sucks that I have done what I did for so long and secretly hurt those I am closest to, I find it comforting that I am not alone and have someone to talk to.
It has been several months since we broke romantic contact (we still have to have contact as we work together and our families are very close). I have been very disciplined to hold a very tight line and he has been even more disciplined than me. The only problem is this deep sadness that I carry around. I miss him so much. I am sharing it here because I know that is the safest place to open up. I have learned that opening up to him makes it worse and only prolongs the relationship.
I do feel empty and sad and have a hard time extinguishing the memories. I do know God is filling the hole, but I still have very hard moments. Self pity has been very strong – why did this happen to me??? How did I fall in love with a married man (something I would NEVER do and helped others get out of)??? Why do I have to deal with this now??? It’s like I woke up and became madly in love with someone I was never attracted to before – AT ALL. It just happened suddenly. I know it’s a mind game and the Lord can cover all that stuff up with His love and sacrifice. I guess I am rambling, but today – I am sad.
(USA) Hello everyone! I would like to share what I have been going through. 5 years ago, my wife became pregnant. While in the pregnancy, I cleaned the house, cooked 4 times a week, washed the clothes, cut the grass, did the maintenance on the cars, etc while working a full time job. As she became further along in the pregnancy, I noticed she didn’t want me around at all. After 3 months of that (being only married 2 years), I wasn’t used to wanting attention and not getting any.
The kissing stopped and the hugs were far and few in between. I am a very physical and affectionate guy. So this has really bothered me. We would go to church on Sundays and she would never compliment me on how I look, but I made sure, that I said she looked beautiful. See I grew up in a home where both parents were very “touchy feely” in front of my brother and I, so I thought when I got married, that was what I was suppose to do too. So while my wife isn’t telling me I look nice, other women are (multiple women), not just at church, but in the grocery store, work, everywhere. I know I’m handsome, but I’m humble.
So I needed to go away on business and while away (1 week), I was at a church convention. All throughout the week, I’m getting compliments and looks. That’s no big deal, but remember, my wife has totally shut me out. I became emotionally interested in someone. We talked for about 3 months. Only talking, no physical contact, she was in one state and I was in another.
My wife saw the # on the bill and asked who it was, and I said a friend. She asked me to stop talking to her, but at that time in my life, she was the only one giving me any attention. I know it was wrong, but I talked to her for another month, but than broke it off. I never called her again.
From that day, I have asked for forgiveness and tried to do all I can. I took off work for 3 months after she was off to take care of the baby. So he was home with us for 3 months before he went to daycare. I went back to my routine of cleaning, cooking dinner and lunch at the same time, etc. Taking our child to and from day care, etc.
Now 5 years later which is 9/29/08. My wife says "I don’t have anything for you, no passion, no trust, no desire to make it work". Now I haven’t done anything since that time and she still hasn’t forgiven me. The things I do around this house, I don’t know anyone who does what I do and can’t get a hug or a kiss for it, or a thank you.
My biggest problem is being with a woman who flat out has told me, I can be married to you because I will never find a man as kind, caring, and takes care of everything, you are a great man, but I refuse to have sex with you, because I can’t see myself giving my body to you again. Than she said "Yes, I have the urge to be intimate, but I will deny myself to deny you". So, I’m living in a life of no reward. I work hard all day (2.5 hour commute each way) on the road 5 hours and when I get home, I’m cleaning, ironing, washing dishes, etc. At the end of the day, I want to be able to make love to my wife, but can’t.
What makes me mad is when we’re in public, she wants to hold my hand and all that junk. I’d love to hold her hand, if I knew it was out of love; but it’s out of appearance. She wants it to appear that we are affectionate. I used to be a very romantic person, writing poems, giving massages, making her baths with rose petals and everything. I can’t do it because she refuses to allow herself to invite me in. I tried the bath thing 3 months ago; hot bath, candles, roses and jazz in the background. Her response was this is really nice, but this will only lead to sex and I’m not having sex with you. So I made a decision to stop all the romantic stuff.
Over the years her words have really eaten away at me. I’m really fatigued when it comes to this marriage. It’s like running a race the hardest you can and someone say, “I don’t care how hard you try I will never give you the prize.” Yes, it’s been so long since I was with my wife it would be like a grand prize if we were together.
I grew up in a holy household, where I was taught the promises of God and to speak those things that are not as though they were. And for years I spoke a positive word over my marriage, because I was taught to never divorce, and to never give up on anything. But now when I get on my knees to pray, sometimes I can’t say anything for 15 minutes, because I’m in shock that my life is like this. My parents groomed me to be a true gentleman, a provider and protector and I treasured that up bringing, but I’m with a women who doesn’t allow me to demonstrate any of that.
I have to leave for work at 5:45 in the morning, but find myself staying up until 2 am, because why should I go to bed, nothing is going to happen, we don’t touch at night, nothing, absolutely nothing, so I’m tired a lot, but the anger of thinking "Man, I haven’t had a sex life in 5 years" Keeps me up at night. How many men do you know can stay in a marriage that long?
And the funny thing is today the stock market dropped 700+ points (yes, I lost money) and all I could think about was my wife doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that I want to be intimate. She just goes with her day like everything is so sweet between us. She’s planning trips and etc. I told her last year, I refuse to pay $2500 for a cruise to the islands and not once be intimate. Matter of fact I’m not going on vacation if I can’t be intimate at the end of the day.
So that’s my story. Hate is such a strong word, but I hate not having sex, I’m 35 and she’s 34, so you know we should be very active. Couples have the testimony of when we first got married we were all over each other. I don’t have that testimony, but would love to. How can I get this turned around?????????????
(USA) Ray, My heart really goes out to you. I am sure there would be an unbelievably long line of women who would jump at the chance to have a husband like you, if you were available. Did you realize that refusal to be intimate is legal grounds for divorce in some areas? Most counselors consider it a deal breaker, if the one withholding will not even consider working on the problem.
I’m not suggesting you divorce. I know that’s not what you want. I’m only making the point that you are NOT out of line to be so upset about this. It breaks my heart to hear a man say he has stopped all romantic gestures because his wife will not respond.
Have you two gone to counseling, or even considered it? If she won’t, it may help you if you go on your own. I know that sounds odd, but it does help.
Take care and keep us informed.
(USA) I honestly believe that the Lord led me here after seeing me in my grief and pain after nearly 3 days of NC with my AP. It helped to read many of the posts knowing that I’m not alone in this – I’m highly encouraged that perhaps I can come out of this victorious.
My brother had passed away at the age of 44 on Christmas Day 2007 and my husband and I were dealing with the separation of my son and his wife at the same time. My daughter-in-law and grandson moved in with us around the beginning of 2008. Having them there was challenging – basically my husband had to step up and be a father to my grandson since my own son was MIA.
What little time we had as a couple became non-existent. I stressed to him the importance of maintaining our own relationship but he pretty much dismissed it so I suffered in silence. Basically I felt like a third wheel, my grandson had his mother (my daughter-in-law) and my husband became daddy. I never felt such a wall go up between us in all of our 14 years of being married.
Going back a little further in our history, I lost my oldest son in a car accident in Nov. 2001 and my husband was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer in 2005 and was not expected to survive but by the grace and mercy of God, he did and is now cancer-free. During the time of my husband’s treatment and recovery, our marriage was never stronger, all glory and praise going to the Father.
Suffice it to say that my faith has been tested beyond measure but God proved Himself faithful in spite of my blatant unfaithfulness to Him and my husband. I cannot believe that I’ve found myself in this painful and sorrowful situation. I feel like an absolute hypocrite sitting in church on Sundays, teaching Sunday school, worshiping, etc. in an attempt to keep up the facade. My prayer and devotional time has also been deeply affected. I feel so far away from the Lord because obviously sin is spiritual separation…
The affair started about 7 months ago when both of us were rock bottom in our marriages. We met about 4 years ago when I started working with a new group within my company. My job involved working with him occasionally and our contact was minimal. I sometimes wouldn’t see him for weeks at a time. Once in awhile he would call or email (sometimes about work) but it was all very friendly at first and then the flirting began. We didn’t get involved until Feb. 2008. We basically tried to see each other when our schedules allowed, maybe twice a week for 30-60 minutes. We tried to break if off once before in June (he initiated it) but it only lasted for a week or two.
My AP told me last week that he needed to take care of his family and that by continuing on the way we were, our spouses and children would end up getting hurt – I knew he was absolutely right. He has been married nearly 30 years and has 2 adult children and a 14 yr living at home. It wasn’t fair to them or to us. Both of us go to church regularly and still Satan ensnared us so easily. I fell deeply in love with this man, having bared myself to him emotionally and having a physical relationship as well. The euphoria was overwhelming and yes, I’m still addicted.
He called on Monday to say "hi" and to see how I was. It was so painful and yet I still didn’t really want to let go. He said he still wanted to remain friends and to stay in touch to which I replied yes. Later that day I sent an email to him stating that it would be best to stop all communication at this time because it was just too hard, too intense on so many levels. It was difficult to be a friend after all that we shared with each other, although the time was brief but still so wonderful. I told him that perhaps later when things calmed down we could start over within the proper boundaries.
He tried calling me later that day but I had purposely left work early to avoid the call. He left a voice mail saying that he understood and wouldn’t try to contact me but will wait for me to call or email.
I know now that I can’t do either otherwise I will find myself at square one. The urge to call has been relentless – I have been wanting to call him at least a thousand times since Monday.
My husband (who is a brilliant and wonderful man) doesn’t know about AP but he does know that I’ve been teary, depressed and withdrawn. I assured him that it’s not him. This time of the year has its challenges anyway because my late son’s birthday is fast approaching and his and my brother’s death anniversaries are during the holiday season.
Knowing that I survived these horrific losses gives me the assurance that I can bear up under the pain of not having AP in my life any more. And yes, it is type of death which needs to be mourned. Please keep me in prayer for strength, wisdom and peace. Thank you all for sharing your stories. God bless you all!
(USA) Elena, I just wanted to send you love and huggles. I understand. I really really do. Angel