You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Angel – Thank you for the cyber-hugs. I felt so isolated and alone in this because there was no one I could share this with. This whole experience has been very humbling. Not too long ago I would condemn others for the very thing I was doing and now I know that I must always be vigilant against Satan’s lies and snares.
I am saddened beyond words. Right now all I want is to be with my AP and have no desire to be with my husband and I’m afraid of caving into the overwhelming feelings of wanting to contact him. I’m praying that the Lord will heal me and restore in me that love and desire for my husband that rightfully belongs to him. I know that my relationship with the Lord has to come first and by being obedient, everything will fall in place and properly align with His will.
(USA) Elena, I’m praying for you. May God give you lucid moments and help you to hang on to what He shows you in those moments. A phrase of a chorus has meant so much to me recently, "I give it all up again, to hear You say that You’re my friend." Having God’s approval and friendship is priceless. It’s worth more than anything in this world.
I know the relentless –I mean relentless emotions, and thoughts, and longings and desires, but you can do this. Just determine in your heart and mind to control your actions, as you won’t be able to get rid of those thoughts and longings for long time. Be strong, and renew your daily devotions. God’s word is the only path that leads to victory. Love and prayers. Rebecca
(USA) Hello everyone. I have spent quite a bit of time reading each and every post, and I certainly feel your pain, anguish, disappointment, fear, and hope. I’m a 45 year old man who allowed another woman into my life when I felt distant from my wife of 17 years.
I am a high level manager in a very large public agency and fell in love with a woman who is a mid level manager and was one of my subordinates. To make it more complicated, her husband is also a manager and my wife works here as well. I’ve known my affair partner for 12 years and her husband for 19 years. Both my affair partner and I were on our second marriages and have adult children, with my affair partner having only her adult son still at home.
We had become close while working together and discussing family and then personal issues, beginning late last year. The physical portion of our affair began in January at an out-of-town conference we were attending when we informed each other of our mutual attraction. We didn’t start to fall in love until we started text messaging and emailing each other on separate flights back home.
We had previously been scheduled for four out-of-town business trips in February, which we took together and started to make plans to end our marriages. While neither of us were content in our marriages, we both agreed our marriages were not bad. The first week of March, rumors began circulating around work about our relationship. I realized I had fallen in love with the woman who I felt understood me like no other, so I told my wife of the affair and separated shortly after. My affair partner, who did tell her husband of the affair, then told me that she didn’t think she had the courage to separate from her husband. So we attempted NC which lasted all of 12 hours.
Because of the rumors, I had to disclose the relationship to my boss and was moved to another division, which resulted in my affair partner’s husband needing to also be reassigned as I would have been his direct supervisor.
Over the last seven months of the affair, my affair has taken vacations with her husband and friends, to Utah and Arizona, Honduras, and New York. Each time she would tell me she was going somewhere, she would tell me she would separate from her husband when she returned home and she was only going because she had made the obligations before we started our affair. And of course, I believed her.
During this time we communicated via text and email and were able to see each other alone at the most twice a month. She told me her husband knew we were still communicating and seeing each other. However, I attend a daily meeting which he also attends and although we do not talk any longer other than the rare work issue that affects us both, he certainly has never acted like anything was wrong in his life.
My wife filed for divorce several months ago and we sold our home we have owned for 15 years and raised our children in. And I was informed last month that a promotion to an executive level manager that I would have gotten was stopped at the Agency level because of my affair.
My affair partner has told me numerous times that I am the love of her life, and that she loves and wants me like no other. She has told me all the things that lovers tell each other and I believed every one of them. She has said that she feared disappointing her adult children, her parents, her friends and the hurt she would cause her husband if she left, but that she was trying. I did tell her that she had the same fears when she left her first husband and she responded that she hated her first husband, but did not hate her current husband.
I have spent countless hours alone and waiting for her to return a text. I lost track of the number of times she promised she was going to meet me and “something” came up. However she never failed to go to one of her friends that was having a fight, or that she needed to go work out instead, or the litany of excuses she came up with. If she did meet with me, it was never for more than an hour. We tried to part and stop contact probably 6-7 times only for one of us to break contact less than 24 hours later and the affair would continue.
I’ve known for months that she made no real effort to see me and that she would only text or come over when it was convenient for her. I had mutual friends that have tried to offer me advice that she acted totally normal and as she always had when they would go to her house or see them around town. Many times I was told that she had no intention of leaving him, because no matter what she did, he wasn’t going to kick her out.
Finally on September 29, I told her that I did not have the energy to keep doing what we had been doing for over eight months. She begged and pleaded and finally convinced me to meet and talk. For the next four days she met me each day for hours and told me she was preparing to separate with her husband. Then she became distant and avoided me. I talked to her briefly on October 6, and told her that if she stayed with her husband, I could have no more contact with her. I at least owed it to him, because I knew that as long as she was talking to me, the cycle would never break. I said that if she stayed with him she needed to stay and not continue with what we were doing.
She tried calling me three times the next morning then sent me an email saying she couldn’t leave her husband and that she still wanted contact and to be friends in order to be there for each other. I almost had to laugh because although I had been available to her immediately for over eight months, she definitely had not “been there” for me. I know it has been just a fantasy.
As I type this I am realizing the absurdity of what I have done to all the people this has affected. I also wanted you to know that although it seems the roles are usually reversed, there are men out here that face the same hurt and struggles that you do.
This is my third day of NC with her and though I have decent moments, it feels as if by best friend has died. I know this will pass but it still sucks.
I went through a rough period in my life in late 2000 and really turned to God and for the next three years was focused on Him and experienced the greatest peace and contentment I have ever had in my life. Of course that peace does not exist at this moment, not because God isn’t with me, but because I have lost that touch with Him. I know that I won’t be successful with maintaining NC with her unless I turn my thoughts and needs over to Him. May God bless us all.
(USA) Todd, My heart goes out to you and prayers are being said for you and everyone else that comes to this site for encouragement. Reading your post was a sober reminder of how horribly destructive an affair can be and despite that, we continue to remain in them because the addiction is just so powerful. I too remember the peace and tranquility that used to rule my life when I was in close fellowship with God and I miss that tremendously. Everyday the war rages within my heart and in my head because of this love addiction I have for my AP. I feel so weak and defeated at times…
Rebecca, Thank you, and to everyone for your continued prayers… My AP called me last week and I didn’t have the strength to hang up. Now I know the painful truth of NC=NH. God help me to do the right thing but I haven’t succeeded. I feel horrible. Elena
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hello all, I am so happy to have found a forum like this on the web and I really thank God cos I have been at a point in my life where I feel so out of tune with God and His word. I want to thank everyone who has shared their experiences because it really helps.
I am in tears right now because I know I have been living in sin and God has consistently given me chances to quit, but I keep going back.
I have been married for more than 2 years and have a child. I am a Christian and I thought my husband was until 2/3 months into the marriage. You see, before we got married, it was all fastings, prayers, trying hard not to fall into sin of having sex before marriage, etc and God helped us. We were both virgins when we got married.
After a while, he started spending more time outside of us and it was killing me. I tried to tell hm that I needed him and we had to be together more so we could build the relationship, but he preferred to spend time with other people than me. He is also into porn and I feel so useless as I would wake up in the middle of the night to see my husband watching porn movies. I used to ask myself if there was something wrong with me, or why would a guy who could get ‘free’ sex any time keep turning to such. I didn’t feel like a wife. I used to be so sad and depressed. When I got pregnant, it was so bad that I couldn’t even get him to give me a back rub or to help me with stuff around the house.
I used to cry almost everyday, but I still loved him. To cut a long story short, just this year I found out he’d been lying a lot to me, he had relationships with women. I still don’t know if they were sexual or not, but sometime ago, I stumbled on some emails that showed that he was into affairs. They could be one night stands when he travels. At times, it was with a particular person. He spends nights in clubs, at times not coming back till the next morning. He drinks a lot but I’ve never seen him drunk, but I am afraid it could get to that stage. Our sex life is just physical, no intimacy as far as I am concerned. I feel so used as I don’t feel any connection between us.
When I talked to him about the other women, he even used to threaten with a divorce, etc. Well, in my depressed state, I started talking to a friend who was also having issues at home and we got real close. The irony of the matter is that this guy who is a Christian as well, used to encourage me to stay in my marriage, be a Godly wife, and do all necessary to keep my home. We used to pray together for our homes.
But then, we fell in love with each other cos we were both meeting some needs that had been left unmet for a long time. You see, I had always wanted someone who would be my friend, who we could share the word of God together, who would encourage me in the Lord, etc, and who would be so loving and caring. And it was as if I had finally found the person. That’s when the trouble started. We knew it was wrong to even be sharing our problems together, but because we were praying about it, it seemed as if it wasn’t an issue.
It got to a point that we both were seriously contemplating getting a divorce to then get married, but we knew it couldn’t be God’s will. We tried hard to stop all forms of contact but it has been a struggle on our parts. As God would have it, he moved to another country, so we don’t see each other as often. We used to talk everyday, encouraging each other but still professing our love for each other, wishing we were married. We have so much joy when we talk. It’s even greater when we do see each other. It is hard to see how wrong this is.
The problem I have is that I don’t love my husband anymore. I don’t even care if he has a million lovers or even if he divorces me now, as I secretly feel that would be my ticket to being with this other guy. But I know the other guy may not be able to leave his family. He has kids as well, so at the end of the day, the relationship may not end up anywhere, even though he says I am the one who is not ready to leave my husband and that he is.
A couple of months ago, we started becoming really intimate, kissing and all that but no sex. But it is killing me because I know we both know it is so wrong and we are going against the Word of God.
Now we have decided to end it and focus on God to help us out of the situations we have in our homes. But it is so difficult for me. You see, he’s the only person, male/female that has understood me, loved me unconditionally, cared for me, respected me and who is ready to accept me the way that I am. (My husband even says his love for me is conditional, imagine, that when I am good, he’ll love me, but when he feels that I am not doing what he wants, then he doesn’t love me.)
I see this guy as my best and closest friend. I share everything with him and now, I cry a lot, because I miss him so much. While I also want to please God and do the right thing, because all that should matter is God, right?
At times I think I should get a divorce and even if I end up not marrying this person, I would be free from my husband who I feel doesn’t love me, doesn’t respect me, and doesn’t care for me. But I can’t bring myself to do that as I am as guilty as he is in terms of breaking our marriage vows (in falling in love with another man).
I am at my lowest ebb right now. The pain is so great, I feel it physically. I used to think to myself that I couldn’t go on in life without this other guy in my life, even if he doesn’t become my husband. The fact that I have a relationship with him is okay for now, but that makes me the other woman right? This is so terrible as well as wicked.
I am so sorry this is really long but one. I am glad I am not the only one in this situation but I really need God right now as my relationship with Him has really suffered because I can’t seem to pray well, or even study the word well because of this great sin. My thoughts are constantly about this guy. I keep wishing I was married to him and can’t seem to forget about our times together.
HELP, what do I do? Liz
(USA) Hi Liz, Your situation sounds like a strange puzzle of lies from the enemy, confusion and a lot of hurt and pain. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is hard enough beginning a new marriage and having children right away, without all the other things thrown into the mix.
Porn is nothing but a fantasy, hot babes always ready and with an endless desire for more. Babes that never have to pay bills, raise kids or change diapers. It is only an illusion and is also a cheap replacement for intimacy. Women are addicted to porn and cyber sex as much as men are. It is like a drug and is a lie mimicking (imitating) a satisfying Godly relationship.
Yes, you have been wronged. And I am not even going to try to tell you what to do concerning your marriage. Yours is a strange mix of bad circumstances from the get go and you do not deserve to be abused verbally by a man that does not seem capable to love you properly.
But, please push past your feelings for this man. Now that I am out of the "fog" and out of this relationship I find myself angry at myself as well as "J" for having been in it. They and we both took what we needed at the time from each other and then went back into a world with our families unable to give them what they truly should have had from us. It is impossible not to lose feelings for a spouse when these feelings have been given or taken by another.
When I think of J now and the things I gave him, it makes me totally disgusted by him and immensely angry. How could I have been so stupid to throw away something so precious and so valuable? Feeling used and discarded is a terrible thing. Talk about a self esteem kick in the pants.
I so wish I could go back and undo it all. I wish I had never met him. I saw something online today. I believe God allowed me to read it wrong. It was typed “scarred” but I read it as “scarlet” (as in an American novel about an adulteress who had to wear a scarlet or red A) so I am going to type what was said the way I read it
There are no scarlet warriors… Where you have been qualifies you for where you are going… Changing the past would only divert destiny.
We need to use our pain to help minister to others, even if it is just here. God has not brought us this far to leave us the way we are. He is bringing forth repentance for a reason.
I can sense you are in great emotional pain and I just could not leave your precious letter here. You poured forth in so much hurt and pain to sit here until tomorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers, even though I feel so distant from God now as well. I have never seen Christians attacked so hard in a sexual area and I really believe the rapture is in the not so distant future and we need to try to get our unfinished business in order.
Hugs, Angel
(USA) Hi all.. I have a question about ending an affair. How do you end the affair if it’s someone you work with? You see the person everyday and there is just no way of ending contact. Especially so, if the person is your confidante and best friend at work. How do you resist the urge to want to be together?
(USA) Hi Janice, I left a comment dated Aug. 27 where I felt led to share what the Holy Spirit was telling me about the people here whose AP is a co-worker. Please feel free to read through that and take from it what you will.
Ultimately, God has to give you the nudge on what is the proper course of action for your individually but there are some verses that I mentioned in that post that might help you in your quest for information. God bless, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hello all, I am in need of help here, please help. I am so confused and even though I know what to do, I do not seem to have the strength to do it. My husband is not making things any better. I have not enjoyed being a wife at all. In all our years of marriage, he has not even set aside time for us to be alone together, be it going out for dinner or spending time someplace else outside the house.
There was a particular time, I even suggested that I pay for us to go somewhere, spend the night so we could have time for ourselves and talk, etc, but he came up with the usual excuse of being sick. And you know what happened, he went out with his friends the same night and didn’t come back till late.
Many times I feel he is so irritated by my very presence. It is so sad. I have no will to continue to fight and I keep thinking every minute of my days, that I wish I had not gotten married to him, imagine! It’s nice to come out with it that I regret marrying him. I keep thinking if I had married someone else, I may not have had it this difficult. It is so disheartening. I am really trying hard not to think about this other person so that my heart will be pure again.
Help somebody please. I seriously think of getting a divorce cos I am not happy at all. He does not meet any need of mine at all. He doesn’t even provide the usual allowances cos he says I don’t deserve anything from him, no love, no nothing. He seems to even think that I want to destroy him and not allow him to live his life as he wants.
(USA) Hello Everyone! I ran across this website because I am feeling so guilty about having an affair. I read all of your stories and it seems like you all have a close net, I would like to join in.
I met this guy at work, and was immediately attracted to him. I have been married for almost 10 years now and NEVER had an affair. I always accused my husband of having one because of my own insecurity’s. I have never been able to prove that he was unfaithful.
The reason I mention this is because I was the one who didn’t trust and now, I am the one having an affair. Anyway – my husband and I have not been getting along over the past 2 years or so. I had two children before we were married and he has raised them all of their lives (now 16 and 17). We also have one pre-teen of our own. He is not happy with the way I have raised the kids saying I have been too nice to them and didn’t show them enough discipline or "tough love".
They’re not bad kids, and I feel that I raised them the best way I knew however, he constantly blames me for everything they do wrong. He constantly tells me that I should have done this or I should have done that… all of which are things I cannot go back and change.
Just the past September, I started an affair with the man mentioned at the beginning of my story. We have only been together 2 times but I feel so, so, so guilty!! He tells me things that are good about me like I am attractive, etc. Things my husband does not say anymore. I confided in a friend who advised me never to tell my husband. I am really not sure if I want to stop the affair because (sorry girls) he is so good in bed. If I am feeling this bad, should I confess?? I don’t know if I can keep this inside forever. I need some advice, can you help???
(US) Liz, Hello and welcome. I have also had an affair with my boss over the summer. My story is listed above.
Liz, I realize that the guilt can be overwhelming. This website lead me to prayer and I confessed and talked with God. I was intimate with him for over a dozen times. I enjoyed being with him, but I felt so guilty afterward. Praying and realizing that God forgives even when I kept making the same mistake is what has kept me from falling apart. I haven’t been with him over a month, but I fight the temptation at least once a week.
He’s single and has always been fun, but he has been so kind to me lately in an effort to win back my affections. I still struggle, but God is always there to help me resist or forgive me when I fall.
Liz, He is there for you as well, waiting to comfort you. I did NOT confess to my husband… just to my Savior. I am not sorry that I handled it this way. In fact, I am glad. God’s forgiveness took the guilt away. I didn’t want to burden my husband because I didn’t have an affair because of him. God bless you!
(USA) I have read many of your comments and stories. I guess my situation is a little different. My husband and I (married 10 years- my husband is 15 years older than I am- I am 39) got into a business this summer and later this summer I started an affair with the man who we do business with. He NOT married, not attached, in fact he is a younger man – he is only 27. But he started to pay attention to me and I enjoyed his company and talking to him more and more.
Well it ended up that I was talking to him and texting him A LOT on my cell phone. Well, at the end of September my husband finally had caught on to something with someone and he asked for my phone bill etc… He found the number and who I had been talking/texting to. He was furious needless to say. I love my husband, but I just enjoyed this other man so much and I miss him dearly. For the winter months now he is in Arizona doing his work but mostly likely will be back here in the summer again. We are still in the same business as we were but my husband found someone else to take his (this other man’s) place.
I will be still seeing him if he comes back this summer and it will be HARD to not WANT him. My husband doesn’t KNOW The extent of our relationship – I just CAN’T bear to tell him that we had sex… I said all we did was talk etc… The other man stuck to that story as well as we felt that would only make matters WORSE.
I don’t have any children with my husband (he has 2 from previous marriage but they are out of college age). My husband never wanted kids as he had them already with first wife. I was fine with that. He can’t have them any longer now. But sometimes I think geez should I have had children? I am 39 …I am getting to the point of getting too old.
I am having a VERY hard time breaking the contact with other man. He is SO good to me. I have never asked him if I would leave my husband would he GIVE me a chance. Was it just sex to him? I don’t know… My husband and I are trying to work on our marriage and I have to be honest… do I WANT it to work? I am TRYING and things have been going great but when I get to work at least once a week I talk to other man on phone. I miss him so!! Thanks for listening everyone.
(USA) Hi Everyone, I have been reading your messages for hours. I’m on the flip side of this. I am the wife of an unfaithful husband. I’m not going to give a lecture of the total devastation that a family goes through when a father of 3 and husband of 24 years makes the decision to have an affair, this is not the place. I find it interesting that it is considered an addiction. This makes so much sense to me. I can now see the way he acts that he cannot stop or help himself. I always described it as he is in a trance.
I have a few questions that I hope you all could help me with. Have any of you ended up with a married man that has left his wife for you? If so how was your relationship with him when it was just the two of you and no longer having his wife in the picture? Do you trust him? Does he trust you? I ask this with all sincerity. I am trying to understand all of this. I have never been the other women, so I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what he is going through. He works out of town all week and she works with him. I only see him on weekends. She is not married and is older than he. Her children are all grown, ours aren’t. Thank you for any insight you can give me. God Bless~ Deb
(USA) Debbie, I’m not a woman having an affair, but had an ex-wife who had an affair with a man who left a 30+ year marriage to be with a man who could have been either of our fathers. She ended our marriage, and then ended up breaking up with him a couple of years after that.
Chances are better for betrayed wives restoring their marriages than they are for betrayed husbands. Just look at all the wives here who struggle with affairs like addictions, and many are still unwilling to be 100% open and honest with their husbands about what they did.
They may end the affair, and that is commendable, yet keeping the secret destroys real intimacy. I’m sure it’s not easy for wayward husbands either. I couldn’t tell you. But I do know there is hope. Even if your marriage is ended by your husband, Christ is there. Christ can get you the strength to go on, raise your children in the way of the Lord, etc.
For those who are unwilling to end an affair, or to confess an affair, Christ can give you the strength to do what scripture tells you to do, end your affair and confess your sin to your spouse, giving him or her the opportunity to understand why things haven’t been right between the two of you before and during the affair.
Failure to confess prevents the truth from being known and acted upon. Your marriage will always be second best, never reaching it’s full potential as long as the affair is hidden. The unconfessed affair is like a cancer that will silently kill your marriage.
I understand the fear in confessing. Yet God tells us in scripture we must confess to those we have sinned against, and that we should fear no man.
So my question for those afraid to end an affair, or to confess, do you really take God, the creator of everything at His word?
I would certainly be more afraid of disobeying God, than disappointing a spouse. I would be more afraid of God’s consequences for disregarding His Word, than any consequence a fellow human could deliver if we were to follow God’s Word.
So for everyone, the betrayed, the betrayer, the former betrayer, who will you trust today?
As for me and my household, we choose to trust the Lord.
(USA) Thanks Tony, My husband did confess to me but after I was done sobbing I got angry and asked him why? He then tried to take it back, saying he just said that because that’s what I wanted to hear! Now he goes back and forth with "he did and he didn’t have sex with her"! It’s exhausting to me. He tells me he wants to stay married to me but I know he is still with her.
I am trying soooo hard to understand what is going through both of their heads. It’s like he is a zombie when he’s at home with us. It makes me sick that he still wants to have sexual relations with me. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want to, even after explaining that I won’t while he’s having an affair. He tells me "but I’m your husband, you should".
I have just filed for divorce. I told him one time that if I were a vengeful person, I would wish the two of them would spend the rest of their lives together, wondering if the other is cheating on them. Any help? Thanks, Deb