You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Janina, Be strong in the Lord and the power of his might. 5 months is FANTASTIC. Don’t be fooled, even though will power has gotten you through. It is the POWER of GOD that will keep you from falling.
(USA) Hi All, I will certainly keep you all in my prayers, and for you Chris, restoration. I didn’t check out the movie this week due to work related issues-but still plan on renting it.
(RSA) Hi all. I am having problems stopping my affair. I find it’s just impossible! I’ve tried so many times, but every time I do – I don’t even last a day! I’ll miss him, he’ll miss me… you all know the story. Worst of all is that both of us are hurting. My husband was also having an affair and we’ve been separated for almost two years.
In fact he was going to get married to the other woman and they’d made wedding plans and everything. I managed to get over that and was waiting for him to serve me divorce papers and for us to go our separate ways. While all this was happening I met this man and he was just WOW!
Anyway, my story is pretty much the same as everyone’s after that. We had a relationship, did the "deed" and all. Now though, my husband wants me back. Honestly, I really don’t want to get back with him. Yet I know I’d rather give it a try and know that I tried – than just giving up. However I just can’t stop communicating with the other man! I don’t want to hurt him but I have to let him go. How do I tell him, in the least hurtful way, that what we’re doing is VERY wrong and that I must try and stick to my husband as is God’s plan? Help!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I’m 28, been married for 4 years and have known him for 6. But I just feel like it’s a dead-end, and one way relationship… and I can’t give anymore… I have nothing left. I will tell my story in short (as short as possible) and I would appreciate advice, ’cause I’m so confused…
My parents love him, that was a big plus point for me. And my dad told me I won’t leave the house unless I’m married… It seemed easy to do and I wanted to get out of the house so desperately… My dad ‘punished’ me when I did something wrong, or said something he would not approve of. He used to hit me with a belt buckle, it was terrible… I don’t have a relationship with my dad, I love my mom, but that’s not my biggest problem at the moment.
My hubby doesn’t show love to me. He’s watching TV every night and weekends and I’m always the one begging for attention! If I try to hug him or kiss him, he will push me away! He will say to me I’m ugly and need to lose weight, although I’m not. I started to do modeling 10 months ago, just to hear other peoples opinions and because I always wanted to do it. He was so angry at me and hated my pictures. He will never hold my hand in public, and puts me down in front of his friends. He will call me B*tch in front of them, and he knows I hate it. Then he will say, it’s his ‘lovable’ name for me!! We don’t ever go on vacation alone, he will always invite friends to come (mutual friends). I don’t have any friends left, he told me to leave them! He will threaten to hurt me or hurt my dog or say rude things to me.
Long story short, I started to see one of my friends, without him nothing it, because I know he wouldn’t approve. We went for coffee, and he was so nice, and made me feel I’m beautiful and something of worth. Then I did something I shouldn’t, but we kissed (nothing else happened) and my hubby caught me at the guys place!! And he kicked me in the stomach. He told me to get all my stuff and move out. One day later he allowed me in the house again.
I’m living in fear everyday. He’s willing to give me another chance. But he will call me names, and tell me I’m a prostitute and there’s nothing good about me. But why did he do something to me and nothing to the other guy?! He told me he did not think…. and he’s sorry and he doesn’t ever say he’s sorry! He wanted to know every detail… and I couldn’t. I lied to him. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt like a little girl again, afraid to tell the truth, afraid to get punished… But after a while I did tell him what happened. It’s been 8 months and I still don’t believe me about anything! I never had contact with the other guy again. I feel so ashamed!!
I don’t know what to do anymore… I am the one who did something unforgiving. Please help. Thank you. *hugs*
(SOUTH AFRICA) I need prayers. my colleague showed an interest in me since early 2008 but I ignored him. Early this year he started calling again, telling me how much he loved me and wanted to take me out. To my surprise I started to entertain his calls and also miss him. I eventually started to call him as well and starting to think about him. We will talk for an hour on the phone. He is married and I am also married. By the way, my husband is too good.
I am so much attracted to him. I went out for lunch with him, I enjoyed his company, I just want to be with him always. I also make time to be with him even after work before I would go home. We have never made love but we kissed a lot. Now I am scared that it will end up to that. I am so ashamed of myself and also to God. I pray and cry wanting to repent, but afterward I would want to talk to him.
Sometimes I will decide that I will not call him, later on I will call him or he will call me and tell me how he loves and misses me. I will tell him that I love him too. I miss him a lot. I just want to be with him. I am on my 3rd day without talking to him. He is a very busy person at work. Once he is free he will call me but I am just scared that when he calls I might find myself not being able to tell him not to call me anymore because this is what I want to say to him. I just need strength to be able to tell him that and he knows how much I love him. I tried before to stop this but it did not work.
Thank you for this website, I was a bit relieved to hear that I am not alone on the struggle, but I trust God that He will deliver us. I am just waiting for that day when everything will be over.
(USA) Just want to comment, I have read many of the posts, they all start sounding the same. I am the husband of my wife who had a emotional affair in the last year. I am certain it was not physical, but the affects are much the same. I am on the receiving end of many of the feelings that the women on here are expressing, "I don’t have feelings for him anymore", "He is good and I love him, but I am not in love". etc.
I do find it curious that many are asking, "How do I get over the feelings?" at the end of an article titled "Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair." My wife and I are in a situation (short term I pray) that has not allowed for total non contact. I have seen that I cannot hope for any real change in feeling until the separation happens. Even the small amount of contact makes any hope of her seeing the things I am trying to fix and feeling the love I have for her impossible. I am persevering until that day, then maybe things can start to change.
I see stories of going months and months, then having to send an email or text. There is no middle ground. There will always be one more text, one more email, one more call. You must stop forever if there is to be any hope, if hope is truly what you want. Don’t fool yourself. Keeping it in your mind will not allow it.
If you have any compassion for your spouse, then stop the contact. You are lying to them and yourself otherwise. Change jobs, move, do whatever it takes, if you really want to save your marriage.
Also, tell your spouse. They know something is wrong. It helps to know what, as much as it hurts. We are hurting already. To not tell is selfish. How they react is up to them, but being truthful is up to you. Not telling the truth about something like this is as big a lie that you can tell.
I suspect most of the people on here were involved in a marriage like mine, two good people, no abuse, who failed to meet the others needs. I feel betrayed, but also lucky that my wife told me and even though things have not stopped as fast as I would like, it woke me up to the reality of my poor life as a husband. But don’t delude yourself to think that you can still keep some of the wrong relationship to supplement your marriage, even if you can tell yourself it is innocent, not like before or some other rationalization, and everything will be OK. It won’t. Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair.
(RSA) Hi ladies, I would like to thank Steve and Cindy for this website, I came to know about it at the right time and I believe it is God intervention towards my situation.
I am married to a wonderful loving husband, but I do not understand what is happening with me. I had an affair with a married man. It started at the end of February. One day I want to end it because I know how wrong it is, and the other day I still want him. Last week I was better because I did not contact him but after he sent me an email I became weak and crazy about him again. Part of my job involves working with him, now and then. He will email job related issues but that sometimes triggers a lot of things on my emotions. I miss him a lot and when we are together we become so intimate. We kiss but no sex at this stage and that stays in me for a long time and it affects my relationship with my husband.
It is so painful to think that you are in church and stand in front of the children of God with so many hidden burdens. That kills me and I feel so bad about myself. I have prayed and cried but I am still struggling with this. I do not like what I am doing and also feel so badly about myself. I have tried to tell and text him more than once that we must stop this, but once I hear his voice I just cannot resist him and become so weak, it will be like I was joking, and we will start over again.
The connection and my relationship with God is gone. I do not feel it anymore. How can one leave and survive in this world without God? I do not even know that God will answer to my other prayers while I am still in this situation.
My AP wants to see me on Friday and proposed that we book a hotel just for few hours. One part of me wants to see him and the other part does not want to see him. I am scarred that we will make love this time and I just do not want to imagine how will I live with that.
Please pray for me, I just want this to come to an end but it is so difficult. The only hope I still have is that I know I am still a child of God even though He does not like what I am doing, and one day all of this will be over.
(USA) I am so grateful right now for stumbling upon this website during a Google search! I have only ready the first 20+ posts, but I just had to scroll down and see how recent some of the replies were, and I am thanking Jesus that there is one for today and I can share my story!
I met a man on the internet. It was friendly and flirtatious at first, but led to much more. When I first began talking to him in September, I figured there was no harm because he lived in Ireland and I live in the US. I was married with three children, and five years older, and he is an atheist. The more we talked, the more in love with him I fell. He made me feel special and beautiful and smart, something I had never experienced with any man, not even my husband.
Then in November, he came for the first of two visits. We fell even more in love, had sex, and I had the best two weeks of my life. However, after he went home, I decided that I could not handle the stress of an affair, all the secrets and lies, hurting my children. It was too much too bear. But I guess after reading all of these other posts, I can totally see how they say an affair is an addiction.
I felt that I was not following my heart, and I begged him to forgive me. So when he came for his second visit in February, my plan was to spend the time with him, then went he went home, I would at least have those memories. But our bond is so strong, we have been communicating ever since. My husband and I had already been having problems, and we still may divorce at this point, but I can’t go on living in sin like this anymore.
As much as I love this other man, I know that I made a commitment to God and to my husband, and I have to at least try to work on my marriage. If my husband doesn’t want to, then at least I can know I did everything in my power to make it work. I just know that this other man is not going to understand, being an atheist. For awhile, I was questioning my own faith. But I can’t deny it anymore. Jesus is trying to help me and I’m tired of ignoring him. Please help! Lost and Alone, Becca
(USA) BT, Listen to yourself. You have answered your own questions. Continued contact will only keep you stuck. You must not talk to him. You must not go to a hotel with him. You seem to be saying, I can’t resist this on my own, so I will do it, and since I am a child of God, he will forgive me.
Say this instead. God, give me strength, I can’t do this alone. Hear His voice instead of the others. God hasn’t gone anywhere, turn back to Him; He is right there.
(USA) Hi! I stumbled across your sight by shear luck and boy am I glad I did. It’s nice to see that I am not in this boat alone. I too "drifted" and have been trying to end it. It is so hard and hurts so much I cannot believe it.
I have been with my lover for 5 years and, try this one on for size, he lives across the street!!! I wrote my letter and will be giving it to him tonight…wish me luck! I have been in therapy for this and obtained much more useful insight and how to end it from your web site than my therapist ever provided for me. So, I just want to thank all of you for pouring your hearts out and providing me with a place to go with this problem. Wish me luck with my letter.
(USA) It has been a year since my break up with my affair partner. I have been dreading this day. Emotionally I was not sure what it would hold. But yesterday a voice in my head told me to think of it instead as FREEDOM. A new chance… to be free.
(CANADA) I am so thankful that I have found this blog. I am currently sad and confused!
I have been with my husband for 16 years and have three children together. We met when I was 16 and he was 25. At the time that my husband and I met; I was in a casual relationship with the man I ended up having a 6 year relationship/affair with. At the time of meeting my husband, I did not think that the man I was in a casual relationship with was serious about me although he always told me he had a special place in his heart for me. So when I met my husband I wanted to embrace the relationship with my husband. I let the casual man go. I always knew I had love for him I just did not think he was serious about me.
I moved on and had my first two children with my husband but throughout that time frame I would casually get together with the other man. Trying hard to express my love for him but never being brave enough to leave my husband for him for fear that the other man only wanted me for the sexual compatibility.
Over the years the other man and I lost contact and I moved on to try to make my marriage work. My husband was not the best husband and I felt lonely and wanted to leave but never had the courage to do so. I was a stay at home mom as my husband did not want me to work but he barely made enough to support us. He was mean at times and I felt as if he took me for granted. Over the years I convinced myself that the other man was my soul mate and that although I did not know where he was that one day we would be together forever.
6 years ago out of the blue, I was in an area of my city that I had never been before and by golly he was there. He recognized me and it was if I was in heaven. I told him that I loved him that I have always loved him and that he was my best friend and I missed him terribly. We exchanged numbers and met for breakfast the very next morning. Of course my husband had no idea.
The next morning at breakfast, the other man told me that our interaction would be dangerous as we had such a strong connection.
Our desire for each other was so strong and exhilarating and it made me feel like a woman again.
I felt secure in his arms, in his presence. I found a sort of inner peace that he was back in my life. Over time our affair took on a form of a full fledged relationship. We talked about moving in together, having children together and just having a wonderful life together. Our relationship for the most part was wonderful however at times throughout the last 6 years we did stop talking as I was scared to leave my husband for him, fearing that I was not really what he wanted.
Things always started up again and I fell more and more in love with him. Things were good until last summer when I had left my husband and moved into my own apartment with my children. I hated where I moved to and was having a difficult time adjusting to where I was living. I was scared that I had made a mistake. I left the apartment within 21 days and although I did not move to the apartment under the guise that the other man and I were going to be together; when I moved back home, the other man freaked out and told my husband about the 5 year affair at that time. He told my husband everything, I mean everything!
I told my husband that I loved the other man and yet I tried to fix things with my husband but could not stop thinking of the other man and wishing I was with him. I found out shortly after I moved back home that I was pregnant with the other man’s baby and once I told him he hung up the phone and called my husband and told him. I felt like this was my chance to be with the other man and start the family I always dreamed of with him.
At this time my husband told my children everything as well. So I felt the pressure of my children knowing all my dark secrets. I felt that I made my bed now I had to lie in it. I entertained the idea of having a life with this man and having the baby. We planned to move out and he brought me to tell his family. When I was there his sister did not agree with our relationship and was visibly upset. Later I then went to see her with the other mans approval; when I was there she told me a whole bunch of things about the other man that I did not know. This caused me to be afraid of moving forward. I confronted the other man and when I did so he got very upset.
Throughout all the stress I lost the pregnancy and he blamed me. We stopped talking briefly when I ended the relationship in front of my husband. But that did not last long as I love this man! I do not want to give up on the dream. We began talking again, thus the relationship ensued very quickly.
He and my husband spoke on a daily basis at times with the other man filling in my husband of every detail. This made it very hard for me to end the relationship or want to at times feeling as though what I have done is unforgivable and I would be giving up the man I love for my husband who is going to leave me anyway.
So I moved forward with the other man again. We rented a house together that we were supposed to move in together on January 1, 2009. We painted it, planned it and again I was pregnant. The kids knew everything, my husband knew everything. But again I found out that the other man had some qualities that made me scared. I had some bleeding in this pregnancy and went to the hospital; the other man and my sister came with me. Everything would be fine If I rested.
I found out that later he went back to the hospital and through one of his connections obtained my medical records and a copy of the ultrasound. This scared me and again made me upset. Through the arguing and turmoil; I began bleeding very badly and lost the baby again. The other man and I stopped talking again as I felt as if he was controlling and I could not trust him as he obtained the medical info to show my husband. This too only lasted a few weeks. We began our relationship again and started to talk about moving in again.
In Feb I moved in for a period of three weeks and then moved out again after 3 weeks as he was playing mind games with me. I missed my husband and felt that I made a mistake. I was also paying for everything as he does not have a job. I picked my three children up and left. Once gone, I felt saddened and I did not know what to do. I missed the other man terribly, I love him. I started the relationship again and told him that I would move in again, but every time I was to move in something happened again and again that prevented me from moving in. Mind games, talking to my husband, mostly trust issues.
This happened until two Fridays ago, my husband lost it and kicked me out as he either wanted me to work on our marriage or get out as it was destroying him watching me have an affair while living with him. It was not fair to him. I agreed and I was saddened by the pain I put my husband through.
I ended up moving back into the house with the other man that Sunday. The very next morning I was feeling regret and saddened as I did not want to leave my husband. I wanted this relationship with the other man to end. I just did not know how to stop it cause I love him. And I felt like I was giving up on a dream.
The other man started fighting with me again and began to sleep on the floor. Ignoring me, and again calling my husband. IT ANGERED ME! It hurt me that the other man was constantly rubbing salt in my husbands wounds. I hurt for my husband! I hurt for all that I have done by tearing up my family and hurting him. I ended up not being able to take the relationship with the other man and with the grace of my husband wanting to forgive me, I moved back home with my husbands help.
I have known for a very long time that the relationship with the other man had to go, but I feel that every time I do I lose a part of me. I am afraid of trusting that my husband will try to forgive me. I can’t even seem to muster up enough courage to try to forgive myself. My relationship/affair gave me self worth and self esteem in the beginning and now has crushed anything I have. I do not believe that I am worthy of my husband’s forgiveness as I have hurt him for 6 years straight and honestly I am not sure I would be able to forgive him if he were on the other end of this mess.
The problem I am facing is that I want to work on my marriage. I want to mend my husband’s heart and fix our family. In fact I want to mend me too, but I miss the other man terribly. Today is hard. I am at work and crying as if someone just died. It feels like that. I always believed that the other man was my soul mate and I felt that GOD placed him in my life 6 years ago cause he knew how unhappy I was. But if that was true, why did I not go to the other man? Why was it not blissful?
Why do I feel so much guilt and heartache for hurting my husband? After 6 years of this affair, I still feel obligated to my husband. My heart lies with both men.
When I look at everything which mostly all of the 6 years is not written in this blog, I know I need to end it but why do I feel so sad? I know I want to fix my marriage and I know that this is for the best as I have lost myself through out this affair, but it is a bitter end.
(CANADA) Sometimes I justify the other mans actions cause I am still with my husband and that the ties to him are not severed completely. By the way, I was not clear but all three of my children are from my marriage. My pregnancies with the other man were not viable due to all the stress. Maybe it is a God send but at times it doesn’t feel like it.
I wish I knew for sure that I am doing the right thing and everything will be okay. It has been 5 days since the other man and I had any contact and I know it needs to stay that way but I miss him. I keep trying to lean on my husband as he knows everything and still wants to work things out and still tells me he loves me. I love my husband but through this affair I have distanced myself so much that at times I feel awkward.
(USA) I’ve been married for 22 years. I had the occasion to contact a girl to whom I was once engaged while on a business trip 12 years ago. Before the act itself ever occurred, I had second thoughts but tried to go through with it anyway. I later wrote the girl a letter apologizing for it ever having taken place… 2 years afterward, her husband found the letter and contacted my wife, just to hurt back I suppose. My wife said she forgave me. As for me, I never forgave myself and spent from the time of my one discretion to now hating that it ever happened and being evermore faithful. Well, it takes 2 to form the union and my wife decided to have an affair with a co-worker. That affair lasted at least 2 years, emotional and then physical. I found out about it and she ended it but still works with the guy.
2 years have passed and I have worked through forgiveness. Every time a bad memory pops up, I forgive as that is what God teaches and I am trying. In these 2 years, I have tried to trust but as long as she works with the guy I struggle and fail at trust. Last Friday she went to a fundraiser with her friend. When she got home she said she left her purse and I fell asleep before she got back. I didn’t think anything of it until 4 days later. I called her friend and confirmed that they were together the whole time.
Although I didn’t want to stir up new trouble, I called her ex-boyfriend’s wife and found that he was also there. We had an explosive argument this morning. I made threats and we had the worst argument of our 22 year marriage. But we don’t ever talk and are not close. I have not felt close in a very long time. I told her that if she wants to stay together, she has to choose between his friendship and our marriage. I referred her over and over to the subject at the top of this blog. She said she was going to see a lawyer, threw up damaging the kids lives and really tried to make me feel like I was the one to blame. AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
When things started cooling down I told her we needed to communicate about serious subjects and yes, I am terribly insecure as long as she works with the guy. She said she will not quit her job. We have tried counseling. It didn’t get through to her. It helped me. I don’t need any more counseling. I need her to communicate with me.
(USA) I am seeking advice. I am married and got involved with a married man. Both of us married almost 25 years and we acted like two teenagers. It was emotional affair, some physical contact though we never slept together. His wife found out which ended the relationship (carpooling, texting). We still continued to see each other because we work together each night.
Due to the economy he has been laid off from where we work, and thought the relationship was over. There hasn’t been any contact for almost two months, then he was called back to work last week. (I thought I had it together, thought I was over it. I told my husband about the whole situation and he forgave me and have been working on making our marriage better. I wrote the wife a letter and apologized.)
He talked to me in the parking lot and ‘reeled’ me in again saying how much he missed me and thought about me everyday for the past two months. I know what we have is an addiction and I’m trying so hard to get past it. Now, after two months it seems all my efforts concerning my marriage and my ability to get over this relationship vanished. I was moody and irritable last week, emotions ran amuck.
My question is…how do I get past this? I need my job and can’t quit. We depend too much on the benefits. How do I get over this when I see this person on a daily basis? There are little things I could do like park in a different parking lot, try to get to my car first, but just the act of seeing him throws me into a tailspin. Thanks in advance for any advice.