You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(PHILIPPINES) I’m having an affair. I’ve been married for only three years with my wife and I met this woman on one of my business trips. We ended up having an affair. First through texts, then we met face to face and had sexual relations.
I can’t let it go. My wife found out, but eventually she forgave me. But up to know, and without her knowledge, the affair goes on. I feel like I can’t let my other woman go. Sometimes I feel like leaving my wife, taking my kids with me and starting over with my lover.
It’s crazy I know. I’m a top level manager for a multinational pharmaceutic firm. But I can’t seem to get a grip on what is right or wrong.
My lover says she doesn’t want me to leave my wife. She’s still single (my lover), though I feel that there are also other men who are courting her.
I feel so weak now. I know what I need to do. I know I need to end the affair. But it feels like I’ve fallen so deeply. I’m even making arrangements for me and my lover to go on a weekend vacation. We only see each other every other month during my business trips out of town. What do I do now?
(USA) I hope my post will not be deleted because it offers a differing point of view. I understand this website is all about helping marriages and saving marriages and I am fully supportive of that, as is my husband. We also though believe though that it is good to consider other points of view.
My husband and I have been very committed Christians all of our married lives and have been married nearly 22 years. While I never had a secret affair, after nearly 20 years of marriage I did find myself in a situation where I developed very strong feelings for another man (single). It could have easily developed into a full-blown affair and many terrible consequences from it, but my husband and I chose a different path and we chose to let this person be a part of our lives (mainly a part of my life). It has been one of the greatest gift my husband could have ever given me. The other man has been a part of my life for almost a year and a half now and although there have been struggles and ups and downs, my husband and I would both say that our marriage is stronger today than it ever has been, especially the way our communication and trust have grown.
While we would not advocate our choice to everyone, it has worked for us. I truly believe that a lot of what is taught about monogamy is much more cultural than Biblical.
I also believe if this is a very wrong and evil choice that God would reveal that to the individuals involved if they are truly seeking His will, which we are, and believe that our situation was meant to be and happened for a reason.
I think that what a husband and wife choose together as okay for them is okay before God, as long as there is no harm done to any other people (because Jesus told us the Law is summed up in two commands: Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself).
(USA) WOW..All the comment are very helpful to me and LORD knows I need HELP!! Here is my story and I hope I can break away… First let me start with I have been married 25 years and am still married. I am a habitual cheater. I have had over 25 affairs with some one nite stands. Of course I know this is wrong but I don’t feel guilty at all. I think it’s because my husband verbally and mentally abused me for several years. I have had about 3 long terms affairs lasting anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.
Currently I am involved with a married man going on 3 years. To say I am addicted to this man is putting it lightly. I can’t think of anything else. Everything in my life has suffered because of my addition. Yes, I can say all the things like everyone else… incredible sex, emotional attention… low self esteem. I know deep in my heart he will never leave his wife and the chances of me ever trusting this man is “nil”. He also has admitted to having several affairs himself.
This is my addition… we have talked everyday for the past year for about a total of 5 hours each day… NO LYING… in addition we text each other in between phone calls and very late at night for hours. We have never said we loved each other and we both never have said we are leaving our spouse. I feel I am obsessed with this man. I only get about 5 hours of sleep each night waiting for him to text me. I can’t break away… I know I have to get healthy and find myself.
Of course my husband suspects and has done everything in his power to change and win my heart back. I loath my husband and can’t stand him. I may have a nervous breakdown if my lover breaks it off from me. I’ve seen a counselor and it did not help. I just sit back every day and wait for “him” to call me and text me… which he does all day long. I can’t think anymore and when I do sleep, I dream about him… Help me.
(CANADA) Hi, I am writing this because it’s the only support website I have found to support victims of an affair, being the girl friend, not the wife. My affair started over three years ago and we were caught after about 6 months. My marriage ended but his didn’t. We continued the affair up until this past Valentine’s Day. I could write a book on the drama and impact it has had on people involved.
I’m a nurse and he is a physician at a Long Term Care Facility. We have worked together for 20 yrs or more. He wanted me to go back to my husband and keep him on the side, a couple a times a year. I couldn’t do that to my husband and I couldn’t trust myself not continue the affair. So I chose to end my marriage after 22 yrs and I was on the side with him for the past 3 yrs.
He started treating me like he only wanted me for sex and would call only when he wanted me. I was like a puppy dog waiting to be thrown a bone. His wife found out approx 20 times and continues to keep him. I called her twice and he still kept coming back to me for sex. I am so ashamed of myself for the past three years. This man is wealthy and now I live in an apartment living paycheck to paycheck.
He has ended the affair by sending me a letter telling me he will avoid me as mush as possible. I am extremely angry and can’t seem to move on because of the anger. He works in the same building as I do but he also has his own family practice as well. His children are all grown and he doesn’t need the job where he has contact with me, but I do. I have 28 yrs seniority with pension security. He can give it up and it wouldn’t affect him.
He is 63 and I am 48. He drives around in his fancy sports car and struts his stuff like he is a king… I am so, so angry. Everyone tells me I’m the better person for not being revengeful but everyday it eats at me. I feel used and mentally, emotionally abused by this man. He had a good time at my expense. It cost me my marriage, my beautiful home, my daughters respect, and everything I worked so hard for and he lost nothing.
He is a man consumed with greed and selfishness which is stronger than love. I’m on pins and needles at my job not knowing when he may show up and I have to deal with him everyday indirectly and at times directly. I can hardly take it. He signed the letter he sent, "always with fondness and respect." The fond memories are those that cost me my marriage and he has no respect for me or he would quit this job and give me peace.
I still am very much in love with the man I thought he was, but I despise the man he is. I really feel I need some support from women who have been though this type of affair. Any advice for me to help ease the pain of dealing with him would be more than appreciated.
(USA) Evelyn, Your comment “I still am very much in love with the man I thought he was, but I despise the man he is.” says what a lot of us have felt. You are in the “fog” of the affair and can’t see this clearly now. There’s a video I’d like you to watch that actually says that in the songs lyrics. It helped me. Will write more later but wanted you to see this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnLH0YsmUnM
(USA) Hi all, I’ve been following the comments posted here since the beginning of the year and my story is pretty much the same as the rest… married almost 30 years to a great guy, but somehow got involved with someone much younger and it lasted for almost two years. I tried time and again to break off the affair because I knew it was wrong and it was messing up every aspect of my life, but the emotions were so strong that I kept going back.
I finally got fed up with the other guy about six months ago and broke it off for good, then asked my brother to have a strongly-worded anonymous “father/son” talk with him when he started calling me again 3 weeks later. My brother informed him that there would be “consequences” if he tried to contact me again and I’m sure my ex assumed that he was the “other boyfriend” that he always accused me of having whenever I tried to break up with him before.
Since then, I’ve been in counseling and have made a lot of progress in restoring by former life … last Thursday was the 6 month anniversary of the last time I had any contact with him and, although it was a milestone of success, it also dredged up a lot of residual memories and emotions making me wonder if I will EVER just be able to get over this!!!
I NEED to hear a word of encouragement from someone who is farther along this path than me. I suppose time heals, but do you ever really get completely over it? Although he is long gone in the physical realm, I just can’t seem to get him out of my head and I don’t want him there anymore and it’s making me feel crazy …
(USA) I am so very thankful to run across this site. I am in such need of this inspiration you all have shared, as I struggle deeply.
My story is just like so many of yours. I was caught by surprise. My married man is an old high school friend. At one time in my life I completely adored him for some time. We were just kids and nothing materialized. Well, 6 months ago he found me after 20 yrs and we began a serious emotional relationship. Everyday all day we would engage in conversation. One thing lead to another and before we knew it we had taken our relationship to the next level.
I am a married woman with 4 children; he is a married man with 2. I knew it was wrong right from the beginning. I don’t actually know how I even got here to tell you the truth. I was in church 3xs a week with my beautiful family. We had a wonderful family unit and somehow I let it all slip away and became totally obsessed with the contact of my lover. I spend many hours of the day on the net and he really just filled my time with his desires for me.
After 3 months his wife got a hint that there might be something going on, and he said he had to cool it off. Well that only lasted for a minute. We were right back at it constantly in contact. Now mind you I always did most of the contacting he always did his best to respond of course, but there were so many days and nights I felt totally neglected. I kept an online journal of sorts and to read through them I see all the hurt he caused me daily. He did not do this intentionally. He did it to make sure I knew that he was never going to leave his family. I was his “dessert”.
I have dealt with the NC for a while. Not too long ago I deleted him from my FB because he hurt me that day (about 2 wks ago) and I was ready to NC him ever again. I had no idea really how much pain this has caused me.
Anyways I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. He went outta town, but yesterday I sent him a quick IM and his reply was short. He said his wife found out about us, that one of her friends saw him pulling into the hotel. (We haven’t been to that hotel in over 6 weeks so I do think he was lying) but his bottom line was he needed to slow us down and try to work on his marriage.
Well, being me and caring so much for him I told him that would be the best thing and I wished him luck, that there would always be a special place for him in my heart. (There always has been.) I made him a smiley face and deleted him as my friend of FB.
That was yesterday. I feel like I am suffocating. This pain is very real and intense. The worst part of it all is that I have this wonderful husband who wants nothing more than to please me. I pray I have those feelings for him once again soon.
(MALTA) Hi everyone… I am so happy to have found this post… I have ended an emotional affair with a married man three weeks ago and have been trying everything to fill the void with something else, so that I would not ever fall again.
it’s great to be able to read so much about God, because God is the reason why I have ended it… I kept the tenth commandment in my mind “thou shalt not covet…” I was also so afraid that one day his wife would find any of the emails we have exchanged and then I would be the culprit for a person being hurt. I did not want that responsibility. We have only ever exchanged emails but they were intense and the reason why I am feeling such intense emotions is because THIS GUY SEEMED SO PERFECT FOR ME! Yet, as I told him, he couldn’t be so perfect because the perfect man in my life would not seek comfort with another woman while married to someone else.
Anyway, I just needed to vent… just trying to fill up this void so that I would not be tempted to contact him. He sent me an email yesterday after 3 weeks of no contact. I thanked him, sent him hugs back and managed to say the right things so that he would not contact me again (I prayed so much to God before sending that reply).
This guy is married with two young children… He has an emotional gap in his marriage and I was trying to get over a difficult time in my life because the person I loved so much left me out of the blue. We found solace in each other. We found friendship. We laughed together, we spoke about life, psychology, philosophy and God. After 8 months emailing every day while at work, I ended it because I did not want to think in a sinful way anymore. Although our emails were ‘friendly’ I guess we both knew there was an underlying game beneath them… and the reason we stopped communicating is because I asked him what was really happening between us. He answered honestly… we both realised that we had fallen in love and we were both afraid of this.
I feel lost now and empty… I know I’ve done the right thing and that if we continued communicating it would have led to physical contact and would also have brought a lot of heartbreak to many people. Doing the right thing is so hard though.
I also wonder if he is working on making his marriage better. I wonder if he is hurting as much as I am… I wonder if he will just continue his life and then start an emotional affair with another woman… and I wonder why I’m wondering. I just know that I am having difficulty in not fantasizing that one day he will turn up in my life not married… and it sickens me that I am thinking like this… such an internal struggle with good and bad thoughts!!!
(USA) I can identify with the lost and empty part, Sophie. My story isn’t really the same as yours but the pain is the same I’m sure. The thing is… God can heal. I can say that now a month past since I ended it; I couldn’t have back then.
I have been married almost seven years, and most of those seven years were painful and filled with my husband and I unwittingly hurting each other. Things deteriorated, but I didn’t realize how much until I met another man. I decided I wanted to volunteer at the local soup kitchen, and he lived there as night watchman. I didn’t notice him much until someone told me that he was interested in me (he didn’t know at the time that I was married).
I fought the attraction, even told my husband about it. It went away for a while, and I thought I was all better. Then one day when I went there to meet a friend, I ended up staying all day to help do work there. He was there half the day then had to leave for awhile. I was done with my work a long time before he was supposed to come back, but I made up excuses to hang around til he came back. By this time he did know I was married, but he had kept flirting with me anyway.
When he came back, I went out to meet him, still lying to myself and saying I was just friends with him. That day he took my hand and held it to look at some cuts, and electricity jumped between us. It shook both of us and we pretended it didn’t happen, but later that night I text him and told him how I felt about him but that I knew it was wrong. He was so pleased to know I cared about him. It wasn’t the result I was looking for and I fell deeper in love with him.
The next day I sent him a text telling him we could not be together, but the next day I went to the kitchen to do some work, and I completely blew it. I threw away everything I had just told him and did everything contrary to what I had just done. By the end of that day we were holding hands and I had given him a backrub. We would go to his room alone together and that’s where everything started. Our affair was all week and the place he was with had a booth there and I had agreed to work there with them.
On Sunday my husband and I and some friends went to the fair. He was there and I took my husband to meet him. My husband knew something was up, but he thought I had dealt with it. The whole time we were at the fair I was miserable. I wanted to be with Les. I didn’t see him then until Tuesday. We worked together the whole week. Once I went back to his room with him. That is when we started hugging. In his arms I felt safe from all the hurt my husband had caused. A lot of touching went on that week. One night I was at the fair with my husband and I left before him.
Just as I left, Les text me and I told him I was leaving. He begged me to come by there and give him a hug. I refused, and then when my husband arrived home just a few minutes after I did, I was so glad I had refused. I would have had some serious explaining to do. The last night we were together before my man found out was when we kissed. He had been teasing me about kissing him and I had been telling him he wasn’t going to get a kiss. He was in his room and I went in there. We sat on the couch and he held my hand, and then somehow next thing I know we are laying side by side on the couch kissing….French kissing. This went on for a few minutes and then he had to go to work. That was the last time we were together.
That night my husband found out about us. I nearly died the first couple of days that I had to be without him. It felt like my heart was being ripped into a million pieces. I wanted to love my husband, but I was still in love with another man. It was the most terrible time in my life. I knew I wasn’t going to leave my man, because it was wrong, but I missed him so much. I wondered if he hurt as much as I did. Since my husband was watching my cell phone closely, I did not text or call him. It was pure torture. I sent him one text saying it was over, and he replied several days later. He has text twice since then, but I haven’t replied, not because I haven’t wanted to, but out of preference for my man.
I know this is the worst thing I have ever gone through. I wish I hadn’t hurt him like that. His life was already bad enough. I think that’s part of why I want to be with him so much. I want to fix his hurts and heal him. Then I realize only God can do that. Isn’t it insane how we have these good men, and we want to leave them for men who probably wouldn’t even treat us good or just want us for sex?
My husband and I went through counseling and now he is the most amazing man, but still I am not in love with him like I used to be. My heart still longs for the one who has nothing and can offer me nothing. The one who doesn’t know all the things about me like my man does. I have a wonderful man who loves me and has forgiven me. A man, who, if I would give him the passion I gave Les, would treat me like a queen forever. So why do I want a man I don’t even know, who doesn’t know me, and who has never even said he loved me; a man who has no house and no car and no job; a man who has nothing to offer me but sex and a few empty words?
Why are we women so determined to have such a needy man? Do we really think we can fix him or be happy with him? Bottom line: we want to give up something that’s good, something we know, for something bad that we want to fix. Giving up something that is so certain and wonderful for something that is so uncertain… that’s just pure insanity. It’s the excitement of the unknown, I think. It’s boredom and an idea that something else might be better and that you can overcome the odds despite of all those who have gone before you. Even though your intellect knows better, your heart wants to fool you.
No matter what the statistics, you think you can overcome them. If you are a Christian, you want to ignore what you know is right or think that it doesn’t apply to you. Even though you know that when you try to be married to someone who doesn’t share your faith, life goes sour, you still want to believe YOU can be the one to make it work; the one to reinvent the wheel.
Then after you have figured out that all that doesn’t work, you lie to yourself and try to think that you and the other man can just be friends. You think that you can see him and be his friend and nothing will happen. Then you are just plain fooling yourself. Our brains work so hard to try and find a way to make this work that we make ourselves exhausted and unhappy. If only we would just put this effort into finding a way to love our wonderful husbands again, we would be a lot better off, and a lot less miserable.
Pray to God that he gives you love for your man again. That he gives you a deep and lasting love. Pray that he replaces the lies with truth so you can see the way again. Then… when you are tempted to hate God for all the pain you are going through, remember He loves you and this wasn’t his plan for you; that you brought it on yourself, but that he is there for you and is holding your hand. He forgives you, but he is letting you go through this pain to make you stronger. If we had no pain for our sin, we might just do it over and over. The pain is making us better people, stronger people.
Hold on; be strong. The pain and hurt will not last forever. One day when you look back, you will see how far you have come and how amazing God was to spare you.
(SA) I haven’t read through all these posts, only some of them, but I can almost relate to every single one that I have read. I had an emotional affair with someone over the internet as well. It lasted 8 months, and many times during this period I tried breaking it off, as I knew it is not in God’s will. But I really felt like I’ve never connected to anyone, not even my husband, like I did with this guy.
I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for years before I started this affair, and then to have had someone who made me so happy for the first time in my life, was an absolute bliss!! But my faith in God has always been the most important thing in my life, and I knew I was living in sin. Even though I felt convicted so many times, I one day couldn’t handle it anymore and moved out of the house and told my husband I wanted a divorce.
My husband had no idea where this was coming from all of a sudden. He knew we were both not giving our best, but a divorce was a total shock for him. At this time I hadn’t told him about the other guy. After the week and phone calls from the pastor and friends and family, I felt so guilty that I phoned my husband, told him about the other guy and asked if we can try again. I once again broke contact with the other guy and my husband and I went for counceling. The NC only lasted a week and we started the affair again. This happened almost 3 times. After another week of no contact with him after I tried breaking it, I just cracked one day.
The previous night I missed him so much and was so unhappy about it all, I wanted to take my own life. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and the following morning I told my husband I don’t know if I can go on this way, and I told him that I wanted to end my life. My husband got so upset that AGAIN I’d been playing with his feelings, backward and forwards, that he told me it’s over and that I should get the divorce papers ready.
I moved out again and this time for a whole month was separated from my husband. I got all the papers ready and during this time I also made contact with the other guy again. During this time of separation I was actually happy! And I thought I am doing the right thing – EVEN though the HOLY SPIRIT still tried convicting me. I knew God hates divorce, but I felt that my husband and I were just hurting each other.
To make a long story short, the day that I was going to hand the papers in, my husband made contact with me and said he missed me – this completely broke my heart and never got to the court. This was on the Wednesday. That Sunday I went to church and ironically the sermon was about “It is never to late” “God will forgive the adulterous” etc. Well, rather God-ordained than ironically.
Things started happening from there and it so happened that I once AGAIN stopped contact with the other man and moved back to my husband. My husband got to know ALL the details regarding my affair and he still decided to forgive me as he loves and wanted me back. Today it has been 3 weeks with NC with the other guy, BUT still every day I cry so much over him, as I miss him SO much and I know that I really do love him, and he loves me.
BUT I am doing the right thing by working on my marriage again, as I know this is what God wants. But it is not easy to forget the other guy, in everything I do, I see his name or something reminds me of him. This week is especially hard for me, as we would have gone away for a week as my divorced would have been finalized by now should I have proceeded with it. I keep on thinking that this week I would been with him and would have been happy instead of sitting here and missing him so much. It is very hard not to contact him again, although I’ve changed my cell phone number and email address, I still have all his details.
Our last conversation was also not a good one, we had quite an argument as both of us were hurt, so this even makes it worse, as I wonder how is doing. BUT I am really trying to stay strong, as I know this is the right thing to do. I am so scared that I would give in to the temptation – but the fact that I would disappoint so many people INCLUDING my SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST, is keeping me from doing it. But I know this week is going to be hardest of all and the test of staying faithful will be most difficult one of my life during this week. Please pray for me!
(USA) Dear Sad, I want to encourage you to stay on the path that you know God would have you (not one you might conjure up in your mind). Yes, you might find a temporary high in doing what you know you shouldn’t. That’s the draw of temptation. But it’s a bottomless pit of wanting more and more that really won’t bring lasting satisfaction or ultimate good for anyone involved — including you.
As I read your comment, the words came to me which are written in the Bible in Romans 7 — particularly those starting in Romans 7:15 going on through Romans 8. It seems to be a struggle that every human being has (in some form or another) — and that is to want what we shouldn’t, and do what we know we shouldn’t, but we want and reach to do it anyway — only to be all the more frustrated afterward.
The struggle to do that which would please God — that which He wants for you, will be painful as you are fighting your sinful nature. But in the end, as you become a conqueror with Jesus Christ, you will eventually experience a peace that passes all human understanding — a true peace and satisfaction.
I pray you get there in your marriage. It appears that you have a good-willed man (who has been a bit clueless in the past as to how to satisfy you — and will probably from time-to-time be there again), but don’t give up. Invest in your marriage. Lean upon the Lord to teach you how to truly love each other with God’s Agape love.
Turn your eyes to the Lord and His plan for your life and to your marriage partner rather than a man who is a temporary fantasy partner with you, but who will ultimately hurt you deeper than you could imagine in the future. Right now your imagination is playing tricks on you — it’s the “smoke and mirrors” illusion game. Once the smoke goes away and you walk away from the distorting mirrors, you will see things clearer.
For now, I encourage you to do what we’re told in 1 Corinthians 10:3-5 — take your thoughts captive and throw them out like virus letters on your computer. Don’t even go there. As you see the “subject” of the virus appearing, immediately delete and keep deleting as many times as it takes, putting good in its place instead as we’re told to do in Philippians 4:8-9. I pray you will.
I pray that some day you will write us at this web site as “Happy” or”Happy in the Lord” or “Peaceful and Contented and Joyous because of Christ”. Fight the good fight! It’s more difficult than any of us can describe, but it’s worth every effort! I’ve been there and have done that battle (in different arenas) and have come out on the other side SO MUCH better for having fought against the enemy of my peace and faith! I pray that for you! May you experience victory!
(SA) Dear Cindy, Thank you so much for your reply and your prayers. I really felt that I found this website for a reason…. at the right time as well. Today is going to be a really hard day for me, today would have been the day that I was supposed to fly up to the OM to spend a week together. Today would have been the day that I would have met him for the first time… as we were only chatting over the internet and he stays in a different town. I am really very depressed today, only got about 4 hours of sleep in last night and it feels like I want to be sick. But I know that I need to stay strong in the Lord today.
It is just so hard, cause for months this guy was a part of my life every day, always there to uplift me and make me laugh. I so badly want to contact him to say I am sorry for how things turned out. But I know any sort of contact now would be a big step back for me, as it has been 3 weeks now. I must be honest with you and say that I don’t even have the strength at the moment to pray. I keep on thinking and wondering if I really did the right thing in decided to break all ties with him and working on my marriage, cause it sure does still hurt so much. From all the posts I do realize that this feeling would eventually pass. If I could choose to not have these feelings at the moment, I would so choose it. And I don’t mean by ignoring the feelings or making as if I don’t exist, cause they do. I mean if I can choose to NOT have these feelings at all, I would, cause the pain is unbearable.
I really do have a great husband who also always just want to do the right thing. He is a very Godly man. And many would wonder why I did then what I did, but I know that although I did do it, it was Satan that got to me. The thing with us was, that we were both in ministry, and my husband even more than I. After knowing that I was living in sin, I stopped most of what I was busy with out of guilt. Problem was that my husband was so busy with activities at church, that we never had time to spend together. This is how I got lonely.
I really want to beg anyone reading this, that might be in the same position, should you or your partner be putting the church / your ministry before your wife, to please relook at things. I’ve learned that GOD is first, then your spouse and the church.
Through some of the posts, I have also seen that some people also don’t have sympathy with what we go through, and I honestly don’t blame them. But unfortunately our feelings are real and we have to learn to deal with it. I thank God for this site, cause if I were not able to express my feelings here with people that are going through the same as me and with people who got through it by the grace of God, I would have given in to the temptation right away and contact the OM.
I’ve also come to learn that, yes I had an emotional affair with someone, and whether I have met the guy or not, it was still an unfair and still wrong in God’s eyes, BUT this sin that I did is and was no different than other sin, how small or big it may be. I wonder a lot what the reason for this all was, i wonder why did I have to find someone who makes me happy and then having to choose to give it up for the sake of doing the right thing, but I know that this is God’s will and I pray that He would bless my marriage by doing this. I sometimes think and hope that I would come out strong after all this and then to be able to testify and help others in the same position. But boy, at the moment I don’t feel strong at all.
And Cindy, you are right about that I should take my thoughts captive, cause yes, he is my mind the whole time, but it is so difficult. I feel like I can just cry the whole day! I can just pray that God would take away this pain and that Satan would stop pestering me with thoughts of making this pain stop by taking my life, cause yes, this is how I feel a lot of times. I know I maybe wouldn’t have the guts to really pull it through the end, but this pain is feeling like it is eating me up.
Thank you for all your prayers… and to all those who would also be praying for me. I also want to ask that people not judge too quickly. Those of us feeling this way KNOW what we did was wrong, and maybe I speak for a lot us when I say that none of us were really looking for it, we unfortunately just fell into Satan’s trap. But we’ve decided to stand up and fight it, but the fight is not always easy.
And yes, maybe it is an addiction, and unfortunately for us, our addiction was to fall in love with someone else other than our husbands. But whether this addiction is this we are experiencing or whether it is anything else, it keeps us from drawing closer to God, and makes no difference. The only difference is that we have to decided to get out of it, and what we go through is withdrawal symptoms like any addiction would have. Rather than to judge us, please pray for us, that we would continue to stay strong and continue to seeking God’s will.
(USA) Hi Sad, O boy I know what you are feeling being in emotional affair is so hard, trust me been there done that. I also went back to my husband; he also went back to his wife. Doesn’t mean we can forget that quickly, for me he will always be a part me because the past is not erasable. It’s what makes us who we are today. He will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. I also pray to God to helps us all. We never get up in the morning and say we are going to have an affair. It just happens, now we have to deal with it. I do want my marriage to work because I do love my husband. He is a good man. I will pray for you and all others that are facing affairs. Hope you are okay. Write back and let us know. Take care.
(USA) Having read many of the posts, it’s so sad. Woman to woman, have you ever thought for a second, how the wife felt when you were sleeping with her husband, instead of correcting your problems with yours? Selfish is not a strong enough word for your behavior. You’re grown women, who have little self respect for God’s law, and your duty to God. Shame on you all.
I have no sympathy or remorse for a woman who has a husband. So many out there have no one to love, and here you have a husband, and you are putting another female, like you in pain. Shame, Shame. Now you are seeking someone to tell you it’s okay and hold your hand. Who was holding the wife’s hand, while you were sleeping with her husband? How do you think she felt?
Karma comes back around. Now you are feeling what you caused her to feel. You are truly evil, and you will not go unpunished, as God is the judge. He has plainly told all of us what is right, and what he requires. Mistakes, we all make, true, certain ones, that really are over the top. This is a prime example of over the top… shame, shame, shame on you. You should fall on your knees, beg forgiveness, and stay away from such evil sins.
(USA) Hi Sad, Luke 15:7 “In the same way there is more joy in Heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away”
I have never commited adultery but I get angry, I have sinful thoughts, gossip and do many other things listed together with adultery in the Bible. Who am I to judge a child of God like you? John 8:7 “… let one who has never sinned throw the first stone”. So the same way you shut your mind to evil thoughts, should be the same way you ignore discouragements from people who continue to judge you.
Pour your thoughts and worries to God in prayer. He hears prayers and has forgiven you because you are remorseful. That’s all that matters, what God thinks about you. But the spiritual battle between what you want do and what your flesh wants is far from over. So align your actions with God’s word and what you are praying for. Train your body to do what it should do (Romans 6:12-13, 16) (I Corinthians 9:27).
Now remember, what you think of, most of the time, is what will come out of you (Matthew 7:18). The evil things that appear pleasant now will sting you in the future as you have already learnt. So do not entertain adulterous thoughts or “what might have been”. The devil is treacherous and would do whatever it takes to make you fall back into sin.
One other thing, if you fight well against your thought process, the devil will not tempt you again in that area, but may come back in the form of your boyfriend wanting to take you back again (that’s a big one isn’t it). So watch out for that.
Think about these verses (Cindy has already pointed a wider range for you): Romans 8:5-8 “Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws and it never will. That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.”
(S. AFRICA) To all the cheating, lying and sinful men and women out there. Have you ANY idea what it feels like to have the spouse you love in the arms of another? Even worse in bed together. HAVE YOU ANY IDEA??? To be tossed aside like a dirty rag after years and years of marriage? To have all your dreams of a loving and secure future in threads? To see the hurt in your childrens eyes?
Yes you may say your marriage had problems, but YOU chose to go OUTSIDE of your marriages looking for trouble. If that same amount of energy, that went into your affairs, was spent resolving problems inside your marriages you would not be in the position you are now in. Sorry, but I am a wife that has been abandoned after 35 years of love and dedication. Your pain is SELF INFLICTED. I have to be honest; I feel little pity for you all.
Can things be made right – YES- with God’s help all things are possible. So I say REPENT before it is too late and your spouse does not want you anymore. You have been deceived by Satan with promises of a better life. You are breaking up your families (the basis of life) and this is Satan’s prime objective. Surely the end is very near.
(SA) Hi Lo, Thank you so much for your comment and prayers. Thing is, everything that is being said to me to encourage me, is things that I know and have always known. Now it is for me to put it into practice and stand by my decision. But is so hard. Like I said, yesterday, I knew, would have been a very hard day for me, and I was tempted so much to contact the OM again. But I stayed strong and somehow I knew that somebody was praying for me. I felt it.
Later the evening, I got a sms from a special lady friend and she basically said that she has been thinking and praying for me the whole day and that she actually wanted to sms me earlier, but just didn’t get to it. And she also gave me a scripture. She doesn’t even know the whole story, so praise to God for using people to intervene for me in prayer. Although this kinda lifted my spirit, my hubby and I had a little fall out just after this.
Thing is, when I am so completely down and depressed, I automatically withdraw and get distant. I try not to and I really thought I really tried my best in not showing how down I was yesterday, but obviously I didn’t get it right. This just made me feel like I wonder if things are ever going to come out right between myself and my husband. It feels like I am just hurting him now more and more. And I sometimes wonder if a divorce wouldn’t have been for the best. I feel like my mind is telling me to stay and do the right thing, but that my heart is not in yet. I really do hope this is going to change, as I feel I am destroying so many people. Thanks for all your support! It really means a lot.
(USA) Dear Sad- I know exactly how you feel! I also wanted to do the right thing, but had little motivation to do so other than that I knew it was the right thing. Then my husband would feel hurt because I wasn’t giving him my all. It was a terrible vicious cycle. The one thing to remember is that if you keep doing the right thing, it will become easier. It wouln’t hurt like this forever.
The hardest time for me is when my husband and I are fighting; that’s when I most want to go back to the other man. Stand firm and remember… Jesus loves you and longs to be your best friend.
Go get some counselling too. I can honestly say that saved our marriage. Go to http://www.caringfortheheart.com and call them for a counsellor in your area. This is an amazing kind of couselling that can help you both recover. Another thing I have learned is that divorce would never be as glamorous as Satan wants me to think. He wants me to think that if I were just free of the man I have that all would be well. When in reality, it would just be the beginning of bondage. It may be hard for awhile, but God wants us to learn to trust Him in that time. I hold you up in my prayers. Remember God is holding you.