You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) I need help!! I am so sad and I know I deserve all of these bad feelings because of the horrible things I have done but I still need help. I have been involved with someone else for almost two years. I am trying so hard not to text him. He has not text me for nine days, which is a long time. We usually talk every couple of days. I have not seen him in three months. I know it is the right thing to do but it hurts so bad. We did not have a discussion to end things but I feel like it’s over and it should be. I am usually the one who stops calling but this time he has stopped and I wonder why. Is he trying to do the right thing or has he moved on to someone else? Did he get bored with me? I’m just sad.
(USA) Hello My dear brothers & sisters on this page. Most of you sound so defeated by sin and are willing to say how much they miss the other person they are commiting adultery with. This is wrong. Do you realise the consequences of giving in to worldly pleasures? Do you seriously believe that one day you will be answerable for your actions? If you did, would you still be entertaining thoughts of sin and the pleasure of writing them down? One word to you all is fear God and the punishment you will face for continuing to nurture these bad relationships.
Better for me to be honest with you and get your life saved than to flatter you and strengthen your belief that “its so hard”. Worse still, you go about looking for people in the same sinful circumstances who convince you even more that “its so hard”. Save your eternal lives my brothers and sisters. Be scared because of the sins you are commiting. You won’t get away with it.
This is the help you need:
1. Quit watching those TV programs that glorify adultery. They captivate your mind and make you wanna go back.
2. Get rid of the things that remind you of the other person. Matthew 18:7-9
3. Pray for forgiveness and show by your actions that you regret your sins.
4. Read the prophecies for they remind you that judgement day is guaranteed.
Verses to read:
Romans 1:18-32
Romans 2:5-9
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Galatians 6:7-9
(USA) As one who went through an affair, I hope I can help with my story. I had an affiar with a high school sweetheart – my first love. Back then when we broke up, it traumatized me for a long time. 28 years later, I reconnected with her and everything came back.
I am married for 18 years with 2 wonderful daughters. My wife found out about the affair, but I was pretty far gone. However, I knew this was wrong and we decided to break it off.
At first, it was like my world was ending. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn’t know how I was going to make it. But we kept NO contact. It was helpful that she also didn’t try to contact me. Afterward, I was fully convicted of what I had done. I am COMPLETELY over her. It was a fantasy. It took a little while. I read that it takes about as long as the affair lasted to get over it.
Also, love for my wife and back fully and more than I ever knew. God got my attention. If I had continued in this, I was going to hell – to continue in a adulterous relationship without repentance is a sure ticket there, no matter how good you think your intentions are with this other person. It’s selfish behavior and attitude.
Here’s another warning – today I went to court as my divorce is nearly finalized. My wife separated from me a year ago and not only am I missing her every day, I now see my kids on a very limited basis. How I regret each and every day what my actions have caused! Each and every day.
I am alone, lonely, devastated and my future is uncertain. I am very much in love with my wife and I miss my kids dearly. The price I’ve paid is unbearable. I am heavy with regret. The only solace I have is the limited time I have with my daughters. I have also turned to God in a more real way but this is going to take alot of time for me to heal from this one. I pray for hope just to keep going each day.
My point is, count the costs. It’s hard to see the costs when you’re caught up in this kind of thing. At some point the high ends and you’re left with reality. Don’t forget the eternal consequences either. It’s hard to fathom those right now either.
(UK) As the injured party in an affair my wife is having with a dispicable but controlling guy who obviously told my wife he loved her, but really only loves himself, I say that people in your position are the most selfish in the world. The pain you feel is tiny in comparison to the devastation you place at the doors of your partners, family and children. You have the gall to talk about addiction and being ‘in love’ with these people who have as much integrity as a dog. Where are your morals? Where is your concern for the people you love? All these statements I read above are me, me me.
How can you trust these partners when you are all betraying those that you love and making them suffer more, even after this game is discovered? And yes, it is a game. A game with other peoples lives. You are despicable people, Whores and slappers and dogs. You can change your ways, but the damage you have done to yourselves is the only thing you seem to think about. Selfish, selfish people.
If you don’t stop, think about your loved ones and ask for forgiveness, spend the rest of your lives trying to put right the damage you have done, you should all rot in hell, because you will. Hell is the guilt of your own making which you will take with you to your death bed.
The answer is in your hands. Don’t expoect your injured partners to move one inch in your direction; they did not chose to be where they are, you did. If you are good people, and we all make mistakes, make amends.
(USA) I have been happily married to my husband for 37 years. He has been the only man that I have ever loved and been with, other than a neighbor that lives around the block from me and that I would see all time walking his dog, but no attraction at all. Until we started to ride our bikes together as friends, we started an emotional affair. We became best friends and started to confide in each other. What started so innocently turned into us wanting to spend every moment with each other.
We knew as Christians that we were heading into trouble but did nothing to stop it. We would also e-mail each everyday all the time, but I had to go to N.Y. to visit my daughters and they somehow knew, and they put into action to set me up, by going into my history. A day before my husband and I left to go home they showed my husband the e-mails, which were pretty intense putting it mildly. And my and his world came crashing down. His wife also find out because my daughter called her and spilled the beans.
Having to end this affair has been the hardest we have both had to do. Our spouses have forgiven us, but it’s so hard knowing he lives so close. I do still e-mail him as friends basically just once a week and tell him about my week, and he also responds back the same. I know he feels guilty doing this, because he said it’s still cheating even if the e-mails are clean.
I just want to know, how do I get him out of my head? We are both grateful that our spouses have taken us back and we both love them. I just really didn’t know that this was going to be so hard on both of us. I do want to move forward, but I always want to know how he is doing. I really miss the friendship more than anything else. I know that he will always be in my heart.
Has anyone out there has had an emotional affair and how did they end it? Do you both still keep in touch on a freindly basis? He will always be my best friend. I just miss him so much. Thanks for listening.
(USA) Miriam, I have been married for 15+ years, and had an affair for 18 months. The affair was revealed this past summer. I was then separated from my wife and family for 6 months. Wife even filed for divorce, and we started proceedings. I had broken things off with the woman I had been seeing, though I love her deeply and think about her often (she is married and has children and is still living with her husband who knows of the affair).
Now my wife and I are trying to put our marriage back together. I know this is the right thing to do. I do love my wife, though I too am having an incredibly hard time just thinking of the other woman I love. I miss her. Hope this goes away with time. Feels a bit like self-inflicted torture right now.
I am interested to see what response you get here. I could use some advice too. I wonder all the time what my lover is doing. Though I have not been in touch at all for quite awhile. Doing the right thing is often difficult.
(USA) Hi Hd Smile, I so know how you are feeling; my heart is broken. I know we did the right thing, but I also wonder if anything ever happens to our spouses, God forbid. I would search for him in a heart beat. I have never felt like this before, but I do love my husband; he is a very good man. I know I have hurt him, but he has forgiven me. I do still e-mail my friend once a week but don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
He is feeling guilty because he said it’s still cheating. But he told me he will always keep the account open in case anything happens. It’s so hard I do try not to think of him but there is always something there to remind me of him. You need to download this song by Barry Manilow called, “Even Now” (you won’t believe the lyrics). When you do listen, please reply back. In the mean time know that someone else is feeling what you are. Here is a quote, “Just for today, I will live through this only, I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems all at once.”
(USA) Boy, the self-delusion here is really something else.
1. Yes, the guy loves the mistress. He also loves the wife. He’s also weak and a coward, and when the wife threatens to dump him, he’s terrified and will say and do anything to make it stop. He also thinks the mistress is a jolly enough friend that he can tell her anything, including whatever lies he’s telling both himself and his wife in order to stop her from dumping him into the miserable life of the bachelor pad and every-other-weekend and large chunks of change gone missing from the paycheck.
2. Oh, addiction, please. It’s a romance. If you want to pathologize every great love as an addiction, you go right ahead, but I’ll stick with romance.
3. Often the other woman has no desire to see the cheating guy leave the marriage — because then he might come to her! And that’d ruin everything. She’d have to take care of him, she’d have to have everyday life with him, and frankly she’d get the blame when he was full of remorse because moving in with her turned out not to be paradise, seeing as how they’re both real people and all.
4. It’s unlikely the other woman wishes you ill. Your husband, not she, is damaging your marriage.
5. Finally, before you go barking about solidarity and sisterhood — when’s the last time you routinely offered to help a single mother or a woman taking care of a disabled spouse? I mean help in a serious, meaningful way? You mopped her floor lately? Cooked a dinner over there? Taken the kids so she can get a desperately-needed nap or massage? I’m guessing you want solidarity when someone else denies herself for you — not the other way around.
(USA) I am so glad I found this website! I cheated on my wife after 20 years of faithfulness. We were not communicating and she (admits this now) had spent those years basically punishing me for other issues she was carrying around. I now realize that I was not mature enough either to have made the the difference. That no matter what were both players in that drama.
Anyway, I met someone and gradually what started out as a dalliance so became a full blown affair. I became convinced that I was in love with this individual as we clicked remarkably in the sex area. But soon I began to see that we had little else in common when we were not having sex, and as she demanded more non-sex time I pulled back more. But, I won’t blame it on her Even though we agreed to a bunch of ground rules, they mean nothing where emotions are. We both told each other little stories and played a game to get what we wanted out of the relationship, except when we reached the point where two people in a committed relationship might have decided that some work needed to be done we could do nothing. We were not in a committed relationship. We were in a lie.
With time I saw that my wife had realized what happened to our marriage and as she became more understanding and more caring I found that what I was doing was wrong. How could I trust a lover who had cheated on her own boyfriend to be with me and how could she ever trust a married man who had cheated on his wife? We could never make a truth out of a lie no matter how much we tried. Those doubts would always be there. A lie is a lie.
I totally hear people who talk about how they are drawn into these relationships and later find that they cannot get out. I hear the story about that “are you ok” text and understand it completely. It is like an addiction for both parties. And I understand both sides. People find each other through ways we cannot understand and make connections that are sometimes impossible to understand. I am not against divorce. Some people are simply incompatible. But an affair is probably the worst way to try to solve the problem, it can destroy everyone involved. Better to pack a bag and walk away and rebuild your life than to start this affair. Many of these websites promising affairs are truly evil because they are playing on pain. The marketing portrays it as if it is just a safety valve. I fell prey to one of these and I’ve heard the stories. People on pain trying to find a salve. But it is just a trap.
I’ve ended my affair because I could no longer cope with the emotional ripping of my soul that was happening and the guilt of not only lying to someone I had committed my life to, but also the pain and suffering I saw my ex-lover experiencing.
But those of you that are struggling with the idea that you were hurt… look inside yourselves first. Not to the other. When that pain comes really consider what you were doing. Look at the absurdity and wrongness of it. Really step back out of it as if you were observing someone else and look at all the players and the network of people in your life and you will see that you are in a delusion and you might even find that you are embarrassed and ashamed for feeling that hurt when you see the devastation that these lies could potentially cause or have already caused. Once you see clearly you will feel as if a vail was lifted from your eyes. The only way to stop an affair is finally to stop and recognize it for what it is- a fantasy, a delusion, a hopeless exercise that will only destroy you and the ones you love.
(U.K.) Hie ladies, I am glad I have found people who can relate to what I am going through. I am a married woman and I had an affair 8 years ago after my husband cheated on me and neglected our marriage. After my husband discovered my affair and I ended it, we agreed to work on our marriage. I committed myself to my marriage and stopped seeing the other guy. However, my husband has not be fully committed to our marriage. I have caught him with at least 5 other women since my affair and every time he tells me that he is frustrated with my affair.
I have felt guilty about my affair and the damage I caused to my marriage but if the truth be told I only strayed because of my husband. I know he was hurt by my affair but I now think he is using that as justification for his several affairs he has had after he discovered my affair.
I am no longer happy in my marriage because my husband moves from one affair to another and I have became paranoid. I have tried to leave him because of his affairs but every time he tells me that I am not being fair because when he discovered my affair he did not leave me. I know deep down that he will not stop cheating on me but I also feel I contributed to the problem. I need advice on how to deal with my marriage because I don’t know what to do anymore.
(US) Finding this site has been helpful. It seems most comments are from women. I am a 43 year old single male who had an affair with a married co-worker for 9 years. When we met, she was having marital problems. She initiated our first meeting but I ultimately cast most of the blame on myself for my misery. We became the best of friends and so much more. I felt that I met my soul mate.
At one point, during our 9 years together, she left him with her three children because she told me she was unhappy. She denied to me at the time, it was because of me. She moved back within a few months due to the hardships of single motherhood and because her kids were hurting. I never asked her to leave nor promised her anything at that point. She later told me she had hoped that we would have been together and that is why she left him. I was both excited and anxious when she moved out and somewhat hurt when she moved back. This was in the 6th year of our affair. I was so busy with my life at the time, I wasn’t even sure I wanted any type of commitment, but I knew that I cared for this woman more than I had ever for anyone in my life.
Over the next two years, I fell in love with her. I lived with guilt because of the secretiveness of our affair and in my heart I knew it was wrong but ignored it. She told me she did not love her husband. We took alot of work trips together, spoke daily at work, and spent an evening together every other weekend and many evenings together after work. 6 months ago, she told me she had to stop this because she could not deal with the emotional toll it was taking on her. Until that point, I never thought about where things were headed. It was my emotional escape from having to deal with reality.
The breakup was the hardest thing I had experienced. Ultimately, I asked her to marry me. She considered it and told me she could not break up her family or hurt her kids. Heartbroken, I told her I understood and that we should go our separate ways. She wanted to stay friends and I could not imagine not having her in my life in some form.
Then things started to change. She seemed happy in her marriage. They were going places that I introduced her to. While I should have been happy for her, I was very hurt. I told her to not contact me and let me go. She tried. On my birthday after several months of no contact, she emailed me saying she missed me, was confused about her marriage and wanted to see me. Stupidly, I agreed as it brought back some momentary happiness for me. I again asked her to marry me. She said she needed time and couldn’t promise me anything but wanted me back in her life. Initially, I agreed.
Yesterday, I asked her to never contact me again. All this was just getting me very depressed and preventing me from pursuing healthy relationships. It all seems so simple when you look at it from the outside. Its tough right now, but hopefully I can stay the course. Thanks for all the comments left by others-it gives me hope and encouragement.
(UK) I have had a three week courtship with a married man. I am also married. I only kissed him passionately as I saw intercourse as the total end of my marriage, whether he left his wife or not! The addiction and adrenaline has been overwhelming. I see this man as a threat to my whole family and a spiritual death to me. I have cut off all communication and I feel serious gut wrenching withdrawal symptoms. I am shocked at my own out of control desires and cannot believe the chemical brain rushes and longing. I am strong and will protect my family with all the fight it will take. I’m sorry I shared such intimacy and I hope you all find strength. I am reading positive posts to get me through this initial period of withdrawal. I know these feelings are not real. Meditate using the words, I love my husband, I am faithful, I love my children.
(EAST AFRICA) I hope all the men and women out there cheating on their spouses would wake up and realize how much pain and anguish the betrayed spouse feels. It’s not worth it at all…
(USA) Grace, Some of them do not care how much pain it is. In my situation the pain was great enough that I understand that being cheated on can cause physical illness. I would have rather been shot, non-fatally once a year than to endure the pain from being cheated on and lied to.
(USA) I would agree with Daddy L, having been betrayed as well by my now ex-wife. Read the thread. Look at how many who’ve cheated on their spouse are going on and on about how tough it is for them. How it hurts to leave their love, blah blah blah.
What you don’t read from those same folks, most of the time, is how they’ve hurt their spouse, what hurt they’ve inflicted upon their family. Nope, one seldom reads about that. It’s all about how hard it is for them to cope with the loss of their lover.
There is little hope for most of these folks to look outside themselves and see the hurt they’ve caused. Their betrayed spouses, likely are looking at what they might have done to lead their unfaithful spouse to go outside the marriage, but the ones who cheat seldom look at the damage they’ve caused.
The fact that such a thread as this even exists demonstrates the selfish nature of those who choose to have their needs met by an affair. I’m not saying that values cannot change, they can. But it just seems that it will be an unmet expectation to expect that wayward spouses will ever tell their betrayed spouse they are sorry.
Dr Willard Harley says that one should NOT expect a wayward wife to ever say she is sorry for choosing an affair or leaving. It seldom happens and he’s dealt with thousands of cases like this.
It rings true in my case. My ex-wife, who had an affair and got the divorce she wanted to this day has never apologized, never gone back on her assertion that her affair was the right thing to do, and that I shouldn’t have been hurt by her choice to divorce and seek to take our child with her while she boinks a married man who is not her husband.
So while scripture tells us we should confess and repent of our sin, most folks don’t confess to their spouses and complain about how hard it is to repent.
(USA) Tony, Was this married man of any relation to you? Did she succeed in breaking up the other family?
(USA) He was from several states away and traveled to our area. I spoke to his wife a couple of times before the divorce was final, but after that, I don’t know how their marriage turned out.
I know she no longer sees him. It was years ago, and I don’t keep tabs on her. We don’t talk, seldom see each other, and even then she is uncommunicative. I don’t ask because frankly, I don’t want to know.
(PHILS) I have been married for more than twenty years now. My husband had cheated countless times… I’m feed up. Everytime I feel down, I would resort to enrolling myself in further studies. The assignments given to us by our professors are my unstressors against my husbands infidelities. I revenge by giving myself something worthy for myself. Now, I’m about to graduate from my doctoral degree. Well, I guess, I’m now ready to leave my husband for good. I may lose him but I gained more…
(UNITED KINGDOM) I had been happily married for 17 years with three lovely children. My husband and I loved each other immensely and had a healthy loving relationship. My husband never ever looked at other women and always told me I was beautiful. So when my husband confessed to being in a relationship with another woman, although the relationship had finished and though intimate to an extent, there had been no sexual intercourse. (He had been trying to help this woman with her problems and they had become too close.) I was devastated because I knew who the woman was and considered her a friend. My husband was very remorseful and could not believe what he had done. He was racked with guilt and begged my forgiveness. Eventually after a lot of time, praying and talking I was able to forgive my husband because I still loved him. That was around 4 years ago.
Two days ago my husband has once again confessed, this time to a proper affair (again getting too close to someone when trying to help her with her problems!) Again, it was with someone I would class as a friend and her husband his friend!
To say I am devastated does not even come close to describing how I feel. He is again racked with guilt and says it was just a sex thing. He cannot believe he has done it again and thinks he has an addicition problem. I thought he was going to have a breakdown because he was in such a state at what he had done. He wants to go for counseling and is desperate to stay with me and the kids because he loves us so much. He says he feels such a failure and has thought about suicide because he thinks we would all be better off without him. I cannot think. How do I move on?
(CANADA) I was in an affair for almost 2 years. I am married and he is married The only decent thing I have done was end it. Where is our self respect that we allow ourselves to get to this low and actually take something that doesn’t belong to us? They were never ours and they never will leave their wives for us and why would they? We are cheaters with no morals or self respect. For a women it is so much more than sex and for a man it is mostly just sex and feeding their egos. When I think back to the way I acted and reacted I am disgusted. There is never a good reason to have an affair – if you’re unhappy in your marriage, leave it, but don’t ruin someone else’s marriage and try justifying it.
What made me end it was a text he sent that just hit me that wow, my place is nowhere in this. I shouldn’t be anywhere in this and I have NO right to this man at all. It hit me like a ton of bricks hitting someone. They DO NOT belong to us and NEVER will – all we were was sex and boosting their egos because they are not men they are little boys behaving like children and we allowed it and encouraged it. Shame on us.
(NIG) Hi ladies, I really do not blame those of you who cheated on your husbands at one time or the other. I was once in a state of dilemma, but by God’s grace I overcame.
Within the first year of our marriage my “angelic” husband had gotten involved in two different affairs. As fresh as our marriage was I couldn’t understand what pushed him into the adultery, lies and deception. It was tough for me as a young wife but God saw me though. Off course, I found it difficult to trust my husband again and there was this intense pressure to cheat back.
As a young and pretty lady, men still make passes at me so getting a man wasn’t an issue. I even renewed contacts and started having lunch/dinners. But once or twice I got into bed with any of them, I ended up crying and running out as I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with another man.
I began praying to God amidst tears and sleepless nights to help me overcome the hurt I was passing through and heal our marriage. It took a while but God answered. Today I can boldly say I have become a matured Christian woman.