You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Where do I begin…what do I say… First, I KNOW, that God has led me to this site. Second, satan is very mad that I found it! I am trying so hard to find the words to say…trying to think, how do I make my story short. And, satan keeps telling me, “Oh, just log off…you’ll be ok…you can do this on your own. You don’t need to ask people that don’t even know you, to be praying for you!” So, I have logged off several times. But, I keep logging back on. So, here’s my story…
I am 40 years old, Will be married for 22 years this coming April, and we have two beautiful kids, a son 10 & and a daughter 3. More importantly, I am a sinner saved by grace. I am a mature Christian, which is to say, I KNOW BETTER!
I love my husband dearly. He IS the best man I know. He loves the Lord, and strives to please Him. He is sensitive to my needs, he is always making me laugh, and he is the best daddy to our kids that a momma could ever ask for. I still desire him sexually. In my eyes, he is the most attractive man that I have ever met. We not only love each other, but we really LIKE each other.
So, here’s the sickening truth. I am having an affair. Ugh… Just typing that out brings hot bitter tears to my eyes, and makes me nausea. I NEVER in a MILLION YEARS would have ever thought that I would be doing this. The theory, that a spouse cheats because they are not getting what they need at home, IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. I have always believed that theory, but my situation has totally blown it to pieces. I can’t speak for all cases, but surely, I can’t be the only spouse that has strayed for no reason at all. No reason except, that I was weak in the area of how good it feels when someone compliments you, and how good it feels to have an effect on someone else just by simply entering the room. That is a very powerful feeling. Believe it or not, it is addictive.
It’s been going on for 6 months now. I should say off and on. I have TRIED four times to stop the affair to no avail. We have “been together” two times. I want/need/MUST end it. But, when they say that an affair is addictive, they are right! Sin in itself is pleasurable to the flesh, or no one would ever sin. But, sin always brings death…no matter what.
The “death” for me, has been my walk with the Lord. And, that has been devastating to me. I have always been close to the Lord. My goal in life, no matter my situation, has always been to handle it so that I could be pleasing in His sight. So, knowing that I am hurting Him has been horrific for me. The ONLY thing I have been able to pray about these past 6 months, is for help and strength to stop this stupid affair. I haven’t been able to pray for my kids when they were sick along with many other things. How can I?! Some days, I wake up and feel like I have all the strength in the world to overcome this sin, but then the next day I wake up, and feel so defeated. So then, the roller coast starts back up.
Another “death” for me, would be if my husband found out. I would rather die (literally) than him find out. He DOES NOT deserve that kind of hurt. And, trust me, I have asked God on several occassions to take my life so that this would all end. Sometimes, it truly feels like “that” is the only way it will stop. However, greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Right? It’s because of God and my husband that I MUST stop this madness!!
Before I allowed myself to fall into this temptation, I always felt like the “other woman” was just a homewrecker, that didn’t care about anyone, but herself. Well, obviously, I have a whole new perspective on things. I am not saying that some women aren’t like that. But, from experience now, I can say, that that’s not always the case.
The “details” about how the affair started and such, well, I don’t reckon that is very important. Bottom line, I found, that I had a weakness I never knew I had. When an attractive man “boldly” showed me attention…it was irresistible. I was SHOCKED and DISGUSTED at how I found it arousing. He’s married as well. Does he have a good marriage? Your guess is as good as mine. I mean, I know what he tells me, but… well, who really knows? I do know, that neither one of us has ever asked the other to leave their spouse. The opposite actually. I have ALWAYS made it very clear to him, that I don’t know why I am doing what I am doing, because I truly love my husband. And, if he’s told me once, he’s told me a 100 times, “Michelle, just because you have fun with me, and enjoy my company, that doesn’t take anything away from your husband.” And, let me tell you what, if you listening to a lie long enough, it starts to become the truth.
Here’s the reason for my post… I need prayer!!!! PLEASE! Please pray that God will help me break this hold that I have allowed to be put on me. I take full responsibility. I know that satan can cause situations…he is real, and his goal is to destroy Christian homes. But, he cannot MAKE me do ANYTHING. I have a will. I made the wrong choice, and now I need God’s help to get me out. I have been trying to do this all by myself for obvious reasons, but when I found this site… well, I thought… Wow, now I can ask for someone to pray with me!
Also, I want to talk to the betrayed spouses. Every situation is different, I understand that. But, not every spouse that cheats, is unhappy at home or not not in love with you anymore. It just means that they are human and as such, weak. Like Paul said, “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. Romans 7:15.
Though converted for about twenty years when he wrote Romans, Paul comments in verse 17 that sin sufficiently strong enough to pull him in the wrong direction still remained in him. In verse 18, he leaves no doubt that sin was still in him. In verse 19, he admits to occasional sin, and in verse 20, he again states that sin still existed in him, and in verse 21, that evil was present with him. In verse 23, he says that a war raged within him between the law of sin and the law of his mind, and he mentions these two again in verse 25.
The evil that lived in him was the remnant of what he had absorbed of Satan’s world before his conversion on the road to Damascus. The law of his mind was his new heart from God that he desired so strongly to rule his life. The war was between the remnant of Satan’s world and his new heart. Galatians 5:16-17 confirms this last thought:
I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. Read more on this matter at: http://www.bibletools.org
Botton line, satan would love to see Christian homes end in divorce. But, he will be satisfied with unhappy Christian homes just as much. Let us not let him have the victory! Please pray, that I can deny myself, and take up my cross, DAILY! Thank you!! Sincerely, Crushed and Broken… michelle
(USA) OK, show us you really want to end the affair and not just give it lip service.
Step 1: Tell your husband. Confess the affair to him. That will take you 99.9% of the way towards ending the affair. Once it’s in the open, you are far less likely to continue down that path knowing that you would have to go back and continue to confess if you return to the affair.
Step 2: Do everything necessary to avoid contact with the other man. Do not buy the lie that you need closure. You don’t. You’ll survive both emotionally and physically if you never see him, talk to him or exchange e-mails, texts, whatever. If that means leaving your job, getting new phone numbers and e-mail addresses, then do it. After all, you’ve just said you want to end the affair. So here are two steps that will not only end the affair, but put you on the path to recovery.
Is recovery certain? Of course not. Your husband may take the get out of marriage with no condemnation card you’ve handed him and leave.
Or you may grow an even more powerful marriage.
But as long as the affair remains a secret, even if you never see the other man again, you are still betraying your husband because he does not know the truth.
You may need to have someone there when you confess such as your pastor, especially if you think you will be in physical danger. However, there are NO VALID excuses for not planning to confess at your first possible opportunity.
Likewise, there are no valid excuses for breaking contact with the OM immediately. If you need an accountability partner, engage a Godly woman in your church to be both your accountability partner and your mentor to hold you accountable and to check on you to make sure that you’ve confessed the affair to your husband, confess any additional contacts or even your thoughts about the other man, as well as checking your phone and e-mail to make sure you are not in contact with him and are engaged in a path of personal and marital recovery.
So stop saying how hard it is, we know it’s hard. The steps are simple. They may not be easy, but they are pretty simple.
Either you want to or not. Like that wise biblical scholar Yoda said, there is no try, you either do or don’t do.
So what are you going to do?
(USA) Michelle, I do admire you for admitting all that is in your heart. I will pray that the Lord can help you with all that you are dealing with. But… having been where your husband is now, I can tell you, if he is like me, and he finds out about this, the results will be catastrophic for him. You saying all this stuff about loving him and being in a good marriage will be analyzed. Is she trying to hurt me even more by saying all of this stuff? It just sounds like justification for your actions. How can she say that she feels as I do, yet her actions are so different?
When I found out, I lost over 50 pounds, didn’t sleep for days on end, couldn’t sleep without thinking about it in my sleep, had stomach problems, and lost my ability to truly trust anyone. It literally changed my whole life. It seems like you know that revealing this would do the same to him. But I think that your desire to do this outweighs your concern for his and your kid’s well being. Otherwise, you would not do it.
I know that people say, “It isn’t about my spouse.” But a man and woman joined together are one flesh, so it is all about your spouse. I can’t commend you for trying to save your marriage, while at the same time destroying it. The betrayal of adultery is so serious that our Saviour says it can be a deal breaker for a Christian marriage. It doesn’t have to be, and we are still together and happy over a year after the fact. I recognize the pain that you feel regarding this. But it will pale in comparision to the pain that it inflicts on the person you claim to love. You are choosing it. He is not. In Christ,
(USA) Charles, thank you. When I made my post, I expected women to reply to me with rebuke and disgust. I was ready for it. I didn’t care. I just knew that God had led me to this site, and if that’s what I needed to hear to “penetrate” my heart to bring about a CHANGE in me, then that’s what I wanted. It never crossed my mind, that I would hear from a betrayed husband. God ALWAYS KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED.
I read your reply Sunday morning before church. Obviously, it broke me. Then, the sermon that morning was titled, “Repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.” God loves me, and that is such a good feeling. He loves me even in my ugliest state.
I have waited to reply to you, because I wanted to make sure the change was for real. You know? Four other times, I have tried to turn from this sin, but failed. However, I could tell that Sunday, IT WAS DIFFERENT. PRAISE GOD!!!
I had been praying for two weeks that God would convict me in such a way that the conviction would be stronger than the desire for the sin. I have had conviction this entire time, but the pull of the sin has always been stronger. Which is my fault…not the Holy Spirits. Many times, I would ignore the conviction all together. But, I just became so sick of it. I wanted MY life back… God had tried to get my attention through random people. One person, that I haven’t had any contact with in 20 plus years, sent me that song “Lord Move or Move Me” via facebook one day. It “pricked” my heart and caused me to refrain for one sorry pathetic day. Then, another person, via facebook, sent me a message saying that they felt that God wanted them to tell me to STAY TRUE TO MYSELF. Wow, again…it “pricked” my heart, but didn’t “penetrate” it.
Sunday, I confessed my sin to my Savior, and REPENTED from it. For the FIRST TIME…I felt truly free. I could tell it was different. Monday, he texted me, and that is when I told him, I was done. It was a very short conversation. I haven’t talked to him since. And, more importantly…I have NO DESIRE to. {{HUGE SIGH}}
I want to let you know, that you telling me in detail what your wifes betrayal did to you is what “penetrated” my heart. I have always known that my husband would be crushed, but until I read your testimony, it was far fetched. If that makes any sense. It was like I couldn’t really grasp what it would do to him. You made it REAL for me. And, that is when my concern for him, and my kids started to far outweigh the desire.
Now, I am dealing with the guilt. I knew it would come once I turned from the sin. As it is written in Psalms 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a BROKEN SPIRIT: a BROKEN and a CONTRITE HEART, O God, thou wilt not despise.” But, I refuse to allow satan to bog me down with guilt so badly, that I am no good for my Savior’s work. I will lay my sin down before Jesus’s feet, ask Him for forgiveness, and I will stand back up, knowing, that I have been forgiven. I will continue to let Him use me for His glory. I will not allow satan to destroy me with this.
Charles, I do have a question for you. If your wife could have overcome her sin without you finding out, would you have rather never had known about it? I am sure you know what I am asking. Sunday, I prayed about this, and asked the Lord to give me something in His Word. I am not big on just opening the Bible and letting it fall open to wherever to get a word, but I did…and…to my astonishment, it fell to Psalm 51. The tears started flowing (AGAIN).
I TRULY feel this is behind me. I have never gone more than one day with ABSOLUTLY NO DESIRE to contact him. So, I cringe to think that I have to tell my husband what I have done, and crush him, possibly destroy our marriage, and our happy home when I feel it is OVER. You know? I feel, that, if I had strayed because something was wrong with our marriage, then I would need to confess, so that we could get things worked out. But, I promise…that is not the case. I was only temped by this other man, because of my own selfish desires. It was intoxicating to me by the way I made this man feel. Women are not the only ones that can seduce. This man knew all the right things to say. I was with him ONLY because of the way I felt when I heard or saw the effect I had on him. It WAS NOT because of the effect he had on me. I really didn’t even find him that attractive. I was so surprised by this whole thing. I found a lot out about myself. I have been humbled, to say the least.
I am SO THANKFUL to God that you and your wife are still together, and HAPPY. One of the things I thought about Sunday when I read your reply was how God can take a horrible situation, and still turn it around for good. I am sure, without a doubt, you would have rathered to never have gone through this. But, in doing so, and not letting satan get the victory, you have saved my life, my marriage, and my kid’s life. I am eternally grateful to you. Thank you for allowing God to use your experience to help me. OH, WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT GOD’S GRACE AND MERCY!!!! THANK YOU, JESUS!!! Still crushed and broken, but on the mend, Michelle
(USA) Friend, Thank Him, not me. I have prayed for you this week. The Lord can truly do miracles in our lives when we allow Him to work. I DO understand what you are asking. I have a simple answer, but not an easy one. How’s that? I don’t think that I would want to be told if my wife had ended it and repented, but I don’t know if I could have made the changes that I made in my life and with my marriage without having gone through that. I know it wasn’t God’s plan, but He sure used it for good.
My wife was led to Psalm 38 and 32 when she began dealing with this. I don’t know if you should tell him or not. I do KNOW that the Lord can guide you and walk through this with you. If you seek His will and guidance about this, He will show you His will, and the best course of action for you to take. I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but I know that the Lord can work miracles if we only trust Him. I am not meaning in the abstract.
I was able to accept some things that I would never have imagined accepting, and do some things that I would have sworn that I would never do to stay in my marriage. This was possible only through the power of the Holy Spirit. It would be easy to have good Christian friends and sites like this to tell you what to do. But no one can tell you for sure what you should do. But you do have THE COUNSELOR who can provide the answers for you. In Christ, Charles
(USA) My ex-wife had an affair. Of course she lied about it when I asked. So I went through the same things that Charles did. I also thought about just ending my own life.
You know what brought relief? Finding out the truth, that she was indeed having an affair. It would have been better if she had been 100% open and honest with me, but she wasn’t. She got the divorce she wanted and I got the relief from living with someone who would lie to me and betray me.
I believe it would be better if you told your husband before he gets a chance to find out from others. That way, you demonstrate that you are willing to be honest with him. If you continue to hide the affair, then you are continuing to deceive your husband, and essentially still in a wayward mindset.
Furthermore, this is information he has a right to know. He deserves to know what his spouse has done and is doing. It’s unloving and disrespectful to keep this sort of information from him. Allowing him to continue to live with the illusion that you are faithful to him is a form of emotional abuse called gas-lighting.
The only way to end the abuse and pave the way for a better marriage is to be 100% open and honest with your husband.
It’s great that you’ve confessed to God, now confess to your husband and complete the good word that was begun in you. Don’t allow that work to come to a halt by resisting the call to confess to your spouse.
(USA) Charles, thank you again for your reply. I appreciate, and agree 100% with your advice. I ask that you and your wife continue to pray for me, if that would be ok. I will keep you posted on my “recovery” if you would like…for me, when I am praying for someone, I like to hear how things are going.
Again, ETERNALLY GRATEFUL! Michelle
Tony, I am sorry that your situation didn’t turn out better. I thank you, as well, for your replies. I have read and re-read them as I have done Charles’s. I am listening to everything you have to say. And, I “hear” what you are saying. To be completely honest with you, I am not sure what I am going to do about telling my husband or not… I ended the affair this past Sunday. I keep waiting to feel better, but the one thing I keep thinking, is…”the truth will set you free”. However, I know that everything (including telling my husband) must be in God’s timing.
My husband was unfaithful to me in our 3rd year of marriage. I didn’t find out about it until our 17th year of marriage. The reason I say God’s timing… if I had found out about it any sooner, we probably would have divorced. But, God had prepared my heart to hear the news. I, of course, was devasted, but not destroyed. I kissed him, grabbed my Bible and drove to the park. God met me at the park. When I left that park, I was resolved to not let my husband’s unfaithfulness hurt us. By this time, we now had a 5 year old son and a good marriage. I was determined to forgive him and never bring it up again.
Three days after he told me about the affair… which was only because I started having dreams that wouldn’t stop, I talked to him one day, telling him that I felt God was trying to tell me that something was between us. I asked him if anything had ever happened…he confessed. But, anyway, like I was saying… three days after, John (my husband) wrote me this little note saying, “Sweetheart, thank you for loving me and forgiving me. I feel so much better today, and feel like I have been delivered. I feel this is a new beginning.”
Now, please, do not misunderstand… I am not in ANY WAY patting myself on the back. I am just trying to explain that EVERYTHING must be in God’s timing. God knew, that I was ready emotionally and spiritually to receive such news. Therefore, I feel my husband did the right thing by waiting 14 years before telling me.
I will (obviously) continue to pray about this. The Lord WILL let me know what to do. I am confident of that. I hate to even bring this up because it makes me sick (literally), but… about my husband finding out from someone else, that is highly unlikely. Only the OM and I know about it, and he would lose EVERYTHING if his wife found out… he will not let that happen. Ugh…hate even talking about that. :(
I am still very much broken and having to rely on the Lord’s mercy and grace minute by minute…claiming Lam. 3:22-23, “It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new EVERY MORNING: great is thy faithfulness.”
Thank you again for your replies and concern. I can’t wait to meet you and Charles on the “other side”! Michelle
(USA) I had a hunch that there was more to your story. Each situation is different, and it seems the Lord would have us handle them differently. What you did was black/white. You should not have done it, and you know that now. But… it seems to me that dealing with the aftermath and healing from it has a lot of gray area. Each situation is different.
I have thought more about what you asked, and I think finding out about it years later after the fact would be easier. It’s like getting the whole book and knowing how it ends instead of jumping in in the middle. Sites like this are great in telling you how to break all contact, avoid meetings when possible, put up hedges, avoid and resist temptation. All of this should be done, of course. But this site cannot reveal to you God’s will for your specific situation.
All of my friends, family, and my counselor said that I should divorce my wife. I was ready to move on as well. My pastor even threw up his hands and said, “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. You do have Biblical grounds for divorce.” But the Spirit was telling me to give it one more try. My friends and family meant well, as they were tired of seeing my pain.
A good friend gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever gotten. “You are playing to an audience of One. If you do what the Lord wants you to do, no matter what EVERYONE else says, you can never go wrong.” I hope that you continue to seek the Lord’s will. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? I could not have done it without the power of the Holy Spirit. Charles
(USA) Thank the Lord for your good friend! I know, that the Lord permits divorce when there is adultery. However, I also know, that God HATES divorce, and wants us to be forgiving, as He is. I personally feel, that if the betrayal has happened only once, even if it was for an extended period of time…meaning, with just one person, and the spouse has stopped the affair and is remorseful, then we should forgive.
I believe the best time for divorce is when the spouse continues having affairs, with different people…habitual…over and over again. But, when we remember, that we are ALL humans, and that we are not perfect, and that people (including) our spouses are going to hurt us and let us down, then we can start to forgive a little easier. It’s much deeper than that, but trying to make it short this time. ;-)
I appreciate your comments on “the question I had for you”. I totally agree. I know, that God WILL show me when it is time.
Please continue to pray for me… THANK YOU!
Michelle
(U.S.A.) I am guilty. I had an emotional affair that led to physical affair and it is the stupidest and most selfish thing I have ever done in my life. There is not a single day that passes that I don’t think about what I did and regret it. The guilt consumes me sometimes, Which is fair because I deserve that.
I was going through the worst time in my marriage even though that’s not an excuse. My childhood love whom I’ve always had a connection with, and I started talking again, and it went from EA to PA.During that time, I’d asked my husband to go to counselling with me but he refused. He was barely speaking to me, and I mean, literally for days/weeks at the time. I would literally cry myself asleep.
Then reenters my childhood friend. I should have cut off all contact with him when I got married, but I didn’t.For the sheer fact I always had feelings for him. Shoulda, woulda, coulda but didn’t. Again, I do not blame anyone for what I did. I did it because I wanted to. There is no excuse for it. I am 100% responsible. He made me feel loved, desired, wanted, happy, like a woman.
I’d go home and my husband would be brooding. So I’d leave his house (childhood friend) crying on my way to my house. The way it shook out was this –I ended up moving out of my home. My husband and I will be divorced very soon (he filed). Later he would confess to me that he had also cheated.
I was shell-shocked at his admission though I should not have been since we were not even married 9 to 10 months before he started looking on the internet for sex with multiple women. I still stayed with him though.
Things hit a fever pitch, I cheated and left and we tried to reconcile but it just didn’t take. I wish we could have another go. I believe my husband is still involved with the person he cheated with though he denies it. Just my instinct/gut.
Still, I will never ever ever forgive myself for cheating. I wish I could say I never had feelings for the OM but that would be a lie. I did. It was wrong and just a nasty thing to do, despite everything.
My advice for people here cheating is to not do it. It’s so not worth it. Also don’t say You can’t stop it, because you can. Where there is a will, there is a way.
(USA) Well, this is a tough one… My wife and I have separated twice now, the current one so far has lasted 10 months. She stated very early in the separation that I should not wait for her, I don’t know if I am coming back, do what you need for yourself. Our separations were not due to any affairs.
2 months into the separation I started a friendship with a woman who was recently divorced. I looked for answers to why my marriage was on the rocks again. This woman and I became good friends and soon became lovers. She was able to give me emotional support that was lacking from my wife. I would see her on weekends that the children were not with me because I wanted to protect them.
Well, as soon as the wife found out, all of a sudden she wanted me back in her life. I have been asked to cut ties to the other woman, and this is difficult because, do I risk the chance my wife will leave again? The other woman has been very supportive, compassionate and loving, so why would anyone give that up?
I am in love with two women, one that has given me 20 years and one that wants to be with me for the next. I am in marriage counseling with my wife, who states she isn’t sure what she wants. I always considered myself loyal, and I only acted on the fact that my wife stated, she didn’t know if she was coming back. I do take responsibility in my part no doubt; I wish my wife would take hers. I have broken the affair off several times, but always went back to her because of the feelings I have for her. Am I wrong in my ways or am I just following a new path that perhaps God is showing me. I just dont know!!!
(USA) I was involved with a married man. He was years older than me. He told me his wife was not giving him enough sex. So, I was the sex on the side. I knew that from the beginning and I wanted the sex myself. He is a very good man. He works and takes care of his family. I knew I was on the back burner but at the time I did not care. I just liked the attention since I was not getting any. He showered me with attention, etc., but also told me he loved his wife and had no intentions of leaving her. When she became suspicious and found messages, he denied them. I knew I was wrong in doing this and I asked the Lord to forgive me and am still in the process of asking for his forgivenesses.
I do not want to be the cause of his marriage to break up. I am praying that their marriage will grow stronger and the Lord will forgive him and myself. I am also praying that the wife sees she has a good man and needs to take care of him. I do miss him but I realize he is not mine and he will never be mine. But I pray for them every day and for myself.
(USA) So, 5 years ago my husband had an affair with a co-worker. He is an executive that travels a lot. To make a long story short, I busted him via a verbally pornographic email. I gave him another chance. It has been a tough 5 years. We almost split in the fall but told each other we had to either trust and respect each other or go our separate ways. So…..I gave it my all and tried to forget the past.
We have two children, 6 yrs and 7 yrs. My husband snoops in my facebook account and email when I go away for a couple of days. I have nothing to hide but he thinks that I do. Well, my sister said that usually when they are looking for something they are the one’s that are hiding something.
A couple weeks ago I took this to heart and looked in his email. I found an email back and forth from the girl from 5 years ago. It was in his sent box. He usually deletes his emails…etc. Oooops, guess he forgot that one. The email was in the form of “read between the lines” but even the fact it is her, is making me wonder if he ever quit his behavior with other women. I am approaching him on this soon but not sure what to do….
(ENGLAND) I have been married for twenty three years. I loved my husband dearly we had a really good relationship in every department, or so I thought. He always gave me the impression he valued the same ideals as myself until one night, quite by accident, I found a naked picture of one of my friends on his phone. He begged for forgiveness and pleaded that it was a huge misguided mistake, accusing my friend of doing all the running. This was a huge discovery for me because we had a rock soild marriage, or so I thought.
I went on to find out about numerous affairs he had had over the years with admin staff from his place of work. I even found out two of these girls had actually compared notes and fought over him. I sat with these women at work functions, wrote them cards at Christmas etc. All of them knew about me and all were quite happy to laugh at me behind my back, even his work collegues and bosses.
I know my husband is hugely at fault, but the other women need to know how this feels, when you have always loved and adored the man you married, to find he has abused you in the most horrendous fashion. He dropped all these women the moment I found out and begged and pleaded for forgiveness, to the point of being ridiculous. His philandering and the women that have allowed themselves to be used to satisfy his egotistical fantasies, you destroy people’s lives totally.
I struggle just to exist on a daily basis, he was my world and now he repulses me to the point of actually wanting to throw up when he comes near me. You do so much damage for so little. I am not strong enough to walk away but I beg him everyday to leave and set up home with someone new. He torments the life out of me but I am trapped by my former existence. I seek solitude in one room in my house. Why do people marry if they want to do this sort of thing? I don’t understand!!
(AFRICA) Hi everyone here, I have been reading a lot of posts here from everyone around the world. I myself, was married at age of 19 years and I thought that all my troubles with my parents were over especially my mum, who we had never been close. God, I wanted a life of my own and literally would run away from home all the time, until I met him my now husband while i was staying at my aunt’s who never had never completely accepted me in her house in the first place.
I got married on the year 2003 and by 04, August we had a baby girl. Years went by and after 4 yrs I met a man who swept me off my feet. We courted for 8 months. At that time I was 22 years and I had fallen so madly, crazily and deeply. I could not have imagined to myself that I was capable of loving that greatly. I thought I did love my hubby and I could never betray him but guys trust me, I did betray my hubby completely. I got sexually involved with my lover and it felt so right and real that I was willing to leave my hubby for him, until i realized that my lover was already betrothed to a certain lady.
Goodness, I was hurt but I was so so deeply in love and already pregnant. I got so scared and I told my hubby the truth and the whole truth without lies. At ths time my hubby was working far away from home and he managed to come home only twice a month or even once. With him being a kind-hearted and a very loving man he accepted the baby and forgave me.
Real story now, I did not stop loving my lover and no, I was not able to stop the affair nor was my lover. He loved me and conviced me to have his baby but I got weak and depressed, causing me to have a miscarriage at 3rd month. The affair grew stronger and I totally withdrew from my hubby and my lover withdrew from his fiance. People were hurt believe me, but we did not stop at all. The fiance threatened to commit suicide but we did not care. I loved this man. I felt weak inside all the time without him. All ths time, my husband never left me. He would pay my rent, fuel the car he had bought me, and loved me as he had vowed to before God and people.
Things got so crazy until the mother of my lover threatened to curse us (me and my lover) and kill herself too. That is when my lover left me to marry his so very desperate fiance, who we had hurt beyond what mere worlds can describe. Now at the time my lover decided to break us up, I had no idea I was already pregnant again, about 1 wk. I got lost; I wished to die. I couldn’t breathe and I locked myself up for 2 weeks crying myself to no end and with no food. My lover got crazy and sick too and kept on coming back to me all the time, loving me and telling me it was not his fault in breaking us up. I told I was paged and told me to keep it, but under what circumstances honestly, because I was still married and had my daughter too.
Since I had already stopped being intimate with my hubby, I had to go for an HIV test and I tested negative. I forced myself to have sex with my husband in tears so as to make him think the baby was his. After 2 months I told him my hubby that I was pregnant and he was very happy about the news. He started treating me like a queen but in all this I still was in love with my lover and having sex occasionally with him.
I was blessed with a very handsome baby boy weigh 5 kgs, nine months after. To ths day my hubby loves my son with all his heart and might. My lover too loves him very much and my boy looks like him completely. My heart still ls confused for the love I feel for ths man. We are still very close and we talk daily and meet a lot. My husband has loved my kids and me through all this. He is a rich man who can afford anything under the sun unlike my lover.
My lover’s wife hates me and my son so much, and she has a son also, who is my son’s half brother. I love the boy very much. I wish I could be given the chance to raise him too. How do I let go of this man when we share a baby? How can I love my husband again and stay faithful to him? How can I even make things right when the betrayal is too much? How can I turn back the hands of time and be faithful to only 1 man who has given me a beautiful love and life? How do I feel sexually connected to my husband again? What will become of my life when the truth comes out?
I have only known these two men in my life and I wish to be guided by genuine people, not to be harshly advised. What is love for if it brings forth, some painful experiences, is it not supposed to be beautifully experienced? I wish I was never born and I live to this day for only my kids. May you all be blessed. Know that it’s only yesterday we know of, not tommorrow or the future. For if we knew that then so many mistakes and regrets would never happen.
(USA) Dear Esther, What saddens me is that someday, you will wake up, after your husband, who has extended to you lavish grace beyond human reason, finally says, “enough is enough… no more… I am done with you and this so-called marriage!” And it will be too late to change his mind. At that point he will be locked tight into going forward with his life without you. And no matter what you do, you won’t be able to change his mind, or the fate of your marriage.
Steve and I have seen this happen over and over and over again, and it is devastating! If only you could see the emails we get in private, and those who personally talk to us about this. It’s heart-breaking!
Spouses don’t realize the good they have buried beneath the surface of their lives together –the good, which is waiting and wanting, which they can embrace to build a GREAT marriage together. Instead they either sleep their way through all the warning signs or go outside of the relationship onto a sinful, menacing, tempting path, and suffocate and/and destroy the good they once could have had.
I cry for you on so many levels and pray for you, and also for your children. You have so many losses ahead that you are facing unless you wake up and let go of the fantasy you and this other man are perpetuating. EVEN IF this is true love, which I have my doubts… it appears to be more of a bio-chemical and also a “forbidden fruit” thing going on for you, you are not his to have and he is not yours. You both made vows to someone else, in the presence of God.
I encourage you with all that I can, that you pay attention to the community of people on this blog that realize the addictiveness to the affair partner that they are struggling to break free from. Do what you can to grab onto integrity and work to let go of each other. You each have spouses and children and others involved. This is not just your lives that are involved here. Whether you ever could have had “love” lived out and fulfilled in a pure way, at some point in your lives isn’t relevant. What is, is. You are married. No one held guns to your heads to make the vows you did. If we aren’t able to count on each other’s promises, what is there, when human beings are involved? Again, you two aren’t alone in this. You now have spouses, and children and others who love you who are dragged into this affair.
Your children are loved by you and your husband. His child is loved by his wife and him. If you have mercy on no one else, I hope you will do this, thinking of the permanent problems they will endure if you don’t break off this affair.
Please do what you can to break free before your fate is sealed and you cannot go back into your marriage. Perhaps some of the men and women on this blog can encourage and help you to break free from the affair you have been stoking and perpetuating.
Yes, I understand depression and the hopelessness one can feel when the one they love (or “love”) is no longer a part of their life. I’ve been there BIG time. But just as with any addictive draw that you will have to break free from, it CAN be done. Many (including myself) have done so before you.
The people on this blog are doing so inch by inch. Work within this community (& other healthy places) for strength. I especially hope you will reach out to God for HIS strength. It’s amazing all He can do for you and give you as you look to Him.
(AFRICA) Cindy, I greet in the name of Jesus Christ. I send you my heartfelt thanks. I am trying to let go of this man with all my strength. At times I have felt so much towards him coz have I spent more than 5 yrs of my life with him. He is not worth it and I don’t love him like before. Illusions are what maybe held me close to him and all the stupid sex life he gave me.
Cindy, I was young when I met ths man, only 21yrs. I got married at 19 yrs as I had stated but now I am 27 yrs and with 2 kids to care for. I just wish I never met him coz the affair made me lose a lot and also my intimate connection with my husband. To be sincere, I can’t ever wish for my parents to find out or my inlaws coz here in Africa I am gonna be banished from my family and hes forever. I’ll be seen dirty and cursed. I can’t wish for that to happen to me.
God has covered for me so many of my sins. I have cried to God and I know in my heart that all this shall pass too, coz nothing lasts forever in ths life. There is no true love that is found in this affair, all there is, is mere confusion and addiction coz that is what I have experienced from all this. I can never judge anybody who has fallen into sin coz we all are sinners and what we can do is to pray for one another and wait patiently to see our merciful God answer our prayers and deliver us from the sin and evil.
All I wish is to erase this dark patch from my life and work on my marriage with my ever loving hubby. Cindy, let me ask you a question. Do you think age matters in marriage coz me n my hubby have an age difference of 14 yrs. I’d also want to ask if all can be forgiven. Thank you and may the love of God dwell on you all the time. Stay blessed.
(USA) Jambo, Esther, May you be blessed! I’ve been considering and praying about what to write in reply to your comment addressing me. I usually try to stay back from commenting very much in this forum unless directed, praying instead that God will raise up a community of people to minister to each other for His name’s sake. But I feel led to write to you and address your questions, as you have posed them. First let me tell you that Steve and I are not counselors; we’re marriage educators. What I write to you is something I’ve prayed about but I encourage you to do the same, because I’m sure not “all-knowing,” just prayerful.
Esther, you certainly married young, and yes, 14 years difference is a large age gap. But it is not impossible to build a good marriage with those factors involved, now that you are married. If you were considering marrying at this point and those were the facts, I may have had you look deeper. But even so, from the little you have written about your husband, it sounds like you have a good one. And lets face it, you ARE married. It is what is is. You build upon what is, not what may have been otherwise. If you look at something as lacking, and you concentrate on differences, they grow larger. It’s what you focus on and invest your time and energy into and water and nurture, that grows.
Too many people are spending too much time looking in rear-view mirrors and looking through fantasy windows, investing their energies there, instead of looking at what they have in front of them that could be grown into a blessing in some way. We serve a God who is a redeemer. Even in the bad, He can bring good. A scripture that I’ve claimed as my life verse, because it speaks so much to me, is found in Philippians 4:8. It says, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable –if anything is excellent or praiseworthy –think about such things.” In other words, don’t concentrate on the garbage, look for the good that God is or can bring and join Him in that mission.
It goes on to say, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me –put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” It’s telling us to look at the world in which we live and look for the good that God is doing and/or wants to do and join Him in it. Instead of looking at the bad in a person or a situation, look for the good and join God in bringing it out. Philippians 2 is a great guide in looking “not only to your own interests, but also the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…” (and then describes His servant heart and actions).
Why do I say this? Esther, I don’t know much about your background, and I really don’t have to know. What I can surmise from what you’ve written is that you were hurt while growing up (whether unjustly, or not) and you appeared to be looking for security and love and an escape from your earlier home life. You found your husband and the stability and love he extended and you grabbed onto it and married young. But eventually, stability, to a person who has an aching hole in their heart, does not appear to be enough. They then grab for excitement (& often it’s in the wrong places). When this other man came along, you were ripe for the picking. What he brought, fit that ache, for a long season.
But, if you haven’t already discovered it yet (sadly, you will), the shine wears off of that kind of “love” filler, eventually. You have been following a highly traveled path, looking for love in the wrong places. What I perceive is, that you already have the true love and joy available to you, right in front of you. It’s about looking for the good where you are and bringing that out, as God leads and inspires. You have a husband and two children that appear to be right there waiting for your attention to be turned in their direction.
As I was praying for you and reading my Bible, over and over again the word kept coming to me, “mercy” — extend mercy. Verse after verse brought this out. And then Psalm 31 and Psalm 32 seemed to minister. In Psalm 31:22, it says, “In my alarm I said, ‘I am cut off from your sight. Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help. Love the Lord, all his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” What I saw in this for you is Jesus reaching out His hand, extending it to you in mercy and saying, “I hear your cry for mercy… be strong, walk away from that which is sin, and become a woman of faithfulness.” In doing so, He will show you love such as you have never known or could know otherwise.
Esther, I’m not saying this will be easy. I’m thinking it most likely won’t be. The enemy of our faith is battling for you. You have entertained him for a long time and allowed strongholds to be built in your thoughts, memories, actions and lifestyle. It will take a lot of effort to tear all of that down and keep tossing away the resistance forces that will pursue you. But the Bible says we are to “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God…” We are to “take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). This is not impossible to do… it’s difficult, but not impossible. It will be like throwing out garbage –garbage that will want to keep piling up in your thoughts again and again. And what do you do with garbage? You either live with it and allow it to junk up your life, or you throw it out. And you keep throwing it out. Be tenacious and persevere. It will be worth the relief and peace you will experience in the end.
Plus, you need to find something to replace the empty place you cleaned out with something good. Find a mission — something the Lord shows you to do that will fill that empty void. Maybe it will be finding ways to bless your family, friends, community, church, church family, memorize scripture so you stand stronger or whatever He shows you to do. It might be that and more or that and nothing else. Look for ways to bless and you will be blessed as well. I’ve seen it work over and over again. Play with your kids, play with your husband, work for them, love them, find ways to enjoy each other. I’m not sure what it is. Look to the Lord to show you. He loves you and will help you to fill the void with Himself and others, as well.
I don’t know if this makes sense to you. But even if it doesn’t, I encourage you to pray about it. Seek God’s mercy and His love and He will guide you out of this mess. I hope you will. I sincerely pray God will bless you as you look to Him, Esther.
(AFRICA) Oh Cindy, you have touched my very heart again and have done it in a very beautiful and blessed way. I thought you were marriage counsellors; you do a wonderful work. Thank you so much. As I had stated earlier my husband is a good and a very caring man. He loves my kids to bits and also me. I have never lacked anything in my life ever since I met him. He married me after 3 wks of courtship. We were both pure from any sexual activity. I was naive and did not know much of anything about living with a man. I did not think that once one enters into marriage there is any way out since it involves a lot of people and also kids and so many other ties.
All this about the affair happened from nowhere and believe me, sin is sweet and confusing. The other day my lover called me and told that he is missing me so much that he can’t function. My blood boiled and my heart raced. I felt weak and since I was driving from work and my hubby is currently in the UK, I thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to meet him for a cup of African Tea. So I arranged an evening date with him and we met. When I saw him, I started crying coz I know that under no circumstances we could ever be together, no matter how we try.
I stood up, hugged and told him that this has been wrong from the first day we laid eyes on each other, that I can’t help him break and hurt his family and visa versa. There is just so much one can let evil rule over them and it must stop when you realize the damage and hurt it causes. I cried myself home and could not even eat dinner. I was shaking and my temperature got so high that I puked.
Cindy, I am struggling with this. I know I am going to come out of it strong. It is not impossible at all. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through this kind of destruction and pain. My husband knows of the affair. He tells me to take one day at time. He paid for counseling for me when we were abroad and it helped a lot. But I could not stop having strong feelings for this other man. That is what amazes me most, as well as the hurting.
Anyway, I’m so happy coz I am not intimately involved with my lover anymore since last year …I loved him so very much to share him with his wife. An affair, especially where there are strong feelings involved, is not easy to end. But it does get better day after day. Things between me and my hubby are getting better. We cook together, play and also take our kids and pets for walks. But our sex life really suffered a major blow. But I thank God, for recovery is taking place little by little and we talk over the phone all the time when he is away from home.
I pray God answers my prayers and changes me completely. I want to serve the community as I have always dreamed of. So many kids in my country have never worn a shoe. I want to give them the chance of knowing the comfort of owning 1 or 2 pairs of shoes. I am collecting them from all over, used or new shoes, and then I take them to the kids back in the village and that makes me feel so complete. I will also start giving out sanitary towels to the gals also. I get donations from churches and my place of work too, and when my hubby travels he brings some too. This has kept me busy and also focused so that I don’t get obsessive thoughts of my lover like before.
Cindy, I can never, ever have any other and if not my hubby, then I am gonna serve God, His people and my kids and relatives. You are welcome from Africa. Thank you for your kindness. You are surely blessed for what you do to everyone who needs a lot of help, like me. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers and thank for writing back. God bless you so much.
(USA) This is going to sound crazy but reading everyone’s comment has been a comfort. I too started a relationship with a married man. He was having marriage problems at the time. He then decided to try to work things out with his wife. I stepped back but we still remained friends. We both agreed that we have a connection, like a soulmate kind of thing but because he was married nothing more happened.
I pursued a relationship with another man and we eventually got married. Shortly after, my “soulmate” started to have problems again and told me he wished that I hadn’t gotten married. We started an affair again. He eventually separated from his wife but now here I am married. I love my husband but I loved “R” first. I know that doesn’t make what we are doing okay but it is the truth. I feel like I’m stuck in some goofy movie.
My “soulmate” and I are in a sort of club which allows us to spend a lot of time together. I think the worst thing is that I don’t even feel guilty about what I have been doing. My husband wasn’t totally truthful with me about some important things when we got married. Had I known what he didn’t tell me, I would not have married him. Also, he talked me into quitting my job of 10 years and going back to school so now I can’t leave unless I quit school and find a full time job.
So here I am with a roommate for a husband. We very rarely have sex anymore, and a best friend who is more like my husband. I’m not really asking for advice because I don’t plan on changing my actions. I just wanted to get all this off my chest. I have a few friends who know about my situation but it feels good to be able to write all this down. I welcome any and all criticisms and comments.
(USA) I believe most people who have affairs are cowards. If things are so bad at home you accept someone else, have the courage and courtesy to end your marriage or at least talk with your spouse BEFORE you have an affair!
I don’t have any sympathy for either person involved in the affair. It is choice they make, not a mistake. Neither party is a victim. The only victims in an affair are the ones not even knowing they’re “playing the game.” The decieved spouse and the children are fully innocent. Even if a marriage is not healthy, there is never a good reason to step outside your marriage.
Find some dignity and strength to face what concerns you. Do not put your family through HELL for your insecurities, weaknesses and selfish desires. And anyone who pursues or continues a relationship with a married person is just as damaged. Again, where’s your sense of dignity, self-respect or moral code? Seriously. There’s no room for you in any relationship but your own. Does no one have any self-control or self-respect?
(USA) My senior year in high school, my youth pastor and I became very close. I started helping him a lot at the church after school, and I can honestly say that my intentions were true and pure. His, however, were not. Over the course of the year, he began calling me beautiful, hugs were in abundance, he gave me a kiss when I turned 18, and he eventually began touching me. By now, I had been swooned and was loving the attention.
It is now almost 8 years later, and it’s still going on. I’ve lost my virginity to him, and I’ve lost a whole lot of self respect and love for myself. My relationship with God has gone through extreme highs and extreme lows during this time. I’ve tried ending things with him tons of times -I can’t even count how many times -but it always ends up that he’ll get mad at me, I’ll miss him, he’ll contact me, and it’ll start all over again. I’m 25 years old, my friends are getting married all around me, and I feel like an Israelite wandering in the desert because of my sins and unfaithfulness.
To make things worse, his wife and I were very best friends. She was like my second mom I gave her Happy “Mommish” Day cards, and we spent tons of time together. She caught wind of our affair last summer (she doesn’t know everything at all, but some), and it has utterly and completely ruined our friendship. But, the affair continues.
I’m so scared of ending things with him. A lot of times, I honestly do feel like he’s one of my only friends -he definitely is my closest. It hurts to continue, but it hurts to stop. I need help.
(USA) You are being used and abused by a man who is a hypocrite -calling himself a “pastor.” Listen to the song “Beautiful” by Mercy Me, and then tell someone in authority what he was done to you-his boss, or whoever. You may not be the ONLY girl he has preyed on! I urge you to gather all the courage you can and “blow the whistle” on this man. The fact that you are afraid tells me that he is abusing you.
Next, run to your nearest trusted “older woman” mentor -and tell her everything. You will need healing, protection, and prayer. I pray that God will grant you the strength to “break free”!
I agree, this man is an abuser (they are usually very self-centered). You need to tell the pastor of the church about it. I know you think you will hurt him, but your very souls are at stake. This is NOT your fault. Stand up and be a woman, not a victim. You need to get counseling and find out why you are so vulnerable in this situation, so you can have a healthy marriage in the future. I know you can do it! God bless you!
(USA) Reading these boards is given me the strength to stop my 3 year affair. He has become my life now, it has gotten out of control, so unhealthy. I am trying to turn to these boards and God to ask for strength on how to approach the situation. To talk to him, and tell him its over, NC. I need to do this, I cried all last night even thinking about my best friend leaving my life. But it is the only right good pure thing to do. I Hate lying. It is eating me alive, I have no insides anymore. I need to heal and then dote on my husband for the rest of his life. He deserves more. Please god help me have the courage to cut of the relationship like a machete chopping off an arm, or some bamboo- I am awful at proverbs. Lol.