You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Rebecca, That is a victory worth sharing. I am so proud of you! Thank you for sharing and keeping me in your prayers. I am beginning to feel stronger.
Today marks three weeks since last we were intimate. I do continue to wrestle with my feelings, but I am not quite as dominated by thoughts of him. Yesterday,
was such a challenge! We were all alone in the workplace for the last hour. I ignored him… he teased me… and made me laugh just as we were leaving. We hugged in the parking lot very briefly, but that’s it. Total separation would be much easier. I still have those feelings for him. With Christ by my side and the
kind, supportive words and prayers from all you… I can do this… we can do this.
Rebecca, (and all of you), please keep us posted on your progress (or failure). I draw such encouragement and empathy. I am so thankful to be able to unload my
burden to you.
(USA) Hi there! This is my first time to post a message on here. I am currently separated from my husband of 20 years. I asked him to leave our home two weeks after I started an affair with my lover. I am in therapy and it has helped a lot but there are times I am still very confused. One part of me feels that I need to try harder and reconcile with my husband but I am still full of anger towards him. See, my husband has been unfaithful also. I had reached the end of my rope with him when I started the affair. He was rarely home and we had no love for each other. We basically just existed together in the same house. There was no love, no affection, no attention. The loneliness was killing me.
I met my boyfriend online and we began a friendship through e-mails over months. We finally IM’ed then began talking on the phone. Within weeks we set up a date to meet. It has been 5 months and my boyfriend does love me very much and wants to be with me. We have so much fun when we are together. I feel that he is my escape from reality. When we are together there are no distractions but deep down I know after time this could/would fade away.
My husband wants to work things out and I feel I cannot walk away from 20 years we have had together without at least trying but I don’t know that I could never trust him… because of the lying he has done also. I talk on the phone with my boyfriend several times a day and our love making is wonderful however, every time I think I need to withdraw from him I get all worked up and don’t know if I am strong enough to do it. I need to make a decision….either try to reconcile with my husband or be with my boyfriend. But trying to figure out what to do has been very tough. I’d appreciate any suggestions or tips. Dee
(USA) Hi everyone. My last post, in scrolling back, I see was May 16. 2 1/2 months ago. I did call that day, and sweet talked him the best I could, and when he said " I care about you" in some stray sentence, I told him to just say it, say it, why is it "care" now??? Just SAY it! And he said, "OK, okay I love you. There it is, I LOVE YOU, I love you!"
That was it. He said he’d call me back, but never did. And I was soooo content with the final I love you. It was honest, and not said to appease me, but I know he didn’t want to say it for HIS own good. His marriage. I never called back, and everyday that I didn’t feel bad, felt soooo good.
Till this last Tuesday. I called him for a simple phone number, and was brief on his voice mail, and asked him to leave the number of a mutual friend that got fired, that only HE would know. I told him just leave the number on my voice mail.
He did, a day later, but said he wished he would’ve reached me at lunch and we could chat and he’d call me back the tomorrow an hour earlier, ( .and even left an approximate time).
WHY WHY WHY did he do that? Do you think he called? That message was left Wed. He didn’t call the next day, and he didnt call Friday!
I SWEAR I didn’t want to talk to him, really, I just wanted that number. I swear. But I should’ve known better. So what did I do? I called him over and over late Friday afternoon, when, in the old days, was ‘too late to call him’ cause he’d be home.
I called and called till he answered. I told him off. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him, but in leaving that message, he gave a date and time he’d call and then didn’t, and that is total disrespect for me as a person, as a human being, and why in the &*^^ did he do that?? I told him, that in hindsight, he showed disrespect by not breaking up with me clearly and concisely, but rather by avoiding my calls, making excuses to not see me, and not returning calls. (For history sake–I changed my number on him 2 times, and told him never to call me, and then cried my way back to him, saying I’m sorry, numerous times.) I used to tell him how he hurts me, and this was before he actually did start avoiding me. I was getting soooo demanding, and crying all the time, and he knew it. (When we physically consummated our relationship, it was a response to a TEN year emotional affair. TEN years!)
Anyways, I told him off, told him that he wanted to look like the good guy and not call it quits, and in doing so, he made me suffer by making me wonder, is he busy? is he breaking up with me? why? did I do something, am I imagining this etc. I told him he made me suffer worse, and now we aren’t even together anymore AND HES STILL DOING IT! He apologized, and said he knows he handled it poorly and was sorry. He was very quiet. I hung up.
Now I know, the anger I held that moment was a powerful passionate link to him, and I didn’t want that, I didn’t! I called him back (he didn’t answer of course, it was "off limits calling time" (we both had these of course)
I was glad he didn’t answer and I left him a message saying:
1. I didn’t want to be mad at him, because that is a link, a connection to him
2. I forgive him. He did handle it poorly, but I guess he did the best he could do under ‘unnatural ‘circumstances , like an affair.
3. I told him I know I didn’t make it easy for him to resist
4. I told him that I was sorry for whatever I did to him, that in turn affected his wife and children, and to forgive me.
5. I told him i had a dream ( i did) and told him the dream which basically said he is a better man for resisting me, and his his love for me, to do the right thing, and deny himself, and to be the husband and father he should be.
6. I told him not to call me, and I also told him, that saying that was for my own good, and I KNOW he hasn’t called me at all, but in MY saying it, makes me KNOW not to secretly expect it someday.
7. I wished him well.
Period. I thought it was over. I’m going to post this and start the conclusion, for fear Ill lose the above post due to computer crash or something. Janina
(USA) In conclusion: Ladies, if you’ve been there, you know. I secretly expected, longed for, desired a response to that message. I said: don’t call me. Yet I wanted a call sooo bad. I wanted a response so bad, I kept my phone by me all night. I took a pain pill to dull my feelings. One didn’t work so I took another. I woke up Saturday still wanting him to call. I waited like a fool, at 8 am, 9 am, and then I told husband I need to go get gas and the morning paper be right back.
I called him . I hung up. I called back and left a strong message saying: Call me back in 15 min please, Id like to know if you got the message and a response would be nice, and I didn’t know I would feel this way.
He called right back, said he got the message. He tried to leave it at that. Silence. Then, knowing I wanted more, he said that I when I hung up on him he felt bad, but in knowing me for ten years thats the thing I do best was always making him feel so good about himself, and I always knew the right things to say, from my heart, and I gave him the best compliment he has ever got in his life…repeated something I said like 7 years ago…I don’t know. Bla bla bla…all I wanted to hear, ladies, is: I LOVE YOU. I wanted to hear that again! It wasn’t coming this time, and I wasn’t gonna ask.
I asked him softly, if he still thought about me and he said of course I do, you know that. (And the thing is, I do know that, but I wanted to hear him say he still loves me and dreams of me and bla bla bla.)
I said, in response: "Do you?" very seductively. Then I said: "Tell me to stop" He said: "Stop" He changed the subject to our fired friend, then said he had to go. I said ok reluctantly, and we hung up.
And now, it seems I’m wrapped up again! I WAS SOOO CONTENT WITH THE FINAL I LOVE YOU! Why didn’t I leave it at that? It was no contact for 6 weeks, and the break up was 3 months. 3 months, the time experts say it takes to break a habit. Even a ten year habit.
Please pray for me. I was doing so good spiritually and know this is an attack. I am in a public Christian position, and know the devil wants to sift me like wheat, and in turn destroy my husband and family. Along with all those we help, and who look to us ….nuff said…. Any responses or words of encouragement would help. Judgments won’t. Thank you.
(US) Janina, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. I’m sorry. You are not alone. No one (besides the people on this blog) knows about my physical affair with my boss, but I asked a close friend for advice to help me be less emotionally involved with him and it has helped and I will share it with you.
My friend suggested that I fast forward my feelings to how relieved I will feel when I do resist him. There have been several times in the last month which I felt the need to be with him physically. At times, the urge was so strong. I didn’t give in. I cannot take most of the credit. Outside circumstances made this an impossibility at times. However, there were several times in which I focused on how strong or proud I will feel later, if I just resist this moment. It has helped.
I am not sure that any of us will ever have "perfect closure". Every time you resist contact with him, it’s a victory for you. It’s a process. Really try and remember how good you will feel if you can just get past the urge. If you do re-establish contact with him, come back to Christ. I have "fallen off the wagon" several times after promising myself I wouldn’t. The shame prevented me from praying at first, but the wonderful encouragement I have found here helped me to turn back to Christ and ask for forgiveness many times. Christ’s compassion and strength has kept me from falling apart. He will do the same for you. I’ll pray for you and please come and write to us whenever you feel the need. Hugs from me to you.
(US) Janina and all, First I want to say that I’m Demi, I am changing to "me". The reason I’m doing that is because our relationship in age difference was the same as Demi and Ashton. So, I want to get rid of that. Also, you guys speak (type) so well…I just speak the way it comes out so forgive my grammar.
Janina… girl…. I and a lot of people are in the same exact situation and have felt the same EXACT way. Believe me. It’s been since Nov. 2, 2007 that I have physically seen my lover. Yes, he txt me on New Years, Valentines, 4th year anniversary, and my B-day in April. Like I mentioned above, I did the unthinkable and called his wife AGAIN and told her to have him to leave me alone. He’s a good liar and made her believe that it was over in 2006. However, I did what you are doing right now. I gave in…all the way!!! Finally…after almost ANOTHER year…I told myself…I don’t want this "part-time" love. I WANT MORE!!! So…with all the power I had inside…I HAD to let go.
I also am on meds (per doc.) and this has helped me. If you would like to know…it’s (lexapro and Welbutrin) low dosages but I feel like it has helped me. I have gained all the weight I lost and feel good about that because I got down to 94lbs and looking very lanky. I too felt/feel the same way you did….wanting HIM to call me…wanting HIM to acknowledge me…but he has not. THANK GOD!!!. Because..I’m telling you now…I feel a little stronger today..(don’t misunderstand me) if he were to knock on my front door right now…I would be weak and give in 100%. (I think). I also am seeing a therapist (i know..I know…) but I like this guy. I have seen 3 other female ones and they all want to talk about my childhood. I HAD A GREAT CHILDHOOD!!!. So…I stumbled across this Dr. and he has made me realize some things. Ok…I’m going to go a little deep. Forgive me LT and others for going into it a bit more….
During our 4 years…I learned that lots of gay men "always" acknowledge him (this is what he told me after experiencing it at a restaurant and said it happens a lot" AND..I have NOTHING against gay/lesbian. I have a cousin that is. So…again..thru these years…one day after the weekend…I asked him what he did and he told me in a giggling voice…I watched "gay porn" with my brother-in-law (who’s gay). I’m like OMG…YUCK. I’m sorry…but no STRAIGHT man is gonna sit and watch gay porn with anyone…not even family. Also, he and his wife went on vacation and he IM’s me from Mexico and told me he was gonna take a picture of a man in a thong for me. RIGHT…I’ve never seen that pic. He has also tried to comment suicide a couple of times and thought about it again during our relationship. I saw the scares on his wrists. He came from a broken home blah blah blah…too much to go into. One more thing….he was fired on January 4th of this year….I thought to myself…"prob. porn". So I confirmed this with one of his good friends and yep…fired for watching porn AT WORK!!. OMG….
OK…with some info for you….my therapist said to me, "if a good friend, family member, etc." said to you, "Hey…I have this GOOD LOOKING DUDE..who is FUN and loves sports like you…and y’all would REALLY hit it off BUT…he’s tried to commit suicide, has gay tendencies, got fired from his job cuz of porn..etc… (I’m like OMG…already shaking my head NO) and he said, would you be interested? I said F&*$ NO!!! So…I think about that ALL the time…ALL the time….cuz again…if he were to knock at my front door…I think I would give in. (i think). A therapist is not for everyone…like i said…I’ve been thru 3 others in the past 3 years and I finally found one that I actually enjoy venting to besides y’all.
So what I’m saying…stick to prayer, find the right therapist AND stay here with us and vent all you want. Among all these women here including Nicole. I truly am sorry for what you’ve been through. Just understand from our standpoint…the things that husbands tell their wives (i wont talk to her again…it’s over..ect…I LOVE YOU and YOU only…etc..) he is also telling us the same thing. So..we fall into it AGAIN…and AGAIN…and by this time…4 years or more have passed. However, I too want to thank you for not throwing us under the bus…cuz we all have emotional feelings and need each other and we know you do too. Janina, hang in there…we are here for you and hope with all of us, we can all get through this together one day at a time.
Hugs to all, ME.
(CANADA) Ok, a year and a half ago I got involved with a married man. We were great friends for about 7 years prior to that and I guess his relationship with his wife was falling apart and we just started connecting even more. We actually took it slow and our friendship grew to head over heels in love with each other. It got to the point where we were spending every waking moments talking in some shape or form. Then a few months ago his wife said she wasn’t sure what he was going through and why he was so distant but if he didn’t start putting his family first then she was going to leave.
So we both found a way to still be together. We found ways around him still being there for his kids but also being there for me. He’s claimed that throughout this he does love her but it’s a different kind of love then he has for me. To him, he loves her because she is the mother of his children and it’s just comfortable and routine and his life is laid out. He loves me because he says I make him feel alive and make him feel like there is still a whole new world out there.
Every once in a while he says to me that he just wants to up and leave and go start his life with me but he loves his children so much that he doesn’t want to leave them. I 100% respect that and would never in a million years ask him to do that or expect him to. I have been happy with the way that things are. Just recently things got a little rocky, lots of fighting, lots of weird moments. Every couple of months we would talk about breaking up and going back to our lives but then he’s never strong enough to do it because he ‘loves me so much and wants me with him always.’
Then out of the blue this week (we had plans one night so I got everything organized and planned some nice stuff) he just flat out never called me. It took him 2 days till he contacted me and all he said was "I’m sorry it’s just done." No explanation, no emotions involved, no nothing. I have no idea what happened and why it happened. He has been so cruel to me over this and as rude as anyone could be. This isn’t him, even though he was a cheater and obviously a liar, he was still an absolutely amazing guy. He had so much love and passion for me and then he just leaves me with a blink of an eye.
I am so confused and any time I try to talk to him he just says "I’m busy I cant talk, I’ll call you later" then when he does call, like 10 hours later he just tells me to stop crying and that one day I will understand. I could understand if our relationship was absolutely horrible and the break up was coming…. but the fact that it was awesome and he just left me cold makes me so confused and gives me so many unanswered questions. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know if this is something I should keep fighting for, or if I should just walk away. The problem that is if I walk away I don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t know what I should do. I am sorry this is so long, but any help would be appreciated so much. Thank you!
(USA) Your story is the same as mine. Something happened we don’t know about and they are scared. Read my posts above and thru May.
(USA) Hi me from Canada, I wanted to answer your first question – is your relationship worth fighting for? Before I answer, I should say I guess I’m a little confused about the question. Are you a Christian or are you aware that this is a Christian website?
Adultery is against God’s laws. See I Corinthians 7. The man you had a relationship with is married – to someone other than you. So, I have to tell you, just according to the Bible, the answer is a resounding – NO, this is not something you should try and continue. I’m not trying to sound harsh or uncaring, but I simply am not sure where you stand on whether or not you even think it is wrong. I could not tell from what you wrote and someone asking whether or not they should try and continue a relationship with a married man makes me think they do not think it is wrong.
If I’ve misunderstood what you’ve written or your question, then I apologize. My answer remains the same, however, adultery is wrong and you should stop the affair, absolutely (and I speak as someone who was married and had an affair with someone else, an unmarried man myself so I know all the feelings involved).
The second part of your dilemma -how to move on is certainly understandable. It’s a long, arduous process whereby you have to detach yourself from the emotions, just like you would if you were a drug addict trying to come off of the addictive properties.
Here is a start (maybe). You say, in the same sentence, the man is a liar and a cheat, but he is amazing. Read that and see what you think about that.
I know God values everyone and certainly has love for those who try to follow his ways. God would not lie to you or cheat on you. Humans might (we all sin) but not God. So, I guess what I’m saying is seek God’s love and try to find comfort in that before seeking it from other humans.
If you do seek comfort from other humans (in your time of recovery or even in life, in general), I’d say seek it from people who have more respect for you (and whom you can look up to, no one can admire a liar and cheat) and also from those of the same gender.
I believe God has a mate out there for you. That person will be revealed, but you have to stop sinning and learn to seek God’s way of life first before His wonderful promises will start to be given to you.
I also agree with Janina – please read the above posts for the last 3 months or so (even though there are many) because they have a lot of information on the healing process of so many other women who have been through and are going through what you are. God bless you and keep you, LT
(CANADA) I guess when I said “Is it worth fighting for” I am just confused because of his actions. I know that the answer is no, but when he keeps leading me on it just makes me think I should keep fighting. You were not sounding harsh or uncaring in any way, I totally appreciate your help. I know that what I have done is beyond wrong, but love plays a funny toll and takes you places that you know you shouldn’t go.
As for me moving on, it’s next to impossible. He met up with me yesterday and of course we were involved physically and he tells me that he know it has to end but he cant seem to walk away from me and everything that we shared. So we left on terms last night that I guess we were still kind of together? Then a couple hours later he writes me an email saying that he is sorry for what he has to do and to remember all our good times and that he will never stop thinking of me and that I am constantly playing on his mind and that he’ll love me always.
Then today we talked again and he is telling me that he wants to see me tonight. WHY????? If this relationship is over for him and he is ready to go back to his family and give them what they deserve then why is he playing with my head and going back and forth? Seriously, every email he has written me since last night makes no sense. One email says we will talk later and work on it while the other ones say that he is sorry it’s over. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Obviously this is a huge sin and I don’t have a single person I can turn to and share this with other then all of you fine ladies. This person is a big part of my life as well as my family’s just like I am a big part of his family’s lives.
LT when you said “I believe God has a mate out there for you. That person will be revealed, but you have to stop sinning and learn to seek God’s way of life first before His wonderful promises will start to be given to you.” How do I do that? I read all of the posts and it’s amazing the things that all of you are trying to overcome and how well all of you work together in trying to help each other out. It’s amazing. I just need to try and move on with my life and do the right thing but I just can’t seem to find the way.
(USA) me (aka Demi), I just want to say me (Canada) that it’s NOT easy in any way, shape or form. Like I stated above, (#96) I am trying so hard to stay strong… but if he were to knock on my door now….I think I would invite him in and God knows what will happen. I THINK. If I could find the courage way down inside my soul…I may be able to turn him away.
It is a LITTLE…and I mean LITTLE easier for me cuz he got fired from his job…as stated above. (I don’t wish that upon anyone) and I wonder if that’s a sign or something. Anyway…you just have to stay strong….try and not talk to him 1 day. Try not to answer his calls for 1 day…try not to txt or IM him or respond to him for 1 day. If you can do it for 1 day….then try 2. Try 2 when you have succeeded with 1 day!!
It will be harder than you have ever imagined….cuz I know you love him just like most of us do/did on this page….but if I can do it….and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I KNOW you can. If you have read all my messages above (Demi) you can see my lover told me the same things …and one thing that is different from your lover….mine doesn’t’ have children.
So…he had no excuse not to leave….except for he wants children and I told him I was done. So…that’s his excuse and he sticks to that. But I didn’t. It’s a way out for him….I truly believe it.
I miss him so very much…but I am moving on and I’m in therapy now and finally found a great doctor that I enjoy telling him things and listen to him with both ears open wide. So… for me…with his help and y’alls help….I’m getting thru this world wind of a ride. Life is too short to be unhappy. I used to love my life… and now I just fake it. But I’ll be ok….1 day at a time. YOU CAN do it. Good luck and big hugs to all!! ME (aka Demi)
(USA) I apologize ahead for what I am going to express here. I have read some of your comments and yes, I see the hurt and pain you all are going through. I find it hard though to find sympathy to those of you who had an affair with married men– why, for I AM THE WIFE who has been BETRAYED. The pain I am going through right now, I would not wish for anyone. I know one or two of you here understand this.
I see the pain it has caused my whole family. It has torn us all apart. I can only wish for all of you to get the full measure of the consequences that you have done—Then again, this is my flesh. My yucky, unforgiving, ungracious flesh!! In God’s grace I know that as I needed to be forgiven, I too need to extend the same.
And this is where I draw my peace and strength from. My husband and I are working it out. Do I fully trust him? My trust I keep only to our LORD. Trusting that He strengthens me to be the wife He asks me to be. To show grace and mercy at a time when my husband needs it most. The only perfect reflection of Jesus’ cross I could show him. Agape love–loving unconditionally. How? Oh ladies, only through the Holy Spirit in me who produces the fruits I need to bear..love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,gentleness, faithfulness and SELF-CONTROL (Gal 5:22-23).
One thing I know, we all need His salvation, His love and protection. We all are wounded. As I see you through God’s eyes and as I try the same with the woman who was involved with my husband, I pray that your journey keeps you toward the only way –the way to God’s love, truth and life.
Do me a big favor, start praying for those wives and their children who are badly hurting.Then maybe or surely, it will take you out of yourselves and bring out the understanding, compassion and mercy you truly owe them. Please know, I am praying for all of you. I pray too that through your decision to follow God, you find the man whom God has prepared for you (he is truly out there). Brace yourselves ladies, HE WILL NOT BE PERFECT–but remember this, YOU will be perfected in love, faithfulness, trust and obedience by our Father who loves you so dearly and calls you His beloved. He is our perfect husband!! In God’s Spirit, my love and heart reaches out to you. –GRACE
(USA) Just want to share a thought that God has been bringing to my mind. Many years ago, before I was married, I went through a terrible experience–a type of date rape. I’m talking about months and years of anguish and depression and self-hatred. During this time I became angry with God for letting this happen to me. One day God spoke to me and let me know the following: He said, "Rebecca, in the end, I am going to win. I am going to triumph over all evil and pain and wickedness and wrong doing and hurt. Either you can choose to be angry at me and fight me and lose, or you can make peace with Me, get on the winning team, and celebrate victory and triumph some day together with Me when I win the final battle." Well, I chose back then to get on the winning team.
Now God is reminding me of that as I struggle to free myself from illicit, but very real, very strong feelings that exist in my heart for a man that is not my husband. Just because the attention feels so sweet and I like feeling attractive, what will I gain in the long run? Only with God’s approval and His attention will I have the long-term results that are of such great value. I choose to be on the winning team, even if I have to reject some things that bring me temporal, fleeting pleasure. See Hebrews 11:24-27. It’s a matter of choosing each new day, in each new circumstance. God help me, God help us all– to get on the winning team. Love to all.
(USA) Hi Rebecca, Thank you so much for sharing such a personal, yet moving and honest story with all of us. I believe it is benefiting to everyone to read that. That is a truly uplifting, exhorting and inspirational story. I felt so much of God’s Spirit in what you wrote and I took it to heart. I hope it speaks to everyone in that way. It is wonderful to read that. Thanks for sharing!!
(USA) I just found a note I wrote and read it as a voice mail in my last call to "him". It said how I hoped he would have called me to wish me luck on my biggest of days but he didn’t, and how I gave everything I had to give to him, to make him happy but my happiness seemed overlooked. When I read that I felt the pain of that day and thank God I am not there anymore.
Often I just remember the high, the "firsts", and neglect the feelings of being a "side dish" a dessert as he actually said once. He really thought that was a compliment! I fail to remember, how the man I am cheating on my husband with, didn’t even get me a candy bar for Valentines day, and 2 weeks later didn’t call me on my birthday, even though I reminded him daily. He was sooo sorry though. But did I get a gift? No. I asked him this question, the next day: if my husband found out I was having an affair with a man that doesn’t even care to call me on my birthday, how low would he think of me? That day was the beginning of the end.