You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Rebecca, Thank you. You have eased my pain. You already won the battle!! We truly are in the winning team. I am so humbled by you.
(USA) Today, I’m committing myself into a Total separation from an affair. Just thinking of doing it makes me cry. I’m married for 17 yrs and I’m having an affair w/ a married man. I knew him from childhood. We had an on and off relationship when we were younger. Lately we found each other again via web. It started w/ email, phone calls and instant messages. Last month however, we met after 14 yrs and the relationship became physical. He’s thousands of miles away from me now but we still communicate and wish that we were together again.
I know that this affair is not going anywhere. I want to keep my family, I want to gain my self respect back and I want to restore my relationship with my God. It’s been 48 hrs now since I last communicated w/ him. I miss him badly. It’s tearing me apart. I don’t know if I can do it but I know I’m not alone with this battle. I need His strength to do this. I need His guidance to overcome this. I need people like you to talk to about this. I need your help.
(USA) First of all, let me say how happy I am to find this website. I can’t believe there really are women out there having the same pain/problems as mine. Here’s my story. I have been married for 14 years, not happily. About 7 years ago I met a married man at work and we began to have an affair. It went on strong for about 4 years until I found out there was another other woman (we no longer worked together at this point) and we didn’t speak for 9 months when he called asking to see me again. I foolishly agreed thinking, okay, it’ll just be this one time. I want him to see how wonderful I’m doing without him. After the initial "breakup," I was a total zombie for probably three months then slowly, very slowly, came back to life.
Well, BIG mistake, it’s been on every since, but the last couple of months, his contact — personal, phone calls, texts, have become further and further apart. As of this moment, he hasn’t contacted me in over 3 weeks. This is the longest ever. Seems like old times again as the same thing happened months before I found out about the other other women the last time (you know, the more I write, the more absurd this seems. I think I’m solving my own problems as I listen to my stupid self.)
Anyway, it’s been over three weeks. The point of my story is this, I know a lot of you are hurting and holding on to get through the painful no contact period, but, just remember, if he does contact you again, and the affair resumes, you’re back to square one. And when it ends again, you feel like such a fool about yourself and the fact that you had come so far, further than you may realize at this moment, in your life and things were improving, just to let him pull the rug out again. Love and no judgment to all.
(USA) 48 hours!!! Mahal how precious those hours were. It meant that you have finally turned it over to God and said ..Yes Lord, this time, I choose YOU! As you have read here, everyone is struggling, everyone in pain. It helps me understand the other side instead on focusing in on just my pain. It is said…These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world…John 16:33
God is still a God of mercy, and miracles, and HE is faithful beyond what we could ever ever understand. He is all knowing. He allowed this for you for a greater purpose. He has already given us the provision to accept what was already said. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
He asks of you now, will you accept His mercy so He may turn these ashes into beauty? Will this be your testimony of how undeserving we are and yet found the love and forgiveness from our Abba Father? Will this too be your way to help others? This is part of what it means to die to oneself. When I came to realize this, I have allowed God to do whatever He wants of me.
Often the things He asks of me are difficult, but the peace I can not describe. I believe that too is what you aim to have. The peace that goes beyond understanding..the peace that only comes from HIM. Someone once told me, decisions and choices come every second. It’s like cockroaches closing in on your feet. How we stay away from it, is by stepping at each one. One at a time.
So when you come to a tough thought, feeling or decision, listen to the voice you’re hearing. Is it coming from the voice of fear? Then you know ultimately who is talking to you. God is not a God of confusion. He will equip you whenever you allow Him. So keep on stepping on each cockroach. God loves you. I need you to help me too. (No cockroaches were ever used and hurt in this comment..yet) :-)
(USA) Thanks Grace. It really helps to talk to someone who love and fears the Lord. At this point, I don’t know what to do. It really hurts not to hear from him. I honestly, miss him. Uphold me in your prayers.
(USA) Hello everyone. Grace, thank you for your quoting from Scripture. I find such strength in those words. I am so sorry for your pain and will keep you (all of you) in my prayers.
Mahal, I know how much it hurts. God knows how difficult this is for you and He will supply you with what you need.
I’m trying to end an affair with my single boss (I am married with small children). It’s been 5 weeks since we were last intimate. I feel stronger, at times, but it hurts so much to see him. I think I need to find another job. The tension between us is so great. We talk less frequently, laugh far less often and I have built this invisible wall around myself and I won’t let him in, but it’s hard. Why do I hate this situation almost as much as I do now as I did when I was intimate with him?
(USA) It’s been 60 hrs, Grace. By God’s grace, I’m coping well. It’s ok to cry, right? I’m crying my heart out to HIM now. Sinner as I am, I believe He will still listen to me. I need your opinion here. Do I have to tell him that this affair is over or I will just disappear and not contact him? Thanks!
(USA) Mahal….I saw my lover…came out and asked him if there was a future for us…and he said, "no for now". I told him no meant no. (he wants children) yeah right…like I’m gonna wait for him. I started to get out of his car and he wanted a hug…so he came around the car and we hugged (this was the last time I touched him). Then he said…does this mean you’re not going to talk to me anymore? I just walked away cuz I almost lost it and I didn’t want to do that in front of him.
This is my opinion…you have to end it. If you can stay strong….and walk away when you tell him it’s over….NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES….I think it’s the best thing. But..that’s my opinion because it worked for me. Yes he tried to IM me when he got to his desk but I logged out of IM (instant msging).
I want to ask y’all something. I truly feel we had a very special relationship…it was not ALL sexual. My question is….do y’all think they go through these withdrawals like we do? It just seems unfair that us women…including you too Nicole, go through this pain. I guess I’m just at a MAD stage right now. I’m here hurting. I think about him all the time….and he’s probably going on with his life as if I was never apart of it. Do y’all think they go through SOME type of hurt?
Nicole…I just feel the need to say….I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I pray for you and my lover’s wife too. I can’t believe it but I do.
Mahal… I hope you find your strength and find the best way to have total separation. You all are in my prayers… ME
(USA) Mahal…sorry for not really answering your question. What I meant was/is…contact him whether it be by phone, thru IM or even having him meet you. But I feel if you just walk away….he’s going to contact you again. You can be doing so good and one day…he shows up…this will put you back to the very beginning. All that hard work….for nothing.
Sorry for the confusion, ME
PS. I still think about him every day (all day).
(USA) I have to be honest. I am very sickened by what I read. I see a thread full of mostly women complaining about how hard it is to end their affairs, break free of their lovers, etc.
What’s my background? Five years ago, I might have been one of your husbands.
If you read more of what Dr Harley has to say about infidelity, he equates the damage done to the betrayed spouse with rape.
I’d say that’s just about right. My mom was raped when I was a child, and I recall the years of having to come home and announce my name, so she wouldn’t shoot me, she was so hurt and scared after that. And she had the guts to go to court, ID the guy and testify against him, so she was no shrinking violet.
When I found out about my wife’s affair, it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve seen loved ones die, and have survived cancer, and yet her affair was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced.
What I read here is pure selfishness. I’ll paraphrase, "It’s too hard." "I miss him so much." It makes me sick.
To those who say you cannot tell your husband. That is a lie from hell. You cannot keep this from your husband if you ever want your marriage to get better.
To those of you who have said your husbands cheated in the past. So what? Our behavior is not judged against others. As Christians, we are judged against God’s standard, not our neighbors, or Hollywood, or our spouse.
I’d like to ask you to think of this every time you want to see your lovers. You are raping your spouse and your children. Yes, even your children. You see the abusive, selfish nature of affairs not only damages your spouse, but it harms your children.
So think about that the next time you think you need to see your lover. Imagine that you are raping your child. Because emotionally, that is what you are doing not only to your husband, but to your whole family. Affairs are abusive.
If you find it impossible to end the affair, tell your spouse. Get an accountability partner at your church that will hold you accountable for your actions towards your spouse.
Take it from a betrayed husband, the news is far worse if we find out via another means.
And the grass is not greener. My ex-wife has a far more difficult life, and it’s the one she chose. She went from a stay-at-home mom, to working full time at jobs that might earn her $20-25K/year.
The Other Man that she just had to have. Well, he may or may not have ended his 30 year marriage. Either way, I doubt he has much money anymore. But it doesn’t matter, because she has gone from being married to a man who loved her, and who made it possible for her to be the SAHM she wanted to be, to dating a security guard with whom she regularly fights with. The grass is not greener.
Me? I married a wonderful Christian women. We go on missions trips, work with the youth, take winery tours, and we don’t have to sneak around. We don’t have to hide or be ashamed. We gross out the kids with all the PDA around the home.
So if the grass is greener, I’d say it’s likely true for the betrayed spouse, who is freed from a selfish, adulterous spouse, who after thinking only about herself, is often just left with herself.
I don’t hate cheaters. But I do hate cheating, the lies told both to themselves to justify the affair, and to others to hide the affair. I hate the damage done by cheaters to their marriages. And I hate the damage cheaters do to their children.
My daughter and I were talking one day while I was still married to my ex-wife. She asked me after a devotional about saving souls if her mommy had lost her soul. She was five and knew age appropriate details about her mothers actions, such as her mother made a vow to only love me as a mommy loves a daddy, and now she says she loves another man in this way. So we need to pray for mommy.
She asked if her mommy lost her soul, because it was obvious to this 5 year old girl that her mommy was not acting like a mommy to her, or a wife to her husband. No one needed to tell her, she could see it at 5. Such profound truth out of the mouths of babes.
So ladies (and any men reading) stop making excuses about how hard it is to end the affair. Do what it takes to establish verifiable no contact with your lover. If what it takes is to remember that every time you are unfaithful, you are raping your spouse and your children, then think that thought until the idea of being with your love sickens you as much as affairs sickens me.
(USA) Well Tony, women are weaker emotionally, usually only when sex is wrapped up in a pretense of love. We fall for it. Men can separate it if they have to. We’re not made that way. It’s no excuse, I know. But it is hard and it does hurt. And it’s our fault. And we need not only "prayer" but to PRAY for OURSELVES! Your comparison to rape is probably right and that’s why we don’t tell a living soul, and cry our hearts out here, anonymously. We think hiding it protects you, even if it’s wrong. It’s ALL wrong. All of it. Your post makes that clear.
(USA) Hi Tony, I’ve read your many posts today and was waiting on God to give me the time to respond. It’s quite obvious that you are speaking from a point of extreme hurt in your life. I thought you made some wonderful observations in your comments on the other pages where you’ve posted.
But after reading this latest one, I guess what I wanted to say was to ask you to please refrain from spreading such bitterness around this website. I still have many things that I think would be of use to you and when I have the time and quiet, I’d like to respond to some of what you wrote on the other pages.
Right now, after reading this latest post, my honest objective observation is, you are coming here talking to women who are trying to move on (and it’s difficult) and yes, at times, they have difficulties, but you coming here telling them they make you sick and that they are being selfish. Well I have a hard time differentiating from their selfishness and your selfishness at writing such insulting comments to them.
My brother, you need to invite God into your heart and let Him heal your heart and your extreme bitterness. King David lost a child and God took that child from Him in punishment. David’s response was the oft-quoted, God gives and God takes away.
God allowed your wife to be taken away. I don’t know why, but that’s a given. She’s gone as you’ve pointed out in each comment you’ve written.
I have much the Lord wants me to share with you on your other comments but on reading this latest one, God is really telling me strongly to share with you, my brother, son of God, hold your bitter tongue a bit more. Take heed lest you fall.
None of us are perfect. The body of Christ it to lift one another up and exhort. Please contain your bitterness if you will. That is of Satan. A little sin leavens the whole lump. These women here are trying… that’s why they are here.
Tell them your experiences as a spouse who was the victim of adultery and let them know the hurt your received but don’t revile evil for evil. That is a violation of God’s laws. You are heading in that direction.
Please know that God loves you and will help you. I plan on writing more to some of your other comments at God’s appointed time. I have much to share. I just wanted to nip the bitterness bug before it spreads like a fire. To all of you – God bless and may God keep you. LT
(USA) I don’t hate cheaters. But I do hate cheating, the lies told both to themselves to justify the affair, and to others to hide the affair. I hate the damage done by cheaters to their marriages. And I hate the damage cheaters do to their children.
That was what I read from Tony’s comment. I don’t think it is fair for anyone LT to judge him as bitter or spreading bitterness. One cannot fully understand until one has been betrayed through adultery. And as I read Tony’s comment, I believe he is only being as honest as need be. And oftentimes for others, TRUTH is hard to take especially for those who are not ready to be humbled and/or face the truth with great surrender.
I too have read a lot of excuses here made on how hard it is to end an affair. Why, it is truly hard to end an affair. This has been established way before any sin or affair have ever started. It is hard because it is totally opposite of God’s will for us. Therefore, it leads to misery and destruction. In fact, Tony brings a way out as he mentioned in this comment "If you find it impossible to end the affair, tell your spouse. Get an accountability partner at your church that will hold you accountable for your actions towards your spouse." If he truly is bitter, he would have rather carried on and say all the bad consequences that one deserves as a result of commiting adultery and wish it for those who made excuses. But I did not see that. Here is a man broken, yes still may be hurt, but convicted enough to stand and express what is true. And also shares his victory after his storm through his faith in God. I see that he does have faith in God, otherwise, he would not have pursued marrying a wonderful christian wife.
What evil did Tony do here..express the truth? If one can not handle that, then one should better check within oneself whatever else one is holding back.
Women are weak..yes we maybe..but through the armor God has given us, we are more than conquerors!!!
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
-GRACE
(USA) Mahal -sorry almost missed the question.
Do I have to tell him that this affair is over or I will just disappear and not contact him?
The answer to that is this..Your decision to end the affair is ultimately your offering, trust and faith in God. Ergo, you only need to tell God. What I am trying to say is..Turn around and totally let go. You really don’t need to explain nor make him understand this. Trust God that He will lay it in your heart if you truly need to speak to him about this. If you ask God for wisdom on this, He will reveal it to you. And moreso, HE will find a way and make it happen.I doubt tho’ if God would be pleased if you pursue him first about this matter more than God. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all this things will be added unto you. So, you need not worry and rest in God’s love on this. BE STILL-and know who God is to you(most especially). Ask that yourself. Who is God to you? I tell myself all about who God is to me, "God is my Love, God is faithful to me, God is interested in every detail of my life, God pursues me more than I, God is faithful, God wants to give me hope and abundant life.." In no time, you’ll see the smile and the peace that comes flowing in you. In the bible it says..if the eye causes you to sin..take it out, if any part of your body causes you to sin..cut it off. You remember that verse? The same premise I give you. You well know, getting in touch with him will have a big (BIG) chance of you falling back..then don’t do it. Again, you only need to turn this and bring it to the foot of the cross. Don’t even worry what he will think of you. Ask yourself, is he truly concerned of your well being? Is this truly the man who will genuinely be concerned? Everytime you make a step towards what’s right, what is for God, you sure are closer to the blessing of being set free–and isn’t that what you want? To be free and be seen as a joyful, faithful christian woman deserving of a man who also loves God. Read Rebecca’s comment again..very encouraging. Decide to be with the winning team!!!
love to you and all!!
(USA) Hi Me –>My question is….do you all think they go through these withdrawals like we do?
As the wife who has been betrayed..the answer to your question is YES. They do go through all the withdrawals. And it hurts me to see my husband go through it. It means that I am not the only one in his heart and mind which should be. To realize it isn’t me anymore that brings the excitement in his life. It tears me apart. I’m screaming inside. Question is, what are they really withdrawing from? If you list all the answers, you’ll be very disappointed. You’ll discover, it isn’t really you or from you. It truly boils down to issues they have (they think) they need filling. And we know that it is only through God who truly can satisfy us of all our needs. For some who may not exhibit any withdrawal symptoms, I am certain that it is because they have found something or someone else to drown it or patch it all up. And what is that really? That is a true picture of PRIDE. When one lies to themselves and say, I need not deal with this.
I can understand you going through all emotions, all questions. But don’t allow yourself to be consumed of what he is going through. But busy yourself building a strong relationship with God. If those thoughts come, understand that they will be there (constantly..for a time). But remember, as I told Mahal, you have a choice to step on them like cockroaches and tell yourself..nope, I’m not going there!!
Marie thank you for your comment. Embrace the difficulty of your decision to end it. But also remember every effort you do, every trust you turn over to God..Marie all this hurt will be worth it. You’ll see yourself more closer to Him. And some day you may even say..BEST thing that ever happened to me!! And that’s humility in the battle of winning over sin. Remember you are precious–God tells me to tell you that :-) All of you are!!!
Mahal, I’m praying and cheering for you. If you fall, God knows your heart. Just press on and keep fighting the good fight!! HE will finish the work he started in you. In all of us!!!
Please forgive me..if I have put in two consecutive comments.