You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Dear All, I just want to let you all know how powerful your prayers are for my battle. A couple of hours ago, I asked your opinion if I should talk to him and let him know that this is over. As I was deciding what to do, I got a text message from him, telling me that he needed to settle things with his family- I interpreted that as," I need to stop this affair". God just made a way to make it easy for me to end it. I did not text him back. I’m just praying that God will intervene from this time on.
I’m crying right now because I’m happy to know that God is with me in this battle and so happy that I have YOU all praying for me and can’t imagine right now how powerful those prayers are. I’d be lying if I say, I’m not sad. I feel it, but I can say with the scripture now that," The joy of the Lord is my strength".
(USA) LT, Sharing how one feels on a topic is NOT bitterness. I passionately hate the cheating, and want to see every cheater successfully turn from their sin and repent.
If you call that bitterness, then I think you need to check yourself, because assumption is not one of the spiritual gifts last time I checked.
I shared the truth that God has placed into my heart from having lived through my former wife’s affair.
First, there was the wondering what was wrong with our relationship. The lies from her that all was well. The sneaking around, and then finding out from her co-workers that she was truly in an affair.
There were months of not eating and not sleeping because I was so crushed. The times I just wanted to kill myself. How easy it would be to just drive into a pole, or off a bridge or into on-coming traffic.
Then there were the times where I planned how to kill the OM.
No, I’m not bitter. I’m sharing openly and honestly about what affairs do to betrayed spouses.
I’m sharing openly about the hurtful nature of affairs, what it does to the children and rest of the family, let alone the betrayed spouse.
What would be bitterness would be to pretend these things don’t happen. That affairs don’t cause this sort of damage.
Like I tell my children, there is no try, you do or don’t do.
Please don’t insult me with the women are weaker angle. We don’t accept such an excuse from a man who falls short, so why would we even give the light of day from a woman? It’s just another excuse for selfish behavior.
What could be more bitter than someone making excuses for adulterous behavior?
I’m sorry, the ones who are bitter are NOT the ones speaking out against affairs, encouraging those who are involved in an affair to find the strength or the help to end the affair today.
You do it one hour at a time. Do that 24 times in a row and you’ve gone a day without contact. Do 7 days in a row and you’ve done a week. Do 4 weeks in a row and you’ve done a month. How about every time you think of the OM, you start thinking about how you can love and respect your husband?
It’s not hard. You simply have to decide where you are going to focus your thoughts. You know, hold every thought captive. When you find you are thinking about the wrong things, you stop, and re-focus your line of thinking. It may be hard, but it’s impossible as long as you keep making excuses and don’t engage the help you need.
Again, what works.
1. Telling your spouse. Once that information is out there, it’s tough to keep doing what you are doing. It also happens to be the right thing to do. Marriages cannot be built on lies. Hiding the truth is destructive to the marriage. As it says in Proverbs, you are building your house upon sand. Lying is doing just that, building your house on the shifting sands of your lies.
2. Engage an accountability partner. Not your spouse. But a Godly woman in your church that knows EVERYTHING about the affair. Someone who will go over your cell phone bill and see who you are calling or texting, read your diary, whatever it takes to make your life an open book.
3. Do whatever it takes to establish no contact. If you work with the OM, quit your job. If he’s a member at your gym, go to a new gym. If he’s your neighbor, sell your house and move. No contact is crucial.
4. This should probably be first, read Psalm 51 and pray that prayer. Your sin is against God. David was mentioned. When David’s sin was pointed out, he mourned because he sinned against God. I don’t seen mourning over sinning against God here. I see people who are looking inward, at how tough it is to do the right thing, the excuses.
David didn’t make excuses, he fell to his knees weeping, and cried out to God blot the sin from his life.
I’m not bitter. But I’m disappointed that folks who apparently call themselves Christians fail to see the damage they are doing with their sins. They are mourning how much it hurts them to stop their sin, and little if anything about how their sin hurts Christ, and hurts their family. How hard must one’s heart be, to be so selfish that their primary focus is on how hard it is for them to stop sinning?
There is help. But you cannot keep looking inward, expecting things to change. You must look outside of yourselves. You must look to God, at all times. Especially when you are tempted.
Salvation is not in the other man.
Salvation is not in keeping your affair a secret.
Salvation is not in your inner strength or will-power.
Salvation is not in anything other than Christ.
God designed marriage in a wonderful way. It’s a union of two people who are to look to one another. We are not told to be self reliant, self sufficient. We are told to look to one another. We are told to look to God.
So start doing that today. Every time you think of the OM, stop that and refocus on God or your husband. Pretty soon, you’ll see the OM for who he is. And I’ll bet you really won’t like what you see.
(USA) Tony, I feel like jumping for joy that someone understood how I felt. It felt like it was I who wrote your comment. What you went through was exactly my journey. Mine was driving fast enough over a cliff that the impact I’m sure (I thought) I won’t feel. Good thing the Holy Spirit’s voice is clear and strong in me that helps me make Godly choices.
Weight Loss..ha! 128 lbs to 115 in five days it continued on to 103lbs. The sight of food makes me cry for I know that one bite and the food would just roll around my mouth and could not make myself to swallow it.
Worse feeling is, I was made to feel weird, that I was simply acting strange and insecure–I was the schizo! Seeing my children so wounded in all this. The damage? One could not even imagine if it’s salvageable. But as I hang on to God’s truth and believe that if He is for me..no one can be against me, even if I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I rest my heart in knowing that my understanding and my ways are not HIS. He is all knowing and has a good and perfect will for me. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I still have a long ways to go. I continually choose to forgive my husband every moment everyday. Often it falls short. That’s why I surrender to God so He can have His way with me. If not, this flesh of ours..well you know what it can do.
Please be encouraged that I felt your sincere heart in your comment. The leading and guidance of the Holy Spirit. The truth you shared can be blinding but not for those who are humbled. In fact, in can help set one free–always, the TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!! Pray for me…my dear brother
(USA) Grace, Having been there five years ago, I can still remember. While what I’ve written has been no-holds barred, I can say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
However, contrary to how it may appear from where you stand, success is no measured by the restoration of your marriage, but how you live out your relationship with Christ. The same is true for the prodigal spouse, but they have the added burden that if the marriage ends, it’s a burden of guilty they will carry.
It’s not easy being either spouse. I can only imagine what it’s like to be the unfaithful spouse. I suspect in many ways it’s much harder, because the guilt is real. In many ways it’s easier, because they are trying to carefully control what is going on. The betrayed spouse typically has little control over what is happening, and often incomplete knowledge.
I am one data point that shows that you can be better after divorce. So it’s a mixed bag. While I don’t spend as much time with my child as I’d like. Shared parenting (and fathers are NEVER visitors, they are dads) doesn’t give either mom or dad daily access.
But the marriage was severely broken. I won’t deny that. But I will never accept that an affair by my former wife was the right thing to do.
But don’t measure your success by the state of the marriage. I believe I’m a success having ended up divorced. I’ve since re-married, after many hours of counseling, therapy, and enough books to open up my own self-help bookstore, LOL.
So I encourage you to ponder, but not dwell on the fact that not all marriages are saved. You do have a better chance, since men are far more likely to return to the marriage after their affairs than are women.
I worked with Dr Harley’s outfit, and Steve, his son was quite candid that when women leave, they typically are done, and even if the men become Christ-like, few return.
Betrayed wives have a much better chance of putting their marriage back together again.
Personally, I think this pretty much refutes that men are unable to admit they are wrong. That’s a pretty big wrong, and if men are more likely than women to return, it kinda kills that stereotype that men can’t admit they are wrong.
Anyway, success is not measured by your marriage, it’s measured by your relationship with God.
Of course, having an affair is a prime indicator that your relationship with God is lacking, and therefore, are not really successful.
(USA) Hello Everyone, I am a 45 year old airline captain, and have been married for 15 years. I have never cheated on my wife, or done anything that came even close to it, and started an affair 4 months ago with one of my female co-pilots. It came completely unexpected,and we fell deeply in love with each other during a trip. A feeling that neither of us had ever experienced before on this level.
I have met thousands of people in my career all over the globe, and thought to have a good knowledge of people.
Knowing others: yes. Knowing myself: No.
It is the worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life. It still scares me, what this affair is doing and has done to me, and how I am capable of lying and being dishonest to people I love. This is truly a lesson in self-knowledge and humility. An affair is a direct result of some lack in your emotional life. Some people say they are bored in the relationship they are in, others seek adventure, others simply don’t know.
I try to find out how I got sucked into this complete romantic disaster, and cannot find a rational answer. Once you fall in love with someone, your reasoning stops to work in a normal way. There lays the problem. Love truly makes you blind.
Always able to handle almost any situation, I could not deal with my emotional problem that has developed over the past 4 months.
We both realize what we are doing is completely wrong, and have been trying to stop it since the start. She does not want me to leave my wife for her, and I don’t want her to feel like the other person. I loved this woman for a different reason than I love my wife for. Sounds impossible but true.
I have not slept with my wife since we have been having this affair, as I see that as cheating on the "girlfriend". This is so wrong, that it makes me sick. Never having fallen in love with someone so deeply, I had no idea I was capable of such things. There is no logical explanation.
We slowly have been separating and concluded that breaking up is the thing to do. Both being rational people, it is working, and we talk almost daily about this to make sure we don’t get emotional involved again. It is good to be both on the same page, and we both want an end to this. A rational approach and realization that we were both at the wrong time at the wrong place, makes us understand that this affair is impossible and wrong on every level.
We started it off on a mutual feeling of caring about each other and enjoying each other’s company. Affairs always start innocent, but escalate into ultimate disaster. It is like an airplane crash. You have to avoid it with all means possible. There is no exception to the rule. Affairs are based on illusions, and lack of knowledge and lack of information about the other person or lack of self-knowledge.
I can totally relate to some of the comments posted before, where you were comparing an affair to an addiction. It totally is. It is worse. It is a curse that haunts your soul and preoccupies your mind constantly. Steer away from it when you see it coming because it is guaranteed disaster. It is a thunderstorm you do not want to be caught up in.
I am very glad that the two of us were able to stop the affair, while still being able to talk and work as professionals. You have to know yourself first, before you start to get to know someone else. This is the problem in life. Easy said, impossible to achieve in our daily lives.
This whole situation was a very frightening experience, and has taught me a lot about myself and my emotions. It has also shown me how stupid I was to even consider risking my marriage with a wonderful loving wife.
There is simply no excuse, no explanation for what happened, and to all of you out there, I can tell you it will happen to a lot of people. I see it daily, and I was always the one to tell people to do the right thing, and not to get involved in these kind of things.
Please use the little common sense that is left when you fall in love with someone else, to straighten out your situation, because affairs have absolutely no future. Everybody makes the same mistakes it seems like, and I considered myself to be the last person to ever be in this position. Lesson learned.
Also,the Boss up There, has taught me the hardest lesson in life with this situation. It is not simple to go against your heart and against your emotional feelings once the process has started.
Let me tell you that flying a 700,000 lbs jet is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to what I went through the past 4 months. It was an emotional hell!!!!! Living a double life is horrible. It consumes you from within, and slowly destroys your being. It destroys you entirely, and it pushes your limits and boundaries in every way. It changes you in to a person you don’t want to see when you look in the mirror. It eats away your soul and you don’t even see it until other people start asking you what is wrong.
I try to be a good person in life, and try to do the right things in life,with being a good example to people around me.
It just shows that the trap is set out there to all of us and it has a very nice wrapper around it.
Be very careful,and be warned by everybody who has dealt with this, that there is simply not a good outcome to an affair.
Fight it as hard as you can when it sneaks up on you. You will be very grateful afterward. Knowing everything now, I would never have started this, and neither would she. She is a good person too, and has a good heart. We really felt like soul mates, but reality is something you simply cannot ignore in life. Our society is a perfect frame these days for the illusion that an affair really is. It is a fake concept, an escape from things you don’t want to deal with. It is fun at the time, but the price you pay is beyond comprehension. Nothing is worth it.
Learn from other people’s mistakes, or experience it yourself if you want to shorten your life with 10 years, but try as hard as you can not to hurt other people or yourself in the roller coaster ride. It is a very turbulent and painful ride let me tell you. Peace and sympathy to all of you. Be strong.
(ENGLAND) Hi, I am not sure if this is the right place to post this but I am desperately unhappy and needing guidance and support.
My husband of 8 years moved out of our marital home in February 08 saying that he needed some space after he had gone through an horrendous time with his business (he was almost made bankrupt). I had had 3 jobs for 3 years to support us as a family whilst he built the business. But the UK economy has been so bad that the company finances got out of hand because he is not very good with money and made some bad decisions about the finances.
During the past 18 months I have lost both my parents (one I nursed through the latter stages of cancer) and had major surgery for suspected cancer myself, only 6 weeks after losing my mum. I love my husband dearly and we had a wonderfully fulfilling relationship both emotionally and sexually until I had my surgery in June 07. We had been arguing a lot about finances and fear of the debts until we could no longer communicate.
However, we had just begun to get back on track when the business pressures mounted and we nearly lost everything. He signed the house over to me to protect it and then when he sold his business he took the money from that sale which was about equal. He told me he still loved me but needed some time to sort himself out and we continued having a marital relationship and even went on a cruise together at the end of February 08 for his 50th birthday with our son.
Then in April 08 I found out that he had made plans to travel around Europe for 3 months as part of his need to find himself again! Whilst he was away we remained in daily contact and I joined him in May for a week in Milan. He then sent me 12 long stemmed red roses for my birthday in June with emails telling me how much he loved and adored me and was looking forward to coming home. We also planned another holiday with friends in August.
Then the bombshell came on 25th June! He had met a French woman who was 15 years his junior, widowed just 12 months and had 3 tiny children under 4 years old! He had been with her only a week but was ‘madly in love’ and they where planing to spend the rest of their lives together in the South of France!
He has been back in England on and off sorting out his affairs several times since. Each time he is not with her he tells me he still loves me and is torn between the two of us. He tells me he loves me but he is ‘in love’ with her and can’t give her up because it would destroy her as she only lost her husband 12 months ago in a tragic accident. She is wealthy, young and very passionate.
I have been told by mutual friends that their relationship is very sexual and passionate and they tell everyone it will ‘always be this way’. He is telling me that he loves me enough to come home to me if it doesn’t work out but believes he wouldn’t have a right to come home or deserve to come back. He says that if he doesn’t go he will wake up every day and wonder ‘what if’ and we would never be happy. But if he goes and it isn’t right for them then he would come back for the right reasons.
I know people will think I am mad for even considering having him back but I am a Christian woman who believes in the commitment of marriage. I love my husband very much and we had a great marriage until 9 months ago. I am so very very lost and want so much for him to come home. He knows this and thinks he can have his cake and eat it therefore. What can I do to protect myself emotionally and be strong? I want him home but because he wants to be with me more than her not only out of duty. Lucy
(USA) This is very good hearing from the male in the situation. It is good to hear the feelings are similar …I do think it’s easier for the male to detach but maybe that’s because I am not male. Thank you for posting.
I really do wish I could go back, hit rewind, and chose to go to the beach for 4 days alone to sort my marriage problems out, than meet this guy that became an albatross around my neck for 18 months choking the very life out of me and my relationship with God. I would never do it again. Know too that once you have done this you are vulnerable to doing it again with another. Be vigilant for the enemy is like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour.
AS LT would say we look for comfort in people when we need to look to Him. If you haven’t had an affair and are just thinking about it or doing the one time thing… don’t… it’s like a cocaine rush and addiction… and it never stops pulling at you. So stop now. Angel
(USA) Sorry, I don’t buy the it’s easier for a male to detach.
How attached are these women having affairs to their own husbands? The very act of having an affair shows how easier it was for them to detach from their husbands, the very person they are to be most closely attached.
So I’m not buying the, "it’s harder for women to detach…" line. The behavior of the unfaithful spouse demonstrates that detachment is possible for them. Look how detached they are from their husbands, they are having an affair with another man. Nope, it’s pure selfishness. They don’t want to detach from the other man. Sorry, I’m not buying it.
Scripture tells us there is ALWAYS a way out of sin. Bluntly, the Bible is saying there are NO excuses for sin, and no excuses for staying in sin. The first step is to come face to face with that reality, that there are no excuses.
(USA) BTW That was to Pilot. Thanks for sharing the male side of an affair from soeone who expierenced it and did it themselves.
For Tony:
Tony I know you are in pain, and I recognize that these feelings are your and that you own them.
That saying this board is basically for people in the midst of an affair to come to and find help and healing from others who have done the same thing.
A. We have come here to do just that. If we did not want help then we would not be here.
B. These are our true feelings we own them and like it or not its what we are feeling.
C. Women are more emotional creatures we aren’t the right brain rational male. Our emotions drive us albeit it right or wrong.
D. We are not perfect and at least we are seeking help.
E. I have been away from my former partner almost 4 months now due to the help from LT and the ladies here. Had I been judged by someone I’d have probably turnt tail and run.
F. My God is a God of restoration. Jesus would not expect everytime someone sinned for them to have to have their children, parents, friends and everyone know. If they are walking a better path and turning away why drag them down with shame and exposure and ruin the life of the kids and parents too. Regardless of what parents do kids don’t need to be hearing bad things about their parents. It solves nothing. It is NEVER in the best interest of the children to put adult issues on them. If my husband was an ax murder I would never down talk him to my children.
G. Soul ties do form, its scriptutal and those sould ties cause the emotional jaunts and depression. A woman that doe not care who she sleeps with doesn’t have those, at least we have a consciounce.
H. You are NOT in my shoes…I have made a 4 month break its over and my husband, parents and children do NOT need to know. I am tested CLEAN and God an I are moving past this. YOU have not been on this side of the fence and I don’t expect you to understand where I am coming from, or the loss I felt, or the emotional torment I had. Yes I was an adultress, yes it was wrong. But the feelings I felt afterwards are normal and as humans we always grieve relationship loss.
I AM sorry for your hurt. But our feelings are very real and they are not wrong.
(USA) Hi Pilot, Grace and Lucy, Pilot, thanks so much for your candor and sharing your story. I agree with everything you’ve written.
To Grace and Lucy – here is a book I recently finished. It’s geared toward relationships with infidelity but is a good reference for anyone facing a tough situation with a loved one where you would have to make a decision that, at the time, may not feel like love even though it actually is. This concept is best put in the analogy of a parent with their child – there are some things you want for them because it is best, even though it’s not what they want for themselves. See I Corinthians 13 for God’s definition of what love is and isn’t. I’ll let you read the book yourselves instead of giving any more info on it. I don’t want to add to much of my own opionions on it so I’ll let the book speak for itself. But I think you two ladies will find it particularly useful considering your situations right now.
Love Must Be Tough
by James Dobson (head of Focus on the Family)
Another one that is quite good is His Needs, Her Needs
written by Willard Harley. It gives the breakdown of why affairs (for most cases) happen and, having had one myself in the past, I certainly agree with his findings and observations. And if you’re trying to rebuild a marriage after an affair, it’s good for that, too, to become aware of how to make a marriage better and "affair-proof" as much as it’s possible.
Now, for those of you who don’t already know from my previous posts, I guess I fall into the "minority" for why I had an affair. Firstly – there’s no way of excusing it or justifying it, if you are Christian, so I’m not saying that, I simply want to point out that, apparently from what I’m reading (and I’m reading a LOT of different stuff), people in abusive marriages are the minority of adultery commiters.
Well, I was in an abusive marriage and it still continues to be verbally abusive so it’s still a troubled marriage in my case. But my point in writing it is that regardless of why you have an affair (whether your marriage is perfect or not), someone has an affair because they are lacking something from their current partner. And sometimes this happens with only one, perhaps neither, of the partners even being aware of it until it’s too late.
Now this speaks to ALL married people – regardless of whether you are the perpertrator or victim of infidelity. It happens because something is WRONG in the marriage so let us all take that to heart and it’s also addressed in the Love Must Be Tough
book as well as His Needs, Her Needs
.
What I’ve learned is that, my relationship with Christ at the time I "stepped out," so many years ago, was very lacking. It wasn’t until that grew, that I stopped looking to people for fulfillment that only God can give. So I suffered with the temptation of that, even long after my actual affair ended.
I still do not get emotional fulfillment from my husband and the relationship is still unhealthy and there are many issues to be dealt with but now, God makes up for that instead of me looking to people (or any other physical fulfillment) in place of God.
I hope this helps and speaks to some of you in some way. To Grace and Lucy, I recommend those books to you. I also recommend the following link as I think it will be more helpful to you than this page:
https://marriagemissions.com/dealing-with-anger-and-grief-after-the-betrayal/
That article, as well as those who post there, can probably much more relate to your situation than the people on this page will be able to. The people posting here are looking to work through the process of ending an affair but can’t really relate (that I know of) to being the one "cheated on," so I think this other page would probably be more helpful.
Also – if you are interested in Willard Harley’s info, before you read any of his books, you can get an idea of what he does and how he learned what he’s learned at his website http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Thanks and God bless, LT
(USA) Angel, For one, you don’t know my feelings. What you wrongly interpret as hurt is nothing like you can even imagine.
It’s disgust! In many ways, I feel sorry for those who are making excuses for their sin. In no way am I saying I don’t sin. I do. But you don’t have to be a slave to sin. As long as one is making excuses for their sin, they ARE defeated. But they are only defeating themselves.
While all that about right brain, left brain, emotional vs logical may be true, the bottom line is God’s not going to say, well since she’s emotional, her sin is OK.
Frankly, I wonder about anyone who excuses their sin if they really KNOW Christ. If they are really under the blood. Because if they knew Christ, if they had that relationship with Him, I don’t see how they could in what appears to be such a cavalier fashion make excuses for their sin.
To me, all that right brain, left brain stuff is nothing but an excuse. It’s too hard because I’m leading with my feelings.
It’s not wrong to be influenced by your feelings. The problem comes when we put ourselves first. Either our logic, or our feelings above everything else. Either way, it’s sin, and the wages of sin is death.
So I have to wonder if those who keep saying it’s so hard to quit sinning, are really under the blood of Christ. I’m not saying you are or are not. I don’t know. But I would encourage anyone, regardless of whether they are driven by feelings or logic, how they could possibly claim Christ, claim to be washed by the blood, claim His victory over sin, if they cannot give up their sin.
I know some here have. I know others haven’t.
Like I’ve said before, there is hope. But hope is not manifested in excuses, in any side of the brain, in any level of personal strength, etc. It’s in Christ. Anything else is just excuses.
Angel, you opened with a faulty assumption about my pain. I’m scarred, but I’m not in pain. So now I’m sickened by what I see. Many who claim to know Christ, but can’t tap into HIS strength to stop doing what they know is right.
I see more energy put into making excuses than I see in claiming the promises of Christ. There is no temptation common to man that we cannot overcome in Christ. There are NO excuses when that is the fact.
So it doesn’t matter if you are right brained or left brained. What matters is will you meditate on Christ, and what He’s done for you. Will you meditate on the victory already won for you, and turn from sin. Any sin. Not just the infidelity with your OM or OW, but your failure to have faith in Christ.
When I read how hard it is used to explain why folks keep going back to the lover, that’s nothing more than either a lack of faith, or the selfish unwillingness to do the right thing.
If there is any pain, it’s the mourning I have for folks who either don’t really know Christ, and are going to be in deep trouble when they face the Father, or how they are defeated victors. They have victory in their hands, provided by Christ, but are unable to see it, and cling to the excuses and lies they believe about their own inability to capitalize on the victory already provided to them in Christ.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I know I can do ALL THINGS in Christ who strengthens me. So anytime I read someone saying how tough it is, I have to wonder why they lack the faith to call on that promise and ask God to make that true in their lives.
So instead of being right minded or left minded, why not adopt the mind of Christ?
Quitting one’s affair, or any addiction is first to recognize that in your own strength you don’t have the power, but with God’s strength, there is nothing you cannot overcome. Is that pain? Nope. That’s faith Angel. So stop the excuses. Refuse to accept them from others, and refuse to let them leave your lips or keyboard.
And stop trying to make this about me. Not only are you wrong, but it takes away from the real message, that there is Victory in Jesus. Anything else is just a lame excuse.
(USA) Angel, Your feelings are real. But if they lead you into sin, they are certainly wrong.
(USA) Tony I am out of sin, thank you. I am forgiven. Been out 4 months..but grief is grief. It’s called breaking soul ties. The fact that you wanted to kill your ex wife’s BF shows me bitterness.
(USA) LT, I know your heart is in the right place and I thank you for your book recommendation. But I too, am ready to open my own bookstore with all the books I’ve read. Every book has been of great help because I choose only the ones that are in the Word and biblically backed-up. Otherwise I wouldn’t want any of it. Love, Life for Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat is one that helped me the most.
I hope this helps and speaks to some of you in some way. To Grace and Lucy, I recommend those books to you. I also recommend the following link as I think it will be more helpful to you than this page:
https://marriagemissions.com/dealing-with-anger-and-grief-after-the-betrayal/
It felt more like your telling Lucy and I, what to do, and our thoughts here are not appropriately geared. I was drawn to share my thoughts here through the leadings, and what was laid by the Holy Spirit, in my heart. I believe it is the only the Holy Spirit who could truly manifest this to me and not by anyone else. Of course, I have been moved by so many here and have helped me understand a lot of things. In fact, that was one of my purpose. To understand the other side (from the standpoint of the OW) that my compassion and love grows deeper. My forgiveness should be as Christ gives it–unconditional. So I ask to be cleared on this. Are you suggesting that we do not participate in this topic?
The people posting here are looking to work through the process of ending an affair but can’t really relate (that I know of) to being the one "cheated on," so I think this other page would probably be more helpful.
I didn’t know that this topic is exclusive. As I have learned so much from some of you here, I pray that our journey may be of an understanding and benefit to you as well. Please read all my comments and tell me what offends you. If it does, I apologize for making you feel that way, but I can not apologize to what is TRUE to God’s word.
"can’t really relate"? Or won’t? Is our pain too convicting? I am here with an open heart. To embrace all of you and know that in the end we all are God’s children. True, bottom line, the real pain here is when one of us fail to be humbled and accept the victory that was already won by that MAN on the cross–my Jesus, our Jesus.
I humbly turn and give you my other cheek and thank you nonetheless for your comment. Yes..that was how it felt.
(USA) Also…I pray that we ask the HOLY SPIRIT to be the sole moderator of this topic.