A person who has been sexually abused as a child often thinks that once the abuse stops, he or she can “just get on with life.” At that point everything will be “just fine.” After-all, the past is the past, right? Wrong.
Personal Experience of Abuse
I’ve been there and have done that and fell for the same lie. I thought that the pain was behind me and I’d be fine. But I wasn’t. And neither was our marriage, because my “past” affected it, or I should say it “infected” it greatly.
I thought that marrying a man who was gentle and kind would lead to a healthy sex life together. My past would then be “my past.” But again I was wrong. It’s not that my husband Steve did everything right to help me deal with things properly. He said and did things in his frustration that sometimes complicated matters even more. But that was not his intent to hurt me further. It just happened. Unfortunately, I didn’t handle matters very well at all. I made matters all the worse because of my inability to know how to best work through my issues.
Past Abuse Has to Be Dealt With
Like many others who have suffered sexual trauma at the hands of someone who took advantage of a child, I found that eventually the past had to be dealt with. I couldn’t just put it on a “shelf” away from the forefront of my mind and count on it staying there any longer. Eventually memories came out to haunt me when I least expected it —especially during intimate times with my husband.
And even though my husband was and is nothing like either of my abusers, somehow I ended up punishing him for the original pain that he did not afflict upon me. The memories kept poisoning my mind and our love-making experiences. Eventually my husband also became a victim of my past sexual abuse. I kept pushing him away more and more until I couldn’t be intimate with him at all.
Understanding Doesn’t Erase Facts
Yes, Steve understood why I acted as I did (at least he said he did). However, it didn’t erase the fact that he wanted to be close to me, but I couldn’t handle any type of sexual closeness. It was just too painful of a reminder of the hurt I had experienced in my past. So, in essence, my past abuse continued haunting me, as well as my husband. He became another victim of my abusers because we couldn’t be as intimately close to each other as we should be. I eventually saw this and recognized that I needed to put an end to our future victimization.
Something that Dr Archibald Hart said in a past Focus on the Family broadcast rang true in my life. It’s probably applicable to most people who need to deal with childhood sexual abuse.
He said:
“It is understandable that you would continue to struggle with the abuse you went through as a child. Our emotions are so intense when we are young that our wounds and injuries often stay with us for a lifetime. The pain is immeasurably worse when the one who wronged us was a parent or a parent surrogate. Nevertheless, the bitterness you feel today is hurting you. It will continue to haunt you unless you can come to terms with it.”
And that is what I eventually knew I needed to do. It wasn’t until a number of years into our marriage that the Lord started to impress upon me that I had “unfinished business” to work on. I needed to deal with what had happened to me. That’s when I first started the painful process of praying and reaching out to find the help I needed. I needed to settle what had happened to me and begin the process of healing. Healing was needed, not only in my mind, but in my love life with my dear husband.
God Opened My Understanding
God helped me to come to the same conclusion as a statement that Dr Hart made:
“Your [abuser] has stolen your childhood. Don’t let him rob your peace of mind as an adult.”
It had for me. And if you’re experiencing this as well, I plead with you to please reach out for the help you need. It’s important to properly deal with all that happened to you. This is true whether you were a young child or an older one when you were originally victimized.
I pleaded with God to either help me stop the nightmares and flashbacks I was experiencing or help me to die. I couldn’t take it any longer. God spoke to me in a way that made Himself real to me. He let me know that if I was serious, the road would be tough and it would be long. But He also let me know I would get to the point of healing that I desperately needed, if I was willing to take the tough journey. I was and I’m so glad I said, “yes” to God in this.
It Was a Tough Journey
I won’t lie and say that it was an easy journey. It was a very, very painful one. And it took a number of years to get through. Yet, even when I was reaching out for help, I never truly thought I would be able to get to the place where I would be completely healthy and whole in dealing with the sexual abuse in my earlier life and the memories that haunted me for so many years. I was willing for any relief that I could get.
And yet, I can honestly give testimony that God has helped me to do an amazing work. My past is no longer being dragged around in my life. I am healed and I am whole. And my husband and I have an amazing connection in every way in our lives together.
Make It Your Mission
I encourage you that if you are being haunted by your past, DEAL WITH IT. Make it your mission NOT to allow your own mind and your marriage carry the burden of this horrible emotional baggage. Also, work to stop the victimization your abuser pushed onto you, and now, your spouse. Your spouse is now being victimized by this abuser, as well. This is hurting your marital intimacy. Work to get the healing you (both) need.
Persevere and be tenacious in opening every door you need to. Do what it takes to get to a place where your past no longer steals joy and peace from your life.
You will probably need help. Your spouse will eventually need to be a part of the healing process. But most husbands and wives do not know how to unpack such delicate and yet powerful emotions without professional help. Some do, but not many.
You May Need Counseling
If you reach out for help though, be careful. Don’t trust just anyone to help you deal with this type of problem. Not all friends, family members and counselors are “marriage-friendly.” Many of them can actually hurt you and your marriage in the process, more than help it. That’s what recent studies are showing.
I’m all for good counsel, but make sure it’s truly the type of counsel you need. We have several articles posted within the Marriage Counseling & Mentoring Topic that I recommend you read. It’s important that you have a better grasp on this whole thing. And if you need help finding a “Marriage-friendly” counselor, you can look into the Links part of that topic. There are ministries, like Focus on the Family, that you can locate the one who can best help you.
Further Help to Heal from Past Abuse
Also, I found a two articles posted on the Internet that might help you in your, and your husband’s journey to healing. I bring up both you and your husband because essentially, you both became victims when you were sexually abused. You received it first-hand. Your husband has been receiving the repercussions. Both of you are innocent (you didn’t ask for it), and both of you have had your lives changed because of it.
This first article is written by Paul Byerly, posted on The-generous-husband.com web site. In it he explains how he tried to help his wife Lori heal from her past abuse. She was willing to do what needed to be done, but he owned up to his own “stuff.” In other words, he saw that he had some things from his past that contributed to the problem, as well. So they BOTH made it their mission to work on their own issues. As a result, they have a very passionate, loving, and forgiving marital sex life together. I encourage you to read:
• IT’S NOT ALL HER —OR ALL YOU
— ALSO —
Below is a link to the Preachitteachit.org web site where, Pastor Roger Barrier answers the following question:
• HOW DO I COPE IF I’VE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(US) About 2 months before I got married my wife told me that she had been molested as a child. At first I felt betrayed because she and her father seemed to have a close relationship. I couldn’t understand how she could still be close to him when he hurt her in that way. She told me she just learned to deal with it and forgave him because he went to jail and served his time. I asked had she ever recieved any counceling for the matter and she replied no because she just learned to deal with it on her own.
Now we are married and we have no problems except when it comes to sex. I honestly see pain in her eyes when we finally have sex. Her body is so tense that I can tell her mind is in another place. Just recently we began to have sex and she just freaked out and started slapping me in my face. I was not trying to hurt her but in her eyes I was. I want her to seek help about the problem because I love her so much but she refuses. I’m affraid that this situation is gonna end our marriage. I need help in anyway about this matter. Thank you.
(AUSTRALIA) Chris – You don’t mention how long you have been married for? Ideally it would be great if she were willing to get some counseling over this matter. Even if this doesn’t happen, this doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. It may be hard for you to cope with this and possibly feel rejected as a man (as most men not only benefit from sex physically but bond emotionally through sex also), but hang in there.
You have the opportunity to love her through this. To treat her tenderly and gently. Don’t lose it when the sex is really bad, and not satisfactory for you. Support her by allowing her to talk about why sex is difficult for her, but also help her understand why sex a vital part of marriage for you as a man.
Having been married nearly 12 years, I can honestly say that sex started off not all that great for the first few years for me. Two kids and about five years later it got good and then even better. I think often men are ready to fire on all cylinders sexually as soon as they are married, but women (probably even those who have been sexually active before marriage) take some time to adjust to sex and their own sexuality. They can take a while to tune into this part of themselves –even in the absense of any abuse. So be patient!!
(USA) I’m glad to have found this website. I can relate to almost every post. I’ve been married for 17 years but never dealt with the childhood sexual abuse I endured. I’ve never felt emotionally connected to anyone including my husband. We have always gotten along and enjoy each others company. But I’m not physically attracted to him and have never felt safe and love enough I guess, to really let him in.
For years I just endured sex like a chore… then began to drink to make less traumatic for me. I always just thought I wasn’t an emotional person… That’s it and probably because of what happened to me. My husband also suffered childhood abuse, physical not sexual, and his dad abused his mom in front of him.
Last year I met a man while volunteering and the instant we met I felt connected to him and I was totally surprised (he felt the exact same way). Our friendship was so different for me cause I actually felt at peace with him and would catch myself opening up to him. I realized this is how normal people feel when they say things like “I really missed you” or I feel so incomplete without you.” In the past I would think people were mushy and weak making those statements.
Anyway our friendship after 8 months turned into an affair and has turned my life upside down. I’ve cut off contact (after being caught) but it’s killing me. We are trying to work on marriage but turns out we both have a lot of issues. My husband confessed to using pornography for years of marriage and I just don’t trust him emotionally. I’m in counseling now, which is helping but being cut off from the one person that I felt safe with and loved is taking a toll on me.
Even though I believe I need to keep my distance and work on myself it hurts terribly to be without him. After doing lots of research online I’m not sure if my marriage will survive or not but I am sure I have to press on and continue getting professional help regardless…
(US) I’m so glad that I found this website, but I don’t even know where to begin. My parents had a horrible marriage, and divorced when I was 5 or 6 I think. They constantly fought, and my dad drank all the time. We were left with a family friend a lot (my dad worked with the lady’s husband) and they had a daughter and a son. I can’t remember exactly how much older their daughter was than me, but she had to be at least 4-5 years older than me. Her brother was just a baby.
Anyway, I never really thought about them much, until this past year when I saw that their dad (the one my father worked with). This friend requested both my mom and my dad on Facebook (who are now divorced). Up until that point, my relationship with my boyfriend was great. I knew from the minute I met him that I was going to marry him. But ever since I saw that man on my mom and dad’s Facebook pages, things have gone downhill pretty quickly for us. I keep remembering bits and pieces of being at that girl’s house when I was younger, where she molested me. It happened almost everytime I saw her. I wasn’t able to process it when I was little because with my parents in the process of splitting up, I just wanted an older female to be close with.
I looked up to that girl, and she molested me all the time. I didn’t even remember it until I saw her dad on Facebook. Now I keep thinking about everything she did to me and I have nightmares all the time. She would touch me everywhere and get on top of me and hump me until she orgasmed. She would tell me about all the moves that she had seen that she wanted to try on me.
I remember one time my mom came to pick me up, and I guess I was showing symptoms of a UTI so my mom asked me what happened. I told her that we were running around outside and I fell on a stick (which is a lame excuse, but I was 5 or 6 and couldn’t think of what to say). My mom asked me to show her where I had fallen outside and I took her all over their yard, but there weren’t any sticks to blame it on. I don’t remember what my mom did after that, but she was obviously suspicious of the situation. When I would have sleepovers with the girl she would also lay behind me in the spooning position, and she would proceed to hump my butt. She made it sound like a game- she called it “the bobber.”
Ever since all of those memories were triggered, I have been avoiding being intimate with my boyfriend like he has the bubonic plague. We live together, and are planning to get married as soon as we can afford to. I feel awful because he keeps asking me why I don’t want him to touch me or cuddle or anything. He would blame himself for the reason why I never want to have sex anymore, and we fight about it constantly. I’ve made up all sorts of excuses for my behavior, but two nights ago I finally broke down and told him the truth. He was asking me if I wasn’t attracted to him anymore, and asked why I have such a problem with him masturbating to porn if I’m not going to have sex with him. I finally broke down and told him that I was molested by an older girl when I was little, and it happened for a prolonged period of time. That was all I said though.
He told me not to cry, and said that maybe I should go see a therapist. I just want him to understand that even though it was a girl that abused me, I can’t stand when he is constantly groping me and bugging me about sex. It makes me so mad because he does it ALL THE TIME. I wish that he could stop being so selfish and realize that my body is MY body, and that he isn’t entitled to free grabs whenever he feels like it. He obviously doesn’t think about it like that– he just thinks he’s showing me affection. It used to not bother me until all of these memories popped up, and now it really makes me mad. I have such a problem with porn because that girl would re-enact things on me, she had seen from watching porn. I don’t want to cuddle, especially not in the spooning position, because she did that to me and would hump me. I have a feeling that she did much worse things to me, but thankfully, I don’t remember most of it.
I don’t know if my mom really KNOWS what happened. She’s never said anything to me about it. I’m not sure if she was just hoping that I wouldn’t remember, or if she really didn’t know for sure what was going on. It makes me sad because I literally talk to my mom every day (she lives 5 states away from me). I’m almost 25 years old now, and I’m not sure if it’s unnatural for me to talk to my mom every single day, but we have a close relationship. I’ve always felt like I can tell her anything, but this has proven to be an exception. I haven’t said a word to her, but I really want to know if she knows what happened to me. I only briefly mentioned the experience to my boyfriend, and until now, he was the only person on the planet that I’ve told.
I really need advice and don’t know who I can turn to at this point. I don’t want my past to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend, but as the days pass, I find myself more and more withdrawn from everyone. I feel like I’m sinking fast, and don’t know what to do. It’s really weird that my abuser was female, yet I’m absolutely terrified of older men and being left alone with an older guy. Any advice would be much appreciated because I feel so lost right now.
Dear Jess, I don’t usually answer comments dealing with those living together, for many reasons (especially since this is a Christian web site with the mission of revealing the heart of Christ within MARRIAGE). We’re really not looking to help those who aren’t married resolve their sexual problems. You can read through the “Sex Before Marriage” topic, which will explain more on this issue. But even so, I have to tell you that I feel compelled to reach out to you as one woman who was sexually abused before marriage to another who is now facing what has happened to her in the past. I sense the love and compassion God has for you very deeply.
First, please let me express my deepest sorrow for you. This is one of the most devastating things that could ever happen to anyone –to have someone take advantage of you sexually –whether it’s a man or a woman, it’s wrong in every way imaginable. As I read your comment I instantly felt your pain and have been mourning and praying for you, since. It’s so very wrong, what happened to you. You were going through such a hurtful, confusing time as it was, and then to have someone do this to you, just multiplies the pain! I’m so sorry you were subjected to that.
What compounds the confusion even more is that when you are young, you are trying to figure out so many things. Life can get confusing, even for adults, and especially when there is family conflict going on! When you take the adult-level matters you had heaped upon you with your parents marriage issues, and all the confusion that came with it, and then you have someone older abusively approach you like she did (time after time), it’s no wonder that you suppressed your memories. This is more than even adults could work through –let alone a child. She took total advantage of you when you were most vulnerable and it stinks in every way possible.
Sadly, you are now discovering that suppressed memories have a way of working themselves back up to the surface eventually. They’re something like a beach balls you try to keep under water. You can manage to keep them submerged for a while –even a long while, but eventually, they find their way back up to the surface one by one, and won’t go away.
No matter who you ARE with… no matter who you WILL BE with, or WON’T BE with, this is a matter that will find a way to haunt and menace you until (unless) you get the proper help to deal with it. Some try to rationalize it and push it away by various methods –thinking that all is and will be fine, but it won’t stop it. It will only delay matters. It HAS to be properly dealt with or it will keep popping up and haunting and victimizing you and whoever you are with now and in the future.
When you marry, your husband will become a victim of your abuser, as well. He will do things that will uncover memories and you will not be able to handle. Even innocent gestures and/or words will trigger thoughts and feelings that will cause problems. They will get twisted around. That’s what past abuse can do to us. And then that will make him another victim of your abuser. It will not be your fault, but it isn’t his either.
THAT is why you need to get help from a good therapist to uncover and then deal with each memory so they don’t keep invading your thoughts and everyday life.
I wish I could shout it from the housetops for victims to do what it takes so their lives aren’t ruined by past abuse. I can tell you from personal experience that when you DO get help, you can eventually stop the victimization from continuing. It will not be easy to work through the whole matter. But as a former victim, I can tell you that there is freedom on the other side. I’m no longer plagued by my past. I’m no longer a victim and neither is my husband. We have a great marriage and a lovely life together.
There was a time when I never would have believed it would be possible to escape the memories. The nightmares, the memories that were continually triggered here and there were more than I could take. Eventually I prayed, asking the Lord to help me. I told Him I would do ANYTHING to stop the memories from ambushing me (and our marriage) continually. When I was willing to do anything, and I seriously took it to the Lord to help me, I started a journey to healing. It was a tough road, but I’m SO glad I took it. The freedom and release –no longer being a hostage to past abuse, is better than I could ever describe. There is joy beyond abuse. I hope and pray that for you. I hope you will do whatever it will take to stop the victimization from continuing in your life. I sense that you are a very special person who deserves more than what you had happen to you in your past. May you find that freedom as you reach for it!
(USA) My wife of 30 years was sexually abused as a child. Before starting therapy, she thought that we were growing apart and mentioned a possible divorce. Then she said she felt she was “more attracted to women than men”. Now she is no longer sure she wants to stay married, no matter where the therapy leads, no matter how much healing occurs or what conclusion she reaches about her sexuality. I am trying not to push, but I am devastated.
We are sleeping in different rooms because of abuse issues 55 years ago (we are both about 60). I can live with that temporarily and won’t push for immediate return to intimacy. I will support her in all she does, but feel like a fool that she is no longer “sure” if marriage is right.
I love her and feel she is not yet telling the truth. There is no yelling or abuse in our very cordial lives, but this is driving me crazy. I don’t want a therapist for myself, I simply want my wife back. What am I to do? These last 3 months have removed all self-dignity and confidence from me.
(UNITED STATES) Scott, I know that you are about twice my age so you might not want to take advice from a man half your age on marital issues. However for the last 15 almost 16 years I’ve known of my wife’s child abuse, but knowing about it, and facing it with her are 2 completely different things. I’ve posted in this blog a few times, and my message to both the abuse victim, and their spouse is the same. Communicate with each other. Here is what happened between me, and my wife on Dec. 23rd of 2011, and it has thoroughly turned our marriage around:
(quoted from my Dec. 23rd post) Here is how my wife, and I finally broke through the wall my wife had put up 24 years ago at 6 years old, and she finally allowed me completely into her heart after 17 years together, and 14 years of marriage. For the last 2 days I spent hours typing a letter to my wife about our life together, and things I had picked up about how her abuse had actually affected our relationship over the last 17 years. I left it open on the screen for her to read this morning with the screen itself off so when she turned the monitor on there it would be hoping that she would check her emails, or something, see it, and then read it, but she didn’t.
So this evening when we headed out of state to a store about 45 minutes away from us where she had put a lay away on hold about a month ago I decided this was the best possible time to attack the wall head on since we were alone having left our younger 2 sons home with our 14 year old son, and 12 year old daughter. I started by talking to her about when we first met, and then about OUR first time. Then moving slowly through my prayer for God to send me the woman I should marry, and us running into each other on our bikes, and then her slipping on a concrete pad in the creek, and me catching her, and knowing as I held her, and looked into her eyes that she was the answer to that prayer.
Then our first time, and the fact that even though I did love her even at that time, my reasons for asking her permission to touch her, and have sex with her at 13 simply weren’t good enough looking back now. I wish I could have known about her abuse at the time, and how that would have at the very least, changed my timing. From what I had read in one of the articles that is linked to in this article, even though I had asked her permission for every step of the process of our first 20 or 30 times she probably didn’t think that she had a choice, and that the reason she had tensed up wasn’t just because it was her first time, but also because she probably felt helpless.
As the conversation progressed, and we started getting into the details of her sexual abuse by her baby sitter (her father’s best friend), and physical, and verbal abuse by her father. I began to explain to her that though originally I didn’t understand why she had cheated on me during the spring before she told me about her abuse, that after she told me about it I kind of was able to understand better that she didn’t feel she had a choice once she was alone with those guys, and that even in our first time she probably felt like she was just that helpless little 6 year old girl again every time. This part of the conversation was my healing letting her know how what happened to her affected me as well.
As she described her pain, and torment at his hands in excruciating detail she finally opened up to me so completely that it seems that we have finally, totally merged like 2 trees that had been planted so close together they grew into one tree. We finally have everything out in the open, and though love making between us is not unheard of by any means (in fact we usually make love at least twice a week) when we got home, and we made love without that emotional wall between us. It was the best we had ever had, and I mean EVER.
Only time will tell for certain if she, by completely opening up to me, has found that closure she needs. But the look in her eyes has changed so drastically, and she finally seems to understand that the reason why I have been trying to get her to open up about it was because it was making her feel worthless or as you put it, like a piece of meat. However, I wanted her to know that in my eyes she was special, and worth more than ANYTHING I could ever attain. (end quote)
It sounds to me like you need to do what I did. Plan out the conversation, and talk to her about your lives, and how the abuse she suffered so long ago had affected every aspect of your relationship. Let her know how much you love her, and that no matter what she decides you will always love her, and be her strong shoulder to cry on. Is it hard? Yes, it was without a doubt the most painful conversation of my life. Just hearing the details of what she went through made my blood boil with rage wishing I could snap that pervert’s neck. However I can’t, mainly because I don’t know his address. Though even if I did that isn’t the answer.
The conversation we had has healed our relationship to an extent I didn’t think was possible, and that is what she needed. If I were a betting man I’d say that’s what your wife probably needs as well. She needs to know that you are willing to reach down, and take hold of that burden she’s been carrying all of these years, and help her carry it.
(USA) I was molested starting at age 4 by my grandfather; from then on, by both my older brothers. Then at 12/13, by my step-father. I hate men. I think they are all pigs. Even Christian men lust after woman. I constantly see my husband (a Christian) lusting and it breaks my heart thinking God made men this way. I can’t even trust my husband.
I have forgiven my abusers. I thought I was freed, until these trust issues surfaced in my marriage -which my husband blames on the abuse. I still think even if I wasn’t abused, his wandering eye and lust problems STILL validate my thoughts on men. If a man says he doesn’t lust after woman, he’s a liar. I thought men were made to protect women? Yet, they watch porn, which degrades women. They look at us like we are objects of pleasure; that our only purpose is to satisfy their ‘needs’. I just have a very bad view of men and I hate that I can’t trust them.
(UNITED STATES) Lulu, You need to talk to your husband about all of this, and if he won’t listen tell him to post on here what his thoughts are.
I wish I could say you’re wrong, but I can’t. Most men do lust after all women. I however, only lust after my wife whom I love very much. It’s to the point that I try not to look at other women. Do I admire the beauty of other women? Sure, I can see a woman other than my wife, and think she’s beautiful, but I have no desire for any kind of sexual relationship with other women. Of course it probably helps that we’ve been together since we were 13 years old, and have spent most of our lives together.
I really think that your husband would greatly benefit from reading the messages on this site from other abuse victims like you, and the spouses of other abuse victims like myself.
(PAKISTAN) I was sexually abused when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. When I get married, does this childhood sexual abuse effect maritial life? Please tell me.
(UNITED STATES) Saima, Sadly the answer to this question is yes. However, it is not the end of your life, and doesn’t mean that you can’t have a happy marriage. Just be open, and honest about it with your husband, and if he truly loves you then he’ll understand, and he’ll be there for you, like I am for my wife.
(PHOENIX) I was touched and raped since I was just 8. I have always been very sexual because I belive that’s the only way I can feel loved. But each time I have sex I start having flashbacks. I keep it to myself and nobody knows. Now I’m married and everything was okay till I had my daughter. I can’t trust him. I’m very over protective and I’m terrified for my daughter sake. Now I’m always in a terrible mood and my spouse hates me for it.
(UNITED STATES) Rosa, Your story reminds me very much of my wife. (Our story is on the last couple of pages in my other posts.) She was molested by her baby sitter from the time she was 5 till she was about 7 or 8. As she got older she was promiscuous, and after she had our daughter she thickened the wall she had put up to protect herself when she was little to the point that we hardly talked, and she didn’t really trust me alone w/ our daughter. It took her until our daughter was 8 years old before she started opening back up to me any at all, emotionally, and sexually.
You need to do a few things. First you need to stop comparing your husband to your abuser. The only thing they have in common is that they’re men. Then you need to talk to your husband, and let him know what’s the matter. I guarantee that he is very confused by your cold shoulder especially if things had been going good between you. Remember this is the man that you chose to be there for you for better or worse, in sickness, and health, so allow him to help you carry this burden with you. The moment you two said I do your past became his past, and vise verse. Don’t let your abuser steal years from your marriage because you won’t share your pain with your husband.
Drop your daughter off at your parent’s house or his parent’s house, and find the time to sit down with him alone uninterrupted, and tell him everything. It’ll be painful but well worth it in the end if it saves your marriage. I was the one who did the work of opening the line of communication between me and my wife back in December, and ever since we had that talk our relationship has been better than it ever was before.
(UAE) I had been sexually abused by my father when I was 4. My mom get divorce, then he passed away when I was 8. My mom remarried and my step father did not have sexual contact with me but he touched me in all sorts of places till I get 12. I was really afraid to talk to someone about that especially with my mom. Anyway when everything came up she divorced him too.
I continued to hold the guilt and dirtiness till I came to know Christ as Lord and my Savior. That happened when I was 16. Then I went for college, met a guy and we had sex. I met another guy we had sex… and so on. Quite the college experience… Somehow I woke up working as a prostitute; wanted to quit with my life. In this hell I remembered God. I started praying and asking Him to help me, and He did!
Shortly after I start praying I got married, fallen in love for the first time. He is an amazing men. He loves me and my past does not bother him. Now we are married for 7 years. I love him more than life itself. He doesn’t know that I struggle in the bed. I cannot get an orgasm or even pleasure. I don’t want to start saying all my feelings and pains.
Getting to the point- I know watching porn is sin! I hate sin! I am not addicted. I watched it a few times, and it’s the only way I get an orgasm. I am pregnant 21 weeks. I feel stuck! I need help. I cannot share my story with a real person. I am trying to share it to God. He seems silent and I don’t wonder why.
(USA) You do need to talk to a real person, and that person would be a counselor. A marriage friendly counselor. Is there a human services department in your city that has counselors you can see? Go make an appointment so you can work out your issues.
(USA) Hello! I need help, please! I’m a fighter and want to save our marriage but she wants to be separated because I’m too clingy and want sex all the time. The past few days my eyes are opening up and getting the point across that she doesn’t want to have sex because she was sexually abused as a child. The only time we have sex is when she’s drunk. What does that mean? Why? When she is sober she doesn’t want to be touched. It is so hard, because I work 14 hours out of the day and get to see her maybe an hour. I dont think that is too clingy. I miss her, and love her so much. How do I confront her that she needs help and needs to tell her mom that her mom’s brother was involved with the sexual abuse? It is so frustrating and depressing that she doesn’t love me back, but I want to help her so this doesn’t happen in her next relationship if she decides to move on without me. Please help. And why does she dress so sexy when she goes out to the bar like she’s single? I don’t say anything but that she looks gorgeous.
(USA) I have seen a few comments about Marriages where the husband was abused, but I still don’t know what to do. My husband was given up for adoption by his teenage mother when he was 4. This alone was traumatizing for him, since he had been living under the impression that his mother was his sister and her parents were his mom and dad. So not only does he find out that no one is who he thinks they are, but he also gets told that they no longer want him at all.
He was placed in foster care for the next 5 years, until he was adopted at age 9. In the second or third foster home he had, (so he was probably 6 or 7) the couple had 2 boys of their own, one a teenager. This boy repeatedly molested my husband until he was eventually moved to another home. He never told anyone. Part of his adoption process was counseling, and his mother says he hinted at what happened, but never came out and said it.
We have been together for 5 years, married for 1, and I have always felt that this affects our lives, and not just intimately. My husband had been told all through high school that he would make an excellent teacher, and he did have a strong desire to teach. He gave up this dream though, because he says he knows that men who were sexually abused as children are much more likely to abuse others and he couldn’t handle that thought. He would NEVER hurt a child!
I feel angry at his abuser that this has caused him to give up his dream and go on a different career path. I also feel hurt that he never seems to want to be intimate. I always have asked a day or two ahead of time. I don’t know if this allows him to wrap his head around it all or what, I just know that when I try to be spontaneous, he always turns me down, which makes me feel very unattractive and unwanted. I know that what happened to him is not about me, I just can’t help feeling hurt by his rejection. We are now trying to make a family, and while I have always wanted children, I am afraid that I am experiencing such a strong desire for one right now so that I will have someone around who shows unfiltered affection and love towards me. I also worry that if the child is boy, my husband will unintentionally distance himself, and in turn, rob our child of the father/son relationship every kid deserves.
I’ve tried talking to him in the past about this, I just never know what to SAY. When I suggested that the abuse might be the reason he never wants to be intimate, his response was to sigh and say “Oh, probably.” And then he didn’t want to talk anymore. He is seeing a therapist right now, but I don’t know if he planning on telling him about what happened. Like I said earlier, he has abandonment issues stemming from being given up at age 4 that he wants to work through, and I feel as though he wants to pretend it didn’t happen.
How can I help him? I love him so much, and it kills me to see the pain in his eyes, and to be rejected by him when all I want to so is show him how much I love him.
(USA) Well Amanda, your husband sounds like my wife. I hate being rejected if I even hold her hand. It’s like pulling teeth, and she rolls her eyes. It’s so hard for me because I don’t take rejection very well as I’m pretty sensitive. I feel like I’m a good romantic kind of man that treats his wife as a queen, but tired of no affection from her. I know how you feel. I hope we can get help, but don’t know if they are willing to get it or express their gut feeling. Why dont they just tell someone. It has to be the biggest weight ever lifted off of them. I guess it’s not easy.
Here are some things that I found that might help in being with your spouse that has been molested:
1. Educate yourself on the effects of sexual abuse
2. Dont push your spouse to talk about it
3. Dont ever presure your spouse into having sex
4. Be sensitive but not pitying
5. Above all… be patient
Hope this helps for your sake; I hope we can help them.
(USA) I came across this when doing a google search on dealing with molestation after marriage. My husband and I have been married almost a year and when we are intimate, I get intense feelings of wanting to escape. I deal with major rage and if he were to tell me he was wanting me or grabs me, I get these rage and anger feelings all over again.
I pray all the time asking God to deliver me from these feelings, give me understanding and help me. I battle feelings of wanting to hit myself and at times have punched my head for unknown reasons that I have only been able to gage as my way of coping with the intense feelings even though it’s not a healthy way to cope. I don’t know where to go to get help. I feel as though my husband does not understand any of these feelings and only feels rejected then at times tries to emotionally manipulate to get his way, which only makes things worse. It’s a horrible misery that seems never ending. I am tired of feeling dirty and need real help.
(CANADA) I’ve read quite a few stories on here and my heart goes out to you all who suffering with the fact that you were sexually abused and or raped, because I was too. I was sexually abused by my Dad and a neighbor. I remember vivid flashbacks from the time I was about six until about fourteen. I was living in the past for so long. It was overtaking my life and after trying 15 years of different counseling styles I found a wonderful Christian counsellor who helped me work through a lot of those issues. I was also date raped by my daughter’s father but forgave him because God forgives me. I still speak to him to this day.
But I don’t want to be close to my boyfriend and when he touches me. I usually shrug him off saying don’t touch me. He probably doesn’t understand but when I’m intimate with someone it makes me feel dirty and I’m not worthy of any pleasure. So therefore I’d rather make up excuses to not have to be intimate. I also know that I’ve forgiven my Dad as he was abused as a child and that helps me make sense of it all. I am still looking for reasons. When I figure them out I may be on the road to recovery. There is HOPE out there. Just keep plugging on.
(UNITED STATES) I have been with my wife for 9 years and have 2 children with her. She just told me a couple of days ago that she was raped when she was 14 by 2 inividuals but won’t tell me who they are. I love her but I just can’t get over it and can’t even have sex with her now. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How can I cope with this?
Jason, when someone is raped, it cascades down through the years where many, many people can become victimized by it, because of the effects that horrible violation. I can understand why this is a shock to you, upon finding out what happened to your wife. But please know that no one asks to be raped. They are forced into it. And from that moment in time on, it works in their mind and upon their future actions, discoloring everything (unless they are able to completely deal with it in healthy, therapeutic ways –but even then, there will be scarring effects –that’s just the way it is).
Your wife HAS to have trust issues going on inside of her. That’s part of what happens. And the fact that it took her all these years to tell you says something in itself. She couldn’t hold onto this horror alone. So she trusted you with it. The fact that she won’t tell you who they are, tells me that she probably is working with a “lets wait and see” mentality, as to what you will do with it. Will you violate her trust, as well? Are you trustworthy to give more information to, and still let her have control of what should be done with it? She’s working with control issues in her mind right now. She lost control when she was raped, but she doesn’t want to be further violated by losing control of what is to be done about it, and when that is to happen.
By your not getting “over it” where you “can’t even have sex with her now” you are further violating her. She has to be feeling like you are punishing her for being raped. I’m sure this isn’t your intent, but if you crawl into her mind right now, you can see why should could feel this way. She got raped. She couldn’t let that rape (for whatever reason she has put together in her mind) be made public. She trusted you and told you. She most likely feels she is now being judged and punished for it by the one she trusted with this secret.
Rape victims have a real good way of taking something that WASN’T THEIR FAULT and thinking that certainly it must have been their fault in some way. So when you back away from her, you can cause her to spiral into that false type of thinking, all the more. There is a war going on within her. Part of her knows she didn’t ask to be raped and that she couldn’t have prevented it, but false ideas are playing in her mind that cause her to think, “Well, what if I had done this, or wouldn’t have done that… maybe that could have prevented it or stopped it.” It’s a horrible place to be. The “what if’s” are killers because you can’t do anything about them except to let them further haunt you or put them away from you in healthy ways.
I’ll confess something to you Jason. I had two different relatives violate me sexually (at different times in my life). For years, I was able to dismiss this, thinking that I was victimized, but that I survived and could go on with my life as if nothing had happened. I thought that what was done to me didn’t effect who I was and how I would live out the rest of my life. WRONG!!! Eventually, it all caught up with me psychologically and emotionally. It was buried deep inside, festering and eventually worked its way to the surface. I told my then, husband to be, that which I needed to get out. I trusted him with information that I hadn’t been able to trust anyone with before. And I’ll tell you, he became my hero in the way he took it in and loved me through it. He didn’t tell me what to do with the info, but told me that he was there for me and loved me all the more that I trusted him and that I lived my life as well as I had, despite how I was violated.
Years later, more of the festering came to the surface and it affected him in the way that I shunned him sexually. I couldn’t get images, touches and such, out of my mind and so I kept him at a distance. Again, my husband showed himself to be my hero. He helped me through the healing part of that (even though he became a victim of what was done to me, as well) and let me handle these relatives the way that I felt I needed to. He sometimes made suggestions, but always let me take control of ultimately, what I would do with it. One relative I confronted and eventually God gave me forgiveness for him and reconciliation in our relationship. The other relative, I never saw again (and my husband never met because of geographical distance), because he died before I was ready to confront him. I see that as God’s mercy for me and mercy for others because he was a pedophile –I found out that he had done the same thing to an older cousin before he had done that to me. I wish I would have confronted him, but I didn’t. And now, he is in God’s hands.
Jason, I tell you all of this to say that you are in a very important position right now. If you try to take over and control what your wife does with this info (whether she ever tells you who they are, or confronts them, or not) and you continue to withdraw from her sexually, at a time when she needs deep assurance from you that you are her partner in every way and you stand by her, I’m afraid that this will kill something within your relationship. Let me tell you one thing that meant SO much to me. When my husband found out what had happened to me, first before marriage and then more after marriage, he treated my one relative (that he HAD met) as I asked him to. I asked him NOT to treat him badly. I knew I couldn’t have taken that. I needed to sort things out in my mind. If he would have acted as his judge, I would have been dealing with him and this relative and I needed his support in every way. The fact that my husband showed unconditional grace to this relative, when I asked him to, caused me to respect and love him all the more. I know that if I would have asked him to shun this man, he would have done that, as well. He was MY partner… he didn’t act out on his own. That gave me grace and space to work things through in my mind and to reach for healing, which I did.
If you need to talk to a therapist about this, then please ask your wife if you can. I encourage you to confess to her that you haven’t known what to do with the information that you had and that you withdrew –not because she did anything wrong, but because you were confused. But PLEASE work to get to a place where you are in complete partnership with her. Be her cheerleader –one who believes in her and backs her up, to best work through all of the horror that she has going on deep within side of her. Please don’t withdraw, but be there in the ways she needs you to be, as her marital partner. My husband did and I can tell you that it was healing. I trust him with all that is within me. He has shown me that he is that kind of person. I no longer mistrust men, or wrestle with what happened in my past. I am an over-comer and what happened to me is not my identity. God is in control and I am right behind Him… May God be praised! I hope your wife will get to that place. It is a place that is so freeing and redemptive. May the Lord help her and you to come together as partners, more than ever before.
(UNITED STATES) It’s just too hard to deal with. I keep thinking I got over it when all of the sudden it comes back again. I was sexually molested by 2 males from age 6 to 13. I still hate one of them, the last one. I hate my mom and, but I hate myself more. I was 9 when the second started abusing me. I now think that I should have said something back then. The reason why I didn’t is because my mom physically abused me and my brother. This guy was the only one who sometimes protected me from being hit so much. I was only 9, almost 10.
Here is when I hate myself even more, when I think that I was really young and I let him do this to me as a pay for protection. Why I didnt love myself more? Maybe I should have let my mother hit me as much, but not let him touch me. I feel I had a choice, and I chose to pay with sex. The physical abuse was way too much. One time she baked a cake, and told us not to eat it. My brother 10 and me, 9, couldn’t resist. We cut a small piece. When she came home from work and asked us, we of course, lied. I decided to tell the truth… She bit us so bad that blood was coming from my head, my legs were so bruised that I couldn’t even lay on the bed for days. Then she gave us a pair of scissors and told us to cut our hair. I started at the ends hoping the she would change her mind, she didn’t. My brother and I cut our hair and then we shaved our heads.
Punishment was really bad from our mom for any reason. It could be because we didn’t wash the dishes right, or because we didn’t make the bed right. She used to tell me on a daily basis that I wasn’t even good enough to be a prostitute –to be a prostitute you have to use your brain. I remember being always scared, feeling emptiness in my stomach everyday. Now years later, sometimes I feel scared, the same physical symptoms as back then and I hate it. I hate myself for that. Sometimes I see a little girl, and I see myself when I was 6 or 7 and she smiles, and she is always happy. I think she smiles because she enjoys when I’m down and smiles when I’m suffering. I hate her!!! She disgusts me. She is so dirty; she is so low. I just want her to go away. She comes to my mind every now and then with the big smile, and it feels like she tells me “you deserved to suffer; it’s ok to suffer what are you expecting? Are you expecting to be happy? It’s ok whatever bad happens; it’s ok. That’s the way it should be.”
It’s not. I refuse that fate. I now try and try, but the wound bleeds every now and then, and it takes me back to the starting point. Now I’m in my late 20’s, mom of two girls that I love so much, but I feel sorry they have a mom like me. I asked God to let me have a baby so I can stop being depressed, so I can have meaning in my life. That was a selfishness request. I thought about me. I didn’t know how hard was going to be. I have twin girls. My sadness has lessened but the pain and the anger are still here. On the other hand, my bf baby’s father, tells me over and over that he will leave me. I TOLD HIM WHAT I WENT THROUGH recently, and he understood, but he sometimes forgets. Sometimes he gets mad because I’m so cold when it comes to having sex. I do enjoy it but I don’t care for it that much.
We’re going through so many problems lately. He recently told me that he feels sorry for me because if he leaves, I’m gonna be so unhappy and lonely because I can’t make a man happy. I need to go back to the little girl and talk to her and love her. Someone told me it’s because the little girl is hurt and sad. But I’m so scared. I just want her to go away. I’m still with my boyfriend even though so many thigs happened between us. Honestly, it’s because I feel he can help me to take care our girls so nothing can happen to them. Obviously a step father is out of the question. I will never have another man under the same roof with my kids. I don’t need one. I was born by myself. I’m just so confuised.