Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

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Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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514 responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

  1. I have been married for 23 years and on September 13, 2015. I got an email from a lady holding a baby and telling me it is my husbands. She was telling me that they have been together for 9+ years. She wanted me to know because he broke the relationship off with her. He wanted her to get rid of the baby but she said it was to late she was already 6 months pregnant. She now has the baby. She trys to get a hold of me to be friends. He is begging me back and my whole world is turned upside down. The women says she is not with him and he says that he has not been with her since he found out she was pregnant. I don’t know what to belive. he has told me what she says is everything and he is telling me very little. I am trying to keep my head so that my kids are ok.

    I want to hate him, but inside I have always loved him. Trying to make it through minute by minute. I feel like I can’t get over this hurt. I really need help!

    1. I am so sorry that your husband betrayed you in this way. I just want to reach out to you and give you a big squeeze :( I hope that things are going better for you now even though I imagine the hurt still continues on.

  2. Well, she cheated on me with her male best friend. Now I can’t sleep and wonder if she is still cheating on me. We have a 3 year old and have been together for 5 years. Why do women have no feelings for the men they cheat on?

  3. My wife and I have been together for almost 18 yrs and married for 16. We have 4 kids from 5-16. Several years ago I had an online affair with someone that she found out about. She was able to get past it, but I did it again a couple years later. Nothing ever physical, but still it was cheating. She forgave me again, even though these would come up in arguments, but nonetheless moved on.

    I let myself get pulled into it once more but this time I took it too far and cheated on her. I kept this relationship online for almost a year before making the biggest mistake of my life. When she found out this time it was the breaking point. She didn’t leave me and didn’t kick me out of our house; we talked/cried a lot and she allowed me to stay. She told me that she couldn’t connect to me emotionally anymore, and it was apparent in bed, as she is very emotionally cold.

    Over the last 7 months I have done everything I could think of to show her that I was sorry and that I could never hurt her in this way again. I see what I’ve done to her and I couldn’t imagine hurting her like this. She has told me that she was trying, but I found out that she has been talking to someone like I was. She said she wanted me to feel pain like I made her. Part of me understands that I probably deserved this, but part of me feels like 4 months of me trying to repair what I broke was taken from me. She says that she doesn’t know how to forgive me and that she is emotionally empty.

    It was hard to see how she talked to him and what she sent him, things that I have wanted all these years. I’m at a loss on how to fix our marriage and how to make her believe me one last time. I know I don’t exactly deserve it but I can’t see myself without her and I have taken myself and will remain out of the ways that allowed me into positions to talk to another woman. I am 100% committed to earning her back, but I don’t know the ways other then what I have already done. None of the things I’ve done have seemed to get us even one step towards repairing. Please help me fix what I have broken.

      1. Mike, We (Marriage Missions) like to wait and see if our regular bloggers respond first. But since it’s been 8 days I will offer you a few thoughts. In reality there isn’t anything I can say that can “fix” your situation. I remember reading your post back on 10/21 and what came to mind is that you’re a “serial cheater.” I’m pretty sure you’d disagree with that assessment, but let’s look at the facts.

        You had three emotional affairs – with the third going into the actual physical act. Now, let me ask you: If your wife had three emotional and 1 physical affair, how easy would it be for you to forgive and move on? All your wife has to go on is your past behavior. And if you’re not aware, women (our wives) have VERY LONG memories. You broke her trust in you three times, with the third coming almost to the point of no return.

        I say “almost” because all things are possible, even repairing broken trust and renewing a marriage. But it won’t happen in 7…or 10 months. It may take several years – but only IF you are willing to put some hard work into it. I’m thinking you will most likely need to see a counselor who (if they are trained in saving marriages) can help the both of you work through your trust issues.

        Something else you’ll need to do is get yourself into a group like Celebrate Recovery that has a very good structured program for people with sexual addictions. I’m only guessing here, but you probably had/have a problem with porn. That is usually the gateway to affairs. Even if you haven’t been addicted to porn, you still have an addiction to cheating. And you need accountability – just like if you were a recovering alcoholic.

        I will say it’s good you have come to some understanding of the level of hurt that your wife has gone through. But it will take more than that to win her heart back. If you want to begin to know what your wife needs from you, her husband, you can start by reading articles on our web site in the For Married Men section. I would also suggest you read the article called, “Why Some Spouses Give Up” in the Save My Marriage section. That one will shed some light on why your wife feels the way she does right now. I hope you will understand the symbolism in the article and how it relates to your wife.

        Mike, it doesn’t have to be too late. We pray that it won’t be too late. You can read some of the testimonies in the Save My Marriage section to get some encouragement from others whose marriages were in crisis. I don’t know if any of this will connect with you, but this is what I felt I needed to share with you. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

    1. I am recently going through a similar situation and the only advice I have is don’t give up. My husband of 14 years has cheated online a couple of times. Last week I found emails on his phone and after some searching I found out he had a craigslist account in which he was posting ads for woman he could please as a married man. He swears he has never actually met with anyone but I just don’t know what to believe since he did respond to some postings from other woman. I feel so betrayed, angry, hurt, and so many emotions that at times I feel I can’t breathe. So I can understand why she did what she did. Hurting you is a step in her healing process as immature as that might sound but sometimes it helps. Don’t be discouraged and if you truly love her continue to let her know. I hope that you can both communicate and work through the pain and most of all may God give you both the patience you will need for your relationship to heal and blossom.

    2. I’m so sorry for your pain. I hope you have taken steps towards getting the therapy you need to figure out what is at the heart of your cheating. Perhaps your wife would be better off with another partner who is able to be loyal-letting her go might be the greatest gift you could offer her.

  4. We just had our tenth year wedding anniversary and I found out that my hubby betrayed me. He slept with someone who was helping him in his biz. I had a weird feeling recently and therefore decided to check on him when he was staying at a hotel to prepare for his stuff. The day before I sensed something was not right when I saw the lady that was helping him. So I warned him that he’d better not do anything to destroy our family. Yesterday, when I went to find him and took his phone, I saw her naked photo. I was devastated. My world crashed!!! I wanted to die.

    I nearly jumped in front of a car to die but in the end I didn’t. The ironic thing was that cos I sensed that something was amiss, I brought my kids to his room to play in the daytime. He purposefully rushed back just to spend 10 mins with the kids, which I thought was so sweet. But that night he did it with the girl. I found the girl’s naked photo in his phone. I really feel like dying. I have kids… I dunno what to do. My world crashed. I am a full time mum with no income cos I gave up my job to look after my kids.

    1. Jane, I’m so sorry for this horrible situation. I can’t even imagine the sense of betrayal you are feeling. Please know that right now, you are overwhelmed, but eventually you will be able to think straighter. Your children need for you to get your mind to a better place. They don’t deserve to have their mom hurt or kill herself. Later in life they will think that it is their fault thinking, “wasn’t I enough for my mom to make the decision to live?” Kids are like that. Please don’t put this horrible burden upon them because your husband decided to be unfaithful. Shame on him… but for you… choose to get to a better place emotionally (which you will eventually, if you lean towards healing.

      Please read through the articles, quotes, testimonies and such that we have posted on this web site on the issue of adultery and infidelity, gleaning through and living out the things you learn that could help you. It will be a type of therapy, which will help you emotionally and maritally, as you pray and lean into the healing the Lord can give you. I hope you will and pray that God will minister to your heart and to your needs as you lean upon Him, rather than your own understanding of all that is in front of you.

  5. I’m sorry to say, that even with your disclaimer from the top of this article, there is a large deal of bias against men. As I read through the article, I see plenty of simple changes which could have been made to neutralize the gender and make the information more applicable to both. To think this article was actually published in a book “Torn Asunder” by Moody Publishers. I’ll use the VERY FIRST paragraph as an example:

    “After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and SHE needs the freedom to ventilate HER rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.”
    (Capitalization is mine to highlight gender specific words)

    Two simple changes any good publisher or editor would have caught and should have caught: (Deleting one word and changing another)

    “The betrayed spouse will be angry, and needs the freedom to ventilate THEIR rage.”

    What gives me the right to be so critical? I am a betrayed male spouse. When we (the betrayed spouses) are out there looking for support and answers, it is simple grammatical gender errors such as this which make us feel angry or insulted! It makes us question the validity of the message being delivered by the author(s).

    At the end of the Article, you state:

    “The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers.”

    If true, this book is extremely poorly written with gender errors presenting themselves within single sentences! I cannot overlook such simplistic care when writing about such a life changing, devastating, and important topic! Did the author not care in so much as to ensure his message was true and neutral? If he didn’t care, then why should spouses of either gender trust him to deliver accurate and reliable advice?

    This really angered me as I searched for help and guidance on how to move forward AFTER infidelity of the spouse! It detracted from the message I suspect was intended and creates a divide between male and female victims of the same marital distress.

    In closing, please consider your audience and the hurting spouses (both males and females) who are in search of help and guidance. Some cannot afford professional support and help, and the internet may be the only resource they have.

    -Betrayed Male Spouse in Purgatory

  6. Okay, so I’m fresh into the pain now. My wife and I decided mutually that we should separate because we’ve had a very rocky marriage (only 2 years of a three year relationship). It’s difficult because we DO love each other; however, we have compatability issues and I have, admittedly, some luggage that I haul around that just makes it difficult to deal with me at times. So, I digress, I moved out on Tuesday. Keep in mind that we had talked about not disrespecting one another by dating while were in the same home.

    Well, Tuesday night my spidey-sense was going off so I stalked her. I cannot condone my behavior; however, it proved to be fruitful. 5 hours after I moved my belongings to an apartment, I see my wife walking into the house with another man. So, apparently it doesn’t take her long to get over me but I’m still not over her. I’m absolutely crushed from this. Even though we’re separated and most likely won’t reconcile (even less likely now) I feel betrayed, angry, inadequate, lonely, sad, confused, and every other emotion that I can’t think of, excluding happy!

    Am I wrong to be upset? She swears that nothing happened but he was there for a LONG time (over 5 hours). I’m not stupid and she knows it but she’s trying to play it off like I’m just being the jealous husband and I’m overreacting. She still tells me that she loves me but that I need to learn to love myself before I can love another. I agree. It’s hard to love myself right now because I just feel like one big sucker! I just want to be over the pain. I’m trying everything that I can, meditation, exercise, distraction but I still can’t shake the horrible thoughts of him and her together. It’s absolutely devastating. My God, when does the pain lighten up? Hurting husband

  7. PLEASE HELP ME. MY HUSBAND DID THE AFFAIR STUFF IN PROCESS OF ME GREIVING/ anger stage 4 more times like process each time–I STUFFED PAIN. I THOUGHT I FORGAVE THOUGH, AND WAS TOLD HE CONFESSED ALL. I was NOT EASY TO LIVE WITH, ANGRY ALL THE TIME, YET I THOUGHT I FORGAVE!!! 10 yrs later… I almost died, he decided to tell me… I didn’t confess all, I HAD A HOOKER– O MY GOODNESS; I FLIPPED OUT– I took the kids and RAN AWAY AS FAR AS I COULD. I IGNORED HIS PLEAS, ETC.

    THEN GOD GAVE ME TRUE FORGIVENESS. And SHOWED ME I NEEDED SOME TOO– I’m READY TO HEAL WITH HIM. HE NOW SAYS NO… I am disabled with multiple Scelrosis 27 yrs, married 20. I can’t work, all alone, no family, money, and him in a separate state. WHAT TO DO??? Should I keep praying for him to come back??? I don’t know???

  8. I have been married for 19 years. I’m an attractive and working woman. My husband has been cheating on me from the first year of marriage. I knew about it but was scared of losing the relationship so I kept lying to myself that all was well. Though there were fights when I saw his messages from other women. And all these years I kept thinking that he was like this bcoz I was not good bcoz, he would always keep appreciating other women as the best. All these years there was no physical relationship also and I thought that I was not good, that’s why. As my husband drinks a lot I thought maybe he was impotent. I never confronted him as I didn’t know how I would deal with separation with my child.

    After getting sick of hoping that he would change I confronted him and all the mess is out in open. He was sleeping with other women. That’s why we had no physical relationship. He says that this is corporate culture. Either he was traveling for work or partying till late night. Even my son who is a teenager now is also aware of it all.

    After all the confrontation and huge physical and verbal fights he promised that he’ll make change in himself and will not repeat the past. Even while he was saying that he was secretly going to the office with another female colleague and was helping her to manage her career further. Most of his women are extremely rude to me in public, which he just looks at silently. And I feel so much pain that I dunno how to respond.

    Memories pain me a lot and I have no trust in him. Yet we’re living together. However every now and then my anger, frustration and anxiousness about his infidelity keeps surfacing, which makes me speak with him with sharp sarcasm, repeat the pat happenings bcoz I am able to connect many dots now and use the language, which was unthinkable for me.

    I really don’t want to live like this. I wish to find a higher purpose to heal myself and live the life free of anger and bitterness and painful memories. I dunno what to do as I am not able to make even mild progress. I’d love a happier life.

    1. The advice I have is pretty simple. Get out!!! What are you waiting for??? There is obvious no respect. But if you are too concerned with what “people” will say, do as you please.

  9. Hi, I am a victim of betrayal. It hurts me a lot although I tried so hard to forgive and forget but it seems so difficult most of the time. We are officially married for almost 7 years …I trusted my husband so blindly that no wife should ever do but lately I discovered with the full proof that my husband is in a relationship with a married woman.

    Being a Christian, it is a sin what my husband did, but I still tried to forgive him as he came back to me and asked for forgiveness. He admitted the mistakes he did in my absence but as a human being it is so difficult to forgive and let the things go easily like that… I tried to forgive him but I can feel and see in his eyes that he is not happy as he was before in me and in my home.

    He is so restless at times and most of the time he prefers to stay outside and get drunk with his friends. The lame excuses are that too much stress is at the business. That’s why he likes to drink in excess, just to take out the stress but he was not like this before no matter what stress he is in.

    I asked for a divorce from him but he still doesn’t want to give me one. Like he always says, he will not give me a divorce because he can see that there’ll be plenty of men that will come to me and he doesn’t want to see me with another man in the future. What is this? Please help me. What am I to do?

  10. I can’t get over my anger and feel like crying all the time… want to move on in my life for my kids. I want to forget everything and have a better life with my partner, not the same I guess, but can be better. But my complaints don’t let me. There is a storm in my brain. I’m losing my sanity, vision, and hope. Please help me to regain my life for a better future for my kids, as my bitterness is effecting them.

  11. Well to begin my story… I met my ex husband when I was still in school; he flirted and lied a lot, still I believed in him. After all the stories I heard I started to resent him and felt less for him. We got engaged and married when I was 20… not that he wanted to, but because his mother said he should because they are moving and needs his own place.

    When we had our own place he started to cheat on me. He fell into deep depression after his brothers death and I had to deal with 5 suicide attempts and having a baby as well it drained me completely. He was never home, was always with another woman. After we divorced I found out there were 11 women and 2 on my birthday. I felt betrayed and fell into deep depression.

    After 3 years alone I met someone but after 3 years it happened again… why?!!! Am I made to just be hurt or am I a sucker for punishment? I built a wall around my heart… don’t smile… start cutting myself as I feel helpless and unworthy. I did what any good woman would do… stand by her man, be loyal and be everything any man would want… never cheated… just got abused, slapped around and had my heart broken too. It’s so hard to think you wasted so many years… and just wish I could make a good choice for once in my life.

  12. Hi, I discovered my husband cheating on me a week before the wedding of our daughter. I was devastated & i could not believe he really cheated on me. I confronted him and he admitted it & said he will end the affair. I forgave him and accepted him but it’s really hard to deal with it everyday. I did not tell anyone about this …until now I’ve kept it to myself, dealing with it every day.

    There are days that all of this keeps flashing back to me… and till now I still cannot trust him. I feel sad… he is trying to show me he loves me but I’m not sure ….and I cry from time to time whenever I’m alone…

  13. My husband admitted he had sex with another woman 2 days before Christmas (I kind of thought that was a possibly, but never asked. I choose to keep trusting him). I forgave him and I still forgive him. We have been through a lot together. We have known each other for almost 7 years and been married for 3 of those. I could tell he was genuinely sorry and I was not willing to throw what we have away.

    The problem I face now is my emotions. The first few days I was completely numb, but now I am finding I can be washing dishes and a wave of hurt and sadness comes over me. Will this ever go away? I have no intentions of leaving our marriage and we’re working through this, even though I don’t think he really knows how much he hurt me. It sounds horrible but I (we) have invested too much time, love and experiences in what we have/had that I (we) are not willing to just walk away from each other.

    Is it possible for us to at least get some of what we had back on track? We do great when we’re together; it’s just my emotions and insecurity that I can’t get past, and sometimes I’m not 100% sure he understands that either. Do you have any suggestions?

  14. My spouse cheated on me in 2013 with an ex-boyfriend. A month later, she became pregnant and didn’t know whether the child was mine or her ex’s. I’ve never really gotten over this because it caused me tremendous pain and shame. In 2014 December, I got into a revenge affair just to pay her back for the horrible pain she caused me. I had planned that we should go for counselling as we’re a young couple, but she wants none of it. She’s not only resentful but disrespectful and insensitive.

    I’ve tried to make things work but she doesn’t want to put any effort, listen to anyone, or communicate. All this has worn me out. I even feel embarrassed to say I’ve been in a relationship. Apart from the fact we have a son together, there’s really nothing worth talking about. I just want to get over the pain of a broken relationship and rebuild my life.

  15. This is so helpful enx. You know the pain, anger I feel. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it to this marriage. I have been hurt before physically but things got better. Now he cheated and he told me after I was feeling a communication breakdown between us. He told me every question I have asked. He loves the girl and he told me he wants to make things right and I have to wait for at least three months to fix things due to the damage he says he has done to his mistress of which he doesn’t want to tell about the damage.

    Can I wait??? That if the question. Tell me, have you ever felt pain, anger, and hurt and at the same time love the person like you can’t live without him? Have you ever felt your marriage is a curse? If so how do you deal with such pain and anger??? This is too much.

    1. Dear Mnikina, How my heart goes out to you! This is so very, very sad. You ask, “can I wait?” My question is, SHOULD you wait? Who did he make a vow to –you or this mistress? Who should be more important to him –the feelings of you or this mistress? He says “he wants to make things right” but “he has done damage to his mistress?” What about you –the wife he promised to love and care for the rest of his life?

      Dearest Mnikina, please demand more than this from him (although be careful because if he physically hurt you before, he can do it again when he feels things aren’t going his way). IF he wants to “make things right” then right NOW is the time to do so… not to the mistress, but to you, his wife. You shouldn’t have to deal with this added “pain and anger.” You have enough –just trying to get past this betrayal. Of course, this is too much. And of course, there is a “communication breakdown” between you. He is investing his energy into making sure his mistress is feeling better, but in the meantime, you are the loser. This is wrong, wrong, wrong!

      I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that your having to “wait” for a husband to work things through with his mistress is wrong… in every way, it is wrong. This only makes you into a doormat, where your feelings are being walked all over. Personally, I wouldn’t wait. I would give him a choice –either me NOW, or me never. If my husband gave me the choice of either waiting for him or not having him, I wouldn’t wait. You may love him, but he isn’t showing love to you. I’d much rather work at getting over my feelings of love for a husband who is a cheater, than try to keep putting up with a husband who is a cheater… letting him continually walk over me, adding injury upon injury. I pray God gives you wisdom and that you take it.

      1. Hello Mnikina, this is sad. I really feel for you. You have the power to turn things around. Try and have a thinking forward momentum. You can’t lose your life to someone else. You are devastated now and I understand but don’t lose hope. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. My concern is your understanding in this whole thing that he thinks he can continue to be in a marriage and yet negotiate more time to sort things out with his mistress. I think that is unacceptable.

        This man has acted against your value system hence it hurts. Go for counselling and consult with your Pastor as biblically. It is wrong to cheat in your marriage. Continue to trust God. He will give you the strength and wisdom. Love you.

        1. Dear Mininika, I know your pain and anger and suffering, but you are lucky as far as I am concerned, and let me explain why. My husband of 53 years just confessed to two adulteress affairs just recently. I have been caring for him for 20 years, since he had a stroke and Chf. He is probably not going to live much longer because he is very ill now. If I had known about the affairs, I could of had a choice to stay with him or leave. I had four children and a very moral and loyal person, but I don’t believe I would have stayed with such a immoral person.

          Unfortunately he never told me while I was young enough to find someone who could love me the way I deserved to be loved and respected. I was a very attractive women, who kept myself in great physical condition, and I was a great mother, lover and housekeeper; besides, I helped my husband by working in his business. You see, you are young enough to change your future and have another chance of finding a msn who deserves you. Me on the other hand, am 72, and can do very little to have the love and respect I deserve from a man. Instead, I am sad and regretful.

          I did not learn when I was younger that my husband was such a immoral, selfish, and disrespectful man.The signs were there, I just couldn’t believe he could ever hurt and disrespect me and our family, by committing adultery. I thought he had my values, because he always professed that to be who he was. Since he confessed his adultery, I found out there were several more sexual affairs. He probably didn’t tell me about these because I became so angry, that I would leave him, or put him in a home for sick people. Because of who I am, I couldn’t do that.I pray to God, that he gives me the strength to take care of him without anger, and resentment until he dies.

  16. I’ve been with my husband for 28 years of which 5 were dating and the rest married. After 7 years of marriage and 2 kids, he cheated with the maid in my house where she was taking care of my kids. He apologized and said to give him a chance. It was hard, very hard but I did, because of love and to mantain a family together. 5 years later, he did it again with a girl that could of be his daughter (She was 20). He claimed it was my attitude that dragged him to that, that I mistreated him all the time (not true) that it was the stress and so on.

    Sad to say I told him to leave the house and the company. He has nothing left but his lover. After 8 months he came back to work things out. (OMG) Yes I took him back. Now it was harder than ever, my kids knew everything he had done yet they tried to work things by my side. We went to church and 2 years later he does it again. I found him talking to a women in the house at 12:00 midnight. That was a nightmare. I wanted to go crazy, did not understand how he play so much with my feelings and disrespect his house, his kids and myself again. I demanded him to leave the house.

    Its been 6 months of pain, suffering, confusion, anxiety and much more. At this point, please tell me what’s the right thing to do, if you have done everything to forgive and forget. Why does this have to happen and will he ever understand the pain and damage he has caused his kids and myself? Is there such a thing as Karma? Is there such thing as being able to pull back up?

    1. Linda, Nothing “drags” anyone to cheat. Your husband decided to do what he wanted to do, even though he is married. That is wrong in every way. There is never an excuse to cheat. There are other ways to work through unhappy situations in marriage. He is just trying to justify actions he knows he shouldn’t do.

      As far as what to do at this point, that is a difficult one. It’s difficult to trust someone who has this type of pattern, unless he is SINCERELY sorry and shows you in every way you need. And no, there is no such thing as Karma… that is an illusion. Please don’t go there in your thoughts. Save your energy for things that can help, not confuse.

      You ask, “is there such a thing as being able to pull back up?” I’m assuming you’re wondering if couples have had something like this happen in their marriages, and yet they have been able to repair their marriage and make it a good one. Absolutely. I’ve seen it happen many times (with my parent’s marriage being one of them). But it will take both of you having a determination to make this work.

      I recommend that you prayerfully read through the “Emotional and Physical Affair” topic and the “Surviving Infidelity” topic to give you a better grasp on all of this, and so you can process through some of the things that are causing you confusion and anxiety. Also, the ministry of Focus on the Family (their web site is http://www.focusonthefamily.com) has counselors on staff that could perhaps point you to some additional things that could guide you. Please be proactive in finding help. You desperately need it. There is no way your marriage can survive without it. Please be the hero in taking additional steps to save your marriage. You, your children, and your marriage needs it. I hope you will and pray for strength and wisdom for you to do what is needed here.

  17. I thank God for finding this web site and get what is really stressing me as my wife has hurt me deeply and feel no remorse. Thank you, and I ask for prayers.

  18. Hi, I just found out my husband cheated on me with his ex 2 years ago. He has admitted his faults and apologized. But the problem is now me. It hurts so bad, I don’t think I get over the pain. It hurts so bad I want out of the marriage. I don’t know if I can ever get the strength to forget it. I am not even sure this pain will ever go away.

    I don’t know what to do, whether to quit the marriage or hold on hoping the pain will fade away. I just don’t know what to do. I have prayed so much for God to give me the strength and the heart to forget about it and to ease away the pain. But it hurts so bad, a pain I have never felt before. Please help.

    1. Emily… how very sorry I am that you are having to suffer from this type of pain. It is one that is horrible beyond words. How I wish I could help you. All I can do is give you a cold cup of water and point you to the One who makes the water –the Fountain of Life, Jesus. Drink at His fountain. And as you are drinking and praying, please read through the other articles He leads you to read on this issue that you will find in this topic (and the other one concerning adultery). Glean them and use them as tools the Lord can guide you through, as your Wonderful Counselor, to help you in the healing process.

      Keep in mind that you have just been through a horrific injury inflicted upon your by your husband who you trusted more than any other human being. That is not something that will go away quickly or without scars. In the recovery process after open heart surgery after suffering a heart attack, you will hurt horribly, but you WILL heal as you lean into the One who can help you in your journey to get to a healthier place again. But you CAN recover. I’ve seen it over and over and over again (even in my own family after my dad committed adultery). Eventually, after a VERY difficult journey, my mom and dad had a very good marriage. My mom was and my siblings and I are so glad that this was able to happen. It would have been sad to have missed the good years of lots of love that came about after the difficult years.

      I can’t offer much more advice than that, but to try to lean upon the Lord to take you through the tough stuff, don’t do anything quick, or rash, and do what you can to heal by reading and listening to what others, who have been through this, can tell you. God will guide you, no doubt, even through the painful times, as you look to Him. I hope you will and pray for you that God will help you to get to a better place emotionally. My heart and prayers are with you.

      1. Hi Cindy, Thanks so much for the encouragement and also making me know it will get better. It’s been very difficult and very painful to even breath. No words come out when I kneel down to pray. It’s so painful that all I do is cry hysterically when I attempt to pray.

        I will continue to seek His (God) face and ask him to give me the strength to get through this. I pray the pain eases as I pray to God. Thanks so much, God Bless.

        1. God bless you for this website. I have been so desperate and confused. Thanks so much for the encouragement, for letting me know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I pray God heal my pain and give me the strength to go through this trial without giving up on Him, my husband, my family or myself. Thanks

  19. I cheated on my spouse for over a year. She kind of knew it. Also I was drinking really bad for over twenty years. Once my wife truly felt that she had to leave me, she moved out to her sisters house. It has been over 6 months now and I’ve been going to AA and have been sober the whole time she has been gone. Also I haven’t been with another woman since she has left.

    The question that I have is we have been talking and she would like to try and reestablish our union, but I feel like when we talk about her moving back in it hurts. I know I was the cause of this trust issues and pain. I need to know how to help her let go and move on. I’ve started to pray with her everyday for forgiveness, healing, compassion, trust, honestly, and to ease her pain. Our communication has been getting better every week.

    I haven’t told her everything yet due to the fact that in the program of AA I’m not to that step yet. When the time comes I will be forthcoming to her. I’m looking for help with my wife. I feel so bad. When I was drinking I didn’t have any principles and today I have a conscience. I’m not looking to get over or trying to smooth things; I just want to help. I love her and I’m feeling her pain as well. My wife is such a beautiful person that didn’t deserve to have this done to her.

    1. If you haven’t told her everything, you need to. It’s not about your recovery, it’s about hers.

  20. I feel so drastically devastated, lonely and lost. I feel that I can never trust anyone; we were inseparable and now he has gone and I feel as if a part of me has died. I cry but in 6 months I have not gotten angry. It hurts to hand over our children to see him but not know him anymore. I miss him, but couldn’t be with him, when he was found out he became violent and vindictive, unpredictable and hurtful. The person who I thought I would grow old with is now a terrifying stranger to me. His parents have crossed him off, and he makes no secret of his relationship with another. I feel like I will never get over this or come to terms with it, no matter how often people advise me to move on and be happy

  21. My life started dysfunctional; my parents were alcoholics; at age 2, I was taken to live with my grandparents on the Navajo Indian Reservation; by age 5, I was taken by the BIA & put in boarding schools & endured a lot of trauma. I made it my mission to escape to get back to my grandfather, who being a medicine man taught me the importance of family. My escapes & running away from 5 boarding schools, I was sent to Albuquerque, NM Indian school. I was to be adopted to a wonderful Christian family who reinforced the commitment to family & experienced the truth of love.

    At age 19, I married my high school sweetheart & we talked about family & were blessed to have the news of a baby girl. I was working & she was getting her teaching degree; everything going as planned, so I thought. One day she came home crying saying she wanted a career; not family & she decided to abort; I said & did everything to fight for the life of our unborn daughter. My prayers were answered. & I raised her during the day while she worked. Then a few years later she became pregnant, but didn’t tell me until one night she had a spontaneous abortion. Her health had declined & was depressed until her abortion.

    My world fell apart; everything I had believed in family & commitment to it flushed down the drain. We were married for 13 yrs until she filed for divorce & the State divorced us; I never accepted it & defaulted so she got the divorce. I went through all the grief, pain & suffering of losing my wife. I ran from my pain, as I had always done as a little boy; my running took me back to my reservation, only to have my second wife self destruct & abandoned her family commitments. I got custody of our four children. I moved to a city & worked 3 jobs while getting my degree in business.

    I became a GM in the Hospitality industry where I was successful, earned my professional designation of a CHA. But, I was’t complete; I wanted a wife & mother for my children. I prayed to God to help me earnestly; my prayers where answered, as my new wife’s prayers had been also. Fast forward to the present, 7 yrs later & I find myself betrayed by my soulmate. A soulmate that I truly believe was God’s purpose. During her self destruction, I have remained steadfast to my commitment to the love & grace that I believe is His word in truly fulfilling His purpose to love one another & to forgive; a concept that she has not been taught to understand.

    I don’t think alot of us truly understand this & divorce is so rampant & acceptable in our society despite our diversity. We chose to flee instead of fighting & putting on His shield & taking up the sword to fight off this evil for His sake. We both love each other deeply & perhaps our age gap is her reason to flee instead of fight for her commitments to husband & family, but so long as there is love; there is Hope. The sorrow is compounded with the fact that we have a 5 yr old down syndrome; a nine yr old from another relationship that abandoned her & my two children who’ve accepted her as their mom.

    Perhaps, due to my past marriages & the understanding of God’s true purpose that the most important of these is steadfast unconditional love that He endured so that we will have eternal life. I’m going through this grief & suffering alone, except my faith & trust in Him. As Job & Paul suffered, so too have I suffered. But I have Hope & a strong will to keep my commitment to our vows, Hoping that God reveals himself to her if she chooses. So I literally empathize with those who have been betrayed, whether it’s man or woman. I put it in God’s hands now. When we chose the world & not have love & commitment, we lose our souls.

  22. I am 3 1/2 years out of discovery of my husband’s affair. He assured me it was only an online thing (lie), and he assured me it was over (3 separate times, all lies). She has HPV and cervical cancer, so in all likelihood I have that to look forward to in my future.

    I’m 43 and ended up in the hospital 2 times to have my heart stopped and restarted because of tachycardia since this started, and then surgery to burn the circuits causing the problem. We have an 18 yr old son who has autism who breaks down if we have an argument and begs us to stay together. My husband refuses to leave the family home and I can’t afford to leave because I pay all of the bills (including his). I’m broken inside. I don’t want to be here in my life or this house but I’m trapped.

    I don’t want to continue living but God hasn’t chosen to bring me to Him yet. I’ve lost all hope and even my faith isn’t enough to sustain me. After this much time, I would have thought there was at least a ray of hope to cling to but I’m empty. Please, I’m begging for any advice. I CANNOT go on living in this despair anymore.

    1. Kelly, I’m so sad for you that your husband has been doing this to you. It’s hard to comprehend how a spouse can do this to the one he pledged to be faithful to for the rest of his life. My heart goes out to you.

      You ask for advice… honestly, that’s difficult to give in this format. But I HIGHLY recommend that you find a counselor to talk to. When you lose your will to live, it shows you need to talk to someone personally that deals with adultery issues and can give you good, godly advice. You may say that you cannot afford a counselor, but trust me, getting a divorce is MUCH more costly on many levels. And even if you feel God is allowing it because of your husband’s adultery, it’s still important to get good counsel on taking steps forward with your life.

      Please go through the links we provide in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. We have many ministries listed that deal exclusively with this matter. I recommend that you even contact the ministry of Focus on the Family (you can find their contact info at http://www.focusonthefamily.com). They have counselors on staff that can listen and also point you in a healthy direction for getting additional help, if needed. You need to talk to someone personally about this that is wise. You need it, your son needs for you to do this, and I have no doubt that God would have you do this. You need to find hope and help. I pray you will.

    2. I am in spiritual counseling due to the pain of finding out about my boyfriend’s chronic cheating. And it’s helping me deal with the pain. God is good. I am trusting God with all your burdens; He is the answer. All the answers are in God’s grace.

  23. I submitted a testimonial on being betrayed on Feb. 23rd; God said: “come into me all ye that are heavy burdened & laiden, and I will give you rest.”. I ask for prayers to be patient & not let the evils of what I call ” stinky thinking ” interfere with my acceptance of dealing with the suffering I’ve endured.

    It is difficult to deal with the emotional & psychogical trauma to focus on my new job, the well-being & security of our children, and the separation from my family while I journey into a new job location 2 hrs away. This is the most difficult being separated from family, which is my purpose of existing for-family.

    My whole life experience prepared me for this purpose. To fulfill my commitment to the vows to God & my wife & family. I put my faith & trust in God, but I’m only human. “Blessed is he who believes, and has not seen.”. This is being tested & in trying to push forward. Idk?

  24. I enjoyed your article very much. We’ve been married for 50 years come July 30. We were way to young but I was pregnant at 17 and he was almost 18. I had a miscarriage 20 days after the marriage. He joined the Air Force due to probability of being drafted into the Army during Vietnam war. We were living together as much as was allowed during the military time. However on one of those times we could not do so, he courted another girl for several weeks, slept with her two nights one at a buddies house and another at a motel plus other times with her.

    Long story short, he left for overseas assignment (Guam) and she became pregnant four days later. Yes, it was his. He chose to deny the fact although she did write to him and a family member brought by a photo of the baby after he returned to states. I found the note in his wallet from the girl once I was back with him at his assignment. I confronted him and thought for 44 years it was a one time occurrence. I had a 2 year old, no education and was 900 miles from my family. What was I going to do… leave him?? I forgave him for what I thought and was lead to believe had happened.

    Fast forward 44 years and he gets a contact from a lady who says she thinks he’s her biological father. He ignores and refuses again to believe. He mentioned it to me that he got a hoax email to that effect. She did mention his lovers name and he said he had forgotten what her name was… not likely. A year later (2015) the girl’s husband sends an email. He trashes it, tells me about it and I tell him if he could be her father she has a right to know. After another year he finds another message from her. She is 45 years old and now DNA proves that he is her father.

    I am so angry and about ready to kill him (would not do that –he is not worth it). I feel for this person but am not ready to be a loving step mother to a 45 year old. We have told our other children and some of his family now know that they have another relative. Is it bad of me to just not want to have anything to do with her? She will be a constant reminder to me of his stupidity. He did have condoms with him when he had sex with her mother but the mother laughed at him and he didn’t use them. They were both 21 years old and alcohol was involved. He had also taken an Air Force Wafe from a bar and had sex with her in the back seat of her car at about the same time. And, he has also picked up another woman in a hotel bar in 1982 and had sex with her.

    I am 67 years old… starting over??? Wedding ring meant nothing to him. He didn’t wear it and still does not wear one. I’m hating him for this. I fear that my daughter will want to have a relationship with this woman and that is going to kill me. Our children are all adults with their own families.

  25. My husband and I are married for more than 12 years. Just recently on Valentines Day, I discovered the affair. When he was sound asleep I saw that his phone kept ringing, saw a number and read the thread of messages. I answered the text messages on behalf of my husband and on that night set up a meeting with the woman on the other line, met her and got the shock of my life upon knowing she’s someone from his work who I know. I confronted my husband about it and he said its been going on for 2 yrs.

    It is so painful. I often find myself thinking about their affair, but I don’t want to live with rage and I don’t want the kids to lose their respect for their father who they adore so much. I know it will affect their well being. I’m still staying with him. We have been more open than before and have been so sexually active. But I often find myself angry with him and that woman and I worry that such repressed emotion will backfire on me later on. I don’t know if I’m in the right frame of mind when I decided I will make this man fall in love with me again.

    He thanked me for not broadcasting his faults. Somehow I worry that this isn’t actually what he deserves but I deserve a good life that is free of hatred. I told him if ever he does it again there will no longer be second chances. He said he ended the affair but I have trust issues. He said he’ll wait til I trust him again. I want him to pay by loving me twice as much so I’m making extra effort as a loving wife. Am i crazy? What will I do with the raging emotions?

    1. Oh Serene, how very sad I am for you that you are in this terrible place within your marriage. How I pray God ministers to your heart as you lean upon Him. You ask if you are crazy. No… you’re not crazy at all. But right now your emotions, which could influence your actions are understandably all over the place. Please take advantage of the articles and quotes and testimonies and links to other web sites, which we have posted on this web site that could help you as you have been pushed into this painful journey because of your husband’s cheating. One I can think of in particular can be found at: http://marriagemissions.com/strategies-for-surviving-infidelity/. It likens what happened to you as being stabbed in the heart. You don’t recover from this easily, nor without complications. But it IS possible to recover. Please know that. It just won’t be overnight, nor in the way you wish it could be… sadly, this is a more complicated situation than that.

      Prayerfully read through what we have posted in the topics concerning Infidelity and also Bitterness and Forgiveness, because it will be very easy for that type of infection to grab hold of your heart as you’re trying to recover from this grievous injury. I pray for you Serene –that you will be able to find healthy outlets for your “raging emotions” –emotions that are understandable, given the situation, but still, they can cause additional damage if they aren’t dealt with properly. Pray, read, journal in a notebook, if you can to spill out your feelings somewhere so you can process all of this in the healthiest way possible.

      You’re right… your husband doesn’t deserve mercy. But then again, in the full spectrum of life, neither are we. God has forgiven us for MUCH more than we deserve. He is our example, and our Wonderful Counselor. Use Him as such and pour out your heart to Him. He understands betrayal by those He loves. He can help you eventually, as you walk this journey with Him, to work through your emotions so you become stronger and wiser than you ever could have otherwise. I pray for you, and for your husband –your marriage, and your family.

      1. Thank you so much for these words Ms. Cindy. Thanks for your advice. I promise to do such things. It’s such a relief that someone like you listens with a heart. May the good Lord bless you more.

  26. I’ve been married 37 years. It has been a difficult marriage in many ways in that I’m from the US and he’s native Mexican and only came to the US at 16. I was 12 then. He was 17 and I 13 when we were first attracted to each other. My dad sent him home to Mexico as he worked for my dad. Two years later he came back to work again for my dad. We were married at 17 and 21 and I finished my last year of high school married. My dad treated him like a son, loved him and his older brother who also worked for my dad. My dad passed away with cancer when I was 24 and we had 3 beautiful boys. Before he passed away my husband and I were Christians and he had changed from Catholic to attend the Baptist church I was raised in.

    During my teen years my mom had become closer to the Lord and was a huge influence spiritually on both of us as we attended Bible studies. There was a huge spiritual movement in our community at that time and we started attending a new church, which we loved, and for 25 years we attended there. We had 5 more kids. Even though things were hard we were dedicated to God. I always wanted to get help for the things we couldn’t get past but my husband built a wall I wasn’t ever able to fully penetrate. As we raised our kids and life went on I sought out counsel to deal with my stress. It helped a lot in certain areas. While our relationship wasn’t perfect we had come to a point where we appreciated each other, and worked on things. I knew that wall was there but we were dedicated and loyal and had been for so long I took things for granted while also hoping for growth.

    My husband was the type (he worked off shore for 5 years early in our marriage) that he hated how other spouses would cheat just for sex. So he’d shut himself away to read his Bible and separate himself so as not to be corrupted while on the rig. He was proud through our marriage saying he didn’t believe in divorce. I remember thinking sometimes that that’s not enough, but any time we attended marriage events to improve or work on the marriage he never would. I began to have a pattern of anger early on where I’d hold things in because I felt bad if I said anything then I’d end up exploding and doing more damage. Then sometimes he’d punish me for days by not talking to me then he’d act as if it didn’t happen and I couldn’t talk about it because he just wanted to move on. Things need to be talked about. So looking back I can see how he began to harden himself against me.

    I was gone for a month to Japan to welcome our first grandson. When I returned my adult kids came to the airport to pick me up while he stayed home to watch a favorite TV show. I was hurt. I know this is all back ground but it’s part of the story…. Fast forward to today. 2 years ago my husbsnd began attending mission trips to Mexico with a local pastor periodically. I was ok with but soon it became an issue as he would plan the trips without consulting me just announcing them. We talked and I told him the family needed to come first. He would then tell me he felt good helping other people. I said I understood but that we needed to pray and agree first. There was a trip planned in November of that year and another in October. He has also made one during the summer. I told him it was ok to go to the November one after we discussed it. So in October his brother who was building a house wanted a bid on the foundation work. I told him ok. I didn’t try to call him til Sunday as he told me he’d be back that night. I couldn’t get a hold of him so I waited til the next day. Again I could not get him and he did not check in with me either. So I messaged my sister in law to say I needed to get a hold of him and wondered if his phone had died. She said she hadn’t seen him and I should call missing persons. I was pretty sure he was ok so I waited, prayed and told God if I needed to call missing persons I would but if he was ok plz let him call. He called me on my way home. That was the first lie. He made the excuse I was not going to let him go in November if he hadn’t done that.

    So back track a little. That was in October. That summer he had gotten in a wreck coming back from Mexico and flipped his truck. He wouldn’t come home because of insurance reasons. He also had a head injury and was seeing the dr. there. After a week of not coming home I told him I was coming to get him and he said ok. So after that lie in October he began to go down there monthly without my blessing. It caused conflict but I was in the middle also of taking care of my alzhiemers mom. His trips continued and my son who was also concerned wondering if his head injury caused him to make wrong decisions. My son and his family came to visit in March. My son and I decided to intervene and I allowed my son to do the talking.

    His dad told him he wasn’t doing anything wrong like with another woman because he couldn’t because he had erectile disfunction which was partially true. My son said it wasn’t about that but that he needed to get his own family in order before he could do missions work. The trips did not stop. As the year went by there were many other clues I ignored because I trusted him. Around Thanksgiving I felt I needed to look into some things. Some redflags came up here and there so I signed onto his FB just to make sure this person he kept messaging who I knew was a woman and told him was inappropriate for her to call (yes she’d done that too). He proceed to go to Mexico telling me he’d be back by Monday to help prepare for Thanksgiving. He didnt show up til Wednesday. This had become a pattern so I knew after Thanksgiving I was going to be looking further.

    I kept noticing messages from her as I signed onto his account from my browser. I decided one day as I could see he was having some sort of conflict with her to down load a translator and began to try and decipher. I told him (without telling him how I knew) that I knew something was going on. He flat lied to me. So I looked further back and my fears were confirmed. I relate to all the feelings described here of worst pain I’ve ever felt and betrayal. The last 2 moths have been hell. Now he’s saying she’s on the shelf. I’ve done everthing I know the last 2 plus months to show him I’d forgive him and reconcile but he broke my heart by going to see her Valentine’s weekend lying to me. He didn’t show up til Monday.

    What hurt me is he still wants us both. I’ve told him that’s not reasonsble. His attitude has been flabbergasting. I gave up college to stay home and raise my babies. I help with our personal business but I’ve never worked outside the home. I’m grieving the loss of 37 years and what we built as a family. He also doesn’t want to throw that a way while at the same he wants to, as he says, gradually let go of her. I’m not ready emotionally to deal with the repercussions of asking him to leave as I have no one close by but my adult kids who don’t know yet. I’ve confided in my son who confronted him and he’s also devastated that his dad whom he looked up to would do this. I’m so totally devastated I can’t even describe the pain. It’s been a literal nightmare I wake up to everyday. We attended a marriage three day intensive in January, which I was lead to believe he wanted but no he still wants her on the shelf. The most recent thing is he bought a trac phone so he could call her and I wouldn’t know. He was mad I found out. He’s mad at me for snooping into his stuff. I really don’t know how to go forward. I want reconciliation but I don’t want to enable his sin. What about the Love Dare?

    1. Hi Kay Belle, Very sad, your story, especially since you seem to be a dedicated and loyal wife, who has given up a lot to get to where you are. 8 children! Wow! I am a Christian man married 36 years to a Dutch native (I am American); we are now living in the Netherlands.

      Yes, this kind of pain is beyond awful. I would wish this on no one! It is good that you are both Christians. All I can say now is that the points made on this website are very good. The best thing you can do as a wife are, to pray for this situation, to let your husband know that you want this marriage to work, but that such behaviour is not OK, and…. what can you as a wife, be doing, to make this marriage better? (I am NOT saying here that this is your fault!! I am just saying that this may help your husband give up this other woman.)

      I had on-line EA’s which were very difficult. My wife and I ended up by writing letters together. I had to decide on my own to delete my Facebook page, which I finally did. I did not want the risk of a failed marriage. The EA’s ended 7 months ago. I know that it is VERY difficult to give up the other woman… the fact that my wife is really trying and was really there for me was a big help. I also know that I did not really want this, but needed help to break the relationships. I do feel for you, I really do! I sincerely hope you can get through this… I will pray. Do you have Christian friends in whom you can confide? Any and all help and support you can find is well worth the effort to find it- this is so hard to deal with by yourself! I hope you come back to this site… I wish you the very best! Take care, WP (Work in Progress)

  27. I just discovered that my husband cheated on me several times when we were courting. I am in so much pain and can’t trust that he won’t do it now that we are married. He isn’t even repentant or apologetic, claims it was a long time ago. What should I do?

    1. Victory, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I will never understand this type of thing. Unfortunately, we hear of it more than you could imagine! It’s sad… so, so sad. I’m sad for you –so heartbreaking. You ask what you should do. What CAN you do? Your husband put you in an awful place, and is making it even worse by not being sorrowful over it, which he should be. All I can say is to pray, pray, pray. Pray that you will be able to let go of this grievance –not in a naive way, but looking to Jesus, you know it is important. As He forgives, forgive. Pray for your husband. If he could do this to you, his heart is hardened to sin and needs to be softened. Even though you probably don’t want to pray for him, he really needs it and you may be the only one who will. You are his appointed prayer partner through the covenant of marriage.

      Also pray that your heart does not become bitter over this. It will change you in a negative way forever. Go through the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic –particularly the quotes and ask God to minister to your heart, helping you to release the bitterness you could grab onto. I read something tonight that said, “you will always be a victim until you forgive.” And that’s true. Bitterness will take you prisoner and keep victimizing you over and over again until you are finally able to break free by letting it go and letting God take care of it. Work towards that end.

      Please prayerfully read through other articles on this web site about Infidelity and adultery. They could be very helpful to you in this painful journey you have been thrust into. Even though your husband did this before you were married, the sting is still as sharp, and it opens up wounds that allow mistrust to take over. I pray that as you read, God will minister to your heart and will help you to trust HIM –that He will walk you through this painful journey to healing. Keep your eyes open, but be careful not to project cheating actions upon your husband. If he ISN’T cheating within your marriage, then you sure don’t want to treat him as if he is. But you also want to be wise. God will give you balance as you look to Him and learn from Him. He knows all too well what it is like to love His bride and then have His bride turn on him and be unfaithful.

      I pray for you Victory… and I pray victory for you –that this will not take you down, nor your marriage –that somehow your husband will wake up and be faithful and loving as God has ordained him to be.

  28. I have been married for 15.5 years, my husband is a very self involved, controlling person who wants things his way or we all pay. My main issue is he has complained about our sex life since before we got married, not because of frequency that is there, not because of a little variety, that is all there, but rather because he wants me to be more free and explore weird stuff. . . it is not me not my taste. But, he battles me all the time, makes me feel inadequate, won’t speak to me, acts like I don’t exist even if front of our son. We have had this argument 1 million times plus . . . I hate him for it. I hate that his love is conditional to me being someone else sexually to treat me like a wife. He also cheated on me while I was very ill and waiting or a lung transplant, he maintained the relationship for months after my transplant until I found out. We went to couples counseling for over a year, it occurred two years ago, I have not fully forgiven him.

    Yes I should divorce him, but, due to me being ill for so long, I could not support myself and my son, he carries our insurance, he is a great dad. He has a good heart but if ego runs the show and he just feels so entitled . . . now that I have received a second chance at life I no longer relate to him on most levels. He is so petty, never appreciating the life we have, the fact that he has a regular sex life, a wife who is alive thanks to a organ donor, a great kid, a beautiful home, nice families, great vacations . . . In my opinion the perfect life. . . If he would stop ruining it with pettiness. I am lost.

    1. Hello HA Clyde, I am so sorry that you have had to go through such pain on top of dealing with your serious illness. I am also very happy that you were able to get the transplant you needed… a new chance at life!! Thank God for organ donors!!

      It is clear that your husband does not have the same appreciation of life that you have. As a husband I would certainly say that a woman should never be pressured into doing things in the bedroom with which she is not comfortable. Has he always been this way? Or is this a recent development? As a Christian, my response at this time is to pray, pray, and pray some more for your husband… that God would open his eyes and show him the pain you are experiencing as a result of his actions… that he would be given a renewed love for you which would outweigh his selfish behavior…. that God would protect you and your children. If you have trusted Christian friends, you should ask for their support… any and all help should be sought for this!

      As hard as it seems now, the best thing you can do right now is to forgive your husband from your heart. Forgiveness frees you from bitterness and hate, either of which can destroy you at worst, and at best be an ongoing source of pain. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not a result of emotions needing to line up first. Forgiveness opens the way for God to work in your situation in ways you cannot imagine. I am not saying it is easy. I am saying it works!!

      My wife and I have been married for 36 years, and we have experienced this first hand ourselves. I hope and pray for a change soon!! WP (Work in Progress)

    1. Hi Tikara, I can completely understand you of course. Very much so. It’s NOT fair and it’s NOT right. You did NOT deserve this.

      Our daughter was in an abusive relationship for 8 years. When the boyfriend with his very young son needed a place to sleep, we let them stay with us so they did not have to sleep out in the rain. This same boyfriend was physically violent toward our daughter, threatening her with a knife on one occasion. I do not exaggerate when I tell you that sometimes we feared for her life. They have a daughter together… our granddaughter. My daughter was required by court order to have our granddaughter brought to his house every week, and to pick her up 3 days later. I was the only person who could really do this. So I brought her every week for 9 months. The boyfriend attacked me once in my car, and on another occasion pepper sprayed me and a friend without provocation. He attacked our son, and hit him in the head with a bat. Had the point of impact been only slightly back from where it was, our son would have been brain damaged or dead.

      As a Christian, I know that unforgiveness is not right. I have seen firsthand what unforgiveness can do over a longer period of time from when I was very young. Anger and bitterness, if allowed in your heart, will rob YOU of the basic joy of living. They can severely affect YOUR health and even shorten YOUR life. And the offender may not even know!!

      Forgiveness means giving up any and all desire to “get even” with the offender, or to wish the offender harm. Forgiveness means stepping aside, and allowing God to deal with the offender. Forgiveness means letting go of the past, and of wishing the past had been different. Forgiveness is an act of the will, It is a conscious choice. It is a process. God Himself can, and will, help you to forgive when you ask Him from your heart. Forgiveness will set you free, will preserve your health, and will increase your joy of living. Forgiveness will open the way to allow God to work in your husband’s heart. Your husband may well need you more than you know right now.

      Our daughter left this boyfriend just over 3 years ago. That was an extremely dangerous undertaking, which I’m convinced was led by God. She is now in a healthy relationship, and she has now a second daughter. Our son is completely recovered. Our family has been brought back together in miraculous ways. Forgiveness is NOT easy. But it DOES work. WP (Work in Progress)

  29. My husband cheated on me while deployed late last year. He told me three months ago. I’ve felt a range of emotions. He cheated a month and a half before he was supposed to get back. We were supposed to get a house and maybe start having children. We were married for five years. We celebrated our anniversary apart. I spent a lot of time preparing a care package full of everything he loved. He cheated shortly after that. He admitted he has always wanted to cheat and that he is addicted to pornography. He also has admitted that he doesn’t think he will stop cheating on me. Also he still longs to be with the other woman. He told her he was “in love” with her. I feel God is calling me to wait and stay but sometimes I get so angry that I have to fight for our marriage as he drinks himself silly. He goes out to bars won’t wear his wedding ring (I told him to take it off initially in anger but have repeatedly asked him to put it back on since then).

    He is hit on by women everywhere he goes. And he has admitted to wanting to be with them. He stays out late past 1am. My relationship with God has grown so fast. I am completely dependent on him. I often feel peaceful because I try to trust in God. Initially I had to get a job to get out of the house which was driving me crazy. I had to drop my classes in school because of my anxiety. I had really bad anxiety because of his infidelity but it has calmed down a ton. My husband does some good things. He prays for me in the morning and asks God to change his heart. He said part of him wants to be with me and make the marriage work but the other part just doesn’t care. I remind him that we have to obey God even when our heart and feelings aren’t there but that makes him angry. I try not to nag him, I wait for him to open the discussion and then bring him my thoughts. I was doing really well for a while but lately I am getting tired.

    I know that he is making improvements but I am tired of doing the right thing. I feel tempted to cheat on him out of revenge and out of my own sinful lust that I struggle with. I have confessed it to my husband and we pray about it as well. I have told him that his defiance tempts me to act against God. It makes running away or seeking revenge more appealing. I keep saying no to the temptation but oh boy do I struggle at times. We still have sex regularly partly because I rather meet his needs so it is less tempting for him and also because I really enjoy sleeping with him. He says that sleeping with me makes him feel guilty and that I should leave him because he is a terrible person. I can actually really relate to him and his sin because I used to be addicted to pornography and I feel tempted to cheat on him too. I struggle but I turn my sexual thoughts to my husband and think of him when I feel tempted. I also pray that God will help me. I deeply love my husband and I just want the blinders to fall off. He is so deeply deceived. He has been shaken by his own infidelity. He has said he never thought he would cheat on me. He said everyone he deployed with cheated on their wives. He doesn’t blame his company but I do believe that made it more enticing. He has been a cheater in the past when we dated years before marriage. I also cheated during our dating period.

    We actually have herpes that he gave to me while we were dating. He did not tell the other woman (from the deployment) he had herpes or a wife which I hate and I pray she does not have anything. I do not hate the other woman because I am guilty as well. When my husband and I broke up right before we got married he started sleeping with a woman who was not a US citizen. He was “in love” with her and married her to help her become a citizen. This woman had recently gotten an annulment from a man who backed out of helping her become a citizen. It was not a valid marriage and illegal but I still got back together with him knowing he was legally married with his promise of getting an annulment. Shortly after he did get an annulment and then we got married. It broke my heart because he was my first love and I thought I would be his first and only wife. Sometimes I feel like we have the messiest story in the history of the world and I just cry in front of God begging him to restore the huge mess. The sad thing is I thought we were trying to be obedient and submit to God by getting married. We were trying to put the past behind us. (We lived together for 3 years off and on before breaking up). We started paying tithe and going to church and repenting for everything we did. I felt so much shame for the life I lived. We went to counseling and watched pastors and learned a lot about infidelity and God’s mercy and love.

    It breaks my heart that after 5 years of being faithful this is what it has come too. I keep reminding God that he hates divorce. But I have to admit a part of me is tired of this. I was so angry at God initially b/c I specifically prayed that he would not let infidelity plague our marriage but now I know he can use it all for good. It is just so hard to see that when you are in the midst of the hardship though. Sometimes I wish that I would just die and be done with all of the problems that I have helped to create. I noticed when I cry it is unlike anything I have ever done before. I wail in agony. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because it is so sad. Most of the time I do not cry or feel sad. I feel upbeat and happy. I have turned a new leaf and started opening up to people and spending time with other Christians. But there are still dark moments. I hate the dark moments. I feel so alone and brokenhearted. I love the happy moments when I’m being silly and laughing and smiling. My husband gets confused at times. In a way his infidelity has broken me out of depression and isolation but I am still healing from a broken heart so there are still symptoms of that. I don’t blame myself for his infidelity but I know my disobedience and sin played a part. If anyone is in sin right now please run and get out of it. Don’t delay. It has caused me nothing but pain.

    Initially when he told me he kept telling me to leave him so I had to remind myself to obey God not men. A few weeks past and I had to keep telling myself rain cultivates growth and currently I tell myself sowing in tears will turn to reaping in joy.

    1. Hi Kale, Wow! It’s hard to know exactly how to reply to such a sincere/genuine cry for help. It seems you both are struggling with many past issues (pornography, cheating) but at the same time you both are being very honest with each other. I have the feeling that you have a new and fast growing relationship with God, but that your husband does not. Is this accurate? Do you have believing friends with whom you can share your struggles and hear their opinions and receive advice? I’ve found it always helps to share with trusted friends. But in the absence of trusted friends, I’ve found the people on this site to be very sincere and respectful- also very helpful.

      You are right… Psalm 126:5. “Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.” I have some other passages, which have really helped me through the dark moments of feeling alone and brokenhearted. Here you are Kale. I hope they soothe your spirit and give you hope even in the midst of the “long dark tunnel…”

      Psalm 34:4. I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
      6. This poor man (or woman) cried, and the Lord heard him (her) and saved him (her) from all his (her) troubles.
      7. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear (respect) Him, and rescues them.

      Psalm 147:3. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

      Psalm 121: Read all of this Psalm…. Highlights:
      5. The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is the shade at your right hand.
      6. The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night,
      7. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul.
      8. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this day forth and forever.

      Psalm 91: Read all of this Psalm too…. Highlights:
      1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shado of the Almighty.
      2. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God in Whom I trust!”

      I John 5:14-15 “This is the confidence we have before Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us, And we know that if He hears us in whatever we ask, we know we have the requests we have made of Him.” His will is that your marriage will succeed! You can confidently pray in this direction and be sure that He is right there with you!! Follow His instructions as He gives them to you….

      Isaiah 54:7 “No weapon formed against you shall prosper…”

      Isaiah 55:6 “Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near.”

      Don’t give up… I hope to see you back here… WP (Work in Progress) (I am an American, married to my Dutch wife now for 36 years- living in the Netherlands)

  30. Last summer, the day after the 24th anniversary of my marriage, I picked up my husband’s phone as it had been going off with texts, and he was in the shower. He is a surgical technician at a trauma hospital and we had some trouble with his schedule, confusion at times, and even though he wasn’t on call, I knew they might be trying to reach him. When I looked at the texts they were all pictures of his girlfriend, very close up graphic pornographic photos. I sat down and went through his cell phone, his texts and emails. Turns out he’d been having an affair for the last month. I confronted him with his cell phone photos when he got out of the shower.

    At first he said he loved her and wanted to end our marriage. I was very calm and we talked for a few hours. Then he said he didn’t want our marriage to end. We started marriage counseling within a couple days. I had been feeling hurt and confused. Three weeks later we found out he had inoperable stage 4 cancer. We stopped marriage counseling and focused on the very long and difficult treatment process for his cancer. Now, 7 months later he is in remission and feels great, has returned to work, etc.
    I want to now discuss his affair and find out all the details of it. I want to go back to marriage counseling. However, now he gets angry and yells at me every time I bring it up. Now he says he doesn’t remember. He says nothing ever really happened. And I know he is a liar. I am his 3rd wife and he told me years ago that both his first two marriages ended after affairs.

    Our pastor at church told me never to talk about it to any of the other women or couples, because they may treat my husband poorly. I have no one to talk too. Sometimes I feel like dying. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t survived.
    I kept copies of all the pictures, texts and emails. Our pastor made me get rid of them saying that while I had them I’d never be able to forgive him.
    Here’s the problem. I haven’t forgiven him. I’m angry. I’ve not be given the chance to work through this. He denies that the cheating was “real”, says it “doesn’t count.” I got rid of the evidence so I have nothing to throw in his face and nothing to take to a lawyer.

    I supported him 3 weeks after I found out he was cheating and worked and took care of all of his cancer treatments and needs. Now he feels great, goes to church smiling at everyone, etc. and literally no one knows what I’ve been through or what I’m going through. I feel more stronger than ever that I should get a divorce.

    1. Hi Sandra, Allow me to say first and foremost that I am very sorry for these two very difficult developments, and both at almost the same time! I must say I applaud your reaction to first hearing of your husband’s affair, especially when he said he wanted to end your marriage! I would find it very difficult to remain so calm myself I think.
      May I ask how the 3 weeks of marriage counseling went? Was there any real change? Did the affairs come up at all? Of course then you learned of the Stage 4 cancer, at which point everything else was set aside and you both concentrated on his treatment. If I may ask, how was your relationship during this time of treatment (7 months)?
      Going back to marriage counseling is certainly a good idea. Anything and everything you can do to bring you together seems to take priority now.
      I can understand your paster’s telling you to keep this away from women or couples at church, BUT, for sure you need SOMEONE to talk to!! Being isolated at this critical time is a bad position to be in. Perhaps you can and should talk to close trusted friends, friends who know you both well. You can certainly ask them to keep these talks very confidential, but how they treat your husband is outside your control, (and it’s his problem anyway, not yours) Likely the friends you choose would not do such a pointless and immature thing anyway.
      I can understand that you are angry! Of course!!
      Perhaps you need to ask yourself what YOU want. What do YOU really want now? I hate to say this, but the fact that this is his third marriage and the last 2 marriages failed because of affairs (his affairs I may assume?) is a very bad sign. HOWEVER, it is also true that “All things are possible with God.” I have been married 36 years, (I’m the husband) and we know of one couple who got divorced, but later remarried. They seem to be doing well now. Do you have children? Where are they in this situation? Of course children are a big factor in determining the best course of action.
      The cheating may not have been “real” for him, and maybe it “doesn’t count” for him. But for YOU it DOES count! And the fact that it counts for YOU and that it is real for YOU, means that it DOES COUNT! PERIOD! He needs to understand this.
      You say, ” I feel more stronger than ever that I should get a divorce.” But perhaps you wrote your text to get another person’s viewpoint? I hope to hear from you Sandra. I hope you find someone to talk to. Take care Sandra. I hope these words help.
      WP (Work in Progress)

  31. I was engaged and we have three and a half year old twins. And I also have a seventeen year old daughter and a fourteen year old son from my first marriage. My ex spouse was recovering addict and my fiancé always brought that up. We were good at first but every couple months he would be done and couldn’t handle it and wouldn’t go to church. Changed his mind all the time. We both made mistakes I. Finally admitted and accepted mine. Then after a second time of finally splitting, I moved out. He evicted me while he started seeing a gal. Then issues arose and they broke up. We went to counseling and talked about getting together. I busted him messaging his now fiancé after dating only 2 months. He moved all the kids things at 3 months. I objected to the move cause he refused to sign agreement. He said he would and now he is getting married in Oct. Our hearing is postponed till Aug and I feel stuck and I’m trying to move and relocate. But he is going to fight me everyday and way he can, cause I want to relocate two hours away and I don’t know what to do.

    1. Hi Jaime, I’m trying to sort out what you’re really saying here. What I understand is that:
      – You WERE engaged, and you have 3,5 year old twins together with your former finance.
      – You have a 17 year old daughter, and a 14 year old son from your previous marriage.
      – Your engagement would have been a 2nd marriage, your ex-husband (1st marriage) is a recovering addict (to what if I may ask?), your former fiancé would often bring up the addiction.
      – Your fiancé and you were OK for a few months, then your fiancé could not handle it (your relationship?) and stopped going to church. (But that engagement is finished now, right?)
      – You both made mistakes (you and former fiancé), you have owned yours, (He has not owned his though).
      – He evicted you (you were living in the same house then) and he started seeing another girl (Former fiancé and new girl are now broken up).
      – You and your former fiancé have since gotten back together and have started counseling.
      – Turns out he is getting married after dating 2 months (to the same girl he had before? or a new girlfriend?)
      – He moved the children’s things (his children? or yours?) after 3 months.
      – You did not like the moving of the children’s things since he did not sign an agreement (an agreement for what?) (But is seems the children’s things are moved anyway.)
      – He said he would sign the agreement? Is that what you mean? and he is getting married in October.
      – Your hearing is scheduled for August (hearing for what?)
      – You are trying to relocate.
      – He is going to fight you every day (about what? He is getting married in October and he signed the agreement, what are you fighting about?)
      – I guess you are fighting about your relocation, since you will be 2 hours away?
      When I read this again, I infer that you want your relationship back with your (former?) fiancé. But he is set on marrying another girl in October. Is this right?

      This sounds very messy… Do you really want a relationship with this man, if he runs off and wants to get married to someone else? And there was a girlfriend in between? It sounds like your former fiancé does not know what he wants. First he had you, then another girl, and now he wants to get married to someone else. Are you so sure this will not continue into your marriage if you end up marrying this person?
      It is true that “past behavior is a likely indicator of future behavior.
      What do you think?
      I really hope you can step back from all this and make a healthy decision,
      WP (Work in Progress) (husband married 36 years with 2 adult children)

  32. Torment, torment, torment my lying spouse cried and confessed to cheating. We are separated (big mistake on my behalf) what upset me even more is how his co workers (of both sex) took his side of having a affair because we are separated. He has a friend who constantly cheated on his girlfriend(s) His parents cheated on each other.
    So, anyway he lied three months straight; I had a feeling because of his behavior. He apologized said wanted to reconcile I was happy…yeah that was a lie too…and oh he talks to females still..only quote unquote not on that level. Am i stupid?

    If you need people to talk to why just females why not males? So he tells me he wants to be friends even after a divorce. Why would i want to be friends with a liar? Much less a man who is a bad role model to the kids (1 is his 3 by another guy). He doesnt even file…its tooo hard…REALLY?! But it’s easy to cheat and lie to me? I feel bad for leaving but I did what I thought was best for everyone. We have days where I am glad we get along but I have been hurt all my life and I am tired. I know he is hurt too but this in no way for any human to be treated. Every way I turn I live in fear…if I make him mad he will go to her…I feel even more inadequate than before. I feel now I will never be enough. I feel bad for the women he talks to because he is hurt; he is gonna keep hurting women because he is hurt (stems from his past). They think they got this guy who is nice (he is sometimes) my husband cannot handle women at all. She would have to have a I dont care attitude about herself and life.

    Me, I care..in fact I care too much. No matter what I do even like what he likes it’s not enough. I have changed some from the past…thats not enough even though he said he saw the changes. All this stuff is not only affecting me but the kids. I try not to cry in front of the kids but my 5 year old is something; she is in tune and knows. I want to get counseling but not sure where to start. Also my husband believes in God, just doesn’t care to follow; he got saved long ago but he is lost in this world. He acts like an unbeliever. I’m not sure what to do…I feel like calling it a complete quits. I’m so tired of the hurt and lies.

    1. Hi Michelle, I guess perhaps you are really trying to define the fuzzy line between legitimate “female friend” and “emotional affair.” After going through this myself, (I am a husband married 36 years, I had on-line EA’s now ended 8 months ago – meaning I have had no contact at all for 8 months) and also having legitimate “female friends” the line for us is that my wife and I defined together is that my wife is included in our correspondence. There has never been an inappropriate physical interaction between us at all, meaning I have done nothing physically with these friends which I would not do if my wife were present.

      With the on-line EA’s, my wife and I together wrote farewell letters together and sent them together. That was 8 months ago. I do have other female friends, my wife knows them, we have visited with all of us together, and this has worked fairly well. I have always told these friends that my wife comes first…I am committed to her…and there has never been a question of pursuing a “romantic” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” involvement.

      The on-line EA’s were difficult to be sure. Writing the letters was difficult as well. I agreed with my wife that I would shut down my Facebook page, which I did. There is always an element of trust here…of course. If, in your situation, the boundaries lie beyond what I have just described, then it gets very difficult. Your boyfriend, if he really means business, should be willing to give you access to all of his phones and computers, with passwords, so that you can access them at any time. He should be willing to introduce you to all his female friends, and include you in their activities. The more open, the better.

      I felt very bad and very guilty about my on-line EA’s. I can truthfully say, however, that my intentions never went beyond what I have described above. I can say that the temptation is very strong though, and, depending on why your husband got involved, can be very difficult to break. In my case, the motivator (not excuse or reason) is also my past. Your husband sounds a little like me from what you say. There is only one solution, and that is a commitment to Jesus Christ, and an acceptance of the truth of the Bible as a validation of personal worth and value and a commitment to you as his wife (I assume you are separated now and not formally divorced.) You say your spouse believes in God, but doesn’t care to follow… he was saved long ago…Yes I understand that. Where are you with your faith? Are you also believing?

      Please understand that it is not you who is inadequate, but rather your spouse who is struggling with a strong temptation and backslidden relationship with God, both of which create a strong pull in the wrong direction. What to do? In the short term, have a carefully prepared talk about how you specifically define “cheating,” ascertain what YOU want as you go forward, (Do you want to fight for your marriage, or are you REALLY ready to let it go?) and also get an impression of what your spouse REALLY wants…If he really needs his female friends so much (outside the boundaries you negotiate), then why is he married to you? Does he really WANT to be married to you? Of course, the children are caught in the middle, and pay the highest price.

      Counseling is a good idea. I hope he wants to go with you and cooperate. His willingness, or unwillingness should also be an indicator for you.

      A few internet sites which may be interesting:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekq_TXQ7eDM

      I hope these ideas help! Having been down this road myself, I know it is not easy. You can read more of my history in “Getting Unhooked from and Emotional Affair.” I hope and pray for the very best for you!! WP (Work in Progress)

  33. My husband betrayed me 7 months ago. He says nothing happened between him and a co-worker but he stated that he felt sorry for her and co-signed and lent her money for a car. No one in their right mind would do something like that just because you feel sorry for someone. What should I do?

    1. Hi Mary,
      From your text, this sounds like an isolated incident. In and of itself, this is certainly unusual! Is this indeed a “one-off” action? Or is this part of a larger picture? Have you had any other indications that your husband has a relation with this coworker? Have you and your husband talked about this at any length?
      In any case, you need to tell him your honest feelings about this, and let him know your trust has been betrayed. He needs to know how much this hurts. Then his reaction will give you an indicator on what to do next. A few websites below for a better feel for how these things have gone with other married couples:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekq_TXQ7eDM
      I hope for the very best here!!
      WP (Work in Progress)