Marriage Missions International

Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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399 Responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal”
  1. Jewel says:

    (USA) My husband of 20 years lost his job and his life seemed to be a mess. When I was younger, like 15 years ago, I made a few mistakes. I did not have sex with anyone but I flirted, which was wrong. Now 14 years later to get even with me my husband picked up someone that asked for a ride then offered herself to him or to give him a blow job. He did not say yes and he did not say no. Then the cops surrounded the car and arrested both of them. He said had the cops not come, it would have happened and he did this all to hurt me.

    For the last year he has blamed me for everything that has happened in our married life. He has called me all kinds of names, left and all kinds of stuff, but at the end of the day I forgive him and the $1000 I have to now pay an attorney. But I still find myself being so mad about it. I want to hurt her and him for this. It was a day before our anniversary and he cried and told me he would not ever do it again. Right now I forgive him but I am having a hard time with my pain and the things that he has said to me. Anyone offer any advice, like honest advice? Jewel

  2. Jay says:

    (USA) I have been married for 4 years, and in this marriage I have two children; my wife had a daughter from a previous marriage and I have found emails, several times with her expressing how she wanted to be with or how much she has thought about him everyday since they have met. She has been abused mentally, physically and sexually by this man and still tried to hold on to his every breath.

    This has made me lash out at times and say anything that has come to my mind to hurt her. I know that this is wrong but I wish so bad that she could feel the misery that I have felt all this time. I am separated now and have just recently discovered yet another email in which she tells him that she loves him and wants to show him but doesn’t want to rush things with them again. I am enraged all over again and she tries to say that it was two months ago and she was in a different place.

    I feel that I have lived a complete lie the last 4 years; she shows no remorse and doesn’t care at all she has even brought this person around my children. I have so much bottled up inside and she doesn’t have a clue, I feel resentment, anger, pure rage, I even feel like I hate her. I never did any act like this to her or gave her any reason to think that I have wanted to be with another but she has given me many.

    I am overwhelmed with anger and wish to see her suffer for what she has caused. I feel like I can’t say enough in a lifetime to make her feel what I have felt and feel right now and I don’t even respect her as a person or the mother of my children for what she has done. Because of her I can never be the father to my kids that I dreamed of being as a young man. I am forced to be there when I can see them instead of seeing them everyday as a father should. I feel they shouldn’t have to pay for the selfish acts of their mother to lose their father in their everyday life. It is hard to get over this; I feel I am a long way from being healed.

  3. Sarah says:

    (UK) Hi everyone. How did you all find out? I’m going through a divorce as my hubby was abusive etc… more mentally. Now I’ve still got my suspicions about him seeing other girls including a neighbor. He told me I was mad, mental and it was all in my head. I’m sure I saw him in a car with another girl, but he still denies it. I’m hoping God will reveal the truth. Surely God would not hide secrets like that from me.

    I’m worried because I messed up. I don’t know why, but when I was pregnant me and my husband were seperated and still are… I watched some porn (sorry I wouldn’t normally admit something like that) but I need you to see where I’m coming from. I think it was the pregnancy that made my emotions go wild (I’m not justifing it at all. In fact I’m normally full of integrity). But now I’m worried because I did that, maybe God won’t reveal if my husband cheated? Do you know what I mean? But if my husband was to ask me I’d tell the truth, and I feel ashamed I did it.

    If he has cheated he denied it. He was very deceitful in the marriage and I’m sure he was on drugs too…my parents agree about the drugs. I need to know for my own sanity, because if it was all in my head about him cheating then I need to be healed …but if it wasn’t, then I know to trust myself. Please help.

  4. Trista says:

    (USA) My husband was emailing his friend’s mom off and on for a few years. When I found out I was crushed. I feel like he never really loved me. Now he is extremely remorsful and affectionate and tells me he loves me many times a day but I can’t get the emails out of my head and the feeling that he never loved me until he thought he was about to lose me. Please help!

  5. Randall says:

    (USA) Well, I too am grieving tonight. I just found this web site after learning of my wife’s affair. Found out that she rekindled with someone she had an affair with 16 years ago and has hidden that this whole time. Darn social media tipped me off, comments back and forth were just a little too friendly. Putting two and two together I learned of the issue at dinner. I just up and walked out. I asked for her to send the kids outside and drove home with them. The hurt is so unbarable.

    Yes, God is good and He is there for me but how do I make this work? Can it be brought back to what it was? I know that it was her doing, that I didn’t drive her away. It was time and connections built by her. She opened herself up and got too close. She says that she loves me and loves him too but wants to make this work. I had her call him at 2:30 am and end it with him, I was also on the phone. I hope and pray that it can help start the healing process. Time will be needed, but how much? How do you measure progress? How do you forgive and then forget? My feelings run the gambit and I’m crushed…

  6. Maggie says:

    (USA) I have been marrried 10 years. I found out last week that my husband was seeing an ex of his after accidently finding a sexual voicemail. I freaked out. He left. Said they we’re only talking and that I made too much out of it. Only she called me and told me later that night that, yes, they had only talked on phone 6 times, in person twice. Sex didn’t occurr because SHE couldn’t do it. He tried to initiate it but she said no.

    He has been staying with a friend of his for a week. He has brought up every argument we have ever had trying to make this my fault. He has even blamed it on my kids from a previous marriage, that he has raised as his own for the last 10 yrs, saying that I always favor them more. Now 2 days ago he says he ran into an old high school flame. In those 48 hr he was able say that he thinks she is the one who truly makes him happy and then wants to be with her for life. THEN, he sends me a nude photo of her so I can understand. I just cannot wrap my head around this. The man I loved and married couldn’t possibly hurt someone so cruelly. How had he just thrown 10 years away in a week? I feel so stupid that I still have so many feelings for him. I’m angry and disgusted but I love him and just don’t understand.

    • LUCY from United States says:

      Yes, that is what they do. 10 years of dedication and work and love and they can exchange in 1 week, some man they just do in 2 days.

      My advice to you is to love God with all your strength and love your children. Protect them from evil, abusive situations that they don’t need to go through. Love yourself and do something for yourself. Take care of your body, soul, and spirit, and you will see every pain should pass. Don’t cry, but be happy that God has shown you what kind of person your husband is. Just keep up your good work with your children and God will heal you.

  7. Chris says:

    (USA) We have been married for 22 years and I am 43. I found out last year that my wife cheated on me. She had cheated about 1 and a half years before I found out. She did not do it here. She went to England to do it. She said she was going with a friend to some concert over there as her friend had won a free trip for two and wanted to take her. All she needed was money for the room. So I paid for the room they did it in. Before leaving she asked my sister to watch my youngest son while she was gone, which she did. Before leaving I asked her if she was going over there to have an affair and she told me she would never do that and was offended that I asked.

    When she got there she was supposed to call me and let me know she arrived safely. I did not get a call till the next day. When she returned home I again asked if she had cheated on me and again she said no. Well, after about a year and a half she left her yahoo mail up on the screen. I thought it was mine as I was using it earlier that day. Once I got into the inbox I saw a email titled “Where we going to meet” dated just before she left for the concert. I expected to see something from her girlfriend saying something about meeting to go to the concert. Instead I find the plans and her giving her lover the hotel name, room number, flight info and estimated time of arrival. Well, my jaw hit the floor and was dumbfounded and did not want to believe what I saw. I checked a few other emails with his address and also found a transcript from one of their yahoo Cybersex Chats and how he told her to put her mouth where his crotch is and come to England. When I found out and confronted her, it took about 3 months to get what I think is the truth about it from her.

    I really loved her and still do. But I still have not gotten over it. It pops into my head every time I watch TV, every time I see the cheaters show on the cable TV Guide or watch a movie where someone cheats on someone else. Most people think women have it worse. Not true. Since I found out I went thru three job and am unemployed now because I am not the same as I once was. I never kept a job less than 6 years. The last 3 lasted around 3 months a piece.

    I don’t know what to do. I love her and do not think I could survive without her. She seems real sincere about being the one that screwed up. I don’t want to lose her but I am finding it hard to get through most days. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it to and have only discussed it with her. I do not want to be even more messed up by everybody knowing what a loser I am by telling anyone the story who knows me. This is the first time I said anything about it to anybody besides her. I’m contemplating what to do.

    I desperatly want to spend the rest of my life with her and think she feels the same. But I’m not sure if I can survive it. Every time I am reminded about it in some way it feels like it did the day I found the e-mail. It feels like my heart was just ripped out my chest and shown to me before I died. The worse thing is I don’t die and end up feeling like that again and again, over and over. Never seems to feel lighter than it did previously. Sometimes it actually feels worse. Well, sorry for being longwinded but I guess I just need to get some of this off my chest.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Dear Chris, I just finished ministering to a woman who is experiencing this same horrible pain. As I read your comment, I have to say that I’m moved by the horror of what you have and are going through. As I told this woman, I recommend you read the article, “Strategies for Surviving Infidelity” (posted in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic). What happened to you can be likened to trying to survive a near-fatal heart attack –actually, a stabbing of your heart. And since the wound was thrust upon you by your wife –the one that you gave and entrusted with your heart, that makes it all the more difficult to comprehend and heal from.

      Please be as patient as you can with yourself and the healing process –you have been through that which would give nightmares to most anyone (at least anyone with compassion). We have a lot of articles posted, which explains a lot of this, written by others who have experienced what you have gone though. For a momentary fling with curiosity, your wife has caused you enormous, indescribable pain –that’s what sin does. It causes deep, deep damage. It’s no wonder that this is taking longer than you might have expected and of course, ever wanted.

      But please know that just as others, who have suffered this horror, have recovered (but not without scars –so sad to say, not without scars), you can too. I saw my mom reduced to a puddle of nothingness when my dad committed this against her. She was devastated. But as she kept leaning into healing, little by little, she was able to eventually rise and release and repair, and recover –her self-esteem and who God saw her as, came back stronger than ever before. I pray that for you. I encourage you to read, pray, lean into the healing that is available for you along this long journey. And as you do so, I believe with all my heart that you can and will survive this. Again, please know that many of us care and are praying for you.

  8. Shreya says:

    (INDIA) What is the necessity of having a relationship outside your marriage if we had a rocking marriage? Why was there the temptation of having an affair? He was hooked to porn at 13. In my marriage it was difficult to accept it, but I had no choice. In his life I played a pivotal role. Everything was done with my consent. He was always encouraging. He says he is nothing without me. He is not able to see me in pain.

    We had good times and vacations, with him not even going anywhere without me. We had the kind of commitment one could envy. But twenty days back I found out he was having an affair with a girl ten years younger who had worked with us for 2 months. Then after she left, they had an emotional affair, no sex, he said. My husband is verrry busy but was calling her up everyday, in the morning at the gym, in his travel time, and while doing his work. This has been going on for the last 2 years. He says it just happened and couldn’t stop it as he enjoyed it as well and I was never supposed to find out. He said that slowly it would have finished, but she still matters to him. At the same time he says his entire world is with me. He asks for forgiveness and asks me to move on as he feels those 2 years he was fulfilling all his duties as a husband and he always loved me.

    Yesterday he became very agitated saying that he just can’t take the stress and my inability to move ahead. I’m confused. I feel stupid because I am unable to trust him. I feel that he will do it again. Why did he do it to me knowing fully well I’ll be shattered once I came to know about it. Someone please help me. I’m dying everyday. Actually, I really feel like dying. I’m in so much of distress and pain.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Dear Shreya, I’m so sorry for the horrible pain you are experiencing. What’s especially distressing is that your husband appears clueless as to the damage he has done to your heart –thinking that you can and should shrug it off like a bad cold or so. It’s more like a near fatal stabbing of your heart. That’s not something that goes away as quickly as your husband may think it should. There is a lot of pain, rehabilitation efforts, and time involved to get to a healthier place. And even then, there will be permanent scarring that you will live with.

      Please read the article, posted in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic titled, “Strategies for Surviving Infidelity.” That article (and the one we link to within it, that you can read in addition) touches upon this point. There’s no doubt that you have suffered from a horrible wounding –one that attacked you by surprise. But please know that you CAN survive, as you lean into healing… it just won’t go in the time-frame your husband wants. And the more he gets “agitated” –saying HE “can’t take the stress” and your “inability to move ahead,” the longer it will take.

      He realizes that he is the cause of your pain. And for reasons that you and I could never figure out, he thinks that wishing it all away will work. He is trying to escape the pain HE knows he has caused. He has been able to compartmentalize this whole thing in his mind and thinks you should too. But most women are not like that. We can’t overlook the looming elephant in the room. His wishing it away, and getting “agitated” at it, won’t make it vanish. Until he gets that, it will make things worse. Remorse, repentance, trying to help you in whatever way he can, makes it more possible than that which he has done up to this point. If he will man up about it and lean into helping to relieve YOUR pain, rather than his pain, which HE brought to you and then to him, THEN healing will have a better opportunity to take place. Otherwise, you will have to take this journey to healing with a monkey (him) on your back, poking at you, making things worse. And how sad that is!

      Again, I’m so sorry for your pain. But please know that healing CAN come as you continually lean into it –especially when you lean into the Lord to help you along the way. My mom went through this, my brother went through this, and dear, dear friends of ours have survived this. It IS possible. Please read through the articles posted on this web site and the ones we link to, as well as the various web sites we recommend, praying that the Lord will help you on this horrible journey to get rid of the toxicity that has been thrust upon you. I pray for you and hope with all my heart that your husband breaks under the pressure of all that he committed against you so that he starts helping you, instead of hurting you further. May God minister to your heart-felt wounds and give you comfort and hope for a better tomorrow.

  9. Shreya says:

    (INDIA) Why did he stray? Why did he do this to me? Every effort he puts in following my discovery of his affair I feel is being done not out of love but out of guilt because had he loved me enough he wouldn’t have strayed. All the nice things he did in the last 2 yrs I’ve started attributing to his guilt. Am I right? I’ve counseled myself but I can’t find his love for me. I feel we always were rocking professional partners, friends, and partners. But probably the romance element was low. He was busy in his work and for satisfaction of his libido Internet porn was there, so I just didn’t expect it to happen. He was O.C.C., and indifferent but I never, ever thought this could happen.

    He is unable to tell me why it happened and why did he think emotional infidelity is ok if you carry on with all your marriage duties? How can I trust him ever? How can I believe that I’m the most important person in his life and that she was always a pass time. I would have never done it to him, even in my dreams because I value this relationship more than anything else. But he didn’t value it. He happened to cheat on me for 2 long years. He never wanted it to stop and he wanted me, as well. I’m confused. Please help me.

  10. Shreya says:

    (INDIA) So many days have passed by since his affair was found out but the pain doesn’t go away. Everyday I keep on thinking about things he did with her. What did he talk about? What level of closeness was there between them? To what extent were they intimate? At what levels did he cheat? How many times did he give her what was mine? Why in his busy schedule did he think he had time to talk to her? Every way he tries to compensate the pain he has given me pains me. I’m on crossroads. Life isn’t the same.

    • Julie says:

      (USA) Shreya, I know just how you feel. The only thing good about the whole thing (see my story below yours) was that my husband told me, though it was 2 years after it ended. He says he was trying to fix what was wrong in our marriage and that he thought I probably already knew (I should have, because it was so in my face). But I think the real reason is that the news had travelled to so many other people, that it was really only a secret to me.

      He has been as forthcoming as he says he can be with details and I have learned a lot of them. I don’t think I’ll ever learn everything I want to know, but I have a pretty good picture of the years they spent together while I was left out of either relationship. She was my best friend and I couldn’t figure out why she had became so distant with me, and had only grown closer to my husband and the same thing between him and I. We are trying to work it out and as long as he continues to let me grieve and express all my emotions as I feel them, I think it might work. However, so much damage has been done and multiple betrayals on so many levels, that I’m not sure how or when we will be o.k. Good luck, and know you are not alone. There a lot of us shocked grieveing, and trying to recover women out there.

  11. Jess says:

    (CYPRUS) My husband had a drunken 1 night stand last October, I found out 2 days later. I went into shock. He lied to me telling me they only kissed but I knew he was lying. I found out who he was with and I got in touch with her; she lied and said she only spoke to him. He didn’t get home until 7 am, but I know they were drinking until at least 5 am then he went to her hotel room.

    To cut a long story short, she then phoned me and told me exactly what happened, blaming it all on my husband. Yes he was wrong and I still can’t forgive him, but she knew he was married and had met me briefly and my young daughter. She said he was so drunk they didn’t have sexual intercourse, but they had oral sex. I felt sick; he denied it at first then admitted it. I can’t get the pics out of my head, he has said he is sorry and it won’t happen again and he was drunk. I live in a foreign country and she was on holiday; I have no friends here and don’t know how to cope. By the way, we have been together 15 years and he is 53 and doesn’t even have a high sex drive. Can I forgive him with time? I don’t know, but I am still trying.

  12. Penny says:

    (UNITED KINGDOM) This is a really good reading. I’m going through all this too. My relationship is really on the best way of healing. I really was surrendering a couple of times, giving up on our relationship. Sometimes your emotions overwhelm you totaly. In such times you have to talk to someone that can help you.

    Because of that I got me help online, through a coach (I can recommend your24hcoach.com). I suggest that option to any other struggling wife (or husband) out there. My coach really helped put things in perspective for me. He helped pull what I really wanted to happen for me and my marriage out of a ball of emotions. It was what I needed to help put me back on track when I could have easily reacted in the emotion of the moment. The process takes a lot of time. Perhaps it will never heal entirely; probably a scar will remain forever. Neverthless a relationship fulfilled with love is worth it to get through all that pain. But often a single person isn’t strong enough to overcome such a situation alone. So seek support, be it family, relatives or professional help! Good luck!

  13. Julie says:

    (USA) 5 weeks ago my husband blurted out that he had had an affair with my best friend that ended about 3 yrs ago. He is 60 -I am 48 and she is 30. The details have come out very slowly. He says he can’t remember many of the details and timeline, which is making me crazy. This woman was in my house almost every morning and every night for years. We were best friends as a couple to couple. She & her husband got married the same year we did. The clues were all there. In fact it was more than thrown in my face.

    The worst part of the whole thing is that he used no protection and now she has his child. When we started getting serious during the dating time, my husband told me that he had his 3 children and didn’t want any more. I was 33 at the time and agreed that I could live without a child of my own. While we were dating he made sure to use a rubber every time we had sex. Then I got on birth control and have been taking it ever since. So for 15 years he has taken every precaution to make sure I did not have his child and then for the 9 months that the intercourse part of their relationship took place, he never even asked if she was on birth control!

    I have through much detective work figured out that I believe the affair started about 6 years ago and lasted for 3 years, after which he broke off sexual contact, but continued to carry on a “friendship” in which he touched her like lovers touch and continued to meet her emotional needs. She was still at our house almost every day. During this whole time he was having conversations with her and not me. They sat on our couch next to each other while I sat across the room in “my” chair. I was so stupid that sometimes during the winter they even had a blanket over them.

    My emotions are all over the place. I go from feeling closer to him than I ever have and finally have his full attention to being so angry I could scream to total humiliation. He “dealt” with this 3 years ago and told at least 30 people about it either during the affair and/or after to get it “off his chest” and asked for forgiveness from God -and decided he was fine. I feel so betrayed and like the biggest fool on earth. My husband was the kind of man who prided himself on his integrity. He always told me that if he ever was going to cheat on me, he would leave the marriage first. He promised me more than once that he would never do that to me.

    We are in a 12 step fellowship and so many people look up to him as one of the pillars of the program. I thought he was a super hero and have realized he is just a man. I have also realized that I’m not a princess and this ain’t no fairy tale. We are trying to get through this and save our marriage and are in counseling, but some days like today I don’t care whether we are together or not. I feel like he has hurt me more than anything has ever hurt. It feels 10 times worse than when I lost my mother nearly 3 years ago at just 62 years old and she was my very best friend and the only person who ever loved me unconditionally. I thought then that it would be the worst thing I could ever go through, but have found out there are things that are so much worse. I have not found anyone in the exact situation that I have been in with all the layers of betrayal and especially someone who agreed to not have a child with their husband only to find out he had a child with the mistress. I am so glad I found this site. Thank you.

  14. John says:

    (CALIFORNIA) I agree! My wife of 11 years cheated on me for more than one year. I found every text message and how they were making fun of me. Needless to say it’s over. Betrayal has no gender!

  15. Cin says:

    (USA) I was married 23 years to a person 19 years OLDER than me. I’ve been divorced 4 years and I still feel the anger, the loneliness the betrayal, the anger etc, etc. The narcissist came out in him the last 6-7 years of our marriage. He had it all the time; I never even saw it coming. I never knew this even existed (narcissist) until I started researching his behavior. He was always quiet. We lived like an ordinary family. We worked, went on vacations, bought a home, had cars, family and friend gatherings; we had a lot in common. I thought I knew him inside and out. WRONG! I never knew he was narcissistic. The evil side came out and this left me in total shock. I grew up with this person… met him at 14, married him at 18. He was 33 and then 38. …yes, a pediphile even this did not phase me.

    Well, my story is a lifetime movie so I will get to my issue… he lies to the court about finances. He lies to everyone about me. He has no empathy. If he saw me in an accident of whatever kind he would just keep on driving walking, whatever… he is evil. I asked many times why? I know it’s partly because he wanted to be with other women, which he has been with throughout our marriage. But now he comes and goes as he wants.

    I don’t care at all. But I at least deserve to know, why me? He never could answer me. My mother asked why he hates me so much. He never answered. I’m very bitter. I’ve become unsociable. I have no friends because he lied to them about me and they believe him. They took a bribe (cash) from him to keep away from me, not to help me or anything. I don’t do much of anything anymore. I’m very depressed …angry. I dont have support from anyone… ANYONE. I feel I want to explode at times and run away. I even wish I was dead sometimes. I was always happy, and fun to be with …not anymore. I hardly laugh. My family believes what he has told them, which I don’t even know what it is. But it’s all lies because I NEVER did anything for my family or freinds to stop them from talking to me.

    So I have triple angry feelings, etc, etc. I feel I’ve lost the whole world. I need advice. I want to report his lying about financial situations to the court. He has kept from paying me 1000′s of dollars in alimony and money earned while married in the state of Arizona. He has gotten away with so much and I’m the one payng for it (suffering). He has given LOTS AND LOTS away as gifts to those who got involved in our marital business –gifts so there ar no receipts. (Smart.) He planned our divorce and how to leave me with nothing and no one in my life and make my life as miserable as possible. He almost succeeded. But I’m still going on with my life. It’s a struggle. But I’m not giving in. I’m stressed out so much and it shows. That’s another anger issue. Marry someone your own age.

  16. Marie says:

    (USA) I found out a little over a year ago (OCT 05, 2012) that my husband of nine years was having an affair. We had been having trouble in our marriage. He stopped wearing his wedding band for nearly two months before I found out about the affair and had been sleeping on the couch for quite a while. In the weeks that lead up to me finding out about the other woman, he would leave our family to go stay with his mother for the night then return the following day. The day before I learned about what I had already expected, he came out and told me he was ready to separate for good and wished for a divorce. He told me how different we were and that I had been keeping him from being who he was and what he wanted to be.

    Later that night he called and asked if I would meet him the next day that he had something to talk to me about and that every thing was going to be ok. I believed him. Then the following morning I get a phone call from a friend that had seen him out with this woman. He denied the whole thing and turned it around on me. I wouldn’t allow him to return to our home. Within a few days he sends texts apoligizing and is ready to share the story with me. He is soon asking to come home and telling me how much he loves me and our family. Needless to say, I allowed him to return. And a year later he is still home, and somehow a changed man.

    Me, I’m a changed person also. I don’t love my husband like I did before the affair. I wish I could bring myself to but I can’t. I am so full of hate and hurt by his betraying me. I have tried and tried to forgive him but in reality I cannot. I will not allow myself to. I keep asking myself how could he be so ready for a divorce one day then I find out about the other woman and he has a change of heart and wants to remain married?

    He is putting 100% into this marriage and I cannot let go of the pain my husband has caused. I feel unworthy of his love. How is it he can love me now when he didn’t love me when he was out doing what he was doing? I’m not saying that I do not love my husband because I do but I will never trust him again. And because of this I can not allow myself to let my gaurd down and play the fool again. I know it sounds crazy, a year later. I walk around like our marriage is all so wonderful, when I fear it never will be again. I know my husband feels the tension. Am I being unfair staying in the marriage feeling the way I do? Should I leave him, because I just don’t know if my heart will ever get over this?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Marie, You are going through a natural stage of grief and confusion after being hurt on such a deep level. This was a horrible betrayal and it led to a death of a dream of untainted love. That takes a long while to process through, even in the best of circumstances. Please read through the various articles and quotes and testimonies and such in the Infidelity and the Extra-marital Affairs topics. Allow them to help you work through this process, as you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to be your “Wonderful Counselor.” One year seems like a long time to go through what you have been experiencing and it is. But it is not a long time when you have been stabbed in the heart by the one you trusted so intimately. Please give yourself more time and opportunity to heal as your husband continues to put 100% into the marriage.

      As for your question on how your husband could have a change of heart and love you now when he didn’t appear to love you then, please know that matters of the heart are complicated. Sometimes we have to almost lose something or someone before we wake up to realize how deeply we loved that which we almost lost –even that which we almost threw away. I’ve seen it over and over again. A marriage is dying and love seems gone and yet one spouse comes down with Cancer and everything takes on new meaning and life becomes more precious and so does the marriage relationship. A fire, an accident, an illness, death of another loved one… the list goes on and on as to that which can sometimes awaken us to feelings we didn’t realize we had until that crisis happened.

      Yes, your husband was the main one who caused the crisis… he made horrible, sinful choices –no matter what shape your marriage was in before, he was wrong. But he obviously woke up to almost losing you and now he realizes that this other woman is trash in comparison to you –especially after you took him back. That showed him all the more how precious you are in extending grace –even when you aren’t healed from what he did against you. He sees you in new ways that he had taken for granted before and in ways that he didn’t realize before. It was wake up time.

      As for leaving him because you don’t know if your “heart will ever get over this” …please don’t make that judgment. Lean into the healing process. Don’t underestimate how good the future can be for you, even though it isn’t good now. Lean into the healing, give yourself grace to have feelings that are raw and unlikeable at times. And also realize that it’s okay not to trust him. He did something that ripped that trust away. You will never have that innocent trust back… nor should you. But perhaps someday, you will have enough trust that he shows you he has earned that will make it easier to rebuild your marriage upon. Perhaps you will build a marriage even better than before because of what you both can learn through this. I’ve seen that happen over and over again –even within my own family. I pray that for you. I hope and pray that you will not allow your fears to overtake hope and that God will help you through all of this. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.

  17. Jackie says:

    (USA) Bible based principles can save a broken marriage. Think about this illustration: usually when a person has a skin rash he or goes to a doctor or dermatologist. That dermatologist will usually prescribe an ointment or cream for your skin rash or skin problems. Which scenerio will have better results: The person that takes the prescribed medicine as directed or the person who takes the prescribed medicine or salve and sets it on a night stand and never takes the time to apply the medicine to their skin? In the first scenario the person’s skin rash will go away or improve with time. In the second scenario the person’s skin rash will get worse and worse. The same principle applies when it comes to applying Bible principles in your marriage. Here are a few that can and may reverse the damage done by an adulterous affair. (Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3: 5-14 and verse 18 and 19). If a married couple works hard to apply this “spiritual ointment” to themselves and their marriage they will have happiness and contentment in repairing the marital arrangement….please get your personal copy of the Bible and read these verses and then think about them. Together you and your spouse, perhaps over a refreshing beverage, can sit down and read those verses together.

    Try this mental and literally excercise: mentally see yourselves perhaps years later more in love then than you are now. Remember GOD wants to see your marriage work and succeed. And it can even in a permissive low-moral world you and your spouse can have a happy marriage. Try doing something loving toward your mate just because you love them. Be forgiving and humble toward each other and ask humbly ask for forgiveness. Do not throw your precious marriage away….be outstanding when it comes to showing respect and honor for each other. DO NOT GIVE UP ON EACH OTHER. I hope these words of encouragement will help save one marriage…If it does it will be a beautiful thing.

    • Tony says:

      (USA) The problem is one can’t take the medicine for their unfaithful wife. You can’t make her take it either. She has to take it herself. Actually, she has to “go to the doctor” and admit something is wrong and be willing to take the medicine.

      I don’t disagree that God wants to see your marriage work. He does want to see marriage done HIS way. However, if your unfaithful spouse won’t do it His way, if she continues her affair, then there is no amount of medicine you can take if she is unwilling to do the same.

  18. Jackie says:

    (USA) Tony you are absolutely correct in saying you cannot “take the medicine” for your wife, no more than you can eat food for her. There are some things in life that one must do on their own. Your spouse has to want to and see the need to take in spiritual “medicine” from God’s Word and apply it to herself in order to assist in making the marriage work.

    However, you say at this point she doesn’t want to… but remember things can change for the better even though it doesn’t appear that was. Just because she doesn’t want to take the “medicine” from God’s Word doesn’t mean you can’t. The problem is not her, not making the necessary changes for the betterment of the marriage, the problem comes when both marriage mates throw in the towel, call it quits, and say hasta la vista. Your marriage is still salvageable and your marriage still can survive if YOU want it to even though your wife seems to be working against your sincere efforts to maintain your marriage. Yours is not a hopeless case. If you truly love your wife learn through practice to cultivate PATIENCE and the type of love mentioned at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Also, practice the positive attitudes found at Galatians 5:22-23.

    It won’t be easy at times because your love for your wife will be challenged and tested. In your own strength you’ll give up and out. That’s why it’s so important to rely heavily upon God, Jehovah for the needed strength to stay in your marriage and to make it work. Tony, fight for your marriage minus all the violence, physical and verbal abuse (Ephesians 4:29-32). Do what YOU can, to the best of your abilities to make your home a peaceful, happy home to be in. Go beyond the call of duty, if you will, to show her that you haven’t given up on her. For better or worse that’s what your marriage vows said. The question is what if she doesn’t respond to your sincere efforts of trying to save the marriage? That’s okay too. Be patient and consistent and in time you’ll see your efforts paying off. Many couples give up too soon on each other and their situation never improves.

    One thing is for sure, even though she may not make immediate changes in her actions or even comments on the fact that you are changing; when she observes the CONSISTENT positive changes in your demeanor, disposition, and actions toward her and the marriage, she in time may have a change of heart and mind for saving her marriage.

    Also, Tony, honestly make a self examination of yourself. Ask yourself was there anything on my your part to contribute to the breakdown of your marriage? If there are/were self contributing negative factors on your part humbly acknowledge that to God in prayer and then to your spouse, admit to her that things could have been done differently. Again, remember, even if you see or get no positive response from her after doing all those things, YOU keep going, YOU keep applying Bible principles in your life coupled with regular prayer; then you’ll have the satisfaction of saying in your heart that “I gave it my all; I did my best”. You will feel good about yourself that you just didn’t throw your marriage away.

    Also, Tony, don’t be a victim of the “me first” attitude that has wrecked many marriages (Philippians 2:4-11). Don’t worry about what others may say or think about your efforts at saving your marriage… NEVER EVER feel or think that you are “hen pecked” because of working hard on your marriage. Real men and women don’t give up so easily on their marriages when tests and challenges arise in their marriages. They’re willing to WORK hard on keeping their marriage alive (Colossians 3:13-14).

    Also, surround yourself with positive people that will tell you what you NEED TO HEAR, whether than what you WANT TO HEAR when it comes to saving your happy home and marriage (1 Peter 3:1-14). Even in the worst of marriages the Bible does not require one to divorce their mate.

    Tony I hope this message will be of assistance to you and encourage you to continue working to save your marriage. I sense that you’re deeply hurt by your wife’s actions and that you still love her. If that’s the case leave the light on and the door open to your heart. With application of those verses from the Bible coupled with regular prayer, which I cannot over-emphasize the importance of, you, Tony will be able to endure the hurt, disappointments and discouragement from the sad things taking place in your marriage. Jehovah God will give you the needed strength and endurance. I’ll be praying for you AND your wife because even though it may not seem that way now, there’s still hope for her too (Philippians 4:6,7). Take care of yourself. Jackie

  19. Keiron says:

    (UK) I’m devastated that my wife has been having an affair. She was picking fights with me all the time, which I put down to her giving up smoking. Lots of suspicious behaviour made me finally ask her “are you having an affair?” I said I could handle the truth and move on but I need the truth. She swore on her life that she would never do that. She’s always had strong feelings on the subject and to cheat is the worse betrayal on earth.

    She was denying the affair until I proved it. I went on the laptop history and saw a message she had sent to her landlady (she started living away Mon-Thu rather then commuting). She asked her landlady if it’s ok for her new boyfriend to sleep over during the week. I never knew pain like this. We were decribed as the perfect couple because we were best friends. Checking bank statements which I never do, I know when and how often she saw him.

    At first I wanted to kill him… that turned to myself and I attempted suicide. Really it’s not his fault, even though he has a wife and children himself. It’s her fault because I’ve given her soo many chances to come clean and split up. I’m really glad for the internet so I can at least read about the things I’m going through. The anger, the denial, trying to find out details, the self-torture and the depression.

  20. Tanja says:

    (USA) Hi. I found out that my husband of almost 20 years had an emotional affair with a female deputy co worker. They exchanged nude pictures and also texted and who knows what they did. Of course he denied it and called me crazy. I sent her own nasty pics to her and only then did they confess. The hurt and anger was unexplainable and still have 4 months almost unbearable for me. I am so disappointed in him that he would disrespect his wife like this. The pain is not getting less. He says he is not talking to her anymore. I can’t trust him or believe what he says. We have been in counseling and he shows remorse. I can’t even look at him. All I see is their naked pictures. I’m not sure what to do. I still love my husband. He gives me ultimatums like if you can’t get over it we should get divorced. I am so hurt.

  21. Jenna says:

    (USA) I’m currently 3 months pregnant with my second baby and my husband just informed me that he cheated on me 10 years ago twice! He almost had sex but couldn’t go through with it and then ended up having oral sex months later with the same girl …someone who I wasn’t close to at the time but currently was my closest friend. There were also a PILE of lies from the last 14 years …one of them being another potential cheating that he blacked out that night and doesn’t think anything happened but given what I’ve found out, something probably did …this girl was my roommate at the time.

    I’m hurting so bad. He seemed like such a wonderful person, I still can’t wrap my head around this. I feel like because of my faith in God, divorce is out of the question. I just feel really lost and sad. This year is going to be really hard…

    • Webbgurl says:

      (USA) I suggest that both of you ladies get into separate counseling to talk freely about what you need for yourselves. You deserve and need peace. This is a betrayal that only the people who have been there understand. It feels like someone you love and trusted blew a hole in your gut, and hit you with a bus. Pray, Pray, Pray. I am still in the midst of this madness myself from 6 months ago. Mine told lies for 30 years. That’s what sex addicts do.

      It’s sad the women who get involved knowing that a man is taken. I’m not excusing our men by any chance, but I am would run the other way from someone else’s man! They are sad creatures, both. Work on finding your own peace, and then decide if the relationships are worth saving. God Bless

  22. Elaine says:

    (SAUDI ARABIA) I am a foreigner, married to a Saudi man 31 years ago. We have beautiful children who are adults now. Two months ago, I gave my husband a surprise visit, at my origin country, where he said he went there for treatment (he is 62). I found him with a naked lady in the apartment room where I rented for him. He was shocked and almost got a heart attack when he saw me at the door. The lady told me that it was her fourth day with him. She apologized and told me that it was not her fault, since he went to the massage parlor and asked her to spend the night with him at the apartment.

    When I found out, he told me he made a mistake and it was only one night he spent with her because he was too drunk. He lied of course. He also said he never had sex with her, I asked him later what was she doing in the room naked with him, if he didn’t have sex with her, he just said he doesn’t want to go into details. He asked me to trust him and he told me that he can never have sex with any lady except me.

    First I thought I had forgiven him, but I realized that I havn’t, and now he is back there again, as usual he is saying that he is there for the treatment, however, I do not believe him and keep imagining that he is with another ladies in my own apartment. What should I do, to be able to stop thinking of him and what he is doing? It is really hurting me.

  23. Nilda says:

    (USA) Hello, I want to share my story with you. On April 19, 20111, I found out that my husband of 15 years was having an affair with my best friend of 12 years. For two years prior to the disovery, I was suspicious that there was something going on between them but I didn’t know what or to what level. Lets just call it a woman’s intuition. The discovery came when I was speaking to my best friend about her new love interest. For whatever reason, she decided to give me her facebook password so that I can go into her account and look at the pictures of this new love interest. I went into her account, saw the pictures and that was it.

    For some reason, I decided to go into her verizon account and used the password she gave me (for facebook). Imagine my surprise and HORROR when I saw my husband’s phone number at least 10 times a day. Let me clarify and say that his number appeared on her bill at LEAST 10 times a day EVERY DAY for 1 year. One year was all that I was able to go back on her phone records. This was a blow so hard that even as I type this my tears are pouring down and my heart is aching so bad. During the 12 years of my friendship, my husband and my best friends never called each other for anything. As a matter of fact, if there was something that each had to communicate, they would have me communicate it to the other person. Therefore, there was no reason at all that they should have been talking on the phone that much.

    I confronted him with the evidence and he just lied and said that he didn’t know why his number appeared on her bill so many times. BLATANT lie! Still to this day, he has not admitted to cheating on me. He has said from the beginning that “NOTHING” happened but he can’t explain what did happen. It has been nearly two years since D Day and the pain is as great as it was when I discovered it. I will say that before this discovery, he was a man of great integrity and a remarkable husband. I guess that’s why I just can’t understand what happened or where we went wrong. But I do know that I don’t trust him and I know that I never will. I don’t think I have the strength to hear things that I know will hurt me more than I’m hurting right now but I feel that I need answers before I can continue. I am hurting so BAD!!!!

  24. Misko says:

    (USA) Please – go to an Al anon meeting. It will help you to focus on your own healing. You will learn to let go of anger, judgement and chaos in your life. Please just give it a try. After I encountered my ‘D-Day,’ I started going and it truly saved me.

  25. Faithgrace says:

    (NA) My Christian marriage ended in divorce after 32 years. With 3 adult children and 3 grandchildren. All so devastated! When I realise all my mistakes and failures and that I could have done so much better, I feel I’m staring my own giants in My husband and I seemed to have it together in terms of trying to work on our issues when he just “snapped” took time out with the other woman -now after 14 months of absolute pain and devastation they are going to be married. They say this is God’s will for them and that he and her needs a fresh chance at life as God had offered this through them meeting. I’m not too sure how this is validated as we all know the Word of God and His Holiness.

    Please pray for our family.

    FG

  26. Janean says:

    (USA) I feel devasted. This is not the 1st time he’s had an affair. I used to call him my husband, but he refers to me as the b—- or she, when communicating with, what the Bible calls harlets. This time I took his phone and text messaged his new harlot, telling her he was passed out (drunk), that it wasn’t the first affair he’s had and how devastation I felt.

    I believe suicide would send me to hell, but I want to die. I tell myself that this pain is only for a short while compared to an eternity. I tell myself that Jesus understands betrayel, humanity betrayed him. I choose to forgive and pray for my wounds to heal. God has always pulled me up from the pit of despair. However, I hang on to what appears to me, as a weak thread. I’m trying to talk to him a little at a time and tell him about my roller coaster of emotions, but he’s so defensive. I can understand why he is defensive, he’s also hanging on to a thread, his self-esteem. He knows he’s built his world on a sandy ground of approval seeking behavior.

    As I write this, I look for the sand in my foundation of belief. I pour out my heart to the Great I Am. I tell him my anguish, and that I am his daughter in Christ. He tastes the salt of my tears; he knows the depth of my dispair and I thank him for comforting me in the depths of my sorrow. Amazingly I come across a verse; Fear not for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with my victoriuos right hand of rightiousness and justice. Isaiah 41:10. Amplified Bible.

    This will not be easy by any means. I pray, and believe we are all conquers through Christ. I pray that in those times of darkness we will see even the tiniest bit of light, and in that moment we would whisper or mouth the words Jesus help me. What do we really believe? Yours in Christ, heart broken and in need.

  27. Cushion says:

    (USA) Hello, I need help. My husband and I have been together for 27 yrs. He has been having and affair with someone I’ve known for 20 yrs off and on. I kinda knew, but didn’t have any evidence. I recently went through his phone and found email that he and the woman have been seeing each other and her 15 yr daughter is my husband’s. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I asked my husband over and over before this came out, was he sleeping with this woman and was her daughter his. He said no!

    Now that it’s out that they have been seeing each other and that is his daughter, I have forgiven him, I told him as soon as I found out that I have nothing against the child because the child is innocent in the whole mess that he and her mother created. The child didn’t know my husband was her father. She thought the whole time her mother’s husband was her father. Now her dad who she thought was her father has walked out of her life because his wife knew that it was not his child and had him fall in love and take care of the child for 15 yrs.

    She doesn’t know my husband that well, so I’m trying to get my husband to step up and be the man he should have been 15 yrs ago. I talk to the child more than my husband does. I told him he has to be in her life from this point on. She and my kids go to the same school, so I sat down and talked to my kids about the child and it bothers them. But I told them it’s not her fault. I want to get my kids more involved with their sister. My kids are 18 and 16 and they pick her up and drop her off at school. The kids already knew her before but didn’t know she was their sister. I always had the feeling she was because she looks just like my husband. I have been trying to deal with this, but I have good days and bad days. My husband doesn’t really have much to say, but he is sorry and the relationship with the child’s mother is over.

    It’s hard for me to believe, but I try to get the thoughts out of my head. My husband tried everything possible to make believe it’s over. I have been on antidepressiants for almost a year now which has helped thus far. I just don’t like the fact that the child’s mother still calls him to say she needs this and that when I told him she can call me. I understand she’s calling him about her schooling because she’s not doing well in school and the mother wants my husband to go to a parent teacher conference with her. My husband didn’t tell me until 1 hr before the conference was about to begin.

    Can someone tell me if I was wrong for getting upset about that? Was it ok for him to go without me? I love my husband, but he is losing his wife. Can’t talk to him without me crying all the time. I need to build up my strength and just deal with it or leave. I don’t want to leave.

    • Pam says:

      (SA) I am 31 years old, married for 10 years and I have a 5 year old son. I believed that I was in a perfect marriage and was married to the most perfect husband. Five years ago I came across a message from my husband’s work colleague who he never told me about. I was preganant at the time. I was angry about it and he said they were not even friends. I trusted him.

      Two years later I saw a message from her asking him to pick her up coz her car was troubling. He said that he spoke to her and that the message was sent to the wrong person and was meant for someone else. I still brushed it off and never thought anything of it because I trusted him so much. A month ago he received a message on his phone, which I opened. It was the same work colleague telling him that she’s not coming to work etc. When I confronted him he denied knowing who the message was from so I asked that he call the number. He then admitted that it was her but that they were just friends.

      Through a whole week there was one lie after another until eventually he says his final story is the truth. According to him there was never any affair. They are just friends and he has never had any feelings for her. The reason he never told me is coz he knew I didn’t like her but he didn’t want to be embarrased at work by being the odd one out. Because of all the lies I don’t believe him; I don’t have reason to. I have been an emotional wreck having to take pills to calm myself.

      We had an amazing marriage but it has taken one lie to cause everything to fall apart. He says he loves me and no one else. I feel cheated that he could still lie to me after all his wrongdoings. One lie after another and yet he still expects me to believe him! He was also messaging her and deleting the messages. What husband does that? I gave my life to my marriage and my family and he betrayed me. I feel like I can’t go on yet I love him so much.

      • Rose says:

        (S.AFRICA) Pam I am so sorry you are going through such a troubling time. When your spouse lies to you over and over again, trust goes out the window. Your husband’s behavior is very suspicious. My husband did all these things including the “we are ONLY FRIENDS” bit. He was having an affair! If they “have nothing to hide they will hide nothing,” why is it so important for him to make sure all sms’s etc are deleted? Pam, I am divorced now as a result of similar circumstances. It is soul-destroying especially when all you want is the truth. Please pray and find a time to sit your husband down and tell him just what his secret and lying behaviur is doing to you. Ask for the truth, show your love and, no matter how hard it may be, forgive and find solutions to your marriage problems. This however has to be his wish as well. Bless you I will be praying for you.

  28. Michael from United States says:

    My story. I thought that a year after this has all happened I would be better. But I’m not. I’m still sad, angry and hate-filled, maybe not as sad; I don’t cry much anymore. My wife of 14 years cheated on me. She told me she wanted a divorce but then agreed to work on it. I didn’t know this at the time but that was a lie. She had no intention of working on anything. We are both Christians.

    She went on a date with this guy and I confronted them on the date. I still wish I had beaten the teeth out of both their heads. I know that’s wrong but I want that so badly to hurt them. I’m not a violent person but all of me screams out them wanting to hurt them so bad.

    I saw her the next day and she acted like it was no big deal, actually mad that I snooped through her e-mail. Wow. Really? She was mad if you can believe that. So she talked about divorce and me finding a new place to live.

    Then came D-Day. A day with so much pain it’s hard to imagine. I went to work and I just knew something was up. Yeah I could feel it so I came home early. They had just gotten done. Sheets were still wet and candles were out but warm. They did it in our marriage bed. They weren’t there, which I’m glad because I would be in jail right now. She comes home and I was in the other room pacing thinking what should I do? Confront her? Bury my head in the sand? I confronted her and she said it. Yes we had sex. YES WE HAD SEX. My world crashed down around me. How could you? You said you loved me. No way you could love me. What about our son?

    I have thought long and hard about suicide. Long and hard. It’s still there a real possibility to end this pain and grief. One quick pull of the trigger and it all goes away. I can’t do it though. My love of my son compels me to remain here in the world of pain.

    Will I ever get past this pain or will I be reminded of it for my entire life? I don’t want to be alone as I am so lonely but who would want me? I’m not so ugly but I feel worthless, powerless rejected. I want the pain to end. My anger and hatred toward her is also very real. I’m afraid I would take it out on someone else.

  29. Rebecca from United States says:

    My husband and I were married 19 years with verbal abuse, mental abuse, and controlling going on. So my revenge was having an affair. He found out about it. United said we were just friends and this went on for 5 years. He never let me live it down. He always calling me names; the node of these got worse. 3 years ago he had an affair and walked out my door. For 10 months he was gone. He came back, stayed 6 months, walked out again, says he’s confused; everything is my fault.

    Before he came back this last time I confessed everything. We were supposed to start over with a fresh slate. I confessed everything I’ve ever done; he confessed everything he’s ever done but he still can’t see where he went wrong. I stood up and took responsibility for everything that I’ve done. He said no better of how bad of a husband he was that gave me no reason to have an affair. He can’t see where he was that bad of a husband. He may be right; I may be wrong but at the time that’s why I felt that was my escape.

    Was it right? I wish now I could do it over knowing what I know now, but I guess that’s everybody. We have 3 kids. They’re caught in the middle of it all. He comes in and expects me to just take everything that he dishes out. He doesn’t see how bad he hurts me. I see how bad I am. You might ask me why I continue to put up with it. Just like everybody else, I don’t want to be alone financially.

  30. Jenn from Korea, Republic of says:

    I’ve been cheated on twice. Once when I was pregnant. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. And the second time when my husband went into the army. It’s been 6 years since the second time. Each time he told me that he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. And when I confronted him with it and told him I was going to leave him… He’d say no, I love you… lets make it work and then he’d leave me.

    He denied me and our children. He told everyone I was crazy and that I was a liar. I saw the text messages and pictures from both of the people he had affairs with. And even though it’s been 6 years… I can’t get them out of my mind. It’s pure torture. Now he’s been looking at porn and it really bothers me and makes me so sick. He says it’s not cheating and gets mad that even bring it up.

    I don’t think I can do this anymore. He has never really apologized to me about the affairs or anything. If I try to talk about it he gets mad. I’ve never gotten over it and I don’t think I will. I relive it everyday. Little things trigger my memory. I wish I could just forget. My heart hurts so bad. I’ve tried and tried to forgive him, but I can’t. I really don’t have anyone to talk to and I’m just feeling really down today.

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