Marriage Missions International

Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

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Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”


Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:



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464 Responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal”
  1. Jane from United States says:

    Well, my husband of 10 yrs whom I’ve been with for 17 years and loved so much, cheated on me with my friend which we went and saw everyday, stayed the nights with, camped out with, and so on. I was told this but didn’t believe it. She was into girls; he even had her come to our 10th wedding aniverary at a motel and we went out. She was dating my cousin, which was a girl, and she looked like a man.

    Well, my uncle that helped raised me died and my husband sent me out of town with my cousin, which I was never allowed to go any where with, to go help my mom. Then my sister got really sick and again I was on the trip alone. My 6 year old son told me when I got home that daddy and my friend made him sleep in a different room, which he never had to do. He always slept with us. He said they were watching tv so that got me thinking the stories I’d heard were true.

    Come to find out his whole family, which I live beside, knew my family, and knew the friend had a abortion and that the affair had been going on for 2 years. They sleep together in my bed. I have 3 children and am from a different state. Where I now live I have no one to go to. He is a great dad to the kids so I can’t take them away from him so here I am stuck till all my kids are grown. How do I start to heal and not feel so hurt all the time and fear that it’s matter of time before I go through it again. Please help. Every time I get over it, it comes right back.

  2. Lisa from United States says:

    My HUSBAND of 20 yrs. has admitted to me that the day we were married was the day everything “changed” for him. I was a model, very outgoing, had many male and female friends. He was so jealous, of EVERYONE. I was no longer allowed to have friends, including his own sister. I went to work and became best friends with a girl. He began saying, “she needs a good man like me.” This became his mantra. Then it was all women we knew, including family.

    He began lying and cheating with my best friend, my sister in law, and God knows how many more. Over the years I became depressed. Drs had me on 11 different anti depressants. I blamed, as he did, myself. For several years I, once independent and confident and self assured, lost all self esteem. Got fat. Then he tells me he can’t “do it” anymore and he leaves. I fall apart, get 2 DUIs lose my license. Couldn’t pay fines kept going back to jail. For a good year. Chased him begged him to come to has senses. We divorced. Finally I got him to give it another chance. Then from a close family friend I found out horrible things. He’d hid over $10,000 from me. Had all my family and his thinking EVERYTHING was my fault. He had everyone fooled.

    I had a gut instinct intuition the entire 19 yrs. I FINALLY learned to heed. Needless to say we reconciled. I discovered AGAIN he was cheating, kicked him out, and have recently had to see my Dr. because he has given me HPV. I’m beyond hurt, anger. …I’m SO DONE WITH HIM. There’s no love left for him!!

  3. Helen from says:

    My husband of 15 years cheated on me. I found out 2 days before my birthday when the girl’s husband called to tell me about it. I was totally blindsided. I feel violated, embarassed, stupid, insecure and a host of other emotions. I thought this man was playing some kind of cruel joke on me. I confronted my husband and he admitted to the affair. I checked phone records and saw the number of texts going back and forth between the two of them. As if this was not enough, I also found two other numbers that were consistent for regular texts. As it turned out there were two other women whom he enjoyed sexting with and these two had been the pleasure of his interests for over a year. How in the world did I not see this coming? He said well we were having problems. That is no excuse for not communicating his displeasure to me. Apparently it was easier to ignore our relationship and go elsewhere to fulfill whatever needs he needed met. Such a violation to our wedding vows. Dear God keep me sane. We are trying to work it out…he is going to counseling and we have begun to pray together regularly. We also communicate more openly and he has sworn to make it up to me. He says he loves me and he will never disrespect our marriage or me in that way again. Lord help me. I want us to work out. One day at a time.

    • Fran from Canada says:

      My heart breaks for you. There are so many damaged hearts out there. I am one of them. I held on to the point of making myself mentally ill. I send blessings that you will find God’s path for you.

  4. Roger from United States says:

    We’ll I’m still in the anger stage after my wife of 24 years cheated on me and it adds insult to injury when I read this gender biased help info. Not all cheaters are men as is apparent from this writing. I was a Christian for 49 years. I don’t believe anymore but I wish I did, I still want to.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Roger, I’m so sorry that you see this as “gender biased.” It was never meant to be. As we’ve said in other articles and comments, there are MANY more articles written, where the wife is the one who has been betrayed. This is both in Christian resources, AND those on the secular side. I wish every article was written where both genders are addressed, recognizing they can either be the victims or those who betray. But unfortunately, this isn’t how it is. So, what we do is to try to find all we can that ministers, and hope that people can change pronouns.

      What I did do here though, is put a disclaimer at the top of this article, hoping people will better understand that we aren’t saying men are always the cheaters, and neither are women always the victims; the reverse is true too. It’s just this article that is written from this vantage point. We hope this will help.

      Also, please know Roger, that I grieve with you over what you have gone through and are going through. NO ONE could ever understand the depth of pain this brings the spouse who has been cheated on, unless he or she has gone through this horror themselves. I’m so, so sorry that you find yourself in this place. I’m also so grieved for you that your faith faltered as a result of this horrible thing that your wife did against you and your marriage. God gives us all the freedom of choice. Your wife used hers to poison your marriage and deeply, deeply hurt you. I’m truly sad for you and hope that somehow, someday you will be able to not blame God for her horrible actions. I pray for you, and I pray for other victims that post here. My heart goes out to you.

    • Arimos from Canada says:

      My friend, I feel your pain. Focus on your life and your healing. God Loves you my friend. Even though you may not be very happy with Him right now, you must understand He never wanted this for you! He is with you through everything. Talk to him in your quiet moments, yell, scream but do communicate. GOD is great. Hey, I physically could not move one more inch one time and a car picked me up and helped me. When I said I must walk alone again today, a mysterious man walked with me and listened to my plight. I felt God’s comfort. Reach out and you will too. The light is at the END of the tunnel so expect dark days and nights. Be strong Brother!

    • Christine from United States says:

      What does the sins of people have to do with a loving God? I’ve been saved for as long as I remember. I’m 54. I was married at the age of 18 for 33 years to an unbeliever, my bad. He drank and finally cheated; we divorced and he married her. It was the most painful experience of my life. At one point the pain was so raw I couldn’t live with it. I just wanted to die and go be with the Lord. God had other plans. I’m remarried, happy again. Life is not a bed of roses but I know this is not my home. Heaven is. I don’t blame God for all the evil in the world, I thank him for dying on the cross for me, never leaving me, picking me up when I can’t walk, and pouring out blessings in the midst of pain. Life hurts, but in the end it WILL be worth it all.

  5. Mark from United States says:

    This is from one man’s perspective. I am a chronic cheater. I wouldn’t say habitual but it has recurred in our long time relationship. We’ve been married 27 years. We were separated in 1992. I saw someone, but I went back home and we reconciled. Then that same woman I’d cheated with appeared in my community in 2005 and we emailed, and it happened again several times.

    We reconciled again, and it was to be the last time. Then this year it happened again. A few times over the course of one year. Now it’s over. I feel horrible for the pain I’ve caused her. I’ve thought about killing myself, but it wouldn’t do anything good and would hurt my kids terribly. We’re now separated in home until we can divide everything up. My reasons WHY are:

    – There’s always been something in my head screaming to get out.
    – She buys, buys, buys things and we’ve filled a huge house with far more possessions in every corner than I can imagine
    – I work out and care about my fitness; she gained a bunch of weight over the years and is taking pills for high blood pressure. She’s given into the aging process and is afflicted with all the things that go with inactivity and stress.
    – She cares so much about her work. It’s all she talks about.
    – She drinks too much, about a bottle of wine per night.
    – I am artistic, and musical. She’s not artistic, or interested in discussions about any of the things I am. She never listens to me play guitar. She doesn’t appreciate ME for who I am, and never says a single nice thing to me about what I do, or what makes me unique. This has never been the case.

    Our counselor once told me that an affair isn’t about sex. It’s sometimes just about lack of communication. I didn’t know how to tell her all the things I list above… but these are some of the reasons I was screaming to get out. Sex with that twisted, stupid woman I care nothing about is what killed our marriage, in the end – but it’s not the reason.

    I wish I would have found the words, and the will, to tell her these things above. I tried to tell her little ways, little things “You have to stop buying things. This is driving me crazy.” “I wish you would come work out with me.” “You feel so much better when you work out” etc etc. But these pile of reasons never built up enough to break through the mundane details and have that talk. If I did, I wonder if she would be just as hurt. I don’t know. Either way, it’s painful and hurtful. Now she has a reason, and someone to blame. I’m to blame, I realize that. I feel awful.

    I just wanted to give you my impressions of why I cheated. I didn’t know what to do. I was screaming to live a life apart: on my own. I never wanted to get caught, but I guess I figured that might happen. I don’t really know yet… it’s what I’m guessing. I know that’s messed up… but I’m just trying to understand my own mind. Thank you for listening.

    • Candice from Australia says:

      Sooo… You cheated because your wife was overweight and was a devoted professional, she enjoys spending the money she enjoys earning, and she enjoys a few drinks of an evening to wind down after her work. You seem to really believe you are the victim here. I do not think you are. I’m sorry but you come across as shallow, chauvinistic, jealous and insecure.

      • Missy from United States says:

        I’m late to the game but have to agree. Yep. You are a serial cheater because you aren’t watering the grass in his own yard but looking for greener. Sad.

    • Rebecca from New Zealand says:

      Hi Mark, I’m just reeling after my husband confessed his infidelity to me. I knew he had a relationship that broke off last year but he always denied that it had a sexual element as well. We were trying to work out our marriage and he felt he should tell me there was sex as well because he couldn’t go forward without being truthful to me.

      For some reason, all that you’ve written actually makes sense to me. It also makes me realize that the sex was just part of the problem and not the reason for it all. I am too hurt at this point and I may sound very disjointed but I pray that you and your wife can walk with God – separately or together.

    • Jenna from says:

      Mark, You wrote this a long time ago but I can’t not respond because your comment is infuriating. When cheaters blame the person they cheat on for their own choices it’s just infuriating. You need to throw out your entire comment because nothing in it is anywhere close to the reason you cheated.

      You cheated because of YOU. YOU don’t know how to cope with your INTERNAL issues, so YOU try to make YOUR pain someone else’s problem. YOU are insecure. YOU are unfulfilled by YOUR own energy. YOU are lacking a sense of who YOU are within YOU because YOU don’t look within YOU for why YOU feel the way YOU feel. YOU don’t love YOURSELF, so you don’t have the capability to give love and respect to another because you can’t give to another what you don’t have within YOU.

      No matter how much you try to make lists and create reasons to blame others and avoid responsibility for YOUR behavior and choices, they are always going to be just that… YOUR behavior and choices. The point I’m trying to make with the ridiculous capitals is that it’s mind blowing how cheaters ignore the incredibly obvious truth that the choices they make are their OWN responsibility.

      Cheating is 100% about the cheater and not the cheated on. When you are a cheater, you will be a cheater no matter who you are with. You will always find a reason to cheat no matter the other person’s size, job, personality, or any other thing you can try to about them, but it has nothing to do with them. People have differences in relationships all of the time….that’s the point, you are separate people who are relating. People who love themselves interact and experience each other. People who don’t love themselves act out on and hurt each other…and that’s what cheating is…acting out and harming.

      Until you are willing to look inside of yourself and be honest about who YOU are and recognize that it’s about YOU, you will never change, and you will never truly know love. So you can go on with your life blaming those around you for YOUR inability to be a man of integrity and honor., and you will never become one. Or you could look within yourself and truly seek what it is in YOU that YOU need to heal to become one.

      • Holley from United States says:

        Jenna, You hit the nail on the head! Funny that your post was on the date that my divorce was final. I was married for 14 years and my husband cheated. When he first cheated I was devastated. We went to counseling and I thought all was well. I found out that he went back to his mistress about a year after counseling and fathered a child with her. I did not find out until December of 2012 so the kid was about 18 months old. I went to the mistress’ house and caught her off guard getting the child out of the car seat. I thought I was going to vomit because the child looks just like my ex husband. When I confronted her she said that the child was his and that when she told him about it, he wanted her to get an abortion. She didn’t get the abortion and he cut all communication off with her after. Although it isn’t the child’s fault, I DO NOT feel bad for the mistress because you knew he was married and if he is not loyal to his wife why would you think he’d care about you?

        I filed for divorce in 2013. He wouldn’t sign for 2 years. I asked him to leave the home several times. He wouldn’t leave. I finally got fed up as things started to get violent (punching holes in walls, throwing things across the room), he left in August and has a girlfriend now that he has had while living in the home. New girl doesn’t know about the child with mistress. I have a feeling that now that he’s officially divorced the mistress will come for paternity and child support. I have 2 kids with him and my child support is about to come soon.

        It hurts that even after conceiving a child he has went out and did it again after holding my life up for 2 years. But God is good! All things happen for a reason and I don’t have a doubt or regret for divorcing him. Let this new girl think she can change him; she knew he was married so she’ll get cheated on too because he truly is a lost soul.

    • K from United States says:

      Hi. Although hard to hear, thank you for the courage to say all of that – knowing that you would have some negative comments. It’s helpful to get things out in any forum you can. I have been in a blissfully happy relationship for twelve years. We appreciated everything about one another fully. We appreciated each other as people in every way possible, loved each other with all of our hearts, and had the deepest appreciation for each other in artistic, intellectual and philosophical ways. We talked about everything. Even found ourselves taking car rides for 6 hours and never turning on the radio because we were so inthralled with one another. We HAD that connection you were craving.

      Our problems were more physical. I was fully aware of the issues (pretty much exclusively intimacy related) in my relationship, discussed them with my husband, and tried to work on them. It was still not enough (thought that might be helpful for you to hear). He still cheated on me after our 12 year anniversary. Our situations are different, and it was only one short recent non-emotional only physical affair, but it does not hurt any less. He is extremely remorseful, and is terrified his mistake will end our relationship, and he has only ever wanted to be with me, and is distraught about his poor decision. I have only ever wanted to be with him too, but feel so betrayed.

      I do take responsibility for my faults in the relationship but still struggle with how to get over the anger, loss of trust, and broken heart. I truly wish I could just move forward with him and come out of this that much stronger, but I really don’t know if I have it in me. I feel as though his selfish actions ruined one of the best relationships ever; one people would give anything to have. I am taking everything day by day, but I just don’t know how it will end up. Whether what you needed was emotional or physical, you were not getting what you needed. The problem is, the choice to not leave and find what you needed elsewhere, and end the relationship, or figure out if you could make it work in your current relationship before going outside the relationship was the error.

      It takes a strong person to make a decision that it is not fair to your partner for you to have your cake and eat it too. I held the love of my life to a higher standard and he disappointed both of us. Let both of us down. Put both of our futures in jeopardy. It basically comes down to one thing. You are either strong enough to hold yourself to the standard that cheating is not ever an option, or you are not. I wish to God that he was strong enough to do that for me but he wasn’t.

      The event did not come from some horrible situation where one of us was not happy. He just could not imagine being without me, but still wanted something he did not feel he was getting, and decided to go elsewhere. So, in the end, I think I am saying, if you are going to cheat, that has to do with what you decided to do with the cards you were dealt. The choice was yours no matter what you were “dealing with.” Own that decision – you made- and learn from it. You may not be able to fix what you did, but maybe you will come to know yourself better in the process.

  6. Arimos from Canada says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen, First of all, my heart goes out to you all. May you achieve peace and bear your burdens with grace. I was violently removed from my matrimonial home of 14 years by my wife’s accusations of violence. These were untrue but the police naturally accepted her story immediatly and it was only after there was no evidence that they released me unconditionally. I phoned home to ask what was going on only to find a lawyer’s name, number and the home was up for sale. I had been gone for one day.

    We have several small children who have been devastated by this event. I’m mostly in pain for them. I mourn the time I lost with them. As for my wife, she called me early the second morning to tell me that it was all a set up to get rid of me, get government assistance fast, a free lawyer, and to get all the money without me. She then proceeded to tell me that she never actually loved me for the entire 14 years. She threw away the wedding rings and jewelry and said she lied to me the whole time because she didn’t want to embarass her family who paid for the wedding initially. After that she had no excuse to stay except to use me for money.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I gave her my heart and soul. I loved her with every ounce of my being. I never held her back, I didn’t force her to marry me, she made a choice. Now, I am the pariah. I support her and my children and I live in poverty. I can only say, that I forgive her. I find her immature, ignorant and selfish. We could have communicated better in our marriage and she absolutely could have gone her way earlier and not trifled with our childrens lives. My crime, marrying with my heart. Hers, lying to me for fourteen years and neglecting our children. I’m not even heart broken anymore. I’m just sad. I will now die alone for in my culture, a man gets one chance at marriage and true love… I chose poorly. I am where I need to be.

    Even though I walk alone, know this, your pain will be carried in my heart, as well. Let it be so! I am strong and I do not give up life. I will carry your burdens with mine away to a far away place where they will be laid to rest and you my friends can move on with your lives. Don’t look back, you’ll only see a lie. Look ahead where there is hope derived in Love. God loves us all… none of this was how it was supposed to happen. Peace.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      How very sad I am for you and for your children. And how I pray for you and your children –that God will minister to your broken hearts. I also pray that God opens your wife’s eyes to see the horror she has caused for all of you. Perhaps when her eyes are opened, she can make some better decisions that won’t hurt you and your family, as much in the future. Again, my heart goes out to you, as it does to the hundreds of men and women who are telling their stories here of how they have been victimized by their spouse’s betraying ways.

    • Nem from United States says:

      I have the same exact story as a husband and now alone for past two years. My wife ran away when I was in another country on a job assignment. She kidnapped my children and since then I have not been able to meet or talk to them. She filed a false domestic violence case against me but by God’s grace it was dismissed. For the last two years she has cut off all communication and I don’t know the state of my children. I’m fighting child custody and believing God will help me regain my children. Women are more cruel, treacherous, egoistic liars than men. It is said 70 percent women file for divorce. Why? Because they have cheated and want to protect their sins. Today women rape men rather than vice versa. It was EVE in the Garden of Eden who first sinned and lead ADAM to sin. Till today Satan uses women to cheat and destroy families. Women are very good at blaming men for infidelity but they are only trying to protect their own infidelity.

    • Maria from United Kingdom says:

      K, I feel for you and through all your pain you remain very focused and objective. I pray you find healing with every day that goes by. I face my own pain of my husband cheating. He then befriends the brothers of these women so he can carry on his indiscretions and bring them home as “friends”. Your words touched me in a positive way and I thank you.

  7. Moxie from United States says:

    This article was sent to me by an ex-boyfriend. My “betrayal” was that I responded to a “Happy New Year” message from someone I dated in the 1980s, with a “Happy New Year :)” back. At the time I sent the message, my boyfriend and I were estranged. When we reunited, I deleted the message to the 1980s guy because I knew my boyfriend would be angry that I had sent it. Originally, when he confronted me, I denied it because I didn’t understand what he was upset about. I then sent a FB comment to my girl friend calling him “emotionally immature” because I didn’t know why he was mad. Once I understood that he knew about the communication, I apologized and promised not to do it again. In his eyes, my “betrayal” includes this message to my girl friend.

    We are both in our late 40s, have been dating for about 4.5 years, and this happened about 8 months ago. My ex-boyfriend has displayed extreme anger over this situation and feels that I’m not owning up to my cheating/betrayal. He calls me a liar and writes, “I hope one day you’ll realize just how much it kills me to talk to you the way I have when we’re fighting, I do it because I lost all respect for you. I feel betrayed in so many ways by you.” (He has called me names that I can’t even begin to repeat.)

    I know that what I did was hurtful to him and I definitely regret doing it. I feel that he’s holding this against me with an over intensity that is inappropriate. The “punishment” doesn’t fit the crime.

    I’ve been trying to help this man to understand that his reaction is not rational, and he needs help. (I am already in therapy because I recognize that my codependency leads me to create these types of problems by being deceptive and passive aggressive. I originally sent the “Happy New Year” message in hopes that he would see it and get angry because I was mad at him during our estrangement.)

    I’ve ended the relationship with my “now ex” boyfriend because I won’t continue without us participating in some kind of couples counseling, and his getting the help I feel he needs. I guess I’m writing this hoping for some unbiased opinions.

    • Shirley from United Kingdom says:

      Head-games are never a good thing, so to send any kind of message in order to ‘get back at’ someone else, is wrong. However, the fact that you sent an innocent message should be acceptable, whether you were in a relationship or not. It’s a free country, he cannot dictate to you what you can and cannot do. He seems insecure and controlling. He is jealous of your communication with your girlfriend, and again, you are entitled to share feelings with your friends if you wish. He needs help, and I can’t help feeling you are out of his league.

  8. Beth from United States says:

    My husband is a pastor. I first caught him using pornography when our daughter was 6 months old, about 15 years ago. I thought I would lose it, went to separate and couples counseling. He started traveling with a band, where he travels and stays away a lot, still pastoring though. I caught him cheating. Of course, he lied about it and said that women were after him. Come to find out he was cheating with prostitutes. He had been doing this for a year. He told me he would quit, but no, he just got sneakier. I started getting the phone records to find out that he was still having contact with several of them, the younger the better.

    I have begged him to go to counseling, he thinks that he is above counseling and told me that he had stopped and of course, he has not been intimate with me these last two years, even though he tells me it is me that is not intimate. I just found out this week that he called (this being different cause he usually texts them) one of them, the night that he was out supposedly working. I called him on it and he told me that she called him and he told her that he doesn’t cheat anymore. I know that he called her first, she called him, then he called her back.

    I am at a loss on what to do. I have turned the cheek so many times and I am trying everything to keep the marriage going at least for my kids sake, but feel that this is not right for me or the church. I am so angry, depressed and lonely, but trying to stay as positive as I can to keep up a good front.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Hi Beth, I’m so, so, so very sorry for what you are going through with your husband. He is absolutely delusional if he thinks that this is okay in any way or that he won’t eventually get caught. The Bible says “Be sure your sin will find you out” and I’ve seen it over and over again that this happens. Somehow, in some way, he WILL get caught and will be exposed publicly. And imagine what this will do to in being a stumbling block to so very, very many. It gives the enemy of our faith an enormous arsenal of ammunition to do great harm to God’s Kingdom work. There will be a horrible ripple effect on so many levels that he (you and your family) will have to deal with as he will be paraded nakedly ashamed through the public square. NO ONE is above counseling… ESPECIALLY him. He should know better.

      Beth, you have to be the hero here before this public parade happens. I encourage you to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family at They have counselors (some of them being pastors) on staff that can give you some good advice. They also have a whole ministry devoted to pastors and their families. But even if your husband doesn’t think he needs counseling, YOU need to get the specific help that is needed here. A line in the sand should have been drawn a long time ago, so it’s all the more important not to let more time slip away. I would not walk, but would RUN for help on this. You will need the help, as well as him.

      Also, if you go into the Pornography and Cybersex topic on this web site, you will find many articles, plus links provided to many ministries, who specialize in this area of life who can guide you (and your husband when he finally sees the light and goes for it). PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take advantage of the help that is available. Nothing should stop you; please don’t let it. There is too much at stake. He needs to get help and have accountability partners put into place. He truly needs help. He has reprogrammed his sexual set point. He is no less addicted than someone who plays with the worst of drugs. It changes his whole psyche in this area of life. The more you study this, the more you’ll understand how insidious this type of addiction is in the way it can totally alter a person’s brain. It can be brought back to a “normal” set point, but it will take A LOT –especially since he has been playing with these hot coals for so long… he WILL get burned.

      Also, there is a ministry that you can find at, which helps thousands of those who reach out to them. They would know how to best help your husband and you –the victimized wife. Please look around their web site. Read a few articles and contact them to find out how they can help you, and perhaps how you can convince your husband to get the help he needs. There WILL be a shake up in his life. It would be better if it came from your hand in being God’s colleague here, helping your husband to beat this horrible addiction. This is NOT about you or what you have or haven’t, should or should not do, but about him giving into temptations and running with it, rather than fleeing from it.

      It is so much better for him to “come clean” with his superiors than being “outed.” That’s not to say it will be easy for him, but to avoid the worst kind of public shame and humiliation he needs to humble himself before the Lord, confess his sin to God and your church leaders. We are praying for great wisdom for you as you move forward through this great trial.

  9. Bria from United States says:

    What do you do if you can’t prove it? There have been several accounts of finding porn on his phone, which he has locked me out of for years, claiming it was because I wanted to find something suspicious. He denied deleting porn off of our computer; I was aware of it being there and witnessed it disappearing after he took the computer from me.(HE NEEDED TO CHECK HIS EMAIL). Last but not least, around the time that I was pregnant with our first child and recovering postpartum, in his email account he had sexual related emails going to random women on a craigslists social media website. He was very secretive with his cell phone and traveling out of the house a lot around this time. I just can’t convince myself that he has not done anything wrong like he wants me to believe. He said that it has to be a hacker that has used his account to contact these women, but I thought hackers hacked for financial reasons. That just doesn’t sound like a good enough explanation for me. I feel so angry at him, I keep tying everything he has done to emotionally and physically hurt me into this problem. I’m on a roller coaster! I just don’t understand why someone would use his personal cell phone account to contact women for sexual gain. He will not admit to having anything to do with it. I am so hurt and so angry, my life is falling apart. Has anyone been through anything like this?

    • Angel from United States says:

      Bria, Yes, I have been through something just like that. He was acting secretive, with his phone and just in general. He seemed different towards me. Almost smirking. He was yelling at me a lot about silly things. When I started questioning things he had fits -he swore he was innocent of anything and that it was in my head. I kept desperately wanting to find out I was wrong while continuing to feel something really bad was happening. It was total shock. I could not find evidence but partly because I was exhausted and he was very clever. I guess he’d been covering up maybe our whole marriage.

      Listen to your instincts. If you were with someone you could solidly trust and count on would you feel this way? Listen to your gut feelings. I didn’t want mine to be true, still cannot believe it, but they were true. In the end I met one of the women when I insisted we go into a bar he’d been acting odd about. And there she was, slamming drinks in front of me she was the bartender. I would have sworn to you before my husband would never ever, I was completely wrong. If you are having to check up on him, if he isn’t letting you see his phone, erasing computer activity… please listen to your gut. I tried to find a counselor while still with him but had bad luck, but if you can talk to someone independent and tell them everything, they may help you see what is going on. And you’ll have someone in your corner. You sound so much like me a year ago. Oh my gosh, I just wish I could help. Do you have a girlfriend you could confide in? Don’t be embarrassed or anything, a friend could help give you moral support.

      You don’t deserve to feel this way. You deserve to have a partner who will look you in the eye, sit down with you in an honest way. There is a website that will sound maybe odd, but it has very good resources and many people who’ve been with someone that all these things were happening with. Okay, it is called and I’m not saying he is a sociopath but have a look at the “red flags” and see if any sound familiar. If it’s not helpful, then nevermind, but try to find an independent person you can talk to.

      Best, best best to you. I’m saying a prayer for you right now. Take care and be careful.

    • Angel from United States says:

      Oh, and I meant to say, ultimately you may not find the evidence. But you have to think about how you feel, if you are happy, how he is treating you, if you feel free and supported and cherished and loved or not. I spent, for myself, far far too long trying to find the evidence and exhausting myself and distressing myself even more. Well, you can check phone records, bank accounts, there’s all sorts of things, but honestly = the best indicator is how do you feel? If he’s so honest and straight forward then why are you feeling so terrified? Things don’t make sense because it sounds like something is very wrong. Look up gaslighting. It’s when someone is deceiving you but tries to make you feel like you’re crazy and they try to distract you from what they are doing. I’m sorry, I’m praying for you. I wish you all the best and you deserve the best in life.

    • Michelle from Canada says:

      The love of my life has been looking at porn at every chance he gets. We havent had sex in a month. He is loving and sweet tells me I am beautiful, sexy etc every day, am not some cold fish either. He knows how much I want him. I’m so confused, hurt and devastated, It’s cheating, I don’t care what men say, it is. It feels no different to me than a real live affair would. My self esteem is being worn down daily. I am physically sick. I am attractive, very loving and willing in bed. Other men want me, but I only have eyes for him. he is all over me, almost teasing me until we are in bed, then nothing. I cannot take the rejection any more so dont initiate sex, Outside of this , the relationship is great. I am so messed up I dont know what to do, I still love him but question his love for me. If I ask him what is wrong , he acts like he doesnt know what I am talking about.. Please help me figure out what to do,

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Michelle, I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s indeed confusing when we’ve been betrayed –whether physically or emotionally. I really do feel bad for you. I remember before I was married to my husband what it was like to be betrayed by a past boyfriend. It’s really difficult. How I wish I could help you, Michelle… I need to say this carefully, but this is a Christian web site, which focuses on marriages –living them in such a way that they reveal and reflect the heart of Christ. Those who are followers of Christ should of course, be faithful to each other, and also have the best of sex lives together because God is LOVE and he wants to bless those who are married in their intimate life with each other. But all of this is within the context of being married.

        I wish we could do more for you than just offering what you can glean and apply from what you read in the articles. But regretfully, we really can’t do much more for you, other than to pray for you and to point you to the Lord, encouraging you to talk to Him about your relationship with Him and your boyfriend. As you do, I pray that you gain wisdom and hope for a better future. I truly wish the best for you Michelle… I sense that you are a very special gal that the Lord loves a lot.

  10. Richard from United Kingdom says:

    I met my wife at work fourteen years ago. We fell in love instantly and within six months I moved in with her in rented accommodation. She had a little seventeen month old boy. The father of her child cheated on her and left when he was three months old. Her son soon started to call me Daddy and I raised him as my own with her together.

    Four years later we got married. Two years later we had a little boy and then a girl two years after that. We had a regular relationship, obviously whilst starting out money was scarce however we struggled through it. We purchased a three bedroom semi-detached house and lived there for eleven years. Twelve months ago we finally moved into a four bedroom detached house which is absolutely beautiful. We were very happy, financially secure and just starting our next stage of life now the children had started school.

    I first detected my wife not being as affectionate in March of this year. I approached her about the difference in her behaviour; she told me ‘I love you and I’m just tired’ I believed her, why wouldn’t I? We continued to sleep with each other, there wasn’t any problems sexually and everything was normal during the day, we weren’t arguing but she had become a little distant at night and was glued to her mobile. I decided to surprise her so I took her to a lovely restaurant for her birthday and where I put flight tickets on the table. I had secretly booked a four day trip to Malta in April (Grandparents were looking after the children) She appeared very happy.

    Our 10th Wedding anniversary in August this year we made love that night. Days later my wife was very cold and hardly speaking. I couldn’t take any more of her hot/cold behaviour so confronted her where she told me she loved me, she cared for me but was no longer in love with me. I was crushed and went into what I can only describe as physical shock. I was cold, I had a temperature and couldn’t stop pacing around. A week later she finally confessed she has been seeing a work colleague where we both work (from what I believe this had started six months prior) the work colleague was also a friend that I had known nine years. During her confession she told me they booked into a hotel the day after our Wedding anniversary and spent the afternoon together. She has left me and she sees the children twice a week. After I survived on a slice of toast a day that I almost choked on eating if not for the water I drank with it. I had no appetite and survived on about 30 minutes sleep four weeks. I lost two and a half stone in weight over 6 weeks.

    After fourteen weeks I’m still completely destroyed and just don’t really know where to begin getting over it. My parents have been a rock for me and I’ve spent hours on the phone talking to them at night.

    My Wife’s lover is married. He has three babies with his current wife, and has been married for only one year in which he has been seeing another woman (not my wife) at the same place where we work. A woman my wife also knew about.

    We all work at the same company, I cannot afford to leave, otherwise we could lose the house and she could try and take my children. It’s madness. I’ve seen a Skype conversation that turned my stomach where they share naked photos and worse. After knowing my wife for fourteen years she never acted in such a way.

    I sometimes feel it would been easier to get over her if she was killed in an accident. I know that sounds macabre but at least I would’ve known she was true to me. I just don’t understand what else I could’ve done to prevent this, she was so loving over the years if I only knew what triggered her to become so unhappy so quickly maybe I could’ve saved our marriage. The result is it’s totally ruined our family. I just wish she could’ve told me that she felt unhappy so we could’ve at least tried even just for our family at least. I asked her why didn’t she tell me and she admitted she didn’t want too.

    Last weekend I began to wrap the children’s Christmas presents. It’s also been a tradition with my wife where I do the wrapping and she does the labeling and organising the piles of presents before being stored. We always played Christmas songs. Whilst I was busy wrapping after sometime I broke down, alone and with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face in total confusion and bewilderment. Last year we wrapped the children’s Christmas presents together. We sang to the songs and even had a play fight with the spare paper; she appeared so happy.

    I’m in such a sad place, I really hope one day I can feel normal again but after feeling like I’ve lost the love of my life I just don’t know where to begin. No human being should be allowed to inflict such pain on another person. It’s such a terrible thing to do. My children help and I act happy and play around in front of them just so they don’t detect my sadness. I still wake up every morning between 4-5 am and most nights in bed as I look to the empty space to the right of me I still break down in tears knowing what we had can never return.

    • Zoe from United Kingdom says:

      After reading your struggle I truly hope you are now in a much happier place.

      • Richard from United Kingdom says:

        Hi Zoe, Thank you for your comment. It’s been over a year since my wife left and so many changes have happened in my life. I divorced her on the ground of adultery. I was lucky enough to keep the family home and I decided joint custody for our children was the best for them. I sometimes reflect on my marriage like a Hollywood blockbuster that’s followed up a poor sequel. Although I have very fond memories of my marriage, its ending has been tarnished irreversibly forever.

        I’ve met someone recently who has brightened my life and she makes me smile constantly whenever I think about her. I guess everything happens for a reason although 12 months ago I felt very different and honestly had thoughts of ending it all the pain was that immense. If not for my children I most likely would’ve however, it occurred to me that with the help of my close friends and family the best thing to do was pick myself up and dust myself down. It’s easier said than done but it is do able. For anyone who has been cheated on and betrayed remember this; there are some very nice loving, and loyal partners out there who are willing to be there for you. These people will never betray you and they will always be there for you.

        I view life differently now and I’d like to think some of the bad parts of me died with my marriage and I’ve taken only the good with me. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad person before but I guess we all have our funny ways, which we try to stop to be a better person. My current partner is quite religious and although I’m a non-practicing Christian her beliefs fill me with so much warmth and comfort very much like a child in a mother’s arms. I have so much more time and respect for people now especially those who need help. If I can give anyone strength or just a guiding hand to help them then maybe, just maybe I can bring happiness to others learnt from the painful experience I endured.

  11. Courtney from United States says:

    My husband and I have only been married for a year and five months, but have been together for almost 4 1/2 yrs total. I had found out while I was pregnant with our daughter last year that he had been talking to another girl. He tried to lie and hide it from me and finally I was able to get the girl to fess up to everything. I stayed and had almost forgiven him until yesterday when I found out he had cheated on me two years ago. Yes, it was two years ago but he had known her for years… I had a suspicion about it when it happened but he assured me that no such thing had happened. I took him at his word.

    About four or five months ago his best friend had begun to come around again and he’s currently engaged with the girl. They also have a daughter a few months younger than ours. They both asked me to befriend her and let her in our home. Still I didn’t know any of this. My husband would give her rides to and from her home because their vehicle was broken down at the time. So now I have befriended this girl and let her in my home helped her, been there for her emotionally, and yesterday she messages me and tells me that I need to get my husband in line because he decided to be truthful with his best friend while they were out of town working. She then tells me everything.

    I don’t know what to do or how to even feel. I’m so angry it’s becoming very hard not to become physical with him. I’ve done so much for him and then he does this to me. How am I suppose to forgive something like this? Who does this to someone that they love? I just cannot bring myself to understand it. I feel so nasty and gross like I need to disinfect my entire body. (She has been around the block at least a few hundred times).

    I can barely even look at him. I’m hurt and tired and mad. I know I should try to make it work with our marriage because some part of me does love him. I know that even though I don’t exactly feel that way right now but we also have a daughter, and I don’t believe in divorce. So what am I suppose to do to try to overcome this? We cannot even have a conversation because I cannot keep myself in check long enough to be civil. I am so at a loss.

  12. Jaime from United States says:

    23 years ago I left the country with my then girfried of 3 years. She was 15 & I was 19…we lied to her parents about my age. My mother had died and I went to take care of all she left behind. I was back to where I grew up and was having immature fun in drinking and friends; even chad 2 one night stands. My girlfriend found out and stopped all of it. After 4 months her parents demanded her to return home cause it was taking too long.

    I stayed behind and 4 months turned into 6; we talked very little but we loved each other dearly. Then after 9 months she calls and says she was sad cause she felt I didn’t love her. I tried to talk but she started yelling and hung up. I called multiple times with no success.

    So I hurried back asap for I had to see her and tell her I wanted to Marry her but had no luck reaching her and her sister finally confirmed she had someone else. She disappeared from me for 21 yrs, so when she contacted me I couldn’t believe it.We talked about how we always missed and loved each other but then she told me who the father of her 3 children was. It was a man that she had denied having a sexual relationship with at age 14 and him 28! Idid not know that they were intimate back then. I would have not respected her the same and she knew this so she lied. And when she came back they reencountered now she is 18 and him 32. This has been devastating for my heart and that girl I knew and loved seems like a fantasy.

    I thought she was loyal, sincere, kind and considerate. She blamed me for not coming back and not calling enough. I know that influenced, but she didn’t have to lie and say “she was the only one of her friends that went out and had no one when she had been having sex with this man for 2 months prior to getting pregnant. After that she told all her family and friends that I have always been the love if her life – even her kids.

  13. Philip from Ghana says:

    My wife betrayed me. I do not understand, and I do not know what to do now.

    • Gugue from Zimbabwe says:

      My hubby betrayed me too. I pretend we are fine but the pain is just unbearable. I think about suicide and my kids just give me strength. Often I cry myself to sleep. It’s just hell.

      • Sylwia from United Kingdom says:

        Hi Gugue, I know exactly how you feel as I feel exactly the same. I have a son that keeps me alive but it’s not a life that I am living …it’s a hell! My husband cheated on me, made another woman pregnant, lied to me. When I told him about everything he insulted me and told me that it’s all my fault, that I am delusional. On top of everything he USED me to get his residency in the UK. He is from Ghana. I am an emotional wrecked and I wish I was no more in this world.

  14. VERITAS from Nigeria says:

    I’ve been dating this guy for some years now, but later decide to quit because it’s a long distance relationship. We do have arguments cus my mind is not there. We stopped any sexual issue for years now. I always starved him from sex when we see and when he asked for. Now I have finally decided to start over with him, because I feel and see that I still have strong feelings for him.

    He isn’t responding well. I guess he’s fed up with me. But I want us to get back again and even if we didn’t, I want him to fogive me off all my offences in case of tomorrow. How can I go about this? I still love him and want him back.

  15. Em from United Kingdom says:

    I wish I could talk to someone. I’ve been married 30 years. His happiness was mine. I loved for him to be free and never nagged or ‘owned’ him. We were best friends (although he was selfish in bed). Then he left me. He says I’m ‘wonderful’ and he wants to find a woman ‘just like me but younger’. I am 50.

    I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this. The pain is devastating. Then last week he phoned to say he was coming back. He felt too guilty and he realised he owed me better than this. He sat in our house talking about how broken hearted his new woman was; how she fell in love with him the day she met him. Then he sat looking misplaced and distant and checking his phone. I said ‘don’t come back because you feel guilty. You only have one life. If you don’t want me go and find what you do want’. We cried. Hugged. He said my hair looked nice (whoa that’s OK then!) He left. They’re going on holiday. He e-mailed to say ‘nice to see you. Thanks for your kindness.’

    30 years of good marriage ends in that pathetic line. I am bereft. Our children are fine about it. I’m lost; just hit with a wall of emotion. It’s too much.

  16. Gugue from Zimbabwe says:

    I can’t seem to be moving forward. Wish I could wake up and find out its a dream… **** hurt.

  17. Jane from United States says:

    I recently reconnected with “Tim”, an old high school sweetheart. It’s been 20 years since we have seen each other, but there was a bright flicker when I bumped into him. Upon discovery of his unhappy marriage and ending there of, we began messaging each other, which became almost daily and frequent. I was unhappy in my relationship and honestly wanted to reach out to support him.

    It seemed harmless at first, but the old feelings hadn’t died. My husband recently discovered the abundant messaging on our account and confronted me about it. He insists we are more than friends. He feels betrayed. I have feelings for Tim, I cannot deny. He seems so natural. The feeling is mutual. Because my husband is such a concrete thinker, I do not feel as though he will ever overcome the hurt. I am now wondering where and who I want to be with to lead a healthy, happy and fulfilling life.

  18. Sally from Malaysia says:

    Hi, I am 44 years, married for 20 years with 3 sons aging 19,17 and 9. I found out my husband had an affair with a married woman (work mate) 17 years ago. We had big argument and I attempted suicide. He promised he will never do that again and asked for a chance. I trusted him and carried on life with him.

    I thought he had changed but four years ago I found out he was still having an affair with the same lady. This time I told him I will file for divorce and I consumed sleeping tablets. He asked for a final chance and would never repeat. He promised.

    For my children’s sake I ageed and hoped he would keep his word. However, in January this year I found out he is still attached with her. I applied divorce and confronted him. He cried and said he will put a stop to the relationship, asking for a last chance. He just wants to change as I filed divorce and not for his own self awareness.

    His feeling towards that lady (someone’s wife) is so strong my sacrifices and our marriage never carry weightage for him. I am yet to go for the 1st session of counseling. It’s in May. I am considering my children. I cannot force him to love me and there is no love for him anymore. He has continuously hurt me and breaks his promises.

    All of sudden he wants to change as he is worried the public will come to know his act and he has no family. For years he has left me alone. He has spent all his love talks with her. He hardly calls during working hours but the moment he steps out of house he calls her and before he reaches home. In between they share their love affection via whatsapp.

    Throughout these 20 years of marriage, not even once has he sent I love you, or dear, or darling messages to me but he sends that daily to someone else’s wife. What he needed is a machine to run his family and take care his kids. Only both of them have feelings. For him I appear to be wood, without feelings.

  19. Don from United States says:

    I’ve been with my wife 24 years and have been a good husband. I set her up financially and did everything for her from bringing her breakfast in bed to flowers, nice gifts and cards. She returned the favor by getting into a romance scam and chatting with men on chat rooms to having strange men call the house while I was at church.

    Now I’m losing my home and everything I have worked hard for. I hope and pray this will come back to haunt her! She has broken me emotionally and financially. She is selfish and self-centered and telling lies about me to friends to hide her guilt and horrible actions. I’ve never seen such a woman do such horrible things.

  20. Brenda from United States says:

    I have been married for 40 years. My husband left me last year when I had 2 knee replacements at the same time. He has been cheating on me all these years with his ex-wife and another woman. I was living in a bubble. I treated him like a king. He left me saying, “you clean too much, you take care of business too much & you don’t watch sports, but the disaster to this marriage were your knees”.

    He developed some dementia & came under the influence of his 3 children & ex-wife. He & his son have been transferring property and keeping things concealed from me all these years. He was a Major General in the Army & has been emotionally abusive all during our marriage. I just took it & would hope things would be better. I thought I had a good marriage but that is impossible to have if you are the only one working at it. He is a narcissist who has no thoughts as to any pain, sickness or peril I had.

    The pain has been unbelievable. When he left, I filed for divorce & he has not spoken to me in over a year. He & his ex-wife are getting our home we built 26 years ago ready for them to move into. The divorce is horrific & things have been done by him & his entire family that are unbelievable to me.

    The only way I have gotten through this is my church, and my wonderful friends. The pain is not as powerful as it was at first but is still there. He & his ex go to the club we went to for 25 years as if they are married. We are in a horrific divorce. I pray to God every day to get me through this mess & away from any thought of him or his family.

  21. Angela from Australia says:

    My husband has cheated on me for the last 10 years with my ex sister in law, who was still seeing my brother and sleeping with him and everyone else in the process. My brother left her for another woman and married her. But still saw his ex wife and that’s how he can see his kids. It was more to blackmail him. I felt sorry for her. Now he left his family and kids. We were still friends going shopping. I would babysit for her and she would go to work. We were like sisters.

    My brother would not talk to me because I knew he was still seeing her and he knew I didn’t like that cos he was married to someone else. In June 26 2014 my husband finally told me the truth about him and her. That realy hurts me; she used me for her games. On the 10th of December my daughter got diagnosed with stomach cancer that was so devastating for all of us. Then my future son in law from my younger daughter on the 10th of January 2015 passed away in car accident. My life is not the same.

    I am so hurt from all of this that has happened. I am going to church; it’s not helping me at all. My x sister in law liked going to witch craft. Everyone is saying that she has put a curse on my family has she was sleeping with my husband for the last 10 years. Can you please pray for us? My daughter who has cancer goes to church. She has her faith; she is very strong in her faith. We need a miracle for her. My both daughters are hurting so much.

  22. Sylwia from United Kingdom says:

    Hi guys. I have been married for 10 years and just recently found out that my husband that I loved so much cheated on me with his ex girlfriend and the mother of his child. He also made her pregnant again so now they have 2 children together. On top of everything my husband got his permanent residency in the UK where we live and since he got it he totally changed towards me. He used me to get his stay and everything that he was doing was a plan that he had from the beginning. I never saw this coming as he was so lovely and always reassured me about his love and care for me. I feel betrayed by him. He broke my heart. He said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t know how to cope with it. I am so heartbroken. I can’t understand how he could cheat on me and use me to get papers for the past 10 years? I am shocked and depressed. Please help…

  23. Leann from United States says:

    I have been married for 23 years and on September 13, 2015. I got an email from a lady holding a baby and telling me it is my husbands. She was telling me that they have been together for 9+ years. She wanted me to know because he broke the relationship off with her. He wanted her to get rid of the baby but she said it was to late she was already 6 months pregnant. She now has the baby. She trys to get a hold of me to be friends. He is begging me back and my whole world is turned upside down. The women says she is not with him and he says that he has not been with her since he found out she was pregnant. I don’t know what to belive. he has told me what she says is everything and he is telling me very little. I am trying to keep my head so that my kids are ok.

    I want to hate him, but inside I have always loved him. Trying to make it through minute by minute. I feel like I can’t get over this hurt. I really need help!

  24. Mike from United States says:

    Well, she cheated on me with her male best friend. Now I can’t sleep and wonder if she is still cheating on me. We have a 3 year old and have been together for 5 years. Why do women have no feelings for the men they cheat on?

  25. Mike from United States says:

    My wife and I have been together for almost 18 yrs and married for 16. We have 4 kids from 5-16. Several years ago I had an online affair with someone that she found out about. She was able to get past it, but I did it again a couple years later. Nothing ever physical, but still it was cheating. She forgave me again, even though these would come up in arguments, but nonetheless moved on.

    I let myself get pulled into it once more but this time I took it too far and cheated on her. I kept this relationship online for almost a year before making the biggest mistake of my life. When she found out this time it was the breaking point. She didn’t leave me and didn’t kick me out of our house; we talked/cried a lot and she allowed me to stay. She told me that she couldn’t connect to me emotionally anymore, and it was apparent in bed, as she is very emotionally cold.

    Over the last 7 months I have done everything I could think of to show her that I was sorry and that I could never hurt her in this way again. I see what I’ve done to her and I couldn’t imagine hurting her like this. She has told me that she was trying, but I found out that she has been talking to someone like I was. She said she wanted me to feel pain like I made her. Part of me understands that I probably deserved this, but part of me feels like 4 months of me trying to repair what I broke was taken from me. She says that she doesn’t know how to forgive me and that she is emotionally empty.

    It was hard to see how she talked to him and what she sent him, things that I have wanted all these years. I’m at a loss on how to fix our marriage and how to make her believe me one last time. I know I don’t exactly deserve it but I can’t see myself without her and I have taken myself and will remain out of the ways that allowed me into positions to talk to another woman. I am 100% committed to earning her back, but I don’t know the ways other then what I have already done. None of the things I’ve done have seemed to get us even one step towards repairing. Please help me fix what I have broken.

    • Mike from United States says:

      No help at all for me or advice?

      • Steve Wright from United States says:

        Mike, We (Marriage Missions) like to wait and see if our regular bloggers respond first. But since it’s been 8 days I will offer you a few thoughts. In reality there isn’t anything I can say that can “fix” your situation. I remember reading your post back on 10/21 and what came to mind is that you’re a “serial cheater.” I’m pretty sure you’d disagree with that assessment, but let’s look at the facts.

        You had three emotional affairs – with the third going into the actual physical act. Now, let me ask you: If your wife had three emotional and 1 physical affair, how easy would it be for you to forgive and move on? All your wife has to go on is your past behavior. And if you’re not aware, women (our wives) have VERY LONG memories. You broke her trust in you three times, with the third coming almost to the point of no return.

        I say “almost” because all things are possible, even repairing broken trust and renewing a marriage. But it won’t happen in 7…or 10 months. It may take several years – but only IF you are willing to put some hard work into it. I’m thinking you will most likely need to see a counselor who (if they are trained in saving marriages) can help the both of you work through your trust issues.

        Something else you’ll need to do is get yourself into a group like Celebrate Recovery that has a very good structured program for people with sexual addictions. I’m only guessing here, but you probably had/have a problem with porn. That is usually the gateway to affairs. Even if you haven’t been addicted to porn, you still have an addiction to cheating. And you need accountability – just like if you were a recovering alcoholic.

        I will say it’s good you have come to some understanding of the level of hurt that your wife has gone through. But it will take more than that to win her heart back. If you want to begin to know what your wife needs from you, her husband, you can start by reading articles on our web site in the For Married Men section. I would also suggest you read the article called, “Why Some Spouses Give Up” in the Save My Marriage section. That one will shed some light on why your wife feels the way she does right now. I hope you will understand the symbolism in the article and how it relates to your wife.

        Mike, it doesn’t have to be too late. We pray that it won’t be too late. You can read some of the testimonies in the Save My Marriage section to get some encouragement from others whose marriages were in crisis. I don’t know if any of this will connect with you, but this is what I felt I needed to share with you. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

    • Janet from United States says:

      I am recently going through a similar situation and the only advice I have is don’t give up. My husband of 14 years has cheated online a couple of times. Last week I found emails on his phone and after some searching I found out he had a craigslist account in which he was posting ads for woman he could please as a married man. He swears he has never actually met with anyone but I just don’t know what to believe since he did respond to some postings from other woman. I feel so betrayed, angry, hurt, and so many emotions that at times I feel I can’t breathe. So I can understand why she did what she did. Hurting you is a step in her healing process as immature as that might sound but sometimes it helps. Don’t be discouraged and if you truly love her continue to let her know. I hope that you can both communicate and work through the pain and most of all may God give you both the patience you will need for your relationship to heal and blossom.

  26. Jane from Singapore says:

    We just had our tenth year wedding anniversary and I found out that my hubby betrayed me. He slept with someone who was helping him in his biz. I had a weird feeling recently and therefore decided to check on him when he was staying at a hotel to prepare for his stuff. The day before I sensed something was not right when I saw the lady that was helping him. So I warned him that he’d better not do anything to destroy our family. Yesterday, when I went to find him and took his phone, I saw her naked photo. I was devastated. My world crashed!!! I wanted to die.

    I nearly jumped in front of a car to die but in the end I didn’t. The ironic thing was that cos I sensed that something was amiss, I brought my kids to his room to play in the daytime. He purposefully rushed back just to spend 10 mins with the kids, which I thought was so sweet. But that night he did it with the girl. I found the girl’s naked photo in his phone. I really feel like dying. I have kids… I dunno what to do. My world crashed. I am a full time mum with no income cos I gave up my job to look after my kids.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jane, I’m so sorry for this horrible situation. I can’t even imagine the sense of betrayal you are feeling. Please know that right now, you are overwhelmed, but eventually you will be able to think straighter. Your children need for you to get your mind to a better place. They don’t deserve to have their mom hurt or kill herself. Later in life they will think that it is their fault thinking, “wasn’t I enough for my mom to make the decision to live?” Kids are like that. Please don’t put this horrible burden upon them because your husband decided to be unfaithful. Shame on him… but for you… choose to get to a better place emotionally (which you will eventually, if you lean towards healing.

      Please read through the articles, quotes, testimonies and such that we have posted on this web site on the issue of adultery and infidelity, gleaning through and living out the things you learn that could help you. It will be a type of therapy, which will help you emotionally and maritally, as you pray and lean into the healing the Lord can give you. I hope you will and pray that God will minister to your heart and to your needs as you lean upon Him, rather than your own understanding of all that is in front of you.

  27. Michael from United States says:

    I’m sorry to say, that even with your disclaimer from the top of this article, there is a large deal of bias against men. As I read through the article, I see plenty of simple changes which could have been made to neutralize the gender and make the information more applicable to both. To think this article was actually published in a book “Torn Asunder” by Moody Publishers. I’ll use the VERY FIRST paragraph as an example:

    “After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and SHE needs the freedom to ventilate HER rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.”
    (Capitalization is mine to highlight gender specific words)

    Two simple changes any good publisher or editor would have caught and should have caught: (Deleting one word and changing another)

    “The betrayed spouse will be angry, and needs the freedom to ventilate THEIR rage.”

    What gives me the right to be so critical? I am a betrayed male spouse. When we (the betrayed spouses) are out there looking for support and answers, it is simple grammatical gender errors such as this which make us feel angry or insulted! It makes us question the validity of the message being delivered by the author(s).

    At the end of the Article, you state:

    “The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers.”

    If true, this book is extremely poorly written with gender errors presenting themselves within single sentences! I cannot overlook such simplistic care when writing about such a life changing, devastating, and important topic! Did the author not care in so much as to ensure his message was true and neutral? If he didn’t care, then why should spouses of either gender trust him to deliver accurate and reliable advice?

    This really angered me as I searched for help and guidance on how to move forward AFTER infidelity of the spouse! It detracted from the message I suspect was intended and creates a divide between male and female victims of the same marital distress.

    In closing, please consider your audience and the hurting spouses (both males and females) who are in search of help and guidance. Some cannot afford professional support and help, and the internet may be the only resource they have.

    -Betrayed Male Spouse in Purgatory

  28. Hurting husband from United States says:

    Okay, so I’m fresh into the pain now. My wife and I decided mutually that we should separate because we’ve had a very rocky marriage (only 2 years of a three year relationship). It’s difficult because we DO love each other; however, we have compatability issues and I have, admittedly, some luggage that I haul around that just makes it difficult to deal with me at times. So, I digress, I moved out on Tuesday. Keep in mind that we had talked about not disrespecting one another by dating while were in the same home.

    Well, Tuesday night my spidey-sense was going off so I stalked her. I cannot condone my behavior; however, it proved to be fruitful. 5 hours after I moved my belongings to an apartment, I see my wife walking into the house with another man. So, apparently it doesn’t take her long to get over me but I’m still not over her. I’m absolutely crushed from this. Even though we’re separated and most likely won’t reconcile (even less likely now) I feel betrayed, angry, inadequate, lonely, sad, confused, and every other emotion that I can’t think of, excluding happy!

    Am I wrong to be upset? She swears that nothing happened but he was there for a LONG time (over 5 hours). I’m not stupid and she knows it but she’s trying to play it off like I’m just being the jealous husband and I’m overreacting. She still tells me that she loves me but that I need to learn to love myself before I can love another. I agree. It’s hard to love myself right now because I just feel like one big sucker! I just want to be over the pain. I’m trying everything that I can, meditation, exercise, distraction but I still can’t shake the horrible thoughts of him and her together. It’s absolutely devastating. My God, when does the pain lighten up? Hurting husband

  29. Charlotte from United States says:


    THEN GOD GAVE ME TRUE FORGIVENESS. And SHOWED ME I NEEDED SOME TOO– I’m READY TO HEAL WITH HIM. HE NOW SAYS NO… I am disabled with multiple Scelrosis 27 yrs, married 20. I can’t work, all alone, no family, money, and him in a separate state. WHAT TO DO??? Should I keep praying for him to come back??? I don’t know???

  30. Mina from India says:

    I have been married for 19 years. I’m an attractive and working woman. My husband has been cheating on me from the first year of marriage. I knew about it but was scared of losing the relationship so I kept lying to myself that all was well. Though there were fights when I saw his messages from other women. And all these years I kept thinking that he was like this bcoz I was not good bcoz, he would always keep appreciating other women as the best. All these years there was no physical relationship also and I thought that I was not good, that’s why. As my husband drinks a lot I thought maybe he was impotent. I never confronted him as I didn’t know how I would deal with separation with my child.

    After getting sick of hoping that he would change I confronted him and all the mess is out in open. He was sleeping with other women. That’s why we had no physical relationship. He says that this is corporate culture. Either he was traveling for work or partying till late night. Even my son who is a teenager now is also aware of it all.

    After all the confrontation and huge physical and verbal fights he promised that he’ll make change in himself and will not repeat the past. Even while he was saying that he was secretly going to the office with another female colleague and was helping her to manage her career further. Most of his women are extremely rude to me in public, which he just looks at silently. And I feel so much pain that I dunno how to respond.

    Memories pain me a lot and I have no trust in him. Yet we’re living together. However every now and then my anger, frustration and anxiousness about his infidelity keeps surfacing, which makes me speak with him with sharp sarcasm, repeat the pat happenings bcoz I am able to connect many dots now and use the language, which was unthinkable for me.

    I really don’t want to live like this. I wish to find a higher purpose to heal myself and live the life free of anger and bitterness and painful memories. I dunno what to do as I am not able to make even mild progress. I’d love a happier life.

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