Marriage Missions International

Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

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Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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Comments

416 Responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal”
  1. Jane from United States says:

    Well, my husband of 10 yrs whom I’ve been with for 17 years and loved so much, cheated on me with my friend which we went and saw everyday, stayed the nights with, camped out with, and so on. I was told this but didn’t believe it. She was into girls; he even had her come to our 10th wedding aniverary at a motel and we went out. She was dating my cousin, which was a girl, and she looked like a man.

    Well, my uncle that helped raised me died and my husband sent me out of town with my cousin, which I was never allowed to go any where with, to go help my mom. Then my sister got really sick and again I was on the trip alone. My 6 year old son told me when I got home that daddy and my friend made him sleep in a different room, which he never had to do. He always slept with us. He said they were watching tv so that got me thinking the stories I’d heard were true.

    Come to find out his whole family, which I live beside, knew my family, and knew the friend had a abortion and that the affair had been going on for 2 years. They sleep together in my bed. I have 3 children and am from a different state. Where I now live I have no one to go to. He is a great dad to the kids so I can’t take them away from him so here I am stuck till all my kids are grown. How do I start to heal and not feel so hurt all the time and fear that it’s matter of time before I go through it again. Please help. Every time I get over it, it comes right back.

  2. Lisa from United States says:

    My HUSBAND of 20 yrs. has admitted to me that the day we were married was the day everything “changed” for him. I was a model, very outgoing, had many male and female friends. He was so jealous, of EVERYONE. I was no longer allowed to have friends, including his own sister. I went to work and became best friends with a girl. He began saying, “she needs a good man like me.” This became his mantra. Then it was all women we knew, including family.

    He began lying and cheating with my best friend, my sister in law, and God knows how many more. Over the years I became depressed. Drs had me on 11 different anti depressants. I blamed, as he did, myself. For several years I, once independent and confident and self assured, lost all self esteem. Got fat. Then he tells me he can’t “do it” anymore and he leaves. I fall apart, get 2 DUIs lose my license. Couldn’t pay fines kept going back to jail. For a good year. Chased him begged him to come to has senses. We divorced. Finally I got him to give it another chance. Then from a close family friend I found out horrible things. He’d hid over $10,000 from me. Had all my family and his thinking EVERYTHING was my fault. He had everyone fooled.

    I had a gut instinct intuition the entire 19 yrs. I FINALLY learned to heed. Needless to say we reconciled. I discovered AGAIN he was cheating, kicked him out, and have recently had to see my Dr. because he has given me HPV. I’m beyond hurt, anger. …I’m SO DONE WITH HIM. There’s no love left for him!!

  3. Helen from says:

    My husband of 15 years cheated on me. I found out 2 days before my birthday when the girl’s husband called to tell me about it. I was totally blindsided. I feel violated, embarassed, stupid, insecure and a host of other emotions. I thought this man was playing some kind of cruel joke on me. I confronted my husband and he admitted to the affair. I checked phone records and saw the number of texts going back and forth between the two of them. As if this was not enough, I also found two other numbers that were consistent for regular texts. As it turned out there were two other women whom he enjoyed sexting with and these two had been the pleasure of his interests for over a year. How in the world did I not see this coming? He said well we were having problems. That is no excuse for not communicating his displeasure to me. Apparently it was easier to ignore our relationship and go elsewhere to fulfill whatever needs he needed met. Such a violation to our wedding vows. Dear God keep me sane. We are trying to work it out…he is going to counseling and we have begun to pray together regularly. We also communicate more openly and he has sworn to make it up to me. He says he loves me and he will never disrespect our marriage or me in that way again. Lord help me. I want us to work out. One day at a time.

  4. Roger from United States says:

    We’ll I’m still in the anger stage after my wife of 24 years cheated on me and it adds insult to injury when I read this gender biased help info. Not all cheaters are men as is apparent from this writing. I was a Christian for 49 years. I don’t believe anymore but I wish I did, I still want to.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Roger, I’m so sorry that you see this as “gender biased.” It was never meant to be. As we’ve said in other articles and comments, there are MANY more articles written, where the wife is the one who has been betrayed. This is both in Christian resources, AND those on the secular side. I wish every article was written where both genders are addressed, recognizing they can either be the victims or those who betray. But unfortunately, this isn’t how it is. So, what we do is to try to find all we can that ministers, and hope that people can change pronouns.

      What I did do here though, is put a disclaimer at the top of this article, hoping people will better understand that we aren’t saying men are always the cheaters, and neither are women always the victims; the reverse is true too. It’s just this article that is written from this vantage point. We hope this will help.

      Also, please know Roger, that I grieve with you over what you have gone through and are going through. NO ONE could ever understand the depth of pain this brings the spouse who has been cheated on, unless he or she has gone through this horror themselves. I’m so, so sorry that you find yourself in this place. I’m also so grieved for you that your faith faltered as a result of this horrible thing that your wife did against you and your marriage. God gives us all the freedom of choice. Your wife used hers to poison your marriage and deeply, deeply hurt you. I’m truly sad for you and hope that somehow, someday you will be able to not blame God for her horrible actions. I pray for you, and I pray for other victims that post here. My heart goes out to you.

    • Arimos from Canada says:

      My friend, I feel your pain. Focus on your life and your healing. God Loves you my friend. Even though you may not be very happy with Him right now, you must understand He never wanted this for you! He is with you through everything. Talk to him in your quiet moments, yell, scream but do communicate. GOD is great. Hey, I physically could not move one more inch one time and a car picked me up and helped me. When I said I must walk alone again today, a mysterious man walked with me and listened to my plight. I felt God’s comfort. Reach out and you will too. The light is at the END of the tunnel so expect dark days and nights. Be strong Brother!

  5. Mark from United States says:

    This is from one man’s perspective. I am a chronic cheater. I wouldn’t say habitual but it has recurred in our long time relationship. We’ve been married 27 years. We were separated in 1992. I saw someone, but I went back home and we reconciled. Then that same woman I’d cheated with appeared in my community in 2005 and we emailed, and it happened again several times.

    We reconciled again, and it was to be the last time. Then this year it happened again. A few times over the course of one year. Now it’s over. I feel horrible for the pain I’ve caused her. I’ve thought about killing myself, but it wouldn’t do anything good and would hurt my kids terribly. We’re now separated in home until we can divide everything up. My reasons WHY are:

    – There’s always been something in my head screaming to get out.
    – She buys, buys, buys things and we’ve filled a huge house with far more possessions in every corner than I can imagine
    – I work out and care about my fitness; she gained a bunch of weight over the years and is taking pills for high blood pressure. She’s given into the aging process and is afflicted with all the things that go with inactivity and stress.
    – She cares so much about her work. It’s all she talks about.
    – She drinks too much, about a bottle of wine per night.
    – I am artistic, and musical. She’s not artistic, or interested in discussions about any of the things I am. She never listens to me play guitar. She doesn’t appreciate ME for who I am, and never says a single nice thing to me about what I do, or what makes me unique. This has never been the case.

    Our counselor once told me that an affair isn’t about sex. It’s sometimes just about lack of communication. I didn’t know how to tell her all the things I list above… but these are some of the reasons I was screaming to get out. Sex with that twisted, stupid woman I care nothing about is what killed our marriage, in the end – but it’s not the reason.

    I wish I would have found the words, and the will, to tell her these things above. I tried to tell her little ways, little things “You have to stop buying things. This is driving me crazy.” “I wish you would come work out with me.” “You feel so much better when you work out” etc etc. But these pile of reasons never built up enough to break through the mundane details and have that talk. If I did, I wonder if she would be just as hurt. I don’t know. Either way, it’s painful and hurtful. Now she has a reason, and someone to blame. I’m to blame, I realize that. I feel awful.

    I just wanted to give you my impressions of why I cheated. I didn’t know what to do. I was screaming to live a life apart: on my own. I never wanted to get caught, but I guess I figured that might happen. I don’t really know yet… it’s what I’m guessing. I know that’s messed up… but I’m just trying to understand my own mind. Thank you for listening.

  6. Arimos from Canada says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen, First of all, my heart goes out to you all. May you achieve peace and bear your burdens with grace. I was violently removed from my matrimonial home of 14 years by my wife’s accusations of violence. These were untrue but the police naturally accepted her story immediatly and it was only after there was no evidence that they released me unconditionally. I phoned home to ask what was going on only to find a lawyer’s name, number and the home was up for sale. I had been gone for one day.

    We have several small children who have been devastated by this event. I’m mostly in pain for them. I mourn the time I lost with them. As for my wife, she called me early the second morning to tell me that it was all a set up to get rid of me, get government assistance fast, a free lawyer, and to get all the money without me. She then proceeded to tell me that she never actually loved me for the entire 14 years. She threw away the wedding rings and jewelry and said she lied to me the whole time because she didn’t want to embarass her family who paid for the wedding initially. After that she had no excuse to stay except to use me for money.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I gave her my heart and soul. I loved her with every ounce of my being. I never held her back, I didn’t force her to marry me, she made a choice. Now, I am the pariah. I support her and my children and I live in poverty. I can only say, that I forgive her. I find her immature, ignorant and selfish. We could have communicated better in our marriage and she absolutely could have gone her way earlier and not trifled with our childrens lives. My crime, marrying with my heart. Hers, lying to me for fourteen years and neglecting our children. I’m not even heart broken anymore. I’m just sad. I will now die alone for in my culture, a man gets one chance at marriage and true love… I chose poorly. I am where I need to be.

    Even though I walk alone, know this, your pain will be carried in my heart, as well. Let it be so! I am strong and I do not give up life. I will carry your burdens with mine away to a far away place where they will be laid to rest and you my friends can move on with your lives. Don’t look back, you’ll only see a lie. Look ahead where there is hope derived in Love. God loves us all… none of this was how it was supposed to happen. Peace.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      How very sad I am for you and for your children. And how I pray for you and your children –that God will minister to your broken hearts. I also pray that God opens your wife’s eyes to see the horror she has caused for all of you. Perhaps when her eyes are opened, she can make some better decisions that won’t hurt you and your family, as much in the future. Again, my heart goes out to you, as it does to the hundreds of men and women who are telling their stories here of how they have been victimized by their spouse’s betraying ways.

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