Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

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Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

The above article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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Comments

477 responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

  1. My spouse cheated on me in 2013 with an ex-boyfriend. A month later, she became pregnant and didn’t know whether the child was mine or her ex’s. I’ve never really gotten over this because it caused me tremendous pain and shame. In 2014 December, I got into a revenge affair just to pay her back for the horrible pain she caused me. I had planned that we should go for counselling as we’re a young couple, but she wants none of it. She’s not only resentful but disrespectful and insensitive.

    I’ve tried to make things work but she doesn’t want to put any effort, listen to anyone, or communicate. All this has worn me out. I even feel embarrassed to say I’ve been in a relationship. Apart from the fact we have a son together, there’s really nothing worth talking about. I just want to get over the pain of a broken relationship and rebuild my life.

  2. This is so helpful enx. You know the pain, anger I feel. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it to this marriage. I have been hurt before physically but things got better. Now he cheated and he told me after I was feeling a communication breakdown between us. He told me every question I have asked. He loves the girl and he told me he wants to make things right and I have to wait for at least three months to fix things due to the damage he says he has done to his mistress of which he doesn’t want to tell about the damage.

    Can I wait??? That if the question. Tell me, have you ever felt pain, anger, and hurt and at the same time love the person like you can’t live without him? Have you ever felt your marriage is a curse? If so how do you deal with such pain and anger??? This is too much.

    1. Dear Mnikina, How my heart goes out to you! This is so very, very sad. You ask, “can I wait?” My question is, SHOULD you wait? Who did he make a vow to –you or this mistress? Who should be more important to him –the feelings of you or this mistress? He says “he wants to make things right” but “he has done damage to his mistress?” What about you –the wife he promised to love and care for the rest of his life?

      Dearest Mnikina, please demand more than this from him (although be careful because if he physically hurt you before, he can do it again when he feels things aren’t going his way). IF he wants to “make things right” then right NOW is the time to do so… not to the mistress, but to you, his wife. You shouldn’t have to deal with this added “pain and anger.” You have enough –just trying to get past this betrayal. Of course, this is too much. And of course, there is a “communication breakdown” between you. He is investing his energy into making sure his mistress is feeling better, but in the meantime, you are the loser. This is wrong, wrong, wrong!

      I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that your having to “wait” for a husband to work things through with his mistress is wrong… in every way, it is wrong. This only makes you into a doormat, where your feelings are being walked all over. Personally, I wouldn’t wait. I would give him a choice –either me NOW, or me never. If my husband gave me the choice of either waiting for him or not having him, I wouldn’t wait. You may love him, but he isn’t showing love to you. I’d much rather work at getting over my feelings of love for a husband who is a cheater, than try to keep putting up with a husband who is a cheater… letting him continually walk over me, adding injury upon injury. I pray God gives you wisdom and that you take it.

      1. Hello Mnikina, this is sad. I really feel for you. You have the power to turn things around. Try and have a thinking forward momentum. You can’t lose your life to someone else. You are devastated now and I understand but don’t lose hope. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. My concern is your understanding in this whole thing that he thinks he can continue to be in a marriage and yet negotiate more time to sort things out with his mistress. I think that is unacceptable.

        This man has acted against your value system hence it hurts. Go for counselling and consult with your Pastor as biblically. It is wrong to cheat in your marriage. Continue to trust God. He will give you the strength and wisdom. Love you.