Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

man's angry fist dealing with anger - Pixabay punch-316605_640Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.

It’s Important HOW You Say It

The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

Hiding Info

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The Ideal:

Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins

The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss

During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.

Some of Their Feelings:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

Guarantees

One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

Remedy

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”

—ALSO —

Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:

DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR

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570 responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

  1. My husband has always hated my sister. He has always thought that she was a bad person. He prohibited her from coming to our home. One day he was going to be out I invited her to go to the movies and when I got home my husband was there. His plans had changed so mine had to also. We ate dinner with some mutual friends and my sister tagged along. Went home and everything was fine but before going to bed my husband grew angry that I invited her over.

    He said he was going to confront her about what kind of person she is. When he came back he was crying and very apologetic. He then confessed to me that he had asked her for sex. She denied and said she would never do that to me and they promised to keep it a secret. I was heart broken. I felt so betrayed by him. And I was stunned that he acted as thought he hated her but secretly had lustful thoughts of her. I feel as though I am torn apart and I can’t make myself forget about what happened. I love my husband and want to make this work but I can’t forget what happened.

  2. He won’t let me get angry with him. He gets sharp with me if I bring it up a (it happened within the month) and he guilts me that he might need deliverance from it. But that I need deliverance from the anger I have. He won’t discuss it with me because I get depressed. He’s made me so bitter. I’m so alone! I just want to die sometimes. He doesn’t understand why I’m so hurt.

  3. I feel so alone!! Last week I found out my husband messed around with another woman. Is there anyone out there that can relate? We’ve been married 10 years! Yesterday I was sad, today very angry!

    1. I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say how much I can completely relate to the rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We’re both 32. We have 3 kids. I just found out a month ago he’s been having an affair with a 22 year old co-worker. I gave up my whole life when we decided to grow our family. We agreed I’d be a stay at home mom. He’s our only source of income so when he’d say he was picking up extra shifts to pay the bills I didn’t question him. When things continuously didn’t add up I started to do my own investigating. Honestly I never thought he was cheating, I figured he was bored with his routine and made a few guy friends.

      Now that I know, all I can think of is what does she have that I don’t, is he thinking of her when he’s with me, is he here b/c he loves me or did I make it easy for him to stay b/c of the kids. We had our third child and shortly after he was born is when the affair started, so my anger and pain is so deep to think while I was taking care of a newborn around the clock and 2 other small children he was going to bars taking this young girl out to expensive dinners and doing things with her that doesn’t do with me and saying things to her he’s never said to me.

      I feel broken and devastated and one minute I’m thinking I love him we can get through this, the next minute I think of them together or of the nights I’d cry begging him to come home early that if we need money that bad I can go to work, or when I flat out asked him if he was cheating, never thinking he really was b/c I didn’t think he had it in him. I thought our relationship and our family was strong. I feel so blindsided and confused and hurt and angry.

      1. I feel the same pain you do. I am 7 years older than my husband. I never liked younger guys but my husband was into older women. So we have been married for 5 years. He has always had his phone secured with a password. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I trusted him.

        Well he left his phone unblocked 10 months ago. I went through it and found out he had pics of different women. Also pics of him and his first gf together. These were recent pictures not old ones. He also had text messages of him telling his friends he was busy with her. He denied it, saying he made evetything up to his friends to look cool. Well I let it go. 1 month later, I went through his phone again. I now had proof and messages. He had been seeing her. I kicked him out.

        He said he was sorry, crying. He said he didn’t sleep with her. I forgave him again. He came back home. 2 weeks later. I didnt trust him. I went through his phone because my heart was telling me something was wrong. I almost had a heart attack. He had been sleeping with a ex coworker for 4 years. Started seeing his ex. Started flirting and sexting other girls. Plus he had slept with a current coworker.

        I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to die. I didn’t know who my husband was anymore. I’m so heartbroken. We are currently separated. He wants to come back home to the kids and I, but I can’t forgive so many lies and betrayals. I still love my husband. I just don’t know what to do? He says he did it because he was on drugs and drinking. He says he is in therapy and he has learned from his mistakes. I feel he is trying to take me for a fool. Can someone really change their behavior??

      2. Wow. I can relate. I have no answer either. But I’m 33 and have been with my CS for 16 yrs. We have 3 kids together. I found out he was in love with an acquaintance of mine and it was also a sexual relationship as well. On July 2nd 2016 at 2:00 pm I found out. My world came crashing; he blindsided me with it. I had no idea, I went on a downhill spiral for the last 2 months. He chose her over me and our kids.

        So I left my kids with my parents and started drinking heavily while driving around in my car, I got 2 duis within 3 weeks of each one, 2 felonies for evading police officers, and I totaled my car. I hit 2 peg poles at 100 mph. I’m alive today for a reason that is higher than me. I just realized that I have all this anger that’s built up, so I’m exercising a lot, but in a healthy moderation. I’m beginning to notice all these hurt feelings due to no more alcohol. I do see a tiny, tiny light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what is giving me hope that I’m taking some baby steps forward. Thank you for letting me share. I’m sorry about your situation. Angela

    2. I found out my wife has been cheating for some time. Still always lies and avoids the the truth. She blames it all on me. I feel God betraed me also. After all, I trusted Him and he could have caused circumstances that wouldn’t have alowed them to even meet. Our marriage is over and there is no reparing it. I could never look at her the same again. I don’t care about what others think and their snap judgment for thinking God could have done something and didn’t. I would think God would have your back as I would stop this from happening to one of my children. Even if it meant I would die stopping it. Cheaters are selfish and will never feel the hurt they have caused, because if they were capable of feeling that deep they would have never, ever have done such a Horrible Thing!

    3. Yes, don’t feel alone. My wife of 20 years said she wants out. All of a sudden she’s working out everyday spraying fake tan on out of can and buying screw me underwear. She now hides her phone and is very nasty to me. So don’t feel you’re alone; its painful. Some days are worse than others. I will be here to chat tell me your issue in detail if you like. Take care.

      1. “MAN” that is a real place and I PROMISE you that God is not on the side of an ADULTERER. He is going to judge your wife for her choices BUT you may not live to see it because you are in the way of HIS judgment. You don’t want Him to judge you for your anger and bitterness. I KNOW this doesn’t sound fair. I was thinking the same thing and trying to get my heart right so God can deal with my husband who is a senior pastor and his side chick who is a minister and works at the church as well.

        I discovered the betrayal a year ago and this has been the worst year ever but I am healing. Here are somethings that have helped me recover from the betrayal but not repair my marriage: https://www.affairrecovery.com – they offer scholarships to make it affordable.

        Books I have read:
        Repeat After Me by Claudia Black
        – After the Affair by Janis Spring
        Intimate Treason by Claudia Black
        Prayers That Avail Much by Germaine Copeland

        I also do LOTS of Talk Therapy with wise close friends, others that have experienced infidelity in marriage and have overcome, with individual counselors. And I JOURNAL a lot to get my feelings out on paper.

  4. My wife and I have been married for 30 years at the end of this month. We have been separated since October, 2014. I found out that month that she had been cheating with another man for 6 months or so. She moved out but we continued to see each other fairly regularly since she swore that it was over with him. Over the past two years I have been kicked in the gut multiple times with the realization that she is still seeing him AND seeing me. She can’t seem to let go of either of us.

    Each time I discover her betrayal yet again, she attempts to make me feel bad for being so distrusting. I am done. I can’t take it anymore. She is a pathological liar and obviously doesn’t care that she is ripping my guts out. Why do I still love her? Why can’t I just cut her out of my life? Why does she not cut me out of her life since she is clearly in love with this other guy? All I know is that I need to fix myself but I have no idea how. I’m 53 years old, loyal, and broken.

  5. Well, its not my spouse, it’s my mom. She always hides to call someone. I hate what she is doing. I already know the phone number of the other man and some information. She always denies it and gets very mad. I need more proof, that will be impossible to deny. It quite hurts, the way your own mother is acting. It’s also disgusting. Well, I guess I got off the topic. I wanted to know if the information of a cell phone can be transferred to some other device, to be viewed. Thank you, the information was helpful, contact him in email with this address, he will surely help out like he did for me.

  6. I have 2 questions if it’s ok.
    1) How possible is it to heal if your pain, anger and feelings haven’t been acknowledged and you have been told that there are no answers to your questions after 7 months after the betrayal?
    2) How do you stop hearing the most hurtful things said to you ever, in your thoughts and dreams?

    1. Anita, I’m so sad for you that this is your experience. Obviously, you will experience healing much better and faster if you have a spouse who will help you in this. He hurt you and then he won’t help you heal afterward. That makes it all the more grievous. I don’t know if you are a follower of Christ, but honestly, the only way I could imagine you would be able to heal is to process through all of this with the Lord. He understands betrayal all too well. Because He is the Great Physician, He knows how to best heal broken hearts.

      Truly, I’m not trying to give you a simplistic answer here. I’m just telling you what I see and have seen with those who do not have a spouse who will help them in the healing process. I’ll never understand why they wouldn’t, but it is what it is. Just keep taking your every question, your every hurt, your every feeling to the Lord, asking Him to help you work through this with His help.

      You might also look for a marriage-friendly counselor to help you work through these issues, since your spouse won’t. You HAVE to have some trust issues, and feelings of betrayal and such that are eating at you. Find a good Christian human advisor that can help you work through them, and most of all, ask the Lord to help you to see light, where there seems to be only darkness… help you to find joy, when it just doesn’t seem that you can find much to rejoice about, and help you find peace where tortured feelings are now abounding. And then open your eyes and heart. God will bring people, and circumstances your way that will help you to heal in healthy ways. I’ve seen this happen before. I wish your husband would help you, but since he won’t, look upon the Lord to be your husband in this. I pray the Lord will help you as you lean upon Him. May you find comfort in Him.

    2. Hi Anita, I feel your pain, I was betrayed of late by my spouse of 15 years. The affair was short but intense and we are 8 months out still trying to repair things. Although I’m no expert I do know that if someone genuinely cares for you they will acknowledge your pain and do all they can for you. However, have you asked why he won’t acknowledge your pain and help you work through it. It could be a shame and unwillingness to face up to what he has done or may even be trying to protect you from the pain of all the truth the problem is the imagination and not knowing is worse than knowing. Alternatively he may just be being selfish and ultimately if he is unwilling to feel your pain and be empathetic towards you then does he really love you?

      As for the thoughts and dreams, that is incredibly difficult to deal with, the constant reoccurrence, questions, thoughts of what if and what about, the merry-go-round of suffering as I’ve come to refer to it is all about you. You have to let it go you can’t hang on to it; it will torture you and drive you crazy and exhaust you. I believe everyone finds their own way to deal with this, for me I am very philosophical and so try to combat my thoughts with “what’s done is done and I cannot change the past” and try to let go of the thought knowing that I can’t change the past but I can affect my future. This doesn’t always work and when it doesn’t I vent it at my spouse I tell her what I’m thinking I tell how I’m feeling and I ask my questions sometimes it placates other times it angers but it is my release valve. My suppose knows that and wants to help all she can and help me recover in order to stay together.

      I know you don’t have that but you see the 2 go hand in hand and therefore it’s vital that does happen for you to recover, if he is not willing to help you you are better off leaving because that will mean that actually you no longer have to deal with it and think of it anymore. If someone is truly remorseful (not regretful, regret is different) cells your pain which is important to ensure it doesn’t happen again and truly loves you they will do all they can to help and support you, after all its up to them to fix this not you. If they are unwilling to do so you have to ask yourself so they really love me?

  7. About 2 months back, I found that my wife of 20 years had an emotional long distance affair with a guy she knew back in high school. The guy lives on another continent and they had the affair for only 3 months before I discovered. We are both in our late forties with a son in University.

    Both were communicating using social media, email and occasionally on the phone. I was able to retrieve a lot of communication between them and was able to confront my wife. She has agreed to be in a illicit relationship but in-spite of all written proof I have she still would twist words trying to play down the extent of the relationship. When I show her proof she would be silent. She deceived, lied and fooled me -perhaps because I never had ever doubted her. I had complete faith in her.

    As a reassurance that this does not happen again, I wanted to discuss this with her parents since they are the only people she is close to, and she respects them the most. She is vehemently against that and pleads not to. This in fact bothers me more.

    I do not know if she understands my pain although she says she is ashamed of what she did. It could only be meaningless words -who knows. I do not know if I should forgive her. I don’t know if I want to. I’m certain they never ever met. Even after 2 months I feel deeply hurt and deceived. What could she do to me in the future? Is forgive and forget my only choice?

    1. Hi EastIndian, Yes, it is a difficult road you are traveling, which was not your choice and not your idea! This is still fresh and raw, and the emotional upheaval gets better as you have already seen. Certainly your wife’s giving you full access to her phone and computer is a significant step forward, and it seems that your wife does “get” the pain you are going through right now. Counselling is a good thing- all in all- it looks like you are going in the right direction!

      Putting one foot in front of the other, as you say, and putting his situation into God’s Hands is certainly a good plan for right now! Here is a website which should interest you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk

      The more transparent you can be with each other, the better… your surviveheraffair.com site looks very positive! Perhaps ask her why she is so against your discussing this with her parents? And then consider honoring her wishes?

      Keep going… don’t give up… forgiveness often takes place in little increments, rather than large steps forward… but the large steps forward are certainly possible… I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children… WP (Work in Progress)

      1. Hi EastIndian, Something more: after having seen similar situations in my own marriage and those of others, I can categorically say that forgiveness is the only option. Forgiveness does not mean burying your feelings, nor making light of the offense, nor trying to forget it ever happened. These are impossible.

        Forgiveness is an act of the will. It means giving up your justification for revenge. It means putting aside the desire for the offender’s hurt… and replacing that desire with a genuine wish for the offender’s well being. Forgiveness allows God to work in His way and in His time. God can and will help you to make this choice. “Seek the Lord while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near,” the Bible says in Isaiah 55:6.

        I have seen the effects of unforgiveness in my own family for the last 50 years, and I can tell you, the outcome is not nice. Anger, bitterness, depression, resultant health problems… all these are not far behind the decision to withhold forgiveness. I’ve also seen the effects of genuine forgiveness. I can tell you the results are well worth it! I’m NOT saying forgiveness is easy. I AM saying it’s the best choice to make for your own well being, and for the restoration of your marriage.

        Your wife may not understand your pain right away… at a right moment, when you feel she is open to dialogue, you can ask her to think of you having an affair with a friend of hers… how would she feel about that? Would she be OK with that? NOT in an accusing tone, but rather in a tone, which suggests your trying to impart your feelings to her… to explain to her why it is hard for you to trust- but that you are trying the best you can.

        Prefessional help, support from friends and church family if you have them… outside help is certainly a good thing. I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children… WP (Work in Progress)

  8. I am still in somewhat of the shock phase of find out my wife has been having an affair. To start off our marriage hasn’t been all that great. We’ve actually only been married 15 months, however the problems date back to a few years. We never really fixed them before going into marriage. I know that I have done my wrongs including texting other women and emotionally/sexually not meeting my wife’s needs and fully own up to those and what I need to work on. 10 days ago I found out through emails/Facebook (of course) that my wife, 27, has been having a full blown affair with a 50 year old married man with 6 kids. It’s a huge blow to my ego and I can’t stop thinking about them throughout the day. She has been very sympathetic and expressed how sorry she is, given me full access to everything, answered all questions I’ve asked (even when they hurt) and we are in counseling already which has been a tremendous help. I’m currently using a surviveheraffair.com site that has been very helpful. But regardless I still think about them and their acts all the time. This affair lasted 6 months, or almost half of our marriage. Even 10 days in, every day has gotten somewhat better, but I know that these emotions aren’t passing anytime soon. She actually has moved back in and strangely we are doing well given the circumstances. I think she sees my pain and hates it when I have difficulty finishing a movie that shows casual sex. I just don’t really know where to go from here except putting one foot in front of the other and putting this in God’s hands.

  9. Last October I found out that my husband slept with a young girl whom I was helping out and letting her stay in my extra bedroom. When I found out I cannot even describe the pain and betrayal I felt and still feel. I asked him to leave. He did and I did not hear from him for 3 months. He called me on a Friday night and was crying and saying how sorry he was and that he loved me. During the time we were apart I tried to find some sort of inner peace. It was then I suffered another blow and was informed this was not the first time he had cheated on me. That actually there was so much more I didn’t know.

    When we started talking he of course denied that saying it was only once. If all of that was not enough someone went to great lengths to send me emails and pictures that he was living a double life and was now in fact engaing in sex with men as well. Of course he denied and then finally said it was once and it wasn’t what it seemed and so on. We tried to reconcile and I tried to forgive. But slowly every time I turned around more stuff was surfacing and he would only admit to it was only twice. Hes not being truthful and there for I am angry and continue to be angry, hurt and well I sometimes just want to die. My whole life has fallen apart. When I get angry he shuts down or runs and hides and I don’t hear from him for weeks. I have a right to be angry, don’t I?????

    The article above confirmed that for me. Yes I do. I told him he nor I or we can ever recover if he is not 100% honest. Please help. I am lost and so confused. I cry to the Lord as I don’t know what prayer to pray, for God to heal us and bring him home or for God to heal me and let me go.

    I am such a loyal and loving wife. I have stood by his side through so much. How could he hurt me so badly???

    1. Since he runs and hides from the damage he caused, I would leave him. He obviously still doesn’t value you. Maybe if he knows you’re serious and he is really losing you, he’ll man up.

  10. Hello, I need help on how to deal with anger issues after finding out about infidelity a year ago and still can’t get over it. Will be married for 10 years in December and this had been going on since we got married. I am going crazy and feel he has never cared about the hurt and pain he has inflicted on me. I have tried everything and it seems to work for a few weeks then I notice something amiss and all the thoughts of him and his acts start flooding my mind again. He swears he has stopped and that he will never do it again but it’s so hard to believe anymore. I really don’t know what to do anymore, how do I deal with the anger.

    1. He needs to be 100% transparent if he cares about you. My husband has been open and answered all my questions but I still don’t trust him and I am easily triggered into feeling betrayed all over again. He doesn’t seem to understand that the hurt and pain is continually just below the surface for me. At times he’ll get upset with me when I get mad if he’s broken a promise. Things like changing his plans when he goes out without telling me will send me over the edge. If he’s going out to do one errand and is gone for two hours, I feel discounted and lied to all over again. I have started to see a therapist so I can deal with all these intense emotions. It’s only been two months since I found out. It’s going to take time, patience, and being real gentle with myself. I am not the one who cheated so he better be willing to accept anything I feel!

  11. Hi. We’ve been married nearly 30 years and have 3 kids. We were married 5 years after high school that time we had our first child. Although I was demanding picky and grouchy, I made sure /I was always there for her, and have been a very faithful husband. Over the years I found she was pulling away from me due to advice from outside forces, and a couple of years ago she reconnected with a old mentor from her high school days. They established a long distance phone relationship and I found later he still had a crush on her. Although there no physical activity between the two of them, when she started taking phone calls from him she started getting hush hush during the conversations.

    When I confronted her about her manners during the call, she denied anything was going on and asked me to trust her which I reluctantly did. (STRIKE 1)… After Memorial Day I found her tablet, which was linked to her phone where I found very sexual texts between the two. I confronted her; I threatened to contact him, but she asked me not to. Instead of leaving the marriage I decided to keep trying because the marriage wasn’t that bad, and I decided to more attentive because I wasn’t the nicest person in the world and I need to make a change. (STRIKE 2).

    Then I found he was (still) trying to contact her. She insisted she wan’t the one initiating the call but that was enough so I gained access to his personal information (as well as his wife’s information). I sent him a cease and desist text as well as the entire text stream between the two to his wife. I don’t know what happened to him but he hasn’t been heard from since then. May whatever GOD have mercy on his soul as I feel he’ll need it.

    We are repairing our marriage as we really love, respect and need each other but it is a JOB. But if you’re playing a part in her straying (no matter how small it seems to be) you’ll need to fix your issues too. She asked me to forgive and forget. I told her I have forgiven her, but I will NEVER, EVER forget this and she needs to remember the major part she played in this mess. We’ll see what happens down the road.

  12. My husband had an affair with his office colleague last year and now I think he has feelings for a different woman. I was so distraught when the last affair happened that I left my job. We also have a platonic marriage and have had no sex for 15 years. I have no where to go and no means to support myself. I am just heart broken and could use some advice. Please help.

    1. Are you serious? You havent had sex for 15 years? You need advice?? Give the man some sex! Married people don’t have ‘platonic relationships’; thats for friends. I understand you feel betrayed but you must know there is nothing healthy about a marriage with no sex. This is in my opinion, the real issue you should be addressing. You two are friends that live together. Marriage involves a physical and sexual connection. Your husband needs physical love as well. And of course he would get desperate enough after 15 yrs to look elsewhere. But WOW that man must love you to stay in a ‘sexless’ marriage or you just haven’t caught him.

      You guys need to jump into bed and reconnect. If there are issues that prevent this… past sexual abuse etc, they need to get dealt with asap. Or I guarantee you will lose him to someone who wants him both in and out of bed.

  13. Did each of you WANT to fix & repair after betrayal? My husband went on a business trip and I later got a message from an escort through Facebook that she met with him. He made up a bs story that I believed for a short time. Then I was able to go through his phone and find the truth. He still says he didn’t really meet up with her. If you asked me if I believe that, my very quick response would be, no! I found messages to a few different escorts asking to meet. It’s been a few months since it all came out, and I kicked him out for about a month. He is now back home. Some days are ok and some are horrible. I have been reading on how to forgive but I constantly find me asking myself, do I even really want to. That’s my biggest question I think.

  14. First my husband and I have had a shaky marriage from the very beginning but I was never disloyal. A few months ago my husband confessed to me that he had an emotional that led to a sexual relationship with a mutual friend. He also confessed to several other “casual sex” events as he called it that has taken place during our 20 years of marriage. We married straight out of high school. We have 6 kids, which includes my step son that he told me he had 10 years into our marriage who is younger than our first born. I forgave him for that event.

    Now this mutual friend lived with us for about a year with her 5 year old then moved out. We stayed in touch with her because we love her and we’re concerned with her safety from her abusive child’s father. My husband helped her with her moving into her new place and then she approached him sexually and he received her approach. I was in touch with her, went to her home with my husband and kids on a few occasions and she came to our home during thanksgiving and Christmas and my husband and her acted as if nothing was happening with them. My kids call her their “aunt” because we were so close.

    Now when my husband confessed I confronted the other woman because I thought we were family. I thought she loved me and my family as her own but between her and my husband I don’t know who is worse. Some of the women my husband has been with have been in my home during family events while they were with my husband. I have been trying to forgive my husband and her but the level of betrayal and my husband told me he is in love with this other woman.

    I told him to leave but he wouldn’t because he felt the other woman was involved with her child’s father and he didn’t want to leave me or our children. While part of me wants to tell him get out and never return another part wants to forgive and repair this broken marriage and then I want to scream, yell, tell the other woman off because I’ve told my husband off.

    Then I considered all of the kids involved and how it would look if we go from constant contact to no contact and when I think about being in contact with this woman I feel like a volcano about to erupt. The only people that know about my husband and the other woman is her child, her child’s father and myself. I have no one to talk to about this but my husband and while he has been apologetic for what he has done and is trying to be a better person I am turned off and am constantly arguing with myself about what I should do. Every understanding I think I have eventually makes me angry and I hate where I am in my mind and heart. GOD help me.

  15. My husband and I had been married for not even five months when he confessed to me that he cheated on me only 2 months after our wedding and had actually never been faithful to me throughout the 6 years that we were dating. I was devastated. It broke me internally that he could have so little respect for me and my family to move in the direction of marriage when he was never committed to me in the first place. I feel as though our entire relationship is built on lies. All of my memories of us together are tainted.

    What is worse, is afterwards when I was hurt and angry, he verbally abused me, yelled and said the most terrible and mean things to me. I was completely blindsided that he would be so cruel and unkind. He placed blame on me and said made excuses. Nothing he stated was consistent. I am no fool and don’t deserve to be treated like one. I just don’t understand why he married me. Why didn’t he just call it off before we married and we go about our lives? I wish he would have. Nothing is more disturbing to be married to a man that you can’t stand to be near any longer. I have left home, yet we are still married. I don’t know if this is even worth mending and I am not sure that I want to.