After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
I’ve been married 18 years and for the past 10, sex has not been fun. My husband pesters me a few times a week for sex. Usually he doesn’t take no for an answer and I’ll give in. It will be a very unenjoyable event and me just wishing it was over during sex. I worry every time he wants to hug me or kiss me or watch a movie that all he really wants is sex.
I turn 40 this year and we still have kids in elementary and high school. I spend most days in bed, too tired to even do simple chores. The last thing I want is to be in bed more. Not sure how to fix it. I know sex is repulsive to me and I feel like I can’t preform the way he wants or am not good enough for him. I guess people here are saying women need to do this whether or not they want to. I spent 6 years crying every time we had sex because I didn’t want to do it. I’m over the crying but it’s still not fun. Wish I knew how to change my libido.
You need to see a physician (MD or DO). I had the very same thing & it was related to depression. I did not feel like I wanted sex, either, but after 3 weeks I began to desire it again.
If it is not aside effect of medication you are on then you and your husband need to seek a counselor. Some churches even have a couples marriage counselor who can listen and help. I went through an issue like this that you describe. We have had financial issues and major medical issues that have affected my mental being. But I was on some meds that I ended up taking myself off of and within 6 months my sex drive came back. Meds may not have the warning but may cause libido issues. Or it is possible there are little issues avoided that have been ignored that weigh on your mind and thrus causes lack of wanting to be intimate. It is hard for the men when women are into sex but honestly the time I went was nearly a year of not wanting to be intimate at all with my husband and it hurt me to. Thought wise I wanted to but my body just wouldn’t get there. I hope you and your husband can work though it and figure out how you both can be happy.
What if your husband does nothing but ask and ask even when kids are in the room or awake while I tell him daily to wait then I get exhausted at the end of the day from HIM asking me? I just want a friendship again like before. I don’t want sex every night. Some nights I dont want to hear about sex and I just want to talk normal and not hear him go mmm my woman is sexy. Yeah, it’s flattering but it’s every second (no lie) when he’s around. That’s all he does is talk about sex and touches me inappropriately in front of our kids.
What do I do with this situation? I’ve looked and looked and can’t afford a therapist to help I just want my friend back and not this sex monster. We used to have sex every week at least 4 times a day and 3 times a week or more since we had our kids. Still sex was frequent. I’ve been depressed and told him I don’t want it until another night and that I just want him to just be like before to get sex where we lay, we cuddle and it happens. Now all he does is sex, sex, sex, sex in public with kids or without at reunions with our families…I just do not know what to do but I don’t want to divorce him; I love him so so much and I knkw he’s still in there the friend I’ve been searching for… Help please, please, I need it. I do not know what to do :'(
One thing I wonder when my man gets overly compulsive is if he’s getting enough food, liquids, or sleep. He has sensory integration issues and often confuses one impulse with another. Often he calms down after he’s had a glass of water. Could this be because your man has the issue mine does (High-functioning autism)? If he has strange, quirky habits and works in an “unsocial” field such as IT that might be the case. I bring it up because the sort of social inappropriateness you discuss is another symptom.
Thanks Tracy, for sharing the insights you have in this comment and the one before this. Sometimes something as simple as giving a cup of water to our thirsty spouse can change things in a better direction. Your husband is a blessed man because you approach him in understanding ways. May God bless you all the more as you look for ways to bless your husband, rather than judge him :)
I’ve had sex when I’m exhausted just to get him to go away, and then he’ll have the nerve to complain that the sex wasn’t good and that I wasn’t into it. Of course I wasn’t into it! I am good with weekly or twice weekly sex, but now I don’t want to have sex with him at all because the moment I get home he’s like “Let’s have sex.” Geez, can I grab a glass of water first. I am really tired of it.
A nice web-site, I wished I read this sooner. I had known my husband since I was 23 years old…and at 57 we divorced. I was informed later by my son; Mother you Never gave dad enough sex… was I stunned – YES! My husband never communicated his needs to me although he had always been very heavy into PORN, and I being a spiritual lady found it very uncomfortable, and it actually pulled me away from wanting to be with him.
I probably ended my own marriage. I wasn’t meeting his needs at that time, yet I was so very turned off with the hrs of PORN watching. I still had strong feelings for him and wanted to be with him, but not this way… Yes, there was therapy…never worked: he Never wanted to discuss his issues about Porn ( NEVER ). What was the point of therapy then? What opened up was all our issues…and all became MY FAULT in our marriage… MY FAULT – he would never take blame…yet he told our son ALL…and much of it wasn’t the truth sadly to say. The marriage is over. I lost all – even my son. It’s a sad, sad situation… I pray daily for healing.. Amen. Yes, I was hurt!
It wasn’t your fault. He likely expected you to act like the women in the porn videos. That’s what my husband does too. It’s wrong.
Amazing write-up, Very well understood the needs of Husband, and amazing tips to protect our marriage, thank you very much!
What if the monster never has enough? What if you feed the monster daily and that’s not enough and you sacrifice your body to try making the monster happy so he’s not a bigger monster to your kids but the monster only likes extreme sex that seems to leave you feeling broken for days?
Three days before I can finally start to move my bowels; but the monster still wants it daily and the monster tells you you just like to complain and screws you with a cucumber and says how you should be able to not complain about painful sex because our bodies are meant to take it and heal up. I ask for it to stop. I get sorry, sorry lost. he says he doesn’t want to hurt you, but guess what? The monster does it over and over and you’re a fool because you can’t take it daily.
Tammy, this is sick behavior. The Bible says to “let the marriage bed be undefiled…” What that means is that sex between a husband and wife is to be between the two of them, mutually consenting –not inviting others into the bed (whether physically or visually). Using harmless sex toys is one thing, when both marriage partners mutually consent –that is fine. But when foreign objects are thrust into the sexual “play” between them and intimidation and shaming is being used… then he is not having sex with you, he is having sex with a cucumber… seeing how far he can take it into your human body, which at that point becomes an object to him too. That is deviant behavior.
It’s not difficult to know that he is into pornography. He has rewired his brain to try to satisfy the highs that he needs, which will get weirder and sicker, and NOT “normal.” There is a secular web site found at yourbrainonporn.com, which tells the science behind what our brain is subjected to with porn and how it rewires it to need satisfaction from stimuli, which shoves the marriage partner out and instead brings in other people, images, and objects. The brain can be rewired again, but not without MUCH difficulty. (If you put the words “deviant behavior” into their search engine you will learn a lot.)
Please know that you will never make your husband happy as long as he is on this bent. You will only bring him temporary relief from that, which is burning inside of him. But this type of sex is the type that will need to take it to new levels continually, and eventually without satisfaction (even worse than being a drug addict). Also, if he hasn’t already, he will most likely lose the ability to have an erection so using objects will not be unusual. You are enabling this sick behavior if you accommodate it. Please know that.
Tammy, this is not the type of behavior you want with your children around. You really need to keep an eye on them. It could go in that direction… maybe not, but it could. And most likely, they will eventually stumble across some of his stuff, which could be harmful for their psyche. Addicts drop the ball on being careful at certain stages of their addictions. Plus, you never know what diseases he could bring home to you with his sick behavior… he very well could be involving other people behind your back. Don’t put it past him.
I can’t tell you what to do but I know, without a doubt, what I would do. I would tell my husband that I will not participate in satisfying his sickness by allowing foreign objects to be put into my body by him. Making love is one thing, but thrusting objects into me –cucumbers and such, is entirely another. There’s nothing in the Bible that says a spouse must be subjected to that. The intimidation and shaming must stop too. And if this makes him angry and causes my kids not to be as safe, then I would find a way to get them to a place of protection. If he won’t be the man of the house, protecting his family and wife, then I would take over that position. Someone has to be the hero here. That is my humble, prayerful opinion… please prayerfully consider it.
This is absolutely correct. In my first marriage I was a feminist harridan who thought that any differences between us in sexual needs or anything else was because of “male privilege” and demanded that he change. I called him “rapey” for being unable (unwilling I thought) to stop staring at me when I got out of the shower. Needless to say, our marriage fell apart.
After a few years learning by working in a profession that shan’t be named, I got married again and by then I had learned the sorts of things our author discusses. I made it clear to my new husband that our bedroom was his brothel. He is in his forties but he still needs a “meal” (LOL) at least four days a week. In addition, my husband is a high-functioning autistic who would often stim* uncontrollably before we were together. This has basically disappeared. His mother told me that she had never seen him so comfortable.
* https://www.verywell.com/what-is-stimming-in-autism-260034
GENESIS 2:20b-25.But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man,and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD GOD had taken from the man He made into a woman and brought her to him. Then the man said,”This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall be one flesh. And the man and his wife were naked and were not ashamed.
Observations:
1. The only suitable meet for man is woman.
2. God is involved in the making of a marriage.
3. A man aught to close his eyes on one helper fit for him.
4. Man to appreciate the woman in his life and love her.
5. Leave and live for her to maximum.
6. Hold fast to each other and enjoy your marriage.
7. Never get ashamed of one another.
Blessings!
Very educative. I didn’t know that men’s sexual desires were a priority. Will now handle him better. God bless your ministry. -Lydia in Kenya.
If my husband of 44 years would just be happy with our 1-3 times of sex a week, I’d feel so much more secure, or loved. Since the first day of our marriage, he has complained that he wants sex 3x a day. (How would this be possible with jobs and child raising? Does the idea of seeing whether your wife would like that ever occur?). He was very tyrannical the first 20 years of our marriage, which made marriage so painful for me. He eventually began apologizing for some things, which is an improvement. He has wanted to have children, but always finds work and church events more interesting. (I think he needs lots of public recognition to be happy.) We have come last on his list of interests for 40+ years. As he nears age 70, he is alternately happy with me (“the best of wives) or angry (“44 years of despair is what you’ve given me”). I’m so worn out, so tired of feeling like a single mother of a large family on a tight budget with a MIA husband, who wants to achieve things and finds family life boring. I feel crushed by his brusque unkindness and self-centeredness. Each day I wake up and say to God and to myself, “I will say ‘I do’ again today,” and I believe I can do this every day until I die….but if he were kinder, more patient, not so angry, sex would be so much more attractive. (just realized I sounded like the beginning of Corinthian verse about love being patient, being kind, slow to anger, etc…it’s true.)
As a Christian I thought marriage would be forever and a good sex life was guaranteed from then on. How wrong I was. Sex was great with girlfriends before I got married and great with my wife before marriage. You can therefore imagine my shock when my wife said she was tired and just wanted to sleep on our wedding night! Unfortunately with the pressures of work, things got worse in that department so I immersed myself in work for 30 years putting up with sex once a week or two and gradually reducing over the years! Having a high sex drive (formerly 8 times a night, 5 days a week was normal) this hurt me immensely. On the upside, through immersing myself in work I became a multi-millionaire in the property business. In 2008 however the UK suffered a massive recession and to cut a long story short, I lost 95% of my assets virtually overnight. Just the previous week my bank manager asked my if I could use another £3m for investment and then after the crash, there’s no more money. Since then, the stress has been unbearable but due to unending hard work, 8 years on I did not go bankrupt and I’m beginning to dig myself out of the hole. Unfortunately my wife could not handle the stress and has gone off sex almost entirely. It’s now 4 times a year if I’m lucky. With all the pressure I’m under saving my business I need to feel valued and desired and ideally I need sex at least 3 times a week. I am at the end of my rope and am contemplating divorce as I can’t stand the rejection any more. I’m worth more than this. God help me.
Why do Christians always think women don’t have sexual needs? I look for articles to see if my strong sexual needs are “normal” …nothing, because no one thinks women have strong sexual needs. Everything is about women pleasing men and not men being attractive, sexy, everything is for men in Christianity. What a depressing religion. Women are made to feel like we’re bad if we have strong sexual needs, and selfish if we don’t. Such lies about women, so tired of hearing “women have emotional needs” and “women don’t have strong needs” really Christians get over your stereotypes, does nothing for relationships.
Hi Kayla, Yes, you have a point. It IS difficult to find Christian articles on this subject. But we have a few that are posted on this web site, and we link to additional blogs and web sites that address this issue. One article we have posted can be found at: https://marriagemissions.com/decreased-sexual-desire-husband-wife/. Another article can be found at: https://marriagemissions.com/husband-doesnt-want-make-love/. And then the following includes many links to articles on this subject, and can be found at: https://marriagemissions.com/spouse-no-desire-sex/. You can also look in the “Sexual Issues” topic of this web site to possibly find more. I hope this helps in some way.
Hi Kayla, We are working with what is average. Trust me, from working with women on their marriages for a VERY long time, you are an exception and if you are married, your husband is very fortunate. What you describe is not just a generalization in the Christian world, but most places outside the dramatization of movies/tv. Christianity is slow to this discussion about the needs of intimacy in marriage. Therefore we likely are a bit behind, but aren’t you glad we are at least talking about it. I’m 56, and it was NEVER discussed 30 years ago in church when I got married. Our premarital-pastoral counseling didn’t address it at all. Praise God for an open discussion where we can learn from each other. As you read all the other responses, you’ll see varying degrees of desire, problems, and opinions. I hope we will see more articles and discussions like this.
I get exactly what you are saying. I have extremely high sexual needs far more than my husband. I think it may be more of some ladies are so reserved and not talking about their needs like they should. Men and ladies both have needs. And in the Bible man is to hold his wife as an equal. When a man and women marry they are one another’s helpmates therefore both needs and wants are just as important, neither is more so. Some may not agree but no where in the Bible have I ever read that the wife is to be neglected. She is to be cherished loved. Marriage joins man and woman as One.
Great information! I have counseled and taught women for years in women’s ministry, and after 30+ years of marriage I am STILL learning how to set myself aside at times to love my husband how I want to be loved; selflessly. Ladies, don’t forget to compliment him on his attractiveness; even if his washboard abs are hiding in a washtub, find something to appreciate. Be the initiator at times, my husband and I have developed cues. A color of lipstick, a particular scent, certain music. If you need something from him to feel in the mood, ask in a playful and loving way.
Staying focused helps also as while men are visual, women are more mental. Always in a positive way. Who wants to hear what they’re doing wrong? If you tell him what he can do more right, success! He’s not a mind reader…If he knows what you want, (perfecting is fun) you both can have more fun. I gotta say this about body image…. in my mid life now, I asked my husband why he wanted to see my body when I was out of shape. He said, “Because I love YOU and never expected you to look 20 forever”. That truth set me free indeed.
So I love sex. And I tell my hubby I’ll do anything any way however you like it, as often as you like. But that’s not good enough for him. Almost every night he is flaming angry that I don’t pursue him and I’m lame and boring. I’m fit and he is attached to me and I him. PLEASE help. How do I get him to calm down and have sex with me?
I have a higher sexual need than most women. My husband gets overwhelmed sometimes. I ask him to just put it inside me some nights because he doesn’t have the energy. We have been married for only 2 years and he is only a year older than me. Am I too selfish? Can this damage our relationship in the long run?
This article isn’t even close to my experience. My husband has no interest in sex. I don’t even know what to say about this subject. I was hoping for help. Instead, I feel worse than ever. I wish I had a husband who wanted sex every three days. Your “problem” of what to do about a husband who does is amusing. It’s been six months as of today. And no, I’m not fat, ugly, nasty, or repulsive.
Trust me. You are lucky.