After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
My husband would rather have a root canal or colonoscopy than have sex with me. Married 49 years and only had sex once, the one thing we have left in common is sharing our property. He has no interest in sex, intimacy with me or any one else. He has no intimate friends (female or male) totally hates life and the world in general. It bothers no one and I had him watched by private people and all they said is he does normal things, work and etc. One statement was is he really is boring. Now I’m way too old to care any more, I hope he likes himself! I hate the man and just wish he would go away. I have no where to go; no family except my church family. I should have left him but I was stupid and young, now I regret my life.
I am so sorry! Wow! I have heard the older couples can be active. Even my once or twice a month is better than what you have suffered for 49 years. Wow!
I am a married woman. I have problems with my husband. He is jealous of me and also he needs sex daily. He told me if he can’t do sex daily he feels pain. I am not interested in that but I try to help him. He needs also oral sex. I don’t know what to do. If there is any advice or experience to share you are welcome, thanks.
Is your husband (and are you) a Christ-follower?
I am with my husband almost 35 years. He demanded sex so much that he made me HATE IT! I feel sexually abused and almost extorted on some occasions. I had to do it whether I wanted to or not and he would have excuses about his rights or seeking it elsewhere or his needs etc. There is a part of me that will always resent him for that and my love will never be full because of this abuse. I have had so many fights over this that I was ready to give up. I told him I was incapable of more than two to three times a week, my body couldn’t take it anymore at my age.
He has a prostate issue and takes medication for it. He came home with Viagra and I told him if he thought I would let him use me while he was on it he was mistaken and I would divorce him. I put my foot down and I PRAYED for God’s mercy. It was sheer torture. Now we have a schedule only 2 times a week. I can live with that even though that’s what newlyweds have. I almost hate it but I endure it. I’m not sure what will happen in a few years but when the time comes I will say NO and that may be the end of our life together if he makes that his priority. I don’t want to deprive him of that but I have a right to protect my person from the constant demand I cannot meet. Stand your ground and pray.
You should seek counseling together. Marriage can and will be amazing for you once you can both move forward with mutual love and respect for each other.
Only works if the man cares at all. You can’t appease a bully, and trying just makes him more aggressive.
This is an awesome article. Worded perfectly. I learned a lot.
Please help! I’m a disabled, diabetic 46 year old woman. my husband demands sex 24/7, sometimes twice a day. I can’t do that, I try to oblige him at least m-f but he keeps asking for more!!! ???
You are awesome! However, your husband needs to love you, too. If I had 2 times a week I would be estatic. Have you asked him if 5 days a week would be okay? Is he focusing on the topic throughout the day?
You must explain why you cannot do it as he demands. Your health is an issue for starters. As such you are more prone to tissue breakdown and slow healing. Too much sex can literally hurt you down there! No women or few want constant sex! It is annoying and painful to be chased by a dog in heat. Sorry, that’s how men act about it. Set your terms or you will wind up hating him for abusing you. Yes it is abuse! As a sovereign person you have a right to determine how your body is used. If it’s No, it’s NO! He will get the picture and go along with it. Try not to make it too miserable for him. I grin and bear it and the whole time my face is grimaced in agony. I used to love sex until he began making it a chore that had to be done like a load of laundry. Set your terms or your marriage won’t last! God Bless!
I hate my sex life! I’ve been married 23 years. I know my wife has some health problems but she has energy for everything else. I ask, she might say yes, but it’s out of pity. PITY!!! Who wants charity sex? I certainly don’t. I might as well masturbate and feel guilty… it’s just about the same thing. Oh how I envy men who get it 3, 4 or 5 days a week. Its not fair!
I know this sounds selfish, ungodly, and animalistic. I say to myself, “I should be okay with twice a month. My wife loves me and I love her”. But I really hate this. Any advice?
Well it’s not the best thing I ever heard. But maybe you should consider the possibility that your wife HAS to accomplish many tasks for the family. It’s different to want and to have to. Depending on her ailments it may not be easy for her. Is there any emotional problems? Are you overly demanding? Be compassionate towards your wife. Kindness opens opportunities.
I’m not saying that your needs don’t matter, but you are not the only one in the relationship. You have a to work together. Praying doesn’t hurt. You are supposed to love your wife as Christ loves his church.This means putting her before yourself. Sometimes meaning to wait and sacrificing your wants when she’s not feeling good. Dominating the flesh. Talk with her honestly but lovingly. Maybe she needs you to make her feel loved. Maybe she’s feeling like you are only interested in the physical and not in her. Yes, sometimes women get turned off by the way men rush , but lack of physical intimacy is a two way street. Analyze your approach and the manner you treat her.
Are you submissive to God? Do you respect him? Does his love and kindness live in your heart? Does it show? Is that what she sees in you? Love kindness compassion selflessness…? When was the last time you brushed her hair? Took a walk together? Rubbed her shoulders? Intimacy can start out with gentle touching reminding the other person how much you need each other. Will it always lead to sex….maybe not. But try to reestablish a connection between the two. Communication with love and understanding.
I agree with what you say, it’s very important that the husband does things first for his wife and analyze his behavior. But it’s not ok that one of the spouses has to go through a check list before the other spouse wants to have sex. As I say I agree, be romantic, woo your spouse, learn your spouse love language, seek God first etc. but if one of the spouses has to do a lot of things before the other spouse decides to have sex then something is very wrong. A married person shouldn’t have to work or “pay” for sex because the other spouse doesn’t want to.
Men should love their wives like Christ loves the church but the wife needs to submit to the husband like the church should submit to Christ. And by submitting I don’t mean obeying like a slave but in love, honor their husbands, caring for their needs. Not because they have to but because they love their husbands. Caring for the other spouse’s need is not just a man’s job it’s a women’s job too. There may be different reasons why she doesn’t want to and it is important that they pray over it and that the wife starts to analyze why she doesn’t want to and tell her husband. Maybe she needs healing from wrong views about sex, maybe it’s from past abuse or maybe at plain selfishness. Whatever it is she needs to pray that the Lord will help her because sex in marriage is so important. Read 1 Corinthians 7 where Pauls says there that spouses shouldn’t deny each other if they don’t agree on it together for a short period. So if one spouse is denying sex he or she is hurting their spouse and their marriage.
Without romance and sex a marriage is practically a roommate agreement. So both spouses have to work on it and iF one of the spouses is struggling with having sex then he or she needs to pray, needs to seek help, counseling, doctors etc. If it’s a health issue they need to talk about how they will be intimate in other ways but if it’s just plain refusal because “I don’t feel like it” then the person really needs to ask God for forgiveness and start caring for theire spouses needs.
Sex is not doing dishes. A different kind of energy. I know I was in a car accident and I cannot tolerate sex very often. Getting angry when you know your wife is sick and cannot have sex as often does more damage than the sickness itself. Tons of help with chores/house/,etc. lots of love and understanding and genuine concern for her feelings will help get you more sex. Try it and not just short term. It should be your way of life.
See a sex therapist. Someone who knows how to deal with sex disabilities and aging, often creative problem solving is the most important thing.
Masturbate AND DONT FEEL GUILTY. You need physical release she probably can’t provide it or provide enough of it.
BRAIN SEX-that means sex with no touching at all. I would focus on emotional connection and intimacy, not XXX phone sex at the beginning. Talk together about what you like and don’t like, about how you enjoy one another, let her know that you need to be wanted and attractive and desirable to her, even if she doesn’t actually have the energy for anything. Being a man she admires and wants and is glad is around and looks up to is the most important part to you. Let her know that. Then after a few months work up to things that are a little frisky. Talk about liking to kiss one another certain places or something. This can go all the way up to very explicit phone sex (with your spouse) if you’re up to it.
And make sure you get time alone together in private to focus on one another even if it is just cuddling and talking because if the sexual is dropped and not replaces with something going to undermine things even more. Also no pressure. Don’t push your wife in this area faster than she wants to go.
Google spoon theory. It’s away of explaining the limited energy of sick people. Try to find ways to conserve your wife’s energy, not just for sex but for her quality of life and fun couples things in general.
Also again go see asked therapist and maybe an individual counselor for your wife because SHE may not feel sexy with this medical condition. Imagine how your wife would feel if she gained 100lbs. Not good right? It may have a similar effect on how she thinks of herself as a desirable lover, or she may worry that you find her unattractive.
Again get some expert advice and support on dealing with this situation because their is a lot out there in aging sexuality and disabilities and you don’t have to reinvent the wheel.
My wife and I average about 10-12 times a year. I feel myself getting frustrated after about 3-4 weeks. This has been going on since I met her, I guess it will never change. I think when she does have sex with me, she’s just throwing me a bone, I don’t think she even likes doing it all that much. If it were up to her, we would never do it! And now I’m afraid if we got help for it and started doing it more often that it wouldn’t be sincere. So frustrating!
I feel your frustration. I am in a similar boat. For the first 4-6 months of our marriage we were inseparable. I almost felt like I couldn’t keep up with her. We held out till we were married which was a real challenge but one I think has given us great blessings. We were blessed with great news and once sex became more troublesome due to a progressed state of pregnancy we decided to give things a rest until out baby was born.
He finally was born and due to the type of pregnancy we needed to keep those flames at bay a little longer. After about 10 months of the cross of being patient when it is challenging she finally agreed to start the engines back. Since then 12-16 times a year seems to be the number. Sometimes 6 weeks go by and sometimes it will be twice in a week. What is even more frustrating is that we are trying to get pregnant again and I have to sit in front of a doctor and lie to them about how often we are having sex as to not embarrass my wife and keep them bewildered as to why the first pregnancy was so easy and for 2 years we haven’t been able to achieve another. We lack the key ingreediant…The sex part.
I’ve read the article and I found a lot of it hit close to home. Ive also read a lot of the men’s responses to it and I see a lot of men in relationship agony as well. What I find encouraging are some of our sisters in Christ accepting the message as it was intended and showing some encouraging signs of support. What I find discouraging are the opposite responses that dredge up the other partners pains and frustrations. I understand that we all have our horror stories of relationship problems, but reading this article and immediately focusing on worst case scenarios of abuse really doesn’t get to the heart of why this particular article was written. I’m sure there are hundreds of posts concerning those crosses that women bear but I searched for hours looking for the other side of the story to find this article.
Please don’t forget why we got married in the first place. A lifetime of love and partnership on our Very short time on this planet in our journey to Christ.
We all get busy, we all have tasks that need completing, we all have worries and doubts about an uncertain future, we all get tired and our lives are full of distractions… Please don’t forget we all have needs that through the sacrament of marriage are ONLY fulfilled with each other’s cooperation. We are partners in this game of life and if we took a moment to look at what we DO manage find time for you might wonder if our priorities are ordered to ourselves or one another.
Sex is the full gift of one to the other ordered to the unity of each spouse to each other and God open to its life giving blessings. This shouldn’t be a chore, a pity, a reward, a threat… It is a unique expression of your love to the person you are joined to for life that no man can put asunder.
You did an incredible job accurately voicing your frustration and the reasoning behind it. I’m wondering – are you able to or have you spoken to your wife like this?
Frustration doesn’t even begin to cover it. My wife has denied me sex for so long I don’t even try anymore. That angers her. Years ago, I got tied up in pornography over it and she still really hasn’t forgiven me for that and uses it frequently in our arguments. Still no sex. We’ve been married for 23 years, our kids are gone and I’m about to just throw in the towel and call this marriage for what it is. Sexless and hopeless.
Adam, DecCaf, Net- Have you tried professional help? Maybe your wife has a physical disorder or hormonal imbalance? Sounds really horrible!! Seems to be very unfair for the wife to blame husband for getting into porn, yet she witholds the normal and needed intimacy…
I am sure you have explained this impossible dilemma to her? The best thing is to reach a workable compromise? Not easy!! But necessary of course. These sites are very good! Show these to your wife? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w plus: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20 plus: http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage
Hope these ideas help… As a man, I can understand where you are VERY well!! WP (Work in Progress- married 36 years)
I’ve been without for so long that I just don’t care and gave up. My husband never wanted me and all these years I’ve been ignored.I don’t care just like he does. If I have another life I hope it’s better than now. And maybe soon my life will be over.
In my previous marriage l wanted sex but my husband had a very low sex drive. This was behind the reasons for the divorce. So it works both ways. Sometimes it’s the wife who is feeling neglected and unwanted. Now I’m remarried to a wonderful man who has a much higher need and I’m much happier.
Thank you,I have learned a lot about men and sexual desires.
I’m very bitter right now. It’s opposite with me. My husband literally turns me down every single time I initiate. I’m tired of being rebuffed. I’m not unattractive and am a nice person. I’m the one who plans dates (which are also rebuffed. I’m patient, try to be understanding, went back to work full time so he could go to school and take care of the house and kids more how he wanted). We have three kids under 4, and he has become a jerk. Sometimes it’s just that simple, sorry to say.
My coworkers and patients like me and even seem to admire my work ethic, personality, and I get a lot of compliments about being attractive. I think I just have a husband who is selfish and self centered. Sometimes it’s not the woman’s response or actions. Sometimes it’s mostly the man.
I have only had sex once this year. I am starving and my wife refuses to have sex with me. I am now thinking about prostitutes for sexual satisfaction. The last time I was with a prostitute was about 8 years ago and I don’t want to go this way again. I have been married for 28 years; my wife is 47 and I am 56 years old.
First of all, I am a woman, and I think that the real problem is that many husbands who have commented are focussed on sex, not love, to get their needs met. Some even sound quite selfish, sorry to say. Lovemaking is precisely that, and my husband would tell you that the prelude and aftermath are just as important as the act of intercourse. He is utterly unselfish in bed, and says he is more turned on by my response than anything else I might do to him. We both have health issues, and I’m in a wheelchair. Yet he always holds my hand and kisses me full on the lips when he’s helped me into my wheelchair. God definitely saved the best until last.
We make love once or twice a week -not bad for a 73 year-old prostate cancer survivor with 58 year-old wife. Is it enough? Not quite, but as far as I know, masturbation is not a sin, unless adulterous fantasy is indulged in: visiting a prostitute, having an affair or viewing pornography, certainly is.
Jimmy Evans refuses to compare his wife Karen’s body with anyone who hasn’t paid the price to bear his children. This is an excellent yardstick, as a wife needs to feel desirable and not embarrassed by a body that’s older, larger and stretch-marked, so avoid viewing anything that will make your wife feel insecure with her physical self. Become a man of God, serve your family, love and cherish your hard-working wife, finding your joy in the girl you married. Learn her Love Language.
My husband is a man of few words, but my Love Language is words, so he makes his count: sends me a text, puts a post-it heart somewhere for me to find, posts me a card so that I see his handwriting on the envelope, says things like ‘You’re part of me, bone of my bone…’ He can also tease me, and still make me feel shy, reducing me to putty in his hands, then we make love and feel wonderful for days afterwards. How could I not adore him and want to make him as happy as I can?
Thank you SO much Hannah, for sharing this. I totally agree. I wish every spouse could read this. It’s love, as God would have us give. You have blessed us by telling us some of the things you’ve learned on this area of marriage. May God bless your marriage all the more as you reflect the love of Christ within your marriage.
Men talk about sex but they really need/mean love. If I come to bed and snuggle with my wife and tell her I love her and she just goes to sleep, that is ok. But if I do this every night, and not once, if I were to come to bed first, does she snuggle and kiss me and tell me she loves me, it gets to me. I don’t want my wife to touch me sexually if she doesn’t want to. I want my wife to want to touch me, to want to please me, and to want me to please her. Loving sex is what men want, but it doesn’t sound like it when, what they know for a fact is that they don’t have sex often enough, and they feel rejected.
Rejected over sex, yes, but we need the sexual feedback to feel emotional connection and love. And I don’t buy the excuses. My wife won’t initiate intimacy because she knows it will turn me on, and she doesn’t have the energy. I don’t get why she doesn’t understand that pleasing me for 10 minutes would make me the happiest man in the world. To be honest, the physical pleasure and release is great, but much more importantly I am happy because she loves me enough to do that for me. Because she knows it makes me happy. Because nobody else is allowed to do that for me, and I don’t want that from anybody else anyway.
No man worth keeping says he is not getting enough sex because he just needs a place to put it. It is the whole package men are looking for. And when it comes to feelings of emotional connection and togetherness, touch, especially sexual pleasure, is the language that speaks to us. And while we enjoy the process turning our significant others on, we also like to be turned on ourselves once in a while. More than just once in a while, really.
Very well said. Could not have done better myself… very true. Here’s a link which speaks to that very well I think… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w. Thank you! WP (Work in Progress)
This post touched my heart. It is nice to think that at least some men may feel this way… makes a lot of sense to the way God has created the two to connect. Maybe if we can enter into the Truth and see it from that perspective we would want to start giving again. That thinking needs to be on both sides. Maybe we should be guarding our hearts and minds more in the matters of purity in the way we view sex/Gods creation. The Heart is the well spring that will flow from us so… above all else guard it as Proverbs warns.
I lived by the life of obedience to sexual need for 20 years. In my case, it didn’t lead to closeness or that sense of beautiful sacrifice. If I asked for a night off, “husband” would pout and say he couldn’t go to work in the morning. Lots of other punishments, too. He didn’t care if I was crying during the process, or what. I took to allowing him to “relieve” himself in me, no matter what, because Christianity states that it’s wrong to do other techniques. And never mind the fact that my obedience led to six c-sections.
If a spouse is willing to talk – truly talk – and not just try to “convince” or create fear in the marriage, then maybe the sexual relations, regardless of actual desire, can lead to unity. I can’t even imagine a spouse willing to discuss feelings, though. That’s not what I experienced. I don’t know what the answer is, because it’s obvious that modern techniques and ideas lead to horrible consequences, too. For now – I know that physical and emotional safety are priorities. The specifics of how to love and lead a moral life will flow from there.
I am irritated. My husband sent me this link, not that this was a bad article but it was too simplistic and I feel a lot is missing. I think it takes the right two people and they have to discover what works for them. It is possible for some women to desire sex just as much as men and vice versa. Women have been “rejected” too for what ever reason, performance related and not.
It’s great for a couple to feed each other, a man’s need for sex is no greater than my need for emotional support, emotional intimacy, and security. If I work, take care of the kid, worry about bills and household needs as well as carry the weight of whatever stresses or personal struggles I’m battling, all while trying to carve out some stolen seconds before sleep for myself then I may not have the time or energy to serve someone’s sexual need.
I challenge the men who fell rejected to seriously ask themselves have you provided for her needs? Have you sincerely engaged her in a conversation recently, was it today? Did you ask her how she felt and really wanted to know and really listened to her answer? Have you given to her emotionally? Do you know what her love language is? We are not horrible monsters for not transforming too sex kittens at your whim, some of us are just not wired like that, others may just be too weight down with the work of surviving, try to lighten her load.
My husband and I have been married 22 years. I am struggling because in the past few months, my husband increasingly uses crude language and groping to indicate that he wants to have sex, and it completely turns me OFF. I feel disrespected that he would talk to me or touch me that way after I’ve asked him not to. I will not pretend that I enjoy it–and at certain times of month, his squeezing my breast HURTS! I’ve discussed this with him respectfully, repeatedly, and yet, when he wants sex, he still talks to me like I’m supposed to enjoy being called crude names and being grabbed and uncomfortably squeezed. Tonight, I finally told him, “I am sorry, but I just can’t feel sexy when you speak to me like that and grope me that way. It makes me uncomfortable. Would you please try to be more romantic so I can get into it?” And he got angry and said that I was “rejecting him.” Now he’s pouting in the other room.
I’ve told him many times that I need emotional connection, affection, and gentleness to feel sexual desire, but over the past few months, he rarely makes any effort to show me affection or spend time with me unless he wants sex. And then, I feel like he’s watching the clock instead of paying real attention. His body language implies, “How long ’til I can initiate sex?”
Lately, he also tries to rush me physically, often skipping foreplay and going straight to the “sexual parts,” which does not feel good to me. I’ve tried telling him this, and guiding him to what does feel good, but he’ll just do it that way for a very short time, and then starts rushing again. I feel as if he wants to do the “bare minimum” that lets him feel like he tried to please me (even when I am not pleased). And it confuses me, because it’s not like he rushes himself to “finish.”
Despite all this, I have very rarely turned him down for sex (only when I’m ill or when he’s drunk), but if I initiate, he nearly always turns me down.
I’m trying to focus on and appreciate what he does that does feel good, but he’s making it increasingly difficult by skipping those things more and more!
I got the advice to give him more sex, so that he’d feel more loved, and would in turn start to meet my needs more. So we have had sex nearly every day for the past month but I feel worse each time. I don’t feel better or more connected after sex–I just feel used. I feel we don’t “make love” any more because he doesn’t seem to care what my needs or wants are.
I know he’s not using porn at home or on his phone (no internet access here, and I use his phone regularly, too), and I’m pretty sure those kinds of things are blocked where he works, too. I don’t have suspicions or any indication that he’s cheating, though I suppose it’s possible. But I’m beginning to feel as though I’m just an object for his pleasure, and my feelings don’t matter to him. I have no idea how to get it across to him that this is making me dislike having sex with him at all!
He refuses to go to marriage counseling or talk to a “mentor couple” (not that I’d even know where to begin with that). He has attended marriage retreats with me in the past, so I’m considering that, just don’t know whether it would help with this issue.
I don’t want to become the “cold” wife who hates or avoids sex. I actually have had a fairly high sex drive throughout our marriage, but this behavior is putting a big damper on that! Please, any ideas?