Marriage Missions International

Why Living Together Before Marriage Isn’t a Good Idea

To a lot of people it seems to make sense that a wise step in knowing if you’re compatible to marry would be to “test run” your relationship by living together first. At least that’s what seems to be the consensus in today’s world. But is it really as good of an idea as it seems like it would be? Here’s what a few “experts” are saying about this situation:

“You may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible —a sort of ‘test drive’ that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.

“The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to abstain from sex, date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing.” (Bill Maier, Ph.D.)

There are a lot of reasons for not living together before marriage and those discussed above are just a few of them. Another reason is:

THE MARRIAGE MYTH: Couples who live together before marriage, and are able to test how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples that don’t. Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up.

“One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. In addition, the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest, ‘There may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills.’” (Smartmarriages® Subject: TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE- Popenoe /Piece of Paper schedule – 2/13/02)

Another reason why living together isn’t a good idea is the ambiguousness of the relationship, as well as the issue of extended family awkwardness and strain that develops as a result:

“Cohabitation is certainly a moral issue, but seeing it as a sociological and psychological issue as well reveals that cohabiting relationships tend —with all other things being equal —to be shorter-lived and more volatile than marriages because cohabitation is an ambiguous relationship,” Glenn Stanton, director of family formation studies at Focus on the Family, said.

“The man typically sees the relationship less seriously and more temporary than the woman and each partner’s parents and extended family are not sure what the nature of the relationship is,” Stanton added.

“Would a father-in-law be as likely to get his daughter’s live-in boyfriend a job down at the factory or provide the money for their first home as he would his daughter’s husband, his son-in-law? Of course not and this demonstrates one way how cohabiting relationships are practically very different.” (From Crosswalk.com article, written by Erin Roach, “Cohabiting Normative but Harmful”)

There is often an awkwardness and a tentativeness that goes on in the minds of extended family members. After-all, how permanent is this relationship, in their view? If they get too tied up emotionally and otherwise, and the relationship breaks apart, more hearts are broken and other complications arise, so it seems to make the best sense to hold back in different ways.

It’s true that many marriages break up, leading to their own set of complications, but somehow when vows are exchanged in marriage between the man and woman, it is viewed that this is a relationship where the couple are vowing to permanence and showed it by getting married. The family members have more reason to believe this will be a “forever” relationship.

And while it may or may not be true that the “man” sees the relationship less seriously than the woman, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to say that either the man OR the woman is probably less serious about the relationship than the other. Otherwise, why is there hesitation in making it permanent legally as well as emotionally, especially if both are Christians.

Which brings up next the issue which is, even more importantly, that there are spiritual reasons for not living together. As followers of Christ we are to do things God’s way:

“We are to give our body to our spouse only within the context of a permanent marriage commitment. (See Genesis 2:24.) Anything less than this dishonors the high purpose that God intends for our sexuality. Premarital sex is, therefore, self-centered —it seeks immediate physical pleasure at the expense of God’s design for us and for our partner. It should be fairly obvious as well that those who practice premarital sex on an ongoing basis are also deliberately reserving the right to exit the relationship easily, should they decide to.

“In other words, when someone calls on you for premarital sex, he is really saying, ‘I want to use your body to satisfy my sexual appetite, but I want to remain free to reject you afterward.’” (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)

To add onto that:

“We have to understand that in God’s sight, when a man and woman marry and join their bodies together sexually, something spiritual occurs—they really do become “one.” When a husband and wife make love, it is a living picture of the spiritual reality of marriage—two people melded into one. But this physical joining is only one part of the union. Marriage is the combining of a man and woman at every level—not just sexually but emotionally, spiritually, and in every other way.

“In God’s plan, sexual union was never meant to be separated from this total union. C. S. Lewis compares having sex outside of marriage to a person who enjoys the sensation of chewing and tasting food, but doesn’t want to swallow the food and digest it. This is a perversion of God’s intent. Food was meant to be chewed and also swallowed. In a similar way, the sex act was meant to be part of the whole-life union of marriage. When we attempt to experience sex apart from this union, we’re disrespecting and dishonoring marriage.” (Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem —Lust is)

Those are just a few of the reasons why it isn’t good to live together before marrying. There are even more reasons.

For you to be able to read others, we’re providing links below to other web sites that have articles posted, which you can read that might help you to further see why living together before marriage isn’t a good idea.

The first article is found on the web site Focusonthefamily.com. Please click onto the link below to read:

The Problem with Living Together

And there is an article posted at Crosswalk.com you may find it helpful to read:

WANT TO HARM YOUR FUTURE MARRIAGE? TRY COHABITATION

—ALSO—

There is an article posted on the Boundless.org web site that could also give you further insights. Please click onto the link below to read:

STOP TEST-DRIVING YOUR GIRLFRIEND

—ALSO—

For further information on this subject Dr Willard Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders has a Question and Answer article article where he makes some EXCELLENT points in his answers. We encourage you to read them (plus other information you could find very useful on his web site).

To learn more, please click onto the link below to read:

LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others on this issue, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Share

Join the Discussion!

But please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.
We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.


− two = 5

Comments

24 Responses to “Why Living Together Before Marriage Isn’t a Good Idea”
  1. Babalwa says:

    (RSA)  How do you forgive a man or husband that cheated on you?

    • Vince says:

      (U.S.A)  You forgive by his actions. Although it will take a while to forget but normally you really have to analyze his actions… Are they the same in recognition… Is he producing the same amount of love, or is it diminishing over time? Does he spend quality time with you or is he away from you most of the time? Is his actions in the state of forgiving, or is it phony just to help you forget & not focus on the negativity. Remember actions speak louder than words, especially if you insist on salvaging you marriage/relationship.

      As he produces good fruits then give him the benefit of the doubt. Go by his actions.

  2. Alice says:

    (USA)  I got pregnant as a non-believer the first time I had sex with my boyfriend. We moved in together and have remained unmarried for close to 7 years now. I am now saved and a Christian believer. It bothers me that we are not married, however neither one of us now is convinced we want to be together forever. We have been through sins of emotional & physical abuse, affairs, pornography, and more. We have sought counseling through the church and although many issues have been healed, we still live together unmarried.

    I feel this separates me from God – but some are telling me ‘you have already been having sex unmarried for 6 years and with a child -you are now spiritually bonded so what’s the big deal? Or similar things. This bothers me because all I hear is ‘you’ve already been sinning, so you may as well continue to do so’. Am I being selfish in wanting to separate to get in alignment in God’s word? I have issues that need healed too and since we don’t want to marry -even with a child between us -I think it’s time to separate and submit our relationship to God until it’s decided. Please let me know your thoughts and advice!

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Hi Alice, Upon reading your comment, all I can say it the cliche, “Go girl!” Go with God on this. He is obviously opening your eyes and calling you into His loving ways of dealing with the mess that is around you. He loves you and is calling to you. I encourage you to respond by running TO Him, rather than away.

      Sadly, you will find others, who may be well intentioned, and yet WRONG, who will give you advice that is contrary to that which is right. Please don’t go along with faulty advice. Just because you have a past of doing what you shouldn’t, it doesn’t mean that you should spend one more day doing what God is showing you to be wrong.

      The journey ahead of you will be anything but easy, but believe me, it will be worth it. I know, we had to turn our backs on the advice of “friends” and go as the Lord was showing us. Some of those friends grew with us and others shunned us. It was painful. But in the long-run, it’s been the best thing that ever could have happened.

      Even if you don’t do it for you (which I hope you will), keep in mind that you have a child to raise — one that you need to teach to make wise and right decisions. If your lifestyle smacks in the face of what you are trying to teach him or her, your actions will speak louder than your words. This is troublesome on so many levels. Please, please, please pursue living as God would have you. You will have tough times ahead of you, but you will never be sorry. God is awesome!

    • Julia says:

      (NIGERIA)  Hi Alice. In the eyes of God, fresh sins or old sins are the same. You’ve gotten it right by thinking you should both be separated, till you’re ready for marriage. It’s definitely what God wants. Whenever you receive the call to give your life to Christ you should turn around as “old things are past away”.

      I respect your courage and thoughtfulness. May Christ give you the Grace to please Him, Amen.

    • Sam says:

      (USA) Although I don’t practice Christianity, I will give you the same advice as a practicing Muslim. Do not continue your relationship without marriage because you need to secure your child’s future, as well as, your future. And if this relationship is meant to be, your partner will come back to you after you decide to leave him for God.

  3. Dammy says:

    (NIGERIA)  I had an introduction sometime in 2007. I was so much in love with the man in question. The guy was in the UK at that time, and the relationship lasted for 5 years. There were so many issues surrounding our being together, so much, that the guy couldn’t come back to Nigeria and I was unable to get a visa to the UK.

    The guy called the relationship quits in 2009 but I held on till I coulld see him in 2010 when he came to Nigeria. But then he had started a relationship with another lady. Every man of God I discussed this issue with told me it wasn’t natural, that there were some spiritual manipulations in place to prevent us from getting married. Anyway, the guy got married last year so we stopped talking, for a while.

    The same month he got married I was issued a visa to the UK. I travelled but didn’t see him because I was bitter. Less than a year now, my ex wants to separate from his wife and wants to see me. Unfortunately for him, I just met this guy that I like in a way, and am carrying his baby.

    Because of my past experience I just want to do a small wedding with short notice, before my belly starts protruding. I am not happy that I got pregnant before the wedding but I still don’t want too many people present. The new guy is out of job presently, does not have a car, but I believe in his potential and am trusting God for a job for him. I am confused though. I hope I am not making a mistake. Someone please talk to me!

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Dear Dammy, Please don’t proceed when you are “confused.” The enemy of our faith is the “author of confusion.” Please don’t proceed down his path. It’s a destructive one. There is a lot of confusion going on here and there is a young child growing inside of you that doesn’t need to be born into confusion. Step back, let this “new guy” show his potential before you would ever consider marrying, even though it means you will give birth to this baby without a husband. Yes, that will be most difficult. But it’s better to have no husband while raising a child than one who can be most problematic. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. “Potential” needs to show itself to be based upon reality BEFORE marrying. It’s easy to talk a good talk, but it’s another thing entirely to walk that good talk. Let him talk AND walk, before you would marry. Don’t rush into marriage (whether your “belly starts protruding” or not).

      The fact that this is a man you “like in a way,” who has not truly revealed his potential (by getting a job) in helping to support you and this child (not just impregnating you) is a disturbing way to start a marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. It isn’t something you just stumble into and out of, but rather a commitment you both walk into fully committed and ready to partner in. There is nothing in what you write above that makes me think you or this man are ready for that type of sacred commitment.

      And please don’t make the same mistake this other “guy” made. Obviously, he wasn’t ready to marry. And I don’t believe you are ready either. Furthermore, please don’t stay in touch with this other guy either. He called it quits on your relationship in 2009, and now he is wanting to call it quits on his marriage. What makes you think that he won’t call it quits on you in the future if you keep going on as you are? He is obviously a premature (and immature) quitter.

      Whether you ever had a chance of making your relationship a good one in the past, it certainly can’t be good now or in the future. Please don’t marry the other man for hasty reasons. And please don’t get involved with this married man (even if he “wants to separate from his wife”) and wants to see you. He needs to be working on the commitment he made, not the one he left. A man who will cheat with you is capable of cheating on you. He IS married –whether he or you wishes he wasn’t. He is a newlywed who needs to concentrate on his marriage, and not on contacting another woman from his past. If either of you ever loved the other before, it is now tainted by unwise choices. Please don’t add to them.

      Stand up to the poor choices you have made. Grow in love with this child inside of you, don’t marry someone out of haste and any clouded potential you see. Run from this other guy, erasing any communication bridges you may have built. He is a toxic relationship for you because of the commitment he made to his wife. And please, stand up like a woman, accept responsibility for your choices, and raise this child in dignity and grace and love. Please make wiser choices in the future for you and this child. It’s the right thing to do. I truly hope you will. I pray the best for you and for this baby.

  4. Lacy says:

    (UNITED STATES) I am currently struggling with my boyfriend of a little over a year. We have lived together for the past 7 months, half of which he was on deployment. I moved out a couple weeks ago due to the fact that we couldn’t quit arguing and blaming each other for the wrong that we both have done. He wants me to move back in so badly, but I feel like why should I if I know it is wrong is God’s eyes?

    He doesn’t think so and always tries to pressure me and always asks “which Bible verse says we cant live together?” I struggle with defending myself. I love him, but I want to stand firm with God. Financially we struggle, bad so living with someone else puts a large strain on both of us. I am a Christian and want to live by what God says and not by this world. Please help!

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Lacy, When you stand before the Lord someday, do you think He will listen to your excuse that you wouldn’t have been with your boyfriend sexually and lived with him, but he was pressuring you, so you did it anyway? If excuses didn’t cut it from the beginning of mankind with Adam and Eve, what makes you think that it will work now? It won’t. You need to stand true to your own convictions –not your boyfriend’s. You say, “Why should I (move back in) if I know it is wrong in God’s eyes?” You know the answer to that question. Being a Christian is more than saying that you are one, it’s LIVING it, as a follower of Jesus Christ. It’s living and communicating the gospel message with and without words. What “message” are you communicating in the way you are living, and what do you think God’s answer would be to the question of whether or not you should live with your boyfriend or have sex with him outside of marriage?

      If you read through the topic of “Sex Before Marriage” you will find lots of scriptures and points made, based on scripture, including 1 Corinthians 6:13-20. But the fact is Lacy, even if you didn’t have scripture to toss back at your boyfriend, do you really need it? You have the conviction of the Holy Spirit going on in your heart. You need to listen and not harden your heart to what God is telling you.

      If living apart is causing a financial strain, then why not get married? If he’s not a Christian and you are convicted in your heart about being unequally yoked, then that’s a reason not to marry. But it’s also a reason not to live together or have sex together. Again, be true to your convictions. And if he says he isn’t ready for marriage, then please know that he’s not ready to have sex with you, or to truly make love to you, because true love does not pressure someone to live contrary to their convictions. The sexual side of you is the part of you that should be reserved for your husband. Deep inside you know that.

      You need to get some backbone, Lacy. You are dealing with adult issues, adults approach serious issues with conviction and also maturity. If you and your boyfriend are “arguing and blaming each other for the wrong” you have done, then you both need to work on the “wrongs” that are going on. You also need to apply yourself to learn better conflict resolution skills. There’s plenty of help out there to learn those things, if you apply yourselves. Please be the adult here and start doing so. And don’t lower your convictions and give in to that which you know you should not do.

      I pray for you Lacy. I pray the Lord speaks to your heart to help you to sort out what you should do and what you shouldn’t. And I pray for you to gain the strength to apply what the Lord shows you to do so you don’t live in a state of confusion –but in Truth and Love –God’s Love applied daily.

  5. Andem says:

    (CAMEROON) I believe in that part that if you’re not married, no sex. Please, I really want to learn more on that topic. Thanks. I am a believer and a born again Christian, for that matter. I really want to know how to live with a fiancé.

  6. Gail says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA) I am 31, living with m boyfriend for almost a year now. About 7 weeks ago fell pregnant with him. Now my problem is that we have always had fights and he is an unbeliever although he acknowleges there is God. I made a mistake in entering into this relationship before marriage and above all we are always battling with where we stand because there was never a marriage ceremony nor an exchange of vows.

    Now I prayed to GOD to find this website were I can get an insight of what I’m going through and thankfully here I am. Well I know I am not married, I entered into pre-marital sex, I live with a non-christian and I am not happy. But my question is what do I do now? My boyfriend is a hardcore weed (marijuana) smoker. He abuseses me verbaly and emotionaly so often. He doesn’t trust me at all and defends himself by saying it’s because he loves me too much. In our year together he physically beat me twice AFTER accusing me that I might be cheating on him. He has a very big hot temper, but I can’t say he likes physically beating me. He loses his temper when we are in public, like at a mall or in a store, he can be tempered by a small thing then he will start shouting out, calling me names and walks away then I’m left embarrased and washed with shame. Well when we get home he apologizes and tells me I’m the queen of his heart and warns me not to trigger his temper again and that he had the right to lose it.

    Above all I’m not at all perfect but I’ve always tried to live in harmony with him, which he never understands; I asked him to go for counseling together with me but he never showed interest. I realize I have to put God first in my life for I can hear Him calling me to him. I don’t have peace, it’s his apartment and he plays his music loud, which is full of swear words and degrades woman and anybody against it; it’s hip hop music. Now I want to follow Christ, no longer do I want to lose this chance of being a faithful disciple. I love Jesus Christ now as my first love. What do I do now? My spirit is telling me to leave this unholy union and focus on Christ. What about my baby? Well, also I don’t even want to imagine my child having to be raised up under an ungodly man and an abusive father, even if it’s just emotional and verbal abuse.

    I told my boyfriend I want to wholly serve God now and he asked me what my plans for us are. In my heart I just want to let go because I know he is an unbeliever, and the Bible warns against such unions. Now he said he is willing to marry me in a church but he never spoke anything about wanting to serve God. I don’t want to be married just for the sake of my baby nor just to avoid breaking his heart. The way I see it my heart is after Jesus and I am not ready to marry him unless God makes a miracle and giveS him total salvation.

    Please Cindy, may you guide me through God’s word for answers to my predicament? I don’t doubt God for anyone’s salvation but at the moment I need to get out of the sin I’m in (living in without being married), but even if he runs to church and gets a ring to marry me, he is still not totaly saved, and I’m not ready. Am I being selfish? Am I taking the right decision before God?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Hi Gail, I’m not sure what you’re holding onto right now that would compel you to stay with this guy. He’s horrible for you –physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you stay with him and/or marry him, you will have a life full of misery and regret. This guy isn’t a good example for your child, living his dysfunctional lifestyle for him or her to see and be a part of. What is the hold-out? Is it because of fear of raising a child alone and possible judgment from others? If it is, you need to get over it. That would be MUCH less of a price to pay and put up with than living in an abusive marriage and be sentenced to a life with an ungodly “partner” because you weren’t brave enough to break free when you had the opportunity.

      This child didn’t make poor choices. He or she deserves a mother who will stand up, accept responsibility for not doing what she should have done, but is brave enough to go with God at this time –before he or she is born. I can’t help but think of something that Dr Charles Swindoll said, “When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications.” Right now your life is extremely complicated. But it appears that God is calling to you to choose HIS choice for you from this day forward. Let go of this guy –let him enjoy his marijuana and his abusive ways without having you dragged into it. He’s an abusive person. You don’t need this and your baby doesn’t need this in your lives. I’m not saying that he can’t see the baby eventually, but he isn’t someone your child should be subjected to continually within your everyday lives. You aren’t married to this guy. So don’t marry him now, even if he did tell you he would do you the favor of marrying you in a church. That’s not the same as loving God with all his heart and loving you and your child as God’s gifts in his life, which you should be. I encourage you to please flee while you have the chance.

      “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

  7. Annie says:

    (CANADA) Hi. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s stories and my heart goes out to those who are pregnant and struggling to make some very tough. Decisions. Been there. Done that. And even though on the outside I have sorted out my life and protected my children, I still have yet to find a relationship with a loving Believer who will marry me. I am afraid to even date a man because I feel I will make the same mistakes again. I have lost all my confidence as a woman but I’ve been there for my children.

    God called me to Him and I was blessed with some pretty amazing intense healing for 5+ years but now I don’t want to be alone any more. And try as I do to be patient, and pray for a companion, a husband. I doubt I will ever get to have that. Ever. Sometimes I think if God had wanted that for me, I would have that person in my life by now. So I conclude that I have made the choice somewhere deep down inside myself that this situation is good for me and that I had best just accept it than to keep fighting it. All I do is hurt myself. How could I bring a “still messed up” spirit into a marriage anyway? I don’t think it is fair to subject someone else to that. Thanks for reading… :)

  8. Rene says:

    (GHANA) I met this british man who has been in my country for about 7 years and own a tour company. We met at a friend’s wedding in early July. He took my number from my friend and called me and since then we established contact and for about a month we communicated on phone since he travelled to UK to visit his parents. He has a son with a ghanian lady after living together for about 13 years in UK and according to him the lady left him for another man when they first moved to ghana and out of fraustration he had to leave the house and settle in a different town to build his career though it hard for him because of his son.

    The mistake I did was to accept his proposal just after a month we establised contact. I thought i was so much in love and I couldn’t control my lust so I kissed him first and that was the beginning of my mess.

    Before he returned to the country he asked me to leave my job (i was a secretary in my uncle’s company) so i could come over and work for him (to manage his new NGO). I struggled with that decision, but eventually i went and started the ngo and i was doing good, then the whole problem started.

    He promised he will have sex with me till we get married and I was excited about it. Later he would put me in a situation, which demanded sex and at a point I gave in though he seemed surprised because he always thought I matured in my Christian walk than he is. The first time it happened I felt so sad and guilty but he didn’t seem to be borded and that left me in a position to doubt his commitment to God. Since then I tried as much as possible not to stay over in house so not to be tempted. But it happened again and I became so unhappy about myself and the relationship. At a point I felt we rushed and we should start all over, but whenever I bring that up he gets so upset and threatens not to marry me again though he had gone to see my family for the initial rite.

    I kept feeling uncomfortable about the relationship so I tried to put a stop to the sex. Then the issue of belief came up. I love to put biblical staff on my facebook page and anytime he complains I refering to him or it’s being a threat to his family if they had to ever befriend me on facebook because they don’t believe. He was as a threat to want to change him, but was not my motive. He had a problem with me wanting to be alone mostly instead of being with him.

    In November we settled on a date for our wedding we were supposed to had started 6 months counseling that same month. He wanted me to move in with him so I could get acquainted with domestic staff since we would be living together in a couple of months, but refused. All this time I was still confused whether he was the right man for me. He loves to go to church, but doesn’t have time for personal devotion and he found problems with every church he mostly had to do with tongue speaking. Eventually he decided to join my church. I thought I was purely cultural differences but it was becoming serious.

    He told me he doesn’t believe everything in the Bible and I had to struggle with that a litle bit in my heart. Whenever I asked for clarification, he got upset and threatens to break up so sometimes I just had to take whatever he said. He told me he will never be a witness of Christ and that didn’t mean he never loved Jesus but he knew just how to serve Him so I should never think he would ever change from who he is.

    Middle of November he asked us to break up because the previous night in the house he was watching a magic programme and he asked my opinion about the programme and I told him I didn’t believe in magic and that scripture frowns on it and he got upset and so he thought we not compatible. At a point I felt God wanted me out but another I thought of what people will say. But the following day at a function he asked me back and I didn’t I accepted him and agreed to start the counselling whilst we started making wedding arrangements. But the sad part of it all is just when I have tried to throw everything away and concentrate on the relationship he told me he didn’t think we were compatible after comparing me to the other girls he’s dated.

    I felt so angry and disappointed and all the guilt I was able to deal with earlier was coming back. I blamed myself so much because I felt I had acted over spiritual that scared him away, but by the strength of God I’m picking myself up though it’s not easy since I still work for him. I can’t stop the job because it’s difficult to find a job in my country lately and I need to survive, though he wished he wouldn’ t see me around and he can’t sack me because of fear of others branding him a wicked person. I have peace though but I can’t stop thinking about him and the little thing he does at the work place hurt me so much. Sometimes I feel like fighting back for his love. I feel so lonely in my world and about the job I don’t what to do now. Any Godly counselling?

  9. Yesenia says:

    (USA) Hi, I am in a situation where at the moment I am lost and confused. I am married. I married at 19 and struggled so much because I married him because my mom would always kick me out of the house. I was fed up and wanted something stable. My husband aside from lying to me about him having kids, didn’t wanted to work. I remained with him because I gave up everything to him and I did not want to go back with my mom.

    He finally got a job thanks to my mom. We moved in to my mother’s other house where we lived for free for months because he wouldn’t pull his part. I was so innocent and everything scared me and I remained with him. After a year of marriage I cheated on him because I was so tired of his laziness and I couldnt tolerate the fact that he denied his kids to me. I was hurt and devastated but I told him the truth about the affair and wanted a divorce. He begged me not to, that he loved me and that he realized all the damage he did to me and he would forgive me.

    I remained and we tried to overcome that incident. He continued to be lazy. I cheated on him again and he found out and beat me up. That was our first separation on Jan 2011. During that time I dated other people but went back to him because I realized how much I love him. After six months we went back but after a month everything went back to normal. I cheated on him again. On March 2012 we separated again and he left to go to Mexico illegally. I was so hurt because he left. I went to see him because I missed him and loved him.

    Then when I came back I met the perfect man. He was responsible and very romantic. When my mother found out I had a new man she kicked me out of the apartment and the new guy and I moved in after only knowing each other for 2 weeks. He tried to provide it all for me but my husband was still in my heart. Plus, I have always struggled with depression and whenever I was feeling bad he would show indifference and I missed my husband so much.

    My new bf and I separated and I moved out on my own. It was very hard. Even though deep down I did want to make things work with him, my husband still occupied that space in my heart. I tried to kill myself because of all the confusion and landed in a hospital. My bf and I still kept dating on and off and were always fighting because to him everything I did was wrong and not normal. He said a lot of mean things to me because I would seek other men for friendship. I know my bf is upset because he says he did fall in love with me. I care for him but I’m still married and love my husband. I seeked my husband in Mexico and told him the truth and he forgave me. I went to see him but I still see that he doesn’t do much for me. I came back and my bf looked for me asking for a chance with the both of us. I’m confused. What shall I do? I know my story is confusing but I want to do the right thing.

  10. Yesenia says:

    (USA) Aside from that, I am not comfortable with my bf because I already had sex with him and feel bad cuz I’m not married to him. I have asked him to not have sex w me but he gets mad and says that he would respect me if he knew I was still a virgin. I get upset and at times I feel that even if I were to stay w him it would be chaos because I am not ready to remarry another man. Therefore I don’t wish to have sex with him. To add more info, I don’t have kids with my husband and we have been together for four years.

  11. Shaun says:

    (USA) My current girlfriend and I were roommates before we started dating. I’m a Christian, though I’ve been living in sin with her for the past three years, and the error of my ways are now open to my eyes. I love her dearly and I want to marry her, but I know that we are unequally yolked. She believes in God and Jesus Christ, but to what extent is still unknown to me. We pray together, but have never really had a conversation about our faith/my faith.

    I feel like I am a fraud and a liar to my Lord Jesus Christ by proclaiming to be a Christian and then committing adultery. However, and this may seem completely backwards, I feel like she has become more spiritual or more interested in God because of our relationship (not of my doing -the glory is God’s). I am broken before the Lord… does anyone have anything to say regarding my situation?

    • Jenny says:

      (USA) Shaun, my suggestion is what I just told Alice (below): talk soon with your pastor. If you don’t have a pastor, find a Christian counselor. He may want you to come in with your girlfriend, and then he could direct the conversation around to ask her where she stands with Christ. He can also help you sort through whether you two should marry. It may be that if the Lord leads you to marry, you will need to have a time of separateness to work on yourselves and to also serve as a time of repentance.

  12. Alice says:

    (NIGERIA) I met this guy in my sch made love to him, aborted 7 times for him and still not married. I want to quit but I still love him. I am just confused.

    • Jenny says:

      (USA) Alice, I would encourage you to speak soon to your pastor. You may also find good help in I John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This verse also indicates that we must turn away from our sin.

  13. mariam says:

    (NIGERIA) I really love this page,all stories are captiating and i have learnt,but still wish to learn more.

  14. Payal says:

    (INDIA) For the last 8 months I’ve been living with my boyfriend. He is divorced. I am uncomfortable with my bf because I already had sex with him and feel bad cuz I’m not married to him. I have asked him to not have sex with me but he gets mad and says that he would respect me if he knew I was still a virgin.

    I get upset and at times. I feel that even if I were to stay with him it would be chaotic because I am ready to marry him and he is also but there are many problems with his ex wife. She is every time fight with him and sometimes her family hits my boyfriend. I feel this is all happening because of me. Now I’m stuck here. We love each other. Most every day the ex wife comes over and fights with us. I feel very bad now. What should I do? Is there any way to keep happy with my boyfriend?

    • Rein from Philippines says:

      My boyfriend has already 3 year old son. The mother of his son wants him back. But my boyfriend doesn’t loves her anymore. He said it’s about the attitude of the girl. And now, we are 2 yrs together and I’m 13 weeks pregnant. She told me and my family he wants to marry me and the expenses will be half by him and half from my family. But when the time we will process our requirements he has many reasons why our requirements for marriage are not complete, till now.

      He agreed to my family that our marriage ceremony will be in church. But now he has many reasons, he doesn’t like the church because of Catholic beliefs, not enough budget for the church; he thinks a church wedding is only for introduction #. His family would not come coz of misunderstanding of his family between me. I don’t know what’s going on. He has many too reasons.

      Please help me. I don’t know what to do. If he loves me and wants to marry me why he is doing all of this to me? And now he finally decided not to marry me. He blames me because I’m pregnant. He wants to live with me but not be married. I don’t why he is doing all of this even though we’re having a long relationship.

Marriage Missions International