When you find yourself connecting with another person who starts becoming in even the smallest way a substitute for your marital partner, you’ve started traveling a dangerous road. That’s when avoiding emotional adultery is important, because that is the turn that is starting to take place. So, how do you protect yourself —and your marriage?
Here are some helpful principles:
1. Know your boundaries.
You should put fences around your heart and protect the sacred ground that is reserved only for your spouse. Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs, and difficulties only with each other and not with friends of the opposite sex.
2. Realize the power of the eyes.
They are the “windows of your soul.” Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of those windows. It’s true that good eye contact is necessary for fruitful communication, but there is a deep type of look that must be reserved for only one person: your mate.
Frankly, I don’t trust myself. Some women may think I’m insecure because I don’t hold eye contact too long, but that’s not it at all. I simply don’t trust my humanity. I’ve seen what has happened to others, and I know it could happen to me.
3. Beware of isolation and concealment.
One strategy of the enemy is to isolate you from your spouse, by tempting you to keep secrets from your mate. Barbara and I both realize the danger of concealment in our marriage. We work hard at bringing things out into the open and discussing them. Our closets are empty.
4. Extinguish any chemical reactions that may have begun.
A friendship with the opposite sex that is beginning to meet needs your mate should be meeting must be ended quickly. A simple rule of chemistry is this: To stop a chemical reaction, remove one of the elements. It may be painful or embarrassing at first, but it isn’t as painful as suffering the results of temptation that has given birth to sin.
Ruth Senter wrote an article for Partnership Magazine entitled simply, “Rick.” It was an incredibly honest examination of a godly wife’s encounter and ensuing friendship with a Christian man she met in a graduate class. Her struggle and godly response to this temptation were graphically etched in a letter that ended that relationship. She wrote,
“Friendship is always going somewhere unless it’s dead. You and I both know where ours is going. When a relationship threatens the stability of commitments we’ve made to the people we value the most, it can no longer be.”
5. Ask God to remind you how important it is to fear Him.
The fear of God has turned me from many a temptation. it would be one thing if another person learned I had compromised my vows, but it’s quite another thing to realize that God’s throne would have a knowledge of my disloyalty to Barbara faster than the speed of light.
It has been said that a “secret sin on earth is open scandal in heaven.” My Heavenly Father and my earthly father are there right now. Thinking of hurting them keeps me pure.
This article came from the book, Staying Close: Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage
— ALSO in AVOIDING PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL ADULTERY —
To read a related article on this subject, please click onto the link provided below to read:
• 8 SAFEGUARDS AGAINST GETTING TOO CLOSE
To read another related article, please click onto the Crosswalk.com link below:
To better deal with emotional adultery issues, it’s important to answer the question, “Is another relationship betraying your spouse?” How can you recognize danger signs and what do you do to better guard your marriage? These are questions that Gary and Mona Shriver address in the Todayschristianwoman.com article:
• THE STORY OF AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
(KENYA) Emotional Adultery is something that one may not notice at the beginning until it has gone way far. Sometimes it may appear like just some innocent closeness. Married friends, pray for your day that God will care for you. Satan comes like a good thing.
(USA) I believe that there is such a thing as "emotional adultery" because my husband did that to me. He carried on a phone affair with my first cousin for a month and a half. It hurt me so much because he would talk at times for over a half hour to her and when I would call him, he’d say after three minutes that he would have to get back to work.
After I found out (from his cell phone bill) about the affair, he blamed me and said he did nothing wrong because he didn’t have sex with her! It hurt me just as much as it would have if he did actually have sex with her. And to make matters worse, I was already pregnant and we planned the baby. He called her from our bedroom while I was in the living room watching t.v.! For all you out there who think that there isn’t such a thing –wait until it happens to you!
(PHIL) Yes, it happened to me, too. My husband and his friend had been sending sweet messages. I told him that said messages were improper considering that he is married. He said they are nothing. Until one time that I discovered “other” messages they sent to each other expressing feelings for each other. And this girl-friend who knows that he is married even sent him a “story” that she made regarding a married man’s story who fell in love with a girl and how they made love, etc. She asked my husband to suggest a title for it. For all I know, it was their story.
(USA) Hi, I just saw a pastor preach on this subject and was very happy I could come hear and read about it. I will say I have had this kind of thing happen to me many times over my life and did not even know what it was tell now.
I have been saved for 26 years and have just in the past 5 years experienced leaders in church settings crossing the line on this subject with me or maybe it is just me thinking it is going in the direction for I have a real hard time getting attention from other men other then my husband of 16 years … I feel that sometimes leaders in churches get an ego rush when women need help in emotional areas… not until now did I know what was going on or what to call it … so thank you so much for having more info for me to read.
(NIGERIA) Thank you for bringing up this subject. One thing I have noticed is that very few people are aware that there is such a thing as emotional infidelity. More emphasis is always placed on the physical act.
I believe the difficult part is actually confronting your partner with the issue, especially if he is not aware that such a thing as emotional infidelity exists.
(NIGERIA) I just experienced this in my relationship. My wedding is in six months and I just found out she was getting emotionally attached to somebody at work. I would call and get a tired response and then she would pick her phone up after my call and used up her credit calling him. The truth is that only God can help in this kind of situation. We are working at healing the relationship now…
I’m not understanding why you would go ahead with plans to marry this person, if she can be unfaithful to you even before marriage??
(UAE) So many people still refuse to accept the concept. It happened to me. I agree it feels just as bad as if your husband had slept with the other person. Why is it easier for men to open up to other women and not their own wife and then say it’s in your head, nothing happened we didn’t sleep together, like that is suppose to make it better?
(USA) I myself just went through the same thing this weekend with my husband. I let him read these articles from you ladies and I’m glad I found them. It does feel just like they are sleeping with them, it breaks your trust in them. I just hope he realizes what he did and face it. He agrees with what Leah’s husband said but I agree with Leah totally. All you can do is pray and hope for the best.
(PAKISTAN) I am married since 2002 and a father of two daughters, age 7 and 3. MY marriage was a love one, as I liked her for six years prior to marriage and remained emotionally attached to her and cut off from any other girl even in my bachelor state.
Ironically, after marriage we’ve lived together for only brief duration (1 year max at a stretch) because of my job (military). But living with her, made me see many flaws in her which have ruined my feelings for her. She is very careless about her own feminity, very casual about household duties, very lazy about grooming her daughters, and aloof towards me and my wishes about house, kids etc.
Despite every one telling her to mend her ways, she has found an excuse about my internet routine (which is 1 % chat related). I cannot remain aloof/ i.e. emotionally attached to her any longer, since she has not pushed to mend her ways. I’m continuing marriage only for kids. Advise me on what to do in such scenario.
Summary: If she is not pushed about kids + house + my needs then why should I not indulge in emotional adultery, remaining in bounds? Why am I to remain purturbed all the time about her, when she is living her own desire (aloofness, mood based, attendance to responsibilty esp with daughters)?
(ENGLAND) Hi Faisal, I hope I can give you some useful advice a year after you wrote… Why should you not commit emotional adultery? She may be behaving wrongly, but an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind right? You should behave correctly yourself no matter whether she is an angel or the laziest person in the world… The bible teaches us that we must never put out wives/children in front of heaven and god. I hope I am coming across clearly.
You obviously have a difficult wife, and perhaps this is your destiny and opportunity. You have a chance to grow yourself as a person… Why don’t you try counseling? I also wonder if you are willing to change some of the things your wife asks of you? If you are, she may herself be more willing…
I hope this helps… Just remember, second marriages are much much less likely to last than the first.
(USA) This is such good advice. I am so glad to find a popular site like this willing to talk about these very important topics. Thank you all and keep up the great work!
(KENYA) The article is good but it only applies where there is a mutual responsibility by both partners to try and understand and meet each others need. For six years I was faithfull to my spouse in all aspects. I was very open to him about my unmet needs yet he placed and still places no effort in meeting them.
And then it just happened. I did not go out looking for it, it found me because deep inside me there was a need that was not being met. My spouse found out about it through written accounts of my encounter in my diary. He confronted me, I admitted it. I made a deliberate effort to change hoping and praying that he would make the same steps to sort out the mess.
I am not advocating that it is right. I have walked in those shoes and I know the internal struggle of trying to live right.
(PHIL) Hi, Maren. That is the same excuse used by my husband to justify his “emotional infidelity”.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you for everyone’s comments. No one who was or is involved in an emotional affair, that’s married, replies what they themselves are going through. I would like to know -HOW do you stop such an affair –even if it has gone too far already in your heart and mind?
These things happen to Born again Christians as well! If you continue speaking to person via bbm etc -it’s such an adrenaline rush. You can’t help to stop yourself! Even though you could lose EVERYTHING! It’s the toughest thing to STOP! It’s in your head and mind the whole day! I know a person must stop all contact! BUT its so hard! Depression sets in, that makes that longing for that person EVEN more desperate! Yo tend to ignore your spouse, kids, church etc! It is a very difficult thing!
(USA) I have been married for 5 years and found out recently that 3 days after we were married my husband began to call his exgirlfriend. Our relationship has been very difficult and I have also found out that this behavior has continued the length of our marriage, on and off. He has confided in her about our marital problems. The betrayal hurts just as much as if he had a physical relationship with her. If he loved me why would he be calling her so soon after marriage and continue to foster that relationship?
He says he never cheated on me, saying he never had an affair. It is an affair of the heart, a heart that he said belonged to me. In response to what person who is doing this is going through, I cannot answer. But to me it is sin; a violation of the marriage covenant. God’s word says if one looks at a woman with lust he has already commited adultery with her in his heart. I think this goes for both a woman or a man. Nothing is more sacred than your marriage commitment to husband or wife. Don’t let the enemy trick you into thinking you are doing nothing wrong.
(USA) I am so glad I found this site. My marriage is suffering from my husband’s emotional affairs. I’m constantly praying that God will remove all impurities from my marriage and God will be the center of our marriage. I do cry because I am constantly asking my husband to open up to me but he confides in other females. I’m just going to keep praying.
(US) Married 30 years to a man who does not care for me except that I serve him like his car. He changes the oil, but he does not love it. He recently had his emotional affair, and said he was evaluating whether to leave me or not. He in the end concluded not. I imagine that if the other woman had been a better deal the end result could have been different. It hurt, but he didn’t love me already. So it just hurt more, but that pain was already there.
I have tried all things, marriage classes, books, change, prayer, and he’s still so selfish. He finds a way to blame me. Always something new, because I give what he says, then a new reason comes up for why he does not really love me. Lately there is no reason at all. I am worn out, the children are grown, and don’t like me, because Dad is so fun loving and I did all the disciplining. He is so selfish he just wanted to be liked. So I was the heavy because someone had to be, or the children would have no sense of right and wrong.
Now I am waiting for the end of time as the song says. Divorce is wrong. So til death do us part. And so death is what I want now. It has been a looong sad life and I am not looking forward to the rest. God loves me -I know, so I look forward to heaven. But it is not coming soon enough. And I am healthy. If I get a life, he will leave me for sure. Then I will be poor to top it off, so I can’t get a life. I have to stay around to at least say I love him. He might still leave me, but it won’t be because I don’t love him. Is there any sense in sharing this?
(NIGERIA) Until now, I never know there was a name for it: emotional adultery! As I write, I am neck deep in it with an Ex 0f 20 years ago. It was just the mercy of God that kept us apart or the physical act would have been commited itself.
There is no justifications good enough for what I have done and to seek help I have spoken to a Minister in my church who has counselled me. I know she will uphold me in prayers till I am reconciled back to the Lord. Not only that she will be on the look out for me too.
The major lesson learnt is that you cannot resist the devil by your might. Adultery in any form is the last thing I thought I could be involved in but I have just been proved wrong. Trust only in the Lord to keep and guide you from all temptations!
Second lesson is that nothing, absolute nothing and no one is good enough for us to lose heaven. Keep up the good work.