Can’t Have An Orgasm?

spouse bed trouble sex orgasm AdobeStock_93399361Are you finding it difficult to achieve an orgasm? If you are, you’re not the only spouse that can’t have one. It’s amazing how many women can’t have an orgasm! But what can you do about it?

We don’t know specifically what will work for you, because we aren’t “experts” in this matter. But one of the things we try to do in this ministry is to find those who know more than we do. So, we’ve found a quote and then several articles addressing this issue, which you may find helpful, as you read them. We encourage you to pray, read, and then glean the information, which could work for you.

Can’t Have An Orgasm?

Here’s something that Sex Therapists Cliff and Joyce Penner have said about orgasm, that might clear up some confusion:

“The myth that simultaneous orgasm is the epitome of sexual fulfillment is based on a number of false assumptions. First, it assumes that two people get aroused and then respond at the same pace. That is highly unlikely. Second, it assumes that goal-oriented sex is more fulfilling than pleasure-oriented sex. On the contrary, goal-oriented sex can interfere with fulfillment by introducing demand, anxiety, and often a feeling of failure, all of which hinder the body’s natural response mechanism.”

Concerning this issue, psychologist and sex therapist, Shay Roop, writes (in a Today’s Christian Woman article titled, “Anti-Climax”) about F.O.D. (Female Orgasmic Disorder). It’s reported that “79 percent” of women could suffer, at some point, with this disorder. Shay also writes that it is possible to overcome these “blockages.” In this article, Shay makes the point:

“Many women don’t realize that orgasm is an inborn capacity. It is God-designed. Just as orgasm is natural for men, it’s also natural for women. It’s an instinctive, God-given response he wants married women to experience. Yet ‘blockages’ can occur that hinder a woman’s sexual experience with her husband. Orgasm involves the mind and the body, so ‘blockages’ can be physical or psychological.”

Different Kinds of “Blockages”

I never knew that experiencing an orgasm is not an “inborn capability.” I thought it had to do with the method of what was being done sexually. I thought it was more difficult for some women to orgasm, but not impossible.

In this article, Shay Roop explains that some of these blockages can be because of “perimenopause or low testosterone.” There are specific treatments, which can help with this. Another one is:

“Pain. This is one of the most common complaints about sex reported to gynecologists. Pain can be caused by a vaginal or urethral infection, estrogen depletion, muscle spasms at the opening of the vagina, the formation of a supersensitive bundle of nerves after an episiotomy, or by the penis ‘bumping’ the cervix or uterus.”

Again, the ways of overcoming, getting through those blockages, are varied (which hopefully, your doctor should be able to help you with).

Vaginismus

There are “other physical problems” that are caused by taking certain medications that are not “orgasm-friendly”. There are many different physical problems that a doctor can address. There’s even a condition termed as Vaginismus. What is vaginismus? Below is the definition, according to the web site found at vaginismus.com:

“Vaginismus is vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse.”

If you’re experiencing pain when you have intercourse, I encourage you to check out the web site mentioned above and also read the article linked to below. It has A LOT of info on this issue:

PAINFUL INTERCOURSE

There are also, many different types of “psychological blockages” that can cause problems, with of course, depression and sometimes even guilt, for some reason, being two of them.

You can read more about this issue, by Googling Shay Roop’s article, “Anti-Climax.” (It’s posted in its entirety on the Internet. It isn’t if I try to link to the article. They put a hidden block into links to this article). I recommend you make the effort to read it.

The Bible says, “By wise guidance you will wage war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory(Proverbs 24:6). It also says, “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel(Proverbs 1:5). This advice applies to women, as well.

Additional Links to Articles

Below you will find linked article to read, which can help you to gain “wise guidance” and to “increase in learning” about this matter. We believe you will benefit greatly from reading them.

WHY CAN’T I ACHIEVE ORGASM THROUGH INTERCOURSE?

ORGASM FAQs PART ONE: Why Can’t I Have an Orgasm?

ORGASM FAQs PART TWO: Clitoral Contact is Key

— IN ADDITION —

HOW TO HELP MY WIFE HAVE AN ORGASM FOR THE FIRST TIME

7 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX

— ALSO —

There is a link below to an article, written by Paul Byerly, which addresses husbands concerning this issue. Yes, wives can read it as well, to see if you agree or not.

Did you know that sometimes wives may be more open to having sex if they feel “free not to climax some of the time?”

Huh? Now this doesn’t give husbands an excuse to be lazy, or selfish, where he doesn’t give his wife an orgasm when she wants one. But sometimes she just might not want to have one and yet she’s open to playing around and being intimate with her husband, all the same.

That may not make sense to most men. For an explanation, please read The-generous-husband.com linked provided below:

OKAY, BUT ONLY IF I CAN SKIP THE BIG “O”

And finally, you will find links to additional articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire, based on her book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. We encourage you to glean through them and see if they can help you in any way:

29 DAYS TO GREAT SEX: How to Have an Orgasm

• HOW CAN I BECOME MORE ORGASMIC?

Beyond all of the advice given, please realize:

“The big O is not orgasm. The big O is oneness. It’s not how great the bodies or how great the orgasm, it’s …was that a loving experience where we shared with each other? Was it contributing to our oneness?” —Christopher McCluskey

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

13 responses to “Can’t Have An Orgasm?

  1. (USA) I am a newlywed and have come to the point of tears tonight. I have been faking orgasms because of my premarital sexual past. I thought I was unable to orgasm when not taking care of it myself. After watching a Marriage counseling video with my husband I shared with him that I still cannot orgasm without doing it myself. We have a very open relationship and I have shared this with him before.

    I am humiliated and wanting so badly to share this special moment with him. I have such a high sexual drive and the fact that I cant get “there”, I have come to the point where I neglect my needs and desires to get the O, that I only focus on making sure my husband feels good. I came across this article and am praying for the forgiveness of my husband. I so badly want to fulfill the wonderful sexual intimacy God has created for marriage. :(

  2. (USA) You are so not alone. I believe it is difficult for most women and so almost effortless for the man I have to believe part of the curse from the siin in the Garden but since a woman does not need to get there to produce a child that tells me there is something made by God purely for our pleasure….if you can get there.

    Hollywood has given a really bad portrayal of it. It’s a lot of work. Sitting at Thanksgiving dinner once, I said “wow. Sex really is like cooking Thanksgiving dinner. All that work and Poof! It’s over” and my husband said “yes but it’s really good and it only happens once a year” We all died laughing, my old dad nearly fell off his seat.

    I’m heading into menopause so there are many changes. We went to a specialty store and those ladies in there are very knowledgable and from a clinical viewpoint about what to suggest. It worked and at this stage of my life, I don’t mind, just don’t want to have to go back in there :). God bless you, I hope you can work this out because you are right, God wants you both to enjoy it. Many women think it’s just a myth. The G-spot if far more elusive but it’s no myth either!

  3. (USA) I suffered with this for a long time as well. I felt sorry for him cause he tried so hard & it got me no where. We’ve been married for 7 years, and thank goodness I have an understanding husband who cares about my needs before his own. He knows he’s going to get there, so is very patient and helpful & has fun getting me there. We use specialty items as well. I just order them online.

  4. (USA) In my baby making years, I could be on the bottom and rotate against him. Once in a while with me on top, I would achieve the other. Don’t know how or why.

    Trying not to feel embarrassed but I made up my mind when my kids asked me I would tell them in the clinical way. Baby girl, 10 asked me what was the O the other day. I made it through! The others are older and know and they all know outside of marriage it is dirty and sin but in marriage, there is nothing else like it. I hope they all hang on to that. After seeing the damage their dad did, I believe they will.

    After 3 kids, different parts sustained damage during delivery and I think that’s what changed because my last unaided external one was trying to get pregnant with our last in 2001.

    Here comes the mid-life crisis at 22 years of marriage and the ones seeking money, fake it quickly. Guys do not often know any better and think “my wife takes forever, yeah this is how it should go” and they feel so manly. My husband was 21 when we met and had no idea what was real and what was not. I taught him well but apparently that was not for everyone as he failed and she confirms by her ugly nickname for him-GOOD! Definitely spared him incurable STD’s.

    Open the lines with your spouse. You can have so much fun. I’m very comfortable in my own skin and that really appeals to any guy but the devil was out to destroy God’s most perfect union –Marriage. Beware of the devil and those out for whatever they are after and love each other as best friends and each other’s only partners.

  5. (UNITED STATES) First, some reassurance: It’s a common misconception that younger women find sex easier than older women. Many younger women have difficulty early on learning how to have an orgasm. So the first thing to know is that your efforts do not mean that something is wrong with you.

    I’m a physician who has treated over 3,000 women for hormonal problems and sexual dysfunction and I’ve found that the research is correct: at least 4 out of 10 women are seriously bothered by at least one of the four female-sexual problems (and these problems are more common in younger women): 1) difficulty with arousal, 2) decreased libido, 3) pain with intercourse, 4) difficulty with orgasm.

    Now for how to make things better:

    Though this may seem like an odd idea to some (and not a big deal to others), many women have told me that they first learned to have an orgasm by using a vibrator around the clitoris. Once you get there a few times, it really does become easier with practice. No need for a monster vibrator, or to even use for penetration, just a simple vibrator to use around the clitoris.

    People have widely varying ideas about vibrators. Believe it or not, in Alabama, it’s still against the law (and they enforce this law) to sell a vibrator for sexual purposes! So, many are upset by the idea. But, vibrators can be a wonderful tool to help you find the other side of that edge into orgasm.

    For a discrete way to order, Amazon.com has a nice selection. [NOTE: If you go through the Amazon window on the Home Page of this web site, they give Marriage Missions a portion of their profits… you get the same discounts and other privileges and help marriages at the same time. –at no extra cost to you –that is true of anything you order through that window.] Also, if even that seems embarrassing, then buy one of those razors that have the vibrating handles (take the blade off and use the round end of the handle)–then when you’re in the tub, no one needs to know. Not that masturbating is something to be ashamed of… it’s just I realize it’s not something you want everyone in the house to know you’re doing… like say practicing piano or reading a book. It’s just not their business.

    Important: Alcohol increases arousal but for most women makes the ability to orgasm more difficult. So, I’d recommend no alcohol.

    Also (and this is a big one), birth control pills work by decreasing LH and FSH (so you don’t ovulate), but the side effect is a decrease in testosterone –which can lead to weight gain, depression, headaches, and decreased ability to orgasm.

    If a woman is over 25, then she should have blood testing done for sure. If testosterone levels are low, it’s very difficult for most women to experience an orgasm.

    Also, there’s a procedure using blood-derived growth factors to stimulate multipotent stem cells to rejuvenate the tissue of the vagina –leading to increased ability to orgasm (and helping with stress incontinence). It’s called the O-Shot (R). You can find more about the procedure and research about sexual dysfunction at http://OShot.info

    The big thing to remember is that sex really is an art that becomes better as you learn more about your body and your own psychology. So, relax, keep educating yourself by listening to your own body and by reading all you can about sexuality and health. Hope this helps. Peace & health, Charles Runels, MD

    1. (CANADA) Jackpot! Don’t I have a million questions for you! :-) But I’ll start with my main burning quesiton: I think it’s common knowledge that hormonal fluctuations in women cause fluctuations in libido… well, I personally notice this in myself. And then, there’s all these studies about the passion wearing off after a few years and also about women losing interest after menopause. My question is, can a woman CREATE feelings of arousal (otherwise known as increase her libido) VOLUNTARILY even once the actual production of hormones decreases, either on a monthly basis, or, after menopause?

  6. Dare I tread such ground; I, but a mere man? I would like to interject that so much of marital sex as is covered in topics like this leave the husband on one side and the wife on the other. By herself the woman is to discover her orgasmic self and if she’s lucky she may manage to do so clitorly but she is apt to join the masses who cannot achieve such vaginally. Shoot “Cosmo” says so “It must be!” A woman finding her orgasm while a man sits in the dark mystified sounds more like the enemy than it does the design of Christ to me.

    This to all men and women who dare to fail and, in love, the courage to be discovered. Men need to play the sole role of unleashing thebig O in their wifes. We must early invest in anticipation on behalf of our “busy minded mates.” Lead them to a place of relaxation; guide their minds to put aside all distractions (the enemy of orgasm) and not gained in a night. Allow our wives to give themselves over to us, to truly trust us, to open themselves to us while we, raring to go, demonstrate patience. For such a gift is worth the wait. Medical cases aside, show me a woman who “can’t orgasm” I’ll show you a man who with false bravado, accepts her fault and takes the easy road… again!

    1. Wow, well said. I am glad to have a husband who is also vested in our love life and doesn’t merely go, go, go. This is something meant to be shared with two, not one. Make it fun, experiment with positions that make both of you comfortable, massage each other, caress each other, admire one another, and treat each other like newlywed virgins. You must explore one another to find what the other likes, dislikes. This creates oneness, and allows for true intimacy between spouses. Last, but not least, pray together, and even thank the Lord during, for your lover, your best friend. Keep the fire going daily…leave notes, buy flowers, make each other dinner. Act like lovers, not roommates. :)

  7. Ever since I had our 3rd baby, which was a surprise, I’ve been afraid of getting pregnant again. And even though we use condoms, we do double protection where he also pulls out. Me and my husband have been married 7 years and the past year since baby was born, I can never get an orgasm. What should we do? It’s so fraustrating. Makes me not want to have sex again.

    1. Keep track of your cycle and there will be days where you can go about freely with nothing on. Those can be your extra special days. Afterwards bathe together, standing up and cleaning excess will help as well.

      Source: off the pill for 5 1/2 years, and sometimes condoms and sometimes don’t. All is well medically, but just not ready for baby #3. :)

    2. Ok, this one is 1.5 years old, but sweetie, don’t want more children? One of you 2 GET FIXED…or use a more permanent birth control method that does not require ‘protection’. That will free you up to be more expressive.