How do you cope when your spou
se is unemployed? What is a spouse supposed to do—actually, both spouses?
As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage
)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners. It’s especially difficult when the challenges are overwhelming and are coming at you from all sides. This type of situation works over-time on your mind and how you interact as husband and wife.
Christina Woodside, knows what it’s like to be a wife whose husband loses a job.
She writes,
“I heard the garage door opening. It was only 5 o’clock. Don certainly was home early. Lately he had been working long days, much too long. ‘I sure hope they appreciate his hard work,’ I often thought. ‘He deserves to come home early one day. I’m so glad he’s finally doing it.’
“But as I glanced up from the sink full of dishes, one look at his face told me something was wrong. My smile faded and before I could say anything, he painfully murmured, ‘I got a pink slip today, along with 150 other people.’ The company had been hiding its financial problems until now. We were stunned. For a man, especially one in his early fifties with two kids in college, news like this can be devastating.”
She then goes on to write some tips for “Supporting Your Spouse Emotionally and Spiritually.” To learn more, click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:
• WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LOSES HIS JOB
Laurie Jackson voiced her journey with her husband’s unemployment this way.
She wrote:
“When my husband, Dennis, first began job hunting, I’d hold my breath as I waited for him to appear at the door, eager for a glimpse of his face to tell me if his day had been a success. But now, 15 months after he became a statistic —one of 300 laid off by his employer of six years —I can tell how his day’s gone simply by the way his feet hit the steps leading from the garage into the house. Today his footsteps are heavy, as though he’s carrying the weight of the world.
“All these months I’ve watched Dennis stuff hundreds of resumés into the mailbox and pound away at the computer keyboard, courageously sending hundreds more electronically. I’ve waved good-bye to him as he drives off early in the morning to face another day of approaching unapproachable receptionists at companies that ‘are not hiring.’ And I’ve greeted his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes upon his return after another unproductive afternoon.
Lowered Expectations
“I’ve seen Dennis lower his expectations, then lower them further. An electronics technician with a sterling work record and more than 20 years’ experience in his field, he first sought a comparable job. After a few months, Dennis expanded his search to include entry-level positions in his field, expecting that would do the trick. His wink and nod assured me we’d find a way to get by for a while on the lower salary. But after several weeks went by with no interviews, much less job offers, he began to respond to every job posting for which he was qualified —and, more often than not, overqualified.
“He then began to be turned away for jobs on a whole different level: gas station attendant, custodian, grocery clerk, and school crossing guard, to name a few. And while I was proud of his willingness to do whatever job it took to put food on the table, it was at that point I became afraid.
“My fear stemmed from all the unknowns: What if Dennis doesn’t find work soon? How long can we go without his income? What will happen to us when the unemployment insurance expires, or our savings runs dry? In the beginning, I was Dennis’ biggest cheerleader. But the more time goes by, the more discouraged, despondent, and bewildered Dennis becomes. And the more tired I get.”
To learn more, please read of Laurie Jackson’s journey concerning (plus the additional article, “A Woman’s Work” written by Holly Vicente Robaina). And then there’s another couple who survives job loss, which was written about in an article by Sherri Langton.
Concerning being unemployed and laid off, please read:
• LAID OFF
— ALSO —
Maybe you’ve even gotten to the place, as Laurie Jackson did. You’re so tired and each day drags onto the next, with no end in sight. Fear, anger, and a whole range of emotions have overtaken any optimism you could ever have.
Sarah Canney found herself in that place and writes the following:
“When my husband lost his job and his self-esteem, I had to learn a lesson in grace and patience.”
You can read about it in this linked article below:
Lori Fletcher, in the Familylifetoday.com article linked to below, discusses “Seven ways a wife can show her support.” As you, or your wife may know, this isn’t easy. Yet you want to do all you can so you don’t cause more problems. She writes:
“As the wife of a man who no longer has somewhere to go everyday, where do you start in showing your support?
To learn more about being unemployed, read:
• COPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB LOSS
Roberta Rand Caponey, gives her advice when:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse” to the test.”
You can learn from her experience in the Focus on the Family article linked below:
• COPING WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
Unfortunately, the testimonies and the advice within the linked articles above, come from the standpoint of the husband losing the job. The wife is the spouse who is trying to cope. Unfortunately, in doing my research on the Internet, these are the only types of articles I’ve been able to find. So I’ve given the information I can, accordingly.
I hope if you are the husband reading this article, trying to cope with your wife losing her job, you’ve been able to flip around the pronouns. Glean through the insights given. In your search for information, if what you find isn’t a custom-fit, ask the Holy Spirit to personalize and show HIS insights. Glean through what you are able to find.
You may even feel a tug to re-read that which is written above from that perspective. If so, allow the Holy Spirit to be your interpreter and your “Wonderful Counselor.”
Whatever you do, please be intentional in working on your marriage relationship, at least on your part. You may not be able to control what your spouse does or does, but do what the Lord would have you do. Love, as Christ loves you.
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” –Barbara Johnson
Some things that Paul Tripp wrote in his book, What Did You Expect? may give you different insights than you had thought of previously.
He wrote:
“God is in control not only of the locations in which you live, but also of the influences that have shaped you as a person. He has not only written the story of you and your spouse and determined that your stories would intersect, but he has controlled all the things that have made you different from one another.
“As you struggle, you must not view your marriage as bad luck, or poor planning, or as a mess that you made for yourself. God is right smack-dab in the middle of your struggle. He is not surprised by what you are facing today. He is up to something. [The question is, will you participate with Him in this, or fight against Him?]
“…God is working to rescue you from you, to deliver you from sin, and to form the character of Jesus in you. Marriage, the world’s most long-term and comprehensive relationship, is taking place in the middle of sanctification, the world’s most important unfinished process. Why would God do this? Hasn’t he gotten the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse? Well, the reason this doesn’t seem to make sense to us is that our purpose for marriage tends to be different from the Lord’s. We’re just not on God’s agenda page.
“Our desire is that our marriages would be the location of our comfort, ease, and enjoyment; we often have desires no bigger than this. But God’s purpose is that each of our marriages would be a tool for something that is way more miraculous and glorious than our tiny, little, self-focused definition of happiness. He has designed marriage to be one of his most effective and efficient tools of personal holiness. God has designed your marriage to change you.”
Paul Tripp also wrote:
“There are moments in our marriages when we’re crying out for grace, not recognizing that we’re getting it. We’re not getting the grace of relief or release, because that isn’t the grace we really need. No, what we’re getting is something we desperately need, the uncomfortable grace of personal growth and change. With the love of a Father, your Lord is prying open your hands so you’ll let go of that which rules your heart but will never satisfy you.
With the insight of a seasoned teacher, He is driving you to question your own wisdom so that you will let go of your understanding and rest in His. And with the skill of the world’s best counselor, God is showing you the delusions of your control so that you will take comfort in His rule. With the gentleness of a faithful friend He is facing you toward the inadequacies of your own righteousness so that you find hope in Him.
“When you are tired and uncomfortable because you have been called to live with someone who is not like you, what you tell yourself about what you are going through is very important. It is in this moment that you must preach to yourself the theology of uncomfortable grace (See Romans 5; James 1; and 1 Peter 1), because when you do, you begin to be less resistant and more appreciative, and you are on your way to forging a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.”
Susan, from the U.S., gave the following advice on the Marriage Missions web site on this subject a while back, that I’d like to close this article with because I believe it’s helpful for us all to keep in mind no matter what the trial has assaulted our marriage.
She shared:
“My husband has been unemployed for almost two years. I confess that I have been more like a shrewish hag than a shrine of encouragement. In seeing this ugliness in me I’ve been able to go to the Lord and become transformed. There is a renewing of my mind, which is really what walking with Christ is all about.
“What it is doing for my husband is between Him and the Lord. I’m learning to keep taking it to Him over and over again until I’m transformed into His image. I sure make a lot of trips to Him through all this, and through it all He provides all we need.
“So, my female friends —lose the mommy act with your man. Take your woes to Christ —He has what you need. And don’t feel bad about bugging the Lord —He doesn’t mind a bit and you can’t hurt His feelings. You’ll walk away a new creature. Kumbaya, friends, Kumbaya.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Assorted Marriage Issues
(USA) The situation that I am dealing with at the moment and for the last few years is mentioned in the article above. "It’s especially difficult for those of you who have a spouse who refuses to get a job when their income is critically needed to make ends meet financially".
He used to work for a big food manufacturer here in town for a few years but that plant closed and moved away a few years ago (in 2004) and since then everything started going down the hill. Every job he finds he compares to that, which is impossible. He has no professional training or experience in anything in particular but he refuses to go to work for $9 or $10 per hour. He had a few jobs in the last few years and the longest that he stayed at was 3 months. After that it would take us several months to find a new one.
It is not that my husband refuses to find a job, he does not look for it at all. I am looking for jobs online and applying for him. When employers respond, he’d talk to them and go to interviews. It is especially hard for me to do this for him because I work two jobs. I have a full time 8-5 job and right after that I go to another job where I stay till at least 9:30 pm. I usually come home not before 10 o’clock at night. I got this part time job not too long ago because I was not able to meet ends.
Everything else is on me, chores, bills, shopping, etc. He does not move from the couch and the computer (looking at stuff on e-bay or playing games). There are so many things around the house that he could do but he does not care about any of it, and it seems that he does not care about me either. He would call me at night when I am on my way home to stop and get him something to eat or cigarettes. If I said something against it, he would be offended and start arguing with me.
Another thing which is his “wild card” and he plays it a lot, is that he has history of seizures. He takes high dosages of seizure medicine. If I refuse to do something for him, like get him cigarettes for example, he would refuse to take medicine. Then I have to adjust my behavior because I do not want him to get into a car, get a seizure and kill someone on the street. He really behaves like a little child.
He also has a basement full of stuff (old radios, music equipment, books, etc) that he used to collect, but that just stays there and collects dust. He mentions sometimes that he could sell it, but that is just talk to shut me up for a little while.
I just wish that he would be more responsible. I am afraid that I will not me able to take it much longer. I am only 30 years old. We’ve been married for 8. Like I said above, I’ve been dealing with this situation for quite some time now. I am getting really exhausted. I don’t know how to proceed. I do not want to get divorced because that I do not feel that I am solving problem with that. That is giving up.
I would like to hear from other people that are in the same position as me and I would like to see how they are dealing with the situation.
(USA) Nicole, your situation almost mirrors my own. My spouse lost his job in January ’09. He has been sitting on the sofa, watching Animal Planet (apparently Big Cat Diary is his personal favorite) or NCIS since his job loss. I am ready to pull my hair, and his, out. Like your husband, he doesn’t seem to be the least bit motivated to find employment. He has unemployment, but after deducting his car payment he is actually only contributing about $550 to our monthly income. He spends every penny of that on beer and cigarettes.
I am working, paying for the groceries, the rent, and all other bills. My savings has been depleted. He doesn’t contribute a penny to any of that and then complains if I haven’t cooked dinner in a day or two. (I have cut back on cooking, hoping that he will get tired of not having hot meals and look for a job!)
We have no social life, which would be a nice outlet for our frustration, because there is no money for that. To be honest, this was a problem before he lost his job. He has never contributed as he should. He is a moocher and I am over it.
I know I haven’t been a bit of help to you, but I do want you to know that this problem will not change. Remember this; people who WANT to work, FIND work. You should seriously consider leaving.
(USA) I know these comments were posted a long time ago, but I am in an almost identical situation to these two women. My husband has been voluntarily unemployed for over 3 years now. He has had sporadic jobs, but always gets fired or quits when he gets into some kind of conflict with bosses or co-workers, usually because they are not “respecting” him enough. I have an advanced degree but can’t find a well paying job, but I do work to support our family.
My husband plays all day and doesn’t even do much housework. Usually, dinner is not cooked when I come home and I have to do it all and care for the kids, too (they are both in school so he doesn’t have them to watch during the day either). I am getting extremely frustrated and am considering leaving, but he is very emotionally abusive to me and would make my life and our kids’ lives hell if I tried to divorce him. It’s very frustrating and I feel at the end of my rope. I wish to God I’d never married this man and caution anyone dating or engaged to a person who is frequently unemployed, switches jobs a lot or gets fired a lot, to seriously reconsider marrying the person or live in a hell like I do.
(CANADA) I am married 17 years to a man with extreme behaviour. He has been unemployed 10 years out of 17. He has had sporadic jobs with great salaries. He was unemployed 2 years after we got married because he refused to get an ordinary job. Then he was again unemployed from year 2000 till 2008. The next job gave him an amazing salary where we managed to overcome our debts and put a down payment upon 2 rental properties. I was sure we had overcome all the miseries.
In Mid 2009 he lost this job and he is unable to find one. He has never compromised with his expenses. He has an expense of $1500 a month, with a BMW lease, iphone expense, his courses etc.
I am a Financial planner and I am compensated by commissions. I make pretty good money but not enough to pay all our high bills (multiple mortgages, property taxes, our personal home expenses, kids sports and his expenses). I have very little expense for myself.
I work 8-10 hours, cook and take care of our kids homework. He has a lot of pride and ego. Very recently he has begun helping around the house.
(AUSTRALIA) I am in the same situation, and the worst part with me is that I am not working as well because I need to take care of my 3 yr old daughter. He couldn’t even take proper care of her. We are in debt and borrowed money from almost all my friends. We have a big loan amount overdue at the bank. I am in love with one of my friends. But I really don’t want bad for my husband. But it’s really impossible for me to live with him as well. He threatens me, that if I leave him he’ll commit suicide.
But I would suggest not to live with your partner. My husband is unemployed for 5 years. If you will help yourself, God will help you.
(NEW ZEALAND) Hi there. Yes, I am in the same kind of boat as you all. There is a movie called Fireproof and a book I suggest you read and do the 40-day challenge before thinking about leaving. God doesn’t want us to divorce; He can make it right! Do this 40-day challenge. It’s called the “Love Dare” and let me know how you go.
(USA) I can relate to your situation. My husband, age 33, has never had a full-time job. He has a permanent disability and only graduated with a BA in ’09 (this is 4 years ago now). His only work experience was part-time with my father until my dad’s business went under, and now my husband has nothing. I work long hours at my job to provide for our family. We have been married for almost 6 years and have an infant daughter.
We can barely make ends meet, and my parents give us money regularly just to pay the bills and have food on the table. I can’t take a second job because my job includes a lot of unpaid overtime work that I can’t escape, or I’d risk losing my job entirely. I wish that I’d picked a different profession! My job is too stressful to continue, and it continues to get worse, but I don’t know that I can find the opportunity to switch careers. Plus I desperately want to be at stay-at-home mom, but that dream is disappearing fast.
My husband spends a lot of time on the computer with sports scores and news headlines. He worries constantly about his health and freaks out over every little problem. He makes excuses and refuses to apply anywhere. Then he tells me he wants to go further in school.
I love my husband. I know he never intended this to be our situation, but now I’m scared that he will never find work and I will be forced to keep with my job another 18 years before I can retire — if there is even anything out there for retirement after 30 years of service!
Praying for you and everyone else with this difficult situation. I don’t have any answers, but I know that unemployment for men can be pretty devastating and can lead to depression. Perhaps our husbands are depressed. I wish I could get mine into counseling, but we have no money for it and I don’t have the time to take him, so it looks like things will not improve for us in the near future. But it does comfort me to know that I’m not alone with this problem.
(USA) I’m turning 29 in the next few weeks and I’ve been married for about 8 months. My husband is 24, much younger, and it shows. We both worked part time. He changed to part time from full.
It has been rough because he likes to spend on everything but bills, and both he and his family lived paycheck to paycheck with no assets to their name. The house we had was rented from my parents. Three major appliances and a riding lawnmower were purchased by me with no offer of financial help from my husband. At the time I had a decent savings built up. Now he is unemployed for the past 2 months by choice (he was waiting on a indefinite job that fell through two weeks after he quit his job) and he’s not actively looking for a job. He’s waiting on a family member on his side to get him a higher paying one than he originally had.
This has let to a lot of stress and tension because his reason was because he had no car or DL. There was no way he could job hunt… we had the Internet. He didn’t want to apply, nor did he ever ask or offer to plan a day to look. He stayed at home, played video games, and watched TV the entire time.
I had to find a way to pay almost a thousand in bills because he insisted he would have a job before the end of the month and there was no need to cut back. My savings is all but evaporated at this point. That’s when I insisted we leave our home and stay with our respected parents for a little while.
I’ve cut the bills down some but I am still paying 100%. His passiveness in getting a job, drawing unemployment, or some other financial relief has me wondering if he just wanted someone to take care of him while he loafs. It certainly puts love and patience to the test and while he’s living it up at his parents house (and to this day he’s put in one single application for work since the second week of Dec 08. He’s left all the stress and responsibility on me and has made me depressed, stressed, miserable and disgusted at his behavior.
This is my first marriage. I can’t help but wonder how much we love each other and if he is worth staying with.
(USA) My husband has been unemployed for 1 1/2 years. I never thought it would last this long. He did some consulting work and got some unemployment that we are paying for now with our taxes. If he doesn’t get a job soon, we may lose our house. He tries to find a job every day. We are good people. If anyone knows of a company in the tri-state area that needs a HR professional with 20 years experience, please let me know.
(USA) Debbie, I just read your note, and was wondering if your husband has been successful in finding employment. Unfortunately, I have nothing to offer, but we are experiencing a similar situation ourselves. In June of ’08, I was let go of my full time job at a private school after 7 years of employment there. Fortunately, I was able to get part time work. In April of this year, my husband lost his job of 20 years in the Financial District of lower Manhattan. Last week he got his very first interview (phone), but just today got a rejection email from the company. He is very depressed, this was huge blow to him. He is searching all avenues, but nothing has come about.
I am extremely concerned about our future. The holidays are basically here, and it upsets me. The thought of losing our home is really unthinkable to me. I never thought we would be in this position. As like you, we are good people, who live in a very modest house, and do not drive fancy cars, or take elaborate vacations, rarely go out for dinner, and I can’t remember that last movie we saw out. I just wanted to share my situation with someone in a similar position, and wanted to know how they’re coping.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 14 years. 8 1/2 years ago we decided that my husband would quit his job and be a stay home Dad to our new born son. We agreed at that time once our son went to school, my husband would return to work, at least on a part time basis. That never happened.
Initially, this was not such an issue as I was making good money and on the fast track to continue to move up with the company in which I was working. Then in 2005, I was laid off due to corporate restructuring. I was devastated!
I immediately began looking for work, but soon found out that there were not many jobs with an income that I was making before and I was getting worried. I asked my husband to get a job so at least we could make ends meet if I needed to take a job at a lesser salary.
I eventually found a job within a few months, but it was 1/2 of what I was making before. Again, I asked my husband to get a job. He never even looked. I became very frustrated with him and tried everything. I was mean to him, joked with him, tried to make lite of things. I cut every bill I could to bring down our monthly expenses. He still never even looked for a job.
We wiped out our savings, racked up $30,000 in credit card debt, stopped saving for retirement and we still struggle to make ends meet.
In 2008, I found a higher paying job that has helped us out quite a bit, but now I am still barely making ends meet due to the debt we have incurred and the ever increasing prices of everything. Again, I have tried to ask him to do something to bring some extra money into the house. Still nothing.
The really sad part is that he is a good father & husband. He does all of the laundry, dishes, cooking and some of the cleaning. He does not sit around playing games or eating bonbons. He maintains the yard and any repairs to the house.
Sometimes I wish that I could walk away and leave him, but I still love him and I also do not want to create disruption to our son. I really am at a loss as to what to do!
(DUBAI) It may be hard financially but at least for you it’s better. It could have been worse if you came home from work and still had to cook, clean and do the laundry. In your case I think you should look at it this way, what if you were the stay at home mum? You’d still be a good wife, mum, and take care of the home as be brings home the bread. Then there wouldn’t have been any complaints. Try to reverse the roles.
I commend you though, for the step you took and adjusted. Keep praying. God will sure answer your prayers. Don’t ever forget to thank him for the blessings, it could have been worse. What if you were not able to get jobs, i.e. half paying or quarter paying at all? What if your husband just bummed and didn’t care for the boy, or for the house or yard? You would have more complaints.
I know it’s hard coz society has it that the man provides for us, but since you’re in that situation, try look at it in a different way. Just help your family as best as you can, and maybe you can talk to him and find out why he doesn’t want to look for a job. Maybe in his eyes, you guys are managing well and he doesn’t feel he needs to work, so his input is by continuing to take care of the home/kids ie reversed roles… Talk it out calmly. Otherwise, you are doing a great job and maybe you just want the roles to go back to basics i.e. he brings the bacon and you sit home?
(BOTSWANA) Just want you to know that you are not alone my friend. I’m also experiencing something similar but due to different circumstances. It seems to me with men the longer they stay out of work the more they lose their confidence to do the work. I think it’s a case of fear of failure and rejection if they go for an interview and fail to get the job. They need counselling.
Thank God that he is there for you for the things that really matter most in life. Money matters but it’s not everything. Pray and ask God to give him a job and that you may be at peace in whatever circumstances you find yourselves in. May God bless you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I do agree with you in that regard. My husband is also now without work for 8 months and he has gone to many interviews and is becoming more hesitant to go. It feels to me as if he has given up on believing that God will give him a job. We don’t always know God’s timing in things, but I do belief He teaches us something when he lets us wait. Men have a very difficult time with the loss of a job. Women, I think, deal with it much better. I think it takes us longer to lose the faith. Men only try for a while and then if no results are seen they just give up and then hate the world.
(US) Just keep the faith, the Lord is not slack concerning his promises. The Lord will see you through; just stay faithful.
(USA) Yeah right.
(USA) My husband has been without a job on and off throughout our marriage. He has currently been without his last job for one year. When we returned from our honeymoon, (16 years ago) we found out he had been fired. Since then, we’ve had two children and he has worked at a total of four jobs. He is a good person, but very stubborn. He does not like to take direction from his superiors and is very strong willed. He will not play the "politically correct" game.
I have worked part time throughout this time, while also maintaining the house and raising the children. He is 50 and a good person, great father and means well, but I am at a loss. I am so depressed and angry. I don’t know how to get through to him. Divorce is too expensive and not an option. I need to find a way to cope as our money runs out and my stress level elevates.
(UNITED STATES) We moved to a new state last year to escape the rising real estate market and bad weather to find a house to raise our son. It was my husband’s idea to move out of state. As soon as we decided, I started looking for a job in the new state; he didn’t. He wanted to find something that was Mon-Fri 9-5. He’d worked 11 years in the television industry -nights and weekends. We were newly married and he wanted to be home with me and our son.
Once we moved and I started working (I’d gotten the job before we moved). It took him 3 months to find a job. After 4 months working, he complained every day that it wasn’t what he wanted. He would call me yelling about how much he hated the job and his boss. He’d call me at work and say he was walking out. We were paying a mortgage on our old home and rent in the new state.
We finally sold our home after he was working for 5 months. We found a house, broke our apt lease and bought a home. He quit his job the next month. He SAID, that if he couldn’t find anything soon, he’d go back to his old job. That was 6 1/2 months ago. He keeps complaining that he needs to finish his degree. He’s been saying that since I met him 6 years ago, but he never looks into grants or loans or online courses. He hadn’t put in any resumes or applications until last month. He is bent on being a teacher and is going to try substituting this fall (which will be what one or two days a week, if we are lucky?).
I got him an interview where I work for part time, 3 days a week 8-4pm. He told the interviewer that he “didn’t expect to be here long.” SO, of course he did not get hired. He still has not looked into getting his degree. He has found a one day a week job, as a newspaper deliverer for about $75/week. Today is the first day. He called me complaining that the person in charge has changed the time he had to start from 6pm to 3pm. BIG DEAL! WHAT WERE YOU DOING??? He complains about every opportunity he gets, which are usually things I find for him.
I am losing respect for him and am worried about our finances. My paycheck covers the bills, but not food, his HOBBIES, gas or anything else. He needs to work, says he wants to and that he feels bad about not “contributing”. He takes care of our son after school and has during the summer, and cleans the house and makes dinner, but he is not putting out an effort to find a job.
It seems like he thinks someone will come knocking on the door to offer him something. It’s making me so angry. I don’t yell at him or say something I feel because then he gets angry and starts screaming …I know he’s mad at himself… but he isn’t doing anything to change his life. HELP!!
(UNITED STATES) Jill, We have similar situations. I’ve been working for almost three years at a job… lets just say I’m not too fond of and my fiance (who I live with) has the luxury of constantly quitting jobs that he doesn’t like. I try to be a supportive partner and tell him to go after what he wants, which is to be a film director. But, he still fails to realize that you have to work for it. Since he quit his last job a few months ago he spends most of his time watching movies. He claims this is research. When I find jobs that could possibly be a stepping stone to what he wants to do he gets angry and criticizes me.
We have been living together for two years and unfortunately this has started to be a pattern, which makes me question our up-and-coming marriage. I know it may sound selfish but I have dreams of my own and how long am I supposed to put them on hold while he goes after his?
(U.S.) Hannah, I understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for a total of 10 years, married for almost 6. His job as a construction worker is seasonal, which means he works from February or March through November or December and then files for unemployment. While he is working life is quite good; as soon as he is laid off it all goes to pot. It’s as if a part of his brain stops working… he starts to forget to file (weekly), when he does file he doesn’t check to make sure the filing is processed without problems, he doesn’t pay attention to the online notices that tell you your claim is running out (consequently, at least several weeks pass before the issue is straightened out, which means we are several weeks without an unemployment check). Get the picture?
And helping around the house? He never helped out much to begin with, but once unemployment begins he does absolutely nothing. I handle ALL of our business as a married couple. During the winter I end up handling his unemployment too.
My point is this: I saw these behaviors – and a few more – for the few years prior to our marriage. While some people and things do change, some do not. This has not. No matter how much you love your fiance, be prepared to marry him as he is NOW, as if he will never change. If you can’t live with him as he is, you may want to reconsider your upcoming nuptials.
(USA) Hannah, Think clearly and with your mind, not the heart. How would you like being married with children to a man like this? Why is it ok for you to suck it up and work at a job you don’t like and he just can’t? Most people would have figured out by now that this whole “dream” was not all it was cracked up to be. They would have gotten a regular job and worked their “dream” on the side.
(USA) Do not get married if you have major issues already. I heard a study that said that even though women were unhappy they ended up marrying. That includes me.
(US) Wow, I am not alone. I really feel alone sometimes since I take care of everything in our household. I work full time and take care of my 2 girls. My husband does not look for work; he just watches TV all day (boring) and does nothing to help around the house. My husband thinks a job is going to knock on his door. My husband lost a couple of jobs due to his attitude and lost a job as he was in a middle of a job.
I can no longer take it. I worry to much about him and him working or getting a job, I am ready to start my life and to just start worrying about me and my girls. Thank God my girls are 14 and 17. It has been a rough road for them with their father too.
I am thinking about finally getting my own place with my girls since my husband is really useless. I need to start living again.
To all my friends, it’s time to live everyday like it is the last day on earth. Be Happy everybody – all you wives and mothers deserve it!
(USA) I’ve been unemployed for 3 months and have been applying to jobs and would go back to school if I could afford to. Meanwhile I have cut back a lot on expenses, done numerous garage sales, no hair cuts, dry my clothes on the line outside, have grown a vegetable garden, keep the house clean, have nice balanced meals before everyone comes home and everyday do something to improve my skills or work on self improvement. Once in a while I take a quick nap in the daytime because I don’t sleep well in the nights and also due to bad headaches because I have high blood pressure.
But, despite all this my husband gets upset with me when I take a nap. He’ll make sure I wake up by banging the pots & pans, turning on the TV loud or just simply saying in a loud voice “is your mom sleeping again?” It upsets me so much and I’ve told him that before.
I feel helpless that I’m not able to find a job to put in my share for the bills. I’ve sold my nice car -now driving a beat up car but it doesn’t bother me much. I’ve been working ever since I’ve been married and it’s been 25 years…this is the first time in my life I’ve been without a job and also not bringing any income in to help with the household. I was self employed in my last job so am not able to get unemployment. My husband wants me do jobs which require heavy lifting and I’m not able to lift more than 25 lbs since I have a fusion in my neck. He tells me I’m lazy and not putting an effort in finding a job. What to do?
Creditors are calling and I’m having a hard time paying the mortgage but I manage to be polite to the creditors and look at all the things I’m grateful for. But, despite all this my husband’s foul mood changes the whole atmosphere… I am so depressed now… how should I react to my husband’s “put down”?
(USA) Why don’t you tell him to do the heavy lifting instead of banging pots and pans all day? (That sounds like he is just being spiteful when he knows you have an injury.) I don’t know, maybe I am old school, but I still don’t consider it to be such a crime when the woman doesn’t work. I know that with the way the world is, two salaries can be a necessity. But I still feel that the man should try his best to be the provider.
(USA) I’m sad to say I’m not alone in my frustration with this. My husband and I have been married for just over two years. He’s been working most of that time, however, has refused to help me pay bills. He spent money on everything else but bills, and wouldn’t save money for emergencies.
I have been supporting us by myself, which was bad enough before I went into premature labor with our twin sons at six months. I was hospitalized and they were delivered early Due to the fact that one of the babies required a c-section, I was unable to work for an extended period of time. I had the forethought to have disability and savings, but it was used quickly while I was off work. I’m going back to work soon, but the stress of having to take care of a grown man who is capable of contributing financially but refuses to is tearing me apart. I just had two children, and I didn’t get married to have a third.
I’ve gotten to the point of desperation and have asked him to move out (not just because of money – we have other serious problems as well) and I just feel like God is so far away from me right now. I don’t know how to pray for someone who doesn’t care enough about me and our sons to man up and provide for us! What kind of person has money (he’s getting enough unemployment to help take care of the home) and stands by and watches his wife struggle? How can he justify his lack of concern? He blames me for being “petty”, but doesn’t see how his behavior and choices have led to this breakdown in our relationship.
I don’t want to have to get a divorce, but he seems more angry about being asked to get out than he is that our marriage has fallen apart. I’m so upset and depressed every time I see him I want to hit him or cry – or both! I’m trying to make sure our children are provided for, but I just don’t know how to be positive right now.
(CANADA) You are not alone. I am in the same situation. Five months pregnant with an unemployed husband who does nothing but watch tv and chat on facebook all day. I have asked him to leave and he refuses….so what do I do now?
(ZAMBIA) My husband has not been working for 3 years going to 4 now ever since the closed down the company he used to work for. He has been applying elsewhere but no luck. We have 2 children and the older one is in grade 1 and we can barely afford her school fees. I used to have my own business but not anymore. Things are very difficult for us right now. We have so many unpaid bills. We feed from hand to mouth. It’s like GOD has forsaken us. If anyone out there can help with jobs for us both, we’ll be grateful.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m 27 years old, married with 3 kids & expecting a fourth. My husband insists that he wants to be “self-employed”, yet he hasn’t had a steady income for the past year. He doesn’t want to get a permanent job because he feels he won’t earn the same salary he earned at his last job. Right now, I don’t think he’s making any effort to find a job so that he can support us & none of his family advises him to do so either.
Our bond is in arrears, water & lights bill too, people/attorneys have been sending notifications & threatening to take legal action. Soon I’ll be going on maternity leave & then my pay will be even less. I really feel like throwing in the towel & just calling it quits. I know when I love I’m supposed to love unconditionally, that I’m supposed to build, encourage, and edify my husband — that I should even submit to him. But all that is easier said than done.
I’m really confused, hurt & angry. How can I continue living like this, furthermore what example is he (and are we) setting for our children? Divorce would be my last option, since I grew up with my own parents being divorced & know what that’s like. But what’s the use in having both parents around when all they do is argue because of financial stress? If anyone has any words of wisdom for me, it would be much appreciated.
(USA) I’m in a difficult situation. I am the person unemployed and I feel very worthless most of the time. My wife and I have been married for 6 years. During our 1st year, I decided to (with my wife’s advice) quit my job and go back to school full-time. During this time I worked a little, but I began to feel the pressure of not making money. When I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Education I began looking for work.
During this time, a friend of mine suggested I apply for a position in Law Enforcement, the same as him. He told me all I needed was a bachelor’s degree. Growing up I had always dreamed of getting into law enforcement but when I got to college I found out they test for color blindness, and I am slightly colorblind. I didn’t pursue this avenue because I thought it was a waste of time. Anyway, my friend talked me into applying stating the worst that can happen is I wouldn’t make it so I applied.
In the meantime, I began a career in teaching. This past year I was laid off again, and I realized I really didn’t enjoy this position. I’ve applied everywhere, and can’t find a job. However, a few weeks ago (after 3 years) I got a call about the Federal Law Enforcement position. Unfortunately it will take me out of state for a few years away from my wife and 2 small children. It was a very hard decision for me, but I decided that it would be worth it in a few years when I can transfer home. Plus, we have a very close family to help her here. It’s something I really want, and it also pays well, and I can make it home a couple weekends a month.
The issue I’m having is my wife hasn’t said much about it, and today she spoke her mind. She’s very upset that I’d be leaving her and the kids. I tried to explain that I don’t really know what I am going to do for a job if I don’t take this. Also, she always makes me feel bad about not making money (even when I was, but not as much as her). I feel that any choice I make is a bad one. I dread having to be away from my family. All I think about is how and when, I can get home. But then I remember that, when I do get home we will be financially secure, and my wife could even take time off if she wanted. Can anyone share some advice?
(U.S.) My spouse has been unemployed for nearly 2 months. He does seem to be trying to find work, but it is slow going. My main problem is this: he was fired from his last employer for making what they considered a sexually harassing comment. One of his female employees (he was in managment) was texting him sexually inappropriate jokes on his personal cell phone, as well as calling in sick all hours of the early morning. He told me this and I was very disturbed; I told him that I thought this was inappropriate behavior for an employee/boss relationship.
So he told the female employee not to contact him on his personal phone any longer because his wife (me) didn’t think it was okay. When she asked why, he told her “Because you are a young and attractive female”. At least he had the guts to tell me this after he was fired, but I am absolutely sickened by his comments. I find it cowardly and disrespectful for me to use me as his excuse in this way. We have been married for nearly 14 years, and it has been a difficult road the entire time. He is a decent father, so I feel badly about leaving. Any advice?
(U.S.) Kimberly, I’m sorry about your husband’s job and especially over the circumstances behind it. It’s tough enough to have a spouse lose a job, but when it comes because of “what they considered a sexually harassing comment” — that makes it all the tougher — especially on you.
I don’t know all of the circumstances behind this firing or how he treats other women — whether he’s a flirt in some way and puts you in uncomfortable situations or not. If he DOES do that, then you have a marriage problem that needs to be seriously addressed. Your husband needs to learn and put up boundaries to protect your marriage, your feelings, and protect himself from doing that which is wrong. Again, I don’t know the history here.
We have quite a few articles on this web site in the “Extra Marital Affairs” section as well as several Marriage Messages on the subject of putting up protective boundaries that might help you to figure out what you may need to respectfully demand of your husband in the future (before you would consider leaving him). You can put the word “hedges” into the search feature of this web site to read quite a few of the articles we have posted on this subject.
But as far your being offended by his using you as an excuse, if it were me, I’d let my husband use any excuse he could think of — me included, to get out of inappropriate circumstances, such as you described. There’s no doubt that it would definitely be braver and more gallant if he stood on his own two feet and said, “it’s not appropriate because I’m married and my time away from work is reserved for my wife and family” but sometimes guys (and gals) don’t always think of such things when they’re put on the spot. They grab for a lame excuse instead. (Too bad they don’t have script writers to help them in these circumstances.)
You may consider giving him grace on the lameness of what he said if it’s possible. Sometimes we can grab an offense that is better off being left alone. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re doing here or not, but pray about it. I’ve had to do this at times in our marriage, knowing there are times when I need grace as well (and knowing I can sometimes “miss the forest for the trees” in how I can grab an offense too easily and run with it when it would be better if I dropped it and concentrated on other things instead). Again, pray about it… you and the Lord have more information on this than I do.
I hope in thinking twice (and your telling him you wish he would not use you this way) that your husband would do things differently if he could hit a re-wind on the excuse he gave. And I hope there isn’t more to the story that he’s not telling you. I’m wondering why she would think her manager would be open to receiving such “jokes” and phone calls. But then again, there are a lot of brazen people out in the work world now-a-days.
As far as leaving him — you say your marriage has gone down a “difficult road the entire time”, does that have to do with his flirting and such? If it does, then some actions need to be put into place to stop this in the future –to shore up your relationship and your marriage and make the road less “difficult” in the future. I’m not sure that leaving is the step to take — especially with children to be considered here. I’d try to do many other things than that if I could.
It’s difficult for me to give you advice… we aren’t marriage counselors, we’re marriage educators. I encourage you to talk to someone who could give you some feed back (that is marriage friendly) and experienced in this type of thing. You really need a two way conversation going back and forth to explain more of what has gone on, both now and in the past in your marriage, so you can be better directed as far as what you can do at this point.
I encourage you to go into the “Marriage Counseling” section of this web site and go into the “Links” we provide in that section. The ministry of Focus on the Family has counselors on staff during business hours that might be able to point you in a good direction. And their advice is free (even though it isn’t a long term counseling situation) — with your husband being unemployed, this might be a good first step. It’s a step I hope you will consider.