It is easy to live in harmony together when your husband is treating you well. But what if you are living with an unlovable husband? What if he’s not acting towards you in ways that you believe he should? How do you treat your husband when he is moody, unloving towards you and is difficult to live with? What do you do then?
Living With an Unlovable Husband
Here’s what Jesus says regarding difficult relationships:
“Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person. …If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
“Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never —I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults —unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back —given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” (Luke 6:27-38, The Message)
Walking in the Spirit Even with an Unlovable Husband?
One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord?
God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you.
Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you.
Don’t be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another’s treatment of you. Jesus didn’t do that. He continued to live His life with honor, dignity, love, and mercy through the most difficult times. Don’t be judgmental or unfriendly. Don’t allow yourself to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive. Ask Jesus to help develop these attitudes in you when you face challenging times.
Be a Blessing
Your job is to bless (1 Peter 3:9, The Message). Put another way, it reads like this:
Never return evil for evil or insult for insult —scolding, tongue-lashing, berating; but on the contrary blessing—praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God] —obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (1 Peter 3:9, AMP)
Holy, beautiful women never return harsh words, but instead give a blessing back! One way to do this is through prayer. Do you see that the blessed outcome of our unselfish prayer for our husbands’ welfare, happiness, and protection is that we inherit these things as well?
Caught in a Cycle
Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.
This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react. You can choose to act instead in a manner the Bible says is right. Your consistent, sweet, silent response to poor behavior may be the very thing God uses to change your husband. Don’t give in to the urge to let your silence be cold and stony.
When Jesus was oppressed and afflicted, He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 26:63; Matthew 27:12-14, NASB). Mark says that Pilate was amazed at how Jesus stayed silent in the midst of the accusations that were swirling around Him. Only when He was placed under oath and asked whether He was the King of the Jews did He humbly reply, “Yes, it is as you say” (Mark 15:2).
Dealing with Unlovable Husband
If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of “he gets angry; I get angry.” Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.
Suppose you had two dogs. Let’s say one was red and the other blue. What would happen if you fed only the red dog and not the blue one? The red dog would become bigger and stronger while the blue one became weaker. Over time, Red would thrive, while Blue shriveled away.
Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it’s as if you’re feeding the red dog and refusing to feed the blue one. It’s simple to show love: Feed Red, and starve Blue! Each time you do this, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you’re doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.
Begin now to pray that you will have the strength to do this, and begin praying scripturally and fervently for your husband.
How to Pray Scripturally
There is an example of a powerful way to pray contained in the book of Colossians. You might consider praying for your husband in such a way. Pray that he will:
- be filled with the knowledge of God’s will,
- have spiritual wisdom and understanding,
- walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, living a life full of integrity,
- please the Lord in all respects and do those things that bring glory to God,
- bear fruit in every good work,
- increase in the knowledge of God,
- be strengthened with all power according to the Lord’s glorious might,
- attain steadfastness and patience,
- joyously give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. (Colossians 1:9-12)
The above article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. You’ll find that the authors confidently write as “voices of experience.” They say, “Between the two of us, we bought into the modern-day thinking regarding marriage, for nearly 40 years!” You’ll want to read this book to find out what they learned.
Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Do not reproduce this excerpt without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
– ALSO –
To help you further in dealing with an unlovable husband, the following link takes you to various Revive Your Heart recordings that were originally set up in the form of a six-week Bible Study. Each session is approximately 30 minutes long. Here is a description they give of the series. In this six-week Bible study,
“Journey along with Abigail as she uses her influence in two men’s lives—with different results. See how the empowerment of the Holy Spirit can help you deal with difficult people . . . without becoming difficult yourself! With Scripture memory, daily study, and group discussion questions, this resource is ideal for both individual and group study.”
This is your link, as you try to live with an unlovable husband in a Christ-like way, to listen to:
• ABIGAIL: Living with the Difficult People in Your Life
If you have additional tips to help others, or you want to share requests for prayer, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Women
(NIGERIA) I thank God for this site, just came across it while searching for encouragement to loving a man who does not care if I exist or not. We’ve been married for more than four years now yet this cold and uncaring attitude has remained. He doesn’t care about me, my sisters or even my mum, does not give me money for upkeep and blames me over everything. He talks to me rudely even in public and If I get angry in the process, he gets angry. He can never apologise or sees anything wrong in what he does.
My husband is a pastor, who preaches the word of God undiluted, yet finds it difficult to love. He can stay and not talk to me for as long as he wishes, and even when I try to bring up a conversation he will not respond. My husband gets angry at the slightest provocation. Praying together has always been a problem cos he prefers praying alone.
I am at my wits end and considering separation. I have two kids from him and don’t know what to do. I am a born-again child of God. This attitude of his has made it difficult even for me to pray and seek God’s face. I don’t know know where I’ve gone wrong. I need help.
(UNITED STATES) I hear your pain. I too am living the heartbreak. I don’t have any answers for you as I haven’t gotten worked out with my own marriage. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry your going through that and that I said a prayer for you.
What Tonya wrote is what I want to write. Thank you for sharing your pain in this way; I do not feel alone. I truly hope you update us on your situation. It was written 3 years ago.
(NIGERIA) There is absolutely nothing beyond God. You must be prepared to spend more of your time on your knees, praying the qualities you wish your husband to exhibit. The changes cannot materialize through your physical effort. Two words for you: PRAYER AND PATIENCE. Do not neglect the word of God; let it guide your utterances, action and interaction. IT SHALL BE WELL WITH YOU.
(CANADA) I’ve been married for 21 years to a Christian man. We’ve had ups and downs, cool times and warm times. We’ve learned much from each other and have weathered storms (financial, health and emotional troubles). We’re doing pretty good, I think. So here’s the problem. We have 3 teenagers and they are well behaved, clear thinking, good kids. We’re going through the normal things that parents with teenagers go through, homework undone, messy rooms, too much computer time etc. No big life shattering problems.
When they do make poor choices and we have to have a “talk” with them, my husband gets sarcastic and mean spirited. The kids have told me numerous times that they’re afraid of him, that what he say’s really hurts them and makes them feel angry and rebellious. They want to please us but don’t always manage to do the right thing. I’ve mentioned this to my husband but always he takes the defensive and has a sarcastic answer for me as well. I truly want our children to love and honor their Dad. I want him to understand them and be compassionate towards them. I hope when they grow up they won’t hold a bitterness. How can I help them?
(USA) Maybe that’s one of the consequences of their choice to make the wrong decision?
As a father, I think it’s far more important for them to learn how to understand him and what he’s saying and why he’s disappointed in them at that moment, than the other way around. They can choose to look at it as he cares enough to be honest when he’s disappointed, or they can choose to ignore that. I don’t know the circumstances. But it does sound like he cares enough to say something.
Keep in mind, even Jesus used sarcasm when he spoke with the disciples and religious leaders of the day. So sarcasm is not sinful if it was a verbal tool used by Christ himself.
(USA) I want to encourage you in the Lord today. I have found that in my own situation that God was teaching me how to listen and dig for the nuggets of truth within the conversation. It’s difficult to teach your children to listen to the truth in their father’s message when the delivery, for lack of a better word -STINKS. As a Christian mother I feel it is our job to teach our children to honor and love their father, but that does not mean that they must also approve of his behavior.
When my first husband and I divorced, I knew better to speak down to my children about their father. Even though I was no longer his wife, he would always be their Father. He had left us for another women and had moved in with her. My children knew this was wrong, but they had to be taught that they could still love their Father and disagree with the man. I had a choice, ether his failure would divide and destroy or it would motivate our children to love and to do better for themselves.
As youngsters, children keep their parents on a pedestal and often are blind to wrong because they don’t want to face the possibility that the parent is less than they imagine. As disappoints come and the reality that parents are just human and make mistakes or bad decisions; they’re learning to handle their own humanity and are learning how to love themselves despite failure. As a Christian parent, we’re responsible to set an example of unconditional love and how to give unconditional love to others and ourselves. Failure can stop us in our tracts, or love can allow that failure to motivate us to keep moving forward.
Jane, of all of the posts, I relate to yours the most. My husband is a good person. I see him do so many loving things for us, for the kids and for family and friends. My husband however cannot handle his temper. He is very loud and foul mouthed when upset. He says he doens’t mean it as us but its the way he talks. I feel he’s exactly how you say your husband is.
When our boys do something wrong, or don’t do their chores, he’s very mean and sarcastic, to the point where he will start mocking them, making faces at them and laughing. The boys get very sensitive and I can see the anger brewing. If I try to diffuse the situation, he turns on me, and says that I make them the way they are. Once the conflict is over, he will reflect on his reaction and then he will apologize to us, tell us he loves us and that he is going to try to react differently.
He has toned down his anger but it’s still pretty bad. I feel he’s very hard on the boys and he wants me to back him up but I can’t. I believe in approaching the situation with love, with understanding, with compassion and advice. I lose my cool too sometimes, don’t get me wrong, I yell and sometimes a bad word will slip out but I don’t mock them and I don’t laugh at them. Plus I immediately breathe and try to calm down and tell the boys that I want them do better for themselves and that is why I care.
My husband goes from happy to moody in like 2 seconds and then back to happy. I can’t react that quickly, I can’t process things that quickly and need my time. He immediately try to hug me, and expects me to hug him back, he says I love you and expects me to say I love you back. I tell him I’m upset and to pleae give me my space, he doesn’t listen and continues to try to cheer me up and we end up fighting again because I am being a b**tch. A lot of our fights stem from my defending the boys. I agree that they should do chores, do good in school and get consequences if they don’t, but it almost seems like he can’t handle them disobeying him and he loses it. They love their father and he loves them, and I believe we still love each other but the emotional roller coaster is sooo difficult.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells sometimes and find myself hiding problems from him because of his reaction. The boys come to me for everything and don’t want to deal with him. I have very intelligent, handsome and polite sons who are a parents dream academically and emotionally but they are getting to the point where they can’t wait to leave the house. I don’t want that, I want my boys to look forward to coming home and to spend happy times but my husband is making it impossible.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi! I have found this site encouraging as well. I married a man of a different nationality from me. We have been married nearly 23 years. Over many periods he has been cold with me. He is often moody during weekends and I just have to fit in and get on with my thing. I find it difficult to remain at peace during these times. I get sad and frustrated.
Right now I am depressed, partly because of church. I find it hard to cope with people at church who just don’t understand the details of my life -how busy I am with my children, the driving I have to do to take them to school and other activities, supervising homework, cooking, etc. I often feel unsupported. It just seems too much effort to keep on going. What is the answer? I think this is the time to just grit my teeth and put one foot in front of the other…
(NIGERIA) I’ve been married to my husband for one year now and as I am writing, I’m about to give my husband a break to think about what he wants. My husband is abusive to me emotionally. Each time we have a slight misunderstanding, he uses that opportunity tell me words that come from his heart. Because of a woman who came visiting to our house, he told me he is just managing me with words like I should pack my things and leave his house, that he married me out of sympathy, and no other man can marry me, that I should be grateful he married me. He is ashamed to walk with me or go out with me.
If we are walking together on foot, he stays behind. Recently I discovered he’s having an affair with a lady. I asked him about it. Do you know what he asked me? What is it that is in me that will make him to stop chasing women? I tried talking to him in the night but it ended badly, with him telling me to get out of his face. He tells me I have no value and I’m worthless to him, and a lot more. This is a man I waited for, for many years before he came back from abroad. I can go on but let me stop.
I am locked up at home like a prisoner. I have begged him to take me around the country we live in now, but he refused. The worst of it all is that I don’t even know his office. His office was the first place he took the lady that spent 1 month and 2 days in our home who came to see him. Please, does this sound like a man that loves his wife? I do everything for my husband. I carry him like an egg. I’m still praying but I’ve decided to give him a break to think about what he wants. Can you give me guidance please?
Dear Peace, I’m so sorry that your husband is treating like this. No one should treat another person this way –especially a spouse who vowed to love and honor you for life. I cry for you. This is truly sad. I’m afraid there isn’t much “guidance” anyone can really give you in this type of situation except to encourage you to take care of yourself and realize that God loves and values you and so do we. I have to say though, that I would do the same as you and give this “husband a break to think about what he wants.” No one should have to “share” their spouse with anyone else and prove to him whatever he would require to “make him to stop chasing women.” Your heart is not indestructible, and yet he is acting like it is, not only because of the cheating, but the horrible words he is throwing at you. Nothing you could ever do or say would warrant that type of character assassination. I wish he recognized the treasure he has in you –someone who saved herself for him and yet does “everything” for him. Again, no human being should treat another like this –let alone a spouse.
You’ve only been married a year and already he’s cheating on you and treating you like garbage? Even if you’d been married 20 years or more, this is horrible. There’s no excuse. But after only a year to digress into such cheating, demeaning behavior causes me to wonder, why did he bother to marry you (or anyone)? There are some deep-seeded character issues going on here.
IF after some time “to think” he indicates that he is sorry and wants to come back together, and you feel peace in your heart that he is totally changed, please require him to have a test for AIDS before you would ever give yourself to him sexually again. I’m not thinking he would be too choosy on the type of behavior he would permit himself to participate in during this “break.” And the diseases he could expose himself to could put your life into jeopardy. I pray God gives you wisdom, calmness despite turmoil, and peace of heart and mind.
I agree with Cindy, please take care of yourself, Peace. Do you really think he is worth dying for if you were to get AIDS from him? I truly think that you are doing the right thing by God, in your mind and beliefs. Ask God what to do and he will guide you, only God knows you. My heart goes out to you. Your actions are truly unworthy of your husband’s treatment to you. Ask your husband to do his duty and provide for you, his wife. Tell your husband every time he treats you poorly, that he is breaking his oath to God that he promised God he will be your husband.
(UNITED STATES) I believe in loving my enemies and praying for my husband’s mean spirit to be cleansed and seeking how to be a blessing in his life. I understand that he deals with a lot outside our home… that he comes from an abusive childhood.
But I also believe that as a born again Christian it’s my husband’s responsibility to “study his wife”. If I’m regularly feeling picked on and criticized and wounded by my husband… then he needs to take a good hard look at his words, his tone, and his hurtful behavior. (I am his 2nd wife too. And I believe his first wife had the same concern in their marriage. That should give him considerable pause!) The Bible warns us about our tongues… it also reminds us that what comes out of our mouths should encourage and edify.
I am praying for my husband, and treating him with respect, but I am standing up to ugly, mean behavior by simply quoting the Bible…”Love is patient and kind… [and] it is not easily angered (1 Corinthians 13). He says he’s Christian man… he needs to start LIVING as one!
I agree Dianne. We are to treat our husbands in respectful manners, not participating with them in disrespectful behavior. We don’t have to be biblically disobedient and go against what we know we shouldn’t do, just because they do what they shouldn’t. And I also agree that as his wife (his helpmate) you are to somehow try (as best you can) to get him to realize that as a Christian man, he is to do the same for you –especially showing you love. By berating you, he is not showing love (as the Bible points out he is to do, in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 and elsewhere throughout God’s word). SAYING he is a Christian and living it –showing it by the fruit of his words and actions, rather than just make fruitless claims as to who he is, are two different things.
I’ll tell you Dianne, with my husband, when I saw him living in different ways contrary to the Truth, I asked God to show me how to help him. I prayed for him and approached him at times when there wasn’t tension going on and told him I was concerned (which I was) –that I knew that he would miss out on so many blessings if he allowed those parts of his life to keep going on without his dealing with it. Somehow, my softened approach, my telling him that I would do what I could (what was reasonable) to help him gave him the encouragement to work on his issues. It caused me to approach matters like this much differently.
I don’t know if that will work with your husband, but pray about it. He knows your husband better than I do (and you do). Ask for wisdom and keep asking. This is a mountain worth climbing and dismantling, one stone at a time. I pray the Lord gives you insight and that somehow, your husband “gets it” because a mean spirit will eat him up alive and everyone close to him –especially you. It’s a toxic way to live and absolutely contrary to how a man of God should approach life. I pray that you will find ways to protect yourself from his meanness and not take it into your heart and soul. I pray for God’s peace to be upon you and your home.
(USA) Funny how I searched the Internet -How to love the unlovable it comes up with story after story of men being the unlovable, or the husband. Why is that? I get that we are supposed to love them and submit but why is it always the women doing the work putting up with all the crap? It is draining the life out of me year after year, 15 to be exact.
(USA) Perhaps it simply means women are much more judgmental and unforgiving compared to their husbands. Or it means that men are more willing to overlook the offences of someone they love, rather than gossip to others. After all, that is no less a reasonable assumption than it is to suggest that men in general are less lovable than women.
(USA) Tony, In the Bible it says that women should respect their husbands, and men to love their wives. God gave women the gift of nurturing and caring, respect is a man’s way of showing affection. While that (respect) works for other men, some women are left searching for the love and affection they give for themselves.
A lot of what you so easily dismiss as gossip is a way for many to express themselves and release the tension and pain they internalize so as to not be judged for being “too sensitive and emotional”.
While the title of this topic is “Dealing with the Unloving Husband”, none of the ladies that posted here are without love for their spouses, they simply have a need for an intimate relationship (not necessarily physical) with their husbands.
(NIGERIA) Tony, your comment further goes to show why many women are searching desperately for answers on how to deal with their husbands. Women on this platform are encouraging one another to hang in there and not give up on their marriages. We’re also encouraging one another to continue to respect our husbands even when we do not get love in return. Your comments on women being ‘unforgiving’ despite the fact that they are still living with the problems and ‘judgemental’ because they are seeking help further goes to show why more and more women are bitter in their marriages. Comments like these are what hurt women’s feelings. I still do not see what anyone has said here that warrants your comments. Many many men around the world do not realise that women are emotional beings and have a large heart to love.
(UK) I got married in April 2012 and my marriage is already in trouble. My husband is an unbeliever. I own my own house and he moved in with me. I earned more than him and pay for everything as although he works he is in an agreement to pay off his debts. I was recently made redundant but still he looks to me for money even though it may soon become difficult for me to pay my mortgage. On the occasions he gives me money, I generaly end up giving it back to him as he would have nothing to live on. I help him with his university work and even buy groceries for his mother when I can. I cook and do chores.
I have lost all respect for him and I feel as if I’m his HUSBAND and not his wife. Just before Christmas I told him how unhappy I felt at the loss of my Christian life. I was distraught and really sobbing as I’d been holding my sadness inside for a long time. I told him that I was disappointed as I had described my vision for marriage and he at no time said that he disagreed with it. He cried too – I had never seen him cry before. When I asked him why he was crying he said that it was because he will never make me happy.
Last summer he promised that we could go to church every Sunday and we only went 3 times – he couldn’t stand any more. Spiritually I feel like as if I’m dying. If spiritual matters don’t arise, my husband is the nicest, kindest, gentlest person but if I mention God, the Bible or church he becomes a completely different person. He gets very loud and angry or sarcastic and mocking and is extremely rude and insulting. It’s just too weird a transformation.
I believe there is more going on with him than meets the eye. He is totally bound. We have not been speaking properly since last week. I feel as if he was hiding his true self from me before we got married. I would like him to leave as I feel that I cannot relate to him anymore because he is selfish and of no use to me as a husband.
(UNITED STATES) I just had a disagreement with my husband and was looking online for comfort and understanding. I did a search and came up with these postings. I have read all of your stories and want to thank you all for sharing you are not alone. Many women have such problems with their husbands. I will pray for you when I pray for myself.
We’ve been married four years. My husband has many good qualities and he is a good person. But once in a while, it can be every couple of months or every three weeks or something like that, he gets very moody for about a week. And it’s happening again. I can see it happening and I am scared to see how far it will go again. When he gets like that he gets angry for something small that should not anger the average man. Then I get angry at him because he is getting angry at me for something so small. And if I show my anger he just comes at me harder and says really hurtful things that he regretted marrying me and things of that nature, and all with some silly beginning.
It makes me see that something else is going on. He builds up something inside him and then lets it blow up at any random time with no good reason. If I stay quiet he will eventually after a few days calm down. But it is so difficult to stay quiet because I get angry for having to go through this. All I can do is pray and hope his bad mood passes quickly. And so for a few days he will just ignore me and also pass some ugly words around make me feel he hates me. Last time I got really angry and ended up leaving for a few days to a hotel. I was just miserable there and missed him. All I want is for him to love me and to not to take out his angry mood at me.
I love him more than anyone and most of the time he is really lovable and tells me nice things. Just he gets this mood that just sends me to hell. I am already a sensitive person.
I pray for him to stop being so angry and seeing me as the bad person during these times.
(USA) Sonja, I can relate to this as well. I think that society has everyone believing that moodiness is a woman’s problem, and that we are just too sensitive. God has given women incredible strength; we are as strong as we are sensitive to the emotions of those we love. I am a firm believer that God never gives us anything that we cannot handle, and become stronger for it. I will keep both you and your husband in my prayers.
(USA) This article helped me see that I am waiting for my husband to show his love for me as I express my love to him. Am I being unfair to want more from my husband than he wants to give? My husband is not unlovable, but he does not know what it means to truly love someone unconditionally. We have been married for almost 13 years, and as the years go by, he grows more distant and more distrustful. He believes me to be unfaithful to him, and it breaks my heart every time he speaks this.
I have never been unfaithful to him, but he refuses to trust that I can love him without being distracted by others. He does not believe that it is he who is unfaithful with is dis-trustfulness. I try to talk with him about this, but he usually throws all my faults in my face or finds a way to say that I am the reason he is like this. In truth he was like this well before I came along.
I think it is unfair for me to have to always be the one to bend to his insecurities because it leaves me feeling unloved by him. I recently told him to stop saying he loves me because it no longer feels right for him to say them believing as he does. Even through all of this, I love my husband despite of all of this. I am praying for God to help us. I am praying that God place on my heart to be a stronger person than I know myself to be.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I have been married for almost 6yrs. Sadly, we’ve been split up during ALOT of that time! We didn’t date long before we got pregnant with twin boys and married. He struggles with a drinking problem, anger issues, self esteem problems and he isn’t a Christian. He’s abusive…more mentally than anything else. He likes to break things…we don’t have a huge issues of him abusing ME!
We’ve recently gotten back together after being split up for 6mos. I thought I had reached my breaking point and was finally ready for a divorce and when it came down to it…I just couldn’t do it! I’m struggling really hard with wanting to keep my promise to God to love this man for the rest of my life and questioning if this is really how God would want me to live. I’m miserable!
He sucks the joy out of everything. My kids have been raised to walk on eggshells when dad’s home! He will attend church with me (without much force actually) but then mock me after the fact. I’ve let my relationship with God slip because it seems easier to just conform to my husband. I know that’s not the right choice, but I’m not sure how to handle this!! I feel like staying in my marriage is going to make my children resent me later in life. The ONLY reason I’m still making an effort is because I’m trying to keep my promise to God (I feel like my love for my husband is gone) do I stay and tough it out or do I go and start over raising my children in a Christian home???
(BAHAMAS) Hi, I’m in basically the same boat as you. I think the only reason I am still in this relationship is because of my commitment to God and because my husband controls all the finances and I’m afraid I can’t make it on my own. I’ve been married for 18 years and like you me and my children are always walking on eggshells. I have few friends because my husband is antisocial and even my family does not like to hang around because my husband is so moody. He is so controlling he does not even want me to go to church at times or to spend time with my family.
We operate a business together. I work harder than him …yet I get a measly salary. He gets all control of the funds …locks them away from me. Only he is on the accounts and credit cards. It is really difficult to live like this. We have one daughter in college and he refuses to send her $1. I have to work side jobs to pay her rent and other bills. He does send her grocery money however, reluctantly. I have to take money out of the register (without him knowing) to provide lunch and other things for my son who is still in high school. I feel guilty about having to take money without him knowing. I know it’s my money as well as his… but it feels like stealing. He spends whatever he wants and I am living like a pauper. What amazes me the most is how he treats me like trash… verbally assaults me and then expects me to forget all of that and be happy and loving towards him. I think I deserve some happiness.
(PHIL) My ex husband is not living with me anymore. We separated 4 yrs ago, but I still love him. He still gives support to our 2 daughters. They miss their dad so much, as I miss him. I just wish God will help him decide, give him strength to face whatever hurtful things we’ve been through. I’m wishing that we will be given a chance to talk things through, to mutually understand and decide on everything…
(USA) May the Good Lord Bless and strengthen you, and give you peace. I speak as one that knows your pain so well, and I relate to you. Women of GOD, I tell you that you can do all things through Christ that strengthens you, that you are more than conquerers through Christ alone. You are the Righteousness of God in Christ JESUS. You are a child of the most high GOD. You have royal blood flowing through your veins, if you believe That JESUS is your messiah and have crusified your flesh with Him on that cross and now live in His Spirit.
Everyday crucify the old nature and walk in the newness of life. The joy of the Lord is our strength. JESUS is our strong tower, our great defender, our Prince of Peace, our bright and morning star. JESUS is our refuge in times of trouble and pain and hardships. Look up women of GOD, look over the hills from where your redemption draws near. At the end the only thing that will matter is did we forgive, and loved our enemies as Christ taught us. Did we suffer long and were kind? Did we sanctify and consecrate ourselves to our beloveth JESUS? Did we honor and respect our husbands and forgave them?
I’m speaking as a women who has suffered under the most painful forms of abuse, spiritual, mental, verbal, physical, financial. Women, you can endure and overcome. You can look up and know GOD is greater than your suffering. You can know that He has not forsaken you even when all hell seems to have broken loose. Stop trying to figure out your husband, and figure out Christ. Love your enemy, even if it’s your spouse. Choose to please Christ in every moment, when your husband is yelling, screaming, cursing, cold, neglectful. Choose to please your JESUS and fall in love with HIM.
Everyday, I have to crusify my flesh and die to this old person, and let JESUS live big in ME. Angels are watching us, we have a greater testimony who is Christ. Been married 15 years have suffered much, and still am in love with my husband, and this day I choose to believe for HIM and forgive and love him, more for Christ’s sake. I never and don’t condone any kind of abuse, nor do I believe in enabling it. But I know that our suffering in this life produces patience character of Christ in us. Our goal should be, allowing Christ to mold me and shape me through my circumstances. Sisters I have fallen so short many times, of the character of Christ, but I choose to rise this day in faith and say Satan will not defeat me and my family.
What we need to do is begin a chain of prayer and fasting for our husbands and children, and marriages. Our marriages are under attack, the Kingdom of GOD is suffering Violence, but only the violent will take it back by force. Pray and fast with me in agreement for the salvation of our husbands, for them to have a sound mind, and whole Spirit, and Power of Holy Ghost to over come every sin. Pray against any false unbiblical doctrines that hold them captives. False perspectives and understanding they have regarding the word of GOD or marriage and sin. We are dealing with demons operating through our love once. We are not wresling against flesh and blood. This is a Spiritual Battle we are ingaged in our marriages, and we need the whole armor of GOD on to stand against this.
Sisters, I don’t claim I haven’t cried, and suffered and reacted the wrong way ever. But what I’m saying is this is Spiritual and there is power in numbers. If we cant lock arms with our spouses right now for whatever reason, we can lock arms as sisters and pray and fast and plea the Blood of JESUS over our babies and husbands and speak the word of GOD over them. Lets do it together sisters. I hope You will agree and lock spiritual arms and prayers with me for our husbands and children, knowing GOD is not deaf and sees our pain and HE is always faithful. Satan is the enemy of our husbands and marriages and children, not our husbands. When we have done all to stand, Just Stand. We are in a battle and it’s not for cowards, excuse the term. I love you in Christ. Lets avoid talking about the character of our husbands and as daughters of GOD. Lets repent, and cry out to our heavenly Father for mercy upon them and us. Miracles still happen. I choose to believe, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST, His mercy is from everlasting to everlasting. Blessings sisters in the name of our Lord and Savior JESUS.
(USA) Praise the Lord! You are so right. We are obviously all going through a tough marital situation and we first need to vent and cry out to God. It satisfies our flesh to vent out to other women, but it does nothing to help us spiritually. I need to fast and pray continuously.
Lupe says: “I never and don’t condone any kind of abuse, nor do I believe in enabling it. But I know that our suffering in this life produces patience character of Christ in us.”
Lupe, your words are conflicting. I encourage you to please stop telling wives (or any spouse) to stay, pray AND endure abuse. I believe omments like this are unscriptural and can lead many to their death. No spouse should ever feel that any form of abuse will produce a patient Christ-like character. In fact, where in the Bible can this be substantiated? What biblical examples can you share where one spouse endured abuse from the other and it improved their godly character? Maybe this principle or command was somehow left out in my scriptural studies. I’m always open to learning something new about God’s Word.
(USA) My husband was a divorced man with 4 grown up kids. I have an issue with his being more generous with his 2nd to the youngest daughter, who incidentally is living with his ex wife. I wish he could be more finanacially generous to me and my daughter, because I am the one who appears to be more of a housemaid than a wife.
I don’t know what his issue is when it comes to money. He is not the kind of man or husband who would make his wife use the credit card or give his salary to his wife. He deposits his money in 3 or 5 banks. Has about 3 credit cards. I guess because of these things, I feel so uncomfortable being with him in bed. I sleep when he is already at work.
We both come from the same country, Philippines. He is already an American citizen. I don’t know what to do anymore. There are times I easily cry. There are also times that I want to eat but I feel not good immediately. Please pray for my sanity, especially. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you very much all for your stories and words of encouragement. I am going through the same thing that most of you are going through. I am now married for 10 yrs to a man who once was wonderful, full of love and very sensitive. But that all faded away with the years. My husband is a very moody person, as if I sometimes have to check his mood first before I can speak to him. I am a very sensitive person and pick up the moody vibes very fast. I them withdraw myself from him out of fear of rejection or being hurt further.
While he’s at it, he shouts at our children as if he is irritated by them. It hurt me so much when he does that. I used to be a very loving wife, who would apologise each time I made a mistake. I would get him birthday gifts, make him feel special every chance I got, and just be a loving wife to him. But guess what? I never got any of these in return. He never apologises if he hurts my feelings, and he never buys me any gifts. Our 10th year anniversary was just a couple of months ago, and not so much as a gift or happy anniversay or I love you, nada! I felt so neglected, unloved and so unimportant.
I have now started applying the eye for an eye principle as I believe you must do unto others what you want done to you. Romance? Hopeless! He does not know how to show affection and he does not know how to receive it. I have stopped doing so many things for him (romance) because he does not do it for me and when I do it for him, he does not know how to respond, and he ends up rejecting my efforts.
He does not believe in communication, if he is the one affected by the problem, we must talk about it, but if its me, I must deal with it myself as I’m the cause. I realise that this problem may never go away as I believe it gets worse when they get older? But I am hoping for miracle from Christ, that he will renew his heart and make him the man that Christ himself will be proud of. Otherwise a lot of damage may occuer if this does not end.