Are you dealing with a spouse who has decreased sexual desire for you? The question is, what can you do about it?
If decreased desire in a husband or wife becomes a problem, couples need to begin the solution by having a heart-to-heart talk outside of the marriage bed. Some feel they are wrong to expect their marriage partners to have sex with them. Yet 1 Corinthians 7:3 makes it clear that the husband and wife have a responsibility to meet each other’s sexual needs. If your partner lacks interest, begin by praying for help in having a difficult but necessary conversation. Then together explore the possible cause or causes.
Decreased Sexual Desire?
Ask your spouse, “Is there anything I can do to help you be in the mood more often?” Perhaps he’s bored with the routine. Perhaps she needs help with the kids. Consider together whether lack of interest in sex is a new problem. Or perhaps it’s always been this way. Is he getting his needs met elsewhere? Does she seem to have no desire at any time? Is work particularly stressful lately? A man will often avoid sex because he’s having potency problems. That is because he is afraid of risking failure. This is why it’s so important to discuss his lack of interest in a supportive and loving way.
Medical Help?
Seek medical help if the lack of desire is not a temporary difficulty. Physical reasons for low sexual interest in men include conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, extreme stress, and a history of alcohol abuse. Often the medication history can give clues, as a variety of drugs can impact libido and function. Anti-hypertensive medicines, medications used for migraines, and most of the SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft), so useful for certain anxiety and depressive disorders, can dramatically lower libido. If brain serotonin levels are relatively high —as is true for many patients on antidepressants —sexual dysfunction may occur.
Is Stress or Job Performance Causing Decreased Sexual Desire?
People with high-stress jobs or very physical jobs can, indeed, be physically tired. A phenomenon that appears unique to men, though, and that seems similar to a general depression, involves an unsatisfying work experience, or a sense of “failure to accomplish” something significant in a lifespan. For many men, job performance and sexual prowess are tightly linked.
In addition, failure to perform up to his own “standards” can begin a downward spiral of ongoing failure. If a man tries to have sex when tired or distracted by job or other concerns and can’t maintain a satisfactory erection or reach ejaculation, it can plant deadly seeds of doubt in his mind. These can be powerful enough to cause him to prefer not trying rather than trying and failing. Encouragement, support, and “another time, another place, another try” without pressure may resolve the issue.
A husband who experiences these episodes is hardly alone. The e-waves and airwaves are inundated with advertisements for erectile dysfunction aids —both prescription and non-prescription approaches. This change in publicity is striking. Erectile dysfunction has, in fact, surfaced as a major male issue and is frequently followed by seeming lack of interest in sexual expression. Erectile dysfunction along with premature ejaculation cause considerable male sexual difficulties. However, there are may successful therapies ranging from biblical counseling to specific medications for particular patients.
Hormonal Issues or Aging?
Hormonal issues can play a role for both men and women. As a man ages, the testosterone slowly decreases which may cause a noticeable change in libido, size and firmness of the erection, as well as force of ejaculation. For the man who has been able to perform “on demand,” these changes can be anxiety-producing, even frightening aspects of the normal aging process.
For aging women, besides the hormonal effects, body image seems to play an enormous role. As a woman feels less attractive and less secure, she may resist advances and be more reluctant to initiate sexual expression. So we find husbands with failing confidence in their ability and wives that are insecure in their appearance —a recipe for decrease in the number of intimate encounters.
For men, obesity may also be a factor. In a study of nearly 2,000 men at the Harvard School of Public Health, “those with 42-inch waists or larger were twice as likely to have problems getting an erection as those with 32-inch waists. Researchers suspect that’s because they had risk factors for heart disease. They have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and inactivity. This compromises not only blood flow to the heart, but also to the genitals. What’s the solution? Here’s a suggestion: frequent work-outs and low-fat diet.”
Seek competent counseling
One woman wrote, “When my husband takes his arousal pills —about four times a month —we have great sex. But I’m angry at his need to take ‘something’ to have sex with me.” Her words demonstrate how easy it is to take his low desire personally. But if he needs medication to achieve an erection, his lack of drive is probably out of his control. The available medications increase blood flow to the pelvis. And perhaps it boosts his confidence. Her anger would seem to be misplaced in this situation.
This couple could probably benefit from a third party to help them have some difficult conversations in a supportive atmosphere. It’s not easy to talk with someone else about your love life. But sometimes a neutral party can help a lot.
Many counselors and most pastoral counselors, however, have no experience in sex therapy or dealing with these intimate issues. So try to find someone with training and expertise in treating sexual problems. Checking with your physician might be a good first place to start.
Is There Help in Other Ways for Decreased Sexual Desire Between Spouses?
When the wife has a lower sex drive than her husband, she can still usually help him experience sexual release in a relatively brief time. Providing sexual release is more complex, however, when the one with the lower libido is the husband. Because sexual satisfaction for her generally takes longer, requires more concentration and ambiance, and is a reflection of the intensity of her feelings toward her man, the uninterested husband must involve himself for much longer to satisfy his wife.
And her partner’s enthusiasm is more closely linked to her ability even to experience orgasm than it would be for many men with less interested wives. Nevertheless, it’s still worthwhile to have intimate contact. Do this even if it’s only to assure her of love, affection, and concern for her welfare.
Bear in mind that there are alternate ways to achieve orgasm even when the husband suffers from erectile dysfunction. Couples should feel free to explore and experiment in these areas. Perhaps once the husband is successful in these ways, his lagging libido will be less of an issue.
Painful Conversations
Some husbands are trying to be sensitive. But they often find themselves having painful conversations that go something like this:
HIM: “Do you need me to meet your needs tonight?”
HER: “It would be nice if you actually wanted me.”
HIM: “Hey, I’m doing the best I can.”
HER: “I don’t want some sort of sympathy session —doing it because you have to. You’d just be pretending.”
HIM: “Then what do you expect me to do? Lie and tell you I can’t wait? I’m willing to meet your needs. That’s the best I can do right now.”
The neglected wife will probably feel insecurities. They include, “If only I were more beautiful” or “If only I were more sexy.” Even if doctors can identify a medical cause for the husband’s seeming indifference, these feelings are difficult for her to overcome. Yet it’s important for her to remind herself that God created her in His very image. For this reason she is a beautiful creature. She is fully desirable, despite her husband’s medical or emotional issues.
Feelings of Rejection About Decreased Sexual Desire
Because a spouse’s lack of interest usually brings feelings of rejection and even insecurity for the more interested partner, he or she may be especially vulnerable. 1 Corinthians 7:5 gives the clear command not to deprive each other for this very reason. That is because it leaves one’s spouse more vulnerable to sexual temptation. If your spouse refuses to or can’t help you achieve sexual release, you as the deprived spouse must recognize the additional moral vigilance that must accompany such difficulties in your life.
The way your spouse decides to respond to your need, though, is largely out of control. If he or she ignores your pleas despite attempts at communication and intervention, seek the help of a third party. If your spouse remains unresponsive, you must live with the devastating realty of life as a celibate married person. The ongoing support of a trusted friend will be essential to helping you deal with such a loss.
Express Your Ongoing Desire for Oneness
In this case our Savior’s submission to the Father serves as a source of enablement and encouragement. “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23 NIV). That is not to say you silently bear it, opting never to bring it up. Periodically express your ongoing desire for marital oneness. Yet recognize that if your spouse fails to respond, it’s out of your control.
For many women, their husbands’ lack of interest is a source of ongoing grief. Sexual oneness was an essential piece in the marriage equation. If this is true for you, express your emotion to God. Know He will honor your for exhibiting a quality that reflects the heart of God Himself. He has a loyal, faithful love that cares for those who cannot reciprocate.
This can go both ways. Many wives are no longer available to their husbands after the kids are grown and gone. A man in such a situation must learn to live godly in the midst of her selfish approach, as well.
Sexual Difficulty Can Lead to Decreased Sexual Desire.
Jesus Christ understands the difficulties of the celibate life. In Ronald Rolheiser’s book The Holy Longing, he notes:
“When Christ went to bed alone at night, he was in real solidarity with the many persons who, not by choice but by circumstance, sleep alone. And there is a real poverty, a painful searing one, in this kind of aloneness. The poor are not just those who are more manifestly victimized by poverty, violence, war, and unjust economic systems. There are other less obvious manifestations of poverty, violence, and injustice. Celibacy by conscription is one of them.”
As we’ve said before, the number-one sexual difficulty couples experience is the inability to talk about it. This appears to be a pattern that continues through the years unless couples make a specific effort to communicate about their intimate lives. Physicians estimate that nearly half of their menopausal patients suffer from a loss of sexual desire or satisfaction. And while approximately two-thirds of the men have noticed a decrease in sexual activity since their partners entered menopause, only half of the couples have discussed these changes together.
Communication and Knowing is Important
So the first line of defense of communication. The second is knowing what to expect. The third is knowing to seek help any time you experience discomfort or ongoing anxiety. Finally, focus on benefits of loving well at each age. In their time of youth, couples experience new, exciting sensations, and awaken to worlds of self-discovery. With maturity comes skill, confidence, and deepening intimacy.
In old age, couples bring to each other the wisdom and joy of love learned over a lifetime. As the authors of Love and Sex After Forty remind us, “Love and sex are twin arts. They require effort and knowledge. Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after without working at it. But sex does not merely exist after the middle and later years. It holds the possibility of becoming greater than it ever was.”
Like the bride in Song of Solomon who felt free to say, “Dark am I, yet lovely” (Song of Solomon 1:5), we face growing old together by working to create a secure atmosphere to reach other. In that place, loving eyes look beyond physical imperfections. They exclaim, “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song 5:16 NIV).
This article came from the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I love my husband with all my heart. We have been married for almost 2 years now. My problem with him is he doesn’t or maybe he just can’t do other things because he has been gaining weight so bad, and when having sex he can’t reach me because his belly gets in the way. For me I want my man in action if I will be the one on top all the time. I just don’t feel the joy of it anymore.
Another problem is while in the middle of performance, he will just say I am sorry I can’t do it anymore; I think I am done so it disappoints me and I will just give up. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. I don’t want to end my marriage. This is my second marriage, if anyone can help me I will appreciate it. I am 39 years and he is 56 which I think age difference does not matter. I am so stressed and I don’t know what to do. I just pray; that’s all I know to do.
(LEBANON) i have no sexual desire towards my wife… she lost weight and her body looks horrible! I told her please; this is not good and she never answers. She always tries to be in control of everything and when I say no, she either cries or pretends to be very sick… Ugh!!!
We have a kid and that’s what’s keeps me going. She is working and always says, Hey, I work and I in bring money!!! I work also but I can’t afford all alone. She always try to avoid sex… is always tired or not in mood or… We bearly have sex… I don’t feel I want to yet I do this just to keep our relationship going. But I feel lately that I should divorce. I always seek sex outside and I never ever enjoy with her…
(US) I read with great interest the issues some couples are experiencing, some are similar to ours. Married, 22 years and contented. Three years ago, my husband decided to return to live in his country of birth. This was disappointing. At that time our sexual relationship was good. He was seriously injured one year after returning to his home, returned to the US for medical treatment. After his recovery, intimacy became less frequent; followed by erectile dysfunction.
I care about my husband with or without sexual intimacy. I am of the opinion that he is probably seeing someone else where he now resides. He denies any such relationship. What is interesting, is that on a recent visit to our home, I noticed a prescription for Cialis, when asked about this he responded as he typically does, asking, what are you talking about?
I don’t want to get an STD, so I will insist on a condom if we have intercourse. I am dissapointed.
(KENYA) I have been married 15 years and I loved my husband a lot until I found out he was having extra marital affairs. I tried working out things with him, to make him forget the other WOMEN and the more I tried, the more he did it. He used to have some good money and he would spend all of it on women. One day I just felt like I had had enough and since that day, I don’t want my husband to touch me. I still love him but the thought of sex makes me sick. I hate sex with all my heart and I could never have sex.
Once in a while I do fantasise about other men but when I imagine myself having sex, I immediately lose it. I come from this part of the world where HIV is rampant and women are dying of cervical cancer (you know the virus is sexually transmitted). I can say I am so traumatised that I can’t handle sex.
Today my husband has no money to spend on women and he is pleading for sex from me. The fact is it makes me feel as if am an instrument. Even when we were still having sex, he would come home at 11pm, stay downstairs until 2 pm, sometimes have sex and I wouldn’t hear from him again until the following morning, 2 am. I have not been happy with him in over 10 years.
We have 3 kids and I am not financially prepared to go through a divorce, as much as they would get hurt. Everyday I read in the news stories about women who have been murdered by their wives for sexual starvation. The fact that I still share the bedrom with him, I can’t sleep enough because I don’t know what he could do. I am so unhappy and he is so unhappy.
(ZIMBABWE) True, it does hurt to find out that your beloved one is or has been cheating on you but I believe these relationships we find ourselves in are not by mistake, its all in accordance with God’s great plan He has for our lives. I believe nothing is impossible with a willing heart as long as it is in line with God’s principles/ commandments.
It is against this background that I believ in the following;
– Divorce is ungodly. God despises divorce- thus, this should not be an option in your case.
– Forgiving one another is what God expects from us all just like what Christ did to the woman who was caught commiting adultery. Though it’s not easy but like I said, nothing is impossible as long as it is in our best interest spiritually God will always assit.
– Unconditional love to humanity is what is expected from all of us. You can still learn to love your husband in spite of all the wrongs, the pain he has inflicted on you. Just always bear in mind that the devil is always behind every wrong committed by humanity hence, lets hate the devil instead of hating mankind. As Christ said, love your enemies, there are no exceptions.
-Prayer is the most powerful tool we got as mankind that can change any hurt and suffering but we aught to be patient for God answers our prayers at his own time. Most of the time He answers there and there but because we in most cases are not fine tuned to hear or see His response
What I think could be of assistance is for you to humbly pour out your fears (for AIDS, STD etc) to your beloved husband and see if together you can work out a plan like both of you going for tests so that you can once again be intimate and make love like you used to. It’s never too late to reconcile but be prepared not to defend always your point of view, but rather be prepared to be defenseless, knowing that in this you draw more strength and achieve the desired results. Christ is our example in this wherein He had the power to destroy or harm His enemies but He choose not to & instead forgive them.
(MAURITIUS) I am a Christian, been married for 10 years, have two children aged 9 years old and my son is 7 years old. The problem is my husband has never been able to satisfy me sexually. We never have foreplay, he just comes to me, penetrates me and after ejaculation he goes to sleep. Its been 5 years that we don’t sleep on the same bed. He just uses me selfishly for his own pleasure.
He never cares for me. I feel suffocated whenever he sleeps with me. We don’t have any communication. We do nothing together, no shopping, no going out. It’s as if I don’t live in this home. Sometimes I am very, very lonely sad and discouraged cause it was a love marriage. I married him at 17 years old and he was 19. I don’t know if I love him now but I know I am living with him because of my children. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. Please give a biblical suggestion.
(BARBADOS) I have been married for 7 years. In our second year of marriage my husband hired a female employee in his business and ever since then, I have felt like it’s a competiton between the woman and I for his attention.
I do not feel close to my husband emotionally and whenever I try to speak to him about it, he brushes me off. I have zero sex drive and sex with him is very unpleasant for me -painfully so. I’ve tried telling him about this and instead of investing time in building our relationship, he looks at porn. Another thing, my husband is a pastor. I’ve suggested counseling, and he brushes me off.
I keep asking him if he is interested in keeping the marriage together and he says ‘yes’, but his actions say otherwise. He makes dates with me but has never kept one. But when his employee invites him to anything that she participates in, he finds time and energy -(saying that he gave his word) and goes.
I have confronted him asking if he has an emotional relationship with this woman. He denies it, but I see otherwise.
We do not communicate. The bottom line is when she calls, he makes sure to either go outside or he never refers to her by name. But I know because there is a difference with how he speaks to her and how he speaks to to others. I am a stay home Mom and the woman never comes to our home when I am there… she waits until I am gone and he is home. We live in a close knit community and people are talking about how close my husband is to this woman, even his family.
Whenever I try to point out how this looks to my husband, he either lashes out or says I am attacking him.
The truth is I am at my wits end. We had a baby last year and in the 10 months since she was born, we’ve had sex about 3 times. I feel no desire… my body doesn’t respond to his when he touches me and I get no fulfilment.
It is affecting every area of our lives, including his ministry and whenever I try to talk to my husband he raises his voice, sometimes even shouts at me. I am at the point of giving up on my marriage, because my husband behaves disinterested and I am not sure how long I can live like this.
(USA) I feel so terribly about your situation. I am praying for you. I know what it is like for a husband to have an emotional relationship with someone else. It is not pleasant. I pray for God’s grace to sustain you. I pray you can sacrifice for the sake of your children and may God remove this other woman employee from your lives. My Dad left my mom for another “missionary” woman. Be alert, be aware and pray. God is able to do a miracle. I don’t know what to do to help but it sounds like extreme measures are needed and that would be removing this lady from your husband completely. I am sure God can organize that for you.
(USA) My wife and I have been married for twenty one years. We had a lot of emotional problems when first married. I had two children from a previous marriage and to be honest my wife was awful to them. She chased them out of our relationship and I gave full custody to my ex wife. I had little contact with my children until the last couple years and when I did, my wife would try and sabotage it.
Over the years I left the marriage a time or two, at which times she would promise to try and change but as soon as I returned the problems resumed. I would have women from the church tell me that I had to give her another chance as she would promise to do better. I adopted one of her children (girl) and love both of her children (adults now) deeply as they love me. I have grandchildren by both of these children and know that if I leave this relationship I will never have easy access to see my grandchildren.
I made a commitment to myself and to God several years back to put my all into this relationship regardless of how she treated me now that my children were out of the picture. My wife has gained a large amount of weight and is at least 150 lbs overweight now. I have lost about 40 lbs in the last year and am in the best shape since high school. My wife accuses me of doing this for another woman, but there is no one else. I have no desire for sex with her and really now do not even want to be around her.
I have prayed for forgiveness and have really worked hard to make sure that I have forgiven her. She says that I am to love her as she is and that my lack of desire is my issue. I am racked with guilt and do not know where to turn as a Christian man. Her children have, by the way, both advised me in times past, to leave this marriage. I do not feel I have grounds as I do not think she has been unfaithful sexually. Am I totally wrong to feel the way I do about my lack of desire?
(UNITED STATES) Hi, God bless. I am married. I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. We got married 9 months ago. He’s 25; I’m 20. Well, he never wants to have sex with me. He’s a wonderful husband and he always puts God first. But when I ask him he always says no.
He tells me to be patient so I’ve been waiting for a month without asking him. So he took me out for dinner and said baby, I want to have sex. So we get home and what does he tell me? “NO.” I feel ugly; I feel rejected all the time. It’s not fair. I please him in everything. Why can’t he do the same? He wasn’t like that before. I don’t know what to do.
(USA) First, I want to say how glad I am that I’m not the only Christian woman feeling frustration because her husband doesn’t want sex. When I’ve tried to research this, nearly everything was about women who weren’t satisfying their men. I have kind of an odd problem, it seems. I’ll start from the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 4 years (we were 23 and 25) and we dated for 2 1/2 years before that. We struggled constantly to remain virgins during that time. The odd thing was, at first I was very adamant that I would not have sex, and he could not seem to keep from trying to tempt me. He finally tempted me to the point that I couldn’t stop thinking about it and ended up begging him for it.
That’s when things started changing. He told me that he had decided that it was important that I be able to rightfully wear white on my wedding day, and from then on, though he tempted me more often than before, he would refuse to actually go through with it when he got me to the point that I couldn’t resist anymore. So we were both virgins when we married, and I am glad of that, believe me.
Our wedding night did not quite go as planned though… though he was very gentle, it hurt me so much that I bled as if I were on my period and we was afraid I would have to go to the emergency room. It was about a year before intercourse was no longer painful, and even then it wasn’t comfortable most of the time.
Perhaps because of that, my husband’s sex drive seemed to drop to almost zero after we got back from the honeymoon. He went from the guy who was constantly tempting me to the guy who only seemed to want me when he was at the point of getting too full. I was miserable.
A sudden move to a new house where we are not under constant siege from his abusive parents seemed to perk him up and we managed to conceive. I was very sick during the pregnancy, throwing up 7 or 8 times a day for 5 months. After that my joints hurt so much that sex was difficult, and then it became hard to breathe while laying down. During that time, he seemed to be turned on all the time! I enjoyed feeling sexy again and hoped that it would stay that way… it didn’t.
Now that I’ve given birth, things are back to normal. I’m lucky if he’s interested once a week, and then of course, we have to wait for the baby to calm down long enough. When I came down with a sinus infection and felt like death, though, he was suddenly all into me again. And it seems like he only asks me at times when he knows we can’t do it… only kisses me at awkward moments like when I have something boiling on the stove. I can’t help but think that he just likes forbidden fruit… he’s not really all that interested in sex unless he can’t have it for some reason.
I love my husband so much and I know that he loves me… he is a wonderful father and our baby daughter adores him. We have great discussions about politics and philosophy and everything else on earth… but I still feel unhappy because it seems like he just isn’t that attracted to me now that he’s had me. And yes, I’ve tried lingerie, change of scenery… pretty much everything I can think of! Maybe I’m just not trying the right lingerie? Any suggestions would be welcome, and if you think I’m worrying too much about nothing feel free to say so.
(ST KITTS) My husband and I were together for seven years before getting married. I have been married to my husband for a little less than a year. Two years ago I found out whilst I was pregnant with our son he cheated on me with a married woman. It was heartbreaking, but because of my love for him I forgave him.
We are both born again Christians, but up until three months ago I still had to deal with him still having interactions with this woman. We have sex twice a month and I try to speak to him about it. He says that my problem is that I expect everything to be the same as when we met 8 yrs ago. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I want my husband sooo bad and he just says goodnight and goes to sleep. When we have sex he does things to me that would excite him and not me. He seems to think that once he has oral sex with me and I climax I should be happy. I am trying my best not to think about other men because I know that it is wrong.
(USA) I posted this in the other forum and when I was reading all the comments here, some of the stories rang similar to mine, so I decided to copy and paste what I wrote last night into this forum.
I had to write. Tonight I am so frustrated. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and he is addicted to porn. I found out that some months after marriage, he was indulging in acts with ladies over the internet. They would do the web cam thing so he can see them and they can see him. I knew something was wrong because when we would get intimate with each other, he seemed distant. It almost seemed like he was visualizing things to get an orgasm. I asked him several times if he was thinking about other ladies to get there and he denied it.
When I found out stuff and confronted him, he came clean and I asked him if the times when I asked about him thinking about other women to have an orgasm he said yes. He confessed that he had a problem and it had nothing to do with me. But I felt so low. I felt less than a woman and unable to please him. Even our sex life started to diminish.
We weathered the storm and got through that period with him promising to stop the porn and all that. Things were great. But lately, our sex life has been diminishing for want of a better word. We are two young people and I can count on one hand the number of times we would have sex for the month, sometimes twice. I am so frustrated and more than that, I feel inadequate as a woman. I have talked to him about it and he said that his reason for not approaching me sometimes is I am so tired and he does not want to be selfish. Then he says I am on the phone a lot too and he does not want to interrupt. I have told him that if he desires me just approach me. I feel like I am always the one making the first move. I am so angry with him. He is still doing porn. He has been open with me because we have a “no secrets” pact with each other. Just trying to support him while he kicks this addiction to porn.
Today was the breaking point for me, I am just tired, I feel less than a woman. Why should I have to ask him about him not approaching me? Why is it that weeks will pass by and my husband will not be intimate with me? AM I THAT UNDESIRABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet he will go look at porn and pleasure himself. Then I am here constantly asking myself what is wrong with me because it has been 3 weeks and my husband has not even made love to me. Oh and sex, is just sex. He does not make out with me. The way we were when we just got married and the way we are are two different things.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man and he treats me like a queen but our relationship is becoming devoid of sex. I do not know what to do any more. Maybe I am the one that needs help because outside of the “sex issue” he is the best husband in the whole world. Now I feel badly, that’s the thing every time I begin to express the way I begin to feel badly because I feel as though I am hurting his feelings. I JUST DUNNOOO!!! I don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure as a wife, as a woman. I feel unattractive, and this issue is just bringing back memories of when I found out what he was doing with other ladies.
When the incident happened, I grieved for a week and then pulled it together not to be revisited because I did not want him to feel like I am throwing things in his face. Him messing around with ladies via web cam, me coming across pics that was sent to his phone, emails to a lady that he said had feelings for, telling her he can’t call her because I was asleep on his lap… yes all that is in the past but when I see how absent the intimacy is it makes me suspicious.
He told me there is nothing to worry about and nothing to be suspicious about but this issue still exists lack of intimacy. Sometimes I feel like he is happy when I have my period that way he is free from… oh I dunno. I just have a lot to vent. Sorry if my thoughts seem so scattered. I just needed to get this off my chest and have someone listen to me. Can’t talk to anyone cause we are very private people. Please help.
(CANADA) I got married five years ago. My husband has a lack of libido. He is not interested in sex. Some times we fight a lot about this matter. I don’t know why he doesn’t like sex. This problem begin two years ago. Can you suggest what a solution?
(USA) Is there any chance your husband could be getting some type of fulfillment from pornography? And/or could he have some physical problems, which might challenge his ability to “perform,” such as diabetes, low testosterone, heart problems or such?
(USA) I have been married for 24 years… My husband is not interested in me sexually at all. We have never had a very sexual relationship… once every 6 weeks or so for years.
He had a illness about a year ago and faced major surgery. I was with him and never left his side but since then things have been horrible… He is 7 years older than me and we have been together since I was 14 years old. He always told me he would NEVER leave me but left me twice this summer for a few days at a time.
We are together now and have moved 500 miles away from any family and friends. We have three children… 2 are grown and a 14 year old son at home. I feel he resents me and uses himself to punish me. He says it is not true and this is how he is… if we do have sex it is me practically begging him and giving him foreplay while he doesn’t TOUCH me at ALL! I feel he does it to shut me up… I am over weight… but so is he.
I am just so hurt. I love him and love to be with him and touch him and need him, and I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with me. Am I just over reacting or is he just here because he married me so young and still feels a responsibility to me??? He honestly could go forever and not have sex… but he does look at women on the computer… so help please.
(USA) This is a tough subject for me. My husband and I have been together now for 2 years. The first 2 weeks were wonderful. We kissed, hugged and the whole nine yards with no problem. One morning I woke before he did and wanted intimacy. I cuddled up to him and tried initiating things. He jumped out of bed suddenly and ran to the bathroom. It hurt my feelings, to be honest. It’s like on that morning the fire went out.
I try hugging, cuddling and kissing… He kept making excuses. Headache, sick, tired, stressed, etc. We get along great and all but there is no intimacy in any form except the occasional smack on the lips when he leaves for work and I happen to be off work. I’ve tried talking to him and he gets defensive. He’s admitted to me that it’s awkward for him. He hides behind the tv, laptop, car stuff and many other things to avoid the subject. I don’t want to be a nagging wife. I love him and don’t want to upset him.
We have had discussions turned into arguments to the point of him saying that he’d leave if I was that miserable. I don’t want to drive him away yet want my husband to love me. We don’t know how to communicate obviously. I need some answers so I know how to love him the way he needs.
(USA) Hi. I am a woman who is thinking about having an affair for purely sex. I love my husband and he is the closest person to me. I have done a lot of work and he has too with self realization which I find is the hardest thing to do in life, being honest with yourself. My husband is 36 and young for erectile dysfunction. He has it by God and I and he have been very open about it and I have been very supportive. I have even gone as far to do things with him like watching porn together for many years and we have fantasized about sexual threesomes.
There was a girl who liked me at a pub we visited and I even brought her home with us and made out but she got nervous and backed out. So to make a long story short it turns out that a friend of ours, a male friend that my husband has known through football games for longer than he knows me, is very sexual and he approached us. I was honest with my husband that I was excited because the guy was so into sex and it was nice to have someone turned on by me. I didn’t want to cheat so I talked to my husband and we fooled around a couple of times with this guy.
We actually hadn’t been dealing with the sexual dysfunction for a while because it was just hard too. My feelings were hurt and so was his and this affair we had together brought out a lot of issues that we had both been burying. I truly am not the slutty type I just want my husband to have success. I have been approaching this ED as a mental and psychological issue that he can conquer and I’m beginning to think that even if it is based off of that, I might not be able to fix it.
So, this friend of ours I can see by myself and I’ve told my husband about that. I was honest and I felt horribly guilty about the group affair because it saddened me to not have something special with just my husband. He and I had some big heart to hearts after that and I think that it did and didn’t help him. He is very young when it comes to his sexual self. Not that I want to go into all of that since I’m typing here alone in my room and I’m thinking about having an affair for just sex. I just want to reach out and see if there is anyone out there who is truly, deeply in love with their spouse but can’t fix the sexual problems.
I think the threesome helped him identify with his sexual being. It made him realize that he has a sexual drive and somehow it helped that he had had dirty sex. But then, it hurt him too because this man was so sexually virile and able sexually. He was very well endowed and my husband had ED during where I worked on him for a very long time to where he finally got up and was able to have quick sex with me. I think that I felt so bad for him that even in this highly sexual situation he had a rough time that I hurt him more than helped him.
I’m thinking of doing something with this friend of ours by myself because I am realizing that I do need sex. I do need success but I am madly in love with my husband. I’m thinking that we have done a lot of hard work and have been honest and maybe there is a point to having a secret affair so I can have my needs met and I can be patient with him?