Are you dealing with a spouse who has decreased sexual desire for you? The question is, what can you do about it?
If decreased desire in a husband or wife becomes a problem, couples need to begin the solution by having a heart-to-heart talk outside of the marriage bed. Some feel they are wrong to expect their marriage partners to have sex with them. Yet 1 Corinthians 7:3 makes it clear that the husband and wife have a responsibility to meet each other’s sexual needs. If your partner lacks interest, begin by praying for help in having a difficult but necessary conversation. Then together explore the possible cause or causes.
Decreased Sexual Desire?
Ask your spouse, “Is there anything I can do to help you be in the mood more often?” Perhaps he’s bored with the routine. Perhaps she needs help with the kids. Consider together whether lack of interest in sex is a new problem. Or perhaps it’s always been this way. Is he getting his needs met elsewhere? Does she seem to have no desire at any time? Is work particularly stressful lately? A man will often avoid sex because he’s having potency problems. That is because he is afraid of risking failure. This is why it’s so important to discuss his lack of interest in a supportive and loving way.
Medical Help?
Seek medical help if the lack of desire is not a temporary difficulty. Physical reasons for low sexual interest in men include conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, extreme stress, and a history of alcohol abuse. Often the medication history can give clues, as a variety of drugs can impact libido and function. Anti-hypertensive medicines, medications used for migraines, and most of the SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft), so useful for certain anxiety and depressive disorders, can dramatically lower libido. If brain serotonin levels are relatively high —as is true for many patients on antidepressants —sexual dysfunction may occur.
Is Stress or Job Performance Causing Decreased Sexual Desire?
People with high-stress jobs or very physical jobs can, indeed, be physically tired. A phenomenon that appears unique to men, though, and that seems similar to a general depression, involves an unsatisfying work experience, or a sense of “failure to accomplish” something significant in a lifespan. For many men, job performance and sexual prowess are tightly linked.
In addition, failure to perform up to his own “standards” can begin a downward spiral of ongoing failure. If a man tries to have sex when tired or distracted by job or other concerns and can’t maintain a satisfactory erection or reach ejaculation, it can plant deadly seeds of doubt in his mind. These can be powerful enough to cause him to prefer not trying rather than trying and failing. Encouragement, support, and “another time, another place, another try” without pressure may resolve the issue.
A husband who experiences these episodes is hardly alone. The e-waves and airwaves are inundated with advertisements for erectile dysfunction aids —both prescription and non-prescription approaches. This change in publicity is striking. Erectile dysfunction has, in fact, surfaced as a major male issue and is frequently followed by seeming lack of interest in sexual expression. Erectile dysfunction along with premature ejaculation cause considerable male sexual difficulties. However, there are may successful therapies ranging from biblical counseling to specific medications for particular patients.
Hormonal Issues or Aging?
Hormonal issues can play a role for both men and women. As a man ages, the testosterone slowly decreases which may cause a noticeable change in libido, size and firmness of the erection, as well as force of ejaculation. For the man who has been able to perform “on demand,” these changes can be anxiety-producing, even frightening aspects of the normal aging process.
For aging women, besides the hormonal effects, body image seems to play an enormous role. As a woman feels less attractive and less secure, she may resist advances and be more reluctant to initiate sexual expression. So we find husbands with failing confidence in their ability and wives that are insecure in their appearance —a recipe for decrease in the number of intimate encounters.
For men, obesity may also be a factor. In a study of nearly 2,000 men at the Harvard School of Public Health, “those with 42-inch waists or larger were twice as likely to have problems getting an erection as those with 32-inch waists. Researchers suspect that’s because they had risk factors for heart disease. They have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and inactivity. This compromises not only blood flow to the heart, but also to the genitals. What’s the solution? Here’s a suggestion: frequent work-outs and low-fat diet.”
Seek competent counseling
One woman wrote, “When my husband takes his arousal pills —about four times a month —we have great sex. But I’m angry at his need to take ‘something’ to have sex with me.” Her words demonstrate how easy it is to take his low desire personally. But if he needs medication to achieve an erection, his lack of drive is probably out of his control. The available medications increase blood flow to the pelvis. And perhaps it boosts his confidence. Her anger would seem to be misplaced in this situation.
This couple could probably benefit from a third party to help them have some difficult conversations in a supportive atmosphere. It’s not easy to talk with someone else about your love life. But sometimes a neutral party can help a lot.
Many counselors and most pastoral counselors, however, have no experience in sex therapy or dealing with these intimate issues. So try to find someone with training and expertise in treating sexual problems. Checking with your physician might be a good first place to start.
Is There Help in Other Ways for Decreased Sexual Desire Between Spouses?
When the wife has a lower sex drive than her husband, she can still usually help him experience sexual release in a relatively brief time. Providing sexual release is more complex, however, when the one with the lower libido is the husband. Because sexual satisfaction for her generally takes longer, requires more concentration and ambiance, and is a reflection of the intensity of her feelings toward her man, the uninterested husband must involve himself for much longer to satisfy his wife.
And her partner’s enthusiasm is more closely linked to her ability even to experience orgasm than it would be for many men with less interested wives. Nevertheless, it’s still worthwhile to have intimate contact. Do this even if it’s only to assure her of love, affection, and concern for her welfare.
Bear in mind that there are alternate ways to achieve orgasm even when the husband suffers from erectile dysfunction. Couples should feel free to explore and experiment in these areas. Perhaps once the husband is successful in these ways, his lagging libido will be less of an issue.
Painful Conversations
Some husbands are trying to be sensitive. But they often find themselves having painful conversations that go something like this:
HIM: “Do you need me to meet your needs tonight?”
HER: “It would be nice if you actually wanted me.”
HIM: “Hey, I’m doing the best I can.”
HER: “I don’t want some sort of sympathy session —doing it because you have to. You’d just be pretending.”
HIM: “Then what do you expect me to do? Lie and tell you I can’t wait? I’m willing to meet your needs. That’s the best I can do right now.”
The neglected wife will probably feel insecurities. They include, “If only I were more beautiful” or “If only I were more sexy.” Even if doctors can identify a medical cause for the husband’s seeming indifference, these feelings are difficult for her to overcome. Yet it’s important for her to remind herself that God created her in His very image. For this reason she is a beautiful creature. She is fully desirable, despite her husband’s medical or emotional issues.
Feelings of Rejection About Decreased Sexual Desire
Because a spouse’s lack of interest usually brings feelings of rejection and even insecurity for the more interested partner, he or she may be especially vulnerable. 1 Corinthians 7:5 gives the clear command not to deprive each other for this very reason. That is because it leaves one’s spouse more vulnerable to sexual temptation. If your spouse refuses to or can’t help you achieve sexual release, you as the deprived spouse must recognize the additional moral vigilance that must accompany such difficulties in your life.
The way your spouse decides to respond to your need, though, is largely out of control. If he or she ignores your pleas despite attempts at communication and intervention, seek the help of a third party. If your spouse remains unresponsive, you must live with the devastating realty of life as a celibate married person. The ongoing support of a trusted friend will be essential to helping you deal with such a loss.
Express Your Ongoing Desire for Oneness
In this case our Savior’s submission to the Father serves as a source of enablement and encouragement. “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23 NIV). That is not to say you silently bear it, opting never to bring it up. Periodically express your ongoing desire for marital oneness. Yet recognize that if your spouse fails to respond, it’s out of your control.
For many women, their husbands’ lack of interest is a source of ongoing grief. Sexual oneness was an essential piece in the marriage equation. If this is true for you, express your emotion to God. Know He will honor your for exhibiting a quality that reflects the heart of God Himself. He has a loyal, faithful love that cares for those who cannot reciprocate.
This can go both ways. Many wives are no longer available to their husbands after the kids are grown and gone. A man in such a situation must learn to live godly in the midst of her selfish approach, as well.
Sexual Difficulty Can Lead to Decreased Sexual Desire.
Jesus Christ understands the difficulties of the celibate life. In Ronald Rolheiser’s book The Holy Longing, he notes:
“When Christ went to bed alone at night, he was in real solidarity with the many persons who, not by choice but by circumstance, sleep alone. And there is a real poverty, a painful searing one, in this kind of aloneness. The poor are not just those who are more manifestly victimized by poverty, violence, war, and unjust economic systems. There are other less obvious manifestations of poverty, violence, and injustice. Celibacy by conscription is one of them.”
As we’ve said before, the number-one sexual difficulty couples experience is the inability to talk about it. This appears to be a pattern that continues through the years unless couples make a specific effort to communicate about their intimate lives. Physicians estimate that nearly half of their menopausal patients suffer from a loss of sexual desire or satisfaction. And while approximately two-thirds of the men have noticed a decrease in sexual activity since their partners entered menopause, only half of the couples have discussed these changes together.
Communication and Knowing is Important
So the first line of defense of communication. The second is knowing what to expect. The third is knowing to seek help any time you experience discomfort or ongoing anxiety. Finally, focus on benefits of loving well at each age. In their time of youth, couples experience new, exciting sensations, and awaken to worlds of self-discovery. With maturity comes skill, confidence, and deepening intimacy.
In old age, couples bring to each other the wisdom and joy of love learned over a lifetime. As the authors of Love and Sex After Forty remind us, “Love and sex are twin arts. They require effort and knowledge. Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after without working at it. But sex does not merely exist after the middle and later years. It holds the possibility of becoming greater than it ever was.”
Like the bride in Song of Solomon who felt free to say, “Dark am I, yet lovely” (Song of Solomon 1:5), we face growing old together by working to create a secure atmosphere to reach other. In that place, loving eyes look beyond physical imperfections. They exclaim, “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song 5:16 NIV).
This article came from the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I’m 24 and married to a perfect husband. He does everything for me but we haven’t been able to make love in some time because I have a very low sex drive to no sex drive at all. When he tries to arouse me it doesn’t work. I’m not on any kind of meds or anything, I just don’t have any sexual desire whatsoever.
I love him and he loves me but I feel like if I don’t find a way to fix myself our marriage will fail. I’m scared that if I try to arouse myself for him I would be doing something wrong. I just don’t know what to do –any advice?
(USA) My wife completely lost her sex drive two years ago after going on a medication that diminishes estrogen in her body. For a few months she continued to touch me sexually to help me cope. I was fine with that, and still would be. We’ve been married over 30 years, I love her, will never divorce her, and will always be there to take care of her. However, she stopped voluntarily touching me over a year ago. I literally placed her hand accordingly a few times after that which she obliged as if performing a duty. I haven’t done that for quite some time – it almost felt like molestation.
We’ve talked about it, sought medical help (she started taking some Bioidentical HR), but nothing has helped. She’s normally not a selfish person, so I think what hurts the most is the knowledge that the thought of touching me that way must be truly repulsive or she wouldn’t force me to live like this. This is embarassing to say but i look pretty good for my age and maintain excellent hygiene (what a stupid way to say that, sorry).
Our sex life was tremendous for so long, now I am celibate. Completely. I’ve prayed so much. This is torture. I have resisted infidelity, though it is available. Two years. I don’t know how long I can last. I read “if your spouse won’t talk about it and refuses to touch you in any way, then you have to be the morally strong one.” Man, is that easier said than done. God help me i am just so alone.
(USA) I have only been with my finance for 2 years and I already don’t desire having sex with him. I honestly feel good about myself, but feel that he is not pulling his weight at all. He was very good at rearranging my home to fit himself in it though. I guess subconsciously I feel used. I work and take care of the entire financial needs for the household. I even have to plan to get diner every night after a hard day of work. He works part time and makes just enough to pay his bills, sometimes he doesn’t even have enough to gas his car and needs to borrow money. He said he really loves me and I want to believe him. He was in the navy and got out expecting to go to school and better his life and mine. My none desire has been going on for at least 6 months. What shall I do?
(UK) I have been married 6 six years. My husband cheated on me over a year ago. It took a lot but I believe we have got over this with time and healing. He has always satisfied me sexually and never had a problem in that area. I struggle with being romantic and find it hard to kiss him fondly -not a big issue. I have worked closely with my Pastor -he always compliments me, is kind and gentle. I only found it flattering and thought nothing of it over the years.
From no where I recently started having fantasies of being romantic with him. I decided to be open and tell him how I felt. He told me it was mutual. I know this is all wrong and very aware of consequences. How can I get over feeling this way? It is really affecting me. My feelings towards my husband have not changed, just want these feelings to go away. Help!
(MUMBAI) I am 26 years old and I was in an affair for the last 12 years with a boy and now up to this age. We got married in May 2011 and now there is one problem we our facing. He drinks alcohol and because of that there is no sex feeling in him and he doesn’t comes closer to me and I want him. I want to get pregnant but someone told me that if this happens to a man that is drinking his sex feeling will get over and I can’t give a birth to a child. Is this correct or there is any solution or any medicine?
Please help me and give me your suggestion as soon as possible. Whenever someone asks me when you are giving good news, at that time I have no answer to give them back. Please help me.
(USA) My wife and I got married young at 20 years old in 2007 and the sex wasn’t even brought on by me 75% of the time.There were times I was woken up at 3 in the morning.
In 2009 we had our son who is awesome in every way. The sex slowed for obvious reasons her body had to be tired right? Well it’s 2011 now and I’m lucky to get it once a week. -I have talked to her about it and she tells me I need to stop being about me all the time (I have needs) -I have suggested pills (she found very insulting. I bring the subject up almost monthly and just gets more annoyed with me. HELP!
My husband gets annoyed with me too when I ask him about every 3 months why he’s not interested anymore. It just hurts!
(NIGERIA) I love my husband and want to stay in my marriage till the end. This is our 3rd year of my marriage. The problem I have is that my husband has refused to make love with me and he is not giving me a reason. He does not want to talk about it. He treats me like a slave. I don’t have a job. He does not take care of my needs and does not care how they are met.
I have no kids yet. We want children but he will ask me to let him know when I’m ovulating so he can have sex with me. When I do, he’ll tell me it’s a lie and refuse to make love. It went from twice in a month to none. Anything I say makes him angry. I can’t even hug or kiss my husband for fear of being pushed away. I’m so confused. Please help me.
(USA) I have read through the article and have found a lot of helpful suggestions and guidance. My spouse and I are not married but we have been together for almost 7 years now. We have both been thru divorce, addiction, incarceration, etc… but we have stuck it out and recovered well together, thru the grace of God and a lot of therapy. Although, we very rarely have sexual relations with each other, we still find each other very attractive. We are both in our early forties and the time between our encounters seem longer than that! I hope the info I have gathered from you article will help. Anymore help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
(USA) I’m a 45 year old healthy female. My husband is 50 years old. We’ve been together for 22+ years. I’ve always had a much higher sex drive than my husband, even at 45 I’d have sex every day if it were possible. In the last 10 years my husband’s sex drive has been non-existent. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because my husband no longer wants me. He’s not out getting it anywhere else either and it’s not that he’s addicted to porn. He says it’s just because of his age, yada yada, I can’t stand it.
I have no problem pleasuring myself but that’s not what I need, I miss the touching, the intimacy. A sexless marriage is horribly lonely. I love my husband, we’ve raised 2 children and I can’t imagine my life without him, but I can’t imagine my life without intimacy either.
I am in a similar situation, my husband has gotten very grumpy yells a lot, and there is no intimacy and it does hurt. I’m not sure what the right answer is after spending so much of your life with someone and then to wind up like this is misery. If you find a solution, please share.
I highly recommend that your husband goes and gets his testosterone, estradiol (estrogen) and vitamin D3 levels checked. I had similar issues for years and having sufficient levels of testosterone and vitamin D has been a life changer. Men who typically have this issue will have low testosterone levels and high estrogen levels. He needs to go to hormone replacement doctor who knows what they are doing. My family doctor told me for years that my testosterone levels were “normal” only to find that they would be considered normal if I was 95 years old. I was 30 years old at that time. TRT has changed my life, my mood and my family. I will be praying for you and your husband.
I know the feeling. My husband no longer has the desire either and I keep thinking how can I continue my marriage without the affection? So sad!
(USA) I’ve read a lot of the comments and basically it boils down to the same thing I am having a problem with. I believe my case is beyond repair. We have had sexual problems for about 5 to 6 years, maybe longer. Years ago, when we started having problems, my husband could not maintain an erection, at all. He would watch porn and he says he gets satisfaction from it. I used to feel jealous but I just let it go at that. He used to be loving to me, massage me; it would really make me feel the need for sexual pleasure and it worked for a while. Then nothing.
We have been married for 47 years, daughters are grown, we are both retired. Everyone thinks we are so blessed and happy, but that is not the case. I have not had actual sexual satisfaction for years, yet I refuse to go outside my marriage for sex. My husband recently discovered he had prostate cancer. The doctor says he will probably have a problem having sex, but my husband didn’t tell him he has had a problem for years so this prostate thing gives him another reason to not be sexual with me.
I went on line and found this website, just out of frustration and embarrassment. I thought I could find someone who could satisfy my needs without having a relationship with them or even wondering if such a place, or person exists for women. It makes me think of a man who goes to a whore house to satisfy his needs. I love my husband and I would hate to do something like that behind his back. We don’t talk about sexual anything. Please help me.
I am also a Christian. I am a servant of the Lord. I play the piano for my church. I’ve prayed for a long time. Several men have approached me but it makes me sick to think that they could even have the nerve to approach me in that manner. Please help me. I am so emotional right now. I feel as though I have opened up something inside me that nobody but me and the Lord knows about. I hope I am doing the right thing asking for help.
(USA) My husband is not interested in me or sex. Really, the last time we were intimate, affectionate or had sex was on or wedding night. Mind you we have been married 40 plus years. Right ater the “I Dos” and the wedding night it was all over. From then on my husband moved all his things down to the lower level of our house, and thats where he lived all these years.
He even worked nights for 40 years to be away from me. He must be lonely he has no phone or computer, goes no where, hasn’t any friends. Very few people actually know I’m married. After all these years of hoping things might change, I’ve finally accepted my life as it is. I would dream that if there is another life for me to live it would be filled with love and affection, and strong hands and arms to hold me and protect me.
Sorry I would have left years ago. That is not a marriage!
I feel for you. It’s tough, I’m a 58 yr old woman and recently my husband of 12 yrs almost doesn’t show any affection towards me. I’m a well taken care of person. He says it’s “not me” but he can’t or doesn’t really think of kissing me or other stuff. He is 65 and taking hormone replacement, so go figure. I’m young and confused, blaming myself; what to do? I’ll try to not talk to him about it. He gets upset with me. I love and will do anything to repair this issue; he was always so sensuous, when will it or will he come around?
(USA) I have been married over 25 years we have 3 grown children. My wife was open to sex when we were dating and first married. Then when our first child was borne she was only interested in sex when she wants something.
I have openly talked about my wants and needs and she seems so disinterested, until she wants something. I cook, I clean, I shop for the food, I work full time. Yes, she works and also does hosework but has a lack of interest in my needs. I don’t force anything. After dinner tonight I spent a few hours watching TV with her and I asked, do you want to go to bed with me, only to hear again, I’m too tired for that, maybe tomorrow. You can only guess what won’t happen tomorrow.
I am so tired of it. I think though, I know it will be hard to work out. I think it’s best if I give up trying to please her and look for a outlet elsewhere. Most times I can’t even get a real hug out of her. I will never be able to figure out what makes a woman happy. Tired of bending, changing with no results.
It’s not you. I have the same problem with my husband! I want out but he doesn’t. I just don’t know how much longer I can stick in there! Help
(US) Wow all these Christian women are being neglected by their husbands. Guess what? I am a Christian man married 22 years to a Jewish woman, who has accepted Christ. I have been neglected by my Christian wife for the better part of that time. Seems to me that a lot of us made the wrong choice. Very sad for us.
Good for you and knowing how to treat your woman! There is one life we get to live and we should not have to spend it that unhappy.
I agree, but what can we do! I have 2 grand babies and just don’t know anymore about anything. I’m so unhappy ?!
(UNITED STATES) I have a friend whose husband could have sex more than 3 times a day. Both of them are in their 50’s and she feels guilty if she doesn’t accommodate him. She enjoys the sex but he is getting lazy and not satisfying her each time. Because she has a demanding job she would really like to cut down on the sex for more rest. His sex drive is very high and she doesn’t believe he should masturbate. Is there a supplement he could take which will curb his desires a bit?
(PAKISTAN) Hi, its been almost 2 years since we got married. It was a love marriage. We have a baby boy too. My husband has been involved in many relationships before and after marriage. Then we left the country.
But it has not stopped there. After catching him many times red-handed, talking to those ladies, he promised me that he will not do it again.
Its been 3-4 months that nothing like those affiars come across my eyes but now he has lost his urge for sex with me. He loves me and cares about me and our baby all the time. But sex is missing. I am getting very frustrated with this situation.
P.S. I’m 25 and he is 28 years old. Please help me. How can I make him come back to me? I miss it.