Doubts: I Now Realize That We Never Loved Each Other

No Love Leaving because of doubts Dollar photo _10120398.jpg“For most people, doubts begin with tiny hints, fleeting thoughts. ‘I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married my old boyfriend? I bet he wouldn’t take me for granted like my husband does!’ Sometimes these good feelings are simply neutralized, replaced by numbness. Sometimes they are malignantly transformed like healthy cells transmogrified into cancer cells, from feelings of love into feelings of contempt, distrust, and despair.”

“…There’s no more respect and trust between you. You can’t communicate. You’re always angry. You’re bored, numb, and you’re constantly on the defensive. Doubt can quickly turn into panic. ‘Time is passing —will my entire life be wasted because I made the wrong choice?’ Panic is often accompanied by depression. The future looks hopeless. Nothing fits, or makes sense, and nothing can be counted on anymore.” (Richard Matteson, Janis Long, from the book, What if I Married the Wrong Person)

Doubts Because of Absent Love

You’d be surprised how many people find themselves in this place. There are spouses who once thought they had married their “soul mate,” who are now in a marriage where one of them wants to leave. They believe the “love” they once thought they had just isn’t there any longer. Or maybe they believe they actually never loved their spouse.

“What do you do when you’re married, and you realize you aren’t in love?”

Author and speaker Sheila Wray Gregoire talks about these types of doubts in the following blog:


Sheila also talks in a video about marriage, when you realize you aren’t in love. In this video she answers a letter written to her by a gal who asks what to do about her “loveless” marriage situation. (Also make sure you read the helpful comments posted below this blogspot):


Just like Sheila explains, authors Richard Matteson and Janis Long describe this same dilemma, which you may be experiencing.

Concerning these types of doubts they write:

“…You may be at a place in your life where you’ve concluded that despite your good intentions, despite all of your hopes and dreams, despite what seemed like the right choice at the time, you married the wrong person. If this is your situation, you may have three choices of how to proceed. You can get divorced. You can force yourself to stay in the marriage despite the pain. Or you can consider the possibility that, instead of marrying the wrong person, you created the wrong marriage, and you can take steps to forge a new marriage to the same person.” (From the book, What if I Married the Wrong Person)

We’re hoping that if the above scenario is what you’re living through, you will make the choice to “forge a new marriage to the same person.” No one would ever testify that this would be easy. But God, whose very name means LOVE can teach you how to love the one you married. And making the DECISION to participate with God in this is a huge part of the mission.

“The world says, ‘If it feels good, do it. And when it doesn’t feel good anymore, leave.” God says, ‘I have made a covenant with you, and you have made a covenant with one another. I will give you what you need to keep that covenant.’ And our wedding rings stand as a symbol of that promise to one another before God.” (Marlene Bagnull, from the book: For Better, For Worse)


Look at your wedding ring as an inspiration to be faithful to the wedding vows you gave. Put your trust in God to help you keep your promises. Furthermore, trust Him to help you grow a new love for your spouse. As you join with God, “All things are possible.” But it will take intentionality and the continual decision to choose to show love despite your present feelings. Trust God to help you so your feelings will catch up with your loving actions.

As one author said,

“Love is not easy or simple. It is an art that I must want to learn and pour my life into. This principle corrects a common misconception, that it’s easy to love, requiring neither thought nor effort. In other words, that is just a matter of doing what comes naturally!

“The fact is that love is costly. It requires much from the lover even when the giving is pure joy. If you do what comes naturally you will be wrong almost every time. Again, the Bible has the information we need on how to love. The most concentrated lessons on the art of loving your mate can be found in the Song of Solomon.

“Love is an active power that I can control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. We are barraged by propaganda suggesting that love is an uncontrollable feeling that comes and goes like a wayward sparrow. Most of the boy-meets-girl plots of films and television are based on the premise that love is a feeling that just happens. Or else it doesn’t happen.

“The truth is that love is an active power that you were meant to control by your own will. You can choose to love. You can do what is necessary to restore love to your marriage, and you can refuse to be enslaved by passing emotions.

“…Most people consider feeling to be of supreme importance. But the truth is that reason —what you think about love —is what controls your behavior. The desired feelings come as a result of right thinking and right actions.” (Dr Ed Wheat, from the book, The Healthy Marriage Handbook by Marriage Partnership Magazine)

But How?

How do you “fall in love” with your spouse again (or even for the first time)? What do you do?

What we’ve learned (through own once “broken” marriage, and observing others who walked this journey) is that the principles for loving are the principles for living as outlined and talked about throughout the Bible. As you live by the guidance of the Holy Spirit —our “Wonderful Counselor” HE will teach you how to love your spouse in a way that you have never known before.

Author Nancy Kennedy testifies that she and her husband “never should have married.” But in her article she explains “what we did about it.” I believe you will find it helpful to read:

Did We Make a Mistake in Marrying?

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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21 responses to “Doubts: I Now Realize That We Never Loved Each Other

  1. (SOUTH AFRICA) I am married for 23 years. This is a very short version of my life. I developed an addiction for gambling 8 years ago. When my husband found out about it he wanted to leave me. We discussed it and he said he will stay only if I would go for therapy. I agreed to it but he never wanted to join me in counselling, said it was my problem.

    Since then he constantly brought up the gambling and started to abuse me emotionally. It caused problems in our relationship in so many ways, fighting over finances, family, our sex life deteriorated. I lost my mother and sister in this time. He started to drink more and would then want to be intimate after that. My daughter was then raped in December 2008 and my husband accused me of it being my fault. I became depressed and ended up in a clinic for depression. My husband still refused to join me for counselling.

    I decided that I am going to leave him. He still refused to go for counselling but wants me to give him another chance. My love for him is gone. I don’t have any feelings left for him. He said that we must give our lives to God and our marriage will change. I do have a relationship with God and know He can change anything but I still feel I cannot stay in this marriage.

  2. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Well, this web site was introduced to me by a friend and I think I need it. Especially now that I need to know all that I need to know for my marriage to be better. I am actually not in a good frame of mind to discuss anything now, but later. Regards, Wale

  3. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Good day, You actually have a pathetic case but none-the-less there lots of lessons to learn for other people. From all indications your husband is not saved yet? But see, you must have learned by now that you have a responsibility to mentor him for Christ. Where is your first love? No matter the case may be, you exemplify Christ in your to him. Your behaviour must be right so he may be attracted by the love of Christ -remember He died for you to be saved. So,what more do you need to be told?

    If you value the love of Christ then you would not abandon the marriage because that is against the will of God. God has turned the man back to you. So go back and finish. Wale.

  4. (USA)  I read this again, as I heard those words, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” from my ex-wife.

    What I caution every reader is not to assume your spouse feels the same way. Just because you are defensive, or feel like you don’t love your spouse, don’t assume he doesn’t love you.

    So I doubt anyone can realize we never loved each other. That implies mind reading. You can probably say with some credibility that I never loved my spouse. But you can never really know if your spouse never loved you based on what YOU feel or think.

    That’s a dangerous approach and you may end up destroying your own family if you allow yourself to assume you know what someone else is thinking.

    Additionally, even if your spouse says they never loved you, then what. Do they mean it? They probably do, right now. But they probably meant they loved you when they said they did. So you do have to take it as their current perspective. But that doesn’t mean it’s permanent.

    So don’t tell them they don’t. Simply understand and accept that’s how they currently feel and think. Acceptance isn’t agreement, it’s simply understanding and respecting that this is how the other person feels. Rejecting what they are saying will do no good and will probably make the situation worse for your relationship.

  5. (GERMANY) I just came to the internet to see what kind of help I can get to help my marriage. Me and my husband have been going through a misunderstanding for 2 weeks straight on different minor issues. We used to have issues before but now it’s 2 weeks straight. And he believes he doesn’t do anything wrong that I am to blame for all the problems. He even suggested I tell my mother, which I don’t want to do. We live in the same house like 2 sworn enemies. And even before now we can stay 3 weeks without sleeping together. I am slowly falling out of love. What do I do?

  6. (USA) It has now been a little over 8 months since my 18 year old daughter passed away. What does this have to do with marriage, you ask? Plenty, we were married two weeks prior, our lives have been in turmoil and disbelief. He never had the “Bride” he wanted nor I the “husband” that I need (especially now). I am angry, hurt and ask God “when will my grief get better or end? Our marriage is filled with resentment and blame. No, she was not his daughter but he would like me to “hurry up and get over it.” How do I love a man who has said that?

    During the first few months of my daughter passing my husband pressured me for sex. I couldn’t and didn’t feel sexual. He on the other hand took that as rejection. To try to make things better I drank in order to be intimate with him, but quickly learned that was not the answer. Yes, this is a selfish man and for that my love quickly turned to disgust. Now we fight regularly and can hardly go a day without harsh words. I have turned toward my faith and a Christ centered grief group. This helps me but has done very little for my husband or our marriage. Why can’t my husband be the man I need him to be?

    1. Margo, It’s difficult to even know how to reach out to you. Your pain I’m sure, knows no bounds. Losing a child has got to be the worst thing anyone can go through –it’s beyond your comprehension how to wrap your mind around the horror of it all and think of going on with your life, when the one you love so deeply can no longer do that –except in your memories. I’m so, so sorry. I have been crying with you and praying for you since reading what you wrote last night.

      I’ve also been praying about what to write to you because I sense that I’m supposed to reach out to you. But words come clumsily (and I may say this all wrong), because there aren’t human words to describe how much I wish you never had to go through this (just as you do, and much more-so). How I wish there was a “re-do” button that we could use to stop things as they are and go back to the time when they weren’t. And I wish there was a button we could push that would stop the pain of grief –oh, how I wish that. But there is none. The truth is that we live in a fallen world and tragically the death of loved ones is part of it. Again, I’m so, so sorry.

      I’m glad though, that you have turned toward your faith and a Christ-centered grief group. Those are two steps I would have recommended. The pain you’re experiencing needs to be shared with those who understand -those who can cry with you. They can’t fix it and make it go away, but there is solace in having others around who understand and care. And sometimes they can help us to figure out little things, that can help in some ways.

      The added tragedy is that you and your husband barely got through your “I do’s” and he hardly had the chance to know what it’s like to be your husband and you, to be his wife, when this slammed into your lives together. It’s like a head-on collision. The newness of your marriage relationship has just added to the confusion going on in your lives –yours especially, but his too, because you are his wife and he doesn’t know how to help you or know how to sort all of this out. Please know that there are SO MANY THINGS going against your marriage right now. Remarriages have a much higher chance of failure than 1st marriages. Then you pile on top of that the fact that marriages of couples who lose children have a huge failure rate, as well. Somehow in the tragedy of it all, couples seem to distance themselves, they stop being able to understand each other –little things start to eat away at them individually, and they eventually turn on each other, like enemies instead of partners. I’m sure that a big part of this is because their needs are so great that in all of the confusion and pain, they’re at odds within themselves and then become at odds with each other. It’s very complex.

      I don’t say this to “doom” your marriage, but to give you a “heads up.” Sometimes when we’re aware of something, it gives us more of an opportunity to better stop it from over-taking us. You ask “why can’t my husband be the man I need him to be?” I have a couple of thoughts on this. Please prayerfully consider them. The first is, he most likely doesn’t know how to be that husband. He thought, before all of this happened, that he knew how to be the man you wanted, because he was, but then this was dumped upon your lives. You’re angry and he’s probably angry too, for different reasons. He wants to “fix” this and yet he can’t. I’m sure he WANTS to be the husband you want, but he doesn’t know how to be… and I’m not sure you know what you want either. Your emotions have to be shifting all over the place –not knowing WHAT you want, except to have your daughter back, which isn’t possible on this side of heaven, except in your memories.

      Also, he probably wonders, “why can’t she be the wife I need her to be?” He married one woman and since all of this happened, another woman, so deeply engulfed in grief and anger and shifting emotions appears. It’s definitely not your fault. Your world has just gotten turned upside down. But it’s also not his fault either for not knowing what to do with all of this. His emotions, and his need to feel emotionally and physically connected to you are all in a state of confusion, as well. I’m sure he questions all that is going on in different ways, just as you’re grappling with your emotions and questions. And how you both handle them are very different –not wrong, but different. Unless there’s blatant sin involved, we’ve got to give each other that much. Grace is GREATLY needed.

      It’s difficult to explain the physical desire your husband has for you. It took me a lot of years to understand that with my husband, as well. But it goes beyond just the physical desire, and has to do with the emotional connection a husband can feel for his wife when all the world is crazy out there. Wives are wired differently and so it seems uncaring and unnerving –especially in times like these.

      Right now, you are doing good by going to a grief group. You may need to go to a type of grief counselor, as well –one who is marriage-friendly. There are a lot of counselors who don’t know how to do both. But it’s important. You want to make sure that your immediate need of working through your grief is tended to (much like someone who is having a heart-attack needs that tended to right away), but you also need to make sure that your marriage (another important aspect of your life) doesn’t go down in the process. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this right, but somehow, a truce needs to be called. You both need to learn how to turn toward each other, and not away from each other, and certainly not at each other. This will be difficult. You may want to read the article, “A Child’s Death Changes Everything,” which you’ll find in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” topic on this web site. Others, who have walked a similar journey may be able to help you get a better perspective on everything.

      Again Margo, please know that my heart goes out to you. Pray about what I’ve written. I may be off about this or that… perhaps God will show you something different, or perhaps He will confirm points of truth. I don’t know. But I do know that hope is possible. Others, even though we can’t wrap our minds around it, have survived the horrible loss of a child, and others have been able to salvage their marriages and make them into good ones, despite everything. I hope this for you. You won’t be the first one who is climbing this difficult mountain. I pray strength for you and insight, grace, and help and gentle lights of hope along the way. I know that many are praying for you (I even contacted some myself, on your behalf). We cry with you, mourn for you, and pray for you. May God comfort you and may you feel His comfort.

      1. (UNITED STATES) Cindy, It has taken some time to respond as I have been in counseling and working on my marriage as well as my grief. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I have considered and prayed over what you said and for so many more things. My life is truly turned upside down. I am learning to love again and try to see what it is that God might be telling me. I have stopped focusing on my husband’s issues and kept it completely on myself. Please don’t make the mistake in thinking that I don’t spend time with my husband or do things with him or for him …I do.

        I have discovered that although I love my husband I am not in love with him. Long before my daughter’s passing their was someone that I loved but denied myself the possibilities of ever having that love. After all I thought to myself “I don’t deserve it”. My problems are not my husbands; these are things that only God can fix. Now, how can I say that to him? I’m truly grateful and want only to respect my husband. It is with great certainty that giving him this news will hurt him in ways I cannot repair. Another factor to consider is only 3 weeks ago my husband received news that his father had passed. He is devastated. How can I possibly tell him he is not the love I desire? One tragedy to the next. I know God wants to teach us perseverance, but I am really tired.

        As the 1st anniversary of my daughter’s death quickly approaches my heart is in pain and I feel that I am slowly slipping back into the dark abyss (12-31). I feel completely and totally engulfed and cannot figure out how I can possibly comfort him, when I can barely deal with myself.

  7. (USA) My husband and I are both saved and it appeared we had a good relationship. We dated several years and have been married for many. Early on, I felt he was emotionally and intimately disconnected to an atypical degree and found out several years in that he was addicted to porn way before we met. He had been living a lie to me the whole time. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and didn’t want the added stress of being a single mom on top of all the emotions associated with what I found out and what I meant for the future.

    Then there was the somewhat typical addiction cycle of confrontation, denial, promises (statements) about change, more lies, backsliding, ect. After being caught in a lie about his whereabouts, I decided I’d had enough and mentally accepted the option of leaving the marriage. He agreed to counseling and 1/2 participated (rarely followed through on his own). He says he has repented and changed but with all the lies he’s told, I’m just tired of trying and spending time and effort checking his computer, etc. I feel I was deceived from the beginning and probably would never have married him if God had allowed me to know this in the beginning.

    I don’t trust him, there’s no real intimacy and I don’t really love him anymore. I think we’re just not compatible and I’m really considering keeping up the facade, going through the motions and leaving when my child is older. I’ve looked at the research on the impact of divorce on kids and am working through which is worst -having them witness a loveless marriage or have a broken home. I don’t know if I was wrong in not leaving when I saw no evidence of true repentance; I just feel don’t want to make another big mistake. I’m constantly praying for guidance and strength to endure (God has been my rock) but sometimes I’d like to let my guard down. My human side just would like to be genuinely loved.

  8. (SOUTH AFRICA) I have been with my husband for 11 years but only married for 1 and a halve years. We have a beautiful 3 yr old and whom I would do anything to protect. Maybe it is me but we have always argued about trivial things and it always end up being my fault that accordoding to him anyway. He always says that I do not respect him and treat him like the man in the house. His version of respect is me agreeing with whatever he says.

    Over the pass few years I’ve been trying to explain to him unsuccessfully that having a difference of opinion does not mean that I disrespect him. The worse part is that 3 weeks after my wedding I found out that he has a daughter about a year younger than my daughter. This nearly killed me. However, I forgave him and decided to carry on with the marriage knowing that this child was conceived at the very time that I needed him the most with a 9 month old baby and he had all the excuses why he could not support me.

    After this he started drinking less and staying home most of the time. However, for the last two months we have not spoken much as he once again felt that my difference in opinion was disrespecting him. He decided to go work 1500km from home for a month without discussing it with me. And in the month phoned home twice to speak to my daughter whom by then was asking after him daily. On his return he found my wedding rings hanging in the kitchen where he knows I normally put it when cleaning my house. However, he took it and when asked about it he said that I don’t wear it when he’s not there so he took it cause I don’t deserve it. I refused to wear it again two days later he came to apologies profusely for being unfair. A day later he asked me why I’m not wearing the rings again only to see that he is looking at the wrong hand and finger.

    All seemed fine afterwards until I returned home from a week long business trip and found him at home where I joined him in bed before picking up my daughter from crèche. Coming back he asked me why I was not wearing my rings of which I showed that it’s on my finger. He then insisted that I was not wearing them when I got home and the funny part is that I’ve been working with a colleague on that day on my way home and we were actually discussing the rings on my finger. After this, things just went down hill. He leaves the house without his ring and without saying where he’s going, coming back drunk late at night and not going to work.

    Now I used to be a very spiritual person. However, I have strayed from the path a bit although I do still go to church and pray regularly. This Sunday I proceeded to go on my knees and asked God to guide me into making right decisions, to show me the way. On checking his cell phone this evening I realized that he is seeing another women who obviously doesn’t know that he’s married. He’s been picking her up from work and seeing her. I messages her on his phone and she thinking it’s him, answered when I finally got the nerve to call. When she heard me telling her I’m his wife she dropped the phone and messaged him back asking who was on his phone.

    I confronted him about it and he turned violent. I had to call the police. The worse part is that even tho my 3 yr old came running out he continued to attack me. She is so traumatized however, I feel that this is a message from God and I cannot subject her to more of this. I feel that he was just looking for reasons not to wear his rings to do what he is doing. How will I trust anything that he says now anyways? I’ve been lying and thinking and realized that all the things that he ever did to me just built up and has turned into hatred. I think of all the times that I’ve had to keep quiet and not say anything because he might feel insulted, and how I waited up at night while he comes in in the morning drunk causing trouble at home.

    I am so tired, drained emotionally, and scared –not for myself but for my baby. She’s been repeating all the bad things that he said to me and she keeps on asking who fought with me? The more I try to say that daddy and I were just playing the more she insists that he was hurting me. He left my house now and then she even told me that me must not come back. I had to hold my tears back when she asked if my back hurts cause he pushed me so hard and if I’m sad now. How do I even begin to deal with making it better for her? God, please help me through this.

  9. We’ve been together for 47 years and right from the beginning we never really loved each other.

    What drew us together I never will understand. We have never had sex, togetherness, slept, had dinner or socially went out together. We live on the same piece of property but I have the house, and he has an apartment thing in his garage. We both wasted our entire marriage and life without no body.

  10. After 10 years of trying to love my husband (I married out of necessity, not love) I’m at a point of giving up. I simply want out now. 10 years of my and my son’s precious life I gave to a man who’s still scared of his mother and father. I don’t feel he ever genuinely loved my son. He claims to love me but does nothing to cultivate a relationship. I’m tired of putting forth all the effort. Today I earnestly prayed to God to help me to stop prolonging the misery and please get me out of here. It’s not just a bad time. I can say I don’t love him even on the most happy and positive day. I don’t, won’t and never did.

    1. SL, As a Christian woman who has felt the disparities cast on her by society because I chose to try and work on my marriage when my husband was verbally abusive and unsafe, I would tell you that the best choice you can make is the one that gives your heart peace at the end of the day. God knows the inner sanctuary of your heart and only He can judge what is right or wrong for you and your son.

      I won’t tell you what the outcome of my story is because that is something deeply personal that required as much strength as I have ever put forth in my entire life. Needless to say, there is not a day that goes by that I regret the choice I made based on my prayers to God, my study of the scripture and the counseling I provided my own heart during that time. No one… let me repeat that… NO ONE has the ability to tell you to stay or leave the marriage. This is your decision, this is your choice based on the covenant you have with God. Do not seek validation from the outside world because they will have their own opinions and judgements of you.

      The only opinion that matters is that of your Savior and that, which you have of yourself. (They should be one and the same because God loves you infinitely and you should love yourself as well because you are a beautiful creation of the universe.) I hope that helps. Stay strong and remember that you are not alone. Love exists in all places, at all times, for all people because of God. :-)

    1. Maybe it’s not as much of a “mistake” as you believe right now. Maybe if you pray and apply the principles throughout the Bible (especially in 1 Corinthians 13), and become students of marriage, God can help you turn this “mistake” into a blessing for you and those around you. Please pray about this.

  11. My husband of 27 years left me 2 1/2 years ago. A divorce is what he wants and another woman is what he has. Upon reflection of our very rocky marriage, I realize, when I fought tooth and nail, heatedly for love, affection and attention, I pushed him away farther. But all I ever wanted was for him to love me and let me love him. He didn’t and he wouldn’t. Our 5 kids were raised in a battle zone and we’re reaping there, what we sowed.

    I’ve prayed for years for grace and mercy, forgiveness and any kind of restoration. It never came. Now he insists we never should have married, we never belonged together or to each other and he hasn’t considered me his wife for years and there will never be any kind of recociliation, only a divorce. He’s even recently tried to explain his new woman to our children. I don’t know why I can’t believe it nor let go. I experienced nothing but shame, lonliness and constant rejection for so long that it nearly drove me to suicide.

    I must add too, that in our 27 yr marriage, for the last 10 years, there was no physical intimacy, though I sometimes even begged for it. He refused to even sleep in the same room with me all those years. This at one point lead to my having an affair, which also lends to my guilt and shame. He says he never cared about the affair and at the time always told me to find someone else because he didn’t want me…and that not having cared about that affair was a sign he ignored that we never should have been together. I repented long ago and asked for forgiveness but never found it from him really.

    He still to this day though, throws that and my faith in my face and laughs at me, saying I’m not a real Christian. That hurts too, because at one time he professed to be a Christian and I don’t understand how a man who served God at one time could possibly be so cruel and not understand God’s grace and mercy.

    I turned myself inside out and pleaded with him and God to change his heart and mind. God did not answer that prayer and my husband refused that and all requests and pleadings for prayer and counseling. The world says leave, move on, divorce is the answer. And I have no choice really, he is pushing the issue. But I believe in a God of miracles and healing. I feel like a fool to want a man who always emotionally abused me and worse, I don’t know how to move on and even with the pain and abandonment, I’ve always loved him and can’t believe he never loved me.

    Our family is fractured and destroyed, the anger issues feel insurmountable. Two of our adult children are drug addicts with 1 in and out of jail and the other serving a long prison sentence. I’m raising my 3 small grandchildren alone now and the last of our own children. I’m over worked and under stress. With no other family and great sorrow, regret and shame for failing God and my children. I’m so tired of feeling like I did everything wrong and deserve this punishment for my sins.

  12. I’m currently living in a loveless marriage. My husband never truly loved me and I knew it before we got married. I’m now a very angry person and hate what I’ve become. My 2 children are constantly seeing us fight and it’s not good for them. I need advice. Please help.

  13. I did not create a deceitful, lying, calculating and manipulative spouse, one so narcissistic, he can’t see his way out of the hole he has dug for himself and our marriage.

  14. Most instances, love is absent going into the marriage to begin with. Sure some people make bad judgements and betray their marriage which causes immense grief that is very hard to overcome. But most people who lose that “love” were never really in love. If they were truly in love they wouldn’t have let it get to the point it has become. Many people look at love as something that is a possession; something to receive.

    Love is what you put into it, not what you get out of it. An example is my sister-in law married her husband because she admired his ambition, that he could cook, and that he was so romantic. There are all things she could receive from him. But when she realized that his ambition was fueled by insecurity, that he hurt many people to attain whatever status he wanted in life, or the many other flaws that he had… all if a sudden she wondered what she got herself into. She was so “in love” at one point. The reality of it is she never really loved him to begin with. To truly love someone is the action of wanting to work at your relationship. You love that person even with their faults… not just their strengths.

    The true feeling of love is much more than this infatuated love that people often mistake. It is much more rewarding and if you truly love someone you will work at your marriage regardless – not walk away from it.