Erasing People from Our Lives

Erasing People Pixabay CanvaI’ve been noticing a lot lately how many people are pushing others away from their lives. They determine that they have no need of certain people. So they eliminate these people’s ability to be able to be a part of their lives any longer. It’s their way of erasing people —at least certain ones, from any interaction, what-so-ever. They don’t need them, like them, and/or love them any longer, so they’re out! They turn their backs to them as if they no longer exist.

Erasing People

I’ve been watching spouses dump out of marriages with the (now common) excuse “I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you.” So they justify leaving them. Then they push their spouse entirely out of their life. They then build a new life so the “in love” feeling is able to spark anew with someone else. Forget the broken vows, and broken hearts they leave behind. And forget the broken, and confused children, other family members and friends that are forced to struggle to make sense of it all. But as they often say, “God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy.” It’s amazing that somehow they don’t connect the dots that now THESE people are unhappy. Does God only want the one person happy, but the rest don’t matter?

I’ve been watching families and friends splitting apart because certain “members” don’t feel the same love, and/or commonality for each other as they once did. They claim that they “grew apart.” So they push away parents, siblings, other family members, friends, or whoever they don’t want in their lives anymore. They then say, “it will be best for all if we split.” This is posed as if it’s the “kind” thing to do. Hmmm… where do we go to vote on what’s best for “all” and what’s TRULY the “kind” thing to do? Obviously, no where, because it’s being done regardless.

In this blog, I just want to bring this to the forefront. I don’t think much light is being brought to focus on this newer “happening” that I’m seeing happen lately.

Erasing People Isn’t Entirely New

Sure, families have broken up through the centuries. And sure, there are some people we need to back away from because of their toxicity and their abusive ways. But I’m talking about this happening in epidemic numbers to good families. These are good people who WANT to work out the conflicting issues in their lives together. And yet they aren’t given the chance. NOPE! One person decides for all. And everyone else has to pick up the pieces. This one person has decided that the task of tolerating or reconciling their differences, isn’t worth it to them. So that’s that! That person is erased as if they don’t exist.

And what’s REALLY distressing is that many of these people say that they are “Christians.” They believe that God is supporting them in this decision. This is happening even though it doesn’t line up scripturally in any way. It is like they believe that God has written a new rule for them. It may not be for anyone else, but it is for them.

This really hit me as I was reading the scripture in John 17:21-23. It’s where Jesus is praying to our Heavenly Father:

…that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.

The Mission of Working Through Differences

What that tells me is that God desires that we “become one” as Believers. We are to work THROUGH our differences. We are to persevere as we’re told to do in the Bible. (See James 5:3-4 and Romans 5:3-4.) This is ESPECIALLY true as it pertains to marriage where we’re told to “cleave together as one.

If we don’t apply tenaciousness in persevering through our differences, we aren’t following God’s commands. And if we aren’t working together “to love as we are loved” in all our ugliness and sin, giving grace as God gives us grace, then we can’t call ourselves followers of Christ. That is because we aren’t following the ways of Christ. We’re doing our thing, not His.

God KNOWS it is tough for us to love others. I’m sure it is tough for Him to love us many, many times. But He tells us to tough it out anyway so we reflect the “oneness” and love that He wants the world to experience. We are His witnesses of His love for everyone. He wants to give to them love and grace, just as He has given it to us. We are to be a living picture of that love.

Erasing People Does Not Extend Grace

But what happens when we go off dumping and erasing one another? What happens when we are seeking an ever-changing “happiness” and the FEELING of love? Just what does that tell those who are witnessing our words and our actions? We call ourselves “followers” of Jesus Christ, and yet we do these things. Won’t that bring up questions in their minds as we erase, dump, and seek feelings? Won’t they question, “Just who is this Jesus, anyway? Is He credible if His followers do the opposite of who He is?”

Yes He is, DESPITE those who abuse His grace; He IS credible. That is a fact, despite the abuses of HIs followers.

When we “fall out of love” or when we aren’t feeling the love we believe we should for others, it takes real faith in God to stay faithful. It takes the application of perseverance and tenacity not to give up doing things God’s way.

We’re told in James 1:2-4, to “know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness [or perseverance]. And let steadfastness [or perseverance] have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Persevering Is Painful

I won’t lie; I don’t like persevering. Usually it means that I will have to step outside of my comfort zone. I will have to do that, which I don’t want to do, more often I would ever want. But I know it’s the right thing to do. I want to reveal and reflect the love of God continually as a follower of Christ. And even when that means that I have to stretch and grow farther than I think I should, then so be it. I will.

Jesus did that for me, and He did that for you. He didn’t pursue His happiness, when He came to this garbage pit called Earth (in comparison to the beauty of Heaven). And He didn’t pursue His will or pleasure when He died on the cross for my sin, and for yours. So why can’t I stretch outside of my comfort zone? Why can’t I allow the Lord to love through me as He shows me to those I don’t want to?

Prayerful Questions and Challenges

So, let me ask you this (as I have asked myself). Are you trying to erase people from your life that God would not want you to? I’m talking about erasing a spouse, or a family member, or someone else. These are people that God wants YOU to show His love to, even if that love isn’t reciprocated. Think about it. I’m not talking about abusive situations, but rather ones in which the “feeling” may not be there for them right now. After all, God’s name means LOVE. Who better to teach you to love than God, Himself?

Think about it… pray about it. I am. Won’t you join me? And even if you’re not having a problem in this area of life, is there someone God may want you to talk to about this issue? Again, think about it… pray about it. Together, we CAN make a difference if we allow God’s Light to shine through!

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.

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Filed under: Communication and Conflict Marriage Blog

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9 responses to “Erasing People from Our Lives

  1. I have someone trying to erase me. This resonates. My husband says he is unhappy so he left! We have been married 31 years. He just became born again and appears to be ok with the obvious conflict in his own faith. Thanks for your article.

    1. My heart breaks for you Joann… after 31 years. WOW! We have a grown son who has erased us from his life with no big issues causing this –so, so sad. The tears never stop. But God is faithful even when others are not. He knows what it is like –He can relate because He has many that He loves, who try to erase Him from their lives. Lean upon Him to minister to your heart needs. I don’t know how anyone could get through this without leaning upon and looking to Him. Please know that I care and pray for you. “The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18) “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4)

      1. Thank you for your insight. I’m very confused by his contradictory behavior. I’m sorry for your son what’s indeed is this happenings out there? I was not raised that way. It seems as though any slight is a reason to create a wall.

  2. Oh Cindy, You’ve hit a hot button in Christian circles today. It seems the world has had more influence on the church than vice versa in this area. Commitment at all costs is fine unless the cost becomes more than we bargained for. I’m sorry for your experience in this area, but God isn’t wasting your tears. He has a plan and He is working it for your good. One day we’ll understand, but until then–thank you for the way you are glorifying God through your tears. He is faithful. Love you dearly, Debi

    1. Thanks Debi. God is using the pain we’ve been experiencing to better understand the depth of pain that so many others feel when they are being erased by a family member –whether it’s a “child” or a spouse. The depth of pain is unimaginable when you go through something like this, especially when it makes no sense to us. But like I said, this seems to be happening in epidemic proportions. Every time I turn around I hear or read of someone else who is being torn apart because they are being erased from the life of someone they love. This is happening to Christians as well as those outside of the faith –so, so, so sad. But thank God that as you lean into Him, He brings comfort, light, and hope that life won’t stop, even though your heart is broken. God is so very good.

      Thanks my friend for your love, support and prayers… you are an incredible friend. Love you back :)

  3. I have been divorced from my second wife for 29 years now and she has remarried and has been for twenty some odd years while I have remained single. I have one son from this marriage and no children from the first marriage. She lives in Mississippi and I live in New York. I am now 62 years old and my ex-wife, Risa, is 51. My son Phil is 31 and he lived with Risa and her husband from the time he was around 5 until the age of 20. Phil now lives, with his wife and kids, in the next town from where I live. My son has severed all contact from his mom because of physical/mental abuse he allegedly suffered from the stepdad. She denies that this ever happened and says Phil is lying while Phil says she is lying. She contacted me to see if I could help reestablish the relationship between those two but got annoyed because she was being difficult and bringing up the past.

    I thought she would be more appreciative that we started communicating again but I ended up unfriending her because it was causing discomfort and told her to let go of the past. She finally is going to write Phil to get him back in her life but I feel she does not really want me in the picture at all and feel that I need to exclude her from my life; forgive her yes but let her live her life and let me live mine. What do you think should be done if your ex-spouse does not want any kind of a relationship? Should my son sever call ties with his mom?

  4. As a result of all of what I listed below my story, I’m currently recently divorced from the love of my life. I love her so much. We got lost in the devils lies believing that it was all about us and in order to be happy we need to be divorced.

    I’m praying for a reconciliation with my precious wife now ex-wife, specifically what Im praying for you will find directly below:
    – We both need to get right with Him when it comes to the fact that as a result of our past relationships/people etc.., we both have/had so much bitterness, anger, resentment.
    – We both need to have the bitterness, anger and resentment we have towards each other to be healed
    – I’m praying that God works on both of our hearts that once we allow God to heal our souls(resentment, bitterness etc), then this would then allow allow our new nature to be back in charge.
    – I’m praying that God would then allow us to re-energize/rebuild our Christian character combined with new nature in charge, taking and using the fruit of the spirit as the foundation for this rebuilding process.
    -I’m praying for her that God would soften her heart in general but towards me in particular.
    -I’m praying for her well being. I’m praying that God will heal all of her hurts past and present.
    -I’m praying that through His word using the scriptures that are obvious and that He lays on our heart, that He would show us individually even though we are divorced we need this, how to be a husband, how to be a wife, how to come together as husband and wife under His authority, how to forgive, how to allow and help each other be better Christians.
    -I’m praying that we would follow God’s plan and not our plan for reconciliation. Honestly this cant even begin to happen until we allow the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts, our lives, and becoming what He wants to be as a Christian when it comes to being in a relationship.
    – I”m praying most of all that God brings me back to being Christ centered and honoring, He works in my life, ingraining the fruit of the into my character.

    My story is below…thank you for taking time to read/listen:

    I’m thankful for this article…We faced so many different issues..I lost my first wife who I loved dearly to cancer. I then met the love of my life, my soulmate.

    After a 9 month courtship, we got married. I didn’t realize the extent of how much she had been hurt in the past emotional… mental abuses perpetrated upon her by her former ex husband and other relationships. She is a very guarded individual. She never let me completely in to trust me completely even though until I got frustrated.

    I had never given her a reason to not trust. I honestly didn’t know how to communicate to and with her. We never could sit down to discuss basic things much less the deeper level things that she was dealing with. In turn, I got offended and I shutdown. I love her with all my heart. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to comfort and give comfort to her. I made a lot of investments into our relationship.

    In the end, I believe the emotional and mental pains, hurts (some that I caused by my shutting down) that she had stored up for so long were so painful combined with my behavior of shutting down. We didn’t know how to fix it. We started listening to the devil’s lie that if you aren’t happy, you should be happy and you need to make yourself happy. You don’t need to be together.

    God brought us together in a divine way. I still believe with all my heart that God wants us to be together and fulfill His plan for our lives. I believe that God has given us His special love the Love of Christ. I believe that God wants to heal us and one day come back together as husband and wife.

    Can you please pray with me? Thank you!

  5. A very insightful article, Cindy. Sadly, this is exactly what I am going through with my wife too.

    We are told to love our neighbour, and Jesus explains this with the parable of the Good Samaritan. The Good Samaritan was a good neighbour. The people who see the injured man first are not; they are ‘bad’ neighbours. And what did the bad neighbours do? They knew the man was there but pretended he wasn’t. In refusing to see the man, they we’re erasing him.

    1. I’m so sorry Andrew. This is indeed heartbreaking. And to have our spouse do this to us it makes this especially grievous. My heart goes out to you. I pray your wife opens her eyes to see that you want to love her and want to be loved by her.

      I don’t know what closed her spirit to you. There are so many things… they could be real or imagined. But as you pray (which we know you do), ask Him what closed her spirit and what you can do to help it to open again. And then do it. Prayer involves petitioning God and listening to what He has to say. It is a two-way conversation. Pray that God would show you how to live as He would have you–that is a personal relationship involvement. And also pray that God would show you how to live in such a way that will open your wife’s spirit, now and in the future. That will take consistent living for a lifetime. It’s not just a matter of living a certain way UNTIL your wife opens her spirit. It’s living as God would have you for the rest of your life. Even if your wife won’t respond to your or to the Lord’s promptings, you are still leaning into healthy living.

      In addition–to help you (and in your growing relationship with the Lord)… lean into the Lord. It’s the safest place to lean. Go deep in your relationship with Him and you will see that He will lead you to places of peace, despite all that is going on around you (or isn’t going on around and with you). He will help you to find good things you can do that will help you. He is a safe place to land.

      I pray God comforts you, brings good people your way for fellowship, and ministers to your every need and opens your wife’s eyes. With all my heart I pray: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 15:13) “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.” (Colossians 1:11) “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)