After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
So this article is saying that I should just have sex with my husband whenever he wants it regardless of whether I want it? Seriously.
You need to ask God to give you that desire for him in that moment. Bible says that’s a door for the enemy o come into you’re marriage and destroy it.
So, Angie, what YOU’RE saying is that you should only have sex on the days YOU want it, regardless of when he wants it? Seriously?!?
Yes. Men should only get sex when women want sex. Why are women sex slaves to men in Christianity? The reason women don’t want sex is because sex isn’t for women. Like this article says it’s a one way street. She gives, he takes. He has perminate needs, she has temporary wants.
He doesn’t have to respect her choices he can pressure, bully and maybe even coerce her into complying with what he wants. She certainly doesn’t have to enjoy the sex act.
Female choice, desire, arousal, pleasure and orgasm, and feelings and boundaries are a sin and an act against God in Christian marriages. That’s why women don’t like sex, because sex is something for men to use women for, nothing to do with interacting. Intercourse is a nice euphemism but that’s all it is.
Some non Western Christian men from cultures that highly prize women and motherhood don’t think this way, but conservative Western Christians men usually do.
A woman enjoys sex to extend she’s an active participant. That requires a controlling say in whether or not sex happens. That means ones desire, and feelings are essential to the process, not an abusibe nusaince used to defraud your husband of his right to get off on your body when ever he wants how ever he wants whether you like it or not.
YES… YES …YES and YES! Men want sex; it is important to us like eating and sleeping. I don’t understand why this is a hard concept for women.
I lived basically a sexless marriage. I guess it must have started after my 1st son was born. So when it came time to conceive for my second child 2 years later… (I remember praying to God that I did not want to do this.)
My husband is a VERY good man but something happened and I no longer had any desire for him whatsoever. And to this day I do not know what happened to our relationship, but I was not happy in our marriage. I felt that something was wrong with me. When my youngest son, we divorced. My sons are now 19 and 17 years old and I love both of them so very much. And I am still quite close with him.
I have now married again. I was extremely reluctant to enter into marriage again because I don’t want to ruin another man’s life. Prior to my current husband I had no desire to be with another man or even another relationship. But something was different about this man. He woke up feelings that I had lost years ago. I feel like I am in high school again. Our sex life is out of this world. I cannot get enough of my new husband. This November will be our fourth wedding anniversary. I now know how a good healthy sex life is vital to a strong, happy marriage.
I’m so sad that you were not able to get the help and insight you needed to be able to get to this place in your first marriage. Desire CAN come back… I know that firsthand, and have seen it repeatedly in the lives of other spouses. I’m sorry you never got to that place. I’m also sad that your sons never got to see their parents rebuild their marriage into a strong one. But I pray for you and your ex-husband, that God will help you both to carry on with your separate lives and build good ones. It sounds like you are doing that.
I pray if things get to a place where you are “not happy” in your marriage, that you hang in there and work to get it to that place. It is always God’s desire that we do that within our first marriage. But since that is no longer possible, make sure with this marriage, that you pull out all stops to make this one work in ways that are God-honoring, persevering through whatever comes your way. May you be blessed.
Hi Cindy, Thank you for your loving kind words. I do feel bad for my ex, but I still see and am a very much a part of his and both of my boys life.
Though I am not sure if my boys will ever accept my new husband and his girls will they accept me? I guess time will tell. I just know I have never been happier. I truly believe my current husband was a gift to me from God. I thank God every night for giving me such a wonderful, loving man that loves me. God Bless you too… ❤
If you LOVE your husband and he is important to you, just giving him sex is not good enough. If you do not reciprocate and truly want him, he will know and your relationship will wither.
I am speaking from my own experience. So please if you value your marriage, find some way to find that spark that brought you together in the first place before it is too late.
I’ve read a lot of comments posted. I’m a faithful husband of 37 years. The article is well written and right on target. The facts are true whether someone likes them or not. Both husbands and wives have needs and both partners must work hard to satisfy each other’s needs. The best way to begin in meeting each other’s sexual needs to have open, honest and candid conversation. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but is as important as other needs. If both partners don’t realize, understand and accept this fact there will always be a serious problem in their relationship. Everyone should understand sex is a key ingredient in marriage.
If someone doesn’t want sex, like sex or willing to please their partner (husband or wife) they “should not” get married. I don’t understand some of the comments. They want to be married but they don’t want sex (comment not intended for those with physical situations). In a loving relationship we do many things to please our partner. Get up and go to work, cook, clean house, wash clothes, etc. Most of which we don’t enjoy but out of love for the other we do it. I believe many comments I read were written from a place of pain and resentment and not from a place of love for the other.
As a Christian man, if it matters, I like sex. But, my desire is always that I please my wife when we have sex. I know I’m not always successful but that is my goal. I know I don’t speak for all men but I do believe I share the view of many men. It’s an untrue statement that all men want is sex without concern for the wife and that we can easily turn off our desire. Men and women are wired differently, God made us that way. Sex in marriage is not 50/50 it’s 100/100 and required of both to have a happy fulfilled sex life.
Sex is not a need in any way! Stop lying; no one died without sex ever and character traits are not affected by quantity of sex encounters. Besides, why does a woman have to selflessly endure humiliating painfull useless sex that only the male wants? Sex completely destroys women and yet according to article she has to make the man “happy”. It doesn’t even matter to the male how the woman feels during sex, all they care about is being a “stick-it-in” animal monster. God’s supposed to love women, not send them to torture. Don’t marry men who want sex and they won’t run away with using it as excuse. Sex is abuse and it should be less of it in marriage, not more.
Um, I think you might be doing it wrong. In my marriage it is very enjoyable and satisfying for both of us, bringing us closer than we could have ever imagined. Beautiful!
I so agree with you, Jason. I couldn’t be happier in my current marriage.
At last someone with the same views as me!
Totally agree with you Alice from Norway!
I’m so sorry to read your post. Sex is a wonderful joy of life and I wish that you will be able to find a way to enjoy it.
Sex is Not abuse. I doubt anyone would say it’s alright for a man to punch his wife and rip her clothing off and do horrible things to her. That would be abuse. Sex is a great way for two adults to bond. If all women had pain there wouldn’t be any new humans, and that’s not good.
I’ve had to tell my husband I can’t for physical reasons, and he accepts that. Whenever I can deliver the goods, though, I make it great in order to make up for that rejection. If sex is painful for you perhaps you have a physical condition. There’s no shame in asking an OBGYN specific questions, describing the pain to him or her, and having a complete examination. There are many conditions which make intercourse painful and most of them can be treated.
Please don’t let yourself live a life of horrible pain when you feel you Must give your husband sex. It can fill your mind and heart with love and turn two people into one being. It’s not disgusting or animal. I pray you will find pleasure with this act and your pain heals. It truly is part of God’s plan, explained in Genesis.
Whoa, Alice I am a woman and I enjoy sex. I want to please my husband and in turn he is a fantastic lover, friend, and provider. Sex is not torture. If you feel that way you have had very bad sex, or something happened to make you anti man… sex. Get a grip.
What if our husband asks about oral sex but I’m not very good at making him ejaculate through mouth?
If you try it it just may pleasure you enough enough to go all the way. But oral takes practice, and practice makes perfect.
But if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to and she shouldn’t be worried about not doing it.
Thank you, this is very helpful. We have been married for twenty years and I agree 100 percent with this article. My husband has told me he cannot survive for longer than three days, so i make it my priority to connect with him on an intimate level before the three days is up. Often we will have a “quickie” as I am tired or he just needs a quick release. When we have made love and connected it puts our relationship into a different level. He is also able to focus on work and he makes much sounder business decisions if he is not sexually frustrated. We as women have such an amazing gift to unlock so much for our husbands.
Thank you Sam, for your affirmation. How we wish we could explain this to more women, how important it is to connect in this important way. It doesn’t make sense to many of us, but it still works. A lot of things we do (especially spiritually) doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t stop it from working when we participate. It’s like men who don’t understand why women have such a need for conversation and connection in that way. Whether they understand it or not, it’s vital to women to connect with their husbands this way. So they should make the effort, and grow in that way. Whether we understand or not, if it’s important to our spouse, we should connect with them in those (non-abusive) ways. It’s all about love, and giving of ourselves what we can. Isn’t that what we vowed to do on our wedding day?
I’m so glad you recognize this need in your husband and you give of yourself what you can. This is a God-honoring approach to our married life. May God bless you all the more for doing this and sharing it with us, as an affirmation.
Well said -this is very true.
It just makes me wonder then how single men function in business and life generally. I just can’t agree that married men ‘need’ sex to be mentally healthy but single guys have can’t have any sort of sexual outlet. Men are men whether single or married.
Husband for 21 years of starving for intimacy and sex. Wife could care less. I have spent much of it just sleeping on the couch. I’m tired of it. I really don’t want to be with her anymore. The more I try to be close and intimate the more I’m rejected and told “thats all I ever want is sex.” And that may be true to some extent. Really I just need intimacy and sex and kissing beyond a quick peck. When sex becomes an option then its “hurry up it hurts, aren’t you done yet? Hurry up. Glad that’s over with.” I’ve had it!
It’s been months this time and I’m done with asking and waiting. She will change or I’m leaving or she is. I don’t care who takes what, just leave. Hate this mess and I’m not doing it anymore. Oh and she started today. Of course and extra week or so to slide by while I calm down. That isn’t going to work this time. No promises, no excuses. I will leave this time, or she will. I quit, I quit my job, I quit doing everything only to get ignored. I quit, I’m not going to sit and watch her read a book all night and the play clash of clans until the day is over. I’m going to start WW3 at my house. This will be the fight that makes her or me leave. I just feel for my son.
Hi Al, Horrible really. I am a husband married 37 years and I can only imagine what that is like. Sounds like you have already given up… that your post above has been written too late? Perhaps a few websites which will help you and your wife? Written and spoke by women! Please see below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
I really hope these will give your wife a different perspective…Take care, WP (Work in Progress).
You enjoy hurting your wife, want to drag it out, want to make it happen more often, and you can’t see why she doesn’t want and with you?
Your abuse sexually that’s why she doesn’t want sex. If you weren’t abusive you would be trying to stop the pain so she could enjoy it more often instead of trying to break her will so you can hurt her more. But then again maybe that’s the goal isn’t?
I have been married 17.5 years. Men and women both have needs. But one shouldn’t have sex when they dont want it. That causes resentment, it isnt love then it is obligation. I want my husband to love making love with me and not be made to do so. I want sex (actually physical) far more than he does. He actually tells me he is tired. Sex is something that happens on his terms but if I say no he will be at me til he gets it even if it means we don’t get to sleep. Here is the major thing. Men can control there urges just as if they were single. He has a Porn addiction in which seems to me is far more important than our marriage. I have tried numerous time to talk to him about it and see if our marriage lacks something what he needs, why he feels he has to watch porn and he also lies to me about it even when I pull it up in the comp history and show him. He sneaks to watch it when I am away from home and he will get back up at night after I fall asleep to watch it even after we have been intimate.
Last night I point blank let him know I wasn’t going to stick around to let him treat me with so little respect and love that a year of avoiding talking to me and trying to get help was destroying our marriage. His facial expression never changed (not a care in the world really). Yet he tells me he loves me. Before marriage I was very forward with him in letting him know the one thing that will destroy our marriage is lies. I have to have trust in our relationship. I do not trust him, I have lost all trust in him. I do still love him but my heart feels so much pain and loss from all this and I have described how I feel and his only response is “I am Sorry” yet also he says “He cant stop watching the porn.”
My whole basis for this and responding to your article is that Giving sex to your partner even if you dont want sex at the time does not equal a good marriage or trustworthy marriage. Issues at hand must be brought up and never avoided. It takes both to get the help needed. It may be his porn addiction but the wife is effected as well so both need to seek help.
Women are giving this way. I was like when I wanted it and he withheld. Most men aren’t like that and the Bible says they can do whatever they want no matter how the wife feels about it, whether she wants it or not, and whether it hurts her or not. Possibly even if it’s dangerous. There’s no exception for medical situations in the Bible. The husband is entitled the wife is obligated, without regard to the effect on her. Until that changes and women’s control and choices and health and safety and what women want, including say no, matter as much as what men want women aren’t going to like sex. It all comes down to the attitude of the man.
You have a problem. It’s not about God.
Danielle F, Can I kindly ask you to please clarify your comment so that we can all understand you clearly? Are you replying to an existing comment? Or are you commenting on the main post? We would like to better understand you. Thank you…
My wife stopped me from a relationship with a maid and she says she forgives me but does not forget. She still has this attitude saying go and see your girlfriend whenever she’s in a bad mood. What can I do?
Choo, your wife is reacting out of deep, deep hurt. Please give her time, and make sure that you show her in every way that you are trustworthy — with a heart and eyes and actions that only show love for her. Eventually, the hurt will lessen. But keep in mind that you stabbed her in the heart with your actions. This takes a long, long time to heal. She may have forgiven you, but her heart needs to catch up with her intentions in this way. Be a good man; be patient, and do what it takes to show her that you are that good man who will never stab at her heart again. Show her that you will be true to your wedding vows no matter what she says or does. Eventually, I have no doubt that you will win her heart back again and statements like she is saying now, will go away.
If you are not up for sex then you don’t have to meet anyone’s needs. It has to be a two way street. There is a point where someone in a relationship only cares about sex. Angry all the time until sex, then after sex angry again. People like this need to see a doctor.
I would only state in my opinion that the less focused both parties have on their own needs the better out come you can have in your intimate moments.
That only works if it’s a two way steet. If the woman focuses on the man’s needs and the man focuses on the woman’s needs, that’s the ideal.
If the man focuses on the man’s needs and woman focuses on the man’s needs, and women is condemned for trying to protect herself emotionally, and by using birth control, and by having boundaries on what she will and won’t do sexually, it just sets the woman up for abuse.
Both parties could be less focused on their individual needs to have the best personal reward for centering yourself with your partner and equally being as honest to yourself and your partner. Give the best intimate relations with your partner that you can have at any given time with whatever level you have developed already in your relationship.
In our marriage vows, we vow and commit our bodies to each other for each other’s enjoyment and also for procreation!
If we are to remain true to them, sex is very central and and can’t be over emphasized. Definately it can’t have a good life in isolation of all our other spheres of life together, hence the more reason to work on our other spheres to facilitate its smoothness!
Hello, I honestly dont know where to begin, what to do, or even how to go about it. I know that this is a site for how you are supposted to be having sex with your husband, and that if he is sexually satisfied then we will have a happier marriage, and he will not be tempted to find sexual contact elsewhere. Well, I guess my first question would be, what if it is reversed? I am the one who wants, craves, needs to have some kind of sexual contact (affection) from him, and I am not getting it.
In fact right now at this very moment I want, need, and crave for my husband to have sex with me and I am sooooo sexually frustrated that it actually (I guess you could say it hurts) aches with the need to feel him, to touch him sexually. However he rejects me every time I try to initiate any kind of sexual actions, affection or attention from him. When we first got together it was great! However with time it slowly started to decrease and in 2014 my husband had an affair. I left; however I tried to remain hopeful (this was before he confessed even though I had caught him) that he would realize what he had done and that I had left and I guess you can say want me to come home. Even though he was still having the affair I still tried to keep in contact with him, and he would occasionally send me mixed signals making me think that he did indeed miss me and want me home.
However almost 2 months had gone by and nothing by this time I had started to lose hope. One day I had made a decision that I needed to move on and realized that there was no hope and I can not sit there and dwell on the fact that I had lost my husband, my best friend and in all honestly I didnt even know how it happend. I thought we were happy, I never denied him any sexual contact in any way. In fact it was getting to the point that we are in now then. However he at least made it seem like he was at least trying by going to the doctor and talking to him, and we had a scheduled a sex date that we followed for a while, which eventually just stopped not knowing the exact reason why. Well anyway I made the decision that I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on; that my husband was gone and there wasnt anything that I could do about it that I hadent already tried.
A few days later he came to where I was staying practically on his hands and knees bawling his eyes out confessing to his affair and that he was sorry and he had to deal with that decision that he had made and acted on for the rest of his life. He begged me to take him back that I was the best thing and wife ( were both on our second marriage) that he has had. Anyway long story short I took him back and in a way forgave but not really forgave I honestly dont know if I will ever really get over his affair but it would not be without me trying; I am trying to get past it and move on.
It was ok after we had gotten back together that the sex life we had before his affair was returning. It had gotten to be every 6 months at least maybe shorter or longer I dont know. However two years after we got back together after his affair our sex life has pretty much ended. It has been almost a year since he has touched me sexually, however he will not hesitate to watch and masturbate to porn any chance he gets. But he will not touch me, he will not have any kind of sexual contact or touch with me. I have tried to talk to him about how I feel about his viewing of porn and masturbation instead of with me.
I have tried talking to him about having sex more. I have suggested another sex date system; I bought sex toys for him to uses on me (I despise them and I will not even use or think about using them on myself), I bought several differt types and styles of lingerie, I have even suggested that we watched porn together and even had sex while watching the porn. And because everything that I had tried failed I told him to try and think about something that he thinks may work for us to increase our sex life; he has failed to do so that or he just didnt even try or didnt want to try, I have litterally thought of everything I can think of to get the slightest attention, touch from him and still nothing. He would prefer the porn. It has now gotten to the point to where if I even mention the word sex we get into an argument or a really big fight about it. There has been a couple of times that it had gotten so bad that I litterally have slept in my car. There has been a couple of times that I tried to leave for a night or two. He went out to my car and removed the starter relay fuse from my vehicle so I couldnt start it and go anywhere at the same time he would take my phone when not looking turning it off and hiding it so I couldnt contact anyone to have them come pick me up and I would be able to get away and cool off before confronting him without fighting.
I dont know what to do anymore. And right now I am so sexually fustrated that it actually hurts and I have no release and he wont touch me. I have sugested a marriage counselor and he has refused that as well. I dont want to give up becuase we do hug, kiss, cuddle and we get along great other than that but I need some kind of sexual touch from my husband the man I love and married. If anyone has any sugestions or ideas that I havent tried and might help please; I’m begging.
Hi Tracy, I am no expert on such matters, but I am a husband married now for 37 years. You are both on your second marriages. Do you know the reasons behind your husband’s divorce? As soon as masturbation and porn enter the picture in the way you have described, it tells me that perhaps your husband may have intimacy issues- finding it very difficult to be close to another human being. I believe that the God intended purpose for sex is so that husband and wife could be intimate at the deepest possible level- requiring a vulnerability not present in any other relationship. Masturbation and porn allow for physical release without any emotional involvement, commitment, or vulnerability. Does he share, or has he ever shared, his heart with you? Could you, or can he talk about intimate issues? Does he perhaps have childhood experiences which could contribute to this present condition?
Just my ideas…. I hope some other input comes in for you… WP (Work in Progress)
I don’t agree at all. You have been programmed by society and media to believe you are responsible for your husband’s sexual needs. This screams sexual control. Sex/making love should be part of a healthy relationship. Your analogy of craving chocolate (which you equated to sex drive) does not involve another human being. You can get the chocolate yourself. And so can the man. He is quite capable of satiating himself.
Wearing “sexy” underwear is degrading to women. Most of us (I know there are some women who loooove wearing it), don’t enjoy getting dressed up in suspenders and uncomfortable push-up corsettes for anyone. Would men be degraded like that? Why do we need to fulfill their sexual, primal urges? Surely we have evolved beyond just sex?
I feel a woman needs to want to share a sexual experience with her husband in a safe, warm, beautiful space of sharing. She should never feel she “has to do it”. That is control. We are all in control of our bodies. If the relationship is healthy, respectful and mutually loving, sexual connection will flow from that that. The fact that a women isn’t feeling sexual means there is more going on in the relationship that needs healing. We are not sex slaves to men, and never should be. A healthy mutually sexual sharing comes from a healthy relationship. Women should never degraded, feel obligated or feel guilty about sex or for not having it.
There’s one topic that is glaringly missing from this article: Wife’s Sexual Needs. Her sexual needs are a tad bit different than a man’s sexual needs. She needs foreplay to start long before he wants to go into the bedroom for sex. She needs affection and romance that begins before and continues after the sex act. But how many husband’s deny or reject those sexual needs? Men have busy lives and don’t have the time for those female sexual needs. Once he gets her into the bedroom, he continually tries to ignore the fact that she has a sex organ that needs as much, if not more, attention than his sex organ.
Men complain that it takes women too long to get excited and it’s so much work for them to spend time giving her the foreplay she needs. And the husband has ways of letting his wife know he does not think foreplay is worth his time. How is she supposed to enjoy the sex act if her needs are not being met? How is she supposed to pretend she’s enjoying sex for years that turn into decades?
Judging by the statistic that 70% of women in long-term relationships are not having any orgasms; men are not meeting these fundamental needs by women. But men complain they are in sex-starved marriages. Men who believe they are in sex-starved marriages need to look in the mirror and ask themselves if they are putting in as much effort or as little effort as they can to sexually satisfy their wife’s needs. And please do NOT throw out the excuse that so many men use: “She just needs to tell me what she wants.” The vast majority of those 70% of women who are not having orgasms in long-term relationships have told you what she wants. Men choose to ignore what she tells him.
The vast majority of women do like sex. We just don’t like bad sex, which is decades of watching your man have orgasms while you do not. The vast majority of women do tell their men what they want sexually. Men choose not to listen or to pick and choose what they want to listen to. And the longer time goes by with the woman not getting her sexual needs met, the more she does not want sex.
So if you want more sex, guys, put in the time to please your woman’s sex organ cuz, you know, she has one too. Oh, and BTW, her vagina is not her sex organ. Spend the time and effort giving her the romance and affection she needs to stimulate her main sex organ (her brain) and devote the time to getting to know her other sex organ and then maybe she might show some enthusiasm for pleasing yours.
I don’t know how i feel about this opinion of men’s sexual needs. I think this needs to be studied more.