Leaving Marriage Because God Wants Me to Be Happy

Leaving Separation Dollarphotoclub_40079243.jpg

I can’t stay in this marriage, because I’m miserable and that’s not what God wants for me. I’m leaving. I’ve been unhappy for too many years. God would never want me to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.

Those are just a few of the statements we’ve heard from spouses, which causes them to feel it’s okay to leave their marriage to forge a new life. After all, “God wants me to be happy” …right? Well, yes and no. We have to look at the context of what their “happiness” costs on many different levels.

I agree with what Mrs Parunak says in her PursuingTitus2.com article, Wouldn’t God Want Me to Be Happy? When asked this question she wrote,

“I think the fact that you apply that question to a situation in which you are contemplating leaving your husband for another man demonstrates that you’ve been fed lies in two critical areas: what God wants, and what will make you happy.”

Same Principles Apply

Now even if you don’t have someone else chosen to be the one you will eventually marry after you divorce your present spouse, the same principles apply.

Does God want you to be happy? Of course… It’s natural to assume that as a Father, He would want that for His children. But if your happiness steps on someone else’s happiness what’s the answer then? Is your happiness the only consideration here?

You might THINK that everyone else would eventually be happier if you left your marriage, but are you all-knowing? I’m not. And I have a feeling that you aren’t either.

Leaving, Pursuing “Happiness”

Years ago, my dad left my mom and us four kids to pursue his “happiness” with another woman. He was sure that was what he should do and that this would make him happy. In doing so, he left my mom who was devastated, and us four kids whose lives have never been the same, as a result. This woman left her husband and her children who were also devastated. There were a lot of other grieving family members and friends that were hurt too by all of this. The questions arise: Didn’t God want US to be happy? If my Dad and this woman’s happiness was the most important thing to God, what about us?

Was it God’s will for us to grieve just so my dad and this woman would be happy? No. I can’t imagine that this is what God would approve of at all. When our happiness violates other principles that are important to God, then there is a problem.

I can tell you as a grandma that I want my granddaughter to be happy —no doubt! But in order for that to happen, if she had to elbow my grandson so she could grab the desire of her heart —a toy, some food or whatever, I wouldn’t be happy about that at all. And neither would her brother be, nor her parents. Happiness is not the goal of all of life. Sometimes we have to be left wanting or unhappy for the greater good to happen —especially the greater good of many.

Our Character VS Our Comfort and Values

Yes, God wants you to be happy, but not at the expense of the greater good that HE knows needs to happen. He is more interested in our character, than our comfort, our values —HIS values to be lived out, than our temporary satisfaction and happiness.

We’re told in God’s Word, “The eyes of man are never satisfied(Proverbs 27:20). And it’s SO true.

End of the Story

Let me tell you the end of the story with my parents. The woman that my Dad loved so much to cause him to run away with? He eventually left her. Their happiness didn’t last, even though they were sure it would. He realized she wasn’t all he thought she was, and that they weren’t so great together after all. She eventually went back to her husband and family only to run off with another man she loved and wanted “happiness” with.

My Dad came back home and my parents worked on their marriage and it survived until my mom died several years ago. But my mom’s trust and the level of love she had for my Dad took a big hit while my Dad was pursuing his happiness. It was never the same. And that’s not all that that suffered. I eventually grew up, married and had marital problems for a long time because of my insecurity in trusting men. (Thankfully, God helped me to get to a better place in this and my marriage survived and is now thriving.)

I also have to tell you that when my Dad left, something snapped in my brother. He was never the same. He eventually self-medicated by turning to drugs and alcohol. Sadly, he died a young death from complications of his alcohol abuse. He left behind a grieving widow and siblings who miss him terribly. My other brother and sister have lived with their own emotional scars (and their marriages and kids too, as the ripple-effect keeps moving on).

Our Actions Affect Others for Generations

I tell you all this to say that just because we want to reach for “happiness” and just because it seems that it should be justifiable for various reasons, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for us to do. We don’t live as islands unto ourselves. Our actions can and do affect others for generations. We need to always consider that. God knows it. That’s probably a big reason why He hates divorce —all the damage it causes. He also hates it because it tears up the living picture He put forth of His love for the church (that is portrayed throughout the Bible). There’s something wrong with this picture, when we have to tear up God’s picture to accomplish what we want (our happiness).

I appreciate something that Erin Davis (of Liesyoungwomenbelieve.com) wrote on this issue in her blog, Does God Want You to Be Happy? The following is part of what she said that stood out to me (please go to the above link to read the rest, along with the comments). She was telling of a wife and mom of a toddler that was “unhappy” in her marriage. Erin tried to scripturally convince her NOT to divorce.

She Wrote:

“Her response? ‘I believe that God wants me to be happy, and I am just not happy in my marriage.’

“Soon after that conversation she left her husband. She is no longer involved in the church where we used to minister to teenagers side-by-side. I can’t say if she is happier now or not, but I do know that her decision came at a tremendous cost.

“I’ve heard the argument ‘God wants me to be happy’ made often through the years. I’ve heard Christians defend all kinds of decisions based on the belief that God wants them to be happy. But the truth is I’m not sure that He does.

“Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think that God delights in our misery. But I’m not sure that there’s any biblical evidence to back up the claim that He wants us to be happy. In fact the Bible seems to teach that He is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness.”

And He is. Edie Wadsworth (a former physician —now full time homemaker and part-time blogger) wrote the following that also brings out this point. In her article, “Why Marriage Is So Hard” (which I recommend you read in its entirety) she writes about spouses who sometimes don’t “make us happy.”

But Even So:

“God knew what He was doing when He gave you this particular person. He knew the flaws in your character and personality that this person could sharpen. He knew that this person could expose the sins you try to cover and hide. God knows better than you what you need and the sooner you submit to Christ and His purposes in your life, the sooner you will see what He is up to in your marriage. This relationship is not for your happiness; it is for your redemption. He is not trying to make you comfortable; He is desperate to make you holy. God will go to any lengths to transform you because He loves you so much.”

Whether God gave you this particular spouse, or you chose him or her on your own, there can still be redemption that can come about, even in times where we’re unhappy.  Living a life of holiness and obeying God’s commands is much more important to God than that which we think will make us happy. Pastor Gary Kinnaman touched on this point in a Marriage Partnership Magazine article titled, “What’s Wrong with Happiness.”

He Wrote:

“I’d been counseling a couple for several months when a wife came to see me one day. Although she had been married for 25 years, she wanted out. Nothing I said could change her determination; she simply was no longer happy in her marriage. She and her husband divorced, and not long after that she turned up at church again —sitting in the pew with her husband’s brother. When she came to ask me to officiate at her second wedding, she wasn’t too pleased to hear my refusal. She said, ‘But it says in the Bible that God wants me to be happy!’

“Of course, she couldn’t point to a specific chapter and verse. The Bible talks about joy, about contentment, but the Bible doesn’t lift up happiness as an ultimate goal.

“It’s not that happiness is such a bad thing. Who doesn’t like to feel happy? …Happiness is what I’d call a ‘neutral’ value. It’s not good or evil, but it’s a cultural value that can assault Christianity. The woman who deserted her husband assigned such a high priority to personal happiness that it overwhelmed the Christian, biblical value of marital commitment. She valued her own happiness more than she desired to obey God’s commands.”

OUCH! I hope this isn’t true of you. I also hope you will consider something that Pastor Mark Gungor, of the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage ministry said on this idea of happiness being something God wants for us to grab.

Mark Gungor Wrote:

“Now it’s not that I’m against being happy. I do believe God wants people to be happy, but not to the point that it overcomes the right thing to do (an important point to realize).

“…As I travel around the country, I am stunned at the number of people that I talk to who are ready to walk out on their family, walk away from their kids, walk away from their husband or their wife, and their pure justification is ‘God wants me to be happy.’ You know, as if this was God’s standard for making His rules. I mean, this is ridiculous. I don’t think God was sitting up in heaven, saying, ‘thou shalt not commit adultery, unless it makes you happy, you know, I’m open to that.’ …Who told you God wants you to be happy to such a high degree? Oftentimes, God asks us to do things that make us profoundly unhappy. When Peter was being crucified upside-down, that was a bad day for him.”

True? Absolutely! You have to look at the total picture of God’s will for us, not just cherry-pick and then rearrange God’s priorities for us. Do you want your children to be happy? Yes! But do you want them to have that happiness at the expense of others? Is your child’s happiness more important than his or her growing up to be a good, moral, kind-hearted, promise-keeping adult?

Is Your Happiness God’s Ultimate Goal?

Consider the following written by Bill Elliff:

“As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, ‘I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.’ But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage.

“The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: ‘Whatever you do in word or deed, do for the glory of God.‘ While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character … all the way to the end of time.

“Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. And every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness.” (From the Family Life Today article, 8 Lies that Destroy Marriage)

There are different types of joy. There is the “emotion of well-being and success.” But there is also the joyful emotion of knowing you are doing the right thing—doing what God would have you. Those can be two different emotions. One leads to a temporary fix of leaving behind the hard stuff to pursue your own happiness, even though you break other hearts in the process. And the other leads to one day having the Lord say to you, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful in what was handed to you.”

Wake Up!

I don’t doubt that those who are tempted to leave their marriages are feeling miserable. Joy is the last emotion they can ever imagine feeling if they don’t leave their marriage. I get that. God gets that. But that doesn’t justify doing that, which we shouldn’t because we are hurting.

“Some time ago, we received the following email, ‘I’m leaving my husband and our two small children. I know what the Bible says, but God knows my heart. He just wants me to be happy.’ Another woman who was separated recently complained about her marriage but said that she was ‘seeking God’s will’ as she headed to Vegas with her boyfriend. I want to shout, ‘WAKE UP!’ Sin blinds us from the truth and we blame everyone and everything instead of looking in the mirror.” (Shane Idleman)

As Shane writes, we need to WAKE UP! Please prayerfully read the rest of what Shane writes in The Christian Post article:

I KNOW WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS BUT GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY

And finally, I know I’ve given you a lot to consider. But there is a great testimony written by Carla Anne Coray (posted on Crosswalk.com), which addresses this whole area of wanting out of a marriage that doesn’t seem to be working. Please prayerfully read, and then I hope you’ll pray some more about your thoughts on happiness being God’s desire for your life:

Why I Stayed: A Wife’s Focus on God Saves Her Marriage

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Comments

32 responses to “Leaving Marriage Because God Wants Me to Be Happy

  1. Wow, Amen thank you Cindy for sharing this. I wish and pray more people can read this in order to avoid the devastation divorces cause. A couple of days I was talking to my husband about love and how we define and view it. The point I was making to him is that most people rely more on how we feel especially physically the butterflies the excitement that one day when we wake up and don’t feel that way we decide that we no longer love that person. We move on to the next person who excites us and feel that is love. Though I am not there yet it is my hearts desire that I will love as Jesus does that is unconditionally and sacrificially, so far it is not easy but I thank God that when I feel like giving up. He holds me and strengthens me. And when I read these type of articles I know that I am on the right track. My God bless you and your family always.

    1. Thanks Joey, Your words are encouraging, that you are working on loving your husband as Jesus does. I pray you are able to make it through the ebbs and tides –the highs and lows, that every mature relationship goes through from time-to-time.

      I recently heard the flitting type of relationship, where a person goes from one relationship to another (many times one marriage after another) as someone who is termed as a relationship vagabond. They wander from one person to another enjoying the high that new “love” brings, and when the shine wears off, they feel the compulsion to leave, looking to be happy elsewhere (often ending up with someone else who is their new “love”). If they call themselves Christians, they usually give the excuse that “God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy.” Of course, they often leave behind a mess of unhappy and confused “partners” and children… but hey! As long as THEY’RE happy they seem to think that’s what counts. So, so sad and disillusioned.

      1. Cindy, the flitting type of relationship is very common –even (especially?) among Christian singles. Yet as one thought-provoking article said, “it’s not whether you’re with the right person, it’s whether you can learn to love the person God gave you.” It seems to me that the excuse often given is “we’re too different, you like X and I like Y, etc., etc.”

        A wise pastor told me that he frequently sees people (mostly men) reject relationships for reasons that would have been inconsequential in decades past. And, he said, a lot of people don’t realize that if they follow God and make the commitment of marriage (provided they’re both Christians and have some other basics worked out), God will pull out all the stops to build unity for them. He said they’ll never experience unity until they make a leap of faith and commit to one another in marriage.

        I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it here, again: I think Christian marriages and serious Christian dating relationships that could lead to marriage are under serious spiritual attack. I believe we need to get serious about praying for marriage restorations, and for fractured relationships to be healed. For singles who waffle, I think we need to pray that the Holy Spirit would put “new and right desires” in their hearts, including the desire for home, hearth, marriage, companionship and intimacy.

  2. A few weeks ago, my husband left me because he said he’s not happy. I tried convincing him that we can work things out and I could help him to find his happiness, as long as we’re together. But he is determined to leave and find his happiness. Until now, he’s not back yet… and I found some things that may have cause his leaving, but I choose to believe in my husband. After everything I’ve done to save the marriage, I am praying and surrendering myself to God. That God will do the rest, for if I can’t change my husbands heart, I know God can change and lead him back to me.

    1. Rei, I totally understand what you are going through… the pain and hopelessness. My wife and I are separated almost 2 years now with no sign to reconcile on her part. I do almost everything to show her love and respect but nothing seems to matter to her anymore. We have 2 small children that I believe sacrifices should have been made for them but not even their happiness and being raised in a stable home and family matters. I pray for my marriage and family to be restored, the rest is left up to God to renew my wife heart. God bless.

  3. I understand what you’re saying about happiness in a marriage. But what about abuse in your relationship? I’ve been in my marriage for 35 years and have experienced abuse from my husband to the point where the cops has been called twice now. This does not including all the times the law was not called to help. He has and is blaming the children for our marriage problems. It was so intense this last time, he threatened to shot me. Does this mean that God wants me to stay in an abusive relationship?

    I have gone to counseling to help our relationship. We have tried a number of things that people have suggested to help with our relationship, but all have failed. So are you saying I need to try and keep the relationship together? I don’t have any desire to have a relationship with anyone else but I’m not willing anymore to put up with this abuse. I don’t know what God wants for our relationship but I’m really not sure whether God really wants me to continually be abused by my husband for the rest of my life.

    Right now we have a no contact in order and Yes, right now my husband wants me back and puts up old songs ect… to remind me of our good times in our marriage. I’ve been down this road too many times with I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. How can I trust again? I understand the Bible is against divorce that’s why one of the reason’s I stayed for so long, but when is it enough? I don’t care if you put this up for all to see but I do need help. I’m struggling with this and have decided I need boundaries in my life and one of this is going to be no more abuse in my life even if it means divorce.

    This has divided up our family to the point our children, (which are adult now and have there own family’s) don’t want anything to do with their father anymore. It has also caused a division in his family and our family to the point of their trying to make this last situation my daughter’s fault and not my husband’s. They truly believe he didn’t do anything wrong. So I ask this again, Does God really want me to stay in an abusive relationship?

    1. Kathy, what you are talking about, as far as abuse, is completely different than justifying differing feelings about a spouse, as it relates to married life. Please go into the “Abuse in Marriage” topic and read all you can. You need to protect yourself, first and foremost right now, and then make additional decisions. Also, go into the web sites we recommend because I believe you will get answers to the questions you are struggling with and asking. They may be able to help you even better than we can (although I’m sure the articles and quotes will help bring some clarity). Do I believe God wants us to stay in abusive marriages? No I don’t. But I’m not the end-all of answers. There is a lot to consider, a lot more to do, and a lot to pray about, as it concerns reconciling or not. I don’t know what miracles might be worked out if your husband participates, but right now, that’s something to look at later, rather than now.

      It appears wise that you and your husband are living separately now. You need and he needs additional help before you could even START to know whether or not to reconcile. If your husband is impatient, tough… take the time you need (years, even). Just guard your heart from anyone else that could come around right now, because you could be vulnerable. I’ve seen marriages take complete turn arounds, even after years of abuse (and for love and trust to grow back). But I’ve also (and more often) seen where things are still dangerous and even grow more dangerous. The fact that he’s still blaming others (your kids), and that he threatened to shoot you makes this all the more dangerous and unsafe. Past “good” times are great, but he needs to own up to his abusive ways before he has even a chance of changing (whether you reconcile or not), to see if you can grow even better times in the future. Right now it’s important to settle for “safe” times.

      Please try NOT to listen to his family. Love and pray for them, but don’t listen to their trying to persuade you and blame others. They may or may not mean well, but they are too partial to know all that you have gone through to get to this point. Also, try not to listen to your children on this, which will be difficult. Again, they may or may not mean well, but you need someone who is more knowledgable about abuse issues to help you, and your children could be muddying up your thinking. Yes, they know more than most people would, but they don’t walk in your shoes and they don’t know the possibilities of what could be… a good (marriage-friendly) abuse counselor would.

      Ask them to just be your kids and let you be their mom and a grandma, but that you need to work this through without their “help” –that you will let them know what they need to know when you know it is best. Bad-mouthing their dad will only make things more complicated later (whether you reconcile or not). Let them know that you won’t be doing anything hastily… that you and their dad are still living separately –but that you need their patience and less drama right now on their part, as you try to sort all of this out. If they need counseling for this, then they should get it. They’re adults now, and they need to approach this as adults, as you are. Try to enjoy the holidays without all of the drama and negativity. Do your research and counseling, and yet find other things to concentrate on that will lift your spirits, rather than keep you down.

      I wish you well and pray God helps you in this. Abuse is such a horrible thing to experience… my heart and prayers go out to you, and on your behalf.

  4. I love my ex husband. But, he is gone and nothing I did would make him stay. 3 kids, a huge extended family but he didn’t and doesn’t care. I find sadness and jealousy when I read these as I struggle to know why my marriage wasn’t giving and chance. He is happy in an adulterous/immoral relationship now with a church employee. He honestly believes it is acceptable and he is fine and happy. He refuses to see the permanent pain and destruction and the ability to change that by repenting and returning home. I will love day to day wondering why the children, myself, our parents weren’t worth more than his happiness. We were willing to do anything.

    1. Hey Leslee. I’m going through almost the same thing. After a move due to work my ex-wife said she wasn’t happy at our new location and God wants her to be happy so she left. Our marriage was also not given a chance to work…Counseling was not an option in her mind. I dont know whats going to happen ultimately. I’ve been praying for “peace” and God has been good to me with that request. Some days are tougher than others but He is still there. I’ll be praying for you.

  5. I’m in a situation where my wife is divorcing me. She told me she isn’t happy and that she never should have married me and our paths are just too different. She is pushing her life to be an inner-city missionary. She used 1 Corinthians Chapter 7:10-11 “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”

    To tell me that it was God’s will for her to do this and that she just felt that God was telling her to be like Mother Teresa and be alone to do the work of God so she wasn’t held back by being married, I’m personally wrecked. I can’t really eat, sleep, or even think. It’s hard to go to work or even function.

    I trust God but am finding it extremely hard to even survive through all of this. I can’t believe that she thinks God would tell her to divorce me. I just don’t understand as I always loved doing the missionary work with her and never hindered her. It was the most amazing time of my life. I do want her to be happy but I’m afraid what she’s doing will end up destroying more than just me. I’m thankful for you sharing this as I know God still knows what he is doing. I just feel so lost and empty.

    1. Hey Kevin. I know what you’re going through…I’m going through it now as well. The physical and emotional trauma can really effect your day to day well being. I’ll be praying that God gives you the peace you need to get through this time. Feel free to reply back brother.

    2. Keep praying! I will also pray for you! The righteous shall never be forsaken! GOD loves you brother! See the devil comes to seek and destroy! I was dealing with same issues. I started to pray and fast. Reading book of Job shows he never lost faith in GOD. GOD will deliver you from your hurt and pain!

  6. I love this website! Proverbs 3:6 Acknowledge GOD and let GOD direct your path! Just pray and keep praying and trusting in GOD! I find true happiness in GOD! Get to know a person before you marry and always pray to GOD before making any decisions.

  7. I went through your article and yes it actually had me think twice… as I am going through a very confusing situation with my sister whom I feel she deserves to divorce her husband. My question is, is she to stick around with a man who sees nothing rather than adultery, a man who sees beating up his spouse is the solution? …a man who doesn’t want to be questioned about his actions… a man who considers manipulating the emotions of his partner being right?? Is that ok? Is an abusive relationship ok? a loveless relationship ok?

    1. Hi Nanaa,

      I could not help but reply to your text. I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. Of course, from your text, one would obviously answer “no” to your questions, the way they are stated. Adultery, physical abuse, no accountability, manipulation, are all very toxic conditions for a marriage. Certainly you are well able do all kinds of things, to be there for her, to talk with her, to suggest professional help, to help her get protection if needed, etc. But to talk another person into divorce seems to me to be better reserved for either a very accomplished professional, or God Himself only.

      Hope this helps,
      WP (Work in Progress)

  8. One of the best articles I have ever read. Thank you so much. This is what my husband needs to read and understand while he is pursuing his second relationship.

  9. I have a dilemma of my own. I’ve read a lot of comments and agree with most. Let me tell you my story. I’ve been married now for the better part of 17 years. I married my wife in 1999 coming out of another divorce where my wife cheated on me while I was serving overseas in the military. She left me for a “good” friend of mine.

    It took me a long, long time to get over that but eventually time did heal that wound. I met my current wife after a few other failed relationships in between. She was fun, loving and very caring. I decided that she should be the one I should marry because I knew she would not cheat on me and I would never have to go through what I went through with my first wife. I married her more out of “convenience”. Don’t get me wrong, I did love her, but not like I should have loved her. But I figured that she would take good care of me, and never cheat and that in time I would grow to love her.

    The first 2 years was good, the sex was ok, but not great. As time went on though, the sex got less and less until eventually it stopped all together. I no longer desired her and in my own opinion, she no longer desired me. Flash to 2013, no sex now for either of us now for 8 years, it had been that long since we have had sex. She was not complaining about it, nor was I. But, I had reached a point that I needed to fulfill my needs, I had no desire for her. I loved her, but not in the way a husband should. So I went to “craigslist” and started chatting with other women. I was supposed to meet with other women at first, but just couldn’t do it.

    I was born and raised in a Christian home and I knew that adultery was wrong. But, after about a year, I could no longer control it and I met another woman, and then another, it was a few “one night stands” in about a year time frame. I then met another woman, who I really struck a fancy with. Yes, I fell head over heals with her and her with me. The affair went on for nearly 2 years, and then one day in December, my wife jokingly asked me if I had a girlfriend. That’s when I told her about me having an affair, that I did have a girlfriend. The cat was now out of the bag. The woman I was seeing was already in the process of a divorce with her husband. And now I thought that I was on the same trail. But, I stopped seeing this woman and decided to work on my marriage.

    That was over 2 years ago. The thing is, I’m not happy. I still don’t have desire for my wife and now it’s a big problem for her because I’m not giving her the affection that she needs, so deserves. But I can’t have sex with her. I can’t bring myself to it because I don’t have the desire, the passion in my heart for her. The other woman is out of my life, it’s been a very long time since I’ve seen or hear from her. But my problem now is that I do love my wife, not the way a husband should love his wife. We are told in the Bible that “A man should love his wife, as Jesus loves His church”. I do love my wife, but not in that way. I know now that I made a BIG mistake marrying her. Yes, we’ve been to counseling and it does no good. There’s just no way you can make yourself love somebody as a wife when the feelings are not there.

    My life now, after 2 years after telling her, I’m constantly asked, I called it “interrogation” about, “What am I doing on the computer?”. As I type “Who are you talking to?”, I’ll be home she’ll call to tell me she’s on her way home and tell me to have my girlfriend out of the house? The looks I get sometimes… when my phone dings, I’m asked over and over again, “who was that”. I work in IT and I’m all the time getting text message’s and emails from work.

    So, here I am, I’m married to a woman I don’t love like I should, I’m not happy, I have no desire for my wife, no passion in my life, I’m really wanting a divorce. But God hates divorce as do I. Yes, this affair has destroyed my marriage, I get that, it was a mistake. Yes, I do think about this other woman from time to time and no, I’m not planning on “hooking” back up with her. I just want to be happy in my life. I want to be free of the looks and the questions. Yeah, I know, I deserve everything I’m getting from her, I know that.

    I want a divorce, but like I said, I hate divorce, God hates divorce, and I don’t want to hurt her more than I already have. But I really can’t see any other way. How can God want me to stay in a relationship where there is no desire, when I don’t love her as a wife but more as a friend, a sister? I’m lost, I’m lonely, I’ve prayed and prayed about this ever since this happened. And the last 2 months, I’ve done nothing but pray night and day. I don’t even know if God hears me anymore???

    1. Dear Tim, nobody can tell you what to do, but God. Yes God hates divorce. And you hate divorce, that is why you are still in this marriage. It is installed in every person’s heart to hate divorce, we are created this way by God. There is ONE thing you can do. Surrender to God. Talk to HIM. Search with your WHOLE heart on this matter. Now I do not know your situation. ONLY God does. Whether or not it is good for you to stay or go, only He can tell. Also, do not assume you know what is good for your wife, unless God revealed it to you. Let everything go from your mind, what you should or shouldn’t do. No more overthinking, assumptions, reasoning, etc… nothing.

      You have to hear this answer from no one but God. He will either give you a love towards your wife, or will release you from your marriage. Yes marriage is HOLY, but most people truly do not consult God before entering it. Let no man separate what GOD has ordained. Usually men ordain their own marriages and call it an institution of God because that makes sense to the mind and it is easier instead of having to face that we made a decision on our won. Again, God can STILL REDEEM. Everyone has to seek God for themselves. God is a Spirit. Not every marriage is from God. It is natural for the human mind to try to understand everything, including God. That is how traditions are born.

      But the Gospel is, that Christ has remeeded us from the LAW. He can redeem your marriage or let you go. What is good and possible in your situation only He knows. What is good for you, only He knows, and what is good for your wife, only HE knows. God can see the future, we cannot. That is why it I good to trust Him. I am not encouraging you to stay, not encouraging you to go. I am asking you to go to God, FULLY RELYING ON HIM ALONE. He will talk to you, if you seek Him with your whole heart. Do not listen to anybody, not to me not to friends etc. But you need to ask God to reveal Scriptures to YOU. If you need wisdom or help with understaning Scripture, go find SPirit filled churches who can help you getting revelation and understanding of God’s word. But only God will give you the answer to your situation. DO not rely on human ideas, traditions etc. Only in God. And you’ll be fine. There is Hope because of the Lord Jesus….not only for you, also to your wife. Seek God. He knows whats best. I pray you wll receive the revelation needed in your situation and that you set your heart on Christ fully. He will guide you and lead you to redemption. Take heart…God Bless you!

  10. This is a good article. Americans are way too obsessed with happiness. Right now I am suffering horribly from health, finance and other issues beyond my control. I remind myself that just because I’m not happy does not mean I am outside of God’s will and He has given up on me. Nowhere in the Bible does it call Jesus the Man of many Pleasures. Seraphim don’t call out “Happy, happy, happy is the LORD God Almighty!” Nor does it say, “Be ye happy, for I your God, am happy.”

    1. Great points Rachel. May the Lord strengthen you and give you mercy and favor in these areas you are suffering through. May He shine His light upon you and give you blessing, even in the midst of the storms. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.

  11. I am a husband whose wife has separated 3 months ago and her response was this. We have been through hardships and I messed up but this argument is ridiculous and dangerous. She will claim her faith but this statement shows otherwise. She won’t hear any biblical resource from me or others because… Sadder part is she found another man who she is pursuing but feels no need to tell him she is married. I don’t know how far she has taken it and wonder what I can do. Do I stay, and until when? Do I have her leave? Do I leave? Do I track down this man and reveal to him the truth, he is being tricked. I love her and want to work on our marriage but guess I was a poor choice of character 6 years ago. Only God himself could get through to her now.

  12. In December 2014, a year after my divorce and going through dating after dating and constantly feeding my flesh with the wrong things and wrong people, I rededicated myself to the LORD and for an entire year kept myself pure and refrained from dating anyone and He promised to restore everything I lost due to my disobedience. Now mind you, I didn’t have any intentions on even getting back with my ex-wife; didn’t even entertain it. All my mind was restoring my finances and my relationship with Him.

    Long story short, after allowing God to deal with me and building me up, He then placed a new love in my heart for my ex-wife and moved me to go back and get your wife back. I told God well she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want me back and again He told me, “Go get your wife.” So the entire year of 2016 up until now, I’ve been believing for God to restore my family and it’s been a real struggle indeed, almost to the point of giving up. When I was about to throw in the towel and told God it’s not worth it she doesn’t want me, I can hear Him just speaking to my heart, “Trust me, go get your wife. I have a testimony waiting to be shared through your restored marriage.” We went on a couple of dates, spent the past three Christmases together with our kids and been really personally getting closer and closer to God. Continue to lift us up in prayer and for God to help me grow stronger in the Word so that I can be an effective Godly leader

    1. Beautiful and God bless! I pray to be able to hear God’s voice and guidance, but I can’t quite hear it right now (or perhaps I am denying what I am hearing).

  13. I have been with this man since 99 then we got married. I thought this man would change. He has cheated on me and chat line dating sites you name it. I never found out, never had proof. Then when I did he would always have an answer for each of those lies. Finally I went to his phone. He pulled up so I wouldn’t know that they were sending him pictures. I confronted him and the girl before talking to him. He admitted it was his friend. I thought he only had me as a friend. He doesn’t need no more friends but I know that he was cheating and he did admit it, not sexually, but conversation wise. I’ve seen pictures and having me to go to the store so he could be talking to women.

    I am so tired. I have lots of faith in God. I know this man could change but he’s still putting a passcode on his phone and he tells me that I’m being unrespectable by trying to ask for it. I don’t ask for it all the time. I asked just wants when I found out the truth. I am sad knowing that he is the way he is. I don’t think they’re supposed to be secrets. I think you’re supposed to be respectable. We’re supposed to not have secrets and if he’s having a problem with me for him to tell me directly not to cheat and try to find someone else to fulfill his needs.

    We don’t have sex maybe once every several months, maybe even once every year. But yet she could talk to people and have sex in the phone or on the computer. That’s not right. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should stay in my marriage. But I asked to leave when I should do. I do love my husband but it makes me sad knowing that he is not trying, that he hopes to get away with it and I don’t know what to do. I asked for help from God. I don’t know if God is letting me be in my marriage because he wants to make me stronger or because he has a plan for us and our marriage.

  14. I see this article and its missing something. The abuse factor; isn’t your husband suppose to love you like Christ loved the church? I have been in a severely emotional abusive relationship (with my husband ) for 13 years. And I’m positive God does not want me to stay. See, there’s always a missing link, people who are in love stick together,,, love is an action word!! And it is sin to also stay in a relationship that doesn’t have love. It’s actually sin! To pretend there is marital love but in fact there isn’t! Nobody should have to sacrifice their happiness in exchange for abuse.