What do you do if you’re the one who has done wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg? What if the other person won’t forgive you?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing —one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
Closed Spirit
First, remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. This can’t done that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong, and you have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
Apology is First
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
Take Full Responsibility
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Change in Attitude and Behavior
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step —repentance —may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
Prayer
Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
Patience
When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
Persistence
Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? And what if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
Pray First
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
Do What Won the Heart at Beginning of Relationship
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. This book gives solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it teaches how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a divorced single mother of two (boys) and I was unfaithful in my marriage and my husband divorced me. It’s been almost two years now since I have confessed and asked for forgiveness from him but he is still very angry (to the extent that he doesn’t want anything to do with me and the children). I am praying that God opens his spirit to forgive me. I truly believe that God is the only one that can open his heart to forgive me. It is very hard but I know that there is nothing impossible with God, I believe. I’m also praying that God will change me completely and make me a new and perfect woman.
(ZAMBIA) I know this is an old post but I can relate to this situation. When my husband cheated on me, I could not forgive him and decided to get into an affair. He discovered my affair of only about 2 months when he hacked into my mail box. I have tried to ask for forgiveness and mercy but he can’t grant it to me. We are currently not in the same house as I decided to move out on my own. That was a mistake I made though he had insisted at the time that I should not leave.
Now I am missing my husband. He won’t take my calls, he won’t reply to my text messages. I am so stressed and tired I don’t know what to do. How do I show him I am sincere in my apology when I can’t even see him? Nothing I say matters to him.
I really need to get through to him, but how? I realize I was praying wrongly. I will ask God to open his spirit. I know God hates divorce, and I want my husband of 9 years back. Please pray for my husband and I. Let God open his spirit so that he talks to me and restore my marriage. I cry everyday and have become a shadow of myself. The last message I sent was to tell him I will kill myself and still he did not reply. I need your prayers please.
(USA) Kutowa, I sympathize with you as your story was identical to my relationship. What I did, instead of concentrating on how to fix him and how to get him to listen, I began working on me, what can I do for me to make me feel better and to make me the best mom to my children. I have a wonderful church with wonderful support. For me, breaking off contact with him and working on my inner self and trying harding to find God, becoming more active in my church has helped me become a better woman.
It has taken 5 months but I am much stronger, the sadness has subsided and now he every now and then will reply to my text or phone. He needs help for him as well, but right now, concentrate on you. I promise it does get better. It may not be easy but it does get better. Maybe in time forgiveness will come.
I will pray for you that God will relieve you from your stress, from your depression, that he fill your life with peace and with happiness. Remember this that God loves you and knows that if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I hurt for you because I am going through what you are. God is a forgiving God. Take my suggestion of backing off contact with him and get help for you and see where that leads you. God bless you.
(CANADA) You absolutely do not have the right to blackmail your husband into responding to you. That was a ridiculous and selfish thing to do. Threatening to kill yourself if he did not reply? I’m not surprised he did not reply. The only reply that is appropriate to that kind of text message is to confirm to the sender that you are not a mental health professional and are not qualified to deal with those kinds of problems -someone suicidal needs to seek professional MEDICAL help.
Anybody on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour is going to see the selfishness rampant through it. You’re trying to emotionally blackmail your husband into giving you a response YOU want. What kind of person does that?? And no one -NO one is responsible for the suicide of another person. It is unlikely that your husband is going to be attracted to a weepy, clingy, obsessive, mentally unstable wife. What made your husband attracted to you to begin with? Try to move on. Try to forget about him (he CHEATED on you -why are you so keen to get him back?), go out with your friends, start some new hobbies, concentrate on work -whatever, get your life back. When you’re happy and vibrant excited about life, and you show your husband that you don’t need him and can get along just fine without him -THAT is when he will start to be interested in you again. You need to seriously rethink your actions.
(USA) I have an entire family of brothers and sisters that hate me and have disowned me for exposing their lifetime sin of incest and abuse towards me. Although they have cast me out and still live in thick denial, it hurts me so bad that I have no family anymore. I wish I could have kept it to myself, but their abuse would have killed me. I have forgiven all of them, but none of them will except it nor talk to me, and have raised generations since that of family to HATE my guts. I cry a bottomless river of tears, and beg God to intervene and to save them and forgive them yet it looks as if that will never happen. Many others since me have been raped, yet no one will admit it but me. I am unable to feel anymore, I am unable to lift my head, and I am all alone on this planet for telling those that I thought would protect me, instead they kicked me out at 16 years old.
My life has been a total nightmare, and I only have Jesus. I am alone in a crowd, I am alone at church, I do not belong anywhere. Is it wrong to want to kill myself? Life has kicked my butt! All of my family are rich, and prosper materially, I am a Child of God and live in poverty. What can I do to cause God to forgive me for ever telling. Why couldn’t I just take being raped like the rest of them do? I can hardly stand this cross any longer.
(USA) You are a child of the Most High GOD! Don’t you ever for a minute think that you were wrong for exposing your families sins. Sometimes, when we choose to do what’s right, and play on God’s team, we stand alone. That just comes with being a Christian.
As far as you feeling like you don’t belong at church, have you ever opened up and exposed your childhood? You would be surprised at how many others are keeping that same secret, ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. Your testimony could probably save somebody’s life! Get in a group at church or get some Christian based counseling to help you deal with your issues. Just because your family is materially prosperous, they are spiritually broke, and end the end, we can’t take our possessions with us.
I encourage you to pray for them and their salvation, sometimes even fast, and let God take care of the rest. He will. He won’t put more on you than you can bear. Let go and let God have his way! You don’t need God’s forgiveness for telling. He already knew what you were going through. And if the rape is still going on with any minors, it is your responsibilty to notify the authorities. Yeah, your family will be peeved, but they already are mad at you anyway. At least you could possibly save someone else from the pain that you are going through. Do not be ashamed, lift your head up high… God loves you more than you love yourself.
(USA) Hi Donni, Though I have gone through many of evils, I cannot pretend to understand the depths of the emotional turmoil that you went through and are still probably going through. Satan the enemy of our souls is a evil being indeed whose wickedness as no bounds in the spirit of men who care nothing about the things of God nor want to to do His will though they know what they ought to do to please God.
Even if lets say I have been through what you have been through, nevertheless, it is a journey in which you are going through and feel alone in it, which is natural. Only God can cure the heal a wounded spirit of man. All I can encourage you dear sister is to please stand firm in your faith and hang on and not give the evil one a double victory in shipwrecking your soul. May the Lord grant you strength.
(CANADA) Two things:
1. Your family is financially obligated to support you until you reach the age of 18, and you are entitled to be supported to the standard of living of your parents.
2. As a child of your parents, you have legal rights to inheritance. So, they’re rich – and that’s all well and good for you. When they die, even if they have left you nothing, you will be able to contest the will, prove you are a biological child, and you will in all likelihood get a nice little inheritance out of it.
Dear Donni, My heart truly goes out to you over this horrible situation. I can only imagine how deeply this hurts you and causes you to doubt the good that you tried to do. And despite the way that the enemy of our faith has worked against you, you DID do good. Rape and incest is ALWAYS wrong. Bringing darkness into the light and exposing it IS good — even if your family members joined in with the enemy and tried to make you look bad and the truth you brought out, as false. It isn’t. You know it isn’t, and God knows it isn’t. Please believe that God is not finished with this situation yet. I know this in my heart.
Right now, the enemy of our faith looks victorious. But as the old saying goes, “It ain’t over yet!” I encourage you, with all that is within, to look beyond the pain and the injustice you are presently experiencing, to see the bigger picture here.
The enemy of our faith is called a liar and one who steals. You can see the power of this type of influence, in what you have experienced and are experiencing. Those who give in to that lifestyle, though they may look like they are prospering for a season, live on slippery ground. From the outside, you look defeated, but all is not over. What you see going on is temporary by God’s time line. I pray you will hold on to that truth and look to the Lord for the victory He will bring about.
Just like it was with those who hurt and crucified Jesus, they looked like the victors for “a season” as if they were “winners.” But as is often the case, it was darkest before the dawn. And it WAS real dark for a time. But God eventually showed forth the dawning of His victory and defeated the enemy of our faith. (We can also see that with the life of the Apostle Paul, and the lives of the disciples, and other saints as well — good looked defeated. But God in His timetable, brought victory for the good of others down through the generations– including you and me.)
Recently, I wrote to someone else on the web site about what I learned in Psalm 73. I think it would be good for you to read it also because it’s a good example of someone (Asaph) crying out to God over the confusing circumstances he was living through (just as you are going through a time of confusion at this time). In it, he questioned why some people who do evil are allowed to get away with all kinds of injustices, and yet they appear to prosper. In verse 12 he says, “This is what the wicked are like — always carefree, they increase in wealth.” And then he questioned whether living “right” was worth it for him as he compared what was happening to him as opposed to what was happening to them. He said, “Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. If I said, ‘I will speak thus,’ I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me…”
He TRIED to understand and even questioned the wisdom of living in God’s ways. He said, “when I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me TILL I ENTERED THE SANCTUARY OF GOD; then I understood their final destiny.” When he went to God, eventually in the sanctuary of being before the Lord in prayer, he saw things he didn’t see before. He went on to say that God revealed to him the “slippery ground” they lived upon.
He also said, “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.” It shows that he DEEPLY questioned God to the point of being a “brute beast”. But he eventually came to the place where he realized, “Whom have I in heaven but you?” He goes on to acknowledge what God did for him. And then he said, “Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you” (notice he doesn’t say that this will be done in his timetable — God does things in HIS timetable, not ours). He goes on to say, “But as for me, it was good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.” I pray you will get to that place soon.
Donni, I’m so very sorry that you are experiencing this level of pain and betrayal. This is so grievous, that you have to experience this! I also sense that it grieves God’s heart to see you go through this, just as it grieved His heart to see His Son, and the disciples, and others who have been faithful to Him go through such extreme trials. But for some reason beyond our understanding, “for such a time as this” (just as Joseph experienced trials) God is allowing things to go this way, for a season. But I believe with my whole heart that God, just as He did with the others I mentioned here, will someday bring victory out of the ashes of your present and past experiences.
I hope that you will look for healthy ways to heal and look for healthy people to be your family. Sometimes those who are related to us physically must be replaced by those in the family of God, when the situation warrants it! And this is that type of situation. Use this time to work on healing your heart. In doing so, you will eventually be in a place where God can use you in the most wonderful ways eventually.
That is what He has done with me. I can’t tell you what has gone on in my background for personal reasons. But I can tell you that I went through some very, very dark times. But by God’s grace, He helped me to reach out for healing and help (which took many years) and as a result, I am whole enough to be used by God to help others through this ministry. I can’t thank Him enough for this! I know that God has a plan for you that would AMAZE you as well, if you knew what it was. I know this deep in my heart, and I claim it for you and hope you will grab onto it.
I encourage you to keep looking to the Lord for the help you need. Pray for your family that is in such denial. And pray for the innocent who need your prayers of protection.
Don’t allow those who hurt you to have the victory of seeing you hurt (or kill) yourself. Don’t give yourself over to the enemy’s hand. God is near. Keep trusting, and pursue the healing and help that you need right now.
Please know that I will pray for you, as well as many others who visit the Marriage Missions web site. Blessings in Him, Cindy
(USA) Hi Donni, I cannot add much to what Cindy said – she covered everything. Here is the only thing I wanted to add – read the verse I Corinthians 13:6.
True love (God’s version of love) rejoices in the truth. You told the truth. Anyone who has been violated knows it. You know you’re not lying. You’ve got God guiding you and prompting you to come out. Your family sounds like they do not have God. The same verse says true love does not rejoice in evil. Your family would rather keep turning heads (rejoicing in evil). They prefer to hide the truth.
Jesus is the truth, the way and the light. Satan wants to cloud that fact from the whole world, thereby "hiding the truth," same as your family. It seems clear (and hopefully it is to you, too) by reading your post who in your family is siding with truth and who is siding with Satan.
Bless you for sharing the evil and bringing it into the light. May our God comfort and and bring you joy, despite your current trials. Thanks for writing.
(CANADA) Hi Donny, I’m so sorry for all the pain that you’re going through. I can only imagine how hard it is. Cindy has given you great advice. I only wanted to tell you not to give up. You did the right thing and the way I see it, God has already helped you to forgive them. That’s huge coz not many people would be able to do that. God chose your heart to bring the evil things that are happening to light. He already knew how painful it would be so lean on Him coz He has all the answers for you. Lean on him with everything you have and remember that nothing is impossible with God. Pray for your family a lot and let God do the rest. One verse that always helped me was psalms 34:17-18. Nothing is to hard for Him just believe. Hope to hear from you soon. God loves you more than anybody else.
(USA) I am struggling with a marriage crisis with my wife of 28 years. She has a strong bitterness and resentment towards me – not for any one thing, but for what seems like hundreds of things that I have done (or not done) over the past 28 years – mostly things I have said or not said when I should have. She is seeing a therapist to try to deal with her feelings, but I see how she looks at me and I don’t have much hope. Do couples really get through these crises? I want to have hope, but find myself sinking into despair quite frequently. Prayers and any ideas are helpful.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi. I cheated on my wife once and it’s been two years since but she has not forgiven me. I can tell from the way she looks at me that she still is bitter. I have asked and begged for forgiveness but still nothing is changing. I was wrong I know. I have prayed that she forgives me over and over again instead I have just discovered she’s been cheating behind my back. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do anymore. I love her. I hate the fact that I will lose her. She told me that every dog has its day. Is this some kind of punishment or revenge?
(ZAMBIA) Concordia, sorry to say this but your wife is revenging. I say so because I am in a similar situation. My husband cheated on me and showed no remorse for his bahaviour. When I discovered he had unprotected sex with another lady, all he said was “sorry, just snap out of it”. He never even admitted he was wrong and never asked for forgiveness.
I would cry myself to sleep and he would never even show sympathy. We would stay without talking to each other for over 3 weeks. What kind of marriage is that? I needed him and he was never there.
Out of frustration, I joined a single networking group on the Internet. I found wonderful people who understood my pain. I became closer to one of them, and we would communicate everyday. He made an effort to come and visit me in my country, my husband discovered the relationship after he had gone back to his country. This is when he is trying to make things between us work.
You never showed you care, and now you are paying the price. When you get back together, be a good husband. Women do not cheat anyhow, but can hit back. It was not a good thing for me, but I was lonely and hurting. Good luck. I am not really religious person, but I love God and I felt guilty when I met the other man. I thought my husband hated me.
(USA) Dee, Really, women don’t cheat? Who are men having affairs with, other men? Of course not, it’s with women. Women leave husbands all the time. In fact, in the US, divorce is chosen by the woman 2 or 3 times more often than by the man. Seldom do those women have unfaithful or abusive husbands. So that right there is a form of cheating.
What strikes me as a compliment to this subject is not just the idea of not being forgiven by the other person. Even more often, the other person has wronged you, and doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong.
My ex-wife, you know, one of those women who don’t cheat, had an affair. Yet years later, no apology, nothing. In fact, she told me that what she did was NOT WRONG. So when I see this sort of thinking, that women don’t cheat, I have to speak up. Because when folks believe such lies, they begin to act as my ex-wife did and believe they can do no wrong, or that they are morally superior to their husbands, so anything they do is justified.
So as a complimentary topic to this one, how about we ponder what to do when folks wrong you and then act as if what they did was not wrong, no big deal, etc?
Personally, I believe we are to offer forgiveness, just as Christ did. But that forgiveness is only complete and effective when the person in the wrong confesses that sin and repents. We cannot forgive someone who is unwilling or unable to do that. All we can do is to be ready to forgive, as Christ is ready to forgive. But just as with Christ, if we don’t accept His forgiveness, we’ll pay the price.
I’m not saying that we should punish those who sin against us. We leave that to God. But we cannot declare them forgiven unless they accept the forgiveness offered, as in the example of Christ and our Salvation. Forgiveness, like salvation should be offered to all, but is not effective unless accepted by the sinner.
(ZAMBIA) Tony, you never stop to amaze me. I have read most of your posts. Anyway, I get your point. The thing is I am really going through a rough patch at the moment and my husband can’t even speak to me because of the same affair. We are not together as I moved out 3 months ago.
I regret the whole thing and I want to get back home, but he says he needs time to think about it. I am afraid it’s the end of our marriage. I was a fool. I only pray we resolve it and reconcile if possible.
(AUSTRALIA) I love my wife and we have been married for twenty five years. After we were married I started to gamble and not pay attention to my wife. The reason was because we were blessed with a baby daughter. She had a heart disease and I could not cope as my wife did. My wife threw her attention to me but I did not respond. Only when I needed it too. Our daughter passed away last year after twenty three years and I stopped gambling.
I told my wife everything and she became stressed and built a brick wall. She does not want anything to do with and keeps telling me that there is nothing left for me. I am trying so hard that she sometimes eggs me on to yell at her. I think this is so she can tell her friends what a terrible person I am. But really I love her that much that I get frustrated when she does this. There are even times when she goes out with her friend, in front of her, she kisses me. Then when I come to kiss her hello, she tells me not to as she does not love. me. I am confused. Can someone make sense of this? I do not want to leave her because I love her. I do not care about the sexual part of our marriage. I keep telling her that we need to build a friendship before we go to that next step.
(USA) I treated my wife terribly. Why I did not know or realize for a long time. I was always a kind person (so I thought) before I met her. Although, yes I had a terrible anger since all my life. I never quite understood my anger until I started to discover my resentments or feeling of lashing out when I was hurt. Ego had a big role in the lashing out because I’ve been raised with too much positive affirmations by my family for being deaf. I think my family wanted to make sure I did not feel less important than others because of my deafness by telling me I was special or so smart and better than others. It might be true; maybe I do have special abilities that others do not but doesn’t everyone? Was it really necessary for my mother and grandfather to constantly tell me this to a point that made me feel superior to others? Seems like a very unchristian way to make one feel more superior (deaf culture does this too). I think it is a coping mechanism for the disability loss.
My grandpa and mother are not Christians and believe in Pantheism. I think that by doing this to me I was instilled with a feeling of superiority that even today I can’t shake but must constantly remind myself that I am not. So then whenever I was hurt I felt wronged as I should be “superior” or better than others I lashed out.
I discovered Christ on my own but very infantile beliefs about when I was 18. I met my wife at 25 and now after 8 years of marriage I have hurt my wife too much to the point that she was afraid of my anger and hid things from me so I was fooled thinking things were fine. I did realize my abusive ways so I stopped for a long time after waking up to it after about three years and tried everything to be a good husband, but it still wasn’t good enough because I fooled myself again thinking I was doing right by her with being “financially” responsible and being caring and making sure all the needs were met without running out of money, which I never made much of since I was the only breadwinner with her on her social security. Again I was still selfish, maybe a coping mechanism because I wasn’t really being loved.
But I missed a critical thing in our relationship. Love. I didn’t show I cherished her. I didn’t show I loved her. I said it a million times but it was empty to her because I wasn’t there for her when she needed an extra hand with the children. I wasn’t there for her when she needed so much. So ego again disillusioned me. But I woke up about a month ago when I realized the lack of love and caring and asked her what was wrong and discovered her true feelings about me.
Now for the past month I have been doing everything I should have and she tells me that she has no love for me even when I am doing for her everything a good husband would do now. But it is “too late.” I asked if she forgives me since she believes she is a Christian. She says she does. But it does not change her feelings for me. I read about the Bible saying we have to forget as much we forgive in order to love again. But forgetting is part of it too as Joseph forgot his brother’s misdeeds selling him to slavery. And God erases your sin when he forgives you through Christ. But are we human really capable of forgetting? I know I have but maybe it isn’t possible for her. Joseph did.
She says she cannot forget. Does that mean she is not really forgiving? I did ask but can’t really expect her to forget because how does one willing forget such a hurtful past? She won’t even hug me or kiss me anymore. I can’t share my feelings with her anymore because that just closes her spirit more so I write a diary for her to read someday but don’t expect her to ever read it unless I die and she comes across it somehow but unlikely. It involves a lot of introspection of my sins on her and how I am trying to be a better man now.
Also, not only was she abused by me, she was also but by her father mother, teachers in school, best friend growing up. She hit a breaking point with me and is rebelling against everything now, not wanting to be a housewife anymore, not taking care of the kids as much she did which she did all the time. And she is leaving the house to rebuild her life but I am afraid she is rebuilding a life away from the way of Christ which I know is wrong. Anything I do to try to convince her only fuels her anger and I had to back off. I know she does not owe me anything.
My question is, why is it that I have to be awaken to my terrible actions and become a better person (even though I know I am still not a good person but humbled to try to do them right everyday)? And now I am worried she is running off down the wrong path that will lead her astray from God. She and I agreed that we are going through to divorce, which we can’t even afford for another couple months. She is still stuck with us for financial reasons until she can afford a place that she will roommate with her brothers. Also we are considering the 3 month delay for the kids to make it less painful for the three girls of ours who are 4, 6 and 7.
Also to make this even harder I’m recently unemployed and am trying to find a more stable job with help of others. AND, the 6 year old is autistic so that makes this even harder since it will be hard for her to adapt to this change. I am more than happy to let her go because she thinks she will be happier this way but I am worried for her that she will not really find true happiness with the debts of her past still hanging on her shoulders. I know in my heart that I think this divorce is wrong because neither of us cheated on each other with another person. But I did betray her by not being a good husband, I broke my vows to cherish, honor, and be there for better or worse.
I still see her as a good person and who has endured so much to be there and is willing to stay a friend with me for the childrens’ sake but I can see it in her face and heart she really does not want to do anything with me anymore but is only willing to do it because of our children. She is so kind to even let me be a part of the kids lives still. So we made this arrangement for me to care for the kids while she is off to rebuild her life and still will responsible with the kids care on a 50/50 legal and physical custody until she can get back on her feet which I have told her I am willing to help her with anytime and she is always welcome back the home if things get too hard.
I still feel the total obligation to her for all that I have done to her and her willingness stay with me for the past 3 years of our 8 years of marriage even when she did not feel love for me anymore and said would have kept going until one day have had to run away had I not found the truth about her feelings. I have lost all my anger and hate for anyone in my life and have no resentments and only self-reminding because I am truly humbled by this experience learned to truly forgive everyone in my life for anything I felt wronged for and hope those I have wronged forgive me. It really has awoken me and changed me I realized how wrong and terrible I was. I am tortured by it every night since the devil rules our flesh and tries to constantly worm into our heart. It feels like the devil is working even harder now that I am trying to walk the righteous path.
I still do feel intense love and even real love for her but she will not be able to give it back. I have been trying to shift this love to Christ because I know she can’t give it back but know Christ can since I ask for forgiveness and know his love is like a rock. But I am now feeling intense love for everyone even though I cannot expect it be returned. I still dream of pursuing her but I know I am disillusioned.
Her family doesn’t want to talk to me anymore even though she didn’t tell them everything about the abuse but I am sure they figured it out on their own. They are being supportive of her and I don’t blame them if they hate me. It is so hard to let go. I am so torn with love, feeling hated, caring for others and feeling need for physical affection that I can’t get from anyone other than our children but it does not feel the same as a partner’s affection that I keep feeling desire for but I don’t want to “want” because too me the priority is making sure the girls and my wifes needs are met above my own.
To think I’m being selfish or doing something selfish loathes me. I am so unsure what to do anymore because it eats me up everyday and I try to put on a happy face for her and stay out of her way. I feel so much anguish I break out in cold sweats every night and have lost 23 pounds over the last month due to lack of appetite and don’t feel like I want to live anymore, feeling it would just be better if I was out of everyone’s way and not a reminder of the past, but know I can’t die because I feel obligated to her and the children.
I improve a little when she is gone from the house and doing care for the kids but I still feel I am doing wrong to let her divorce me because I am worried for her soul. I read that isolation or disassociation does not solve your hurt and only makes it worse in the long run. All I do is make her more annoyed since all she just wants to do is escape and be by herself and play on facebook or do her P90X exercises which she has become obsessed with.
She says she is the one wants to leave because she feels she can’t rebuild her life if she is with the house and kids trapped in the past life of 8 years and needs to be independent and rebuild herself again but I don’t know if that is really right for her even though her family thinks it is and is supporting her to. She’s staying with her brother. So I am completely torn with all the moral beliefs and the emotions that don’t coincide with them. I talk to my father but he isn’t Christian and I don’t think he understands my anguish. I have too many non Christian friends and yet I do care for them and tolerate them for their needs. The only person I trust is Christ and even my wife because one thing she has never done is betray my trust. I trust her even through all the nitpicks of evil voices trying to tell me other things that make me paranoid which is another reason for my abuse. Sorry for this long single paragraph. I’m not good at English either.
(UK) Looks like you are on some journey. I hope you can find support to help you through. Does your church run, or knows a place that runs, groups for men who have been abused and want to change? The kind of support you can get through interacting with others in such groups will be invaluable. There have even been some well-known curricula that have been adapted to men of faith, like Changing Men, Changing Lives – check it out in theduluthmodel.org – new curriculum (video presentation).
As for your questions on forgiveness, there is a lot of misunderstanding about forgiveness. There is a great Bible study on what forgiveness is and what it is not: http://moonvalleybible.org/sermons/2008-10-12_Matthew_06_12,14-15_Prayer_Transcript_2.pdf. Also check out this answer to a question from a man who thinks his wife should accept him if he has apologized: http://www.rbc.org/questionsDetail.aspx?id=62352.
Hope all of this helps as you wade through a lot of confusion, hurt and distress, but come through stronger and more enlightened with truth, regardless of whether your wife responds well or not.
(USA) The thing is that I do accept that we weren’t right for each other. Probably never were. My wife has made that clear that she never felt it was right from the beginning. How can I battle something that always felt like a lie to her since the beginning? Yes I do accept all that I have done wrong and yes she does forgive me and made that clear.
But the feeling is unshakable for her that we do not belong together and that she tells me “I deserve to find better” to find a woman that would be better suited for me since she feels she never was right for me. But equally hard is my belief as following in the Bible about divorce is wrong and remarrying is also wrong in the bible makes it twice as hard for me to let go.
But I also don’t want to be unmarried or alone again. It feels wrong but logically it feels right. So hence for my TornMan title. I acknowledge everything she says and what I did. She forgives me and admits her own mistakes about things she did in our relationship but says she doesn’t have the feelings for me and to continue to try would be unfair to me since I would be the only one with the love in the relationship.
We agree on the logical thing behind that it would be better for both of us to move on it but my beliefs and understanding of divorce as preached in the bible go against that and is driving a wedge into myself we are both going separate ways and I am tired of giving her a hard time about it because I don’t want to destroy our friendship which we still do have because of these feelings.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have two young children. We have struggled throughout our marriage. Much of the problem was due to the baggage I brought with me from my childhood. All of it undealt with and unresolved. I wasn’t aware of how badly I treated him most of the time. We have been separated before and he had an affair that began before that separation.
While we were separated I came to know the Lord. We reconciled and after he returned home, my husband prayed for salvation. We continued to work through our unresolved issues a little at a time. There were some things in my past that I kept hidden from my husband and piece by piece I let go of those things each time telling him it was the full truth. Now he cannot believe I have given him the full truth because I lied to him twice telling him it was the full truth.
He thinks something is wrong with me because I have forgiven him for the affair. I have tried to explain to him that it is because of Christ and his forgiveness for me that I can forgive. He is deeply angry, bitter and resentful and says he cannot forgive me. He believes that we built our relationship/marriage on lies. I have asked forgiveness and apologized.
I try to be loving and patient. He has said that being a Christian is not for him and he thinks I won’t accept him without being Christian. I told him that I love him as he is. I believe that he has turned away and is offended by my Christian lifestyle. I do not preach to him and try to live the life without speaking it but I believe he is seeking after the world and is feeling the distance between us because of it. He is deeply angry and bitter and acts on it daily. He is afraid to forgive, afraid that there will be more lies, afraid to let go of his anger because he feels right to be angry. He says he wants a divorce but we cannot afford it now and it may likely be awhile before we can afford it. We live now in a desperate situation. Our children can sense something is wrong and they see the changes. Please pray for us!
(KENYA) Guys, I need your prayers. I was flirting with a friend of my girlfriend and when my girlfriend asked me about it. I denied it. She eventually found out from the text the friend had send me. She was so upset and I honestly apologized. At first I was on the defensive because it wasn’t an intimate affair but then later on realised my mistake. I have tried my best to apologize to her because I know she is the one and I felt so guilty of my actions. This whole incidence has taken a toll on me and I have lost interest in life. Please pray with me so that God can open the fist she folds so that she can forgive me and allow me back to her life. I can never repeat it again and desperately need your prayers because I love her so much. God bless you.
(USA) If you forgive your burden will be lifted. Sadly, or it could a good thing is that now that person is the Lord’s problem when it comes to forgiveness. Yes, if you do see that person, try to be nice. I just apologized to somebody I got mad at 2 years ago and left without a saying a word. I had to tell him why I was mad at him because he demanded it. But he sounded upset and had an attitude like “it’s your fault.”
Still, for once, I felt lifted because now the Lord will go to work on that person. Even if it sounded like he didn’t forgive me, I know the Lord will work wonders.
Always pray and have faith in God. Maybe not today the miracle will come, but you never know. I used to get mad if people never forgave me but I thank the Lord today that he gave me a softer heart and the wisdom and ability to control what I can and what not. It took me 30 years to learn forgiveness, but you see how the Lord never gives up on you?
(NIGERIA) My husband started having trust issues with me when I told him I had to go to an official meeting without him tagging along. God knows how much I love him and how I have been completely and utterly faithful and honest to him.
All of a sudden, out of the blue, he started to accuse me of unfaithfulness and walked away. I have explained, begged immensely by SMS and phone calls, called everyone that means something to us to speak to him on my behalf, but he wouldn’t budge. At this point, am thinking of walking away because I have begged for 3 weeks continuously, day and night, for sin I definitely did not commit, and am still not forgiven! Please, I need advise and prayers.
(ANTIGUA) Hi, I just wanted to add to the discussion. Back in 1995 before I got married to my husband I had a brief relationship with another man while my then boyfriend was out of the country. My then boyfriend returned the next year after being away for 2 years and we got married. He did ask if I ever cheated and I lied. Two months into our marriage he confessed that he cheated while he was away and I immediately forgive him. He again asked me if I ever cheated and I said no again.
In 2004, before I give my life to Christ in water baptism, I confessed this affair to him which would be about 10 years into the marriage. He said it was okay because at that point he was being unfaithful to me in the marriage and we were going through a reconciliation.
But for the last 2 years it has been crazy in our marriage. He has brought this whole situation up and now cannot let it go to rest. We are constantly fighting and he is blaming all his infidelity on what I did saying I brought that guy’s spirit into the marriage and all sorts of things.
I am still walking in my Christian faith but at this point want to leave the marriage because of his unforgiving spirit. We are on our knees every morning with our 3 children praying and once the weekend comes this spirit enters and he goes off and it is becoming very dangerous now with the threats he is making. He says he does not want me and when I attempt to leave he wants to kill me or makes threats that if I leave he will kill me. I love him yes, but would want to leave for my safety and the kids well being.
What are your recommendations?
(USA) Dear Yvonne, It seems like you and your husband have both done a lot of cheating — not only against each other in the past, but in the ways in which past sin has and is being treated. I hope your husband comes to understand that your children are not only learning through the times that you pray with them, how to approach God, but also how to treat their future spouses as those who profess to be spiritual. They can see that a spouse can say one thing to God, on their knees along with their children, and yet insult and assault that same spouse afterward. Two contrary messages are being conveyed.
You might consider asking your spouse (during a non-conflict time), if he can’t forgive you, can he strive to forgive the mother of his children — for their sakes, if not for you own? Ask him, what would Jesus have him do (if it is safe to approach him in this manner)?
As for leaving him, Yvonne, please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. It might be more dangerous for you to leave him without putting some safeguards into place. I hope that somehow he can scale back his contempt and the threats that he hurls at you, and take more seriously the times he can spend in prayer with you to help heal your relationship, rather than escalating in destroying it. But if not, you need to consider how to best protect you and the kids. How very, very sad! I pray peace for you life –for you and your children, as well.