Marrying someone from another culture can be exciting! There are so many things that are new and different, interesting and challenging. But these same things can be a source of frustration and conflict, misunderstandings and hurt. Before you marry someone from another nation, take a look at the list below. Perhaps you will see some things there that you have not considered.
We are not trying to convince you that marrying someone from another culture is right or wrong. That is something you will have to determine for yourself, as you seek God’s wisdom. But the Word does say that a wise man calculates the cost before beginning construction on a house. Hopefully this will help you consider the cost of cross-cultural marriage.
Marrying Someone from Another Culture
Marrying someone from another culture could mean that one of you will be living outside of your home nation permanently. This means that you will not be able to see your family very often. It also means your children will see very little of at least one set of parents (their grandparents).
The following are a few questions to ask yourselves before you go any further in considering marrying someone from another culture:
• Are you willing for your children to not really know your parents?
Not only will your children not have the opportunity to know one set of grandparents very well, if there is a language barrier, one set of parents will not be able to really communicate well with your children.
• Are you willing for your family members to not be able communicate well with your children?
Marrying someone from another culture means that you will have a hard time understanding each other’s humor. Things that are funny to one will not be funny to the other. You will have to explain the humor to one another. (Examples are: Jokes from TV shows, childhood games, and comic strips.)
Also, When Marrying Someone from Another Culture Consider:
• Are you willing to take the time to explain why something is funny to you?
• Have you considered that you might get tired of having to explain jokes to one another?
• Are you ready to just accept the fact that you won’t be able to share each other’s humor?
Marrying someone from another culture means that one of you will not be experiencing your cultural traditions and/or national celebrations.
• Are you willing to let go of some of your traditions and celebrations?
Marrying someone from another culture means that one of you must be willing to not give your children the cultural traditions and national heritage that you have.
• Are you willing for your children to grow up with a different set of family traditions than your own?
Additionally:
You need to be aware that the day may come when you may need to move to your spouse’s home country.
• Are you willing to live in your spouse’s home country indefinitely?
You may need to consider that the socioeconomic class one holds in one culture, may not cross over in another culture. For example, a well educated man from Latin America may not receive the same respect he enjoys if he lived in the United States or Australia.
• Are you willing to lose your place in society?
• Have you considered how both of your cultures view cross cultural marriages? Light skinned people marrying dark skinned people may be perfectly OK in Venezuela, but frowned upon in S. Korea.
• Are you willing to face the possibility of being prejudiced against because of your spouse’s nationality or color?
Growing up in another culture means that the gender role models for your children may not be what you would consider to be good role models. (Examples are: Machismo in Latin America, and outspokenness in American women.)
Furthermore:
• Are you willing for your children to grow up with gender role models you don’t approve of?
You may need to consider the effect of the “home court advantage” on your marriage. If a foreign man marries an American woman and they live in the United States, she would be cast in the leadership role in some aspects of their relationship. (She would better understand the language and protocol of the nation.) Whereas if they lived in his nation, he would be able to lead out more effectively in their marriage.
• Have you considered how the “home court advantage” may affect your marriage relationship?
This article was written by Bill and Carol O’Hara. They are former missionaries, involved with Marriage Ministries International. They also formerly had their own web site along with their children Kim and Ryan. Unfortunately, it is no longer available on the Internet. That is where we found the above article posted.
— ALSO —
To give you further insight as to some of the positives and negatives when one marries someone else from another culture, the following Boundless.com web site link will take you to an article where you can read about several couples and their experiences within:
Finally, here’s one last article we recommend you read and work through:
• STEPPING OUT OF ONE FAMILY INTO ANOTHER
After reading all of this, please note that you may be a good couple to date each other. But it may be that the obstacles are too large to overcome for you and you shouldn’t marry. Or perhaps you will be good together. But whatever you do, make sure you both face the truth of what you will have to work through should you decide to marry.
Keep in mind that marriage is a lifelong commitment. If BOTH of you do not have the mindset and commitment to marry your differences together FOR A LIFETIME, you should not marry. But if you will both work through your differences in partnership, then take your request to marry to God and see what he tells you. But whatever you do, be honest with each other, with God and with yourself. Don’t marry unless you BOTH will work to make your marriage a good one.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
(USA) I’m a 25 year old woman who has been dating a 24 year old Black American guy for almost two years. We are considering getting married in the near future. Here’s that catch. I was born and raised here in the states all my life and while my parents tried to instill as much of their Nigerian customs as they could, I still consider myself an American. I did grow up with Nigeria children to an extent however, my parents sheltered us a lot from the outside world as to protect us and I didn’t grow up with Nigerian kids in the same way the rest of the Nigerian community did.
Now that I have brought my relationship with my American guy to their attention, they are trying to talk me out of it. He’s a Christian, loves the Lord as do I, and although we still have some spiritual and mental growing up to do, I believe that God can bless this relationship if we make Him the central factor and not my parents. I know that my parents have culture to uphold and they need to look good to the other Nigerians but this does not concern me. I’m starting to buckle under the pressure and I don’t want to end my relationship with him because my parents want to save face. What do you think?
(USA) Girl, don’t worry about what others say if you really love this man then that is your choice, not your parents or other people’s. If he makes you happy that should be the only thing that they are concerned about. You’re the one who is with him at the end of the night, not them.
(MOROCCO) First, you have to be sure that he loves you as you love him. Then do what you feel that is right. I don’t wanna say not to care about your parent wishes, but what I want to say is to balance between your parent’s wishes and your wishes. Try to keep both of your parents and your lover rather than to lose any one of them.
(UNITED STATES) Well, if it is of no concern to you, what you look like to the other Nigerians because you are with this man, then why end it?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m a 21 year old South African who is deeply in love with a Congolese guy. He makes me happy and I feel no pressure when I’m with him. I worried about what my family friends and other people’s comment might be when they find out about my relationship. I know I’m young but I’m not looking for anybody else; he’s the perfect type for me. And I do know that he loves me.
(U.S.A.) Dear Hope, I don’t know you or this young man, but I plead with you to make sure, very, very sure that he’s someone you can build a solid, loving home with. Most everyone going into marriage thinks that their love is unique and will be able to weather and that their love will only grow deeper with time. That is a romance bubble almost every pre-married couple enters into (that is later popped when the realities of life hit). The divorce courts and unhappy homes are filled with those who began life together that way.
We just received a letter from someone whose husband is divorcing her. She’s absolutely confused as to why he’s doing that. She wrote, “I still cannot believe he wants to proceed to divorce without seeing me; that boggles my mind. I can’t believe he wants to proceed period. He told me I would ‘always be his breath and his heartbeat.’ I guess ‘always’ didn’t really mean always. He told me I was his ‘everything.’ I guess everything didn’t really mean everything.” It’s heart-breaking!
I write this to you, not to discourage or frighten you, but to hopefully give you a “wake-up call.” This couple obviously thought they were the “perfect” match as well. When you say he is “the perfect type” for you — that sends up a red flag, because no one is the perfect type except God, Himself. Everyone comes into marriage carrying emotional baggage (with much of it being unopened until the reality of married life draws it out). That’s when the testing of your character, commitment to each other and your commitment to making your marriage the best it can be, will come into play… or I should say, “work” … because there is a lot of work that goes into making a marriage a good one. If you don’t make a good team together, then your marriage will be lacking, or will die, I’m sorry to say. Some people can have a great time being together while dating, but they make lousy marriage partners.
Give yourself much more time and put marriage preparation effort into really making sure (to the degree that you can be). I urge you to go through our web site — particularly the topic titled, “Marriage Preparation Tools” and talk with this young man. Ask each other question after question — vowing to be completely honest with each other, even if you’re afraid it will cause problems. It’s better to deal with some of these conflict issues now to see if you’re both good at building relationship bridges now (particularly when you have cultural issues to bridge as well, than to be sorry later that you didn’t test this side of your relationship. If he doesn’t want to do it, honestly, I wouldn’t proceed any further. This would tell you that he’s not ready for the tough stuff that marriage brings if he isn’t willing to put in the preparation work ahead of time. That will tell you that you will pretty much have to go it alone at times in your marriage — that YOU will have to put in the work, but not to expect him to do so.
You won’t be able to find out all there is to know by going through these questions, but this will give you a good start. And this won’t guarantee everything will be fine… but you will be SO much further along in doing what you should, to really know. Too many couples neglect to take this important step, only to seriously regret it later. I’d hate for you to live with these types of regrets.
(BANGLSDEAH) I’m 22 years old. Who I love, he is a plastine boy and now living in Saudi Arabia. He is 24 years. We are deeply in love, have been for 3 years, and we are thinking of getting married. We both are ready to fight. We know it’s difficult but not impossible. And the most important thing is we are willing to sacrifice; from love to lovely home, everything needs sacrifice.
(PHILIPPINES) I am 27 years old, married to an American and I will undergo interview Nov. 10 in an embassy. But when I review some of their questions I cannot understand very much what they mean by the questions: What are your concerns about being married to someone from another culture? And what do you think the biggest problem will be and have you thought about how you will deal with them? I have idea in the U.S culture yet, please send me what is the right answer. Thank you.
(MEXICO) I’m 22 years old, I have a long distance relationship with my American boyfriend for 3 and half years. I met him when I took a year abroad to learn English when I was 18. After my 12 months there I had to come back home to start my carreer. I’m still 3 semesters away from finishing and our plan is to get married and for me to move up there. My family is supportive even though some of them can’t communicate with him since he does not speak spanish (it’s incredibly akward to be translating conversations between my dad and him).
It’s been awfully hard to hear comments of his friends telling I’m with him to get a green card. He obviously knows what kind of person I am and doesn’t pay attention to those comments. I’ve asked him to consider the possibility of building our family in Mexico. But even though he loves to spend time here it doesn’t seem like it’s something he would like permanently. It’s hard for me to let go on my heritage, customs, language and family. I would do it for him but it would be definitely great to see that he would be willing to do the same for me.
(MOROCCO) Ok girl, if you really love this guy you have to stay with him. Don’t worry about what other people say because love is a great thing that you can have in this world. Also don’t worry about your parents because they are not going to live with this man. But the decision is up to you. If you love him very much you must stay with him. I hope you take the right choice and the good decision. With all my love, Yousra
(MOROCCO) It is true that it’s all about love, but sometimes love can be blind, if we let go and put aside each other’s culture and traditions. I believe a good couple is to be aware and have in their daily attention the cultural differences and know how to live with it. Marriage isn’t just pleasure but indeed is a job that needs someone who has patience and commitment, and is maturity enough to understand his/her spouse.
I would advise that girl to go for it and get married but to be very aware to understand his culture, his religion, if it’s different, his country and family traditions and live with it. If she can’t then she simply apologizes with a good and kind manner about certain things –that she cannot be part of in his culture, and everything will be just fine and almost perfect since perfection belongs to God only.
Peace be upon you and God bless you all, Imperial resident
(CANADA) Hi Nenna, Your story is very well like mine. You have to trust in the Lord and continuously pray for your couple… That your testimony be a blessing to your family and that it brings many to Christ.
We must remember that all things will pass, including our countries, nations, ways of life etc… Only Jesus will not pass. Ultimately, I think before anything else, you must connect spiritually with your partner. Only the spiritual lasts and serving God in spirit and in truth. Keep honoring your family (as is right before God), visiting them, loving them etc… “When God approves the ways of a man, he disposes in his favor even his ennemies”. Have faith!
(MEXICO) I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with an Italian girl for 3 years now. We met when she came to the US to study abroad for 1 year (I am an international student from Mexico, currently attending a University in the US, the same one she went to), and by the time she left, we were already in a relationship.
Nowadays, we use Facebook and Skype to keep in touch, but with Italy being 7 hours ahead of the US, finding time for each other during the weekdays were very slim. I have gone to Italy twice for breaks just to see her, explore her culture and just enjoy being with her in her hometown of Milan, Italy. She’s been thinking of coming to Mexico City (where I lived) with me for Spring Break this year so I can introduce her to my family. She speaks Italian as her native language, but is also very fluent in Spanish, English and Portuguese, so I know communication will not be an issue between them.
We are in love with each other, and marriage is still a ways away, but we have talked about it from time to time. We have also discussed settling in the US, if possible.
We are aware of each other’s cultural background, and although we generally enjoy the other’s culture, I feel like we still could use some exploring so we can really see the differences and whether or not they will affect our relationship and possible our future marriage.
I’m just lost on what to do now. Our plan right now is to just finish our education (I am in my final year at the University, whereas she still has 1 year left), and we’ll see what happens afterwards… I’m just worried that there might be one or more differences in our cultures that will cause problems with our relationship later on…
(TUNISIA) I’m 21 years old, and I’m in love with a Bosnian guy. To communicate we use both English and we’re planning to get married and we’re going to settle in Bosnia :( I know I’ll miss my family (they mean everything to me..).. My dad is not okay with the idea that I’ll leave Tunisia. I’m so confused about everything BUT not my love for him.
(TUNISIA) Same situation for me too :(
(USA) My girlfriend and her family came to the U.S. from Saudi Arabia when she was extremely young. As a result, her household is much like the households over there. Her family is a pretty strict Islamic family, while she isn’t so much, hence why we are dating.
I’ve been kept a secret, because it is just a fact that her parents would not allow me to be in her life. I’m a senior in high school, she’s a junior, and we just started dating about 3 months ago now. But I love her. I’d honestly do anything to be with her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t share the same mentality. She isn’t willing to open herself to love for me because she cares too much about how her family would react. I’m not thinking about marriage right now or anything, because we are simply too young, and so much could happen. But she has pretty much put an expiration date on our relationship because she knows that she wants to marry a boy with a similar cultural background and race so that he fits in with her family, effectively leaving me in the dust.
She is my best friend on the planet, and I’m hers. But I wish that there was something I could do to at least give myself a chance. I’ve never met someone so perfect in my eyes, someone that I’m willing to give so much up for, and dedicate every bit of my being to her. I just wish there was something I could do. I feel hopeless.
(UNITED STATES) Wow! I’ve come across something interesting so here’s my honest opinion. Im an American male currently living in Peru (I’ve been here almost three years). I just ended a year and half relationship with my ex-girlfriend (Peruvian) back in January of 2012 mainly because I’m an American and beleive that American men and Latin american women are just very bad mixes indeed!
I’ve finally come to realize that North American men just do not have the so-called spunk to keep a typical Latin American happy. However, it is interesting to note that my ex was definitely not with me for the purpose of a green card because she already came from a family with money so the issue of being with an American was not based on 1.) To marry me and obtain papers later or 2.) Asking for certain quanities of money because in Peru (without a doubt, can be classified as a thrid world developing country) it was best for me to realize that my relationship with her was wrong. I’ve realized that people of such different nationalties cannot get along in a successful sufficient intimate manner etc.
I plan one day to go back to the United States in the future and eventually marry an American woman because it takes an American woman to understand an American man!
(MALAYSIAN) Howdy, people. look, here! When you are dating someone from a different background, there are lots of matters that need to be considered in the first place. Your different backgrounds, languages, perspectives on life, religions, cultures including food, attire, festivals and etc. Differences DONT always mean separation in future. Let me repeat it: differences DONT mean problems. I’m sorry if some of you have come across bad nasty divorce/separation before, because of differences. But to rethink about it, even people from the SAME ethnical background, experience nasty divorce/separation. It’s all about finding your HAPPINESS.
When a person is publicly willing to start a relationship (regardless different / same background) s/he is willing to publicly COMMIT to it. Commitment involves accepting and offering thrust, willingness to fight for your happiness, mutually compromise for each other and many more. But lets say yours turns up bad at the end, it’s ok. Take it as an opportunity to learn new things about life and just march up! (I’m a malay-yemeni lady married to an egyptian-american man, settling down in Malaysia.)
(HONDURAS) Thank you for your comments. It really helped me.
(USA) I am 25 years old. 5 years ago I worked in an orphanage in Haiti. While I was there I met a national Pastor’s son. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was special, I could tell he loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him. He and I hit it off from the beginning. I know I fell in love with him from the first time I saw him; it was almost as if someone told me he was going to be important in my life. The time came when I had to return to America, but my heart never left Haiti. This guy and I became engaged, but it has not been an easy road. We have had to deal with long distance relationship, problems with my family not wanting to accept him etc.
Now five years later, we are still together, and I am so happy to say we will be getting married in less than two months! When you truly love someone, you can overcome any obstacle. Never give up on your dreams; I was told to give up by many people and so was my fiancé. But now we will be together, and our marriage will be stronger because of all the obstacles we faced and made it through.
Hi Bobbi, I’m happy for you. Just remember that this is just the beginning obstacle for many that will come in the future after marriage. Our lives never stop giving us obstacles to overcome. But when we marry, God uses them as a vehicle to help to grow us into the character of Christ. Determine NOW to not grow apart –that when obstacles come (which they definitely will) and when the shine rubs off of the newness of love and you start drifting apart (which it definitely will) determine together that you will do what it takes to weather each storm together.
Dr Steve Stephens’ in his book, “Marriage: Experiencing the Best,” gives a good way to look at this issue in marriage: “Relationships go up and down while love comes and goes. Someone once asked Alan Alda, the famous television and movie star, how he managed to have such a long and successful marriage. His answer was that most relationships begin with a ‘vibrant’ love, but soon fade into ‘utter discontent.’ It is easy to give up and forget that ‘love returns in waves… you just have to wait it out.’ Alan Alda was right; love is like the tides of the ocean. Sometimes they come in and the passion is high. You feel the love and the relationship is wonderful. Then there are times when the tide is out —sometimes way out. The relationship is dry and lifeless. The love is gone.
“You look out at the sea and wonder if the tide will ever return. But if you’re patient and stay at the beach, the waves will again crash on the shore. The excitement and romance will return. You will feel love again.” I hope that you and your future husband will always keep that in mind. Right now, it may seem like that will never happen, but it does, even in the best of marriages. To help prevent yourselves from seriously drifting, you need to continually work intentionally at building your relationship in loving ways so that when the storms of life hit you (a serious illness or loss of a job or such) and when little waves of busyness keeps nipping away at your relationship, the investment you made all along, will help you to return back together again. May God help you and guide you in your relationship.
(BAHRAIN) I come from Bahrain and while I was studying abroad, I met this amazing beautiful lady, who comes from Iran. We’ve been together for over 2 years now and we had the best time of our lives together. We feel comfortable with each other. We might argue some times, but our relationship is perfect. The thing is we are of the same age, and planning to further our studies and take a Master’s degree together, and as soon as we are done, I will propose to her; of course with her parents permission.
The thing is that I am young, and I never had the chance to work, nor save any money. Basically, I did not build my self yet, my father is supporting me right now. Getting married to her would be the best decision I would ever take in life, my parents are okay with it, her mother too; but her father is expecting something big by the time I come propose to her. Meaning, I would have an apartment, car, a good job and salary, basically be able to take the responsibility of his daughter and take care of her. I don’t blame him for feeling that way, it’s his right.
Our age might be one of the challenges right now, since in both of our cultures, it is very crucial to get married within our specific age.
I cannot keep her hanging like that because she’s a lady and has plans to do in her life. I love her and she feels the same too. I would do whatever it takes to have her by my side. There are some things we do not agree upon, like I want to reside in my country when I am done with studying to be able to work and save, while she prefers staying somewhere else. In the end, what I am trying to say is that both of us would die for each other, we are perfect together, it is just that each one of us have different dreams. The girl is perfect, she is the lady I have been looking for my whole life, and now that I’ve found her, some cultural issues are on our way which we both can’t agree upon. I do not know whether I have delivered the message, but I do not want to spend one day without this girl.
To those out there who can advise, I would really be happy to hear you. Thank you.