You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(AUSTRALIA) Wow I have just stumbled upon this website and what struck me was: LISA, I don’t know if you are around but wow, you and I sound the same!
My story: Been married 18 months… before we were married I did cheat once, one night stand with a friend which was horrible and I broke off contact immediately after this. My partner had been working away and yes, I was lonely.
I married my partner out of love, but there have never been sparks or a ‘honeymoon’ period so to speak. I married my friend really. He treats me very well but sexually it’s terrible. He never ever does foreplay and he is not intimate and is very closed emotionally
Fast forward this year. In May I started a friendship via email with a guy from work, who really is the opposite of my husband, didn’t think much of it but I was very attracted to him. One night we all went out for work drinks and I confessed that I was so attracted to him (big mistake) but said nothing could happen, he kissed my neck only and I felt like I’d never felt before. The whole next week my body was tingling thinking about the neck kiss and I couldn’t get him out of my head.
He started dating a girl quickly after that which didn’t last but we kept emailing and about 6 weeks after that we went out again with a group and kissed and stuff both told each other how much we liked each other etc. 3 weeks after this we went out alone and I ended up at his house and stayed but we didn’t have sex. This is 3 months ago now. We didn’t catch up again as we both knew how wrong it was and knew what would happen next. He never pursed and neither did I.
He met someone else the night after we were last together and he is pretty serious with her now. We did email a little bit but now we don’t at all.
Silly and selfish as it sounds it kills me and hurts so bad that he met someone else and we can’t be in touch – but I know it’s for the best. I really should be happy for him but I am insanely jealous. So silly! I do have to see him every day at work though which is hard. I really did think I could leave my husband for him…
My husband is wonderful but it really made me question if I should be on my own… I’ve never really enjoyed sex with my husband and we really only seem to do it occasionally… go months without it. I’m torn between having a baby or leaving…
I never ever thought I’d be the type to cheat!!!!! Thanks for listening. x
(USA) For those who will not confess, read the interview with Dr Shirley Glass that is posted here.
She spells it out. Your cannot build or rebuild real intimacy in your marriage unless you not only confess, but address the issues that created an environment ripe for an affair.
It’s never the betrayed spouses fault someone chooses an affair. But the betrayed spouse is always a party to creating the environment where the unfaithful spouse chooses to betray his/her vows.
If you don’t discuss what happened, and how you want it addressed, it’s likely the unfaithful spouse will just have another affair later.
https://marriagemissions.com/shattered-vows-getting-beyond-betrayal/
(USA) My sisters, This is a God thing through and through. I need a friend to talk to so badly! I am in the same boat in the worst way. I have been saved for 6 years and God has used every spiritual 2 by 4 to try to get me to return to Him. I am a habitual cheater. I don’t know why, other than I had poor parental relationships as a child.
Fast forward. My best friends from church even held an intervention for me knowing something was not right in my life (I started ditching Bible study, swearing a little, got drunk with my husband, vocalizing my distaste for people). I lied to every one of them convincing them I was fine.
Bottom line, I am still having an affair. I don’t love this guy, in fact he is everything my husband is not. My husband cooks, cleans, leads our home in a Godly way, and makes me bitter as his perfection, so I cheat. I hate myself.
I miss God in my life, my spiritual protection is gone and my armor is lost. I want out one minute then the next my fantasy of a life with the other man creeps back in. Lord.. what will it take? I am too weak to turn away from this sin. I just repented with tears and heartache then the next minute I’m checking my secret email account. I don’t want to lose my salvation and know full well I cannot live any type of Godly life without my saviors love, I am so weak.
I am so scared. I feel so alone and sometimes think God will never take me back as long as I keep "mocking" Him. Sisters, please, please … I am so frightened for myself, my 2 beautiful healthy children, and my loving husband. I don’t think I really can get out.
(USA) Dearest Katie, I wanted to give you some links that might help you have a positive outlook on yourself as well as God’s love for you as a child. Do know that Satan uses our past and current sins to convince us that God can’t or doesn’t love us or that what we’ve done is just the "last straw," etc etc
If you read where Jesus was baptized by John the baptist he went into the wilderness to be tempted and when Satan was tempting Him (Satan’s ultimate goal was to draw him away from God) he actually used scripture, albeit in a distorted, sick, twisted way but it was scripture from the bible nonetheless!
Katie – the Bible says Satan is like a lion roaming the earth "seeking to devour." This is serious stuff. You must be aware that the doubts and guilt you feel are Satan’s way of playing against God, using you to draw you away.
You’ve already been convicted of your sin, as you’ve come to this site confessing. You must ask for forgiveness from God (and you probably already have) and then, if you must, from your husband (when you feel emotionally ready to do that, if you haven’t already). But I also highly recommend you seek professional Christian counseling. I agree with you that something that happened to you is feeding a disorder you have (serial adultery). That is something that is probably beyond the capabilities of your lay friends at church, and probably/possibly even beyond professional skills of even your pastor.
I strongly believe that God uses Christian counselors to help others the same way we’d go to a doctor for an illness. I see no difference. I believe you could highly benefit from diagnosing the problem and why it’s happening -that might be the only way you can turn it around. IN the meantime, stay close to God with your prayer and read scripture EVERY day! That’s important.
Here are some links that help me when I’m not feeling strong and they confirm God’s love for me (sounds like you need that even though your husband is loving, you are missing the divine element of love) :
The woman at the well http://www.brokenpeople.org/content/coaches/Woman%20at%20the%20Well138873.asp?coach_ID=138873&K27=brokenpeople.org&A=View%20Article
What kind of husband is Jesus http://www.new-life.net/jesshusb.htm
The 2 following are found right here on marriage missions:
Forgiving yourself: https://marriagemissions.com/the-journey-of-forgiving-yourself/
Living in Confidence because of who you are in Christ: https://marriagemissions.com/living-in-confidence-because-of-who-you-are-in-christ/
Here’s an audio file (about a 1/2 hour sermon) on healthy self-love and it talks about not being able to love others if you can’t love yourself and that is most likely what you are suffering from right now (judging by what you wrote). Click on the listen here link to get the wmv audio file -it’s great!! http://www.gosmalley.com/theblog/transformation-through-taking-care-of-yourself-week-5/2008/03/15/
I hope you can find the time to go through all of these and also read scripture on your own. If you aren’t sure what to read you can start by reading whatever scriptures are mentioned in these articles and the audio sermon.
Lastly -I’ll leave you with a prayer that helps me. Blessings, LT
Dear God,
I rejoice in your creation and pray that your Spirit touch me so deeply that I will find a sense of self that makes me glad to be who I am and yet restless at being anything less than I can become.
Make me simple enough not to be confused by disappointments and yet clear enough not to mistake business for freedom.
Honest enough not to expect truth to be painless; brave enough not to sing all my songs in private; compassionate enough to get in trouble; humble enough to admit trouble and seek help; joyful enough to celebrate all of it – myself and others and You through Jesus Christ our Lord
(USA) Dear LT, Thank you so much for caring enough to respond with so many resources and love. I hurt so bad. I read the first one and already feel the tears welling and my soul is in such a wretched state. I wish I could convince my head that the fantasy of my life with the other man (who isn’t half the man my husband is) is just that .. a fantasy. I know no matter what I do God loves me no less. Like when I love my kids no matter their fault, nothing they can do will make me love them less.
My friend, why do I allow the enemy to do this to me? God has saved me from so many dangerous situations, what does He have in store for me? He keeps reaching down to help me yet I won’t grab His hand. I love Him and repent one minute then fall the next. I am sorry if I’m rambling, I just have no one else to confide in who understands that even seemingly good Godly Christians are prey to the schemes of the enemy and fall. I want His love back. — Katie
(USA) Could someone please help me? My husband has been having an affair for two years that I know of (it could be as long as 6 years). I want to know if he really loves her or it just the fantasy? I talked to her and she told me "she still considers him a really good friend" and that "he is a really good person and I should not divorce him".
(I told her I was filing for divorce, which I have.) She has denied, from the beginning, that she has ever had sex with him. He has told me that he HAS slept with her. There would be no reason for him to lie about this. Why would she want me to stay married to him? Do you think she has had enough of him? Please help me understand this addiction! Thanks, Deb
(USA) Hi Debbie. I doubt seriously that your husband loves her. He is in "the fog". She is a fantasy and a diversion from real life. She is an illusion that lives in his head. He does not have to pay bills with this woman nor deal with "life" issues with her. She is simply a drug to him. Plain and simple. She is a way that he can make himself be propped up in his ego.
She is lying to you because of the guilt she feels. She does not wish to be the one to break up your marriage even though she was with him. I did the same thing with J. I cleaned out all the computer files on his email so she could find nothing… and this was with my knowing that he also had "another besides me" on the side and also email flirtations. Now fast forward 6 months after the break up and I ALMOST hate the man. There is no love there from me or for me. He used me for his pleasure and ego and I allowed it. All I ever wanted was to feel that fire again and to feel attractive and needed. If I contacted her and told her everything I knew she’d probably leave him.
But as angry as he made me I will not hurt his kids or her by doing that. It’s done, it’s over with. Why tear someone’s heart out that is innocent and with information a half a year after the fact. It may make my conscience feel better but will only bring pain to others. Even if he contacted me now, I’d never talk to him again. This is a very hurtful part of my life I wish I had NEVER experienced. The "just once" lie is the biggest lie satan has ever told any of us.
Your husband is flip flopping because when he finally confessed to you and he saw the hurt it caused, he tried to take it back to make it go away. I can understand why you would not wish to sleep with him anymore. I am not sure if you all are opened to counseling or not or if it is way past that. I guarantee it, he wishes he had never done this.
(USA) Angel, thank you so much for your response. It is beyond my comprehension as to what is going on in his head. Because of his behavior, it does look like an addiction. It seems like since I have filed for divorce, he is the happiest man on earth. I don’t know if it was okay to see her again, or what. We have tried counseling and he says all the right things but his actions speak otherwise.
He has two cell phones, one is for her and the other is for everyone else. I asked him why he still has the phone and he said "because he’s not sure what was going to happen to us and he wants to wait until he sees what happens." He can’t totally commit to me. I think that now that I have filed for divorce that I gave him the okay to be with her again. Do you think that she feels since I have filed for divorce it’s okay to be with him again?
I am so confused, so heartbroken. My kids are so devastated, and he doesn’t even seem to care. He was the best father and husband in the world. Now he is this man that I don’t even know, or frankly don’t even want to know. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks, Deb
(USA) Well… I’ve spent the last hour or so reading posts here. Most of the stories are like mine, but I will add more about the drama an "addiction" causes… and I am one who has self proclaimed to NOT have an addictive personality! I have tried "weed", smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco, dipping tobacco, alcohol… any and all kinds of alcohol in massive quantity… and have NOT become and addict to drugs, tobacco or alcohol… but WOMEN!
Here goes… I grew up totally involved in the "church" and finally went off to college… a different college than the girlfriend of ALL FOUR years of high school went to. After trying to make it work for 4 months… driving one way nearly 5 hours to spend the weekend with her… it all began to fall apart. Keep in mind, this was the girl (and I was her guy) that I was "saving myself" for… we were both virgins and never had sex the entire time we dated. I even slept in the same bed when I went to visit her… now THAT’s SELF CONTROL!
So time passed; we broke up. Well, I broke up with her. I met and dated a few women in college. Then the day came when I got a call from a guy friend wanting to know if I knew a certain girl from school. It turns out I did know her. He tells me she is passed out drunk at some guy’s house and was asking for ME! So what do I do?! I go and rescue this girl from the situation… nurse her back to some sort of reality and eventually (5 years later) end up MARRYING HER!!!
After three kids and 12 years of marriage I met someone… H E R… the woman who would nearly destroy me personally, emotionally, financially. She was a co-worker who cried to me about a bad marriage wherein she had been mistreated and was ready to get out. At first it was simple conversation at work about each of our marriages and our kids… then it grew into more… MUCH more… and so quickly. I found myself in the EXACT same situation I had been in 17 years AGO!!! A woman in need of rescue! I don’t say it that way to act like I’m some knight in shining armor… it’s not like that.
Long story short, we had a 9 month affair that ended TERRIBLY… the girl came to my house and created major drama… WITH MY WIFE PRESENT! I literally had to call the police to get her to leave!!! Needless to say, it all broke loose then… but it ended a year and a half ago nevertheless.
So… weeks, months go by… and I find myself STILL longing for just a few minutes to talk to her… text her… see her… not necessarily to get physical, but to just share the same look in each others eyes we used to have. I can not explain it, but anyone who has been there KNOWS exactly what I mean… I too FELL HARD (so very hard) for this woman… so hard that I even questioned the very love I had for my wife when we married! In fact I told her (my wife) that I wasn’t sure I EVER loved her!!!
I believe that love does change over the years… the mortgage comes, the SUV bills come, the kids come… and you lose everything that ever linked you together with your spouse in the first place. Other things (or people) take priority over your spouse. So one day you’re having a friendly conversation with the attractive girl at work and then suddenly… BAM!!! You’re in a relationship you cannot control!
I had myself convinced that this girl was going to be my ticket out of my marriage and all the responsibility. I cannot believe how very close I came to losing it all. Then one day she couldn’t find me by texting, calling my cell, calling work… all because she forgot I had jury duty on a murder trial… no cell phones allowed… she went NUTS! All the calling leaving nasty messages… sending 45 txt messages. Then ultimately screaming at the top of her lungs on my front doorstep!
Call it God’s grace… call it luck… call it what you like… my marriage of 13 years is still in tact. Who can explain the way that my wife took all this in and was still able to move forward?! I certainly don’t understand it. Just recently, we took the kids to a Fall Festival at our church… and I saw HER… nearly crashed right into her really… my heart was instantly paralyzed. I don’t know if it was adrenalin or a mild heart attack but I freaked! "Did she see ME?!" …"What will I do if she comes to talk to me?" My chest is pounding now just typing this! Was it fear? Was it the memory of her… US?
HOW ON EARTH was it possible that out of the thousands of people at the event that I came so close to having that chance meeting with her I secretly desired for the last year and a half? What do I do now! TELL ME! I have avoided this woman at all costs this whole time and now she is DIRECTLY IN MY PATH!? WHY? Explain THAT! Want to get even more weird? She nearly ran over me while I was riding my motorcycle TONIGHT! Our eyes met, I kept going home now to write this. Just before I found this web site… she sent me a text… "Happy late birthday"… I wish all of you the best… I’m sorry, but I don’t think it EVER ends.
(USA) Dear Mr. E, First of all I give you credit for coming here and talking of your pain. Now I would like to talk to you about what your wife and children are feeling. Because I could be the wife that you are doing this to. From your story you could be my husband.
Your wife is hurt beyond anything you could ever comprehend. This kind of pain would bring a grown man to his knees. It runs through her head that you were intimate with another women. When you told her that you’re not sure if you EVER loved her, that breaks her heart every time she thinks of it, and believe me she thinks of it, even though she tries to get those thoughts out of her head.
Your kids deserve your love and respect. This affair not only affects your wife, it affects your children too. Your children don’t deserve to be raised by a single mom. They need a full time father. Look at those dear little faces, gifts that God gave you, and be there for them, love them, hug them. No matter how you tell yourself that you will still be there for your kids, even if you leave your wife for this other women, it will never be that way. You will be the man that sends the child support check and takes them to a movie every other weekend.
My husband is the same way when it comes to the rescue thing. His woman was in a sad situation too. He also works with her and it does start just by talking. Then you’re hooked. I give you so much credit for coming here with your story. I wish my husband would talk to someone else besides her. The two of them are in their own little fantasy world.
When you said that this women came to your house and went NUTS, that should have been your "sign" right there! Nobody should EVER disrespect your wife. Even if you don’t think you ever loved her (I’m sure you did and still do) you never let anyone do that to her.
You ask "What do I do now"? You ask your wife out on a date. You buy her flowers. You take her out to dinner and a movie. You put all you energy into you family, love them. You have been blessed to have a wonderful wife who could bring herself to give you another chance. And take it from me, it’s the hardest thing she will ever do, but she has. Please don’t ruin that.
Change the number on your phone so she can’t text you! Or block her calls and texts. Do what you have to avoid this woman. You ask why the two of you would have a chance meeting? Just as God hates divorce, the devil hates happy people and love. My opinion is that it was the devil that set up this chance meeting. Only to tempt you and bring you down!
Look at the big picture ~ ask yourself these questions…
1. If you leave your wife and kids, for this women, what kind of life would you have?
2. Do you think it will be "happily ever after"?
3. Could the two of you ever trust each other?
4. Would you be wondering if she is "talking" to another man about you?
5. Can you live with the fact that you lost everything you have ever worked for?
6. Can you live without you wife, kids and house?
7. Can you live without the respect from your kids?
8. Do you want another man raising your kids?
I wish you the best. You seem like a good guy that just lost his way. I’ll pray for you and your family. Debbie
(USA) I have spent the last couple of days reading the posts and dealing with the end of my own affair. I have been married for 10 yrs to a man in which carries a great deal of anger. On the outside, he is perceived as fun and happy, however he has a very quick fuse and is extremely busy. I fell in love with him because he was so different than my previous relationships and was a good father to his two children from a previous marriage. He is very responsible and, could be very sweet at times, except when he drinks.
I work for a large financial company and have always had career success. I travel for work and, based upon my work environment, have always been "hit on" so to speak, however never having the desire to be with anyone else.
About a year ago, I was on a flight and met a pilot who was heading home from a trip. We talked the entire flight, sharing family information, life experiences, etc. We spoke of technology and shared cell phone insights. His PDA was the model I had previously had and I gave him my old stylist, not thinking anything of it. When the flight was over, he asked for my business card. I didn’t think anything of it and, never really thought of the flight again.
Two months later, I received a text thanking me and, if I was ever in a certain airport, maybe he could thank me with a drink. If he had not put "Pilot" next to his name, I would have thought it was a wrong number. When I realized it was him, I text back. We started texting back and forth, pretty innocently. It became a little flirty and we met for drinks one night while I was in his hometown for business. There was such an attraction, connection and I felt so at ease. He walked me to my car and kissed me. It was amazing. Fireworks, everything. He wanted to come to my hotel room, but I refused. We began talking on the phone more and more, texting and about three weeks later; he came with me on a business trip and stayed the night. The first night together was amazing. He is an incredible lover and I had never felt better.
We began meeting in various towns where I would be on business and spending more and more time together. It was not just sex, it was so much more and we fell in love. He would always tell me how he wish we had met 15 years ago, how he loved me more than he loved his wife, and that we had become best friends. We both juggled this relationship with secret meetings, lies, texts, phone calls during the day that would last for hours, and emails. I always knew he was unavailable, regardless of my situation and I was seriously considering divorce because things were getting much worse at home. I gave myself a year to resolve the issues. We both found that we were jealous of the spouses and would try to deal with it as best as possible. We were living a second life… meeting two to three times a month.
About a month ago, I was going on a vacation with my family. It was something we both dreaded, knowing we would not have the opportunity to talk very often. He sent me an email from his home computer and forgot to turn it off. His wife then found the emails. She printed them and approached him. He sent me a text that read “I screwed up… she saw my emails” This text broke my heart. I texted him that I was there if he needed me and began digesting this information, the pain in my heart so great.
I hardly slept that night, tears just falling because of the love that I knew I had lost. The next day we spoke and, we both knew it was over. He needed to be there for his children and save his marriage. The week on vacation, I struggled with the loss, all the while keeping it a secret. I was emotional, crying and trying to keep it from my husband. I had the most incredible emptiness I had every experienced.
I knew where he was going to be and called the hotel to see how he was doing. He was very upset, said that she was monitoring every call, text and email. There could be no contact, which I understood.
The pain has continued over the last three weeks. Some days are better than others, but I still feel so heartbroken and lonely. I needed to say goodbye. I left him a card at the airport, with a goodbye letter, and a calling card, in case he needed to talk. That day, I ran into him at the airport after I had left the card. He had not seen the card and was questioning whether I knew he was there. I had not. We sat and talked. We talked about how we felt for each other, what a loss we have experienced and how things were going for him at home. He was sleeping in a spare bedroom and told me that he thinks of me all the time. He told me he would call that night and, as I was leaving on my boarded flight, he hugged me. We shared a small kiss and I left.
As I was going down the jet way, the gate agent called me back. Outside the gate, my lover was waiting and mouthed that he loved me. And, just when I thought my heart could not hurt more, it did. The entire flight, I could think of nothing more than I did not want this relationship to end. He called late that night and told me that he needed time. He gave me his password for his work schedule and I gave him mine. He also told me that he had an overnight the following month in my town but did not commit to meeting. He is going through a great deal at home, trying to make his marriage work, and I understand. He is a great father and has always been very involved at home.
Last week, on his birthday, he called me. He was having an awful day and needed to hear my voice. I hurt for him and I told him that I love him. I hate that he is experiencing so much pain. He told me that his wife was treating him terribly and that they were going to a marriage counselor the following week. The call was short and all the while I am silently wishing that his wife would leave him. I thought after this call, I would hear from him this week while he was on a trip. I did not.
Which leads me to where I am today and why I am posting… I love him enough to let him go and have not reached out to him again, knowing she is monitoring. I know that he is going to be in town next week and I want to see him. I cry every day missing, not only my lover, but also his friendship and companionship. I am dying to call him, but know that I can’t. I also continue to evaluate my current marriage and, I think that my husband senses my discord and has been trying really hard to be more attentive. The problem is that I don’t want him. We have been together twice and I am just faking it, trying not to cry.
I have always been a spiritual person, but not overly religious. I believe that actions have consequences. My head tells me that I need total separation, but my heart is not there. I want him so badly and miss everything about him. Please help….
(USA) For Deb, Hanging on to this relationship is like hanging onto a dead baby. You don’t want to let it go but you must. Anytime someone tries to pry that dead baby from your arms you hang on tighter and fight. There is no life in it anymore. Holding onto what you cannot have is killing you emotionally. It is only causing you more pain. You turn the dead baby over to someone to take it and then you turn right back around and gravitate towards it again because the pain of leaving it behind is too much to bear. I can say that because I have been there.
I have cried until there was nothing left to cry. It is truly a mourning and a burial. The only problem is if he were dead it truly would be easier. Because they are still alive and out there you are constantly thinking about them. Wondering what they are doing. How is their marriage. Do they still think about us? Do they miss us even a little? Were they really just using us as a drug?
I remember thinking there was no way I could do no contact and the LT must be stronger than I to be able to have done that. You CAN do this.
Every time you send just one more text receive just one more text, one email, it’s like scratching the scab off and having to start healing all over again from day one. But it CAN be done I am living proof of it. You are in denial and in a fog right now. I took Xanax for a month once a day because my IBS was so bad from the stress I could no longer work. There is hope and life after an affair. I love you Deb and am sending you gentle hugs. Angel
(USA) Katie I understand what you are going through as well. J may have been the first person I was with but in between I had some and shortly after once. There is such a thing as sexual addiction but it also can be broken but it will be the hardest thing you will ever do. Sex has become a drug of choice. Your DOC will take you to places you do not want to go and will take you further than you ever dreamt it would. Each time it is like putting down longer and stronger roots you need to pluck up. I found myself being drawn to men that would "hurt me" during sex. The pain made me "feel" something I could not do any other time. I was drawn to BDSM (bondage-domination-sadomasochism) I had tried to get my husband to do that to me but he would not.
Somehow the abuse that happened to me as a child was what I associated with love. I have come home with bruises that I covered up many, many times. It is a warped and perverted sex. My husband use to ask me "Do you think Joyce Meyer would do that?" "What do you think Jesus would think of that" Emotionally I always said I was a rough and tumble girl. Intimacy with anyone scares me and freaks me out. I’m working on that.
We look for love in all the wrong places and ways. I would cry and beg God to forgive me and then there I would go again. But this I know. God loves you He has never stopped loving you. He wishes to heal that wounded little girl and restore her purpose to her. I have been listening to studies on how satan commits identity theft on us. We get so lost from our purpose that we don’t know who we really are in Christ and we devalue ourselves. The last thing I needed was someone asking me did I not value myself because honestly I did not.
I am going to add the link here to the spiritual identity theft messages and I encourage all of you to listen to them. They are healing me… http://www.oasisworship.com/sermons.php
(USA) Angel, Thank you so much. As I am sure you know, some days are better than others. I try to relish those days and hope that the next bad day that comes along will be fewer and farther between.
He called me on Friday and we spoke for a moment. It was short and he was on a pay phone. Just hearing his voice for a moment, gave me that same comfort, and, we spoke like just friends, not lovers.
Last night, however, my husband’s angry side reared its ugly head. Regardless of the situation with my ex-lover, I don’t know how long I can stay in a situation with so much anger and unhappiness directed toward me. I hope to talk to my husband about it tonight so he can understand how directed this anger appears.
Thank you again for the post and all your wisdom.
(USA) Deb, First off, I have great sympathy for your situation, but not like you would think. My sympathy for you is that you are deceived right now. This is going to blunt, but not hateful. Many choose to treat those who disagree as full of hate. The truth is, those who are willing to tell the hard truth are not the ones full of hate.
My sympathy is also for the betrayed spouses. You keep mentioning how your husband is angry and how the OM is suffering while his wife is so difficult.
I’m asking you to put yourselves in each of their shoes. The OM’s wife knows he is having an affair, and you are being critical of her being difficult. Put yourself in her shoes, the man you gave your heart to, the man you trusted is spending time, and sleeping with another woman.
Your OM is not "all that." After all, he is willing to break his vows to be with you. So he can’t be that great of a man. And a great lover? What kind of great lover betrays his spouse? He may be great in bed, but a great lover he is not. Love doesn’t betray another person.
You say your husband is angry. Well, he probably doesn’t know about the affair, but I’m sure he knows something is not right, but can’t quite put his finger on it.
I’m sure you had valid complaints about the marriage before your affair. However, you’ve now become the most valid complaint in the marriage. Your affair is a nuclear blast in what was likely a conventional war. Your actions have escalated the damage being done to your marriage.
I don’t say that to be judgmental, it’s just the way things are.
The good news is it doesn’t have to remain that way. You can come clean with your husband and confess that you’ve betrayed him. If you don’t think it’s safe to do so at home, then by all means, do this in the pastor’s office, or at a marriage counselor’s office. One of the best tools you have to end your affair is your willingness to be 100% open and honest with your husband. To have him ask you daily if you’ve been in contact with the OM. Making your life an open book, where he can see your cell phone, e-mail, etc will go a great deal in regaining the trust you’ve broken.
He too has broken trust with his anger, but right now, that anger is like a minor cold compared to the deadly cancer an affair causes in a marriage.
Is it easy? No. Is confessing the right thing to do? Of course.
Even if your husband decides to end the marriage, it’s still the honorable thing to do. Marriages cannot be built on secrets, and your affair, even if he doesn’t know, is a secret cancer that is going to destroy your marriage. He has the right to know the truth and to decide how he wants to proceed. It is selfish and unfair to keep this secret from him. Let him know the truth and let him decide if he wants to continue the marriage, or let you go.
If he decides to continue the marriage, you will likely have the chance to have your complaints about the marriage addressed. However, by your actions, you’ve put your place in that line as last after him. The affair and it’s damage has to be dealt with first before you can even consider asking him to change his approach.
Expect even more anger, righteous anger. Being betrayed is a legitimate reason to be very angry. It’s not OK for him to be abusive. So that’s why I suggest you confess with someone there.
The worst thing that could happen is for you to keep this a secret. Even if he chooses to end the marriage, the truth is the best thing you can give your husband right now.
You can do it. The Bible clearly tells us that if we have sinned against another that we are to go to THEM and make things right. So if you are thinking of just going to God with this, and keeping it a secret between you and God, that’s not in accordance with scripture.
You took a vow with your husband. Regardless what your complaints are about his behaviors, he is owed the truth, and has a valid complaint that trumps anything you’ve mentioned here. So tell him now. No excuses.
It will be a lot harder to keep the affair going if you consider the damage you are doing to your husband, the OM and his wife, not to mention the damage you are doing to yourself. You can end the affair AND confess to your husband if you trust God. He will give you the strength to do what is right. God will not tell you not to tell your husband either. His word says to confess to those whom you’ve sinned against, so God will not change that.
So if you get the idea God is telling you not to tell, I’d say that is not a word from God, but from Satan who is trying to convince you to buy yet another lie.