You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Deb says this man is a drinker and stays angry and has a quick fuse. I really do not see how this is helping her by telling her that "He must sense that something is off in the relationship". This is obviously a problem he has had since she married him and this is his second marriage.
The Word says to confess your faults one to another that you may be healed. (I have done this with a mentor)
It also says if we are at the alter and remember that OUR BROTHER HAS AUGHT AGAINST US to leave our gift and be reconciled with our brother… it does not say if we have hurt him… but rather if he has hurt us.
There is nothing worse than being in a church where members are encouraged to go to people that day and tell them if you have held aught against them. My husband has a woman come up to him and tell him that she has never liked him and actually strongly disliked him. That was 20 years ago she is going on about her business free of guilt and he still remembers it and talks about it. Dumping our conscience off is a great thing but its not worth hurting spouses and harmless children unless one specifically hears God tell THEM to do that. Our kids are innocent and do not deserve that. I would never put down their Dad to them even if he had killed someone. It’s just wrong.
If you and God have made this right between the two of you that is what is important. I do believe an accountability partner in another woman that you can TRUST is an important step as a safeguard. I have one of those.
Deb, get out of the relationship now. Every day that goes by makes it harder, and no you cannot stay friends, once that barrier has been breached it can never go back to just friends, and one day you will wake up and I promise you those feelings will be gone.
Hugs, Angel
(USA) Tony, I have seen your many posts and believe you hold your opinions in the highest regard. But, it seems that you only see the situation as one sided. I am not holding anyone else responsible for my actions but myself. I made choices, not only in my marriage, and the affair, but throughout my life that may have had negative consequences. I will have to face those, through my faith and through my conscience.
And, please know, I have not contacted him in weeks, although he has contacted me. His responsibility is to his wife, as mine is only to my husband. I will have to live with my decisions on whether or not to confess to my husband and the outcome will be that as it may.
Angel, thank you again for your advice. It is just so hard and I know you understand. He is not available to me, I do not call, email, text or IM him at all, yet, I am still available to him. I know this is unhealthy, but the moment I hear his voice, I am moved beyond belief. Also, my phone number can not be changed due to work so, unless I recognize the number, I may answer. Last night was very hard because I wanted to hear his voice and have his verbal comforting, but that is just not an option for me. I just never thought I would ever love this deep and hurt this much.
(USA) Hi all, I wanted to comment on Angel’s use of Matt. 5:23. The reason is: not because it is really germane to the current thread, but because I’ve been thinking about this verse quite a bit for reasons of my own and God has brought this verse to mind a lot.
My understanding/interpretation of that verse is the opposite of what Angel writes. My understanding is that, in plain language, Matt. 5:23 is saying if you know that you have offended someone else, don’t leave your gifts to God until you have attempted to reconcile with that person.
That is how I read it. So, of course, if some woman comes up to a guy in church and says hey, you know, I never really liked you – not only would he be offended, but that, to me, is a violation of the scripture – it’s reading it backwards.
I take it to mean only if you know you offended someone else. Not if they hurt you -you can’t MAKE someone sorry for something they did if they don’t want to be. You can tell them (and that’s a different verse in Matthew – if a brother sins against you go to him and tell him).
Anyway – again this is not really related to the thread it was just an aside but one I wanted to mention. Does anyone else see the verse the way I have mentioned it? That’s how I read it but it sounds like churches out there are propagating a different interpretation of that.
Here are 2 different versions, the Message version being the most plain language:
Message, Matt. 5
23 -24"This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.
21st Century KJV, Matt. 5
23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, 24leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way. First be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
Even the 21st Century KJV says if you remember that your brother has aught against you (not you have something against someone else), which means you have to know that you offended them in the first place. That sounds ludicrous for someone to go up in church and say "I never liked you," because it not only sounds immature, but if you never shared it with them in the first place how would they "remember" it while leaving an offering.
I’m welcome to other comments on that. Angel’s reading of that scripture is a new one on me. Is this what churches are saying? Guess I don’t interpret it the same way in the way I’m reading it and processing it. Thanks, LT
(USA) Deb and Angel, I do not discount that confessing to God and confessing to others are good initial steps. All sin is ultimately against God. Confessing to others and asking a mentor or trusted woman in the church to be your accountability partner are good initial steps.
However, as long as the affair, even if not active, is still secret, the sin continues against your spouse. You see, part of the sin of an affair is hiding the relationship with another man. The failure to confess the relationship TO THE BETRAYED is a continuation of that sin.
It’s as if the affair is still on-going in your mind and in your soul. Unconfessed, it will always be a hindrance to that "as one" relationship with your spouse.
No one is arguing that your spouses don’t have behaviors they need to address. They do. But the very fact that the affair is still secret means you too are playing a part in keeping your marriage from being all that God planned it to be.
Angel mentioned Matthew 5:23-24, it speaks about if your friend has a grudge against you. A betrayed spouse certainly would have a grudge against you. It says go to this friend and make things right. It doesn’t say go to a third party and feel content that you’ve satisfied God’s plan.
God is interested in relationships and God knows that deception and secrets are not a good foundation upon which one builds a relationship. Therefore, if you’ve sinned against your spouse, and God considers the marital relationship the most important relationship on earth except for your relationship with Him, it stands to reason that the intent of Matthew 5:23-24 is for one who has sinned against their spouse to go to their spouse and confess that sin and make things right.
So I’ll say it again. I have no problem with confessing to God and seeking an accountability partner. Those are two legs of a three legged stool. The final leg is that one must confess to the one wronged. The stool cannot stand without this leg. A marriage cannot stand if there are lies and secrets kept from one of the spouses in the marriage. Since the keeping of secrets is part of the sin of an affair, the only way to end that sin is to confess the affair to the wronged party.
Not doing so is keeping alive a key part of that sin. I believe that as long as the affair is still a secret to the betrayed spouse, the unfaithful spouse is STILL being unfaithful.
Part of being faithful is being totally honest with one’s spouse. An unconfessed affair is simply a different way to betray, to be unfaithful. Everyday the affair goes unconfessed, the affair is still on-going.
It may not be with the other person, but the betrayed spouse is being betrayed every moment he or she is not made aware of what happened.
(USA) Angel, You said, " Deb says this man is a drinker and stays angry and has a quick fuse. I really do not see how this is helping her by telling her that "He must sense that something is off in the relationship". This is obviously a problem he has had since she married him and this is his second marriage."
I have two questions. If he was a drinker and angry, then why didn’t Deb see this before the marriage? He may have hid it, or it may be his way (unhealthy, I agree) of how he deals with his problems with the marriage.
Second, just because someone is divorced doesn’t mean they are the one who caused the divorce. What you said about, since this is his second marriage, the insinuation that the problems are largely on his side of the street is offensive to say the least.
As has been discussed before, men are 1/2 as likely to CHOOSE divorce, and most divorced against their will are NOT guilty of any sort of sin that the Bible gives allowance for divorce.
So most divorced men (and women, but remember 2x as many men are divorced against their will as women) are NOT abusers, nor are they cheats. Their wives discarded them because they didn’t meet their emotional needs.
There are many articles on this site by Dr Harley, and he’ll be the first to tell you that most men who are left are NOT unfaithful, nor are they abusive. Clueless? Yes. Unfaithful or abusive? No. Dr Harley says that it’s nearly impossible for him to convince women married to such men to leave.
So your assertion that his prior marriage means he must be the problem in the marriage does not hold water. What you said about him being divorced as if it’s a fault is offensive to be mild. Chances are, he was faithful and abandoned by his wife. The odds are in my favor of this being correct.
Is anger wrong? Nope. We don’t know what he does when he gets angry, but anger itself is not wrong. But what does it matter if he’s angry, or he drinks, or anything else? She took a vow to him, and if she wants to address those things, then she too needs to be 100% open and honest with him about her faults. When it does come out (and it will, it always does) he will likely be even more angry than if she told him herself.
I recall a case where there was a couple in marriage counseling for a long time, months if not a year or two. During this time, she started an affair. All the while during the sessions, she was complaining about this behavior of his and that, with no mention of things that she needed to work on.
When her affair came out, he came unglued. He could no longer trust her. She was trying to fix him, while having her affair. And the counselor, who knew about this was no longer trusted either.
Her complaints about him are now perceived as a smoke screen, to hide the fact that she was cheating. She says she wasn’t cheating when counseling was initiated, but since she was dishonest, he doesn’t believe her. Why should he? His thoughts are what other secrets is she keeping.
The affair is not nearly as damaging as keeping it a secret. That’s the destructive nature of affairs, and that’s why the betrayed must hear from the unfaithful spouse if there is any hope of building trust. Learning any other way makes trust far more difficult to restore. It’s very difficult to confess.
Yet it’s next to impossible to restore trust if it’s completely broken. Learning of an affair from someone other than your spouse is one of those totally destructive things. Such a break in trust is far more difficult to repair than confessing.
The act of confession to the wronged party that you know what you did was wrong and are willing to begin the difficult task of earning his trust again. If he were to learn from a third party, or by coming across a text or e-mail, then the opportunity to build trust with that first step is gone, forever.
(USA) LT I can honestly see what you are saying about the verse but I was just reading it in the KJ version literally… as if it were directions from Mapquest… A plus B will equal C. If you remember your brother has aught against you, to me it meant if you know your brother has a problem with you… however I can see your point that for you to know he has a problem with you it would have had to be expressed and out on the table.
I attend Celebrate Recovery and we were taught there in one of the 12 steps to go and make things right with others except when to do so would cause harm to others. That to do so willy nilly and releasing your conscience and dumping it on them is in fact harming others. They are left with t hings burnt into their minds that they cannot fix or do anything about. Why cause them that pain? I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery a Christian 12 step program to others.
CELEBRATE RECOVERY’S EIGHT RECOVERY PRINCIPLES
The Road to Recovery
Based on the Beatitudes
Realize I’m not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. (Step 1)
“Happy are those who know that they are spiritually poor.”
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover. (Step 2
“Happy are those how mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. (Step 3)
“Happy are the meek.”
***Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. (Steps 4 and 5)
“Happy are the pure in heart.”
Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects. (Steps 6 and 7)
“Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires”
***Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others when possible, EXCEPT when to do so would harm them or others. (Steps 8 and 9)
“Happy are the merciful.”
“Happy are the peacemakers”
Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. (Steps 10 and 11)
Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good News to others, both by my example and my words. (Step 12)
“Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires.”
(USA) Angel, The same argument can be made for NOT telling, since that too does harm. I believe not telling is MORE harmful to the other person than telling. Both are harmful, not telling is MORE harmful. Therefore, if the goal is to minimize harm, one must tell. It’s the least harmful of the two choices.
(USA) Tony, I understand that you are trying to help the women who are posting and appreciate your wisdom. Each woman who has participated in an affair and is reaching out on the blog is looking to improve the situation. Your opinion is an open, honest opinion, but it can be perceived as judgmental and based upon anger toward the unfortunate event that occurred in your life.
That said, I hope you understand that your judgments do deter women and men from seeking open communication on this blog. We are looking for support from those who have experienced what we have, but we are not looking for justification for what we have done. I think we all are fully aware that it is wrong. I will also point out that infidelity is truly a symptom of something deeper or wrong in the relationship. Again, this is not justification, merely an observation. Also, we are all in different stages of the separation. Each stage takes time, time to separate, time to repair ones self, time to seek counseling and, if necessary time to confess.
I am not an expert by any means and am seeking psychological counseling for myself to assist in recovery from this tragedy. But the only two people who truly understand the marriage is the two people in the marriage. And, I think we all agree that deceit and lies do not help a marriage. Remember, each marriage, each person, each life takes on different characteristics, which may not mirror the pain that you have experienced.
I wish you all the best in your current relationship and hope you will respect this message board to allow each of us to voice our journey without ridicule and judgment. I will also keep you in my thoughts and heart that you will, one day, be able to release the anger in your heart.
Deb
(USA) I make no judgments about people. We are all sinners. However, if someone is giving advice that is against scripture, I will speak out against such advice.
Don’t confuse disagreement with judgment. I don’t judge anyone. I simply don’t agree with the advice that one should not tell their spouse. I think that is advice that is counter to what scripture clearly teaches.
Being judgmental means one believes they are better than another. I clearly do not believe that.
So I respectfully ask that you don’t assume what my emotions, or my view might be. You may THINK I’m angry, or judgmental, but that in no way makes such a statement true.
Everyone may have different backgrounds and different paths that brought us here. However, scripture is the foundation and it does not change. Just because we find following God’s word difficult doesn’t provide an excuse not to follow it.
Everyone has trouble following God’s word. I lay no claim on being perfect. I, like Paul would be the first to tell you that I am the chief of sinners.
Yet I believe it’s my service to God to share what I’ve learned from reading his word. Not from any lofty perch, but from having lived it. I have written no ridicule, nor judgment. So I respectfully ask for you to show me where I’ve ridiculed someone, or judged a person.
I’ve rejected ideas. I clearly reject the idea that God’s plan is to conceal sins from those who’ve been harmed. But is that ridicule of a person? Of course not.
I don’t know. Perhaps what you are calling anger in me is really your own anger at yourself and conviction. I don’t know. I do know that I’m not angry, not in the least bit.
I don’t judge, because I know that I too am a sinner, saved only by grace. So I speak out against bad teaching, not in judgment against any person.
I agree with you, the folks who know any individual marriage the best are the two in that marriage. However, the one who knows even better than that is God, and following His word is the best pattern for having a good marriage.
God doesn’t have different sets of rules for different folks. So if God says we are to confess our sins to those we’ve sinned against, then that is the rule for everyone who seeks to follow His Word.
So I respectfully ask that you change your perspective. I’ve clearly said I’m not angry, and I know I’ve neither written or even thought anything remotely judgmental. So I respectfully ask that you not say I’m being judgmental, or are angry. You are not sitting here with me. You don’t hear my prayers. So how can you possibly know that I’m angry or judgmental or anything, given you are not here with me?
I am one of the most gentle people you might meet.
So if you are perceiving any anger, check to make sure that it’s not really the Holy Spirit convicting you and your personal anger being transferred to me. Do I know that is the case? No, like you know little about me, I know little about you. But I know I’m not angry, so if you are perceiving anger, it’s coming from you, not me.
I know that what I’m saying is difficult. It’s never easy to confess when one sins. I’ve simply found after nearly 50 years of life, that things go so much better the sooner I confess my faults. If I make a mistake at work, I confess it right away, I don’t try to cover it up. Why? Because that is what God teaches us we are to do. If we sin, if we make a mistake, if we fall short, we are to be open and honest about it.
Sharing this Biblical truth is neither an act of anger, nor judgmental. An act of anger would be if I allowed false teaching to go unchallenged. An act of anger would be to encourage one to continue in sin. Angry folks don’t encourage others to follow Christ, or to follow His teachings.
Don’t confuse passion for God’s truth with anger. I am passionate about sharing the Word of God as it relates to this topic. Passionate, yes. Angry, no.
(USA) Hi everyone, I have a couple questions. I know everyone talks about this being an addiction. I truly believe it is. Can anyone tell what happens when the MM leaves his wife to be with the other women. Is it still an addiction? Are their feelings the same? Do you still think this is your soul mate? When it is out in the open and it’s just the two of them, will there still be that excitement? Thanks for your help. I really need it. Mary
(USA) Mary, It’s still an addiction, but much of the fantasy wears away as the couple has to deal with the realities of day to day living, such as paying bills, picking up after one another,etc. This will make the addiction not so appealing.
Part of the addiction is the lack of REAL responsibility, and once they are living together, it’s likely they will experience on another’s annoying habits.
It’s at this time you have to address YOUR annoying habits and eliminate them, so YOU then become the one who is more appealing than the annoying lover.
This may take time, maybe a couple of years. No guarantee that it will work. But if reality is allowed to set in, combined with you eliminating your Love Busting behaviors and meeting emotional needs where you can, you can restore romantic love.
Either that, or the continuing affair will totally destroy what romantic love you have left for your wayward spouse and letting them go will not be as painful.
(USA) Hi Mary, Yes this is an addiction. The only way out is through God. I also believe that it is very possible that this can travel over into the new marriage once reality sets it. Once life is being lived and there are bills to pay and "life" to live, when the stress factor kicks in who is to say that once again, they won’t be looking elsewhere?
Now it’s possible to that it won’t and all will be well with the two. I know for me the texts through the day, the compliments, the emotional stroking were much more to me than the sexual thing. There were never gifts, but Victoria’s Secret gift cards two or three times. Everything in an affair is a fantasy and when you are in it, it FEELS real when in actuality in my opinion its role-playing.
I had a cathartic moment this week. I went to the funeral of a young man. For the first time I really GOT IT that we are truly spirits that live in human bodies. Hear me out here. We spend so much time in our bodies our "earth suits" that we forget that we are only here temporarily. This is not our home, heaven is. We are God’s kids and we are only here for a moment. We spend so much time exercising this body, grooming it, feeding it, giving it what it cries out for we miss the reality that we are His and when we really, I mean really, get the reality of that, our perspective is so different. I hope I did not lose you here.
Last night he began to annoy me. I felt that itch. I smiled and reminded myself I was God’s daughter and I could only get what I needed from him. So I pick myself up and do everything I can to stay the course and on the path. It’s like any other addiction. The longer you go the easier it becomes. One day at a time. Do it one day at a time. Know that you are "Daddy Gods" baby girl and that as you put one foot in front of the other there will be faith for one more step. You can do this.
Hugs, Angel
(USA) Very helpful to go through the difficult time.
(USA) Deb are you OK? Angel
(USA) Angel, thanks for asking… It has been tough and I have been spending time on the iVillage message board EAS, which has helped gain clarity out of the "A" fog. I’m still seeking counseling on my own. H and I start counseling next week. Each day is still hard because of the triggers, but I am avoiding most triggers to stay strong. Thanks again for your support.