You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) I can relate to many of you myself as I too had an affair. It was a man I had known in high school but never dated. He had a crush on me for about 10 years and kept tabs on me though I never knew it. I had thought he was cute but he was so shy we hardly ever spoke. I found him online and just planned to say hi but he lost his shyness with age and we began writing to one another.
It began fairly innocent but then the sexual innuendos began and before long I was hooked and couldn’t get enough of his e-mails and began texting and calling him on my lunch breaks. The affair was mostly emotional and lasted two months. We ended up being together physically only one time and it was the last time I saw him.
My husband hacked into my account and saw several weeks worth of very sexually charged e-mails two days after we had slept together the one and only time. My husband was devastated to say the least and his first reaction was to divorce me. The reality of the situation came crashing down around me like a ton of bricks and it suddenly hit me what I had done.
I knew the entire time that it was wrong and I made conscious choices to have the affair and hurt my husband and children but yet I could not make myself stop no matter how much I told myself to. I was screaming at myself in my head some days and then dialing his number! It really is an addiction as many have said in their posts.
I am here at this site now because it has been over two months since I have had contact with my former lover and though my husband and I are getting back on track and both in therapy to help, for some reason my urges to contact my ex lover have been very strong the past two weeks. I have even gone so far as to create a secret e-mail to contact him through but haven’t sent a letter and plan not to. In fact I am planning to go back in and delete the secret account today. I don’t know why I did it. I am obsessed with him for some reason and I monitor his myspace page and check for new photos and such all the time.
I am an ex-smoker so I know addiction and it is driving me insane to have this man controlling my thoughts and even some actions though I no longer talk to him at all! I plan to tell my therapist this week that I feel like I am having a relapse or something and see what she says. I hate this. My husband is a wonderful man and father to my kids and we have been together over 15 years. He is totally loyal to me and never deserved this. I am still trying to find out what made me behave this way to begin with because the affair went against everything I believe in.
Good luck to all of you. I used to think affairs were for oversexed people but I am here to say, it can happen to anyone. Especially if you are in a vulnerable state.
(USA) I’m personally having a hard time with Valentines day coming up. Trying to focus. Anyone else?
(USA) I would really like some advice on how to not contact the person I had an affair with. It is unbelievable the urges that I have to contact him. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I had an affair with him for a total of about 9 months.
(USA) I need help, I am continuing with a no where affair with someone that can’t be really there for me. I want to stop, have written notes to him and made up my mind to stop. What to say exactly, like it’s over, I wish you the best, and so on. Yet, when he calls I go running and it’s to my own detriment, later.
I just don’t feel very good about myself, and I think I deserve better. I am not sure I am ready to end it, and I am searching for the reason why I continued this for nearly four years. He’s only available when it’s handy for him and leaves me hanging on. He says a lot of things like "He never wants to stop" yet doesn’t return calls, etc.
I feel like a fool, so gullible and naive-and yes, desperate. I don’t feel connected to God, and I think this whole long affair is a big stumbling block and I am miserable. It’s turned me into someone I don’t like very much, and someone I am not.
I was so hurt in my previous long term relationship that was abusive, that the first guy that showed any interest in me, I jumped through hoops for. And as a result, feel lost and alone. I have been reading through comments and I, too see that God has lead me to this point today. I typed in Ending an Affair on my search engine, and this is one of the pages I clicked on. Hope you all are well, and in better spaces.
Anyway, I feel so down and depressed. I suppose I also feel cheap. I would appreciate hearing how it gets better. I need encouragement and am praying for the courage to change. I can’t believe how low I have sunk, and I feel like I am trapped in my own bondage, and I have no one but myself to blame for allowing this to happen and keep on happening.
(USA) Shannon and Jane~ Welcome. This is the hardest thing you will ever do breaking this off. It is a day by day process. God divided the week up into 7 24 hour days because that’s truly all we can handle is 24 hours at a time. That adds into several days that adds into a week and then into a month.
We literally get crumbs from the table because they are not ours to have. They belong to another and in our neediness we bought into the lie. And it is a lie. I regret every day what happened. It has ruined my life. I went away on an anniversary trip recently for a marriage that is over 25 years old and had to play act. The affair that ended almost a year ago has zapped my love away and I am not sure I can ever get it back. I was away with him and thinking about someone that has been gone since May 5th or so of last year and that I have not spoken to since September.
Valentine’s hit hard… I sent 2 emails that were not responded to. I am not sure if he just did not respond (which triggers rejection issues) or if she simply deleted them. I had a weak moment and caved. Sometimes I hate myself. I hate what I allowed myself to become.
Repentance is truly a gift from God don’t take it for granted. Sometimes I feel so far off the oath I wonder if I can truly get back to where I was. I am determined to try. I think the memories are the hardest because they cannot be erased and pop up at awkward times.
Please guys and gals get out while you can… please. Hugs to all that want them. Angel
(USA) Hi, Thank you for your help. I really wanted to end this once and for all. I have told him goodbye a few times. And it’s only a matter of time before he calls and I am weak. I wanted it to be over, really, and it started up again.
I am tired of feeling badly about myself and don’t like my reflection in the mirror. He says he never wants to stop this affair and I know it’s never going anywhere. I was so beaten up and downtrodden after my former marriage ended that I found someone who wasn’t available from the moment we met. And I wasn’t ready for a healthy relationship, I feel so disconnected and unhappy, I am praying for courage to let go and move on.
(USA) To Shannon, Go to EAS I village and post your comment there. They have tons of ways, of which I am attempting to end it once and for all. Some of the suggestions and messages are great. In particular the healing library. There are lots of people that are in the same boat as us, and it helps to know we are not alone. I will keep you in my prayers.
Not calling or answering the phone are good places to start. I am still working on breaking this cycle, so keep me in your prayers as well.
Thanks for your input, Angel. You are 100 percent correct.
(USA) Someone is praying for my marriage and my spiritual walk… I can FEEL your prayers. I feel God drawing me in and I have felt humor and feelings towards my husband I have not felt in a long time. Whoever you are that is touching God’s throne for me, please don’t stop! I need you. Angel
(UNITED STATES) Hi, I will keep you in my prayers, especially, Angel. I am feeling a little better today. I know I have to break off this affair and it’s not good for me. I don’t like feeling not good about myself and it’s just wrong. I am asking myself what did I learn from this experience? How can I learn from this not to do this again? And I am praying that I can find the courage once and for all to end this. I will continue taking care of myself and vow to keep the focus on me, and not buy into the lies of the affair.
(USA) Hi Angel – That’s such a lovely testimony! I have not been the one praying, but I think it’s great that you can feel a spiritual lift! God bless, LT
(USA) I am in such sorrow that so many other women are feeling the pain and shame I feel. What was I thinking when I started an affair a year ago? I still have a hard time with the reality of my actions. I always thought people who had affairs were weak and inferior and bad… I thought that no matter what family comes first and that marital vows are to be honored… yet here I am, an adulterer. My two beautiful teenage children would never understand how I could be so weak and do something so devastating to our family.
I so want to do the right thing… I’ve built a life on working hard to do the right thing. I have failed at the most fundamental of "the right thing". Ouch. A bigger "ouch" if my spouse or children ever found out… it would hurt them deeply.
Yet, with all these feelings, I still see my affair partner. The beginning of the affair is a very familiar story… who cares… but I’m having a difficult time breaking it off. Why? Because I can’t stand the thought that this last year has been a complete waste… that all the time I could have spent with my family, I spent with him. Did I really participate in this affair for purely selfish reasons? If we are not soul mates and meant to be together forever, what have I done and who have I become?
(USA) Hi everyone, I’ve read through most of this and I can sympathize and I am also deeply saddened by what I have read. Most of you feel guilty about what you’re doing, and that is a indicator that you know you’re doing the wrong thing. If you continue, I don’t think you’ll ever have true peace with yourselves. The conviction you are experiencing is God given. He is very clear in His word about adultery. He hates it. He says clearly that adulterers will not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. Think about God, your spouses and your kids. The ones you made promises to.
Why do I say this? I cheated on my wife of 17 years 5 months ago. The woman I cheated with was someone I once loved 28 years ago. We hadn’t been in touch all those years but I thought about her every now and again. I decided to search her out to see how she was doing and sent her a letter. She is married as well and responded back so I sent her another. Very quickly it escalated. Within a few weeks we were telling each other how much we loved each other. We both said the right things we each wanted to hear.
My wife found my emails and I was so caught up that I didn’t care. I then decided to fly up for a weekend to see her. My wife warned me not to get intimate but I didn’t care. Sure enough we were intimate. Upon returning, my wife wanted to know what had occurred. I told her there were a few kisses and that was all. Strike one. We continued to email and my wife found those too. Then she asked me to swear to God nothing more happened and I had to tell. Strike two. Still, I was making plans to move out and was starting the process, when very suddenly, I knew I couldn’t do this. I loved my wife and I suddenly realized it very clearly and I loved my 2 girls. The other woman was also convicted and we agreed to break it off.
There is good news and bad news. The good news is that I was able to get over her. It took about a month for me. It was very hard and I grieved. I am over her. You can get over the other person. As I said, it was hard but it got easier and easier. I also think that the longer the relationship, the longer it may take to get over it but remember, I had a previous attachment to her in the past. Also, we live in different states, so I don’t have to see her daily. I haven’t emailed her though, and I don’t have the urge to. In my opinion, if you know you should get out of an adulterous relationship, and you have to see the other person daily or frequently, quit your job or whatever it takes to break ALL contact with them.
The bad news is that my wife and children separated from me 3 weeks ago. Despite my apologies, professing my love for her, my pleas and begging not to break up our family, nothing worked. You can’t imagine what the costs are. The pain, sorrow, regret and loneliness. Coming home to an empty house. The times that are being lost with the kids, family time. Not being intimate with the one who you spent so many years with, the one you developed a bond with through time, and all the ups and downs and life’s struggles.
Then there are the financial struggles and many, many other things you don’t realize that you have and shared together. The costs are very great. I can’t stress this enough. As for the other person you are with, don’t you think in time that honeymoon period will end too? 2nd marriages have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages. Is it selfish what we’ve done? Yes!
Simply put, stop what you’re doing and for those thinking about it, don’t even start.
Nothing good can come of this. Fight for your marriages and families and pray. God can change things if you seek Him and obey. Truly look at yourselves first and see what you are doing wrong in your marriages. Your spouse will probably respond to positive changes in you.
As for strike 3, I am hoping and praying this will never happen. Although separated, will little contact, I am praying for the Lord to change me and resurrect my dead marriage. My faith is continually tested to give up, but I can’t. I pray I won’t and someday we will be united in love again. God hates divorce, breaking trust and the breakup of families, especially the children.
(USA) Hi, Chris- I am praying for you that you can find a way back to your wife and family, and that things work out for you. I am not doing so well, wrestling with my conscience and sitting on the fence. I really I thought I wanted to end it, until the next time… And I feel awful about the mess I have made of everything. I thought I was "in love" with this man and it turned into something secretive and sneaky. Insidious, really. I fell again and I am praying for strength to end this once and for all! I have tried to end it, really, by letters and emails and he comes around to my office or calls me, and I know in my heart that it’s just to continue this stupid affair. So, I know what needs to be done. Thanks for all of your posts.
(USA) Jane, Thank you for your words and prayers. I certainly need them. Though I am discouraged about what good prayer does sometimes, God says they have power and He does not lie. I pray for you, not just for your affair to end, but for rekindled love for your spouse and him for you and if you have children, for them.
You don’t have peace, that much I can see. Obey what you know you should do. In the end, it will bring peace and comfort, knowing you did what was right. It will develop character, and you won’t regret it or feel guilty about it. If you are firm with him and remain so, he’ll go away when he realizes you mean it.
Jane, it’s a process. Once in a while, people and feelings change suddenly. Other times, it takes time, but gets easier as you go. Once you get through it, something inside of you has developed, and this won’t be a problem for you anymore.
Also, to feel "badly" about what you’re doing and how you feel about yourself can be good or bad. Good if it causes you to turn away from what you’re doing. Bad because feeling like a failure can make one weak and leads to falling into the same trap.
I know it’s not easy. I don’t mean to sound that way. Just don’t be like me, and have to have a disaster happen in order to wake up.
God bless you and keep you. I will continue to pray for you and your marriage. By the way, love CAN be rekindled, if you don’t feel like you have any for your spouse. My love for my wife is off the charts ever since I "woke up."
(USA) One more suggestion for anyone who might take it. Get yourself an accountability partner. A real live person, stronger than yourselves, whom you can trust and will be there for you and support what you are trying to do. Someone you can hang out with or call when you are feeling weak. Someone who will pray with you and for you.