Are there areas of your marriage that concern you? What is it that you pray God will help you with within your marriage? Please let us join you in prayer over this matter. Post it below, so others can join you in lifting this up to the throne of God.
“The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)
“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:11-12)
“May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.” (1 Thessalonians 3:12-13)
“May He grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans!” (Psalm 20:4)
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Filed under: Question of the Month
(USA) Do not separate yourself from your husband or your wife; stay in it and fight for your match with everything that is in you.
(USA) Attack problems, not people. Trite, but still true.
The following are a few quotes on conflict resolution that many may find helpful:
“When married life begins to feel like a war —and it will, will you war against each other or will you war together? Life can be intense —lost jobs, lost loved ones, & lost hope. So when the bullets start flying, will you hunker down in the bunker together? When everything begins to war against your marriage, will the two of you fight for each other or will you fight against?” -Paul Angone (Loveandrespectnow.com)
“It takes maturity to have a great marriage.” When you conflict with your spouse and they’re angry: “Be willing to listen and seek to understand. If your spouse gets a chance to share what they are angry or hurting about, it will diffuse the situation. Decide to be the bigger person, and to genuinely listen instead of talking. Your spouse is not insane. If they are upset, there is a good reason. Find it. Empathize.” (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Going from Argument to Harmony”)
“We defeat a spouses’ good intentions when we criticize how they do things. Picking apart the way a spouse does a task guarantees he/she won’t do it again. Re-doing a task after a spouse has done it hurts as much as saying, ‘You did it wrong.’ It’s the same message. If we want our spouses to share household chores, praise and appreciation can help achieve that goal. Criticism and nit-picking can have an opposite effect.” (Alicia Howe, gleaned from the Kyria.com article, “My Job’s Bigger than Your Job”)
“Sometimes the root of your conflict is that one of you is too tired, stressed, scape goating (mad about something else & reacting to your spouse), dealing with hormones, chemical imbalance, negative reaction to medication, or you’re overwhelmed. Do all you can to get proper rest, eat well and reduce stress in your life. If you aren’t able to do this, be aware of how physiology may be affecting you or your spouse.” (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Going from Argument to Harmony”)
“Resolving conflict is a balancing act. By purposefully holding back honest communication, the silent partner in marriage can stunt the growth of the relationship. The opposite characteristic —being the overly dominant spouse, also has pitfalls. By finding appropriate balance between these extremes, we create a better marriage. More importantly, these characteristics often carry over into our relationship with God.” (Matthew D. Turvey, from Focusonthefamily.com article, “Fighting Fair”)
“To keep minor points of difference, little things your spouse does from becoming irritants and obstacles in your relationship, deny yourself, like Jesus said. Rather than insisting your way is right in matters of minor importance, let some stuff go. Rather than nagging and nitpicking, which is like being nibbled to death by a duck, express your dislikes in ways that don’t rankle, threaten and lead to even bigger blowups.” (Excerpted from “Moments With You” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey)
When conflicting with your spouse: “Use Repair Attempts. When something has gone sideways, give a little space, but also look for ways to re-open the lines of communication. Here are some things that can work: Apologize, an act of kindness (such as bring them their favorite drink or do the dishes), say something nice, touch them gently, sometimes appropriately placed humor can also help (caution & wisdom is needed).” (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Going from Argument to Harmony”)
“The other day I was watching a couple talk. They were constantly interrupting each other. Neither of them felt heard and as a result neither was willing to listen. It was a sad cycle. The moral of this story is that, in difficult situations, someone has to start listening. …Practice the skill of listening, perhaps ask a few questions. Listening deeply says you care and you want to hear his (or her) heart.” (Lori Byerly, from the blog, “Listening Is a Good Start”)
“If you’re walking through a hard time in your marriage, surround yourself with true friends. Our tendency, when we’re hurting, is to look for someone who will empathize with us. But ultimately that may make you feel temporarily better, but it doesn’t solve the problem. Find someone who will ask, ‘what Scriptures are you standing on?’ ‘What have you done to make this better?’ ‘What else do you think you could do?’” (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the Tolovehonorandvacuum.com article, “The Right Attitude for Improving a Marriage”)
“If you have been together very long, you know how to push her buttons. At least, you know how to push the ones that get her [him] upset –but what about those that make her [him] feel good, loved, relaxed or secure? Work on building up a number of ‘bless her’ [or ‘bless him’] buttons. Refine those you know, and look for new ones. Then push those buttons frequently!” -Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com
“Understanding that we don’t have it all together is a step in the right direction. But if we fail to understand how to move forward and work on our marriages then we’re no better off. Maybe there’s a couple in your life that you respect and admire. Ask them how they make it work. Then think of ways you can learn and adapt what helps them into your own marriage. Then think of others you can be a positive influence on.” (Jay Hafling from the Donotdisturbblog.wordpress.com article, “Curb Appeal: 5 Ways to Make Your Marriage Attractive”)
“In studies of 700 miserable, ready-to-split spouses, researchers found that two thirds of those who stayed married were happy five years later. They toughed out some of the most difficult problems a couple could face… What was their strategy? A mix of stubborn commitment, a willingness to work together on issues, and a healthy lowering of expectations.” -Featured in Prevention Magazine
(US) I like Hal Runkel’s Calm Down, Grow Up and Get Closer [ScreamFree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer
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… When I am able to focus on myself and my own emotions and speak and act from my own place of integrity — no matter what my spouse does or does not do — I change the energy.
During times of conflict, I try to slow down (take a breath, literally) and get my emotions under control, think about what I really want to say to honor my voice yet not hurt my husband (who is my life partner) and pick the right time to have the conversation. I also try to practice this with my kids.
Tough sometimes when you just want to get loud to be heard and make your point … but knowing that my marriage is a team and conflict is a healthy part of growing closer if we allow it to be makes the difference for me.
If you are a strongly emotional person, do not trust your emotions to be the truth. Conversely, if your spouse is a strongly emotional person, consider that their emotions really aren’t the truth. Since you can only control yourself, consider that the emotions that you are feeling or are witnessing are concealing the real substance of the conflict. Try to keep your emotions from blinding you or closing your ears or loosing your tongue!
Listen. Take turns listening. If you feel really emotional and that you are absolutely the one who is right, let the other person speak first and hold your tongue, don’t interrupt. After you’ve considered what they have to say than you can share your thoughts. Listening is one of those things we have to practice doing for the rest of our lives.
Patience and anger.