Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men. But in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why spouses leave marriage on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive. But hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion —particularly in the comment section below this message.
Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple —it’s because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it appears easier to divorce in today’s world.
So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms. It will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.
Why Wives Leave Marriage
If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:
- “She feels lonely and abandoned.”
- “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something.” (And we all know what the “something” is.)
- “He’s having an affair either emotionally—viewing pornography or physically having an affair.
- “She feels disconnected. She feels that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters.”
- “He seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her.”
And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.
Why Husbands Leave Marriage
Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare. This is followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious. I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.
As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things. First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:
- Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line.
- Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair.
- Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems. It can include child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.
Why Spouses Leave Marriage
We hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”). And we hear from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are ready to walk out or have already left. That is we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley. He wrote a helpful article titled, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares. So pray, glean, and see what speaks to you about your situation (whether you are the husband or the wife).
Here is a portion of what Dr Harley writes:
“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them —let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts. And when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
Feeling Neglected
“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.
“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”
Dr Harley continues:
“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, ‘He ignores me except when he wants sex. He sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. Plus, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.’ Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To learn more solutions Dr Harley gives, please read “Why Women Leave Men.”)
Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with without really realizing the effort it will take to make their marriage into a good one. Plus, their expectations are too high. This sets them up later for big problems as illustrated above.
Trashing and Cleaning Up Marriage
It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage—to get it to the place where it is messed up, needing a clean up. But when the marriage appears to be too much of a “mess” to clean up, that’s when spouses are tempted to just leave marriage. It appears to be too overwhelming.
In our 45+ years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley and Sue Boulin described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me. And sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs. I did not realize how important they were to her.
To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, How can we change this pattern so we don’t look at divorce as an option? I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen. It’s written in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:
“You can do two things that most people cannot resist. You can love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”
Think and pray about this. We have a lot of articles posted on this web site that can build upon this concept. Plus, we have articles that can help you to “clean up” the trashy attitudes and actions that spouses can fall into. Here are two of them:
• The Practice of Self Sacrifice
• Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen
The effort it will take to clean up a trashy marriage goes with the scriptures:
“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. Rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.“ (Galatians 5:13-15)
And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you need help, make improving your marriage your mission. Look around our web site to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.
We encourage you to go into the Romantic Ideas topic. Please read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” Applying some of these tips could help you to love and serve your spouse as God intends.
Steve and Cindy Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for almost 12 years. The early years he was verbally and mentally abusive. I left him when I did not feel our children were safe anymore. He was drinking then. I told him I would wait for him.. and I did faithfully. I have always thought that people that cheated were disgusting. After he got out of rehab and got on meds for his bipolar condition, he got his life in order. I came back with our two children and got pregnant with our third.
Life was back to the usual… he disappears every evening after work to fish till after dark and on the weekends he would hunt, golf or target shoot in the mountains… which means I never saw him… and neither did our children. Well, life is still that way.
I love that he works hard but I feel like he is only a check. I am soooo lonely! I have been lonely most of our marriage. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the child rearing and all the bill paying… and I haven’t been able to work regularly due to young children still at home.
He can’t plan or have goals because it is too much stress for him… I have had to rely on God and give up dreams of my own. I have found myself dreaming of cheating. I can’t believe this because I hate the thought of cheating but I feel desperate. I can’t seem to get my mind off of the idea. Not to sound vane but I hear a lot that I am a beatiful woman so I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me or pay attention to me.
When I had come back to him after being separated, I had heard from different sources that they saw him with a woman or that he came onto another woman. Sometimes I think he is cheating but he denies it. I have not been able to prove it. I am sooo scared that I will eventually cheat… and it has nothing to do with sex, it has to do with wanting to feel loved. I feel so empty. I feel so lonely. I have not left him because I want my kids to have a father (even though they don’t see him much)… and I do want to do the right thing.
I used to nag… I haven’t nagged or complained for almost 2 years. I don’t even say anything when he leaves every weekend for days during hunting season. I am just sittiing here bored and crying alone… and if I say anything to him he would be mad at me… so I don’t say anything.
(USA) Sometimes we really just get tired. It’s tiring when you pay most (at times all) the bills, do all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, schedule all the doctor’s appointments, and pick up after everyone. But you get up in the morning, look at the family you love, and start all over again.
It’s painful sometimes when you do all you can and get complaints because everything is not done exactly to your spouse’s pleasing. The statment that women are spoiled and overdemanding… ha ha ha ha! I don’t remember when I actually spent money on myself, just to at least get my hair done. Some of us are just out here trying to handle our business. Look, at the end of the day just knowing that my kids love me, and God loves me and strengthens me, carries me through another day.
(GHANA) I believe it takes very little to please a woman (at least someone like me), but sad that men will not just lift a finger at doing that right thing. I have only been in marriage for a year and I have so much regret already. I have had problems with my husband since the week after our marriage. I am just in the relationship by myself and I am not appreciated in any way. My husband reports me to his mum and sisters before I can rethink any mistake I make and apologize for it. The entire family hates me. Considering how long I waited for marriage and how zealous I was about the man I married, this is just so sad for me. I wish I were back to that single woman who hoped on God. At least, I had hope then. Every time I think of the ’till death do us part’ vow I made, I shudder with fear.
I get no appreciation for my contributions. I can’t ask my husband for anything for him to do it. In fact, if I ask, the more reason he won’t do it, to even our sex lives. Some simple things I want like hugs and kisses go ignored, and if I dare ask, that means he will take special care that he doesn’t hug or kiss me, months at a stretch. I have dedicated myself to pleasing him in bed, while he doesn’t care so much about if I enjoy sex, not to talk of reaching orgasm.
My husband is also a master at malice. I can call him at the end of a day and he might refuse to pick his phone. Meanwhile he literarily ‘lives’ on his phone with his other friends. His new state of the art phone ensures internet connectivity round the clock and that has made my case worse. After chatting and using his phone all day everyday, he brings the phone to bed with him and chats or surfs the web till he drops off to sleep.
I’m a Christian wife who is trying my best to turn my attention to God in all of this. However, this is easier said than done because I have no other form of distraction. I was pregnant but lost the baby and throughout the difficult, early pregnancy period, my husband’s neglect continued all the way, never one to do simple things for me like bringing me water or making tea for me, help me up or rub my back.
My husband pays the house rent while I help with other bills. I try to help out when I can and when I can’t, I stretch my budget to help out even when it’s not convenient all to please him, but I’m not appreciated in a bit. I’ve become a shadow of myself and try to smile to cover up, but I’m dying gradually inside. I’ve never experienced betrayal on this level before and it has made me lose faith in a lot of things. I find it hard to be genuinely happy for people when I hear they are getting married cos marriage has become one very sad word for me.
If I have my way, i will leave – that is the truth because the doctor says my BP is rising and now I’m begining to forget things. I knew I was developing serious problems when I woke up in the middle of the night and it took a while to ‘know’ which city I was in. I looked at my husband sleeping beside me and was trying to remember his name. But the fact is…will I have my way?
(USA) Hey Esther, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the way things turned out in your marriage. Guess what? Mine was somewhat the same at the beginning. Those days I was young and feisty and thought I could nag him to change. He never did. The only change he made was change in the things that he took up to distract himself from the marriage. Eight years now, I have changed, grown, been through an affair, and now I realize that I am destroying myself, I have decided to leave because he will never change for me. I hope things work out for you. I am an African woman as well.
(UK) 1st PAGE. Christian Wedlock.
QUESTION: Can a woman have more than two husbands? ANSWER:No, a woman cannot have more than two living husbands. A man has no choice, as he must be in wedlock with one wife. But a woman has three choices. Firstly, no wedlock with a husband. Secondly, wedlock with one husband. Or thirdly, wedlock with two husbands. That’s it, there are no further choices for a woman, and there is no choice at all for a man.
1 Corinthians 7:2 – King James 1611. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Yr. 1783. 10th George Prince of Wales Own Hussars. (King George III).
Yr. 1898. 19th Alexandra Princess of Wales Own Hussars. (Queen Victoria).
Therefore two women can own a regiment of cavalry, and two men can own a regiment of cavalry.
1 Corinthians 6:16 King James 1611.
What! know ye not that he which is joined to a harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
Therefore in the New Testament a man and woman lying together are one flesh, as follows:
A husband and wife who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh. – A man and courtesan/prostitute who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh. – A man and common courtesan or common prostitute who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh. – An adulterer and adultress who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh. – An adulterer and fornicatress who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh. – A fornicator and adultress who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh. – A fornicator and fornicatress who lie together by carnal copulation shall be one flesh.
Clearly the New Testament lays down that a man must be in wedlock with his own wife, and a woman must be in wedlock with her own husband. Furthermore the New Testament specifically limits the number of wives that a man can have to only one, but sets no limit to the number of husbands a woman can have. But there must be some limit for a woman, or one woman could be in wedlock with thousands of men. Rationally, if one woman can satisfy the bodily lust of one man every day, and forty men can satisfy the bodily lust of one woman every day, then is one wife for every man and forty husbands for every woman what the New Testament requires? No, because the New Testament is a document of truth, not a document of reason.
2nd PAGE. Luke 1:28 – King James 1611. Luke 1:31 – King James 1611. Luke 1:28-35 – King James 1611. In the New Testament, the angel Gabriel came in unto Mary, a virgin woman, and Mary conceived and delivered her firstborn son, Jesus, the son being God the Son, the father being God the Father. And when Mary’s womb delivered her firstborn son Jesus unto the world, then Mary was like all women delivered of a firstborn son unto the world, as a woman’s firstborn son can never belong to the mother but must belong to the Lord God.
Luke 2:23 – King James 1611. Exodus 13:2&12 – King James 1611. And so like all women delivered of a firstborn son, Mary was no longer a virgin woman, but like all said women, Mary was a holy woman.
Matthew 13:53-56 – King James 1611. Mark 6:1-4 – King James 1611. And husband Joseph Jacob came in unto Mary and husband Joseph Heli came in unto Mary, and Mary conceived and delivered Jesus’ brothers, James, Joses, Simon, Judas, and also Jesus’ sisters.
Matthew 1:6; Matthew 1:16 – King James 1611. Luke 3:23; Luke 3:31 – King James 1611. Joseph Jacob was the descendent of King David’s son Solomon, and Joseph Heli was the descendent of King David’s son Nathan.
Genesis 38:16-18 – King James 1611. “Came in unto her” means congress or carnal copulation. In the Old Testament, Judah came in unto Tamar, his daughter-in-law, and Tamar conceived and delivered twin sons. Tamar had lain in wait for Judah on the side of a far away road, and Judah had been unable to recognize Tamar because she was wearing a veil, and only common harlots wore veils. Upon first seeing this strange woman wearing a veil, Judah bargained a payment of his personal signet ring, his personal wrist bangles, and his personal walking staff, for coming in unto her. Tamar had been in wedlock with Judah’s first son, who God had killed for being wicked. Tamar had then been in wedlock with Judah’s second son, who God had then killed when he saw the second son deliberately spill his seed on the ground during carnal copulation with Tamar. Judah then pledged Tamar that she could marry his third son when he became old enough for wedlock. But when his third son became old enough to marry, Judah broke his pledge and forbade his third son to marry Tamar. When Tamar was seen in her third month to be heavy with child, Judah was told that Tamar was with child through harlotry. Judah then summoned Tamar to him in order to be burnt to death for harlotry. Tamar came and Judah demanded that Tamar tell him by which man she was with child. Tamar then produced the signet ring, the wrist bangles, and the walking staff, and said the man who gave me these is the man by whom I am with child. Then Judah confessed to all that he had broken his pledge and sinned by going back on his word that Tamar could have wedlock with his third son when his third son became of age, and then denying such wedlock to her. Six months later Tamar safely gave birth to the twin sons conceived with Judah.
3rd PAGE. Genesis 1:27-28- King James 1611. Genesis 2:7; Genesis 2:18-19 – King James 1611. Genesis 3:20 – King James 1611. The first man and first woman in this world were Adam and Eve. Adam means “man” in the hebrew tongue, and Eve means “life” in the hebrew tongue. Therefore a man is man, but a woman is life.
Romans 7:4-6 – King James 1611. Old Testament law dead and gives as an example that a woman can have more than one husband.
1 Timothy 3:2 – King James 1611. A bishop can have only one wife, and as he must be an example to other men, a man can have only one wife.
1 Timothy 3:12 – King James 1611. A deacon can have only one wife, and as he must be an example to other men, a man can have only one wife.
Titus 1:6 – King James 1611. An elder can have only one wife.
1 Timothy 5:4; 1 Timothy 5:9 – King James 1611. Elders are not to provide for widows under three score years of age without children, who have only had one husband.
The Estate of Marriage. Martin Luther 1522. Although Martin Luther confirmed that a woman could have two husbands, he nevertheless immediately restricted it to women who were in a marriage which had produced no children and who had then obtained permission from their first husband to take their second husband. Confusingly, Martin Luther did not make it clear as to how long a woman had to wait before taking her second husband.
To sum up, the New Testament upholds the example of deacons, elders, and bishops, for men to follow. That example is one wife. The New Testament also lays down that the Old Testament no longer applies to men or women, except for the 10 Commandments, and gives as an example of this that a woman is no longer bound to have only one husband. If men must follow the example of the male Christian leader, whether bishop, deacon, or elder, then surely women must follow the example of the female Christian leader. What leader is that? The primary one in the New Testament is Mary, the Mother of Jesus, God the Son.
Luke 1:35; Luke 1:41 – King James 1611. Mary had carnal copulation with three men. The Angel Gabriel, Joseph Jacob, and Joseph Heli. However, Mary was only in wedlock with two men, Joseph Jacob, and Joseph Heli. Furthermore, the Angel Gabriel was not a man of this world, and he seems not to have taken a fully visible male form when he had carnal copulation with Mary as ordered by God the Father, for it appears that at some stage God the Holy Ghost came upon or entered Mary. Either this was at the moment Mary conceived or immediately afterwards. After Mary conceived, she immediately went to visit her cousin Elisabeth, who was six months with child, a son, who also had been conceived when Elisabeth had been filled by God the Holy Ghost.
4th PAGE. Accordingly it would be fully in accordance with the New Testament for a man to have one wife, and a woman to have two husbands. That the Angel Gabriel had carnal copulation with Mary is both interesting and theologically necessary, but it is not enough of an example for a woman to attempt to take a third husband in wedlock, whilst her first and second husbands still liveth.
Matthew 19:11-12 – King James 1611. The New Testament does not give man any choice; he must have wedlock with one woman. Although do bear in mind that Jesus, God the Son, was not in wedlock with any woman.
But the New Testament gives a woman three choices.
1st Choice: Virgin woman without wedlock.
2nd Choice: Virgin woman with one husband in wedlock without child. Virgin woman with one husband in wedlock with female child or female children. Holy woman with one husband in wedlock with firstborn male child. Holy woman with one husband in wedlock with male child or children together with female child or children.
3rd Choice: Holy woman with two husbands in wedlock with firstborn male child. Holy woman with two husbands in wedlock with male child or children together with female child or children.
A number of denominations have a service for wedlock, but so far every one of them has inserted words that clearly say a woman may be in wedlock with only one man at a time. Even the State Lutheran Evangelical Church of Sweden states this, despite Martin Luther himself saying that a wife can be in wedlock with two living husbands.
But what do you expect? After all, Martin Luther stated in writing that under no circumstances was anyone to call himself a “Lutheran” and under no circumstances was any church to call itself a “Lutheran Church”. So what do all northern europeans called themselves? Lutherans! Ask them what church they belong to? The Lutheran Church!
A number of denominations do not have any service for wedlock, on the grounds that wedlock is not a church matter, as it is a state matter. But every such denomination has nevertheless inserted words in that denomination’s discussion of wedlock, that firmly says that a woman can only have one husband in wedlock at a time.
Nowhere do any of the denominations give any explanation for their defiance of the New Testament. Of course that just might be because there is neither any justifiable explanation or excusable explanation for such defiance.
Still, just looking at using only the principle of choice as a guide, all the above denominations are pointing in the right direction, even if they are not pointing down the correct path.
5th PAGE. That is, a man has no choice, he must make efforts to be in wedlock with one wife at some stage of his life here in this world. And a woman still has a choice, in that she may choose not to be in wedlock with a man in this world, or she may choose to be in wedlock with one husband at some stage of her life here in this world. This means that the principle of a woman having a choice remains intact.
The defiance of both the Lord God and the New Testament by the various denominations by the removal of a woman’s option to make efforts to be in wedlock with two husbands at the same time at some stage of her life in this world, still leaves intact the principle of choice for the woman and no choice for the man.
Constitution of The Spartans (Xenophon). 388 B.C. – League of The Iroquois (Lewis Henry Morgan). 1851 A.D. Only two non-christian groups in the world have been known to practice New Testament wedlock. The Spartans and the Mohawk.
Only monandry and diandry, or New Testament style wedlock, was lawful among the Spartans, citizens of the greatest of the greek city-states, Sparta, and history’s final saviours of Western Civilization at Thermopylae (The Hot Gates) in 480 B.C.
And only monandry and diandry, or New Testament style wedlock, was lawful among the Mohawk, citizens of the greatest of the eastern woodland North American tribes, which forever blocked France’s attempt to seize New York so as to split England’s colonies in twain.
Much criticism of both the Spartans and the Mohawk, has been leveled by outsiders who complain of the extreme freedom of the females and the extreme militarism of the males. It must be noted that there is no record of any Spartan male, Spartan female, Mohawk male, or Mohawk female, complaining of female freedom or male militarism.
Whatever your point of view on Spartan life or Mohawk life, the New Testament lays down cast-iron guidelines for wedlock. The fact that the New Testament complies with Spartan law and Mohawk law is irrelevant.
Of absolutely no relevance to this discussion, the symbol of the United States of America is the bald headed eagle, which is a species that uses both monandry and diandry for conception, and where the one male or two males reside in the exactly the same nest as the one female. The one female and either the one male or two males, stay in the nest together and raise the chick together.
Mark 10:7 – King James 1611. Ephesians 5:31 – King James 1611. Both husbands must leave their families to go and become a member of the wife’s family, or the one husband must leave his family to go and become a member of the wife’s family.
THE NEW TESTAMENT FORBIDS MOHAMMEDRY. THE NEW TESTAMENT FORBIDS POLYGAMY. THE NEW TESTAMENT FORBIDS CLITORECTI. THE NEW TESTAMENT FORBIDS MONKERY. THE NEW TESTAMENT FORBIDS POPERY. THE NEW TESTAMENT FORBIDS CASTRATI.
6th PAGE. CAPITAL LAWES OF THE GOVERNMENT OF THE MOHAWK.
1st. If any person within this Government of The Mohawk shall by direct, exprest, impious, or presumptuous ways, deny the true God and his Attributes; he shall be put to death.
2nd. If any person within this Government of The Mohawk shall maliciously and on purpose deny that any Mohawk person may have arms for his defence suitable to his condition and as allowed by law; he shall be put to death.
3rd. If any person shall commit any willful murder, which is manslaughter, committed upon malice, hatred, or cruelty, not in a man’s necessary or just defence, nor by mere casualty against his will; he shall be put to death.
4th. If any person shall slay, or cause another to be slain by guile or by poisoning or any such wicked conspiracy; he shall be put to death.
5th. If any man or woman shall lye with any beast or brute creature by carnal copulation; they shall be put to death, and the beast shall be burned.
6th. If any man lyeth with a man or mankind as he lyeth with a woman; they shall be put to death, unless the one party were forced or under fourteen years of age, in which case he shall not be punished.
7th. If any man forcibly stealth or carrieth away any woman or womankind; he shall be put to death.
8th. If any person shall bear false witness maliciously and on purpose to take away any person’s life; he shall be put to death.
9th. If any man shall traitorously deny his Clanmother’s right and titles to her Eagle Feathers and Dominions, or shall raise arms to resist her Authority; he shall be put to death.
10th. If any man shall treacherously conspire or publiquely attempt, to invade or surprise any town or towns, fort or forts, within this Government of the Mohawk; he shall be put to death.
11th. If any child or children, above sixteen years of age, and of sufficient understanding, shall smite his or their Natural Mother or Lodgemother, unless thereunto provoked and foret for the self preservation from death or mayming, then at the complaint of the said Mother and Lodgemother, and not otherwise, they being sufficient witnesses thereof; that child or those children so offending shall be put to death.
12th. If any stubborn and rebellious son or sons, above sixteen years of age, and of sufficient understanding, shall not obey the voice of his or their Natural Mother or Lodgemother, and that when the said Mother or Lodgemother have chastened such son or sons will not hearken unto them, then at the complaint of the said Mother and Lodgemother, and not otherwise, they being sufficient witnesses thereof; that son or those sons so offending shall be put to death.
7th PAGE. 13th. If any unmarryed man above twentyeight years of age and under fortytwo years of age shall maliciously and on purpose refuse wedlock for over fourteen days with any marryed woman under sixtythree years of age, said marryed woman having borne a son, or unmarryed woman under sixtythree years of age; he shall be put to death.
14th. If any person shall maliciously and on purpose deny any marryed woman wedlock with two husbands, said marryed woman having borne a son, or any unmarryed woman wedlock with one husband; he shall be put to death.
15th. If any marryed man shall lye with a woman by carnal copulation, other than his one wife; he shall be put to death.
16th. If any marryed woman shall lye with a man by carnal copulation, other than her two husbands or one husband; she shall be put to death.
17th. If any unmarryed man shall lye with a woman by carnal copulation; he shall be whipt thirteen strokes, unless he hath his Natural Mother or Lodgemother authority, in which case he shall not be punished.
18th. If any unmarryed woman shall lye with a man by carnal copulation; she shall be whipt three strokes, unless she hath her Natural Mother or Lodgemother authority, in which case she shall not be punished.
19th. If any person shall geld any man or mankind to take away generative power or virility; he shall be put to death.
20th. If any person shall geld any woman or womankind; he shall be put to death.
(CANADA) In conclusion I have read all the posts and it is husbands who have tried and failed with unappreciative wives, and wives who have failed with unappreciative husbands. It is just people not husbands, not wives that are bad. Not men or women that are bad, but crippled lovers who themselves had early lives of neglect so that is all they can pass on. Maybe we should look for the early signals these people show and avoid them in the first place.
(USA) Reading this really hit the spot. My relationship with my ex to be started off with her lying to me about another man. I caught her in the lies and her excuse was he just got out of jail, his aunt just died, I didnt want to be a cold hearted B and tell him I had someone else, etc.. etc.. I let it go and tried to work through it with her, but that set us up for some trust issues and insecurities. She never was willing to work through those. It was always “just deal with it, it happened and I was with him in name only.”
Throughout the marriage I was financially supporting her and coming home doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning. I would ask her how her day went and try to engage her in conversation, get her to watch a movie with me, or play WII, or just talk and interact. But she always had an excuse not to. Our sex life was non existent because “she had a low sex drive.”
There was no communication and even if I had proof in front of me showing she was lying to me, I was always the one that had to apologize and back down if I wanted the fights to stop. Now here we are 2 years later getting a divorce because I cuaght her in some more lies. But of course she denies everything and blames everything on me.
I spent 2 years trying to work the marriage with her. I would come home from work and go play on my computer while she would sit out in the living room on messengers, texting and talking on phone, hours on end to her friends, but would never give me any time. Her excuse: “well, I don’t see my friends everyday.” I am sorry but just becuase you see your spouse everyday doesn’t mean you ignore them and don’t spend time with them. I tried to be a good husband, even now when she wants the divorce, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me and to work on the marriage but she refuses. So I agree in this day and age it’s not always the husbands fault.
(AUSTRALIA) Lies and manipulation are a dead giveaway of an abusive relationship. When one person is giving 100%, apologising, constantly changing who they are in order to accommodate the other person, then the relationship is unequal. I doubt that joint counseling would have even helped, given that such counseling is designed to help couples with mutual issues that BOTH parties want to work on but need help in. But the fact that she wouldn’t go indicates that you are flogging a dead horse.
My counselor has told me that 75% of abusive marriages end in divorce (in non-abusive marriages, the figure is more like 25%). Sooner or later, the spouse simply finds it intolerable to live in those conditions, even if others can’t see it because the spouse can be very manipulative and convincing of innocence. When I told my pastor that I was sorry it seemed I was finding the easy way out, she said that in fact it was admirable I had stayed for so long. She herself would have left earlier.
I hope you get the support post-separation. Although I have never seen God fail to provide for people leaving oppressive marriages (He came to set the captives free), there is the effect of traumatic bonding, caused by the intermittent times of goodness or affection. Also, it is almost certain that you will be seen as the bad guy as she mounts a campaign against you. In time, the truth will prevail, but you may never get to convince even your friends that you had no choice but to leave. Importantly, God doesn’t condemn you.
Sadly, those who purport to support you may inadvertently be her allies because bystanders who see the mistreatment and do nothing become the allies of the offender, whether they intend to or not, as silence is interpreted as approval or at least as forgiveness by the offender. People who parrot the message that you were partially to blame or that it was something mutual also carry her flag – don’t accept such fraudulent messages. Stick close to the Lord and with the help of time and distance, things will become clearer and you will know you did the right thing.
(USA) This is good advice.
(AUSTRALIA) Thanks, Daddy L. What I am discovering is that the difference between good and bad advice can be life and death. It is not just the individual that needs the right direction, everyone in his/her sphere of influence is affected, as well as the generations to come. We have the opportunity to stop the curse of the generations.
According to Judith Herman, in her classic, Trauma and Recovery, trauma destroys the sustaining bonds between individual and community. The solidarity of a group provides the strongest protection against terror and despair, and the strongest antidote to traumatic experience. Trauma isolates; the group re-creates a sense of belonging. Trauma degrades the victim; the group exalts her. Trauma dehumanizes the victim; the group restores her humanity.
Blogs like this one can act like that sort of group until victims find the right support group. The saddest thing is that although Christians already have a ready-made community, it is that very community that often becomes the vehicle for further abuse by inadvertently becoming allies of the abuser. That’s why statistics show that Christian women stay in their abusive marriages for an average of 2 years more (I don’t know the stats for males), and that they suffer worse abuse, according to shelter workers.
The first port of call for victims is still Christian ministers, and not being trained in domestic abuse, often tell them to pray more, or not to provoke, or to try to understand the spouse more, etc. Worse still, often women are called to joint counseling, and verbal abuse happens right under the nose of the pastor, who doesn’t stop it and by being neutral, joins in with the abuser. Hence what professionals call the “myth of neutrality” because it is not possible to be neutral – being neutral plays into the hands of the abuser (who wants it to be seen as mutual) and hence isn’t neutral. Simply standing by while witnessing verbal and psychological abuse is giving a nod to the abuse and is hugely distressing to the victim. If the church is the pillar and foundation of truth, this shouldn’t be so.
(AUSTRALIA) It’s an interesting question – why do women or men leave? Nobody feels comfortable at the ease at which divorces seem to happen. If marriage is to be reflective of the purest and highest relationship there could ever be, that is of the Trinity, and also of Christ and His people, then Christians, of all people, should have the most fulfilling and satisfying marriages. No wonder Christians of all people strive to enhance and preserve the institution of marriage because when society witnesses a godly marriage, it witnesses the very character of God.
On the other hand, for every marriage that breaks up when it shouldn’t, there is one that fosters death, should have been buried and entraps innocent parties who don’t know how to leave. It is especially hard for Christians, who have to not only endure the question, “Why didn’t you leave?” but also “Why DID you leave?” from the church community, who rightly regard marriage with the highest honour.
I found the following very informative and helpful, for those who are perplexed at why some took so long to leave, and for those who are wondering why their loved ones were or are struggling to leave. It is written by a Christian survivor/author:
WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE? The [victim of domestic violence] appears to be a full participant, a consenting adult, a collaborator. So it seems, but in any relationship with a violent person, there can be no such thing as full and equal participation. What the battered woman participates in, as best she can, is an effort to regain the relationship she once had and hopes to have again — Didn’t he promise? — the relationship without the violence. Trying to save a marriage, or save her life, or save her children, a battered woman may submit to violence, just as a rape victim may submit to rape for fear of being killed. But submission is not consent.
Anne Jones, Next Time, She’ll Be Dead: Battering and How to Stop It
Boston: Beacon Press, 1994, pp. 126-127.
The question “Why didn’t you leave?” often offends victims of domestic abuse. It seems to blame the victim, rather than the perpetrator. It presumes that the victim was more wrong for staying than the perpetrator was for entrapping and hurting her… If you have ever felt like asking this question, or if you have even been asked it, here are some answers to “Why didn’t you leave?” Of course, not all these reasons will apply to every victim, but many victims will identify with a large number of them.
Lack of identification of the problem – I was unsure about what “abuse” was. – I sought help from my doctor but he didn’t identify the problem as domestic violence; he just gave me antidepressants or tranquillisers for my “nerves”. – I don’t think my situation is “domestic violence”. I don’t like that term. – I thought: “He doesn’t beat me up, so I’m not a victim of domestic violence.”
Illness and lack of energy – I was too hurt by everything to be able to work out what to do. I didn’t have the energy. – I was too sick from all the stress of the abuse. – I am too old and weak to leave now.
The children – I was trying to protect my children from all the stresses of a separation and divorce. – My children were having learning difficulties and I didn’t want to disrupt their schooling. – I thought the children needed their father. – They loved him. – I thought a violent father was better than no father at all. – He had threatened to have sex with our daughter if I refused him sex. – I was frightened because he said he would take the children off me.
I believed in being committed to marriage – I was committed to my marriage. I took “till death do us part” very seriously. – I had made an inner vow never to break my marriage vows. – I am hardworking; I thought, “I can work at this.”
The relationship had some good parts – I still loved my husband. Sometimes he was really nice to me. – I didn’t want the marriage to end; I just wanted the abuse to stop.
I had compassion for my spouse – I thought the problem was his drinking, or his mental illness; I felt sorry for him because he was “sick”. – I didn’t realise the problem was he was an abuser. – He needed me to be there so he could manage the rest of his life. – He said he would kill himself if I left. – I thought if I stayed I could help him get better.
I am loyal; I was conscious of the damage it would do to his reputation.
My own best qualities (like my empathy and caring) were used as weapons against me. – I was going to leave; then he became terminally ill and now I feel trapped. I can’t leave him; I would feel too guilty; so I am his full-time carer now. – The community I live in is so small that I am frightened of seeking help — the gossip, and my husband hearing about it, is too risky.
Traumatic attachment – My spouse had convinced me that it was all my fault. – I thought I was going crazy. I didn’t know what was right or wrong any more, and had lost my sense of self. I looked to him for reassurance, love and leadership. – The emotional pain I felt when I left seemed worse than the pain I felt when I stayed in the abuse and buried my feelings.
Shame – I was ashamed to admit that the man I had married and had children with was terrorising me. – The realisation that it was domestic violence killed me inside; I was still walking but was only a shell.
Terror – I could not bear to see him wreck everything in the house (and the house itself), which he had started to do last time I left. – I thought my spouse might kill me if I left.
Disbelief or bad advice from others – When I told people about the abuse, they didn’t believe me. – I had concealed my pain and injuries for so long that, when I told people about them, they did not believe me. – I was told by the church that I shouldn’t divorce. – My minister told me to go back, pray, and submit more.
Lack of support from others – When I tried to seek help about the abuse, people treated me like I was a leper or something. – My family were not helpful; they told me what to do, instead of helping me work it out for myself and supporting me in my decisions. – My family got so sick of me leaving and going back to him that in the end they wiped their hands of me. – My (immigrant) community told me I was picking up ideas from the “Western” way of life that were not appropriate. – As an older woman, I didn’t want to go to an agency that deals with women who are raising children. – I thought all the workers at the support agency would be young, so they wouldn’t understand me as an older woman. (I found out later that this was not true.)
Condemnation from others, and myself – I thought God would condemn me if I left my marriage. – I knew some Christians would condemn me if I left my marriage. – I saw how other women were treated when they spoke up about their abusive marriages. – I left him, but went back because Christians told me I was a “rebellious wife”. – Christians told me, “A good Christian does not have problems.” – I didn’t want to live as a single mother. – I didn’t want to end up in a huddle with other divorced women, where all we did was complain about our ex-husbands and resent life. (That was the image I had of divorcees.) – Being a widow you get support and sympathy; being divorced you get stigmatized. – My priest said, “All you people in the younger generation think about is me, me, me! You are always abandoning your commitments to other people in order to be yourself or find yourself.” – My priest said, “You must not be a Christian because you obviously don’t believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to change a person.”
Fear of how I would cope on my own – I was worried I might not cope on my own. – I had no money. – I didn’t think I could earn enough to support the children on my own. – I had no job skills. – My husband prevented me from upgrading my education to improve my job prospects. – I didn’t know there were refuges/ help with finances and housing. – I didn’t know that I could get a residence visa by the special provisions for domestic violence victims. I thought this country would deport me because I didn’t have a valid visa.
The housing crisis – Why should I and the kids leave? It’s our house too, our garden too, the kids are settled at school. – Our property is jointly owned (or in his name) and I think I would lose it. – I had nowhere to go. – When I phoned the crisis line, all the shelters were full. – I didn’t dare go to a refuge because I thought they were all run by New Age radical lesbian feminists who would see my Christianity as part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. (I found out later this was not true.) – I did leave: I went to the shelter, then to a safe house for a short-term tenancy, then they sent me an eviction notice, and I had just had a miscarriage (from the last beating) and felt at the end of my rope, and it was Christmas time… so I went back.
Living in hope: the buy-back – I lived in hope that the next day would be better. – I did leave, several times, but I went back, because of all the above reasons, and because I was so lonely, poor, homeless, friendless, depressed, and I believed his promises because he was so convincing. The pressure he put on me to reconcile was enormous.
In summary: The danger of leaving seemed greater than the danger of staying. – It was easier living with abuse than finding a way through the maze of safety. – The cost of resisting his demands appeared more damaging than the costs of capitulating to his demands.
(USA) It’s sad when someone is killed by their spouse, I do see that. However, given that 75% or more of divorces that happen are not due to one or both spouses having biblical grounds, I do believe you are overselling the number of folks who are killed by their spouses.
After all, if every three out of every four divorces is one that shouldn’t have happened based on biblical grounds, if what you are saying is true, that for every divorce that shouldn’t have happened, one should have happened, then we’d see 1/4 to 1/3 of everyone we know killed at the hands of an abusive spouse. That’s not the case.
So while it’s sad, please don’t oversell the nature of the problem. The vast majority of divorces that happen shouldn’t happen, with that I agree. However, abuse doesn’t come close to impacting the same number of marriages. Sure, a lot of abuse happens. However, when one takes out the abuse that happens in relationships other than marriages, it’s pretty clear that abuse is present in a minority of marriages. That doesn’t make it right.
Over selling the issue is one way to ensure folks will not take you seriously. Given that I’ve not seen 1/4 to 1/3 of the number of folks I know who’ve divorced end up dead or beaten, I think you are way off the mark when you say for every divorce that shouldn’t have happened there is one that should misses the mark.
The real answer for how ever many the real number is is to find a way to both preserve the marriage and end the abuse. This is a pro-marriage website, not a site to find more cause for divorce.
(AUSTRALIA) Tony, sorry, I don’t mean physical life or death, although 42% of abused spouses have attempted suicide. There can be death of your sense of self, or death in the ability of abused children to be intimate when grown up, spiritual relationship, etc.
Yeah, I do agree with you that there should be a way to both preserve marriage and end abuse – that’s why most Christian women try so hard to stay, even when the damage done to themselves and their next generation is incalculable. It took God screaming in my ear for me to leave, but the reason why I didn’t leave at first is because the only confirmation to His voice came from non Christian sources, who were quite frustrated that it was my belief system (which was subsequently pointed out to me by a pastor to be distorted) that stopped me from leaving. My first pastor predicted that my marriage would only last 18 months, but I proved him wrong – it lasted 20 years. Needless to say, my unbelieving family members are not only furious that they couldn’t do anything, they are also now wrongly blaming the church and refuse to have anything to do with a “religion” that has such “illogical” beliefs. I have to find a way to tell them that sometimes we have presumptions that we attribute to God and that the church is not perfect.
Strangely, even now, my uninformed Christian friends are still trying to have me sit down for a coffee with him while secular organisations are refusing to do even shuttle mediation (ie, in separate rooms) because of the violence (and I have made it clear that is not physical). In fact, I have been warned that I will be reported if I continue to allow the children to see him. And that I would have been charged by police if I had listened to my husband and my pastor and not reported his actions. How strange, listen to one authority and get into trouble with the other!
I think some of the problem stems from the fact that surveys of ministers consistently show that they underestimate the problem in their congregation – I found this in some of the links quoted on these pages. They normally estimate that 6% – 10% of their women (I’m sorry, the question didn’t ask about men) have experienced domestic abuse, while the research shows that 25%-33% of women, including those in churches, have experienced abuse in their marriage. There are many that I know of in my own church who would not be classified by the eldership as being in domestic abuse – but if they went by the information provided on this site, they are.
Even worse, in some countries, that figure is as high as 40%. That’s a lot of oppressed people waiting to be set free. Sad, isn’t it?
(USA) In my 26 year marriage, I knew there was something very wrong immediately. My husband didn’t communicate on a very basic level. We could go camping and he would say all of 3 sentences over a few days. Years would go by without hearing the words, “I love you.” If I would argue or try to discuss concerns, he would withdraw the only thing I really craved, communication. The authors write that women leave because they can. That is very true. Five raised children, one 6 yr old, and a college education later (that I completely funded), I am leaving because he won’t talk. I begged. It destroyed me to be ignored completely.
Men complain that their wives nagged. Yes, that is what my husband used to say when I asked him to talk. He called me too sensitive. I told him, “You are killing me emotionally.” Friends and family noted how disengaged he was to me. He would spend his evenings and weekend watching tv. I worked harder than he ever worked but my homeschooling time, cooking, cleaning and raising children were not considered of the same monetary value as holding a job. Finally I held a job too and did those things and found that I could leave.
When I told him I was leaving, his first response was “what about me? I need you.” Men are aghast that their wives would cheat as though that is the worse sin or marriage vow broken. No, my marriage vows were broken when my husband refused (I use this word intentionally) to cherish and love me. I stayed for over 26 years to my own detriment so my children could live in a complete household. When I announced I was leaving, all of my children agreed it needed to happen. Men better not hide under biblical verses because they are told to love their wives. Without that, even the most godly woman can wither or wander.
(USA) I have been with my husband for over 25 years. I have given up on trying to feel special and wanted by him. He is just not romantic. He has a good job, he never fights, he is not verbally abusive. My issue is that I have to just be “around”. I also have a full-time job. I work well over 40 hours a week. I addition when I am home I am the cook, the person that cleans the toilets, that does the dishes, takes care of the kids needs. He is living so much in his own world and only has interest in his own interests.
Of course by everyone he is a good husband, and bringing in a paycheck, and putting your body in the house where it can be found might be considered a good deal to a woman, but feeling neglected every day feels like self-sacrifice.
When I hear some of the bad relationship stories I feel that I should take what I have and be grateful, but all I have is a paycheck next to my paycheck. We have sex, when he wants sex, and never how I want it. We never have a conversation, and when I try to have a conversation, and I ask him to say something back, he never even heard a word I said.
If I go grocery shopping by myself, and I arrive at the house, he will never offer to help get the groceries out of the car. However, when a piece of furniture has to be lifted he will call on me to help out, and lift as a man.
When I mention this need to feel special, he never answers, and never tries. He is as he is, and I have to take him as is. He is not capable of understanding women’s feelings. I never get flowers, birthday cards, or gifts from him. I bought all of that myself. And now to get into the material side of me, I wanted a diamond ring. He said that you cannot watch TV on that, and he just never spent time nor money to get me a ring. The rings I wear, the ones that other people that know me think are wedding/engagement/anniversary rings are things I bought for myself, after I never received any from him.
However, he loves to buy. Computers, games, tv’s, cameras, electronics. He will research those for hours, and get the best he can afford.
I should be satisfied, because we both have good jobs, and great kids, but I feel lonely and neglected, and mention it very often to him. He just does not have the ability to try something else. I feel manhandled, more like a male-roommate, needed to assist when he needs a laborer. I do not feel special, and I think that I need to get out. I do not have an affair, I just need to find more than emotional nothing. Lost.
(USA) Oh, my gosh! I do not know if you are still using this site Ellie, however, I am experiencing the very same thing with my husband. I just found this site and posted my comments today. I can so relate to you and feel all the pain in your heart because it is in mine also.
My husband does not buy gifts either, claiming how he hates to shop and I am so very difficult to shop for. Therefore, his contention is if you want something buy it, but then complains about the money spent. We are living the same life. I would like to know how it turned out for you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think that all woman have felt neglected at some point in their marriage. Has anyone ever considered that your happiness and love shouldn’t completely and utterly come from your spouse? It’s hard for woman because all we know and were taught was how to give and give and never complain, while men were not taught the same.
I’ve read through all the comments and I thought, has none of the woman ever considered taking responsibility for their own happiness and self love? Your self worth is not dependant on your husband. How about taking time out for yourself. Tell your husband that you would like to have a day out for yourself and will he look after the kids (if you have any)? Read a book to empower yourself, go out with friends, take a night class, join a Bible study group. Get love from your friends and love yourself. There are a 100 things you can do to focus on yourself and make yourself happy.
Expecting your husband to make you happy & to appreciate you 24/7 is unrealistic and unhealthy. You need to have your own life separate from your family life and the one you have with your husband. Unfortunately most woman don’t do that and then blame their husbands because their husbands still continue with their lives following their hobbies etc. Then resentment creeps in. However their are extreme cases and I don’t take that lightly. Their has to be a balance.
(AUSTRALIA) This has been interesting to read and I seem to be a bit different from the other wives. I am the one who has probably neglected my husband. I have zero interest in him physically as he has always been very overweight, so I have not wanted to have sex with him for a very long time.
I have found myself attracted to another man, tall and athletic, for over four years now and started an affair with him almost twelve months ago. I told my husband that I want to leave him for this man but have not told him about the affair. We are going to counselling and I know I probably should make an effort to recognize his good points as he has been extremely supportive of me through years of study and work. We still get on well, we only started arguing for the first time in 26 years of being together, when I told him I want to leave. But I just can’t get past the physical side. The other guy is also great, we have things and activities we do together, similar views and so on and have a great time together. I am also concerned about what it will do to our children. Comments?
(USA) Actually, you sound like a pretty typical woman. You see, 2/3’s to 3/4’s of all marriages in the US are ended by the wife, not the husband. Only about 6% of those are due to the husband’s marital misconduct. So you are right on track with the rest of the world.
So do you want to follow God’s plan, or just go along with the way of the world?
(USA) While I know there are something like 35-40 percent females as primary breadwinners, which does appear to negatively affect marriage, there may another area yet to be examined.
I may be asking a rather complex question. Could the trend in women taking over many areas of society and also now, more prominently used in the media to display this power change, be somehow seeping into society in general? I am wondering if men are now feeling more micro and even more substantial abrasions, not just from the media but also now from stores, employment, and places.
I am thinking these abrasions may be accumulating in the minds of men who may also be taking out their accumulated suffering upon their wives. I would like to know if there is some research going on to discover more about how this societal use of power for women outside the home and in the media may be negatively affecting stability of the marriage.
(AUST) I have read some Christian literature and research on it, but I don’t want to post the links here, because I don’t want trolls to visit them. Personally, the only men I know who are highly agitated by women in society are those who don’t like women having freedom to be themselves rather than subdued, just like those who don’t like to see kids playing in the playground or being vocal is those who don’t believe children have a right to be heard. They prefer them to be docile, controllable and invisible.
But I will quote something here. Men’s Fraternity founder Robert Lewis gives a brief history lesson to his male listeners on his take on the breakdown of the family. He suggests that the initial breakdown in the family was actually the transition of men working outside the home at the onset of the industrial revolution. His next stop on the breakdown train was world war II – not because women took over for traditional “men’s work” because the men were off at war but because the men upon returning from war were “hardened” (understandably) and became emotionally distant from their wives and children. He does identify “radical” feminism as a contributor to the breakdown of marriages but in no way does he believe that it was the movement of women into the work force, per se, that was feminism’s blow. Instead, he suggests that it was the mocking of the necessity of men that was present in some feminist rhetoric that did the damage.