Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men. But in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why spouses leave marriage on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive. But hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion —particularly in the comment section below this message.
Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple —it’s because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it appears easier to divorce in today’s world.
So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms. It will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.
Why Wives Leave Marriage
If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:
- “She feels lonely and abandoned.”
- “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something.” (And we all know what the “something” is.)
- “He’s having an affair either emotionally—viewing pornography or physically having an affair.
- “She feels disconnected. She feels that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters.”
- “He seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her.”
And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.
Why Husbands Leave Marriage
Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare. This is followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious. I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.
As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things. First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:
- Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line.
- Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair.
- Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems. It can include child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.
Why Spouses Leave Marriage
We hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”). And we hear from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are ready to walk out or have already left. That is we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley. He wrote a helpful article titled, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares. So pray, glean, and see what speaks to you about your situation (whether you are the husband or the wife).
Here is a portion of what Dr Harley writes:
“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them —let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts. And when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
Feeling Neglected
“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.
“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”
Dr Harley continues:
“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, ‘He ignores me except when he wants sex. He sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. Plus, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.’ Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To learn more solutions Dr Harley gives, please read “Why Women Leave Men.”)
Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with without really realizing the effort it will take to make their marriage into a good one. Plus, their expectations are too high. This sets them up later for big problems as illustrated above.
Trashing and Cleaning Up Marriage
It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage—to get it to the place where it is messed up, needing a clean up. But when the marriage appears to be too much of a “mess” to clean up, that’s when spouses are tempted to just leave marriage. It appears to be too overwhelming.
In our 45+ years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley and Sue Boulin described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me. And sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs. I did not realize how important they were to her.
To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, How can we change this pattern so we don’t look at divorce as an option? I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen. It’s written in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:
“You can do two things that most people cannot resist. You can love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”
Think and pray about this. We have a lot of articles posted on this web site that can build upon this concept. Plus, we have articles that can help you to “clean up” the trashy attitudes and actions that spouses can fall into. Here are two of them:
• The Practice of Self Sacrifice
• Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen
The effort it will take to clean up a trashy marriage goes with the scriptures:
“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. Rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.“ (Galatians 5:13-15)
And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you need help, make improving your marriage your mission. Look around our web site to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.
We encourage you to go into the Romantic Ideas topic. Please read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” Applying some of these tips could help you to love and serve your spouse as God intends.
Steve and Cindy Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(USA) I separated from my wife about 2 years ago, but till now I still have feelings for her. She was the one who called off the relationship because of money or being a gold digger. It is all stupid of her thinking in a negative way –not real love.
I always care for her when she has a problem like being sick, needs help on things, and other stuff that needs to be taken care off. I am 110% committed on the family assignments; but somehow there’s things she wasn’t satisfied with. Perhaps it is the money issues, unfortunately I am not a wealthy person to make her more satisfied. But I tried my best and put all my effort in, just to make it.
On the other hand, she should be happy and satisfied for the fact that she operates her own salon business, which I had helped her establish in the beginning till now, which is more successful after 4 years. What more does she want from me? It is a hassle and pain when dealing with this problem now.
I tried more than 20 times to have settlements or compromises on the problem but it ain’t going no where; she always gives me those rejections and this is the end of the relationship. I felt I was cheated by her not being open-minded to discuss the troublesome matters we’ve been having for the past 2 years.
I’ve always wanted to get back with her. No matter what I’ve got to do; I LOVE her very much, but she is not responding in a positive way. She is being stubborn or not understanding about things; she just shut off the door like that and I cannot never return again. Anyone! What can I do about this problem after 2 years?
(USA) I have been reading some of the replies here and want to share my situation. I am a 63 year old Christian woman, in my 2nd marriage for 30 years now. It is sad to say that after all these years, I want to get out and experience life on my own. I am tired of being tied to someone else and conforming to their lives. That sounds harsh, I know, especially for a Christian woman.
I was too young when I married the first time, did not show good judgment in getting married at all. He was an alcoholic, abusive, controlling non-Christian and our marriage lasted 13 years. My spirit was broken after this marriage and I started a new life in a different city, finding a group of Christian women to share a house with. Then I met my 2nd husband, who is a great guy in so many ways. He is a Christian and we attend a Bible Church together. He is well respected by others, but in the background, at home, he offers me subtle putdowns, such as telling me that my face isn’t pleasant to look at, which he has said repeatedly, like my appearance somehow offends him. He rarely compliments me on my appearance, I used to ask if I looked okay, but stopped, because it didn’t seem right to have to beg for his opinion. I had major surgery, he left me at the hospital to face the surgery alone and never visited me during recovery, saying that he hated hospitals, they made him sick. When He brought me home after surgery, he left me on the couch and went to work. I could hardly move! I felt then and now, that I get very little support from him.
We are not intimate in the usual manner, having had problems in that area for well over 20 years, but I told myself it didn’t matter. He does not touch me intimately, but expects me to touch him, getting angry if I don’t. He told me if I didn’t like it, I could sleep in another room and he would take care of his needs. Three years ago, he told me we should divorce, but recanted that soon after. It seemed like he wanted to shake me up so I would comply more with what he wanted me to do.
The point of my post is that I have never had a point in my life where I lived totally on my own and the thought of being able to conduct my life as an independent person really appeals to me. There is so much in life I would like to experience and when I mention it to my husband, he only says why do you want to do that, or he isn’t interested in sharing that experience with me. We are two people sharing the same house, looking like a perfect marriage to any one we are with, but in truth, he would rather watch sports or play online games than talk to me. I try very hard to take an interest in his activities, golf, music, fishing. I try to keep up with learning about these things so we can have something to talk about. It’s just that he isn’t interested in what I do. I can watch his eyes literally glaze over when I try to talk about something I am interested in doing. It’s like he can’t wait for me to finish talking.
Last weekend, I told him I wanted a separation and he looked shocked. See, life is good for him, I do everything around the house, cook, pay bills, the typical Prov. 31 woman. The problem is he doesn’t notice. After he is done eating dinner he gets up and leaves me at the table, no reason to stay there. Anyway, after talking about separation, he said he was sorry he was less than attentive and asked if I would try a little longer. He was more attentive for about three days, trying to converse more, more hugs, but little by little it is slipping back to the old routine. I can’t comprehend living out my life like this, just being someone in the house. It seems so very appealing to to live alone, after all, I am virtually living alone now. I am actually glad when he is out playing golf, because it’s painful to feel alone, because your spouse, who is supposed to want to be with you, finds more enjoyment in other things.
I know the Biblical references to marriage and consider them skewed toward the husband. So, what does a wife who cannot stand to be in the marriage do? I have spoken with our Pastor’s wife and she says I have to understand that men are under a lot of pressure (we are both retired, so it is not work pressure) and I need to be more supportive and show him more love. Her contention is that if I show him love and patience, he will show some back. I am waiting for that to happen, it hasn’t yet. Advice?
(USA) My estranged husband and I were high school sweethearts. After high school, I chose to go to college and pursue my career while he decided that school “wasn’t for him” and stayed home and worked various odd jobs. I ended up pregnant my junior year in college and dropped out for a couple of years. During that time, I came home and stayed with my husband and his mother.
I admit that my husband wasn’t “setting the world on fire” but I really loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. To my surprise, I found out that he was cheating on me. He also abused me emotionally and verbally. I actually left him after my son was born. During that time, I enrolled back and school and continued to get my life on track. He never wanted to commit until I was almost finished with school and he noticed other guys beginning to take an interest in me. I wanted to have my son’s father in my child’s life so I took him back and we got married, bought a house and did the whole nine yards.
We eventually had 2 additional children as well. I was the bread winner for I got a very good job when I graduated from college. During our marriage, I provided 80% of the income while my husband refused to get serious with his job for he needed time for his basketball officiating hobby. I also cooked when I could, communicated 95% of time with my children’s school, cleaned the house or hired someone to do it, etc. I felt like I had to be this superwoman. This got old and I found that I was often depressed, tired, and moody. My husband would hang out with the boys quite often and act like he had no responsibility around the house. Everything was on me.
I admit that I did a lot of nagging during those earlier years but I eventually checked out. I started going back to church and realized just how dysfunctional my marriage was and wanted to leave after my second child but I was persuaded to stay by members of my church. That was year 5 of my marriage. At that point, I threw myself into my kids, work, and God. I stopped complaining. I started focusing on the positive traits in my husband and started praying to God for my marriage. It helped some but the connection was never there. My husband would ignore me emotionally and never felt compelled to work on our marriage. I also noticed that he was very self-centered and only cared about his own needs. He also never cared about my well being. I would sometime leave the house at midnight to go to the Super Walmart and he would yell behind me to pick him up some beer.
He had multiple affairs during our marriage. I later found out that most of these affairs occured during the most vulnerable time in my life like when I was pregnant or sick. My husband wasn’t a provider, protector, or a teacher. He was just there. For a while, I accepted that this was my lot in my life but resentment would rear its ugly head. I started asking my husband to go to counseling with me over a two year period but he refused. I went on my own but warned my husband that this will come back to bite us in the butt. Well, in the 17th year of my marriage, I had an affair and I took to that affair like a starving person would to food. This man gave me everything that my husband refused. My husband found out about the affair shortly after it started and I tried to stop but I have to admit it was next to impossible. He has tried to have physical altercations with both this man and myself. He told anyone that would listen that I was having an affair, including our kids. I pointed out to him that he has had affairs of his own but he feels that his affairs weren’t as bad as mine for it was just sex and my affair was emotional.
I am not proud of this but I eventually just wanted to walk away from my marriage. I know that I did not handle the situation correctly and I am sorry for that but I do not feel this marriage is good for either of us. I believe that if a man is really into a woman that he will treat her good. If something is valuable to you, you treat it with care. I do not believe that my husband ever really loved me like that and I feel that I would rather be by myself than to settle for a marriage where we’re only together out of obligation.
Now, my husband is trying to milk everything he can out of the divorce. He is asking for alimony and for me to pay for his attorney fees. I have lost all respect for him at this point. He doesn’t care how his greed will impact his kids or anything for the amount of alimony he is seeking may hinder me keeping our underwater house and my kids have made it clear that they would like to stay in the house. He can care less. All he cares about is getting back at me.
I don’t want anything from him. I don’t even want child support. So many of the men that are women bashing on this site need to see that there are some women out here that have given their all to their mates. I am completely drained now. I do not have anymore to give.
End note… I am still seeing the other man. I do struggle with this but he is so good to me and my kids. My husband barely supports us and he only see his daughters when it is convenient for him. My oldest daughter just had a birthday and my estranged husband did nothing for her. The other guy that I am seeing brought her gifts and put together a little intimate party for her. I did not have any money for I am still paying all of the bills including the car insurance on the car that my estranged husband drives. My husband is also on my health insurance which cost me close to $200 per month. And I am paying an attorney several hundred dollars a month.
I know many will judge me on this sight but I know now that my husband isn’t worthy of having the blessing of a wife. I may have broken the marriage vow by leaving my husband for another man but I believe that my husband broke it first by not providing, protecting, or being a leader in our marriage. Plus, he cheated several times. I know 2 wrongs don’t make a right. But I just needed to get out of that relationship.
(AUSTRALIA) I am a man suffering in marriage and have spoken to many who are suffering within or have left a broken marriage. It almost always comes down to contempt. This is not, in my experience, some ‘other’ reason, but the pith of the problem for most men.
It is sheer laziness to suggest that men leave marriage for reasons nobody understands. I believe it is shame more than anything else that lead men to suggest they don’t know why they leave marriage.
Statistics tell us that women initiate affairs more often that men…that children suffer violence and abuse at the hands of women more often than from men. But nobody seems motivated to consider the violence that is metered out on men by their wives.
Of course it is less spectacular violence than that of a wife beater. The tools of an abusive wife is unrelenting psychological emasculation and contempt. And the effects of such abuse over a decade can be devastating. It is a slow and painful rot.
The irony is that this same witheringly abusive wife will complain to anyone who has an ear how inattentive and distant her husband has become, while the husband wouldn’t know where to begin to tell how he became so lifeless.
Do I sound hurt and angry? Of course. When analysts look at marital problems in a one-sided manner like this they further humiliate and disenfranchise half of the victims of broken marriages. Women are not more virtuous than men – they just do violence differently, and it is a horrible thing. Please don’t pick sides. There is more than enough pain to go around.
(U.S.A) A simple observation while reading the comments on this thread. This observation still confirms that “Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus.” The men are still equating love with the “physical” and “material things” while the woman are telling the men this is not what thay want. The woman are complaing about not recieving emotional support. Many said they just want a hug.
To the men out there when we say we want a “hug” that is just what we want, a “hug” (emotional support). I came to realize with my ex that when I said this he heard something else. He had no problem giving the hug but that meant sex would happen immediatly in response (physical action). I just wanted a hug!!! He in return had no problem giving me “hugs.” Well of course, I came to resent the “hugs” because this was not what I was asking for the emotional support was taken away.
Anyway, to the men I ask this question, what did you do for the woman to get her to give you sex which in man language means love? You told her you loved her cooking, she is pretty, the most amazing woman in the world, you think about her all the time, she is smart, etc… This filled her “emotional needs” so we were more than happy to provide the “physical” needs of the man in her life. When the emotional stops, the physical (sex) stops and there starts the downward spiral of resentment on both sides. This discussion has been very eye opening to me from the male perspective, thank you.
(USA) Sometimes the cycle starts the other way. The sex stops, or in some cases never really starts. The woman told the man that she desired him and she looked forward to the wedding day. But when that day came, she didn’t deliver on her promise. Then she wonders why he feels it’s pointless to keep telling her how much he loves her. He’s already been down that road, and she didn’t deliver on her promise.
Then, she walks out, blaming him for not meeting her needs, but she’s never really been willing to treat his needs as legitimate, even after years of courtship where her needs were met and his were dismissed.
Dismissing the needs of your spouse is not a gender trait. Both men and women are equally willing and able to do this. I think in many cases, the spouse walking out is just taking her dismissal of her husband’s needs to the next level. She is very vocal about him not meeting her needs, but the silence is deafening with respect to her failure to meet her husband’s needs.
The folks walking out are looking at the wrong person. Your vows are not about what the other person will do, you vow what you will do. If you walk out, how are you keeping that vow? You are not when you walk out on a spouse who is not engaged in marital misconduct.
(USA) Tony, my heart goes out to you! Maybe in some way I can explain the female mind here. Sex is very scary to a lady who believes the hype in a romance book. Then when the time comes to give yourself to a man the sex just isn’t what you thought it would be.
It is not that she led you on, it is once intimacy happened, “it” was not happening for her. Books, movies, TV make it all sound so easy and wonderful; it is not for a woman. We want to give pleasure but when nothing is “happening” for her she wonders what is wrong with her. She feels broken and then she has to fake “it” because she does not want to hurt, or disappoint her partner.
How would you feel if “it” only happened for you 1 out of 10 times, if ever? Then a man wants intimacy several times a week, this puts quite a heavy burden on her shoulders which starts to build resentment and anger at herself and toward her partner. It is sad that something so beautiful between a man and wife can also torture a relationship.
(UNITED STATES) My wife and I have been for 12 years. We celebrated my 43rd Birthday on September 19th 2011. We had a great time together and the next day she left over a bad argument. We had bad arguments in the past and she would leave for a few days and comeback. I am confused and am trying to make sense of what happened. I believe she will come back once she has time to calm down.
She changed her facebook status from was married to it’s complicated. We talk and I told her about our business being made public. We agreed to see a Marriage Counselor. What am I to do? She mentioned of wanting to go to Counseling to figure reasons of conflict arguing.
When your wife agrees to go to see a Marriage Counselor with you, should you, as a husband, remain calm work slowly and repairing the marriage. I love my wife and kids. I miss them very dearly and would give anything to save my family. Please advise. -Helpless husband.
(USA) Hi Brien, I don’t know the dynamics of your marriage, except to say that from what you write, your relationship is definitely in crisis. If your wife changed her facebook status to “complicated” –that most likely means that she’s tipping over the edge of going onto a road called, “no return.” I’m not saying she’s there, and I’m not saying she’s innocent on this road. It could be more her than you or visa versa, or both. But just the fact that your arguments end up where she leaves for a few days, says that your conflicts are not being resolved in healthy ways.
Sometimes it’s necessary to each go into different rooms to cool off for a bit before revisiting disagreements, but actually leaving the house (especially in a repeat pattern) can be destructive. Eventually, it’s going to be more and more tempting to leave and either not come back for a long, long time, and then it will be that she never comes back. That’s what I’m afraid for you. Don’t be confident in thinking she’ll come back as she has before. She might, but don’t be confident that things won’t escalate again as time goes on, where things get this bad or worse again. This may just be “one more chance” or one of a very few, which will lead to the splitting up of the marriage.
Something has to change here. A temporary bandage – a temporary “promise” to work on things that disturb the both of you will not fix things in the long run. It just hides the issue until it arises again, just like a hidden infection. Sooner or later, the infection will either demand a rooting out, or an amputation (divorce). Tragically, that’s just the way it is. I wish it wasn’t, but it is.
I don’t know how serious the issues are between you and your wife, where she feels she needs to leave for a days on end. It may be a skill-building thing where a marriage coach can help, or something more serious where a counselor who is MARRIAGE FRIENDLY, is your best option. Marriage friendly… I can’t emphasize that enough. Not all counselors are marriage friendly. Many can actually hurt the marriage more than they help it. They don’t mean to and at first they don’t appear to, but given the opportunity and time, they WILL contribute to the unhealthiness, rather than the healing. Please, read the articles we have posted in the “Marriage Counseling” topic, for further clarification, and find a marriage friendly counselor (the articles will give you pointers on finding one, and if you don’t know one, go into the “links” part of that topic to find some recommendations– hopefully there, you’ll find what you need).
I’ve seen over and over and over again where one spouse eventually gives up trying to “fix” the marriage. And no matter what the other spouse does, they won’t budge an inch to try any longer. I’m not saying it’s right; I’m saying that’s what happens. And the other spouse is often caught completely off-guard. He or she will say, “I knew we had problems, but not that bad” or, “I didn’t think our problems were beyond repair, or trying one more time” or, “I had no idea… it seemed that things were working and then BAM!!! It’s over!” What actually happened was it was working for the one spouse, but not the other.
Often, a communication infection was festering for a long time in the spouse who calls it quits. It was either out in the open –with that spouse pleading for help to fix it, or it was underground –festering like a slow cancer, eating away at the spouse’s resolve to care any longer. I’m not saying this underground type of festering was right — for the quitting spouse to allow it to silently fester, but that’s what happened. And then sometimes, a spouse actually just up and leaves because she or he just decides to and some type of lame excuse is given as to why he or she left (that’s just blatant selfism at work, also called sin).
I sure don’t want to see your marriage get to that place, nor do I want your wife get to the place of slamming her mind shut to reconciling. Brien, if your wife agrees to go to a marriage counselor with you, do all you can to make sure that happens where BOTH of you get the help you need. Obviously, you haven’t been able to fix this rift between you by yourselves. Be selective in the counseling or the coaching you reach out for, though. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 1 year, 12 years, or 50 years, if something is broken, fix it. Humble yourself, find out what YOUR issues are, and work on them. Allow the counselor to do his or her work to help your spouse work on her issues. And learn what you both need to do to be able to resolve your conflicts with each other in healthy ways. Steve and I had to do that. Most everyone I know who has a healthy, happy marriage has put intentionality into learning these skills. We’ve got a lot of tools posted on our web site — both simple ones and more complicated ones, to help you, as well.
I pray the best for you Brien. Please, please, please don’t ignore what just happened in your marriage. Even if your wife comes back, have the courage to step up and be intentional in learning how to resolve your conflicts (we all have them) in ways that build relationship bridges, rather than walls. You will be happier, your wife will be happier and your children will be so much happier and more secure, plus they’ll learn how to resolve conflicts in healthier ways, as well. I pray blessings on you and your wife and your children.
(USA) Again, blame men or men are stupid and do not know why they want leave a bad marriage… IS THE AUTHOR OF THIS JOKING???
Most men get sick and tired of their wives who are almost always spoiled rotten. They do not want to work… they do not want to “take care of their man” (you know what I mean… they negotiate sex (where, when, why, how, etc.)… and they expect all their needs to be met. The press is insane with their constant “men are bad, women are good” story lines. Bottom line, most women I know agree that women are far more sinister than men. They are insecure and this leads to all sorts of relationship problems after marriage. Men are stupid in that they do not see these things early on.
When a women negotiates sex, the relationship changes and they hate the changes… but, they initiated them and hate to deal with the changes and accept no responsibility.
Basically, men want to provide for their families, feel appreciated, have some fun adult play with their wives a couple of times per week and live hapily ever after. I do not have enough space to tell you what women want. Get the picture. These ladies are never happy.
(GUATEMALA) I don’t know why most marriage websites stand on the argument that women leave marriage because they were neglected by their husband. I believe marriage responsibility is shared on 50% for each spouse. Nowadays it is a recurrent story that good husbands are betrayed by good wives and vise versa. There is no justification for infidelity. I think its damage is as same as verbal or physical abuse. Cheating spouses are using this to justify their infidelity.
One day my wife woke up in the morning and suddenly told my that she doesn’t love me anymore after 17 years marriage. She was dry inside and that everything was my fault. She doesn’t wants to go to therapy or save our marriage. I asked her if there was another man and she denies it many times until I found some e-mails with a former boyfriend who lives in the United States. This e-mails was very romantic and passionate. When I confronted her I asked why she wrote loving and tender e-mails to this man and she never, I mean never, wrote me a letter, a birthday card or a peace of paper with such tender words. Her response was “he makes me do it”. She said this was an emotional affair and doesn’t mean anything and that we benefit from this because we have good sex while she was thinking of him.
I told her that I forgive her infidelity and we should try to save our 17 years old marriage, our family and our two kids. She refused. I asked her if there was someone else and she denies it again. A couple of weeks later I received an e-mail with a photo of her and a coworker naked and very happy. I confronted her and she told me again that she did this because I was neglecting her and it was all my fault. She was mad because I found out her affair more than the pain and damage that she made to her family.
I struggle with all this pain and try to save the marriage by forgiving her. I didn’t send her out of the house and gave her a chance to stay and save our marriage. But what I received was more pain and misery. She told me that this man wasn’t for her because he doesn’t want any commitment because he is 5 years younger than her. She told me that she will stop see him. After a month of trying to cope with her feelings and her confusion one day when I was at work my daugther listened to her while she was talking on computer with this man. My teenage son and daugther asked me about it, besides they were suspecting about the affair. I told them that they have to asked her, which was happened. She accepted the infidelity with no remorse and with a smile on her face. My kids where crying.
When I talked to her again she showed me a six page list of all the bad things that I did to her but there was not a list of her bad things, besides there wasn’t a good husband list. I don’t pretend to be a victim in this story. I did my retroperspective analysis and I found that I created an emotional bubble from her. I had started to exercise more, stayed longer at the job and tried to be away from her because it was unbearable, with her constant criticisms and blaming whatever I do. Everything was my fault, including the things she screwed up, was my fault because I made her those do those mistakes. This was constantly.
She is a good mother and a good woman taking bad decisions. Last week I found out that she is still seeing her lover and they were planning to be living together next year. But after this happened she will stay at home close to her children, in our house, eating our food.
She constantly says that she doesn’t know what she wants. Hello, 17 years marriage, two kids, family plans and a good husband are not enough to make her mind clear. It’s sad. Since that day I understood I wasn’t responsible for her infidelity and that she has to leave home. She never apologized or even regretted or cried about all the damage she made. She’s still keeps blaming me about her infidelity. What is wrong with women?
Stop blaming men about neglecting you. This is a two way communication. If you don’t tell your husband what you need he can’t read your mind. Comparing dates I found out that that our relationship seemed fine during her online infidelity and seemed fine in the first stages of her second infidelity. She never told me I need this or that. We have a good sex life, I told her I loved her often, I bring home food and paid the rent. I also take her breakfast in bed, cooked for her, helped her to find a job. Even with my best efforts she always criticized me. So why do women say that all was their husband’s fault? From the door to inside the the house I have responsibility but no, I don’t have any responsibility for her infidelity. I don’t blame myself anymore.
(UNITED STATES) I am very sorry for all the hurt people. I will tell you the reason I left. I could no longer take his physical abuse. It hurt every time he pushed me, threw things at me broke things over my head, pick me up off the ground by my hair, only because he was upset about me asking a question. He said that I was nagging, spoiled, and selfish (I work a full time job and help pay the bills). I cannot live with some one who is constantly threatening and hurting me to punish me or tell me that I am triggering his PTSD from the war. No affairs on my part, he’s into internet sex and that’s cheating to me. When I look at my situation what a fool I have been to stick around.
(GUATEMALA) I’m sorry about your situation. I agree with someone living in a marriage with physical or even mental abuse. What I don’t understand, which is my case, I respect, took care of, loved and provided with security my wife and she left with another guy. She left a 17 year marriage, two kids and a family for a guy that she met just three months ago. Does that make sense?
(USA) It is strange to read this article and then all of these posts and reflect upon my life in relation to them. I am divorced and remarried. My first husband I loved more than life itself. We had a long and fun courtship, and were both very involved in church related activities. We had the wedding of my dreams. I could have not been more happy. He became extremely ill shortly after we married. I saved his life. We had a child in year 3. He became addicted to prescription drugs, became hostile toward my family forbidding me to visit them, and became physically abusive. We went to counseling. He blamed me for the abuse. I finally filed for divorce thinking that it would be my fault if my child grew up thinking a man should treat a woman the way my husband was treating me and because he had threatened to kill me and had attempted suicide multiple times. I did so even though I still felt “love” for him and I still look back at much of our relationship with great fondness.
I felt much guilt for filing for the divorce until I discovered he cheated on me and that realization allowed me to let go of the guilt I felt toward ending my marriage. I then became bitter for quite some time when I thought about him cheating on me after I nursed him back from death. I had dismissed much of his cruelty blaming it on his illness, but I could not dismiss his affair.
I am now newly remarried and while my current husband takes great care of the family, cooking, cleaning, making sure we are safe… I don’t feel “loved” the way I felt for very much of my first relationship. I am currently struggling with why that might be. I see that my 2nd husband does not use words of affirmation and I feel he is not concerned with things that are important to me. He is very jealous even though I am faithful and have no desire to be unfaithful. He is not passionate. But, he does not physically hurt me like my first husband did, and still I don’t “love” him nearly as much as I did my first husband.
So, while that observation does not really help me because I don’t think my husband would understand, I thought I would share with others looking for ways to relate to their spouse.
(USA) Ladies & Gentlemen, Im posting here to try and give you all some wisdom which I feel both genders need. Marriage is something I believe both men and women jump into MUCH too early. You MUST know who you are before you take this vow. Remember, a vow or oath is only as good as the person who makes it & because you make it under God’s eyes, He will NOT accept your justification or excuse for breaking it even though He will forgive you.
This comes down to integrity. You’re showing God you have no character & therefore you will NOT receive his blessings. Salvation is free but blessings have conditions & the mighty Lord will not bless you if you don’t meet those conditions. Marriage is ONLY for secure people both in mind and emotion because in that security of sound mind and emotion, powerful & Godly children will emerge from this. That fact alone SCARES our enemy, Satan. Do you think he wants you to have strong children? How difficult it will be for Satan to subdue the seed of the mighty to sin!
Both of you, men & women, MUST not allow yourselves to be pressured into taking the plunge for the sake of being part of the crowd or to appease family. The world has you both thinking you MUST be with someone and you’re bending to that pressure. No, it is not wrong to take as much time as needed to understand yourselves & build character and virtue. These things must come first.
To the Ladies here, I must say, I see a great deal of insecurity here. IF you need a man to boost your self-esteem, there is a problem. You are supposed to already know you’re beautiful, intelligent, strong, loyal and loving. When your husband reaffirms those things it’s icing on the cake, not the cake itself.
Fellas, what you need is PERCEPTION, the ability to see these problems coming so you can anticipate and prepare for them ahead of time before you’re hit w/ “Im leaving you & taking the kids”. Remember, fellas, even if you do everything right, you can’t relax. The moment you do is the moment an unforseen problem arises. Marriage requires maintenance. When you get a new car, it’s awesome, everything works and the performance is top-notch & you’re excited about it but w/o maitenence, it falls apart.
Ladies, in this modern world, you are bombarded with so many things via all the technology thats available & from that it just seems that you always want more. I will remind you of Lucifier… he became obsessed with “himself”, the “I” or “Me” complex and always wanted “MORE”. He could never be satisfied and gave God no choice but to expell him from Heaven along w/ those he seduced. Ladies, when you find yourself talking the “Me, Me, Me” complex that is the spirit of Satan speaking through you. Unforunately, he is using you against us these days. Do not think I am focusing on only you for Satan has hammered men as well but in a different way. Men have lost sight of the path of love and Satan’s goal is to keep men “wandering”.
God is your compass, fellas. Recalibrate if necessary, if you feel you’re off course & you cannot be afraid to admit that. Lastly, remember what Christ endured for the sake of mankind & this is how you repay Him? I shutter to think how many of you arrogantly think you have a place in the Kingdom. If I were any of you, I would not assume such, for my own safety. I leave you in peace.
(USA) My high school sweetheart of 13 years, 49 year old husband of 24 years, three children, 32 years, 22 years and 13 years. My husband ‘Carlos’ abandoned me and walked away from his job of 26 years. I thought he might have been stressed out from his job. We are both from a small town, where we both grew up together, went to high school together, everybody in the town knows he and I, everyone knows his family and my family. Most of his family migrated to the United States, most of my family still lives in the town.
‘Carlos’ been having an affair for about 7-9 years unbeknowing to me. He sent for the 30 year old girl from a neighboring town and brought her to the town and lived with her in the town where most of my family still resides. He was to be gone for a 2 week vacation and since has not been back- has not called me nor the children. When I was told about his affair from ‘other’ sources, I told him that I would rather hear about the affair from him personally. He denied it. He told me that he would not leave me for anybody, he would not quit his job, because he has given the best years of his life and he will not give that up– he love me and his children. He said that this is an authentic marriage and that I have put up with so much from him and been there when he did not have the things that he has accomplished today.
I told him if he want our marriage to be saved, we need to go to counseling. He denied everything to my pastor –all this while he was planning to leave. I love my husband, and I still do. However, the betrayal is so deep, and the disrespect of taking ‘her’ and bringing ‘her’ in the town where he and I grew up, where most of my family lives, rented a house and living with ‘her’ is so very, very disrespectful to me, our children and to my family. He really does not care. Even if he was planning on leaving, I did not think that he would do such antics, especially for the sake of the children.
He abandoned us in August. This is now December. I have filed for divorce, since he is in an overseas country, there are different jurisdictions, and he has not been served with divorce papers as yet. I am ready to move on with my life. I believe he knows that I would divorce him and has run away from paying child support and alimony. I have accepted the fact that he is living with ‘her.’
I don’t know if he is coming back or not -he has begged, borrowed and stolen from our home to provide for ‘her.’ He has stolen his grandson’s necklace, pawned it and told our daughter that her mother took it. He has stolen all the valuable jewelry and sold it to give money to ‘her.’ He would do anything to find money to give to her, even if he had to deprive his home.
We had planned on retiring and going back to our hometown. Everything that we have worked for over the years he has destroyed and torn down because of his adultery and infidelity– and enjoyed it with someone who never earned or knows how it was accomplished. I would call my husband honey, sweetheart, or just heart, dear- to me. He is black, so I call him blackberry, or just berry and I told him that I would like for him to call me a play name other than my real name. He never did.
However, he has called his mistress a play name –even calling the name in his sleep. I can now talk about this pain without crying anymore. I am taking care of myself, thank God. I am grateful to my son, my children, my family and the plenty of support that I have from my friends.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for over 20 years. We never had any problems until my wife went to work with 80 percent men and 20 percent women. The men at work flirt with her and give her a lot of attention. The woman have taught her to talk bad about me. We have always been very close until she got involved with a man at work. She said he can make anyone feel pretty.
Now they argue and fight a lot. I can tell she thinks about him all the time. He just got fired 2 months ago and my wife has been in deep depression since he is gone. She is throwing and breaking her cell phone once a month. She has never been mean before. I no longer do for her anymore, because i feel used. I have been a very good caregiver for 20 years. Her doctor said it’s a middle age crisis and put her on Cymbalta.
(USA) Women are not filing divorce because they are the ones who left. I speak to a lot of divorced women in my community. I only know one so far who made the decision to leave. In most cases, the husband left for a mistress and the wife filed for the divorce. The wife usually has to file for divorce in order to protect themselves financially. (Unfortunately, the courts are not the solution to that problem… but that should be a topic for another day.)
Who files for a divorce is not a great indicator of who leaves. In my opinion, if there was a survey done, it would be more men who make the decision to leave.
(USA) In you sample space, this may be true. But when all cases are looked at, only about 6% of all cases involve infidelity, abuse or addiction. The vast majority, and that’s over 90% of all cases do not involve any of these.
Furthermore, do you think someone who is leaving their husband or wife is going to be honest? How many are leaving and claiming their spouse was unfaithful or abusive, when in fact it may be them who are engaged in such actions.
I’m not saying the cases you know about are like this. What I’m saying is folks can say anything, either way. What we need is for an unbiased 3rd party to examine the facts surrounding any allegation, and decide accordingly. Today that doesn’t happen with no-fault-divorce. No facts are presented.
Finally, if you look at what Dr Harley has found, he, someone who deals with thousands of these cases, is telling us that the wife who leaves is not leaving an unfaithful, abusive or addicted husband.
So while I feel bad about those you know, keep in mind that what you’ve seen is not a representative sample space. Someone who works with thousands of these cases has observed a very different set of cases and it’s not because men are worse behaved than women.
(USA) My husband of 20 years walked out but I was the one to file for the divorce. I filed for divorce to freeze all assets and to stop him from quitting his job to go start a business with his married fiance. Best decision I ever made!!! Tony, the proof is in the pudding.
(USA) How come nobody mentions SIN (one sinning against the other and against God) as the cause of people leaving each other in a marriage? Except for the case of abuse (of which I suffered but stayed in it because it was the RIGHT thing to do for my children). A vow is a vow, people. This is not complicated and you don’t need a psychology degree to analyze SIN… Churches today are reprobate and don’t preach against SIN. Many innocent children’s tears will be held to account on those who failed to advise the one divorcing that “DIVORCE IS SIN and IS WRONG.”
(USA) In most cases it’s true. The one choosing to leave and divorce is choosing to sin. But that doesn’t fly with the “do what feels good” approach most churches take.
I’ve been beating the drum here about not blaming the victim, but it appears folks are adept at making excuses for the sinner, but failing to care for the victims.
I’m not talking about those who run the website, I’m talking about all those who seek to keep divorce on demand alive, citing edge cases such as abuse. I’m not minimizing the impact of abuse. But I do call into question the idea that the majority of divorces are due to a husband abusing a wife.
I’d like to see laws that hold abusers accountable AND laws that would hold folks to their vows, or require the one seeking to leave without grounds to give up rights to marital property and children, but not debt. But too many want to keep divorce on demand for the 6% of cases where abuse is present, but leaving a hole for the other 94% to bail out of the marriages and often take property and children away from the abandoned spouse.
Here on earth, we cannot prevent someone from leaving if she is hell-bent on leaving. But there is no reason why we have to take marital property and children from the abandoned husband just because his wife no longer likes being married to him.
The same is true if the genders are reversed, but the fact is that two to three times as many divorces are sought by women compared to men, so this is an issue that impacts fathers far harder than mothers. As it’s fathers and their children who are victims of an unwanted and unwarranted divorce.
I’d be in favor of divorce reform that in essence protects the innocent abandoned spouse when there is no marital misconduct on the part of the abandoned spouse. As I said, you can’t force someone to stay. But why give someone custody and marital property if she leaves her faithful and not abusive nor addicted husband?
Where do you think kids get the idea that marriage has little meaning? If we continue to reward those who abandon their vows with property and custody, what message do we send the children?
(UNITED STATES) Women leave their husbands, because many women have been abused by their husbands. Both men and women do cheat today as well, since many of them can’t seem to be committed to one another. Today it seems that many women leave their husbands to go with other women. That is very disgusting to me. What is sad is, many of them have children today, and it is always the children that get hurt.