How do you cope when your spou
se is unemployed? What is a spouse supposed to do—actually, both spouses?
As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage
)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners. It’s especially difficult when the challenges are overwhelming and are coming at you from all sides. This type of situation works over-time on your mind and how you interact as husband and wife.
Christina Woodside, knows what it’s like to be a wife whose husband loses a job.
She writes,
“I heard the garage door opening. It was only 5 o’clock. Don certainly was home early. Lately he had been working long days, much too long. ‘I sure hope they appreciate his hard work,’ I often thought. ‘He deserves to come home early one day. I’m so glad he’s finally doing it.’
“But as I glanced up from the sink full of dishes, one look at his face told me something was wrong. My smile faded and before I could say anything, he painfully murmured, ‘I got a pink slip today, along with 150 other people.’ The company had been hiding its financial problems until now. We were stunned. For a man, especially one in his early fifties with two kids in college, news like this can be devastating.”
She then goes on to write some tips for “Supporting Your Spouse Emotionally and Spiritually.” To learn more, click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:
• WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LOSES HIS JOB
Laurie Jackson voiced her journey with her husband’s unemployment this way.
She wrote:
“When my husband, Dennis, first began job hunting, I’d hold my breath as I waited for him to appear at the door, eager for a glimpse of his face to tell me if his day had been a success. But now, 15 months after he became a statistic —one of 300 laid off by his employer of six years —I can tell how his day’s gone simply by the way his feet hit the steps leading from the garage into the house. Today his footsteps are heavy, as though he’s carrying the weight of the world.
“All these months I’ve watched Dennis stuff hundreds of resumés into the mailbox and pound away at the computer keyboard, courageously sending hundreds more electronically. I’ve waved good-bye to him as he drives off early in the morning to face another day of approaching unapproachable receptionists at companies that ‘are not hiring.’ And I’ve greeted his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes upon his return after another unproductive afternoon.
Lowered Expectations
“I’ve seen Dennis lower his expectations, then lower them further. An electronics technician with a sterling work record and more than 20 years’ experience in his field, he first sought a comparable job. After a few months, Dennis expanded his search to include entry-level positions in his field, expecting that would do the trick. His wink and nod assured me we’d find a way to get by for a while on the lower salary. But after several weeks went by with no interviews, much less job offers, he began to respond to every job posting for which he was qualified —and, more often than not, overqualified.
“He then began to be turned away for jobs on a whole different level: gas station attendant, custodian, grocery clerk, and school crossing guard, to name a few. And while I was proud of his willingness to do whatever job it took to put food on the table, it was at that point I became afraid.
“My fear stemmed from all the unknowns: What if Dennis doesn’t find work soon? How long can we go without his income? What will happen to us when the unemployment insurance expires, or our savings runs dry? In the beginning, I was Dennis’ biggest cheerleader. But the more time goes by, the more discouraged, despondent, and bewildered Dennis becomes. And the more tired I get.”
To learn more, please read of Laurie Jackson’s journey concerning (plus the additional article, “A Woman’s Work” written by Holly Vicente Robaina). And then there’s another couple who survives job loss, which was written about in an article by Sherri Langton.
Concerning being unemployed and laid off, please read:
• LAID OFF
— ALSO —
Maybe you’ve even gotten to the place, as Laurie Jackson did. You’re so tired and each day drags onto the next, with no end in sight. Fear, anger, and a whole range of emotions have overtaken any optimism you could ever have.
Sarah Canney found herself in that place and writes the following:
“When my husband lost his job and his self-esteem, I had to learn a lesson in grace and patience.”
You can read about it in this linked article below:
Lori Fletcher, in the Familylifetoday.com article linked to below, discusses “Seven ways a wife can show her support.” As you, or your wife may know, this isn’t easy. Yet you want to do all you can so you don’t cause more problems. She writes:
“As the wife of a man who no longer has somewhere to go everyday, where do you start in showing your support?
To learn more about being unemployed, read:
• COPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB LOSS
Roberta Rand Caponey, gives her advice when:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse” to the test.”
You can learn from her experience in the Focus on the Family article linked below:
• COPING WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
Unfortunately, the testimonies and the advice within the linked articles above, come from the standpoint of the husband losing the job. The wife is the spouse who is trying to cope. Unfortunately, in doing my research on the Internet, these are the only types of articles I’ve been able to find. So I’ve given the information I can, accordingly.
I hope if you are the husband reading this article, trying to cope with your wife losing her job, you’ve been able to flip around the pronouns. Glean through the insights given. In your search for information, if what you find isn’t a custom-fit, ask the Holy Spirit to personalize and show HIS insights. Glean through what you are able to find.
You may even feel a tug to re-read that which is written above from that perspective. If so, allow the Holy Spirit to be your interpreter and your “Wonderful Counselor.”
Whatever you do, please be intentional in working on your marriage relationship, at least on your part. You may not be able to control what your spouse does or does, but do what the Lord would have you do. Love, as Christ loves you.
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” –Barbara Johnson
Some things that Paul Tripp wrote in his book, What Did You Expect? may give you different insights than you had thought of previously.
He wrote:
“God is in control not only of the locations in which you live, but also of the influences that have shaped you as a person. He has not only written the story of you and your spouse and determined that your stories would intersect, but he has controlled all the things that have made you different from one another.
“As you struggle, you must not view your marriage as bad luck, or poor planning, or as a mess that you made for yourself. God is right smack-dab in the middle of your struggle. He is not surprised by what you are facing today. He is up to something. [The question is, will you participate with Him in this, or fight against Him?]
“…God is working to rescue you from you, to deliver you from sin, and to form the character of Jesus in you. Marriage, the world’s most long-term and comprehensive relationship, is taking place in the middle of sanctification, the world’s most important unfinished process. Why would God do this? Hasn’t he gotten the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse? Well, the reason this doesn’t seem to make sense to us is that our purpose for marriage tends to be different from the Lord’s. We’re just not on God’s agenda page.
“Our desire is that our marriages would be the location of our comfort, ease, and enjoyment; we often have desires no bigger than this. But God’s purpose is that each of our marriages would be a tool for something that is way more miraculous and glorious than our tiny, little, self-focused definition of happiness. He has designed marriage to be one of his most effective and efficient tools of personal holiness. God has designed your marriage to change you.”
Paul Tripp also wrote:
“There are moments in our marriages when we’re crying out for grace, not recognizing that we’re getting it. We’re not getting the grace of relief or release, because that isn’t the grace we really need. No, what we’re getting is something we desperately need, the uncomfortable grace of personal growth and change. With the love of a Father, your Lord is prying open your hands so you’ll let go of that which rules your heart but will never satisfy you.
With the insight of a seasoned teacher, He is driving you to question your own wisdom so that you will let go of your understanding and rest in His. And with the skill of the world’s best counselor, God is showing you the delusions of your control so that you will take comfort in His rule. With the gentleness of a faithful friend He is facing you toward the inadequacies of your own righteousness so that you find hope in Him.
“When you are tired and uncomfortable because you have been called to live with someone who is not like you, what you tell yourself about what you are going through is very important. It is in this moment that you must preach to yourself the theology of uncomfortable grace (See Romans 5; James 1; and 1 Peter 1), because when you do, you begin to be less resistant and more appreciative, and you are on your way to forging a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.”
Susan, from the U.S., gave the following advice on the Marriage Missions web site on this subject a while back, that I’d like to close this article with because I believe it’s helpful for us all to keep in mind no matter what the trial has assaulted our marriage.
She shared:
“My husband has been unemployed for almost two years. I confess that I have been more like a shrewish hag than a shrine of encouragement. In seeing this ugliness in me I’ve been able to go to the Lord and become transformed. There is a renewing of my mind, which is really what walking with Christ is all about.
“What it is doing for my husband is between Him and the Lord. I’m learning to keep taking it to Him over and over again until I’m transformed into His image. I sure make a lot of trips to Him through all this, and through it all He provides all we need.
“So, my female friends —lose the mommy act with your man. Take your woes to Christ —He has what you need. And don’t feel bad about bugging the Lord —He doesn’t mind a bit and you can’t hurt His feelings. You’ll walk away a new creature. Kumbaya, friends, Kumbaya.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Assorted Marriage Issues
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi There, I have a simular problem on my hands. Before I got married in 2008 my wife and I talked about what we wanted out of life and for our planned kids. Just after we got married we moved to the coast working on a project there. We were so happy, money was good, we had a sosial life, we bought a house and a car for her. And then my first son was born.
Just after this she had to go on maternity leave (unpaid). She was also on a limited duration contract so that ended her contract. I was still working but by this time already I could feel the strain and I was trying to leave the savings out as long as possible. We then moved back to JHB and I was appointed Laboratory Manager at our company. The increase was so little we still can’t survive on my salary alone. We have sent her CV out to at least 200+ companies she only had a chance to go to 4 interviews. All were unsuccesful, so I had a look at my standing.
I have a loan I can increase, we have a little bit of our saving left. So I was pro active and I started a business for her. All she had to do was get clients and cash sales to start with. But since day one it just seems that she does not want to work. We are at the point of losing our house we bought 4 years ago, and our car. And I cant do anything about it because I depleted my financial standing and my salary.
I’m thinking of divorcing but I truly love her and every time we talk about this we fight. I don’t know if she feels worthless. I’m a supporting husband and I love my 2 boys. I’m currently looking for work that pays more and her CV is also out there. Am I crazy for sticking around???
(UNITED STATES) Funny how all the stories and comments are from the ladies talking about how their husbands can’t find work, etc and not the men. It’s easy to put it off as the guys fault, etc when in fact the world changed leaving us guys out in the cold. The fact is that whether we tell you or not, we have essentially lost everything. We’ve been replaced in the workforce and more often than not, no one’s going to hire us older guys. They want the younger, easy to manipulate people, etc.
We get to be experts in knowing how an interview will go 2 seconds in the door. A business full of twenty year old’s isn’t hiring a fifty year old guy, and a fifty year old guy doesn’t want to call a 19 year old boss, sir etc. We see the same companies advertising the same things over and over, and there are reasons most companies can’t keep people today. I could write a book on the subject, but people don’t want to hear the truth.
Ladies, whether you like it or not you and your kids have replaced dad in the workplace. What did you think would happen to him, his chances of another job, and even his self esteem? Do you think for a second he’s liking this? Chances are he’s taking this a lot harder than you think, definitely more than he’ll ever admit. Trust me the things he may have considered are not ones you’d wanna hear. You’re gonna have to get used to it and pick up the financial slack.
Don’t get me wrong because we don’t want you to, it’s just that we aren’t in a position to do anything about it. Praying won’t cut it, and college will financially ruin you, it won’t help him. We are trapped with no way out.
(USA) Ronald, I completely understand what you are saying. It is a brutal time out there for those advancing in age. However, the way I have been reading these posts, the majority of the women (and a few men) on this board are not complaining about their spouses pounding the pavement to find a job but not landing any. They are frustrated and upset that their spouse has given up on finding any job at all to help with the family finances.
You sound like someone who is trying their hardest to send out resumes and go on interviews. You are being proactive! The issues we’re having is that we are not fortunate enough to live in a one income family. Therefore, when we (man or woman) get home from a very long day, it would be nice if our non-working spouse made it a little easier. We’d have more sympathy for our spouses being out of work if we saw them making an effort, not just sitting around playing video games or sleeping.
I wish you the best of luck!
(SOUTH AFRICA) RONALD, I hope that by now you have found employment! I read your contribution with interest, and unfortunately, many men (and I am sure woman too) have a “victim” attitude. Poor me, why me, the world hates me, I am useless etc, etc. The real truth here is, is that there is opportunity out there to make money. You don’t need a university degree, but a little bit of common sense.
My husband has been given the opportunity to fix computers, but he had a whole bunch of excuses -needs money, needs tools, etc. My son told him to start a driving school, he had an excuse. We tried to get him to sell things at the flea market, he had an excuse. He has an excuse for everything! On the other hand I have to be the bread winner, I find ways to make extra money (baking, workshops, training people, fix garments, selling Tupperware, etc, etc. I told him he could do this too, and what did he have -another excuse! Sorry to say, but my 55 year old husband is on Pension already!!!
(DOMINICAN REPUBLIC) I’m marrying my fiance in 6 months. I’m an American and he is a Dominican… me over 30 and he’s in his upper 20s. I’m having my doubts about it. We have dated for over 4 years… and he was unemployed (beyond odd-jobs) for the first few years.
He got a job, and now they’re laying everyone off. The stress has REALLY put a lot of friction between us, but we’re only trusting in God. For this 3rd world country, I make an OK salary, and for the most part it is very secure –but us starting a marriage where he’s making zero… I’m SO afraid that we’ll end up arguing about it.
I KNOW that he is a very hard worker… so I don’t doubt his potential at all. Why is God allowing this to happen? Why can’t we have a perfect life?
I have my masters… he has only studied for half of his Bachelors. He recently had to drop out b/c of his savings account running dry. He was taking English classes, but had to drop out.
The alternative is to move to the USA. But will we find work there??? Here, everything is easier –rent is only $220, for an example. I’m living comfortably on my own… but do I want to support him? However, we will be “as one flesh.” Help. Phil. 4:19; Deut 31:6; Psalms 25:2-6; Psalms 33:20-22; Psalms 39:7; Psalms 42:11; Psalms 119:116; Prov. 23:18; Isaiah 41:13; Heb 11:1.
(CANADA) My husband keeps telling me he needs to study to get licensed in Canada and doesn’t work. I’ve maintain our family of 4 and him for 6 years. When I mention work and contributing he tells me I want him do do labour jobs and gets upset. I have been extremely patient… How many more years do I support him studying? I even say work part time and he promises he’ll work but never does and looks in the paper for a day or two and stops.
(USA) My husband has been out of work on and off my entire marriage… it has been so hard for me! I have put up with it for over 17 years and because I make enough money to cover the bills there is no urgency to get a job. He works out 2x a day, looks online and walks our dogs… then relaxes at night and watches tv. He has had nothing but time on his hands, doesn’t volunteer or do anything… sits in the house all day and it is eating me alive. I love him, he is my best friend but this is killing me and I can’t discuss it with him because he doesn’t want to hear it, can’t handle the pressure, and won’t even consider a part time job. He’s afraid he will lose unemployment so I am left with everything.
So I stay quiet and then I become severely depressed and he askes me why. Then when I tell him he says he doesn’t want to hear it. When work is not an issue, we are fine and we have actually gotten closer, but deep down I have no respect for him. How could he not want to provide for our daughter any way he can and contribute to help my stress level? I can’t seem to understand it. It is so hard for me and I am living it every day… I pray every day he gets a job but like some of you said, when he gets a job he can’t keep them because he can’t handle the politics. It is so hard because he knows the bills are paid for. I need help badly on how to cope… I am so sad.
(USA) I am going through the same thing; my husband has been out of work for about three years. Now he doesn’t seem to care if he finds a job or not. He did have a good paying job but he blew it; now I pay what I can but it is getting harder and harder to stay with him. I would never leave him if he tried, but he doesn’t; all he cares about is sitting and doing nothing but drinking when he can. I can’t go on much longer. Please help.
(USA) I understand what you are saying; my husband has not worked in 3 years. His time is spent watching depressing news and complaining all the time about the world around him. He had a job in construction but he got fired; he has not looked for another job. When I look on the computer he says it’s too far and he won’t even consider anything less than what he made before. All I asked was for him to pay the car insurance bill and taxes… taxes are due once a year and the insurance once a month. I pay all utilities and food; I don’t know what I should do… how long do I wait and when is it going to end? He has cars that are just sitting that he could get rid of to help with the bills but he won’t fix them up and he won’t take them to the junkyard. So HELP!
(USA) I posted earlier when my husband had only been off work for a few months. Well, here it is August and he is still not working and has not applied for one single job. He has been out of work for 9 months now.
He conned me into letting him take some 6 month training course and he has been finished with that for a month now and I had to create his resume and I sent out to maybe a dozen jobs for him. He opened the job search one time for 5 minutes and started at it and complained he wasn’t qualified for anything, which is ridiculous. There is a HUGE difference and it is VERY obvious to anyone someone who is truly looking for work and someone who isn’t even trying.
If he was seriously looking every day, I wouldn’t be on here complaining. He isn’t though. It is just days spent watching dumb sitcoms and playing video games. I am sick of it. I will not say another word about it this entire week and see if he applies for anything. If he does nothing, I will pack my bags and leave.
I also lost my job 3 months ago and suffered an injury but I have applied to many jobs and had interviews. I spend hours every day looking and spend several hours a day improving my skills with tutorials and books. I am a professional but I am sitting here working through office tutorials and typing test software to get my speed up so I can go register at some temp agencies to at least to get some income coming in.
He keeps talking about working from home and starting a business but let’s get real. Anyone who is too lazy to write out their own one page resume and send it out is far too lazy to run a business.
(CANADA) I am so shocked to see so many women living with men that essentially refuse to get a job -most refuse to even look for a job. And I am one of those women. I won’t bother telling my story because it is identical to most of the stories on this forum. I have been in this situation for 3 years now.
What strikes me, after reading all those articles, is how all the women feel obligated to stay with these men who refuse to participate (financially) in the relationship. There seems to be a common belief that somewhere, somehow, someday things will change. Sadly, I get the impression that they wont. What scared me after reading these articles is: I’m 30 now, and I don’t foresee a change in my husband’s behaviour either. If I make a stand now and leave him, maybe I can save up for retirement. If I put up with this behaviour now, I’ll be putting up with this behaviour till I’m 65 and I’ll be bitter, angry, full of regret and financially depleted. That is NOT how I want to be when I am old.
I love my husband very much, but I think I’m enabling his negative and lazy behaviour, as are most of the women that are in this forum. I think I have 2 choices: 1) Be happy with his behaviour as it is now, accept it and never complain -OR- 2) Leave him. So Scary.
(GHANA) I thought I was the only one with this problem. When we were courting, my husband was unemployed, but thought that with time, he would get one. We’ve been married for the past two years now, but with no regular employment. It has been my salary supporting both of us. We have had to cut down on so many expenses. Sometimes, I think that he is not looking hard enough. Think that I have made life quite comfortable for him for which the zeal to look for the job is not there. My partner is a good husband but when it comes to the house work, I would say, I do 70% of it.
Sometimes I get so angry, and at other times, I feel so much pity for him. What bothers me though is the fact that, I am willing to make a lot of sacrifices than he is willing to, though the money is coming from me and that really angers me a lot. In most cases, I am unable to voice out my feelings to him as I do not know what would come out of my mouth if I should speak. So in order to preserve the marriage, I’d rather give him the cold treatment. I have been praying to God for the past four years for a job for him but I haven’t heard from God. But I am convinced that things would not remain the same. The good Lord would surely answer our prayers.
(USA) I have married to my husband for 10 years and we have two children. 6 years out of 10, he hasn’t had a job. He doesn’t clean the house and doesn’t take care of children, but plays computer and watch TV day and night. I only have a part time job and it is not enough to cover all the expenses. I can’t give any vacations or any nice gifts to my children.
(SPAIN) My husband is working in advertising industry. We had a good life: summer vacations, we bought a apartment, a good school for our daugher, but in 2010 he lost his main account and since then it was impossible to get another account not even a small client. He had some small projects here and there.
I know he is working very hard and trying to get new accounts but in the end it all fails. The advertising industry is going very bad and I am very worried of what might happened. I don’t want my daughter to have to change school mostly because she is very happy and made a lot of friends and don’t want to lose our house. I have a part time job and I also tried to get a full time but it is very difficult. I hope things will get better as a lot of lives are being ruined and all my support to all of you.
(USA) I usually love your approach Marriage Missions but there are a lot of women who are being nagged to death by their husbands to go back to work and bring back that income they (husbands) were used to loving. I find your site to be very archaic and in fact, somewhat disrespectful to women who are loving, supportive, respectful and yet you just seem to think that women are functioning in those “biblical” male/female roles like in Abraham’s day.
Get over that will you? For pity sake, my husband is not my Lord, Jesus is. And when He is the one who has ordered unemployment for a wife, what does a man have to say about it? Remember, the man is weak, too, and he needs to get it out of his arrogant head that he can force his wife to go get a job anymore than his wife can. Jesus is LORD? Do you at Marriage Missions get that? Who is LORD? The husband is not LORD? And no, I don’t submit to my husband when he’s off his balance beam. Get over that. The Lord is my husband and always will be.
I get so tired of the dismal interpretations of Ephesians. Trust me, Jesus is still Lord, but you never talk about that -about how Jesus is Lord over the husband and the husband cannot Lord over his wife or vice versa. Just don’t forget who is LORD okay?
SOS, I guess I have no idea of what you’re writing here. Where did we at Marriage Missions say that your husband is to be your Lord over Jesus? Are you jamming in some things you read or heard from other sources projecting them onto us –using this article as your scape goat? What you are projecting onto us sure doesn’t sound like something I’d write. My husband is my husband and Jesus is my Lord. Truly… I get that.
I re-read the article this comment is posted in, and I must be missing something. All I saw was information of how SOME have learned how to cope with unemployment –whether the husband or the wife. Certainly you aren’t telling these authors to work things through into your model of how you think things should be done, rather than how the Lord showed them. That would make you Lord, and not Jesus… and I’m not thinking that you’re trying to apply for the position, so I’m wondering if you may be projecting some other info into all of this. How the Lord shows you to work through this type of situation and how another wife or husband works it out, is not something I’m going to criticize. It’s what should be done. Yes… Jesus IS “still Lord.”
And where are the Ephesians verses you refer to within this article? I didn’t see them either, and I didn’t see that we told you (or any wife) “to submit” when your husband is “off his balance beam.” You tell us to “get over that.” Get over what? Again, I have no idea of what you’re writing here. I’m hoping you were just venting frustration about other stuff and you decided that this was a good place to dump it. If so, I hope you feel better… truly!
(NIGERIA) Thank God I am not alone. Reading all these give me courage to move on in my marriage. I have been married for 7 years now and my husband lost his job 3 months after our wedding. Since then I have been a major contributor to the family needs. Now I am so tired. I just pray that God would help me to move on. He does not want to work though, he takes care of our children, cleans the house, and does some other house work.
(USA) We owned a business for many years and in 2009 my husband had a stroke. He has since recovered but we lost the business, our house et. God sustained us and I was able to finish school and now support us with a really good paying job. There’s no financial stress –but my husband hasn’t been able to find work in all of these years and his self esteem has bottomed out. He believes that he is inheritly flawed and has no real skills. He has had a spotty job history since we married (20 years) and has been fired or laid off often. It’s all such an emotional mess and I don’t know how to help him. Please pray for us. I know that the Lord has plans for him and has given him gift, but I have to be careful how much I “encourage” him or he feels worse.