When you don’t want to have sex with your husband, what do you do? Maybe you can relate to the wife’s thoughts expressed below.
“I have already gotten settled in bed, wearing my flannel nightgown and reading my book. Now that you’re in the mood, I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble…” (This is a paraphrase of Song of Songs 5:3,6)
Sometimes the well-worn excuse, “I’ve got a headache, honey,” is actually true. Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’re angry or disappointed. And it’s equally difficult to desire your husband sexually if you’re not attracted to him.
When You Don’t Want Sex
Many women in difficult marriages lack a desire for sexual intimacy with their mates. And you don’t have to look far to understand why, at least in part. We’re all aware that women are wired differently than men when it comes to sex. While men often times are aroused by physical and visual stimuli, women usually need to feel affection and trust in order to be responsive to a man’s sexual advances. When a wife receives her husband during intercourse, she is, in a sense, allowing herself to be invaded by him —not just physically, but on emotional and spiritual levels, as well.
Feelings Make a Difference When You Don’t Want Sex
Wives who feel loved and secure can welcome this invasion as an opportunity to experience intense intimacy and pleasure with their husbands. But wives who lack sexual desire or who feel animosity toward their husbands often experience sex as a violation rather than as loving communion.
Many women in difficult marriages find sex undesirable. So, if you have problems in this area, know that you’re in good company. Also know that you can take steps to have a more satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture can shed some insight into why [wives] may be feeling resistant or resentful when it comes to lovemaking. In a well-known but often misrepresented passage about marriage, Paul writes:
‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.‘ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
What These Verses Do and Don’t Mean
These verses have been used to browbeat wives into feeling guilty when they don’t want sex or avoid it. But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs also to her spouse. As ‘one flesh,’ a wife shares her body with her husband. Bible commentaries also point out that when Paul says we ‘belong’ to one another, he’s not just emphasizing our ownership rights over one another. He’s also clarifying that our exclusive conjugal rights belong to each other —no outsiders allowed.
This passage does not teach that a wife (or a husband) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it. Rather, it teaches that since my husband’s body belongs to me I should care enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can. And he is to do likewise with my body. In the same way, my husband’s body belongs to me. I should also be understanding and generous when it’s not “in the mood.” And he is to do likewise with my body. The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.
At first reading, this passage may also seem to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis. That is because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness. It helps to protect our fidelity. The intent of this duty isn’t that a wife complies with a husband’s selfish appetite for sex on demand or vice versa. The intent is for her to fulfill her sacred obligation to meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is to keep the marriage bed pure, and keep each other free of sexual temptation.
Another Passage
Let’s look at another passage. In Ephesians, husbands are told to love their wives “as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “After all, no one ever hated his own body,” Paul writes, “but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (v.29). God describes a husband who loves his wife so much that he puts her needs as high on the chart as his own bodily needs! In regard to sex then, if a husband loves his wife this way, there’s no danger that he’ll mistreat her or take sexual advantage of her, because that would be like hating his own body.
In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he —not she —is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.
So now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs. However, on the other extreme —saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship —is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If you consistently rebuff your husband’s sexual advances and resent intercourse, you need to take active, positive steps toward restoring consistent and mutually satisfying lovemaking to your marriage.
Suggestions When You Don’t Want Sex:
Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and change. For starters:
• Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking.
Make sure he knows you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.
• Take a “Time Out” from Sex.
Paul said not to deny each other except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). The reason for a sexual hiatus isn’t to avoid sex. It’s to pray and take active steps to bring about change. It’s not to stop resentment from building. Additionally, it’s to bring healing so that resentment is no longer an issue. Talk about this with your husband. Tell him what you’re doing and why.
If he knows the goal isn’t less sex, but more and better sex, he’ll likely feel less threatened by a time out. He may also be more willing to see a counselor together, read books together, or explore the problem. If he gets angry or refuses to respect your wishes, talk with a counselor. You need to gain wisdom and support for what you can do.
• Educate yourself.
There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction. There are plenty of good books available, however. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:
• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.
Additionally:
• Check Your History.
Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.
• Rule Out Physical Problems.
Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Explore the possible causes and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, or if you lack lubrication. Also visit a doctor if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.
• Experiment with Being the Initiator.
In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator. This can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse. Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out:
Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest. So he anxiously begins to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation. So she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.
Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.
• Spell It Out for Him!
“If [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly. That causes her anger to sizzle.”
Sound familiar? Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed. Let him know what makes you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day. She needs more interaction than giving it only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much.
It could be as simple as a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy. List for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.
• Consider Sexual Therapy If You Continually Don’t Want Sex.
For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching. Over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse. (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program.)
If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.
• Be Honest About Turnoffs
It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood. For years, Catherine’s husband Jason had no idea she was repelled by the smell of a prescription lotion. When she mentioned it, he was hurt that she’d never been honest before. Now he never applies his bedtime dose of lotion until he’s sure they won’t be making love.
If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values. Do what you can to try not to let them detract from lovemaking.
Never Give Up
Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way:
“How important is sex in marriage? Here’s a simple answer. When sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running —without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”
Here is a prayer you can use as an outline:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband. You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another. Amen.
This article came from the book, Lovers for Life: Strengthening and Preserving Your Marriage
— IN ADDITION, TO HELP YOU WITH THIS ISSUE —
Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com web site gives insightful information for you to read:
• SEX FOR HER —When She Resists or Limits Sex
Filed under: Sexual Issues
It’s actually easy and I can spell it out in little words:
God made woman for man’s accompaniment.
Populate the earth.
Man and woman should marry if they are having sexual desires.
Once married you are of one flesh.
Do not deny sex to your partner. It may cause infidelity.
Don’t make finite grey areas to support whether or not you should have sex with your spouse. The answer is yes, you should. And only stop when you both agree and it’s time for prayer. Convoluting Bible passages for others to interpret as scripture is just as bad as forging new words. Pretty sure no one here has been touched by God to write extra versus of the Bible. Just take it at its glorified value it was written in, and stop presenting such a skew on this.
Lots of things in life can be seen as controversial. Is the sky blue? Answer: Yes, the sky is blue. Unless you are being argumentative and want to explain how the sky has no true color and it’s just the degree at which light is bent at specific angles throughout the atmosphere and sometimes displays alternate colors.
Some Bible passages are written in parables so it is easy to understand the concept (or spirit) of the word. Others are written with distinction. I’m pretty sure God chose his authors wisely and not carefree.
Final thought: Words have meaning; he meant what he said. He used precise words PRECISELY.
You should read the Bible. There’s more than just mandated sex in there. There is a whole lot of material about how a husband must love his wife. Yet, extremely few Christian men give love to their wives, then they complain about not getting sex. Well, you’re the leader, and you led your marriage off of a cliff. Forcing her to serve as a concubine won’t fix that.
Everyone, just remember: God created men to have much more sexual pleasure than a woman. Everyone has always known that, and it is proven scientifically and on and on. Women on the other hand, have more intimacy, love, bond, closeness, and warmth then men. Men need their wives to satisfy them sexually, while the wife needs the husband to give her intimacy and love. What the world has done is switched the truth. Do not do that, if you argue with this truth then you are arguing with God. It perfectly balances out one another, just like God intended it to be.
Beautiful statement, and 100% scripturally accurate.
Can anybody give some advice please? I have been married for the past 12 years. When we first got married our sex relationship was active but my wife does not like having kids. After we had our first child, she said she did not want any more children but we accidentally had our 2nd child. She was so upset that now she does not want to make love anymore and if she does it is only out of obligation without any feelings. That hurt me a lot. Even when I ask to make love she would push me away. At times I just feel like looking for it outside but I have the fear of God and at the same time I need it so badly that it makes my anger arise. Please advise me what to do, and please don’t tell me to talk with her. She never wants to know or listen.
Why doesn’t she get fixed –have her tubes tied? Since she doesn’t want to have kids, why not? It’s not that bad of a procedure. And then she doesn’t have to worry, now or in the future.
If you have tried talking and it’s not working, it’s time to pray, fast, and bind the strong man (the devil). If you are a God fearing man that’s your kingdom right as a man of God. Ask God to make all things new, to make you strong to keep you covered in him. You see children are from God, so when he blesses us with them who are we to say I don’t won’t this? Tell the devil he is a liar. And pray much for your wife. It just may be she doesn’t understand. Be blessed and stand your ground in Jesus’ name.
Condoms?
Good article but the correct worded script for 1 Corinthians is: I Corinthians 7:3-4) New King James Version: “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
In other words, once a couple becomes married they must be willing to satisfy each other sexually or else satan will get involve in that relationship. I know married couples who go years without sex and the wife gives an excuse about being stressed. I call that long term stress. Sex is what helps relieve stress. It’s like having a job. Will you stop going to work because you’re stressed? Will you stop feeding your kids because you’re stressed? No. Sex requires energy, just like other tasks. Sex is a confirmation if the marriage is dead. Love is an action, and since marriage is supposed to be until death, a person should not give their spouse the death penality by neglecting their sexual needs.
So….was God just kidding about the ” love your wife” part? You said it yourself ” render affection” then you back peddled out of it.
Hello everybody, my wife refuses to do sex with me, also she doesn’t cook for me since I work and she doesn’t want to find a job. She sleeps in another bed and I fear she loves someone else and surely not me. She tells me my belly is too big, that I’m stinking. But my weight has been the same since when we got married 3 years ago. She wants a better car, she wants plastic surgery on her nose to gain beauty. She wants me to leave Italy, leaving parents and friends and my job to earn much money.
I fear she married me only to get Italian nationality; praying she’s only under a period of psychological disease. I look forward but I’m quite sad and maybe I’ll find a lover. Anyway I’ve never been a handsome man to the eyes of the women. For me was ok to have sex about twice each month, but she seems so selfish also with other things. For example when I call for her she doesn’t come. Stranger in my home, before getting married she was a better person.
You took your wife for better or worse. You see how this new women makes you feel. I’m sure at one time or another your wife made you feel the same way. And any woman who will go after a man knowing he’s married is not much of a woman. If I were you I would run, as if my life depended upon it. How many more married men has she taken home? Love your wife. Love can overcome anything.
I had been waiting for a long tome for a promise to be kept, then I found out others were using what was promised to me. I admit that my reaction was pretty bad and terrifying over the next two weeks; 2 men sent to emergency, me forcing my wife to have sex with me, and for a year I have been in a rage. All of the reasons given had to do with control issues I’ve had for the last 32 years.
I have been in a stress center twice now for what they are calling a PTSD enabled episode.
My counselor said that I now might be too damaged to ever accept any type of reason for the way my wife treated me. She said I was fully capable of being a forgiving person but my wife’s and family’s attitude was what stood in the way; specifically my father, he says he just tried to make me a responsible man. My resonsibilllty was to kiss all of his friends rear. Now he knows if they present their rear I am probably going to kiss it, with my foot.
Feedback: Your article was very profitable for me and family. My marriage was on the brink of divorce for a while because there was a blocking on the side of my wife towards me. There was a lack of communication at her disposal to be prepared, and a little selfishness on her part not to book time off regularly to discuss.
I left her your article and I asked her to read it. She told me it was interesting and that evening we discussed it. I identified the blocking problem for me and she realized her selfishness. I think we are back on solid ground. Thank you and God bless.
Thank you Mabrouk, for sharing this with us. God has indeed blessed us to allow us to participate with Him and with you in this awesome mission. May God draw you and your wife closer together to be intimate in every day possible –physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually. May your marriage be blessed!
I’m married for 7 months now with a veteran-sergeant who served for 10 yrs. After marriage our sex stop completely!!! Now she goes for therapy with the VA but nothing seems to change. We were really active before marriage and I noticed some bi-polar disorder and lots of insecurities to mention a few, but went for a weekend to a deep intense therapy and she became way more calm and more sensitive and acted more calm than when she used to raise her voice and scream and act up every time she didn’t like something.
We are young and I need her to want me!!! I know she loves me and I do too, other wise I wouldn’t be with her, helping her go through all this, helping her build her credit back, fixing her debt situations and everything about her. But she doesn’t understand that I need that touch we used to have or attention or sex at least once per week?!!! What to do???
We are Christian people so I cannot go and cheat on her… although I feel like not carrying about that. What should I do??? I’m in depression and lack of sleep at nights… Not funny. I’m becoming a different person. :( I don’t even have a life cuz everything I do is for her and to her. You can respond back to me. Thanks.
When the wife stops being interested or she is turned off it’s because she is sexually or just emotionally involved with the other man. Everything else you guys wrote here is wrong, wrong, wrong! Truth hurts…
Please Help: I have been married for 28 years and our sex life is not there. About 7 years ago it started to drop down more and more less sex like 4 to 7 times a year. Three years ago she lost both breasts and still doesn’t have replacements. So I live with it. I have a high sex drive but it is to make my wife feel good first. I gave her more orgasms than me. Well, at 57 I lost my job and can’t find one because of age. I’m lost in the world so I am down a lot because sex is not there.
I just read sex story and watch a flirt but don’t have a membership. I just talk to them and dream that it is my wife. She told me to stop reading and flirt watching, but our sex life is not there. I’d love to make my wife feel great in bed; that’s why I always put her first. But now she hates me and I don’t understand why. Does a little reading and flirt to ladies hurt?? The last three years we have sex 3 to 5 times. We are both home 24/7 and never have sex; the hot tub she hates.
So today I told her I will stop; that is why I am emailing you. My wife does not like it outside or doing things with me but I told my mother I will never divorce her. Tell me what is wrong with reading sex story only? I just don’t feel like a man now; also I am not to touch myself and she hits my hand in bed. Please help. She goes to a concert and that lady tells Cindy she doesn’t have to take care of my needs. Thanks for your time, and GOD BLESS YOU.
Why has no one answered me at all? Please help. This may not be a good website for problems.
Dear Greg, I am sorry to hear of your problems. So sad to hear that your wife has had to have both her breasts removed. Greg, in answer to your question with regards to flirting with other women and reading sex stories I can only say that, yes, this will most definitely be hurting her. Your wife will be feeling embarrassed of her body now and having her husband receiving sexual excitement from outside influences must be so hurtful. Your heart seems true Greg, in wanting to please your wife. I pray that through love and affirmation you will win her affections back.
Greg, I want to add to what Rose said…coming from a man’s perspective. I grieve with you over the loss of the source of intimacy that is most important to you –a meaningful sexual relationship with your wife. I also understand it is all the more important to you “as a man” since you lost your job, which for most of us men is a major part of our identity and worth.
Of course, we realize our REAL worth comes from our relationship with Christ, and it does help us deal with the loss of a job, but there is still the need for us to get our affirmation and value from the physical relationship with our wives at time like these.
From your brief description of what has been happening since her double mastectomy it sounds like your wife never got good counseling after the surgery in being able to help her deal with this great loss in her life. It sounds like you have tried to be very compassionate and understanding, giving her the “space” she needs to be able to heal. But she just hasn’t been able to get beyond the physical change.
You see, like how we men put so much importance on our jobs for our self-worth, some women put so much value on their physical appearance. Our American culture and society is to blame for that as women are “fed” images of other women on TV and elsewhere that portray a “physical appearance” that all should aspire to achieve – which is an impossible image to attain.
Now, here’s where we men add to the problem. When we start viewing and flirting with these “Internet images,” we are sending a message to our wives that they aren’t good enough for us (sexually); they aren’t pretty enough for us, so we turn to some “pretend” image to get our satisfaction. I can’t tell you the number of letters we get every year from women all over the world who catch their husbands using porn who are not only angry but hurt beyond words because of what their husbands have been doing.
Add to this a woman who has undergone a double mastectomy who finds her husband turning to the Internet for his emotional/sexual connection and you can bet her self-worth is in the toilet.
Greg, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to do that which you shouldn’t are acceptable. Yes, you are hurting because of the lack of sex over the past few years and because of the what seems to be a lack of compassion on the part of your wife. But it’s not acceptable to go anywhere outside of your marriage to find sexual excitement or fulfillment.
I suggest you do a couple of things. First, get the book, Every Man’s Battle
written by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It will help give you some tools to deal with any sexual addiction issues you may have [this book transformed my life a number of years ago]. Another thing you can do to try and talk with someone about your situation is to go to the organization, http://www.newlife.com. They have a call-in radio program you can call and try to get on with them to talk about this. You can also contact Focus On The Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY where they have counselors available to talk with you.
As for what this woman told your wife at a concert that she “doesn’t have to meet your needs,” that is not what the Bible says. This woman was wrong!!! Your wife needs good, Godly counsel. If she is open to it, have her go to our web site and read a few articles on this subject that we have posted, which come from a biblical perspective.
Unfortunately, Greg, there is no “quick fix” to this problem. This is one of those times where you are going to have to continually “die to self” and sacrifice your desires and wants. It’s not fair, but sometimes God wants us to put every human need and instinct aside and simply “obey.” While you do this also pray that God will lovingly speak truth into your wife and that her heart and her ears will be open to receiving the healing He wants to give to her so she can be “whole” again and restore your sexual relationship. Blessings! ~ Steve Wright
We have been married 33 years. I had 8 major surgeries in the past five years, and put on weight as a consequence. Now that I feel better and have lost 50lbs, I am interested in being intimate with my wife but when I approach her she gets angry. She has also left the house twice, overnight, after arguments over upcoming weddings of our daughters; and when she returned the next day she said that she had slept in the car at a park. She is very protective of her cell phone, and she thinks I am tracking her movements through it.
We are Catholic and if Jesus himself told me she was cheating I would not believe him.
But still, it eats at me every day that she is no longer interested in intimacy. Lately she had said that she is disgusted by my weight, but there were times over the 33 years when I gained weight, and we were intimate over those periods. I still have another 50 to lose, but I am not disgustingly fat. I was a body builder and I recently returned to the gym and have put on muscle weight.
We do normally get along very well and we are generally happy. Yes, we have had our verbal fights, but we get through those and we love each other. We go out at least once per week, I have taken her to Italy several times, and we are planning Carribean vacation.
My wife does not have any medical issues, but she had a full hysterectomy about 15 years ago. Even after that we were intimate. How do I break this? Can a marriage last without intimacy?
Listen to Jesus. It’s unlikely she’s not cheating. The signs are there. Away for overnights, guards her cell phone. Take it from a betrayed husband, the red flags are there.
The loss of her uterus was the loss of the major source of estrogen, the female hormone that stimulates much of what physical sex urge a woman has. Were her ovaries removed along with the uterus? That is the same thing to a woman as castration to a man. Most of a woman’s sex urge is from the androgens (male sex hormones) produced by the ovaries. Women have about 10% as much testosterone (the major androgen) as men until menopause. Then it drops.
We don’t like to acknowledge that so much of our emotions, our feelings, are just chemicals produced by various glands and tissues. But that’s how we are made.
The medication the VA had put me on had stopped my sexual desire. But now my body has those desires to be with my wife again. My wife tells me no, never a yes. Our doctor said he could help, but she refused. I understand if she isn’t in the mood or not feeling good. But all the time, I don’t understand.
I am still a newlywed. Me and my husband have only been married for 3 months and I am just not into sex. I am only 34 and he is 28. We have no children together but I have 4. He always initiates it but I tell him to stop and I’m not in the mood. I just don’t have a desire. I realize our marriage is fumbling so soon. What can I do?
Stop saying no once in a while and see what’re happens.
Tell him what it takes to get in the mood. If you don’t know, then move heaven and earth to find out. Did you ever like and/or want sex? If so, what were the circumstances and how do you recreate them? Do you find that once you start, you get into it? If so, then don’t stop him. Just because you’re not in the mood at the beginning doesn’t mean you can’t be in the mood as intimacy progresses.
I’m not in your head or heart, so ultimately you’ll need to explore the issue and find answers that work for you AND your husband.
The reality is if a woman marries you for reasons other than love, (financial, spiritual or moral support), then sex will not be fun for her. You will think she is in love with you because of her great acting routine, but years down the road when she feels she has accomplished her goals you will shoulder the results. And ask yourself too, did you marry her for love or sex, because men sometimes marry soley for physical pleasure.
Some men, and some women, marry to avoid sexual misconduct. 1 Corinthians 7:2 That’s a bare minimum. Our expectations are too often unrealistic. We expect to be drunken with “love” (sensual passion). Through most of the ages, parents tried to get the best deal they could for their children. They tried to find the best match in their socioeconomic class. The young man (typically in his early 20s) and young woman (typically 12-14) might be acquainted or maybe not. Unless one or the other was repelled by the other, they married and made their life together with the support of both extended families.
In some countries today matchmaking is much the same, and many young people are returning to their traditional customs, having seen and not liked the modern Western model.
I’m starting to think it makes more sense than I realized. Arranged marriages can’t be anymore screwed-up than the modern Western marriage.
Great article…but how then do I give this to my wife and suggest she reads it? She has admitted that the sex drive is her issue to deal with and “needs time” to deal with things…how much time? It’s been 4 years. Nothing has changed, only gotten worse.
I know you all will say, “just give it to her and have her read it.” But it isn’t that easy when you have been round and round and will only serve to start a war.