When you don’t want to have sex with your husband, what do you do? Maybe you can relate to the wife’s thoughts expressed below.
“I have already gotten settled in bed, wearing my flannel nightgown and reading my book. Now that you’re in the mood, I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble…” (This is a paraphrase of Song of Songs 5:3,6)
Sometimes the well-worn excuse, “I’ve got a headache, honey,” is actually true. Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’re angry or disappointed. And it’s equally difficult to desire your husband sexually if you’re not attracted to him.
When You Don’t Want Sex
Many women in difficult marriages lack a desire for sexual intimacy with their mates. And you don’t have to look far to understand why, at least in part. We’re all aware that women are wired differently than men when it comes to sex. While men often times are aroused by physical and visual stimuli, women usually need to feel affection and trust in order to be responsive to a man’s sexual advances. When a wife receives her husband during intercourse, she is, in a sense, allowing herself to be invaded by him —not just physically, but on emotional and spiritual levels, as well.
Feelings Make a Difference When You Don’t Want Sex
Wives who feel loved and secure can welcome this invasion as an opportunity to experience intense intimacy and pleasure with their husbands. But wives who lack sexual desire or who feel animosity toward their husbands often experience sex as a violation rather than as loving communion.
Many women in difficult marriages find sex undesirable. So, if you have problems in this area, know that you’re in good company. Also know that you can take steps to have a more satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture can shed some insight into why [wives] may be feeling resistant or resentful when it comes to lovemaking. In a well-known but often misrepresented passage about marriage, Paul writes:
‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.‘ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
What These Verses Do and Don’t Mean
These verses have been used to browbeat wives into feeling guilty when they don’t want sex or avoid it. But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs also to her spouse. As ‘one flesh,’ a wife shares her body with her husband. Bible commentaries also point out that when Paul says we ‘belong’ to one another, he’s not just emphasizing our ownership rights over one another. He’s also clarifying that our exclusive conjugal rights belong to each other —no outsiders allowed.
This passage does not teach that a wife (or a husband) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it. Rather, it teaches that since my husband’s body belongs to me I should care enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can. And he is to do likewise with my body. In the same way, my husband’s body belongs to me. I should also be understanding and generous when it’s not “in the mood.” And he is to do likewise with my body. The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.
At first reading, this passage may also seem to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis. That is because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness. It helps to protect our fidelity. The intent of this duty isn’t that a wife complies with a husband’s selfish appetite for sex on demand or vice versa. The intent is for her to fulfill her sacred obligation to meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is to keep the marriage bed pure, and keep each other free of sexual temptation.
Another Passage
Let’s look at another passage. In Ephesians, husbands are told to love their wives “as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “After all, no one ever hated his own body,” Paul writes, “but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (v.29). God describes a husband who loves his wife so much that he puts her needs as high on the chart as his own bodily needs! In regard to sex then, if a husband loves his wife this way, there’s no danger that he’ll mistreat her or take sexual advantage of her, because that would be like hating his own body.
In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he —not she —is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.
So now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs. However, on the other extreme —saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship —is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If you consistently rebuff your husband’s sexual advances and resent intercourse, you need to take active, positive steps toward restoring consistent and mutually satisfying lovemaking to your marriage.
Suggestions When You Don’t Want Sex:
Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and change. For starters:
• Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking.
Make sure he knows you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.
• Take a “Time Out” from Sex.
Paul said not to deny each other except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). The reason for a sexual hiatus isn’t to avoid sex. It’s to pray and take active steps to bring about change. It’s not to stop resentment from building. Additionally, it’s to bring healing so that resentment is no longer an issue. Talk about this with your husband. Tell him what you’re doing and why.
If he knows the goal isn’t less sex, but more and better sex, he’ll likely feel less threatened by a time out. He may also be more willing to see a counselor together, read books together, or explore the problem. If he gets angry or refuses to respect your wishes, talk with a counselor. You need to gain wisdom and support for what you can do.
• Educate yourself.
There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction. There are plenty of good books available, however. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:
• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.
Additionally:
• Check Your History.
Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.
• Rule Out Physical Problems.
Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Explore the possible causes and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, or if you lack lubrication. Also visit a doctor if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.
• Experiment with Being the Initiator.
In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator. This can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse. Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out:
Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest. So he anxiously begins to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation. So she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.
Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.
• Spell It Out for Him!
“If [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly. That causes her anger to sizzle.”
Sound familiar? Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed. Let him know what makes you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day. She needs more interaction than giving it only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much.
It could be as simple as a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy. List for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.
• Consider Sexual Therapy If You Continually Don’t Want Sex.
For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching. Over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse. (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program.)
If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.
• Be Honest About Turnoffs
It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood. For years, Catherine’s husband Jason had no idea she was repelled by the smell of a prescription lotion. When she mentioned it, he was hurt that she’d never been honest before. Now he never applies his bedtime dose of lotion until he’s sure they won’t be making love.
If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values. Do what you can to try not to let them detract from lovemaking.
Never Give Up
Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way:
“How important is sex in marriage? Here’s a simple answer. When sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running —without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”
Here is a prayer you can use as an outline:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband. You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another. Amen.
This article came from the book, Lovers for Life: Strengthening and Preserving Your Marriage
— IN ADDITION, TO HELP YOU WITH THIS ISSUE —
Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com web site gives insightful information for you to read:
• SEX FOR HER —When She Resists or Limits Sex
Filed under: Sexual Issues
There are a lot of truths in both the article and the comments, including what Kevin is saying. As a husband, I often feel like I’m pestering my wife and it’s never the “right time”. I feel like I am trying to be loving and understanding by giving her space, encouraging her, listening to her, doing my share of the chores, doing her share of the chores, looking after the children, taking her out on dates, making compromises, cuddling, giving up what I want for what she wants, etc, etc. None of this seems to make any difference. There is a lot of advice out there saying that it’s the husband’s responsibility to fill up his wife’s “love tank”. So the eager husband goes out and does the best he possibly can while trying to be patient and understanding. Meanwhile, months go by and nothing changes. Why? The answer always seems to come back on the husband, what he did or did not do right. How can this be an answer? I would bet money (if I did that) that most husbands having issues with this have approached their wives to discuss the problem and each time the immediate reaction is anger and defensiveness, followed by turning specific “examples” around to demonstrate that it’s all the husband’s fault. I can hear the women thinking, “Well, it is HIS fault!”. A typical attitude.
In the end, the message we husbands get is to suck it up. This is “just the way your wife works”. Nonsense! While it is true that husbands need to be sensitive, wives need to accept *some* responsibility if the husband approaches you to tell you he’s not feeling good about the intimacy in your relationship. First of all, believe him! If your husband takes the time and courage to approach you about such a difficult subject, there must be a problem and it is not all his problem. Second, your husband is not saying there is something wrong with you! More than likely, he thinks there is something wrong with him and his confidence is already bottoming out. Third, don’t try to place blame! Intimacy is an issue for BOTH of you to deal with, don’t leave him to “figure it out” on his own. Fourth, don’t try to take over his role! There are many issues surrounding submission and leadership, and your husband does not appreciate the lack of respect shown by pushing him aside while you deal with issues the “right way” (ie your way). Fifth, try encouraging your husband! Wow, who would have thought that Ephesians 4:29 can apply to all relationships.
Let me put it this way, most of the time we husbands feel very much like we are responsible for knowing exactly what our wives want, when you want it, how you want it, how you are giving love, how you receive love, everything you are thinking… and we are expected to change to work around you. All without you having to say or do anything. This is not a “mutual” relationship! The fact is, neither of you are perfect. Please repeat that in your head, “I AM NOT PERFECT EITHER”. If that was difficult for you, please ask God for humility. BOTH partners in a marriage need to make compromises and changes for each other. In this day it seems that the message to men is “All women are totally fine and perfect. All men are messed up and need to change.” I am quite sure the majority of women I know wouldn’t even think twice about cheering on that kind of statement. It’s really disturbing and disgusting, especially from Christian women.
Have any of you read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs? Well my wife’s book club did and guess what the reaction was? Just take a wild guess… Did you think any of the following?
“I was really dreading reading this book, so I didn’t really bother.”
“I am not doing that!”
“Well he doesn’t do A, so why should I do B?”
“Well maybe if he would do a better job, then I wouldn’t have to take over.”
Well I read it and my reaction was “Ohhhhhh! Ok, I can do that”. You see the difference? Then again, the eager husband goes off and tries to implement the suggestions in the book. No change! In fact, I now can see how she’s not doing much of anything from the book. Do I go and tell her how she’s messing up? Goodness, no! The immediate reaction would be anger and defensiveness, followed by specific examples how it’s my fault. *Face palm!*
Please read your own words. Do you REALLY think that men are the only ones with insecurities? While you admit that blame rests on both parties, you seem to also be demonizing women. Not every situation is the same. It’s easy to make overly simplistic statements and assumptions about how intimacy works or does not work in a relationship. It’s not so easy to look one’s self in the mirror and to stop throwing stones. There are a lot of husbands who like to use scriptures to ABUSE their wives’ trust. How about using scriptures, which apply to you to foster a heart of trust in the true spirit of godliness? That goes for wives, too.
Also, if a wife is strapped down with a full time job, has children, and is also expected to carry most if not all of the domestic load, cut her a little slack and go TAKE A COLD SHOWER… just in case you think she’s trying to usurp your role.
I think you are wrongly rectifying this brothers comment with a edge of bitterness. He was merely presenting from a mans point of view, for men! But believe it or not the statement still stands. Women are more likely to be this way than men. Not all! but yes more than not.
Imagine if you will if you were pregnant and or it was special time of the month and you just had to have blank….back rub, chocolate, hot shower,etc. Well those hormones are easily justified giving the stress those things put you through and are as equally accommodated to. Now it is the same for men(and some women) when they have physical needs.
Your suggestion is a cold shower, as if this man were a dog in heat. He is a man of God, and as such he heard “if we burn with passion it is better to marry”, and obeyed. Now he is in an even worse state than before and trapped until ones death unless his significant other decides to change. So please, before you judge or raise a heavy hand, try to step in ones shoes are at least be edifying to an extent.
Great comment Gil. Totally agree. My perspective. My wife stopped desiring sex 22 years ago after my son was born. Always rejected me. I was angry. A lot. But as a Christian, I had no option but to stay.
About 3 years ago, she showed up in my bed. I rejected her. I am still trying to figure out why. I have come down to this. I do not want to have sex with someone who doesn’t like me. I value sex more than that. If my wife rejects me for 22 years, that tells me she does not want me. I will not abuse her.
I am really beginning to hate this thread…A few perspective post sprinkled here or there but it’s basically an illustration of the years of arguements described in the original post. Nothing said has been solution oriented…I came to this thread looking for answers, and I think I want to run my head through some drywall.
*sigh*
Do what you did to win her in the first place. Chores and responsibilities are not love. Hold her hand. Hug her for no reason. Talk with her for no reason. Just look at her for no reason. When you first met her, did you expect sex for taking out your own garbage? No, of course not. You are working VERY hard to get sex. Stop it!!! Instead, work just a little to give love. The sex will come naturally then.
Honestly, I just glanced at the article so far and will have to read it thoroughly later. But the author manipulated the first two Scripture passages they cited to meet their agenda. It seems difficult to trust the rest of what was said. It amazes me how people feel justified in misquoting God when they wouldn’t do that with some contemporary text. Why generate a conclusion and then go to the Bible for support? Shouldn’t you look at the Bible to see what God says and then generate the conclusion?
The author thinks they have successfully shown that sex is not required and not that important. If so, am I free to ignore her needs? Can I quit talking to her? If there are no requirements, which there clearly are from an honest reading of 1 Corinthians, then why are we married? It’s just roommates with some financial and family entanglements, and occasional fringe benefits. Someone needs to rethink this.
Dear “Inquiring”, please read the rest of the article –otherwise, it can be taken out of context. The second paragraph of your comment shows that the total picture isn’t in place because that’s not what is being said at all. There are responsibilities for both partners to consider, address, and do something about. It’s all part of being a part of the sacred relationship of marriage.
You may want to read the entire article BEFORE jumping to conclusions.
You just said exactly what the author said!
I get it that most of the society have men that are chauvinistic and want to brow beat. But when are you people gonna learn that there are good Christian men who deeply love and adore their wives and still get treated with contempt when propositioning for intimacy.
It makes me sick that men get overlooked or be made to feel guilty or get burdened with all the responsibility of building intimacy. Yet women can proposition and get turned down and then it’s the husband’s fault when they stray. It’s views like this that unequalize society and create super feminist and the hen pecked husbands we all know.
Then comes “why dont you lead your household and be the man”?Lesbianism stems from this attitude and until people as a whole realize men are equally victims here, even being the one wanting, this problem will continue to worsen and infidelity will rampant.
Perhaps. I had to chose a non Christian man to find a loving relationship. Our relationship is amazing, as God intended for it to be. He is pagan, but he is also the only man I’ve ever known who gives love. Never has he used me or withheld love from me. And the poor guy can barely escape sexual assault when he walks through the door. I can’t help it.
He gives so much love to me that, ahhhhhh, I just can’t keep my hands off of him. Even when I’m mad at him, I can’t stay mad for more than 2 minutes. Funny thing is, his views on how to treat a wife are identical to our scripture. The only difference is that he DOES it. None of this “you submit because I own you” stuff.
These comments about helping more around the house etc will help a man get more intimacy are nothing more than rubbish. Suggesting such is a signal that the thought comes from an amateur who doesn’t understand what causes a sexless or almost sexless marriage. I guarantee that if you started doing the majority of chores around the house, your spouse will come up with another excuse. There will always be a bar you are not meeting that will give the refuser justification in denying you what you are entitled to.
Don’t believe me? Then try doing more of whatever it is your refusing spouse is asking you to do for several weeks and see if it changes. I’m a member of a group numbering over 10k and I’ve read countless stories about people in these types of marriages. I can’t tell you how many have tried x y and z to no avail. This is why I call shenanigans on the notion of house work = more intimacy. Not one account showed this method to be successful.
To the men here who stumbled on this article, do not buy for one second the notion you doing more house work will get you more of what you desire. If you’re a good and loving spouse, yet you’re getting refused most of the time, the problem most likely isn’t with you. You will want to know why, but you’ll never know why because the root of the problem most likely isn’t what you are or are not doing. It’s that your spouse arbitrarily decided to ruin your sex life. The reasons for that decision will never be known.
To the women here complaining about lack of an emotional connection, I want you to think real hard about when exactly did your husband withdraw. This is a chicken/egg situation. At one point, one started neecting the other and caused the mess.
If you withhold sex, you’re driving him away and creating a scenario where he doesn’t want to be there for you. How would you feel if your man simply quit conversing, shopping, or fixing up the home simply because he was “too tired, stressed, or felt ugly?” This is disturbing to see so many Christian women acting the same as the non believers. We as Christians should not be selfish
I don’t have sympathy for women or men who refuse their spouses. There is no justification for it (excluding extreme cases). Think about this, is giving your husband about 20 minutes out of your day a few times a week not worth it if it could improve your marriage and your happiness?
I know I only addressed here, but I do realize that many women are in the same boat. Much of what I said applies to them as well.
Like the way you explained… 20 min a few times a week was mind blowing. I will remember that to improve my marriage life.
I love my wife so much forever and always. But since we have married sex has become an issue. I want to make love to her and no one else. I am 52 & she is 60. She says I have a high sex drive. I don’t think I have. Three, four times a week? We go to church ever week. I want nobody else in my life and will love her till the day I die. Please help. All I want to do is make her happy for the rest of our lives. I do have more to tell you… Which you may be to advise. Very kind regards. May God be with you x x David
Lost all desire a few years ago. I had a great go at it for years but age and drugs killed the the desire. Do I miss it? Sometimes but since the desire is gone it’s no big deal. I do not put myself in situations to disappoint someone so I find friends and enjoy life. The problem really starts when someone portrays themselves as something they are not. Kinda goes with many aspects of life. People around the world suffer huge traumatic events in their life and if mine is just no erection I feel ok. Sex is great but you can do ok without it.
This is why I’ll always tell young men to not get married. Men need sex. It’s literally as important as eating well. If you eat poorly, you feel poorly. If you leave your man to porn and himself, he feels awful. Marriage is about unconditional love. The commitment alone should provide women with a life long understanding about their man’s love for them.
Reading this and discovering this for myself in marriage, I’ve come to realize women approach things in a selfish way. Sex for them is about only them. I look at men who cheat in an entire new way now too. When left to turn no where else, what can a woman expect? Giving no sex to your man is literally sabotaging your lives.
Only a few centuries ago such attitudes were not expected to be tolerated. A man took a wife, and if he was above the common laboring class he or his father paid good money for a wife. From what can be told, few women took it into their heads that they had the option to refuse their husbands. Those that did had intercourse anyway. Only in the last few years has the notion of “marital rape” come up.
Now, it went the other way, too. A man who rejected his wife sexually could be scourged. Refusal to provide sexual attention to one’s wife was considered tantamount to adultery and was a cause for annulment and excommunication from the church as an infidel. Society just didn’t want the men of the mid and upper classes generating spurious issue (bastards) though it went on to some degree.
When my wife reached menopause, she changed, lost interest in sex; sex became painful but she refused to go to the doctor. All my attempts to fix the situation were met with contempt. Because of the lack of intimacy, it made me withdraw, which left her feeling I was not even a friend to listen to her. We are both Christians.
These things can end badly. She left me and divorced me when the 12 months waiting period was done. She said she was no longer sexual, that part of her life is over and she knows that is part of marriage, so she’s choosing to be by herself instead of cheating me out of it. We got into a lot of arguments, which had a part in it, but she lost interest in me and became very critical of my ways and financial state.
I miss her, not the criticism and lack of sex, but I tried to get her to change her mind. I love her and would have worked hard to create a different environment, but her mind is made up. I think being divorced is worse than the former problems due to the depression and loneliness and wishing for what could have been, but it takes two people willing and committed to overcome and make the marriage work.
My wife constantly confesses, preaches, and argues that she wants sex. But I need more than that. I need touching, kissing, compassion, making out, and touching her body. These things make her uncomfortable, even at the age of 48. What do I do? I try to give love but all I get is this great sex most guys wouldn’t complain about, but I need great love and passion. This is very embarrassing and very hard to explain.
Hi, Robert. Please understand I am not a counselor, but after talking with my wife, Cindy about your comment, she gave me some great insight to share with you.
Because (most) women are wired at birth to be the more loving and want affectionate, kissing, compassionate, etc., one in the marriage, when a woman isn’t “naturally” this way there can be an underlying issue; something that left an imprint on her earlier in life. As my wife, Cindy says, “something’s broken.” There is actually a book on this that we highly recommend you get. It’s called, How We Love
by relationship experts Milan & Kay Yerkovich.
Among other things, the Yerkovich’s talk about how everyone has an “underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage.” They share principles that can equip you to…
-Identify the imprints disrupting your marriage
-Understand how your love style affects your mate
-break free of negative patterns
-enhance sexual intimacy
To me, Robert, I don’t think you have anything to lose by getting this book and reading it to see if there is even a remote possibility it can help you and your wife get out of this rut. Now, there is also the possibility that once the “what” and “why” is uncovered she will need counseling to address that underlying cause, and so may you.
But even “if” things never change, and you don’t get what you want, as her husband God calls you to be willing to sacrifice everything you may want/desire, and love her as Christ loves the church. Simply put, that means you would continue to “love her” in spite of her love style not meshing with your love style. One thing I want to caution you about is to be on guard about not seeking the “affection” you crave outside of your marriage. I can assure you that even the most “innocent” of friendships with another woman can lead to destruction of your marriage. So, please stay on the alert.
Cindy and I pray that you will find the help and insight you need and that your marriage will be all that God intends it to be – the most satisfying earthly relationship you can enjoy together. Blessings! ~ Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
I see this was a while ago, but I hope you get this message. I’ve done the same thing as your wife. You seem sincere, so I’ll be honest about what was going on with me, in the hopes that you can achieve a different end. When I was with my ex husband, I was like your wife. I loved him, I wanted to make love with him, but that never actually happened.
In the beginning, I would be all excited to make love with him, and would be left heartbroken when he just used my body for his own gratification. What I mean is that he just did what he wanted to me; he didn’t care if it hurt, he was always extremely rough and brutal, when he wanted anal it didn’t matter that it hurt me, he would just berate me and run me down until I obeyed. In time I, accidentally, learned to keep an emotional barrier between he and I during sex. No kissing, no eye contact, no face touching, anything I could do to protect my emotional self from him.
Being a Christian, I had no way to protect my body from him, but I could spare myself the heartbreak by not even hoping that I would be anything more than the girls in porn, just a body to use. He didn’t mind at first, he got to do anything he wanted without question. After a while, he began to complain about lack of participation. I can’t say he was wrong, I wasn’t participating. In fact, I was mentally removing myself as far as I could get from the pain I was suffering. The trust of the sexual relationship was destroyed!!! This part is hard to explain, but I will try. Although I had never blatantly refused sex, and so I had never been raped, I had similar trauma to someone who had been violently raped. The sex was violent, I had no say in anything that was done to me. I could only protect my mind.
I know this is probably confusing. But what I’m trying to say is that she is protecting her feelings from you. Something you’ve done has hurt her to the point that she doesn’t feel safe with you. I doubt that you’ve done what my ex husband did, and I doubt that you would have married her if she had always been that way. But something has caused a serious injury in the relationship.
She needs to be able to communicate that injury to you, and you need to be able to own it and restore the trust of the sexual relationship. This didn’t happen in my case. Two years of counseling, and he still insisted that he had the right to do anything he wanted to me. Even worse, he used porn to demonstrate that I was an inferior woman because all those women like it rough, they all deep throat, they all love anal, etc. I divorced him years ago. But maybe, maybe you’ll get a different outcome. Find out why she is protecting herself from you. Go from there.
I have been a Christian now for over 30 years and married to a Christian woman for 25 years. When I say Christian, I mean born again bible believing. Not nominal. But for years now my wife has consistently refused to be intimate with me; she rejects my advances and thinks the whole sex thing is unnecessary. I am just so fed up. I love her dearly but I am just fed up with a loveless marriage. She wants cuddles, hugs and hand holding, but nothing more. So I resort to masturbation and on line porn, because I have nowhere else to turn. Judge me if you want. But I am trapped in a marriage where we are just totally incompatible in the sex department. Once a month would be a nice dream…Just feeling so utterly rejected. When I raise it, she gets cross and tells me to stop being so “needy”. Hurting, bad.
Hello, I quote what you said… “So I resort to masturbation and on line porn, because I have nowhere else to turn.” “I have been a Christian now for over 30 years and married to a Christian woman for 25 years. When I say Christian, I mean born again Bible believing. Not nominal.” And my response is that, whilst I hear what you are saying I have this question for you… Did you really have nowhere to turn to other than Porn? Yes, your wife is rejecting you and that is not right neither is it ok, but you say you are a Bible believing Christian. I pray you turn to God more than you turn to the devices of this world. Turning to porn will make things worse and you are adding gasoline to the problem and increasing the flames.
Please, please don’t go down the road, which will lead you to drawing away from God. No wrong justifies another wrong. I pray our God gives you more strength to overcome and that your wife will open up and talk about why she is rejecting your needs. Perhaps she is rejecting herself more that she is rejecting you… these could be symptoms of something deeper. May Jehovah Jireh provide you with answers and Godly solutions.
Well said, Mandy. I join you in prayer for Martin and his wife –may the enemy of our faith NOT gain ground here, as it appears is happening. May the Lord bring victory!
I dont judge you at all buddy. Name’s Jamie from Georgia…been married four years now, no kids and Christian to the bone. I love my wife dearly but she isn’t the affectionate type. Even in the beginning she wasn’t; I felt maybe it was because we were waiting till we were married to have sex but even after marriage she’s still cold. We may have sex twice a month if I’m that lucky. And even through all that she has expressed her disgust in online porn. And I’m like if you dont like me spamming to it, then do something about it. I even try to ask what the problem is only to get her silent response like she didn’t hear my questions or she’s being downright rude and ignoring them. I feel for you, brother.
I’m not criticizing anybody so please don’t allow what I say bother anyone. I’ve been married for 42 years now and I love my wife more today than ever. She is a wonderful wife and a great mother of our two children and 3 grandchildren. I just want to say that I feel so sorry for all that are married and in a sexless relationship. For the past 15 years our marriage has been just that, completely devoid of sex. A few months ago I came right out and asked her if she no longer wanted sex. She told me no she no longer had any interest in sex at all.
I have no idea how to handle it other than how I have been doing it, which is forget about it. After 15 years it’s killing me not to have sex with a woman. Masturbation only works for so long and then it too becomes very lonely and the excitement is no longer there. In all it has lost it’s appeal. I no longer know what to do and I’m searching the internet for answers.
I’ve been to the experts but they’re worthless. One year ago I had to begin testosterone injections because my level was almost non existent and was causing other problems besides low sex drive. Now my levels are normal and I really don’t know how to handle any of this. If anyone has answers please help me. Thank all of you and I hope we all find our answers quickly. GOD BLESS ALL.
I am in the same boat as you. My wife is no longer interested in sex, and has said that since I will not meet her needs (larger home, higher paying job etc.), she will not meet mine. It has been 3 years since I have had sex with my wife. We haven’t even kissed. She is just fine with this, but she still wants to have all the other benefits of a marriage. I haven’t cheated yet (just a lot of masturbation), but would if something came along. I would no longer consider it cheating since she stopped having sex with me. I vowed to be monogamous in marriage, not celibate.
The article doesn’t represent what the true husband is experiencing. My wife has denied me sex for 20 years. I’ve taken extremely good care of her including washing dishes, laundry, pay all of bills. If a wife doesn’t want to have sex simply tell him, verses lying or giving excuses. Let her be the one that allows open and honest communication.
Many websites and articles blame the husband about not getting her in the emotional state to have sex. It’s sad when those writing articles truly haven’t experienced what they wrote about. I’ve prayed so many times for Jesus to help my marriage. I’m a great husband and father. It’s time for some writers to stop being politically correct and allow some blame to go on the wife.
I was faithfully married for 15 years, and she had sex with me once, on my wedding night. From then on, it was absolutely nothing. Essentially, once we got married, she did it so that she could say that she consummated the deal, but her ‘obligation’ was done, in her own words.
How ironic to discover that after divorcing her I found out that she was in a relationship with someone else the whole time, and this is why she wouldn’t do anything with me. I was the the provider, that other guy was her affair. Women cheat, too.
Wow, she is a total hypocrite and you’re so much better off finding someone else as I’m in the same boat as you. I’m going to confront my wife tomorrow night as I know she’s doing the exact same thing as you’ve mentioned below. I’m sorry for your position but please know posting your experience has given the courage to someone else to say something to their spouse before it’s too late!!!!
Why do you oppose a husband giving love to his wife before expecting sex? The Bible is fairly cut and dry on the issue. I’m a little confused as to why you would complain about her not meeting your needs, when you’ve openly said that a husband shouldn’t have to care about his wife’s needs.
My sex life changed the moment we moved in together. We lived in different cities and had seen each other on the weekends and once maybe during the week. We had sex over and over countless times when we saw each other. We went to nice dinners, I gave her flowers, basically I treated her with love and respect! Royalty if you ask me, even till this day! Her excuses has been I’m tired, my hormones, I’m not attracted to you anymore ect.
Needless to say I cheated on her after 6 years of it and felt so guilty I had to tell her. I’ve given her material things, pleasure in bed, vacation trips, if she wanted it she’s gotten it. I will do anything for my wife except to continue living like this with no intimacy! If I’m not who or what she wants, I need to know because I’m ready to end it! No man/woman should endure emptiness from their soul mate. I pray that I find happiness whether it’s with her or not!
My Brother, you are absolutely correct. The majority of these articles always put the blame on the husband, even if they make some passing comment about what the wife should do. In most cases those who post these articles have not a clue how to address the issue from all sides.
This article isn’t right when they talked about what the scripture means. God created sex for married couple as a gift. Scripture, if understood rightly, does say do not deprive one another of sex because it can cause problems in a marriage like cheating and yes a husband and a wife do have a responsibility to make love to one another. God wants married couples to have sex; that’s what it was created for husband and wife when a wife or husband is constantly refusing to make love or they get mad about it then the one who is refusing is committing a sin in there marriage and not honoring there marriage. It displeases God as well. When a wife and husband have sex on a regular basis it helps bond them together it a assures the husband or wife that there other half still loves them and there is less and less doubt in the mind of the wife or husband that their other half isn’t cheating. Its not love if your other half makes you feel bad or unwanted. You should be able to want your other half with out feeling it’s going to cause a problem.
ZZ, Your comment seems to mirror the feelings currently experienced by a friend of mine. To make matters worse, my friend is reluctant to seek counseling because A. he is no longer attracted to his wife since she gained over 100 pounds, and B. He feels too humiliated about his sex life to share it with a professional or anyone else from the church and C. He is getting to an age and it has been so long since he had sex that he doesn’t even know if he can have sex. The saddest part he experiences with this is the loneliness and the lack of intimacy in his life, the lack of romance–something he has never truly experienced. He wonders if it is just too late for him now, and regrets not being more assertive in his marriage years ago when he could have made a difference.
My advice to you and to him is that it’s never too late to truly live. Biblically, it’s the husband’s role to lead the marriage, although is only affective if the husband is close with the Lord. After exhausting your efforts to show her love and support in every Christian way that you can, why not begin by having a better social life and opening up your home to Christian friends, where their association may rub off on her? Invite church members over for parties where your wife has to participate in socializing to ease some of your loneliness, whether she protests or not. Seek counseling, despite the humility of it, and with much prayer.
There is always a solution or a miracle when it comes to God, and sometimes it’s an escape, and you must be proactive so he can work in your life. The Lord did not want you to be miserable in this marriage, and created sex for all of mankind to enjoy. If your “wife” continues to refuse to act like your wife, consider yourself betrayed and make steps with your pastor from this point so she can take some accountability. Most relationship problems (not all, but most) involve two people. In your heart, you know what you need to do because the LORD speaks to you. Listen to Him. Just make sure that each and every step of the way you consult the LORD. This will protect you and bless your path, whether this path involves her or not.
Megan, my experience mirrors your friend’s almost exactly; now at 49 after years of rejection and the health issues that often arise at middle age, chances are good that my window of opportunity for physical intimacy is closed for good, and all for nothing. What a waste of my life.
Why is all the blame on husbands? I have a beautiful, sexy, desirable wife of 25 years. But for the past 10 years or so she has steadily rejecting me in the bedroom. All the advice I’ve read on the MANY websites I’ve tried. I consider myself a very good communicator. I do dishes, clean the house, laundry, you name it. I praise her for looking beautiful on a daily basis. I’m sympathetic to her needs, and always made sure she organisms before me. Sometimes multiple times.
I recognize that she may be going through life changes. But when this subject comes up she gets mad at me and shuts down even further. She refuses to go see any doctor for help or advice because she feels nothing is wrong. She was sexually abused by her dad and brothers at a very young age and I am very understanding and sympathetic towards that as well. But again, she refuses to seek counseling for that as well and tells me that is not an underlying cause.
I recognize this is an issue but again, she will not seek help!! And furthermore, I knew this before we were married and for 15 years that never seemed an issue in the bedroom. We went from making love 2 or three times a week to may be once every three months! I married a very sexual active woman 25 years ago. She sleeps on the couch every night! The excuse I get is that I toss, turn and snore so she can’t get any sleep.
So what do I do? I go get help. I’m an meds, and wear a very uncomfortable CPAP Machine. Every excuse she gives, I try and rectify the problem. I asked if we could go to counseling, she says nothing’s wrong! I ask if it’s me, she says she loves me with all her heart! I go to prayer, but when it comes to the “sex” subject, I go to prayer alone! Again, she says and thinks nothing’s wrong and makes me feel like a sexual pervert or a sex maniac. Which always makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. I’ve tried everything!
So many websites give advice from a woman’s perspective. I’ve tried ALL!!! I gave space, I’ve mentioned counseling, I do house chores (all time), I try and open conversations about sex, I constantly tell her she looks beautiful and sexy, I pray about it every day!! Sex is a very important part of a marriage. She knew this 25 years ago. But now she no longer thinks so. We go to church and are both very active in the church. She can live without sex and tells me so. But I can’t and I tell her that!
She is not who I married when it comes to sex. The first 15 years of marriage she initiated sex as much as I did. We are roommates and are bonded by marriage of convenience!! I don’t believe in divorce in a biblical sense. And honestly the only reason I stay in this marriage is because I am a Christian and hope and pray that one day God will give my wife back!!!
If the sexual abuse was not an issue from the beginning, then the sexual abuse is not the issue at all. She didn’t get re-sick. You say you do dishes, cleaning, etc. You didn’t mention anything about giving love to your wife. Is that something you won’t do?
Lily, I’m sorry, but the response you just gave to Richard shows the completely biased and insensitive viewpoint that you have. This woman is putting this poor guy through hell, and you still have the guts to chastise him! I can understand exactly what he’s going through because I’m in the same boat. I treat my wife with great love, affection and care, and she returns it by becoming more and more entitled, and less and less interested in meeting my needs, as I am with hers. I am convinced that the more a man does for his wife, it just becomes her “new normal” and has no impact on her reciprocation.
In reply to the man with the wife that has gotten to the point of not wanting sex. Well, this is life. We have so many problems. This situation is tough. I have a wife just like your wife in regards to sex. I have come to the conclusion that you either live with it or divorce her and find another wife. But, you still will not be happy. Another woman will have some other kind of problem that will drive you up the wall. Whatever the case, you are in the same boat as I am. You agreed to stay married until death. No sex but go to Heaven is a small price to pay. Don’t you think? Most people don’t know Christ. You evidently do and we know where Christians go.
A divorce will just destroy people all around you. We don’t live on this earth to ourselves. So, I have prayed and studied also. I even thought about castration. That just creates more problems. So, I have found that to release your sex drive, you have to do it yourself even if the Church says that it is wrong to do so.
Next, I have a friend that does not want to have sex with his wife. He just can’t perform anymore nor does he have the desire and he is a good Christian man. I guess some women have the same problem as you and I do.
In summary, I had my hand get burned real bad. The Doctor said I was lucky to have my hand. Now, this was back in 1950. They could not do anything about burns like they can today. I still have the scar and it cause me a lot of stares because it was burned so bad. I finally came to the conclusion that I was the one worried about the scar, not others. Even if they made fun of me as a kid which no one did, people still don’t care. I have learned to live with it and I have learned to live with a lot of things. This is life and life is not always fair. Actually, life is not fair a lot of time. But, we accept it and go on. And that is what I have come to the conclusion. I’ll just live with it… even though I fight with lust. Everyone does. We’re made to want a woman intimately.
I had a Pastor tell me that he stayed faithful while his wife laid in bed dying. She died after about 15 years. He then got remarried and had a sex life. He told me he or any man can just make up his mind to live without sex. So, like I said in summary, live with it. It’s a small price to have a good wife and then go to Heaven when we die.
Richard- your wife may need deliverance. Demons are real and they torment married Christians. Pray about this, have faith and the son of man will answer you.
Robert- you are correct sir, and I needed to hear that. AGAPE LOVE is more then physical pleasure. Satan will use resentment but the Lord overcomes. A SMALL PRICE FOR HEAVEN.
I can’t understand what you are saying. Is the price for going to heaven when we die living without sex? Is the gospel of salvation about how good we are at conquering lust and putting up with not getting what God made us to want? Or is the gospel of salvation something to do with the earth of the Son of God on the Cross to pay the price of sin for those unable to conquer sin?
I don’t think you should equate living with a bad marriage with earning salvation, as that is not something any of us can ever do, bad marriage or not. The gospel is not about our merit but about Christ’s, not about us succeeding or failing, but about him overcoming evil. If we stray from that, then no one will achieve heaven, and we will have re-encumbered many with difficult marriages with a burden of guilt that Christ had already lifted from their shoulders.
Richard, I don’t know how else to put this and it is not an insult, but you need to man up. You’re ‘too nice.’ No, that should not change but it’s unbalanced in your life. Most advice out there is bull. She is your wife. You need to take her and make love to her whether she likes it or not. Be the man. She will probably resist you, but it’s all part of the game. Yes, it’s a game. She wants you to be a man and not let her get her way. :O This doesn’t just apply to sex, but other areas of your life. How often do you give in to her for whatever reason? This is the Achilles heal of being a ‘nice guy’ that you have to, must, and without exception overcome. Best of success to you!
Do you realize that you are telling him to rape? I’m a Christian woman with health problems, past abuse, and a difficult marriage. You make me sick to my stomach.
Dear God why even marry anymore? This guy is talking about CASTRATION before getting a divorce! That is the only sick part about this comment thread. Denial of sex is on par with adultery and is a very legitimate reason for divorce. Sex seals the covenant between a man and wife so when sex is denied continually on end for years…you are breaking the covenant and making it null.
I agree 100 percent. I did the “forcing” when we were younger. That was totaly wrong of me. It only alienated her further. We had five children during “good sex” days. We have just celebrated our 50th anniversary with over half of it virtually without sexual activity. I have tried everything mentioned in the comments without success. She will not discuss it nor see a counselor.
Truly from what you have stated in your text above I can say you are a rare man, truly after God’s heart. I’m sure your wife too loves you just probably she is going through some phase that she herself does not know how to express. As a woman I can tell you, often we don’t know what’s wrong. I guess we just shut down. Just keep loving her as you have always done and she will be back just the way you want her. If she doesn’t, still keep loving her. This is all I can say for now because all I know is from what I read.
This is the reason for the prevalence of extramarital affairs and thriving of prostitution. Indeed, some men would still have mistresses but the numbers would likely be very low if they were largely satisfied at home. I am shocked that some men continue in their marriages for all that long without intimacy. I am pretty sure on occasion they would do something else where. I don’t blame them at all. Again I would not condone it but what can they do? Masturbate? That would never be like real sex.
It is in everyone’s interests to understand the importance of sex in marriage. Any spouse who continuously refuses their partner sex should expect that they can get it from somewhere either on occasion or on a regular basis. That should obviously not be a good thing but the cause should be acknowledged.
I agree that a spouse denying the other to make love to him or her (because sometimes it is the husband who is denying his wife) is absolutely wrong. It sets in motion all types of problems. The denying spouse is turning her (or his back) on scriptural principles laid out in 1 Corinthians 7 where spouses should not deny each other “except by mutual consent for a time.” But please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. Wrong is still wrong even if your spouse is doing something wrong to you. Violating God’s principles of cheating on a spouse is wrong no matter what the reason.
In 1 Corinthians 7 we’re told to “flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? Yu are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” I don’t see an exception clause in this where we’re told that it’s okay to act out in sexually immoral ways if our spouse denies us. Again, yes… that denying spouse is wrong, but two wrongs committed against each other does not cancel each other out to make something that was wrong right. We are held accountable for what we do that is wrong, and cheating is wrong, no matter what the circumstances. It’s a tough place to be, but it’s the truth.
Something that Gary Thomas (the author of “Sacred Marriage”) wrote applies here: “Your greatest temptation to sin is when someone sins against you. But THEIR sin never justifies YOUR sin. Fighting your mate’s irresponsibility [or sinful actions] with irresponsibility of your own is like pouring gasoline on a fire; it just makes things that much more explosive, that much worse. The Bible recommends a different approach: let love conquer evil; let responsibility shame irresponsibility.
“It’s a spiritual fact that kindness kills wickedness far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. Remember, God won us with grace when we were His rebellious enemies. He doesn’t ask anything of you that He hasn’t already done for Himself. And this same God says that we are responsible to love, even in the face of another’s irresponsibility.
“Peter wrote, ‘Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing’ (1 Peter 3:9). Did you catch that? We’re called to respond to evil with blessing. It’s not human nature to be sinned against and think, ‘How can I bless this person who is hurting me?’ But such a spiritually powerful practice yields every effective results. Regardless of how anyone else acts, we’re still accountable before God for our responses.” So Bido, while I agree with the horrible place this puts the denied spouse into, when another spouse won’t make love to them, I have to go with God’s principles. When things get tough, we go God’s way regardless, otherwise we are denying what God tells us to do. We are not to live as the world lives –we go God’s way no matter what.
Powerful and truthful words brother Steve. May God help us all.
When a wife refuses to submit to her husband’s sexual advances without good cause – menstruating, recovering from childbirth, infection, other physical problems, she is unfaithful to him and to God. Many wives will have relations only when they want to. Some of these insist that the husband must respond when she wants him to. Many imagine themselves “good Christians” and convince themselves that nothing, nothing at all, is wrong. If she refuses him for a week, a month, a year, three years, ten years, she can see no problem.
When apostle Paul counseled people to marry to avoid fornication, he did not mean the legal agreement of marriage but to be married. To be married means to have sex together whenever either spouse so desires, subject to reasonableness as the examples above. Hopefully having sex is making love but just plain sex satisfies the minimum marital duty and honors God Who created man and the woman to be his suitable help.
Men also refuse their wives and it isn’t always porn that gets in the way. Perhaps the wife has let herself go. Flabby, overweight, unkempt, just plain unattractive. Crabby. Bossy, determined to be the “man of the house” (used to be called “wears the pants” but that has lost its meaning). Gets angry when she doesn’t get her way. So maybe he has become unable to be aroused by her. Husbands should also keep themselves up. While women are not affected as much by the husband’s physical appearance, they are not oblivious either. Somewhere sexual refusal becomes sin. No one can fix an exact point in time but it’s there.
I appreciate all the comments on this forum! You guys are sincere and that is wonderful!! I have the same issue and many of you are struggling with. It’s tough when sex isn’t there in marriage. One thing that comes to mind is that as Christian men, we can be boring and our wives are no longer turned on and have lost appreciation for us. In addition, women are sinners, just like us and at times disobey God’s word. I believe faithfulness to Jesus is the answer! There’s no problem too big that He can’t fix…A wife’s rebellious heart isn’t easy, but it can be done!! Allow the Holy Spirit to lead you!!
If your spouse is a sociopath or a NPD/BPD, let me assure you that NO amount of kindness/generosity/patience/longsuffering will change them; they will continue to take and take and take your “kindness”‘and generosity until you are drained and spent, then berate you for not doing more. Any kindness you show him/her will be seen as weakness and they will lose whatever respect they had for you (which was almost nil to begin with) and feel justified in doing so. There is no bottom with these people.
True. And a partner who continuously withholds love will drive his partner out of the sexual relationship. So, if you refuse to give love, then just know your marriage will be sexless. Don’t get married or have a relationship.
“Don’t get married or have a relationship?” That’s what I’ve been saying for years now.
Martin from UK, for what it’s worth, have you ever asked your wife if she was was sexually abused? How should one feel when the wife abides by her vows and proceeds to agree with sex even when she does not want to? Whenever I ask her 99% of the time now the response is “I guess” or it’s “whatever” or it’s “fine, whatever”. I know when she is really excited when she answers “OK”, and not an enthusiastic one at that. Just kidding but that is one of her answers.
The cause: 10 years of chronic pain with failed back surgeries and she with past childhood abuse really put us up against some horrible obsticals to overcome. We are active and in our church and I deferred to the scripture previously discussed about we “own” each other’s bodies. So, now she does not say “no” so much. It’s just too bad there is nothing in the Bible that the responses to your desires need to be said with any sort of enthusiasm, is there?
When a person has been in chronic pain for 10+ years physically and emotionally, I think you should be happy with any response you would get. If she’s still doing it with you, despite her pain, then you don’t have much to gripe about… you are still getting physically satisfied while she is having to calm herself down afterward emotionally and physically from the pain that this has stirred up within her.
Life is tough, and deals us some tough stuff. And yes, it would be nice if she could be enthusiastic, but at least she is doing what she can physically for you, despite her pain. The question is, what are YOU doing to help her in her pain, after she has helped you be physically satisfied? That might help her in a lot of ways to know that you realize this is painful for her and you care.
Yes, we all want to be wanted. I get that. And yes, many men really, really need the physical satisfaction of sex. I get that too. It’s not only a physical release but an emotional one. But when a person is in ongoing chronic pain, it takes a toll on them physically and emotionally to the point that it’s difficult to react as loving and enthusiastic as they may have been otherwise.
Here are some scriptures that I challenge you to prayerfully consider –there are many, many more, but these are a few (I would give her different ones if she asked… but you’re the one asking): “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (1 Peter 3:7) “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25) “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) I hope these will help your relationship in some way.
All I keep hearing is what about the pain the wife might be in, what about if the wife might not feel right, what if your wife was abused… what about the wife, wife, wife? How about the wife take her share of the responsibility and start addressing some of her issues? Should a wife simply let her abusers continue to abuse her and rob her and her husband of a satisfying sex life? Get some freaking help for crying out loud STOP making excuses and start making some changes.
I agree Brian, and we state so in other articles posted on this web site (this is not an “all inclusive” article, otherwise the length could get ridiculous and hardly anyone would read it). This is just an article to make some men aware of SOME of the reasons, and that’s important. But you’re right… a line can be crossed when the wife needs to get help so the husband doesn’t become another victim to the original abuser. To expect him to live within the marriage as a eunuch is totally unreasonable. She doesn’t want him to cheat, but she doesn’t want to make love to him, as it’s normal to do within marriage. He’s not an unreasonable freak if he wants to make love to his wife.
It’s important for the wife to get help if she can’t resolve these matters herself. I had to do that. For years I was clueless to the fact that I was prolonging my own hurt, and I was heaping hurt upon my husband who was not the least bit abusive. The victimization needed to stop. I finally woke up and got the help I needed — we needed. We are doing SO great now, as a result.
When the sexual abuse is IN the marriage, there is little she can do about that. I don’t know why this issue is so hard to comprehend. You want sex, give love to your wife. Be loving during the act of sex. It’s not realistic, or loving. So many men brutalize their wife during sex, and then wonder why she doesn’t like to have sex with him. Yes, the Bible says she must submit. Yes, the Bible says you must not take her in the manner of a heathen who does not know God. There are, and have always been, two parts to this story. You own your part, she will own hers.
Better than nothing, brother. If your wife suffers actual physical pain that is not psychosomatic, such as vaginismus, take it easy and find a position that causes her the least pain or discomfort, even if it’s not what you (or she) prefer.
Circumcised men tend to pump with long strokes to get enough stimulation. Try slowly going in a little at a time, then doing little short strokes. If she has a shortage of lubrication, the littlest short strokes may help. If necessary an appropriate lubricant can be used.
My husband stopped going to church, hasn’t gotten a job that I find acceptable, and has become completely boring. I’m sorry if I’m so turned off by the thought of sex with him that it literally hurts like labor pains. Maybe I’m unreasonable but then again he knew I was demanding since we first met.
Ummmmm ummmmm, going to church may be pointless if you’re not actually learning, or living by the teachings. He hasn’t found a job to your liking? Has he found a job to HIS liking? Isn’t his happiness important to you? It should be if you expect your happiness to matter to him. He is boring? It takes two to he boring. Reading your comment, I don’t get the impression that you’re filling the home with laughter.
My sweety gets a bit dull when he is tired, but it’s nothing a tickle fight won’t cure. When he isn’t watching, I will run across the room and pounce on him, sometimes knocking him to the floor. That gets the laughter flowing (and usually ends up with nudity). Be light hearted, your grumpiness is probably bringing him way down.
I agree totally; problem is, SHE will be the “betrayed spouse” the victim and will get ALL the sympathy, along with the house, the kids, etc, etc.