When you don’t want to have sex with your husband, what do you do? Maybe you can relate to the wife’s thoughts expressed below.
“I have already gotten settled in bed, wearing my flannel nightgown and reading my book. Now that you’re in the mood, I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble…” (This is a paraphrase of Song of Songs 5:3,6)
Sometimes the well-worn excuse, “I’ve got a headache, honey,” is actually true. Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’re angry or disappointed. And it’s equally difficult to desire your husband sexually if you’re not attracted to him.
When You Don’t Want Sex
Many women in difficult marriages lack a desire for sexual intimacy with their mates. And you don’t have to look far to understand why, at least in part. We’re all aware that women are wired differently than men when it comes to sex. While men often times are aroused by physical and visual stimuli, women usually need to feel affection and trust in order to be responsive to a man’s sexual advances. When a wife receives her husband during intercourse, she is, in a sense, allowing herself to be invaded by him —not just physically, but on emotional and spiritual levels, as well.
Feelings Make a Difference When You Don’t Want Sex
Wives who feel loved and secure can welcome this invasion as an opportunity to experience intense intimacy and pleasure with their husbands. But wives who lack sexual desire or who feel animosity toward their husbands often experience sex as a violation rather than as loving communion.
Many women in difficult marriages find sex undesirable. So, if you have problems in this area, know that you’re in good company. Also know that you can take steps to have a more satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture can shed some insight into why [wives] may be feeling resistant or resentful when it comes to lovemaking. In a well-known but often misrepresented passage about marriage, Paul writes:
‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.‘ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
What These Verses Do and Don’t Mean
These verses have been used to browbeat wives into feeling guilty when they don’t want sex or avoid it. But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs also to her spouse. As ‘one flesh,’ a wife shares her body with her husband. Bible commentaries also point out that when Paul says we ‘belong’ to one another, he’s not just emphasizing our ownership rights over one another. He’s also clarifying that our exclusive conjugal rights belong to each other —no outsiders allowed.
This passage does not teach that a wife (or a husband) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it. Rather, it teaches that since my husband’s body belongs to me I should care enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can. And he is to do likewise with my body. In the same way, my husband’s body belongs to me. I should also be understanding and generous when it’s not “in the mood.” And he is to do likewise with my body. The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.
At first reading, this passage may also seem to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis. That is because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness. It helps to protect our fidelity. The intent of this duty isn’t that a wife complies with a husband’s selfish appetite for sex on demand or vice versa. The intent is for her to fulfill her sacred obligation to meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is to keep the marriage bed pure, and keep each other free of sexual temptation.
Another Passage
Let’s look at another passage. In Ephesians, husbands are told to love their wives “as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “After all, no one ever hated his own body,” Paul writes, “but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (v.29). God describes a husband who loves his wife so much that he puts her needs as high on the chart as his own bodily needs! In regard to sex then, if a husband loves his wife this way, there’s no danger that he’ll mistreat her or take sexual advantage of her, because that would be like hating his own body.
In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he —not she —is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.
So now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs. However, on the other extreme —saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship —is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If you consistently rebuff your husband’s sexual advances and resent intercourse, you need to take active, positive steps toward restoring consistent and mutually satisfying lovemaking to your marriage.
Suggestions When You Don’t Want Sex:
Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and change. For starters:
• Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking.
Make sure he knows you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.
• Take a “Time Out” from Sex.
Paul said not to deny each other except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). The reason for a sexual hiatus isn’t to avoid sex. It’s to pray and take active steps to bring about change. It’s not to stop resentment from building. Additionally, it’s to bring healing so that resentment is no longer an issue. Talk about this with your husband. Tell him what you’re doing and why.
If he knows the goal isn’t less sex, but more and better sex, he’ll likely feel less threatened by a time out. He may also be more willing to see a counselor together, read books together, or explore the problem. If he gets angry or refuses to respect your wishes, talk with a counselor. You need to gain wisdom and support for what you can do.
• Educate yourself.
There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction. There are plenty of good books available, however. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:
• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.
Additionally:
• Check Your History.
Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.
• Rule Out Physical Problems.
Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Explore the possible causes and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, or if you lack lubrication. Also visit a doctor if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.
• Experiment with Being the Initiator.
In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator. This can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse. Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out:
Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest. So he anxiously begins to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation. So she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.
Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.
• Spell It Out for Him!
“If [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly. That causes her anger to sizzle.”
Sound familiar? Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed. Let him know what makes you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day. She needs more interaction than giving it only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much.
It could be as simple as a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy. List for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.
• Consider Sexual Therapy If You Continually Don’t Want Sex.
For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching. Over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse. (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program.)
If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.
• Be Honest About Turnoffs
It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood. For years, Catherine’s husband Jason had no idea she was repelled by the smell of a prescription lotion. When she mentioned it, he was hurt that she’d never been honest before. Now he never applies his bedtime dose of lotion until he’s sure they won’t be making love.
If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values. Do what you can to try not to let them detract from lovemaking.
Never Give Up
Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way:
“How important is sex in marriage? Here’s a simple answer. When sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running —without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”
Here is a prayer you can use as an outline:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband. You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another. Amen.
This article came from the book, Lovers for Life: Strengthening and Preserving Your Marriage
— IN ADDITION, TO HELP YOU WITH THIS ISSUE —
Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com web site gives insightful information for you to read:
• SEX FOR HER —When She Resists or Limits Sex
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Well one thing is for sure, there are no success stories here. Just bantering about the topic of sexless marriages. Stay or leave is the only question for all to answer in their own time. My wife tells me to jokingly “get a girlfriend” when she consistently rebuffs my approaches. She knows I wouldn’t do that, nor seek a divorce. Sure I could easily absolve myself of infidelity and would take full blame. That does seem to be the crutch on this post site –jockeying for placing blame on the spouse. I’ll gladly take all the blame, if I fail to find a solution where none may exist. Taking blame is the least I could do to save my spouse the embarrassment of a divorce. But I’ll never judge others for their own decisions to stay in a sexless marriage or split.
Gunny, that’s not true about there being “no success stories here.” Ours is buried a bit, but ours has been a success story. For years and years I just didn’t get it as far as the importance of making love to my husband. Because of past sexual abuse, I eventually withdrew from my husband Steve and denied him. It’s like I kept him as a sexual hostage — but without sex. I didn’t want him to cheat on me; if he would have turned to masturbation I would have lost respect for him (because I didn’t see the strong sexual urge he had), and yet I denied him the one who he COULD make love to –the one he WANTED to make love to… me. All I saw was my pain, my not wanting to have sex, my side of things. I just kept going on denying him… not getting the help I needed to get past my issues. I don’t know why I thought this was okay, but it wasn’t. Thank God I woke up –for my husband’s sake, my sake, and for the sake of our marriage.
Several years back I read a book by Linda Dillow titled Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex and something went off in my spirit. I had an “ah hah moment.” All of a sudden I realized how different my husband and I approached making love. I also realized that I needed to get help for my issues. It wasn’t fair to allow my victimization to spill over into victimizing my husband. The power those abusers had over me because of past abuse had to stop.
Eventually, I prayed, found good help and God helped me to learn how to love my husband in intimate ways, like I should. It didn’t happen overnight, but I can tell you that our marriage multiplied in how good it has gotten since then. My husband and I are close in so many ways. I was clueless before, but not any more. Thank you Lord!
So yes, Gunny, there are a lot of bad endings, but there ARE some good ones. And I work hard to try to help other women see what I’ve seen… and Steve is helping other men –to help them with their issues. We can’t help all, but the ones we have helped are more than grateful.
Hi Cindy, I just ran across your very encouraging and well written text here above. Thank you! Yes, your and Steve’s site here has been a blessing to more people than you know… WP (Work in Progress)
Thanks so much WP. It means a lot to me/us for these kind words. We really appreciate it and are thankful for the ways you encourage others, as well. May God be glorified in all we do :)
Hi Cindy and Steve, You are more than welcome… Yes, May God be recognized as the origin of this site and may He guide all the responses herein. :) WP (Work in Progress)
Neither of those is a crutch. The fact is, it takes two to make a relationship succeed, and it takes two to make it fail. Men do cause their wives to leave the sexual relationship. This is fact. Women do lash out in very unhelpful ways. This is fact.
Nothing will ever get better until BOTH people accept and own their part. Being honest about this isn’t a crutch. Men do more to push their wives away from sex than they do to attempt to connect with her emotionally. You’re not gonna get the sex you want without giving the love she wants. This is common sense.
Exercising one’s right with force cannot be called rape by any sense of human imagination. If a wife is not happy with the sexual behaviour of husband she can take divorce and move out of the relationship. But it is wrong to criminalise marriages and calling your husbands rapists just because they wanted some happiness out of their lives.
You don’t have any rights. Please read your Bible. You have responsibilities! The Bible does not say “you can use your wife for sex whenever and however you want, and you don’t ever have to give love or treat her like a person.”
Sex without consent of the other party is rape. Legally and morally. End of story.
We are we so adamant about avoiding the truth in this matter? Let’s just say it. Wives need to feel loved by their husband, sexually women need to feel safe having sex with this man. The two things she needs most to have a connected relationship are the two things he refuses to give. It’s him, not her, that’s withholding love. He feels that sex is owed to him; he disregards his sacred responsibility to love his wife. Give her love, she will give you sex. Do not betray her safety during sex. “Be not immoral in your sexuality. Be giving of yourself in love to your wife. Do not take her in the manner of a heathen who does not know God.”
When you choke her, hit her, sodomize her, brutalize her… it’s YOU who have violated the safety and trust of the relationship. YOU communicated two things to your wife. 1) you hate her 2) you enjoy making her suffer. After all of this, ask yourself, why would she have sex with you? The Bible says she must submit to her husband. The Bible also says you must love her. YOU are the head of the relationship. YOU lead the family into contempt and disconnect. By refusing you she is submitting to your leadership. This article questions about sexual abuse in the past, when it should be asking about sexual abuse in the marriage. I don’t know why we are so reluctant to address the truth.
I’m a female and got married to a wonderful guy a little over a year ago. We had a great relationship prior to marriage and sex was great! Once we got married, I changed only in the sexual area, as I can count on one hand how many times I made love to my husband. My husband’s good looking, smart, funny at times and very loving. There are few things we do not see eye to eye on and that is a problem for me which makes me reject him in bed.
When he drinks, he says means things but states he’s joking when he’s confronted or denies he even said that. He takes his families side over mine etc. There are other small little things but it all adds up. When I talk to him about it, he plays reverse psychology and makes me feel like it’s my problem for upsetting / hurting him, so I just keep quiet as I don’t want the issue to escalate, but there are times my mouth has run.
Anyway, the point is, regardless how good looking a guy is, how sweet/caring he is, how buff he is, how educated or rich he is, if you and your wife are not able to communicated about the small issues, it will build up and the wife will resent you by not giving you what you desire; sex. Being a female I feel like this is the only way I can get back at my husband for making me feel bad when he plays reverse psychology. I’ve been called selfish, and told that I’ve forced him into celibacy etc. My response, “you are free to go find someone else”. My girlfriend says, I’m not in love with him which is why I don’t make love to him. This may be true…as your wife may be in the same boat as me.
” I didn’t lose you, you lost me. You’ll search for me in everyone you’re with, but I won’t be found”.
-anonymous
My husband left because I didn’t have sex for the last three years of our marriage. Like your situation, when he was drunk he was nasty. His family ran me down and he never took my side, never protected me; it was the same way for all of our marriage. I thought after 15 years and 6 children he would love me more than anyone. He broke my spirit and made me feel totally worthless. I dreaded sex with him and just felt like a prostitute.
I know what you are talking about. When a man is mean and rude a woman will withdraw naturally. It just happens. Me and my ex ended up in separate rooms because of it. I finally left because we were like roomates. I felt verbally abused for 5 years. I began getting panic attacks. He kept asking me to leave. I finally did because I could not take the stress and abuse anymore.
It’s called abuse and if you let it keep going on it will never stop. It’s like a man who beats his wife and promises to never do it again. Yes he will do it again because he has a problem, he can’t control his words and actions. People told me to stay with him. I did for a long time and tried counseling. It got worse and worse. Finally I knew I could not change him. I had to protect myself from abuse. No one could do it but me. Sometimes it’s the best way.
If you ever told me I was “free to go find someone else” (a lie, since you would take the house, the kids etc., but just for the sake of the argument) I’d take you up on it and be out the door in a hot second.
I have been married for almost 3yrs. My wife doesn’t want to have sex on a regular basis and always coming with the excuse that she is tired. There was a time she wasn’t working for about a year and still comes with the “being tired excuse”. Note, She doesn’t have any health problems. We normally have sex only once a month now if I am lucky; twice a month and I am always the one to initiate it. She only likes to cuddle. Note, we never had sex before marriage but I noticed the red flag 1-2 months after marriage when we would fight alot about me not getting enough sex.
We are still a very happy couple except for this side of sex. I help her with house chores as well and we pray together everyday as Christians. We do not have kids yet but I foresee troubled times ahead after we start having kids soon that our sex life might die completely. I have a very high sex drive and its killing me. I am thinking of calling off the marriage even though I love her but I am not sure I would like to stay like this 10, 15 yrs, 30yrs down the road. Before you ask me to talk with her one on one…We have gone through this round and round. She promised to change in the first year but no improvement and it’s getting worse. Now I dread the lonely night time. I know she loves me and her life might never be the same again if we divorce. For me I will move on with my life as we don’t have children yet.
Sounds like your wife might have a thyroid problem. It makes a woman have no sex drive. I know. It also makes a woman get very tired from only a little activity. This goes highly undetected by doctors. If not, maybe mornings are better for her, where she will have more energy. I am sorry for you my friend. I understand.
Oh boy-the “thyroid problem” excuse-doesn’t keep my wife from running 5/10K’s, Vacation Bible School, AWANA, school/community activities, etc. She’s got plenty of energy for what she wants to do-just no energy (or time) for me. She ought to have plenty of energy with all the work I save her doing laundry, dishes, etc. so let me spare you the trouble of suggesting that I help out more.
I have lost all interest in sex. We’ve been married for almost 5 years and have 3 children. I believe it’s because I feel completely taken advantage of. I do everything in the house. The cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work, on top of the children. I am very exhausted by the end of the day and sex is the last thing on my mind, but my husband demands it of me and gets furious when I decline.
There is no romance. I also get no time to myself whatsoever to refresh my mind and body. It’s the same thing day in and day out. He works, I get it. But he believes that exempts him from lifting a finger at the house when it comes to anything, even the kids. I’ve begged, cried, and pleaded for his help and he will help me for a couple of days, then it goes back to the same thing. I just have learned not to expect anything from him so I don’t feel disappointed. I’m just mentally and physically drained. I have been forced to spread myself so thin and pick up his slack. I get no help from him at all, he won’t even change a diaper. He doesn’t believe that he should have to.
Why would I want to have sex with someone who demands it of me but doesn’t seem to care about my needs? I can’t even get 5 minutes of “me” time to gather my thoughts. The only alone time I get is when I go grocery shopping. He won’t babysit for me at all. Our marriage is on rocks. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but I’m wrong to feel that way, according to him.
To all: Notwithstanding there are 3 sides to every story. Your perception, their perception and the truth. Now then, you seem as though you’re beating around the bush. If your story is fact, you are a victim of a husband adept at Pride, ego and hubris. Basically, you feel he is a jerk. And, staying together for the children is a myth. Google Maslow and modeling. I hear your main concern is your husband. Please evolve beyond that. Your children, every minute of every day are learning EXACTLY what it’s like to have and when they’re grown, they will seek out only what they know– another dysfunctional partner. Now that you know, its on you. Sounds like tough love, because it is. All The best.
“The cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work, on top of the children. I am very exhausted by the end of the day and sex is the last thing on my mind.” Perhaps those things are more important to you than your relationship with your husband?
“There is no romance.” Are you expecting to be the recipient of romance, or a partner in creating romance?
“I also get no time to myself whatsoever to refresh my mind and body. It’s the same thing day in and day out.” When does your husband get time to himself to refresh mind and body? For him, refreshing mind and body may include making love with his wife.
“He works, I get it. But he believes that exempts him from lifting a finger at the house when it comes to anything, even the kids.” If you also work outside the home during the day then your husband really must share household and childcare tasks equally with you. But if his contribution is breadwinning and yours is homemaking then don’t devalue his contribution, as he is probably also tired in the evenings. One job is not easier than the other just because it takes place out of your sight.
That is so wrong. I have raised 6 children and then worked full time once my youngest turned 5. Staying home with little ones is so much harder. There is no rest; it totally drains you. Besides why should her husband’s day end at around 5pm when hers ends when she falls into bed and then apparently she still isn’t done?
Being proclaimed highly educated by many, especially a Federal Judge that has been making decisions about one’s intelligence and myriad other qualitative opinions for over 20 years has finally made a believer of me. Growing up with the tacit and overt understanding from my parents and older sibling that my intelligence was the reason that college would be a big waste of money. And, by the time I was a teenager, not only was being the POTUS a pipe dream, but my stupidity left me with the trades. Something, I believed was very unfair. I wasn’t interested in any of the trades I knew of.
Everything I thought would be exciting required an education. And, at 15 I was uneducated (stupid) and ignorant. With, that egregious “foundation” surely mine, allowed the snowballing of low self-esteem, anger and confusion about how my world, my goals and dreams were circling the toilet. Hence, at first my subconscious and later, perhaps @ 15 years young, if education wasn’t for me then being a tough guy was the only way to get respect. And, being able to out perform everyone who ran in my circles would be how I would be king. And, I was a king. I worked out to get huge muscles and ran 10ks in under 42 minutes. This life during the day left me a star in the gym and a god, fueled with more cocaine, benzodiazapines and pounds of Maryjane had most woman wanting me.
All those aforementioned self loathing feelings about me were successfully buried. Those truths would not see the light of day for decades. And, until they started to resurface, I enjoyed every day. However, my “recreational” “partying” had built a tolerance with virtually any mind altering substance that could be found. Men and women alike wanted to share time with me. And, even after the beginning of the fifth decade of my life, after spending over $300,000 on the best education money could buy. And for eight and a half years at a private university, referred to by the pundits as “The Harvard of The South” including 3 years at Life Chiropractic in Marietta Georgia, invariably I achieved the best grades more often than anyone else in my class.
Sometimes, BC I always went to the professors office hours to glean as much as I possibly could. I actually knew what many of the younger students would never know–how exciting, challenging and rewarding the entire process was. Sometimes I was so jacked up after one of hundreds of brilliantly delivered speeches, I would at least call Kelly, my girl back then, and just be bursting with enthusiasm of this feeling of personal growth. No longer was I completely “unscathed by education.” I conquered, I thought, my need for drugs (including alcohol and dip). But had I actually internalized a self image that was positive? Would I shed any abuse of everything and adhere to my most treasured attribute–discipline?
Lamentably, my upbringing and the “choices” or inevitabilites would leave me something I’ve never even considered before my Child Psychology Degree. Thus, it wasn’t long before the fact I was not being recreational. And, due to the complete lack of coping skills, i was far from discipline, moderation and true self love. Christ, now I embarked on tackling this disability. And, then, my girl of well over a decade had decided to all but eliminate making love. Oh, the first 2-3 years, we had sex daily and she made my day even though I couldn’t make hers for a few days. After all, we would be together forever and her love to me might not have been communicated verbally, but behaviorally she loved me very much. Until she stopped showing me. And, its of great import to note that even nearing forty (as well as being 53 years young today) all I required was 3-15 min max is all I required. In other words instead of cuming 3 or 4 times as an activity or sport when both she and I could perform. When, in the rare occasion she would account for my NEEDS, I would knock one out in 5 to 10 minutes 90+% of the time.
I carried guilt until I realized with much work, psychologists and all, that in fact by never wanting to be intimate with me, the die was cast that we would never last. Not being with someone who was never used to rejection created a world of hurt for me that stripped me, thus far, of my dream of having a family. And, it wasn’t until recently that two healthcare professionals and a pastor, finally allowed me to be honest and admit that my girl, who promised as I to stay together through sickness and in health…etc. I know now, as certain as I knew for the last 20+ years that Kelly, the only true love of my life, by not loving me physically and, then the worst feeling of all to not love me spiritually. If anyone had something like this happen to them, regardless of gender please reply. Thanks. Cheers
After being married for over 20 years and struggling with intimacy with my wife, we recently had a conversation that caught me off guard. I expressed that I desire her heart, soul and body. That I’d like to be in her head. I want closeness with her. When I asked her why she doesn’t want that with me, she said “Don’t be upset, but I don’t know.” When I asked her if she had ever had a desire for physicalness in any relationship she had, even as a teenager… She said “No”.
She knew before we were married that being connected on all levels was important to me… And I feel betrayed and lied to. She has always been thankful that I have been patient with her. I always thought it was because I had gained a few pounds… or that it is because she is overwhelmed at home. So I’ve always been a great help around the house… doing almost all the cooking and helping regularly with laundry and cleaning bathrooms, bathing our three boys, etc… While also allowing her to work part time, while I work full time and do all of the man stuff /maintenance in our home. I asked my wife if this is something that her mom struggled with… And she said, “Yes.”
So I realize that the chances of having my desires for intimacy met are pretty much non-existent unless my wife is willing to do something about it. After years of asking her to get counselling and see a doctor to seek help, I’m just tired of going in circles. I have no hope that my desires for intimacy with her will ever be a reality.
You feel betrayed and lied to because you WERE. I wish I could give you a more optimistic scenario, but I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me years ago instead of mouthing platitudes, and that is: give it up – she’s not going to go to counseling; she sees no problem in the current situation. And on the off chance she does go, the minute she gets in the hot seat and realizes she’s not going to be held blameless? That will be her last session. Guaranteed. I’m sorry to sound heartless and cold, but as I said, I wish someone would have told me this about 20 years ago, when there was still time to (maybe) make a life with someone who wanted me. Peace to you, brother.
A wife wants affection, a husband wants sex. So you might say, simple solution, giving affection will lead to sex? But not always, here’s why.
I believe for a husband to give affection there has to be a reason. Remember the husband-wife relationship is unique, it’s the only relationship that is permitted on a sexual level, you don’t hug your siblings or relatives from the same place as you do your spouse, they are blood relatives where the affection is through kinship. The husband-wife relationship has a sexual element, stay with me on this.
Men are visual creatures, stimulated sexually in different ways to women and it is this sexual stimulation that ultimately leads to affection to the woman from the man. Before complaining about lack of affection a wife needs to take a long hard look at herself and her efforts to stimulate this sexual element in her husband.
The idea that the affection should just be there anyway is false. Because as I said earlier the affection between a husband and wife comes from a sexual place. When you first got together, a large part of it had to be sexual chemistry, remember the root of affection between husband and wife is not the same affection as between mother and daughter or brother and sister, there is within the marriage relationship a unique sexual element that underpins affection.
“But he still has sex with me once in a while but still doesn’t show affection”. If this is happening to you then you should be worried because now his sexual activity is coming from the need to relieve himself out of desperation; he is probably not far from looking elsewhere for satisfaction. There is a difference between relief and satisfaction, one is on a simply physical level while the other has both physical and emotional levels.
So what’s the solution? A woman by her nature is a sexual and sensual being, that is the attraction to men and what helps bring about relationships between men and women. If a woman is no longer projecting to her husband her sexuality then the mans attraction and affection towards her will fade. I’m sorry to say but the ball in this case is in the wife’s court. It is up the wife to actively work on her husband’s attraction, giving him the desire to want her sexually and this will in turn NATURALLY lead to an increase in his affection towards her. It doesn’t in my 30 years of experience work the other way around.
I’m going to make an analogy, it’s crass and not one I like to make but it may give women out there an insight into the basic mind set of men.
Have you ever seen men with a nice car, maybe a top of the range BMW ,a Porsche or something similar. Watch how he looks after it, buys the best fuel, hand washes it, spends hours polishing it, looking at it, spending hours on forums looking at how to spend on it to make it even better, maybe showing off photos of it…look at the affection he has for it, but how much does he actually really drive it? (Sexual metaphor here folks ;)) Not a lot,it’s mostly parked up looking good but when he does drive it he gets satisfaction and his affection increases even more.
As I said this is a crass analogy but an insightful look into a mans brain, see how his affection is stoked through both the Beauty of his car and satisfaction of the driving. Now back to the real world, if a wife looks good, makes a real effort to be pleasing to her mans eye, and at night offers the man a reason to come running to the bedroom and satisfies him in the bedroom, don’t you think he will be longing for her, wanting to spend time with her, thinking about her all day long, coming home from work and kissing her, hugging her giving her what? AFFECTION!
Remember ladies, affection in a marriage comes from a sexual source, if that source is lost then the affection will fade; that’s the nature of the relationship. In time as couples grow older a different affection will take hold, but that’s probably in the age range closer to 60’s. Until then treat affection as you would a diet or a fitness program, know that just as your weight decreases through managing your diet or your fitness increases by managing your exercise, so too will the affection from your husband increase by managing your husbands sexual attraction towards you.
As a final point, for husbands. Don’t feel guilty about talking to your wife about this and be honest. Admit you are what you are – a being created to be sexually attracted to women and you need sexual stimulation for your wife in your life in order to show affection. But do remember once you get that stimulation to follow through with the affection, in my experience if a husband is being sexually stimulated in the right way then giving affection to a wife is never an issue it will come naturally.
Tips for wives: Look a little more attractive at home then you would normally, put on a bit of makeup wear something a little sexier. Drop hints you want some sex later in the evening. Initiate sex, even during the day. Give him a sex session that he remembers. Dress up in lingerie
Stimulate the mans sexual instincts until he can’t think of anything but you.
Tips for men: Respond to the wife’s efforts. Tell her she looks sexy. Touch her when you can. Kiss her when you can. Show her affection outside of the bedroom. Tell her you want her. Show her affection after sex. Show her affection in bed those nights there is no sex. Tell her you want her to look sexy. Spend on her to look sexy. Reward her with affection so she will continue to satisfy you.
Hello, I’ve never posted on a site before about my marriage. I’m scared my wife would find out. I’m in the same boat as a lot of you guys.
I love my wife and treat her with total respect and loyalty. I do EVERYTHING in the house. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping and she just watches Netflix and snapchats. I ask her every day how she is doing but she hasn’t asked me about how my day has been going on for about 2 years. I’m simply the live-in help. She is bossy and critical of all my work. If I fight back she threatens divorce. I love her and her family so divorce breaks my heart just thinking of it. We have sex whenever she wants it, which is about once every 4 months. I’d rather have it at least once a week. I haven’t had oral in over 3 years but perform oral on her at least 2 times a month. I always ask to be reciprocated; she laughs and says why do I go down on her when I should know I’m not getting anything. I tell her because I love her and I’m unselfish to her needs.
She uses sex as punishment. Once Chiptole gave her the wrong beans; I put in the order. My punishment was no sex for a few months. She wasn’t like this when dating, but she promised me it was because she was scared of getting pregnant but promised me that she would be my “bad girl” forever during marriage. She lied. Instead I cry myself to sleep knowing that I can’t do anything because of my beliefs in marriage. It just hurts so much.
This morning I tried to cuddle and she pushed me and said it’s 8 am and “we” need breakfast. So I got up and cooked now she has me laying floor then I go grocery shopping. I’m here hiding in the restroom just crying. I would never cheat on her but sometimes I wish I could. I miss feeling loved or at least appreciated. FML
I’m so sorry to hear your struggle. One good thing is at least every 4 months, some get nothing for years. I think you need to establish some boundaries between you and your wife. She is walking all over you and that is a form of abuse. Women are sinners just like men. They are capable of doing ugly things, just like men. Society paints a false picture of women as being perfect. Some are wonderful and some are awful. But some women are in between. Stand up to her, but do it with love and respect. Go on Google and research getting along with a selfish spouse! That will give you some ideas on how to deal better and fix your marriage. God bless you and be strong!!
Brother, your wife has no respect for you and you let her treat you like a doormat. You are supplicating yourself and that is not attractive. There are so many resources out there. Try “No More Mr. Nice guy” and “Married Man sex life Primer”. Simply put, women are attracted to strength and they respect strength. You can be very strong and kind and loving as the Bible commands; but you can’t be a doormat. Do you lift weights? Do you have a driving purpose in life? Do live in such a way that you project strength and purpose and don’t need anybody to “make” you happy? Do you wine, complain or bring you problems to your wife? You are being abused. You can change, but you can’t negotiate attraction, and you can’t do enough housework to be attractive. Everything you were ever told by your Mom and Aunts was wrong. “Just be yourself” “The right girl will eventually come along”, “Do the dishes and she will want you.” What utter self-serving feminist drivel. Do the dishes because you love her and wish so serve the Lord by serving others, but never do something to get something. That kind of quid-pro-quo is worthless. It may be a long road, but women are created to responds to a man. It sucks, but you are the reason she is acting this way. Act like a leader and a strong man and she will respond. It has worked for me and I used to be in your position.
Best, Steve
Married over 45 years and really never had a sex life. I thought I married for love, as for my husband I really don’t know why. It wasn’t love, that’s for sure. We’ve never slept with each other, we never talk or do other married stuff. He has no interest in other people, wants to be totally on his own and alone
Autism spectrum disorder!!!!
My husband has been sick since February. He is fully recovered now but he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I’ve tried all I know but to no avail. I’m missing him. I want to have him but he is avoiding me. What can I do? I love him. I can’t cheat on him.
You must not like sex or do it very long. I’m not being satisfied if I did what you said to do, that is, act likes it’s me not wanting sex. We would never have sex, maybe once a month. Men must have sex; it’s one of the things that makes us feel like a man. When my wife tells me no, it’s rejection it’s not “oh ok, I’ll act like it’s me not wanting sex.” Really, when a man gets an erection he is ready. Woman don’t know that feeling. Have you ever wondered why so many men had concubines? Come on men must have sex like food and water.
This is simply not true. The Bible talks about trusting in the flesh. This is like selling your birthright for beans. Sexual arousal is inevitable, to give in to it is not. How hungry did Jesus get after 40 days in the wilderness?
The need for love is equally painful. A deep sad longing that makes you almost choke to death from grief. But I’m not dead yet. I can’t force anyone to love me.
When men say this I get angry. Like the feeling of arrousal is a demand that must be met at ALL costs.
It is trusting in the flesh. No sexually immoral person will inherit the kingdom of God. This includes sinning against women because of a feeling in your pants.
I wanted to come back and post some thoughts. Today we all want to dumb down men and everyone wants to not offend or say something to offend. I’m a man, when I need sex from my wife I expect that to happen, just like if she isn’t hungry she can still make me something to eat. Men cheat because they are not being taken care of from the wife. It’s like pulling teeth to get my wife to have sex. She should realize what what a blessing it is to have a husband still desire her going on 13 years. The Bible is clear not to withhold sex, period. If we said not to withhold food and we did, everyone that read this would be sending bad notes to the person that is withholding. You get my point. Men feel rejected when a wife says “No” we feel kicked to the curb. Sex is so awesome and is actually very good for both. Maybe some men don’t do it well or lack of communication. I know this, men must have sex. Woman must understand that period.
Not true. Still hearing this over and over again in these posts: I must have sex, I just must have it. What if your wife became injured and you had to go without it for the next 20 years?
Do you demand your wife buy you a new car when she has no money?
Demands are selfish, self serving and sinful.
I love her with all of my heart, she’s the one, the only one, and she knows it, there’s nothing I refuse to do for this women. We’ve been together for 16 and married for 5 years, everything was perfectly until we got married.
NOW she starting deny me and avoiding sex, I’m tired of being reject by the women I love, it’s killing me. She says she loves me and wants sex but only one time on a week. She says, I’m not in the mood right now, I’m not feeling good, my belly is hurting, I have a headache, when I want sex.
SHE controls me! I can’t even talk with female friends because of her and she denies me in bed. I don’t want a divorce, we have 3 kids together and I love this women, but I can’t handle this anymore. I respect her and I would do everything to save this relationship, but she is pushing me away. What men do when his wife refuses to having sex with him for no reason?
Now I’m going to cheat, stoping help her, and not give her love, that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to do this but I can’t take anymore.
Hi Sanches, I know this reply is much later… but we both know the outcome if you go down the path you describe in the last line of your message here above. Are you sure you want to do these things?
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren. Have you told her in a tactful but in a firm way, what you have written here? Your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms that you are very unhappy and that you need a change! Perhaps these sites will help you?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc&ebc=ANyPxKpLZLtiWBH46qLTFZeCnnWJIAWHmu7mB1obzYFMvQMDAjqrwWR6mQKv-j-OLIe8y50Oas8-JXxXdBBpcH-Jv
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
I very much hope these comments help… WP (Work in Progress)
This is a helpful article, probably one of the most helpful I’ve read in the last 6 months on the topic. However it does approach from the point of view of a wife who recognises a problem and wants to do something about it. This is often not the case.
In my case, and several others I’ve read, my wife does not see zero intimacy as a problem. She says we should just focus on trying to ‘be happy’ rather than let problems get us down. She actually told me that she doesn’t want to have sex ever again. For me that is hard to deal with. I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond as a Christian man. Individually I am learning how to cope with this long term, but I very much sense that there is a lack of true closeness and sharing, which gets worse as the months and years go by. I don’t demand sex from my wife, and in the past if there was any inclination that my wife didnt want to I simply couldn’t and wouldn’t do it.
Ladies, please understand that when my wife tries to cut out all intimacy from our marriage, I feel that she does not want me as a soul mate in her life. It is as simple as that. Intimacy and sex is a way of declaring that you personally accept and want someone, without it, doubts creep in. Maybe that’s just how my brain is wired, but that’s how it feels to me. She has issues of abuse from her past which are never discussed. That I can understand, and I’m longing to patiently walk by her side as she deals with them or we deal with them as a couple. However, when she lets these things come between us long term it is evident that the inconvenience or hurt of working through them is more significant than her feelings for me and our relationship.
Without her actually telling me anything about what she’s feeling, I have to draw my own conclusions. In this situation the only thing that makes sense is that she simply doesn’t like me that much any more; she doesn’t want a divorce, but doesn’t want a marriage. At one point she said she thinks getting married was a mistake.
On the outside we are a loving family with beautiful children. On the inside our marriage is empty and I feel extremely lonely. My biggest concern is not the sex, it’s the lack of oneness that this signals. We set a poor example for our children, we are less effective for God, and I fear that our relationship is not robust to last.
I would never consider cheating but I have seriously considered suicide on several occasions. We don’t have any addiction, infidelity, violence, or money issues, certainly as far as I can tell.
Sorry for the long rambling post. Happy to take advice.
I may as well give you more details of our situation. I suppose it’s a brain dump of my feelings in the hope that someone will take compassion and respond with some ideas.
The sex is gone but worse now is that I don’t feel loved.
Simple physical gestures like holding hands on a walk or at an anniversary meal get rejected with “I don’t want to hold your hand”
She told me she sometimes regrets marrying me
She said she never wants to have sex again
Genuine efforts of support and positive communication are met with antagonistic responses followed by anger that we have stressful conversations. I feel trapped by this problem because not talking is not an option either.
I need practical steps I can take that will be taken positively because all the feedback I’m getting is that our relationship is unwanted. If this were to happen while we were dating it I would take it as a clear sign to stop.
I don’t think I have the emotional strength to pretend like things are ok.
I’m trying to change my behaviour so that she might love me again. I don’t know if this is the right approach but I’m trying and failing and will keep trying for as long as I can.