It’s often said that grandchildren are “the dessert of life” for those of us who have them. And we can attest to that! They are a delight to our hearts and lives! Grandparents have all the fun without the responsibility (unless you are raising them, of course).
But what happens when these children, who delight your heart so much, are torn apart by divorce?
What happens to your ability to be able to be such a big part of their lives in the present and future? This is particularly relevant if your son or daughter doesn’t have custody of the children (and there is a huge relationship strain involved which puts you on the “outs”).
Heartbreaking Situation for Grandparents
It’s heart-breaking enough for all involved — especially the children. They are no longer able to have both parents living with them in the same home. But then, not to have the ability to have their grandparents as involved in their lives like before, makes life even tougher for them.
And what about the grandparents? They say that the children are the innocent victims in a divorce. And they are. But the (non-interfering) grandparents also become victims. That is because they are most often caught in the fray of all that comes with divorce. Their ability to be with their grandchildren is many times limited. And sometimes it’s even cut off because of the changes and the tension of the situation.
What are grandparents able to do, so they can still be involved in the lives of their grandchildren?
Please read the following article, written by Rachel Pollack, so you can gain a clearer understanding of this situation:
• Grandparents Struggle to Hold on After Divorce
Below is a link to a related article we recommend you read that gives grandparents ideas on:
• Helping Grandkids Survive Divorce
Also:
The following are tips “for Parents Whose Children are Getting a Divorce.” These tips were posted on a web site that is no longer on the Internet. We don’t know the author, but believe these tips are too wise to have them disappear. (If you know who penned these tips, please let us know how to contact that person and acknowledge them.) In the meantime:
Here are some do’s, don’ts, and tips to help you handle things when your son or your daughter says, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting a divorce.”
Don’t become personally involved in your child’s divorce.
Don’t ask your friend, the lawyer, to represent your son or daughter.
Don’t go to meetings between your son or your daughter and his or her lawyer.
Don’t let your son’s or daughter’s divorce affect your relationship with your other children.
Don’t interfere with your son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s visitation rights with your grandchildren.
Don’t say bad or derogatory things about your child’s spouse in front of your grandchildren.
Control your protective instincts and avoid becoming caught up in the nastiness of the “he said—she said” side of divorce. Recognize that divorce and family break ups are highly charged emotional events and can easily erupt into violent situations. Take precautions to protect your family’s safety.
Tell your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more than ever during and after a divorce. Do listen to your son or daughter if he or she confides in you about the breakup of the marriage; be supportive, but don’t say things that will fuel feelings of anger, distrust, anxiety, or hopelessness.
In Addition:
Don’t help your child hide money or assets. If you’re caught, in addition to becoming a party to your child’s divorce or a legal action after the divorce, you could jeopardize your own assets.
Do pay extra attention to your grandchildren. Their mom and dad may become so caught up in their own feelings about the divorce, that they will unintentionally fail to spend enough time listening to and doing things with their children.
Realize that your grandchildren’s schedule of life will be drastically changed. They will be shuffled between dad’s home and mom’s home and each parent may jealously guard his or her time with the children. You may have to make special plans, weeks in advance for family get-togethers so that you have time with your grandchildren.
If either of your grandchildren’s parents will not let you have time with your grandchildren, learn about the grandparent visitation laws in your state, and take legal steps enforce those rights if necessary.
Your grandchildren need you during and after their parent’s divorce. Call them on the phone, e-mail them, write letters, send cards, and spend time with them.
If your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law will have custody of your grandchildren, talk to him or her about your access to your grandchildren. Understand that it will probably be uncomfortable for everyone and that you may be met with resistance, resentment and suspicion. Plan, in advance, for ways you can reduce those feelings.
Become involved in making “new” family traditions for your child and grandchildren to replace those lost in the ending of your child’s marriage.
Attend your grandchildren’s special events, such as sports games, recitals, and school affairs where families are invited.
Plus:
If there are allegations that your son or your daughter has abused or neglected your grandchildren, be prepared for the possibility that you may be ordered by the court to supervise his or her time spent with your grandchildren. Take this responsibility very seriously and assume that you will have to tell the judge, under oath, about what occurred during the times you supervised your child’s access to your grandchildren. During the time that you are charged with this responsibility, never leave your child alone with your grandchildren and be prepared for the possibility that you will become a target of your child’s spouse or ex-spouse.
Do help your child become educated about the divorce process, financial planning, child custody, and recovery from divorce.
If you own property, especially real estate, with your son and daughter be prepared to be named as a party to the divorce proceedings. This is so the court can “divide” the property in which you have an ownership interest.
If your son or your daughter moves into your home during the pendency of his or her divorce, set rules about household chores, payment of household bills, transportation, and payment for room and board. Have your child sign a lease evidencing your agreement and require regular payments.
If your grandchildren, as well as your child, live in your home during the pendency of your child’s divorce, discuss with your child how your grandchildren’s day care, transportation, discipline and social life will be handled.
Lastly:
If your child doesn’t have any money, receive sufficient financial support, or have enough income to pay for everything that he or she is supposed to, plan for the possibility that you may become a secondary source of financial support for your child and grandchildren.
If you loan your child money to pay for your child’s or your grandchildren’s living expenses, always do it with a promissory note. If possible, secure your loan with any property that your child may receive in the divorce or with your child’s future earnings. Make sure that you charge a reasonable rate of interest and expect monthly payments.
Plan for the possibility that your child may ask you for large sums of money to pay divorce lawyers and other costs of litigation. If you do provide money, always do it in the form of a loan, charge interest, and demand repayment, but expect that it will take a long time to get your money back, if you ever do. If possible, secure your loan with any property or fee award that your child may receive in the divorce.
Tell your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more than ever during and after a divorce.
We hope you find these tips helpful (and we hope we can find out who wrote them).
Consideration, Please
If you are divorcing, please consider the grandparents, and their grandchildren… your children. I know you have a lot that you are trying to juggle, especially emotionally. But please don’t allow the separation of your marriage to block these family members from continuing to develop a loving relationship.
You can put reasonable boundaries into place, but to the best of your ability, please make a way for these family members to still be together, when it is possible.
EVERYONE has the opportunity to benefit in multiple ways if relationship bridges are still allowed to be built with outside family members (even your ex-spouse’s) and your children. Give grace whenever you can.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International compiled and wrote this blog.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce