How Much Sex Is Normal?

sex normal - Dollar Photo unhappy woman lying in bed stressedSo, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.

“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”

Low Sex Drive

Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”

Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”

Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.

How Much is Normal?

So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.

“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”

Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.

Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”

Changes in What is Normal

Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.

“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”

In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”

Negotiate the Times

In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.

“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.

About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”

Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.

Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?

“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”

It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”

This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.

We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.

Scriptures Concerning Sex

The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:

Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions

You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.

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665 responses to “How Much Sex Is Normal?

  1. Love your article! My husband and I were googling “Average times per month married couples have intercourse,” and this came up at the top. Ironically we had just got done doing the deed when it dawned on me: We have been having intercourse daily for almost 6 months straight! So I shared your data with him as he fell asleep and decided to share my mini-bio on sex and marriage.

    We are proud to say we’ve been married 8 years, and we’re both ashamed of the fact we both strayed from our marriage bed. After a 9 month separation finally ended in March of this year, we vowed to be intimate as much as we could emotionally and physically. Why? I’ll tell you why… we spent the other 7.5 years having sex about 11 times as year. I detached emotionally and physically after the two kids came early in our marriage and my husband’s desire to pursue his own business left me hating & resenting him for all of the above.

    Your definition listed that a sexless marriage equalled 11 times a year just rocked me. The Bible verse at the end made me realize that I am his and he is mine. How special to be owned and to own your best friend and know that my body is his gift/reward for my husband being a righteous man and honoring me by not straying and providing all that he has promised. To understand your husband and really connect with him you need to give freely to him and put aside your uncomfortable opinion on how you may look physically; he chose you.

    But if you’re thinking about divorce because you feel he’s not into you anymore, go the extra mile and give before you recurve and just push pause on life and lay beside him after sex and express your joy for being able to have this moment with him. Because one day if you fail to give enough you very well may be the one being served with divorce papers. Women seek verbal gratification, while men are more hard wired for physical gratification. How hard is it to make love every day? Not hard at all, he is my beloved and I am his.

    1. THANK YOU Christy. I couldn’t have said it any better. This is so much like the realization I came to years ago. My husband’s approach to intimacy is different than mine, but that’s okay. The more we give to each other, the closer we become on so many levels –even our differences are becoming less and less. May God bless you as you give to your husband and he gives to you. May your marriage be a blessing to others too, inspiring others to work on their own issues so they can better come together in the sanctity of marriage.

  2. I need an opinion. I am a newlywed. Prior to our marriage my husband was opened minded to making love, being seductive. It was unreal. I explained and he knew right from the beginning my libido is very high. I love making love, feeling that closeness, and giving myself to him as he was giving himself to me. We’re both in our early 50’s. Both have disabilities, sometimes more so him. And I work with him so I can try to fulfill his needs too.

    Lately I go to bed barely being touched. I try to lean in. But feel like I’m in separate beds. He is my best friend. I love him with all my heart. We waited and found each other over 30 years. I loved him as a teen and moved away because he didn’t express the same feelings for me. I know he isn’t out with other women. He has no respect for men who sleep around or stray. But I’m feeling left out. Passionate things are not there… a hug, reaching out to hold my hand, or just a soft passionate kiss. I am a hands on woman. Maybe I want to make love too much. But I think it’s wonderful when 2 become one. Nothing better than that closeness to me.

    Some of his comments have been bad. He said I must be used to this high sex drive from my prior relationships. But it’s not that. I gave myself to my husband as I thought we would be one. I do feel so sad about this and don’t want to feel resentment. I’m afraid to lean into him to show affection, fearing I will not get it back, as it has happened. It hurts a lot. Again, at the beginning he seemed to be having fun with sex, seduction being erotic, passionate. But it seems to become an excuse of medical problems for which we both have. If I see he is in pain. I stop. If I’m in pain I keep going to satisfy my man.

    I go to sleep feeling alone. And wake up feeling alone. And it doesn’t have to be 24/7 making love but that closeness, cuddling just knowing that we’re together. We’ve tried different things and sometimes in the heat of it all, I may be peaking to no end. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t want it to end? It’s like an out of body experience… a wonderful feeling.

    Last night was that for an instant, only to end in barely talking after. Because I was satisfied over and over, I thought that is a good thing. A man takes a while to come back. Where, as a woman, I thought he would be pleased to have a woman who is in tune with her body, sexual desires, being intimate to no end. Then it ended in not talking after what I thought was my most amazing experience I’ve shared with my husband. I thought I had pleased him. And as I said, my drive is there.

    I would have made love anytime with him. He could wake me up. I would be there for him anytime. Is there something wrong with my sex drive? Is there something wrong with me wanting to be close with the one I love? When I’m with him fully I feel like an out of body experience and he thinks I do things to get him mad. But it’s called passion, heat of the moment. I’m lost on this one. But please let me know if there is something wrong with me. I cannot help my libido is high. I explained from the beginning. And I see a lot of woman or men don’t want to make love to there other half. I don’t want that. I want my man to be happy as I want to also. I think that brings you to another level and then to be able to talk about it in a good way is wonderful. Not in a negative way. My drive is because my husband is turning me on. Only to be turned off right after words come out of his mouth.

    Now another thing. I said we just got married. He took the license because 1st one was misplaced and went the other day to get duplicate to get notarized, and have to do this within a few weeks to get this or it’s just a paper of nothing. It’s supposed to be sent brought in to make it final. Now he took out of the location it was. Never knew until I asked. And he took it in case things did not work. And so I would I would not send it in. I was in tears thinking what kind of woman does he think I am He made me feel like a no good Monster? I swore I would never marry again and I thought I married my best friend. My love I had waited 30 plus years for. Only to wonder now. Was this wedding a big joke!? Only one will know if the marriage license is brought in a few weeks.

    But in the same it’s leaving a bad taste in my mouth. So for now even though we went through the Vows. I don’t know if I am married or not. So all in a nut shell. I have my own home and he has his. So financially I need nothing of his. I am independent woman and don’t need a man to support me in anyway. So we are supposed to be Newlyweds. Please, someone help me. Is there something wrong with me? Should I feel depressed and having resentment with my life, where I stand with my now situation?

    My feelings are broken. My life seems to be shattered. I just don’t know which way to please him. Conversations don’t seem to get but angry. I just want to be in love and know I am loved by the man I thought I just married. But I think there is a trust thing going right now. And I don’t know whether to keep trying or walk. I am feeling a bit beat down right now. Am I wrong. Is it wrong I am 51 female to have sex drive like this, to want passion in my life? I always had it.

    I thought I was blessed that I still have this drive. I see everyone talking about their Spouse or them not wanting to make love. And maybe once a month. When I would love it more. And add a date night in there. Flowers or dinner out alone from the man you love. And to hear a man you love tell you that you look beautiful. That was another hurtful thing. Never heard that the day of our wedding! I told him he looked handsome. And I was just there… Please someone help me with advice. Am I wrong for wanting to be passionate, making love, cuddling, sharing and expressing my love. I had this before marriage. And mind you I just got married Aug 23, 2014. So am I in a bad situation.

    It’s hard to express my feelings to him. When I make love what happens in bed is sacred. I do like to spice it up. And in the heat of the moment it is what it is. He’s sleeping now and I would love to wake him in a nice way. But worried about rejection. Please let me know what you think. Do you think he doesn’t want to be married? And I should just walk away? Because if I just went through this marriage for which I thought we were joined as one under God’s eyes. And this license is not filed. I will have to walk away and never look back. I’m so hurt right now. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like my dreams are being shattered. Image the man you loved since a teen then finding each other after 30 yrs. Expressing your love for each other and then this. I am far from perfect. But I don’t think anyone deserves this treatment. Please let me know what you think. Do I try again talk to him, or walk? If I’m not married I will walk with my head down in shame. Thank you; have a Blessed Day,

  3. How much sex is normal? Married 47 years and according to my husband once is all he ever wanted! Since weve been married he thinks sex is pointless, disgusting, messy, smells like old garbage, waste of time and effort. Told me he wanted nothing to do with sex from me or any one else. He has spent our entire marriage in our basement. I, on the other hand, have no idea how muck sex is normal. I’m going on 70 now and really don’t care any more. You can’t miss something you’ve only had once.

  4. I don’t know where to begin! My husband & I have been married 10 yrs & have 3 children. When we first got married I loved sex! Then we had our 1st child & my husband became verbally abusive! He was a closet drinker for years & has since stopped drinking. But he’s still verbal w/me & the kids. He has a very high sex drive & mine is now a negative! He likes to have anal done on him & I’m very uncomfortable doing that! He says that it takes him to the next level of an orgasm. I feel it’s a sin even if you are married!!

    I found out 4 years ago he has an addiction to pornography & has been addicted since he was in the 6th grade. His idea of love making & my idea are two different things! He thinks “pornsex” is love & I feel it most definitely is not! I recently put a web protection on our PC because of our boys, & I didn’t give him the password & he got very upset with me. Now he’s having a hard time having an orgasm. I really feel super hatred towards him! I want to leave him. But I don’t want our babies growing up in a divorced home.

  5. This is BY FAR the biggest point of contention in my marriage. I find my wife to be unbelievably gorgeous, even after almost 20 years together and 2 kids, and my desire for her is as high as it’s ever been. She couldn’t care less about sex and it drives me crazy. I wish I knew what it would take to change her thinking. I’ve tried pretty much everything I can think of and even tried to become what she said she wished I would be (more affectionate even when I’m not wanting sex). It didn’t change anything. I would do absolutely anything if I knew it would work. It’s hard to be happy when you think your wife doesn’t give a rip about you. When I see testosterone commercials that imply that the woman wishes her man had a greater sex drive, I want to throw the remote at the TV. That’s not the issue in my house. -DESPERATE FOR CHANGE

    1. I know this seems like a crazy question to some people, but has she ever had an orgasm? Like a true full throttle ORGASM? You would be surprised of how many women have not had an orgasm. Which is sad honestly. Even women who have had orgasms don’t have them every time they have sex because honestly their husband doesn’t think about the women finishing, but rather only themselves.

      I, on the other hand, have the pleasure of having an extraordinary husband with a touch of intimacy that goes beyond just sex, but having him give me an orgasm every single time we have sex!! He makes me go any way I please and I can even have one during actual intercourse with the help of his movements. He is ideal. Now none of this is saying you do anything wrong and maybe your wife has had an orgasm, but if she is unsure in anyway then she hasn’t. You know when you experience one! I hope this helped.

      1. May I suggest & share something that worked for me? It’s reasonable & healthy & realistic. If both partners in these almost non existent sexless marriages want the marriage to survive along with prayers & belief, here is both an assignment & homework that was given to my husband & I from a sex therapist we saw when we were going thru some of these issues.

        I feel after reading many of these heartbreaking & painful situations, I’m compelled to share & this really ought to be proposed. I think all of these partners should take this assignment seriously. This isn’t a joke. I’m very serious. The assignment is to have sex with each other (of course) for a full week straight… once each day or night or at whatever point that sex can take place. If it means setting alarm clocks to wake up earlier than usual or it means staying up later than usual or waking in the middle of the night. It should be mandatory for the sake of your marriage & out of showing your partner the respect they deserve, showing they mean something to you & you care & love them enough about them to give this of yourself to them, that you would rather be the one to meet their needs, bringing them pleasure & satisfying them rather then have them go else where to have their need met.

        Show them that your marriage is something you value & that your partner means enough to you that regardless of whether you want sex or not, show you’re willing to do this exercise to prove to them & yourself that you want & care & love your partner & your marriage. I’m not proposing putting an hour into sex, if it lasts 5 minutes or 5 hours, just saying.

        If we have partners that are not willing to give up a week to meet the needs & sexually satisfy their partner or at least make a serious attempt at it, that gives you the answer as to how you’ll need to proceed in your relationship if there’s something there worth keeping or salvaging, if you’ll continue to be together in such sad conditions then you have chosen this. If the partner makes it clear by non compliance that there won’t be any change, then obviously they’re saying you aren’t worth not just sex, but the relationship.

        They’ve shown if they aren’t even willing to do or commit to something this easy for the sake of proving the marriage & partnership are still of very much of importance to them, then clearly you know where you stand & you know that they aren’t interested in holding up their end of the marriage. God, did not put people in marriages so they could endlessly be abused, or continually punished.

        Considering the kinds of things that I’m sure each of us has done for our partners at one time or another, that we didn’t necessarily want to do, or sacrifices we’ve made along the way that we haven’t necessarily wanted to make, the point is we have & did & continue to, why because we love & value our partners & our marriages so, the least our partner can do is be mature enough & participate in this short lived exercise & do this for the other. I don’t think their should be any objections or it’s too much to ask, personally I really don’t.

        It will establish several important things & provide the clarity as to let each know where they stand & if there is even a marriage, it allows the partners to gain the much needed perspective on their marriage & view each other as a priority as they should & it allows the opportunity for these couples to connect &/or reconnect on this level again, not to mention giving them the release & relief necessary for both their mental & physical well being that these partners are entitled to, withholding sex as well as, withholding communication is a form of abuse & control, neither of these things are tolerable or should be tolerated in any marriage & nobody should have to put up with or accept this behavior because it’s unacceptable, not to mention the partner doing the with holding is setting up the possibility of infidelity, it’s very unhealthy & unfair.

        The withholding partner sends a message that they no longer care & that they have given up & that their partners needs aren’t important. That’s something that should speak loud & clear by their refusal to participate in this exercise, remember what we get is what we allow, if this simple 7 days of sex once a day can’t be met then it can’t be any clearer as to where you stand.

        It’s only fair then that the partner decides what is in their best interest since the other obviously doesn’t care. If they do then they’ll participate even if they do find it to be silly, stupid, aggravating etc… Their participation in this would give them the chance to redeem themselves in their partners eyes if in fact they are serious in wanting to stay committed & prove they value their marriage as well as their partner, & show maturity & less selfishness & show the consideration for the other that needs to be seen & felt & make time for each other to do it.

        Those who don’t & aren’t willing then seriously ask yourself what you are doing with them to begin with & know that now at least now the proof will be in front of you both & then they should do what is right according to how their partner may want to proceed & do so without any objection or hassles to or towards their partner because they are the ones who made it clear. Those that are serious & give this a try will be glad they did.

  6. If you ask my husband he would say once in 45 years. That’s where we are at now, he hates sex. To him it’s lame, disgusting, messy, smelly, sticky and not worth the time, Also humans don’t need sex, porn, gays, kids; it’s all stupid.

    1. Amy, you said it was once in 47 years in your previous post. You also post similar stories under names like “Anna.” And you said your husband retired to the garage with no appliances, but a user named “Toni” bragged about moving to the garage to avoid his wife of 46 years. What gives?

  7. I love my wife, she loves me and we have sex regularly. However, it is not regular enough for me. She is aware of this, but has in her mind how much sex is “good enough.” I wish she would get out of her mind a particular number for how often we make love. In reality, each should be in charge of the other’s body. There are times when she really desires it and I do not. However, I perform always as I see it to be my duty as her husband. I wish this attitude were mutual. I think if God were a larger part of our relationship that this would not be an issue.

    1. Karl, Your comment resonates with me. My partner and I also love each other but I am dissatisfied. She has a medical condition, which complicates matters but to which I am also sensitive. For me, the bottom line is I have never refused sex, whatever I am feeling, and for her a refusal is very common. Our frequency is little more than once a month and initiation is almost always from me and fraught with danger of an argument.

      Keith

      p.s. In case anyone thinks it is relevant, I am 61 and my partner is 53 (and post menopause).

  8. It’s funny how you all are so wrong because sex is not for pleasure it’s simply to have a baby. In the Bible it says that. In a way it says that practically anything you do pleasurable is a sin. So if you are a Christian then you shouldn’t have sex unless you’re having a kid. It’s that simple.

    1. Your comment is ridiculous. Sex is a spiritually bonding act. For humankind it is much more than for pro-creation. That is A major seperation between us AND animals. The Bible praises marital sex as much more than what you claim. Read Song of Solomon for Pete’s sake. It’s a gift for marital couples to enjoy that deepens the love bond between the two when it is spiritually in the right place.

    2. I hope for your marriages sake that you have so much trouble conceiving that you end up having a whole lot of sex, and enjoying it. Then after finding you really love sexual intimacy, that you find yourselves pregnant. God gave your wife a clitoris for one purpose: pleasure. Now go pleasure her.

    3. I would mostly agree. Sex has never been a bonding thing for me, ever. I’m 50 now, been married for about 26 years. In the beginning it was driven by hormones and physical need of a younger body. Once I hit my 40’s both start going away. Right now, I don’t care if I ever have sex again. I don’t have the hormones or the need. I’m taking meds for it but they do not increase the desire. Sex is not something my body wants or frankly even enjoys anymore. Once the hormones are gone sex is a very disgusting thing really.

      I am one of those people that do not experience deep emotional bonds. Sex does not give the feeling of bonding or joining of souls or anything. It was a need of the body.

      As you get older, the body starts telling you when it’s done doing certain things…sports, long distance running, lifting heavy objects and yes even sex. It’s a fact of life.

      1. Ok. So your worn out at 40. Incapable to have or want sex after 40? Sounds like heavy weight gain. So is your wife also ok with your lazy couch potatoe life style now?

    4. You sound un-human. The bible encourages the wife to swallow her husbands seed. Read the song of Solomon.

      1. This is the most profane comment I have read here so far. I can’t even find the subject this comment fits, and can only imagine that there is a sick fantasy on the lose, which needs to be taken captive by God’s Word and the power of His Holy Spirit.

        Also where exactly does Solomon encourage the act of a man’s seed be destroyed by his wife’s stomach acids? I just can’t recall that, but what I do recall is a guy named Onan, whom God punished with death for waisting his seed on the ground. Hmm…may God have mercy on and bless you with wisdom and understanding through His Holy Spirit!

  9. Good morning, This is more of a request for advice. My wife is 51 and has a rule that sex must occur 9:30 pm or later at night. We’ve a good marriage otherwise, with communication, and we are Christians.

    We used to be more intimate at a full range of times. We’ve had discussions about being more flexible on timing, but it always comes down to her schedule and need.

    Any resources I should consider? I’ve thought about making an appointment with a Christian Counselor. Mark

  10. Hello I’m a 27 wife and my husband is 37. I really enjoy my marriage except for our sexual life. We care a lot for each other, we demostrate love in other ways and we almost never argue. We both are in good shape and we do not have money issues nor kids. The thing that’s killing me from the inside is that we almost never have sex and we’re only 2 years married. I’ve tried wearing sexy clothes, being spontaneous, telling him that I would love to be together and also taking the initiative. Nothing I do works. We’re lucky if we haxe sexual relations every two to three months. What should I do? Should I accept this way is going to be my marriage and just focus on the other great things in our lives? Should I tell him how I feel but I’m scared of making him feel bad or damaging my relationship.

    1. Wow! Perhaps he has erectile dysfunction and is ashamed? You picked an older guy whose testosterone levels are dropping rapidly at that age. You may need to force the issue to get acknowledgement. I am in an opposite situation; 31, with a bit older wife. She surprised me by wearing a sexy outfit 2 weeks ago, which I had bought for her a couple years back. It was amazing. Now yesterday, when she was showering/preparing herself to make love, I brought the outfit and heels into the bathroom. She was immediately offended and said I should accept her the way she is and that sexy outfits are her choice. It immediately turned into a near divorce argument, especially when I stated we hadn’t had sex in 2 weeks because she’s always exhausted and she scorned me for keeping track. I do all the work anyway, including making her orgasm everytime, so the exhausted excuse doesn’t really fly with me. Why can’t we all just have happy regular sex and get along?

      1. Because that would be one less thing for wives to complain about-can’t have THAT now, can we?

    2. Wow. I feel for you. I am 10 years older than my wife. We went thru the same thing when I was in my late 40’s. She was horney all the time and I was just tired. Turned out my Testostrone was low. Now I am 62 and she has a low sex drive and I want it 3or 4 times a week. Good luck sweetie!

  11. We have had a 14 month miracle. My wife 5’2 weighed 210 pounds at this time last year. She did not care about sex unless she needed/wanted it. Just like the article suggests we had mismatched libidos.

    Then her friend had a marriage crisis. There was an affair, and she began counseling her friend. She spent many hours helping her friend cope with the loss of her marriage. As part of that my wife began to see how her selfishness could be ruining our marriage. She began to take care of herself. She dressed nicely, wore makeup, kissed me when I came home, and made several trips to Victoria’s Secret.

    Suffice it to say she began to initiate sex, and often. We now have been physically intimate everyday for the past year and 2 months. Yesterday we made love before church, and after. We have 3 children, and we still manage to make time for each other everyday. We overlook each other’s faults, we defend each other, we serve and love.

    My wife basically repented of her selfishness, she repented of being fat: In the last year she has gone from a size 16 to a size 4. She looks amazing, she actually weighs less than when I married her 19 years ago.

    I guess I only had hope and prayer left. My prayer had always been that I wanted her to see things my way too. That was selfish. My last prayers were that my wife would see her selfishness and allow herself to trust and love me. She has. God hears and answers prayers. We are such a better couple. We are so much more patient with each other and our kids.

    She also now uses a vibrator in our love making, and this has made a huge difference, as well. She knows she will climax, and does so a few times, sometimes 20 or more in a night.

    I know the Lord loves you and wants your marriage to be happy. Good Luck! God bless.

  12. I’m married and I haven’t had sex for 18 years, not by my choice. Is this normal? I think my husband is gay as he very rarely had sex face to face when we did. Any ideas?

    1. I am sorry to say that it sounds very odd at the least. I think your husband being gay is the least of it. To be married for 18 years and live thru a loveless marriage is a torture in itself. I assume you have asked for an explanation? What does he say?

  13. I’m really looking for some guidance specifically from a woman. I’m a mid 40’s guy married for 12 years or so. We have 4 kids, the youngest is 10 and for the most part they’re great but anyone with kids can tell you there are always worries. The kids stay out of trouble, get excellent grades and play sports a lot. I’m only telling you this because I’m trying to set a scenario. Both my wife and I work from home and are around each other constantly. We work out together in the morning 3 times a week and work hard. We each run our own business and it’s difficult because we’re launching these at the same time. Where we live is expensive and work and money is a major focus, not because we drive expensive cars and replace parenting with money as we do see. But money is a concern!

    Anyway about 7 years ago my wife came to me and said our sex live wasn’t making her happy. She said I wasn’t interested in it enough and she was worried it had changed so much from our early days. I had not really noticed it as we had let the parenting and kids rule over us. I went to talk with my doctor and he ran tests to show I had low testosterone levels and he corrected it. And from then on things were back to good.

    About 3 years ago I went to my wife and said I was concerned. We were not having much sex at all, sometimes nothing for a month or two. I would have been lucky if we did it 2 times a month. I didn’t understand. We worked out together and were happy, work was still stressful, but we were attracted to each other or so I thought. Well I asked her what was going on? She said she wanted to do more things outside the house. Take a night trip here or there and spend time as a family. I told her I wanted to have a more regular sex life. I didn’t expect it to be like the first few years but I missed the closeness and bond we shared. The happiness of our life and being best friends. I felt like I was doing everything she told me she wanted and she wasn’t doing more of what I wanted. Now I wasn’t just asking for sex. I said I missed the random kiss, holding my hand and the occasional “I Love You’.

    It has now been 3 years and nothing has gotten better. I love my wife and don’t even think of another woman. My wife is the most beautiful and sexy woman I know. And yes I do tell her this. She often wants to compare us to other couples we know. Compare the things we do or don’t do to the lives our friends live. As anyone knows when you start a business money is tight but things are really starting to go well. And to be fair we live in a very nice place, have lots of friends and don’t want for much. However things were really bad sexually; I was being turned down a lot and started to feel like a desperate teenager. It really hurt my ego and I told my wife everything I was thinking and feeling. I thought this would be good and always believe in being upfront.

    Now cheating on my wife is out of the question. I have lots of friends, both men and woman, that have affairs, and say its good for their marriage and monogamy is not natural. I don’t care. I believe in the vow I took. But what I started to do is watch some adult geared movies. Not often but occasionally I would record something from the movie channel and watch it. I didn’t hide it but she would get mad about it. I told her I didn’t see the problem considering why I was doing it. I would gladly give it up for time with her. I didn’t feel bad about doing it but maybe I should? Either way as the sex life has continued to darken I’m nearing my wits end. Now I just say nothing. I spend more time with my kids and try to throw myself into other things. I have been upfront with my wife about my feelings but it’s like a broken record. Each time I ask her what I can do? Lose weight? Cook dinner more? I cook 4 out of 7 nights. I do more than half of the stuff around the house, (again just painting a picture).

    Now I’m starting to feel worse and worse. I have no patience when my wife complains about not being able to do this or that. I just feel like a broken record. And now I’m at the point where despite loving her, I don’t feel it’s returned. She never tells me she loves me and the few times I’ve tried to get something romantic going, say after we work out or something, she shuts me down. I’m at the point that if I didn’t have kids I would leave. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. She tells me that guys can take a little blue pill and are ready to go but not women. Mind you she was a very sexual person. So I understand things change but this is a huge change. I don’t know what to do but know that she could go months without sex and I don’t want to. Does anyone have any thoughts?

    1. Sorry for the late reply, here it is: you said: “Both my wife and I work from home and are around each other constantly.” That is the issue. You are around each other too much. You need a job outside of the home. Not sure if I would take a overnight job. You are focused on jobs, money, children, and not each other.

  14. It’s a little crazy to read all the comments about what is considered average sex. So, needless to say my husband and I are having sex about 4-5 times a week. Needless to say when we’re having problem, such as stress, financial issues, relationship problems we tend to cut down to our intimacy. I don’t have an issue doing it this often but my husband sometimes feels as if we aren’t doing it enough and it’s a little frustrating when I tell him no because he takes it to heart and takes it personal (lol) and then that becomes and issue. But overall I’m glad to say that we have a great sex life and hopefully it stays that way.

  15. Hi I’m Edward. It’s so sad to read these articles. I believe advice is the best to get out of a sexless marriage instead of sitting with the heart aches. I’ve got a similar situation and consider separation also.