After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Is this a common perspective amongst the church? It is how I have felt for years but for 24+ years of our 27 year marriage my wife has made it clear that my strong sex drive is abnormal and I am the one with a problem. I really try honor her in that but I seem to be in a regular battle in this area that obviously affects my spiritual walk with the Lord and with my wife. I was encouraged by much of the content because it made me feel like I am not the “monster” but I do want to be compassionate with my wife and her perspective. Please pray for me as I have fallen into the sin of infidelity through this battle for purity and lack consistent intimacy. Thank you, “Desiring a closer pure relationship with my wife.”
The amount of sex drive is usually a person’s opinion. I know a couple in their 70’s that do it 3 times a week, 3 times PER WEEK.
I have been married for 50 years, we have had 4 pregnancies, lost our first child during child birth, and believe it or not I don’t know what my wife looks like on an intimate basis and she has never let me put a finger in her during fore play. We have sex about once every six months. My feeling is that most women want to have a child or more but only want a man to provide the spam to fertilize her egg. What does the Catholic church teach about this issue?
Fingers don’t feel good to any woman unless touching the right spots. But some women don’t like it because we have our own minds. You need to talk to your wife about what feels good to her, period. Clitoral stimulation is universally equal to penis head stimulation in that has the most nerve endings. If you aren’t meeting her needs of affection and attention and mental monogamy then she also will have no desire or inclination to pay attention to the thing that controls you.
I’ve read quite a few articles on the subject, and so far this is the only one that considers a man’s perspective with any degree of validity. The literature is a pretty consistent message of, “Do these simple 507,000 things for your wife for only 14 hours a day for the next six months, with no expectations of anything in return, and we GUARANTEE she’ll come around!” But not your article. No, here, you spell out in detail the “care and feeding” of a husband because that’s what a husband needs, and I’m grateful to you for it.
You are exactly what women don’t need. You are saying I’d better take care of him sexually or I’m creating a monster? How dare you!!!! Whoever wrote this article is sick in the head. It’s my body and if I don’t want want sex it’s my decision not a man’s; you’re really screwed up.
Glad I am not married to you….
When you are in love, giving should not be considered as work, making each other happy should bring a joy. But If you really feel your body belongs to you (in that context) then his paycheck belongs to him, he does not owe you anything because he earned it using his body.
If you are a woman who makes more than him then more power to you, you have every right to say what you have said. However the reality is many women are way more entitled to man’s body legally, because typically in a divorce, even with equal child custody, the higher income (usually men) pay child support and alimony payment penalties (half of their salaries) for decades due to the failed marriages.
The feminist influenced responses like yours are a bid to the huge ego that many women have in Western Civilization. Here we have an article (one out of every 1,000 of similar articles on the topic) that doesn’t cater to the female perspective…and here you are rejecting it. It’s written from first hand experience. The reason many women still would never take this advice is because a lot of women want to CONTROL everything – all the way down to how a man feels about his own sex drive.
And a greater truth, that I shared in a similar thread which got a lot of activity, is that women are the ones who struggle with monotony and monogamy more than men do! Women may not respond to the challenge of it through infidelity at the frequency that men do (even though that’s debatable), but they’ll respond with emotional cheating or by simply not meeting the needs and desires of their husbands (Which is a big deal!) Women have a greater desire for “newness” (shopping, the emotional highs of getting to know someone new, content changes to appearance, etc.). But men have a greater desire for conistency. This article is about Consistency!!!!! No need to bring the feminist minded stuff, men already know what they want – don’t need women to tell us how to view it. Men, stay away from women who won’t even hear what you’re trying to tell them.
Every man on the planet is happy he’s not married to you.
I know I sure am.
I’m a little confused by this article. It is basically saying that men can’t live without sex but before marriage aren’t they supposed to abstinent? So before marriage they can go without sex and then suddenly after marriage, it becomes a necessity that must be taken care of every few days? I’m not saying that wives should constantly deprive their husbands of sex but if husbands are supposed to love their wives like they love themselves, why can’t they compromise as well?
For example if a wife is too tired to have sex because she has a full-time job and still has the responsibility for doing most of the domestic chores maybe a good idea might be for him to help out more so that she’s less tired and then they can get frisky? Or if he wants it every three days and she wants it every two weeks maybe they compromise to once a week?
What you say is correct, but we guys are visual, contact beings. We like contact with our wives. It gives us confidence. My wife can take a few minutes for sex afterwards I am a working fool! The few minutes of sex equals to hours of work from me. Nothing to lose.
But Bob, is your wife satisfied after a few minutes? I know I wouldn’t be. A few minutes is no use to most women. Sounds like sex is just to satisfy a physical need that you have.
Talking about hitting the nail on the head! I’m a guy and I must say the way you describe this issue (using some well thought of comparisions) makes it very recognisable. Full of good advice for women who find themselves in the same situation you found yourself in your situation. Good comparisons! The chocolate comparison is a very good one. The one about the snack and the banquet also. Nice.
My wife and I have been married over 40 years. We are always working together on our intimacy, but have gone through very long bouts (years) without intercourse because of health issues. We still remain very affectionate and loving, and of course there are wonderful ways to share intimacy which are alternatives to intercourse. In marriage, be free to go and explore the land! I do think that men have the ability to be self controlled if they are in an intimate relationship with God first.
However, God’s Word does say that in marriage we should not withhold ourselves from the other except for prayer and fasting. Personally, I would never pressure or demand my wife for a need when I know she is physically not up to it. It is at those times when just holding each other is a great reward. When a partner expresses a need for intimacy physically, it is good to work out how that need can be met.
Marriage is God’s way for expressing physical intimacy and meeting our need for that kind of personal love and care. As someone has said He will hold us accountable for every good gift He presented to us of which we did not take full advantage. Working through the obstacles takes two mature people who love each other. It is work and at times sacrifice, but it is worth it. God bless you all.
I like that someone put this into this prospective. I don’t believe it’s true for all men. I happen to have a high sex drive. My husband and I got together when he was 17 and I was 18 and I always thought that his sex drive would improve. I tried everything, first porn, then strip clubs. I had to drag him into the strip clubs. I was adventurous and asked him what he wanted. I did anything he wanted. I have done everything. Yes, I even included an other girl.
Nothing improves his sex drive, still twice a month if I’m lucky. The only time he jumps me is if another man looks at me or tries to talk to me. He usually gets all jealous and jumps me like he’s got something to prove. I guess that’s marriage; it’s a compromise. I guess I’m the monster. I want chocolate and sex. It seems to be our only lasting argument.
I truly don’t believe that it is only men with a high sex drives. If I could I would have some form of sex daily or more. I think about sex constantly. My cousin who is a woman is the same way. We joke about it to each other, because we are both married women and we both think about sex constantly and we both have higher sex drive than our husbands. It’s not easy to be married to someone with a lower sex drive. No I’ve never cheated, but I fantasize a lot. I believe the description in this article is correct but it’s not fair to say it’s only men. There are some of us women who feel the same way.
“Chocolate and sex” sorry, I had to laugh! Love it! Try not showing him any sensual attention or bring up sex at all. Be loving but not sensual. Even for a month or 2. See if he starts noticing you. After the month, Accidentally let him see private parts while in living room or kitchen. Sleep nude.
Why do women find it their place to speak for other women. I find it frustrating as a woman when women speak from a subjective standpoint about sexuality. I’m a single woman who is very irritable about not having sex for years.
In the Christian community there is no help for women struggling with strong sexual needs. Women are viewed as sexless.
Wow, that’s lovely this woman was able to find a balance that works for both. I’m 35, fit, no history of abuse, nor religious upbringing that made me feel dirty. I enjoyed sex very much up until my son was born. I felt tired and touched out. I 100% didn’t want to get pregnant again, so I went back on depo shot which killed my sex drive so I went off it and 2 years later same. I never think about sex, but feel once a week is dutiful. I love my hubby and want him happy, but at what expense?
I’ve done all the books and magazine strip teases and foreplay( which even after showing him how/where after an hour of this I’m raw) my body just doesn’t respond. sex is painful because I can’t self-lubricate-even with KY which caused irritation and infection. I switched to organic coconut oil. I only get feminine issues after sex. If he finishes in me 1/2 the time it upsets the PH, smells rancid, drips out. So I ask him to pull out. He doesn’t like that at all. I try to not let on how painful It is, try to appear like I’m not miserable make appropriate sounds etc. after I hobble to bathroom wash up and go outside smoke and sob.
I become very depressed for days after sex, even longer at times. I’ve told him many times before, but get accused of lying, not loving him, or not caring enough about his needs which causes anger & arguments. I try my best not to rock the boat now. I pray and exercise to keep my outlook positive. We’ve done the whole being close no sex, but he gets aroused and gets angry or pouty if he can’t have it. The physical pain and emotional pain of being coaxed into doing something I don’t want to do in order to make someone else happy has caused a negative association.
Normally I’m happy and positive but it’s starting to effect other areas of my life. Either way one of us is upset or hurt. I’m beginning to feel hopeless that life is just unfair and I’ll have to endure this till I die. Maybe divorce is best. At least he could be free to fulfill his needs and I can be without this burden and stress and my child won’t have to see results of these interactions between us.
The main side effects are to Depo-Provera
•mental/mood changes (such as new or worsening depression),
•changes in sexual interest or ability,
Amanda, you need to try another form of birth control. Something non-hormonal. You may be getting perimenopausal, it can start in your 30’s. but you still are young. Go to OBGYN, explain all this to them, including depression, could be some underlying issue, infection or STD. About husband, I cant say much; guys are touch & sight beings. When me and my wife are ‘together’ my thoughts and eyes stay home.
Bob, I think her husband needs to stop reacting the way he does and try to show a little understanding. She isn’t doing this on purpose and his attitude is driving her further away. He should believe her when she tries to explain things to him. Boundaries need to be set until he realizes how difficult this is for her.
He is selfish; he is putting himself before you, which is biblically incorrect. What if you had a daughter with the same issue? Would you tell her to put up and shut up? NO WAY! You’d tell her to get professional medical help; she/you might have endometriosis.
Susan, Selfish he is not. Need medical attention and counselling she obviously does. It’s so frustrating to me. My wife was insatiable until she hit menopause. She loved sex, loved the babies we made and initiated often. We probably had sex 2-3 times a week for most of our marriage, until menopause. Now she has no interest in me, and has taken to blaming me. I haven’t changed, she is the one that changed yet it is my fault?
If I brought food home 3 times a week for decades and then suddenly I stopped and my wife said where is the food for us to eat and I said I’m not into food anymore would that be normal or fair? Would it now be her fault for expecting me to bring home food and upset that I didn’t?
Another chocolate analogy I love…> Women (generally) love chocolate. Men (generally) love sex. Woman can have chocolate pretty much whenever they want it. They can have it several times a day. They can get it from the gas station , the corner store a snack machine a grocery store anywhere it’s available. They can have white chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate with nuts in etc….etc…
Men love sex. Like women like chocolate. The only problem here is, if we are spouses, then I can only get sex (my chocolate) from my wife. I can’t get it anywhere else. I’m limited in how often I can have it (controlled by my wife) and it’s one flavour, a flavour I love profoundly. If I’m not getting my chocolate from my wife then what’s a husband to do. A wife needs to understand that husbands do have needs, sex is a beautiful perk of marriage, if a wife is not willing to give her husband chocolate then he’s probably going to go looking for chocolate elsewhere. I’m sure there’s a good compromise here somewhere.
ELO, So you think a man who tells his wife who is in pain, that she is lying, doesn’t love him and just continues to get what he wants at her expense, isn’t selfish? Amanda seems to be doing all she can to appease this man and gets scant appreciation and certainly no love or consideration in return. Did you read her comment? Read it again, carefully.
My husband feels frustrated when we don’t have sex. We have sex more than 4 times a week and there are days I just don’t want to, not because I am not attracted or with holding, just want a break from it. He gets frustrated when I have my period because that typically means 2 or 3 days without intimacy. I am not into doing other sexual things at this time, as I just feel like crap and want to just curl up and go to bed. I don’t think this is fair (even on non period days). He says I don’t give him enough attention and at times feels alone. Anyone else have this problem?
4 times a week that is pretty good if you are in your 40’s. If you are in your 20’s that is pretty normal. Wife knows a couple who does it 3 times a week & they are in their 70’s. Hard to base an amount as excessive. Men can be co dependent on their women for sex. Which is not exactly a bad thing. It helps keep his eyes & heart at home. He should not get upset when you cant or when you don’t want to. It is a balance,
What’s a husband to do when his wife puts on 65 or more pounds…and, visually-speaking, truly “turns him off”? She, for her part, refuses to lose the obesity. I figure that she has a psychological problem, going back to childhood. But she has never sought and received professional help…and thinks that I should accept her obesity. That will never happen.
Sorry about the 65 pounds. Lets say she weighed 150 lbs when you met, add 65 lbs, 215 lbs now? My wife weighed 122lbs when we met, now she weighs 176 that is 56 pounds. Honestly she looks better with the additional 56 pounds. I do like some curves on her. I am Greek.
Sounds like you are being hard on her concerning this. Dude, look, sure its not healthy, but she is not 450 lbs. I would rather have a wife with some extra pounds than no wife at all. If you divorce her, the skinny wife you find may constantly cheat on you, her kids steal your money. Love that curvy woman, she may lose weight just from knowing you love & care for her unconditionally.
Very good article, but I am sure my wife of 53 years would disagree with you. She stopped having sex with me about when we were both about thirty five years old. A few times wanted to use her hand which is a insult to me. I have resentment because it seems she stopped loving me. I can understand now that we are old but I reason that she was gay or having sex outside our marriage. She gets mad every time I bring the subject up. I know she’s been lying ever since we were in our thirties. She has robbed me of my sex life and the intimacy of love. I hate her for doing that to me!
The person who wrote this and men need to grow up! What about when a woman has her period for seven days? What does he do then? What about when she gets sick, or after delivering a baby? What about when a man does not have a wife or girlfriend? What do you advise a teenage boy to do with his hormones? Where is the thing called control?
I understand hormones, but none of us can just fulfil every hormonal whim. I again, find that men need to grow up and stop using women as a physical object. Sounds like it’s all about the man, yet he needs to “use” the woman’s body. He needs to learn to get himself off too.
Perpetrating this type of attitude under understanding and education is damaging to say the least. Our hormones do many things to us on many days and again, we need to learn self control. Certainly, you are teaching this behavior to a teenage boy or teenage girl. I feel sorry for your children, and anybody who believes this nonsense.
Diane, I believe you’re taking this article out of context. I happen to know the author of this article and she and her husband have a great marriage–not out of balance at all. Nancy does not mean that if a husband wants to make love you drop everything and go at it. Of course, there are times when “self control” is to be applied. Obviously, if he wants it in a grocery store, or at a concert, or when the wife is sick with a cold, or just had surgery, or is in a coma, or is studying for an exam, etc., etc… the wife is not supposed to jump at his whims. And yes, there are times when wives that want their husbands should have self control when it’s not appropriate or caring. (But this article is addressed to wives–not teenaged boys, or single men, etc. There are other articles posted that addresses others.)
This is general advice that she gives. If she sited all of the different exceptions that are realistic exceptions, the length of the article would go on and on and on, and be never ending, because someone, somewhere would come up with another one. We’re supposed to use common sense with this. Nancy is giving general tips because she knows (and we know, and most anyone who works with marriages knows) that many wives think their husbands are monsters for wanting to make love when they don’t. Yes… there are some monsters out there, just as there are wives that are monsters. But that is more of the exception, rather than the rule. And this article is not addressed to abusers.
Again, please put this article in its general context. This article is addressed in a general way to wives who think a husband should want sex to the degree that she wants it. If she never wants it, then he should just control his desires for her and his bio-chemical needs for her, and deal with it. She leaves him hanging and wondering why she doesn’t love and desire him in the same way he loves and desires her. All of this chinks away at his self-confidence, and makes him wonder if she loves him. Many times the denier does love the other; they just don’t want to make love any longer. But the husband doesn’t understand this because of the deep need he has for her, and her only. It’s a very confusing situation that many times drags on for years and years.
I confess (and have written articles on this) that for years I denied my husband. I just didn’t have the same drive he did. I loved him but because of past sexual abuse from other men, I didn’t want to be touched in that way. (I did in the beginning of our marriage, but eventually my past abuse caught up with me emotionally, and I cut him off.) Sadly, I put my husband in the same “monster” category as I did these other men. And nothing could be further from the truth!
I figured he should just understand my emotional pain and stop asking me to do something that reminded me of my victimization. I felt I had a really good excuse for continually denying him. But in reality, I eventually came to the point of realizing that I was perpetuating the victimization. I was pushing it off on my husband and made him another victim of these men who hurt me. He didn’t deserve that. My husband has never been an abuser. He just wanted to make love to his wife. That is legitimate. I needed to go and get help and put those memories to rest so I could experience normal desires and show love to my husband as he needed it, and we could both enjoy it. To shorten all of this… I got help (it was a very long and painful process), and it was the best thing I could do. I can now love my husband in every way possible, and thoroughly enjoy it. Plus, I am no longer plagued by those painful memories.
I could go on and on as far as exceptions here and there, and give testimony after testimony of wives who eventually became aware of the fact that just because her husband wants her sexually it doesn’t make him into a monster (unless he really is in other areas of their life together). All I can say Diane, is just put this article into context. It is not the gospel. No one said it is. It is not excusing poor, or horrible behavior. It’s just giving some explanation that some wives need to know because they never saw this type of info before. I didn’t earlier in my life. But now, I’m so glad I did find out, so we could express love to each other in every aspect of our life together. I hope this helps in some way. I truly, truly do. Women can become innocent victims; but so can innocent men. And that’s all we’re saying here.
Oho, I have to bring up the subject, but brief caveats and disclaimers are useful, inclusive and might save a lot of drama.
Diane, You are in my prayers. Cindy, A loving caring response. You too are in my prayers.
Hello Diane, Are you single? It sounds like it. We (women & men) all have various desires all the way from sleep, eating, house cleaning, nice yard, shopping, expensive purses, gossiping, power tools, vacations, alcohol, all the way to sex. My wife is on HRT and some weeks I can barely keep up with her sexually. I guess some weeks she is a ‘monster’. Christmas is coming up & she want to go shopping for gifts for kids & grandkids this weekend. She has been talking about is for weeks, planning where to go. I guess she is a shopping monster. We all have needs & desires. One of a husband’s needs/desires does include their wives. It’s not a bad thing, usually a few minutes a couple times a week. Helps keep a man’s eyes & heart at home. Gives a man confidence & energy.
A few minutes? What does your wife get out of your ‘few minutes’? I sincerely hope for her sake that you are spending more than a few minutes to meet HER needs.
Don’t you worry Jill, I meet her needs when she needs or wants it. She is glad that our closest neighbor is 500′ away. Some weeks HER needs are met more times than there are days. Plus she is probably old enough to be your mother! The few moments mentioned are just quickies for me. You can’t tell me you have not done that for your husband.
Bob, old enough to be my mother! I have to laugh at that. My mother is 89 this year! From that, you might get an idea of how old I am.
My husband has never made love to me. To be honest…he wouldn’t know what it’s like to make love to me. Because he is selfish in bed & only wants to satisfy himself. Sex is supposed to be mutual but my husband doesn’t realize that or care. He’s perfectly fine to have me lie there like a petrified corpse for him to sexually satisfy himself. So I now know that he isn’t enjoying the sex…he’s addicted to the power he has over me. That’s why he doesn’t care how I feel. If something like real intimacy were to bring me pleasure…it would turn him off immediately.
My husband is a monster when it comes to sex. He is sexually selfish & self-entitled. And to be honest I don’t believe it’s all his fault. I blame society for ruining my otherwise good husband’s views on sex.
My husband doesn’t know how to have sex…because society has ONLY taught him how to penetrate & satisfy himself.
Yes it sounds vulgar to say penetrate, but just imagine how degrading & dehumanizing it feels for that a woman & wife whose body is getting used against her will.
There’s no how to book that teaches men how to be good & thoughtful sex partners. Society has taught boys to just go grab what they want…& it’s literally what happens in the bedroom. He wants sex, he just goes for it. He doesn’t care how he gets it. Using guilt trips & force don’t turn him off as long as society backs him up. And that same society will portray him as a victim. Society will take his side & say he’s suffering from a sexless marriage. They’ll say his wife is being selfish or a prude to her husband’s needs.
That same society will claim & make women’s libido as the guilty party.
But the truth is many times, women’s libidos are perfectly fine. The only problem women have is the fact that we want & deserve…QUALITY SEX. While self-entitled husbands will want QUANTITY. Society & those who enjoy self-entitlement never question their sexual quality…they only complain of the quantity. And what self respecting woman who wants & yearns to be made love to is going to want to have sex with a man who is treating her body like his toilet.
Here’s what I have recently found. Both men as well as women know absolutely nothing about how to take care of each other sexually, or in the most satisfying way. Women keep saying men don’t know how to please a them. In most cases that’s very true. It is said all women are different in what they want sexually. That being said, women are not of the cookie cutter version of sex.
So ladies, if your man thinks you want the same type of foreplay as his last female encounter, then he is wrong. Remember “women are all different”. Ladies tell him what you like and don’t. Guys, ask if you’re doing it right.
My wife and I are going through a dry spell at this time. We are both in our 70s. I bought us a hot tub for Christmas. Just lately I’ve bought some oils, candles, etc. This last month I’ve read up on massages, the female sex organs and some very interesting facts about the female body; at my age I had no idea about. I’ve also been studying about tantric massage (look it up on the internet, you both (men and women)) just may learn something about each other. It’s a good way to get the monster out of your bedroom.
LJH! 70s hot tub, candles! oils!! I HEAR YOU!!!
Eeew, no not hot tubs. You can’t have sex in a hot tub, it’d be like having sex in ‘bacteria soup.’
Sex isn’t like chocolate. You can buy chocolate literally anywhere and it does not need to involve another person. That was a horrible analogy. Expecting a woman to let someone stick their penis inside of her (when she doesn’t really want it) because they can’t regulate their own emotions and so that he doesn’t treat you like crap…it’s ridiculous and sad.
Samantha, I feel pain in your words. You obviously are carrying a wound you need healing for. If I may get biblical here and highlight that in Christian marriage a wife’s body is not her own just as a husband’s body is not his own. The sin of sexual refusal is a dark and deep one, it is not talked about in church or in Christian circles which is a scandal.
Pornography, lust, adultery, are all talked about and deeply ground upon yet sexual refusal isn’t even considered.
If a spouse (of either sex) resorts to any of the above because of refusal then what is the greater sin. Is one more different than the other? I appreciate a spouse may not “feel like it” at times. There are many things that I don’t feel like doing on any given day but I have obligations and so have to carry through with them. The important thing is to do it in love and with a smile; more often than not one ends up getting something positive out of the giving. This I have learned first hand. If a marriage lacks sex then not much else will survive long in that environment. Peace to you.