After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) Thank you Cindy for all your God given guidance! I will be sure to check that link out as I do deeply long for God’s guidance! This is what happened to me today… check this out! As I was traveling home from work and as I was listening to some God inspiring music, as the sun was shinning bright and warm down upon my face, and as the love of God truly did fill my heart to overflowing, being fully filled by the Holy Spirit… I was given this God given revelation today. God touched my heart! For God had shown me that something huge has been missing in my concept of “making love” all along!
He has shown me that I truly have never, ever even experienced it! I was given a glimpse. I was given this vision of a man’s sex drive, that is now fully being driven by this very same God given amount of love that I now felt in my heart and not by any sinful lusting. I now, along with this very same feeling of love mutually being fully returned back to me as husband and wife, with our eyes interlocked together in “a complete unity,” now with both wife and husband… being fully reborn of the spirit and no longer enslaved to the flesh, enslaved to any lusting, “real love making has been made to be possible.” Wow! What a connection! What a difference! What a wake up call! I now want this badly! How have I been so blind all allong???
(USA) For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. Galatians 5:17 NKJV
here is something that the lord has shown me.. a man.. that is still living by the flesh.. (in his sinful nature) lustfully desires all day long.. after that what is “of the flesh”….that is… he is driven primarily by what he does see “on the outside”.. (of a woman).. while the man whom is found “to be fully spiritual”.. will be driven.. and desiring primarily by that what is found to be “on the inside”.. (of a woman)
as for me myself.. so i have noticed.. that the more spiritual that i do become.. all the more that i do find myself looking primary to a woman’s insides (her eyes).. and not so much to her body and the outside.. as i now see something that i never had ever seen before in all my life!!.. while some.. will appear to be dead.. on the inside.. (in her eyes) others will appear to be shining like the sun!!.. these kinds of woman.. are now the only kinds.. that now do captivate me… they astonish me!! i cannot look away!!.. there quiet humble nature does draw me it!! as apposed to how i once was.. in the past.. drawn in by what i did see on the outside.
Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 1 Peter 3:3-5 NLT
(USA) Would it be imprudent of me to email this article to my wife?
Jim, That’s such a difficult question to answer. It all depends upon your wife. Some women would object and others would welcome it. I would welcome it –even if it’s a subject that is touchy with me. But not all women are that way. I think the best thing to do is to pray about it and after praying, do as God directs. Even if the end result doesn’t turn out so well, your heart would be pure in presenting it to God to ask for wisdom. Pray, do as God leads and leave the results to God. But approach it from pure motives –to build your intimacy in your marriage –to bring more clarity into what is going on. If, after praying, God gives you the green light, go for it. If not, pray for another way.
(USA) Excellent advice Cindy, thank you!
(UK) Hi, I have read this post and your comments and I thought I’d write about it as I am one of these women who did not give sex easily. I was sexually active before my marriage and after too. When it changed was after my first child. My sex drive was gone. Although I am the woman, I am the one working full time and the only earner in the family. I do all the cooking, looking after kids when not in nursery and what does my husband do? Nothing, apart from playing his games and watching porn.
Ok, so although I was not interested in sex. I forced myself at least once a week but as my husband wanted it on a daily basis he started to watch more porn and tried to turn me into a porn star, which put me off completely. Afterward for years we used to have massive arguments as he always had to initiate sex and it took some forceful convincing to have sex. I hated my husband for it as he never tried to make love to me. It is just crude sex, even now.
After a few years of struggle, my sex drive finally came back more but now he is pushing me away, saying he is not having sex. He watches his porn and talks to women online. He can’t stand me being near him, won’t let me touch him and each time I speak he tells me to shut up, that everything I say is stupid. So what will happen next? I don’t know but the little confidence I had back, he destroyed it by being abrupt. We still have sex twice a week but it is always when he wants it and always the crude way, no romance at all.
So there are reasons to why a person doesn’t want sex but they need to be told and listened to.
(USA) I am married since the end of last year, and I am in the same position. I do not get sex no where as often as I would like it. I think I get it twice a month on a good month. I am romantic and I love the way my wife moves and looks. She always turns me on, but I get no bedroom action. Sometimes I think about going to the massage parlor for some attention (hand job at most) just to be touched by a woman. What else can I do? I do not want to cheat on my wife, as I have done that before and did not like the outcome.
(NIGERIA) Well, am not married yet but these comments have helped to prepare me on how to respond to my husband in future. Thanks
(UNITED STATES) I too have been having this problem in our marriage. My wife and I have made love less than 10 times in the past 2 and a half years. Needless to say, I feel much the same way as has been described in the earlier article. My problem is that even though I really do not want for anything to happen to our marriage, (almost 22 years) I don’t know how much longer I can go on with the current situation as is.
(USA) All this is based on myths about men and women. In a male dominated relgion such as Christianity, the men are thought to have all the sexual needs and be visual. This is no wrong .Women are as sexual and visual but how many women tell themselves or anyone else for that matter that they are the same?
There’s a real fear in society of sexual women, therefore, women are told they’re less sexual and visual but this is all a myth.
Every Christian book about sex I’ve read has the typical “men are visual/sexual” and women are “emotional/feeling oriented. This is bunk. When will the individual be valued? It’s about time people were thought of as
individuals and not gender myths.
As a woman, I’m tired of being preached to in this manner. We are all sexual beings. Many men are less sexual and women more so.
(USA) Cindy, your answer is too simplistic. It is not living in the real world. I have been married for 30 years. Good jobs, good kids, we have done well in life, and have been blessed. I keep myself in good shape, and I love my wife and believe she is beautiful. The sex however, is little to none. Once a month, or sometimes less. I am frustrated, and disappointed.
We have discussed this disconnect many times. She states she will go to a doctor for help (which has never happened) or explains she has a low sex drive. Sorry, that just isn’t enough. I am sad. I feel badly for the both of us. I have about had it. I don’t even try anymore. I was hoping we could be together forever, but I am having serious doubts about that. I don’t want to break my marriage vows, which I take very seriously, but my wife is not living up to hers either.
Most men want to be intimate with their wives. I don’t want my wife to feel as though she has to do it. I want her to want it too. 30 years is a long time to keep trying. I am exhausted. It’s too bad, but it is getting to the point I don’t even want to be in the same house as she is. God bless.
(USA) I enjoy sex and would like to have everyday but my husband’s sex drive is low; what can I do about it?
(UK) Page 175 of Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That?
(Angry and Controlling Men) describes the behaviour of Nancy Anderson’s husband. I wonder if his “franken-husband” behaviour would appear at all if he were not married or if his wife were in the hospital, or ill, or had died? Does being married mean that masturbation for release is not a possibility? The husband’s behaviour is controlling and indicates his sense of entitlement. He believes it is his wife’s duty to keep him sexually satisfied.
If Nancy Anderson is happy to be manipulated by her husband’s moods, then fine, but many of us would not be. Men who consider their wife’s needs and wishes equal to their own would not use irritability and moodiness to manipulate their partners thus. There would probably be some adult discussion and compromise instead.
(USA) How can a woman know? What a person feels is never wrong, it is how they actually feel. I’m about done hearing that a man should understand. Be honest, tell your man up front that you will probably only be having sex 5 or 6 times a year.
(USA) I have been married for 6 years and together with my husband a total of 9 years. After several conversations in the last two months he has decided he does not love me anymore and according to him, it has all stemmed from our lack of passion and lack of sex. I feel like I understand the article and my situation more now. He was the one initiating sex, I am/was the one that was “too tired” or “had a headache”.
He told me this evening that he feels he was living in a fantasy that would “get better” but hasn’t in the 9 years we’ve been together. When I said I would be willing to explore and try new things (I say because I feel more comfortable in my body, he said it’s because I’m “backed into a corner”) he said he doesn’t even feel that way for me anymore. He has been giving me the “it’s not you, it’s me” line as well.
I’m hurt because we now have a 4 year old to be concerned with. I feel like I’m willing to fight for our family, but he’s already given up. We separately saw a counselor (just once each) and have been referred to a different marriage counselor, which we have not met yet.
My question is how can I/we work on fixing this? Especially for me since I feel my husband has already given up? He is unwilling to have sex with me because in his words “he doesn’t feel that way for me anymore.” I feel we’re at a stalemate until we meet with our counselor. I’m so full or worry and doubt it’s eating me up.
(USA) Opinions please on the following situation. Two Christians marry and get pregnant shortly into the marriage. Sex is infrequent after the first child, but a few years later there is a second pregnancy. Again, sex is infrequent, but there is a third pregnancy. The husband demands that the wife get an abortion. The wife is devastated and just before the appointment for the abortion expresses that she can’t go through with it. Following this experience, the wife has absolutely no sexual desire (not just with the husband, but under any circumstance). The wife avoids sex and any intimacy that could lead to sex. The husband is very unhappy, feels like he is a complete victim and begins having extramarital affairs and feels totally justified.
Please, very interested in your opinions with respect to this situation, and suggestions.
(USA) Co-victim. But still doesn’t justify affairs. But neither does his wanting an abortion justify being totally shut down sexually. Co-victim. So now what? Do you do your part, confess your sin, telling him it was sinful and wrong for you to withhold sex because he wanted you to get an abortion? Or do you keep playing the victim card, suggesting that you were justified to withhold sex because you disagreed with him? I’m not suggesting he was right for wanting an abortion. I don’t agree with that at all. But I do suggest that your response was sinful. Scripture is pretty clear that sex is not withheld except by MUTUAL agreement and for a short time period.
So as I said, there are two victims here. He needs to end his affairs, confess and repent as well. But he isn’t here, you are, so you get to go first since you asked.
(USA) Thanks Tony. I should clarify that while I am not the “wife” in question here and I do not disagree with your co-victim analysis. However, I believe that as a man your response is not surprising. I would be interested in reading the views of a woman (and especially a mother) on a situation like the one described above.
(USA) I wondered that after I whacked the “Add Your Comment” button. I simply suggest they BOTH read the Bible. After all, that is what matters the most, not how you, I or anyone else FEELS about something. What has God SAID we are to do?
Because even after you go through what he feels, what she feels, ultimately, what they should be DOING is following God’s guidance. No withholding sex. No aborting babies. It may not be easy, but it is pretty simple.
Liv, I agree with Tony on this. I’m a wife and a mother. I’ve had to juggle having little ones around my ankles and being tired and such, so I understand some of the dynamics of marriage plus motherhood. But it sounds to me like these are two people who are SUPPOSED to be marriage partners, acting as if they are in the covenant of marriage for themselves. She denies, he gets angry and makes demands, she denies all the more, and he allows himself to give into sinful wants, desires, and actions, making sinful demands. She uses that, I’m sure to justify her further denial. Both are acting in ways that can destroy their marriage, rather than help it to grow. And unfortunately, there will be more emotional casualties than their own.
What’s also sad is that there are children involved in all of this –children, God entrusted to them. These are children who are just being their own immature, time-consuming, and child-like selves, who appear to be acting as mature as their parents. I can’t even imagine the example that is being set for them and the negative ripple effect this will have on their lives (and others) for generations to come if their parents don’t grow up and work on being involved as role models and as partners, which they are supposed to be in marriage. This is such a toxic environment they are perpetuating in their approach to marriage and raising a family. Why commit to marriage if you’re going to act in such “non-partnering” ways? They’re both wrong and need to wake up and change their approach to life. They need to go God’s way and not theirs. They aren’t islands unto themselves. What they do affects themselves and others for generations.
(USA) “Men Need Release. Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.”
I find the above statement not just self serving, but scary. The entire article kind of rubbed me the wrong way. My situation may be the reason, but to equate making love or intimacy with craving chocolate is sheer madness in my opinion. It is not always good to endulge yourself for one, and for two how appealling is a “sex monster”? Making love is an act of giving and most of all as a woman receiving. Having 200 plus pounds pounding you out of sheer animalistic need is just frightening to me. Do I have to feel like Faye Ray in King Kong when it is time for intimacy or it’s my fault for “making him beg”?
I am separated for and the views in this article -especially the “release” section is part of why I had a breakdown. The visuals of a man knawing on a sofa is NOT so far fetched and I GUESS I should feel greatful for making him a beast in the bedroom? I may sound like a wet rag, but I need intimacy and that may not be established 2-3 times a week. Do I blame my husband for that? I also love flawless diamonds and when he doesn’t provide them should I knaw a sofa?
I love my husband and was very “GAME” most times because he whined I didn’t care about him if we didn’t make love 3-4 times per week (it is not the amount of times, it is all in TIMING). This caused much strain in our relationship as he was happy to “tap and go” where I wanted intimacy.
I understand men have needs, but I think it’s a cop out to say men need a release and I am making a monster if I don’t want to participate in the literal act all the time. There are kids, bills, cleaning, cooking, day to day responsibilities in the real world.
I know one must make time for making love regardless of these things, but putting sexual demands in the marriage and crying abandonment when they don’t happen just seems foul to me.
This is also the main reason I DID continue making love with my husband AFTER our separation. I know he “needs it”, so no matter how I felt, I gave in. No more! Where there is no effort for intimacy and patience, there will be no love making!