After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
I’m conflicted about this. Yes, I love my husband and want to follow God’s word about marriage and respect. But I’ve been very sick. I’ve been diagnosed with MS, and nerve pain overwhelms me. I can’t wash my hands without crying in pain. My medication, which is the most effective for me after trying others, numbs me. My husband wants intimacy more often, and to compound that expectation he wants me to enjoy it “fully” too. But I can’t.
Even before my diagnosis when we were newly married, I had trouble anticipating and enjoying intimacy as much as he did. Now it hurts to be touched, hurts when we try other things that focus on him. Meeting this need is very difficult. But when I don’t meet this need, he becomes grumpy and mean. After day three I feel like my value has been reduced to a means to an end. Am I not worth being nice to if I’m not healthy enough for intimacy? Yes, there is a link for men, which causes physical intimacy to affect them emotionally. But let’s not forget that we are not only our bodies. The two are joined, yes.
But if my body is sick and cannot make your body feel relieved, does that mean you are justified in your grumpiness? If women are told that we have to meet men’s needs in marriage, the same effort should be put in to teaching men that it’s not ok to get moody if they aren’t getting physical intimacy as often as they want. It’s a two way street. A husband who doesn’t help with cleaning or cooking should not wonder why his wife resents him and doesn’t see him as attractive after she washes up after the dinner she planned and cooked by herself when he didn’t help again, even though they both work full time. That arrangement is not a partnership, it’s parenthood. This is a very complex issue.
Why are the women not as interested in intimacy as men? It cannot all be hormonal. Many women I know at church feel their husbands are in some ways too dependent on their wives for domestic support. He creates as much work for the wife as a child does. He creates laundry; he never cleans. He spills coffee on the cupboards and two months later still hasn’t cleaned it when he said he would. He never plans meals, but will expect dinner to be available. But he expects applause for taking out the trash once a week, and after that if you don’t have intimate relations with him every three days he will start being unkind to you. This cycle has many Christian women I know having intimacy just to keep their husbands from being jerks to them. And that should never be a motivation for physical interaction.
I know it is not true for all, but many women I know just can’t be turned on by a man who is like a dependent child at home. And many women won’t say it, but the enjoyment of the physical interaction often benefits the man more. If intercourse is reduced to an act of obedience, a way to prevent verbal abuse and to keep a man from being rude to you, and an act where you have to feign enjoyment to keep his ego from being damaged, then we are missing the mark.
Intimacy in marriage should be something we both seek because there is a mutual benefit, not just a way to keep a man from being a monster. If I’m supposed to bite my tongue when he hasn’t done the dishes in four weeks, then he should equally be responsible for checking his attitude. Are we creating monsters when we don’t share intimacy, or are men choosing to be monsters because they have a stimulus that makes the monster choice the easier one? I’m not sure it’s so easy to determine who is to blame.
When nothing else matters, when a man can’t get through a day without sex, without turning into a monster, I would call that an addiction. Color it any way you want, some men abuse this privilege and therefore use and abuse their wife. It’s no different than any other addiction at this point… And these men will claim the scripture verses that state a wife’s body is not her own, but they surely do not display the behavior in scriptures verses that tell the husband to lay down his life. Being a Christian wife does not mean you are now a sex slave to a man who only seeks pleasure and has no desire to perfect his walk in Christ. I live with such a monster who would go into a tirade if he missed one night.
That’s really not OK. Does he abuse you?
He is a counselor so refrains, for the most part, from being physically abusive; though, he has been capable and is selective in amount and degree. He is emotionally abusive in order to achieve his desired outcome which is controlling me and getting his demands met. He feels very entitled and if his demands are not met then he threatens to replace me (in the beginning, he would survey some social site for new women) and he makes life hell for me. His behavior has improved, a little, since we started an agency together and he has more control over my employment. I am the administrator and he is the counselor. Finishing my degree was put on hold while I worked on getting the agency accredited and also worked full time for DHS. Its crazy, when I think about it, the hell I’ve put up with; PTSD stuff, if you know what I mean.
Hi Diane. Yes the author of this page did make good points but at the same time, you made many valid points.
Many times, how much a woman desires to sexually please her husband is determined by his treatment towards her. For example, if he doesn’t show love to her daily, or he embarrasses her in public, or he doesn’t help her around the house, or he doesn’t spend time in emotionally investing in her, or he only shows affection when he wants sex, then definitely she’s most likely not going to want to please her husband or make herself available for him sexually. She’s going to feel that he wants her only for sex.
I’m a guy from Malaysia, and I will be honest myself. I think most men these days expect their wife to be sexually available to them BUT they themselves don’t take time to invest in their wife. It works both ways and in many marriages, how a man treats his wife on a daily basis will determine how strong her love is for him and how strong her desire is to connect with him sexually. When a man treats his wife with love, understanding, kindness, gentleness, and with words of affirmation, he’s going to get his needs met for sure! Treat your wife with love in all things, and she will return it a 100fold upon you :)
This is the truth about women in majority of marriages. If the husband treats her like a princess, he’s going to get treated like a king, including sexually :) **please note that I didn’t say, ‘all marriages’ because there are marriages with exception. But with the majority of marriages, this is true about women. When she feels loved, accepted, treasured, and respected by her husband, she’s gonna make sure she returns the favor with love :)
In many marriages, a lack of physical intimacy is NOT the problem. The problem is normally outside the bedroom! Lack of intimacy is the effects of the problem. Many married men check out women in public, belittle their wives in public, speak harshly to their wives, don’t spend time with their wives, and still expect intimacy/sex from their wives??? Hmmm she’s already feeling so unloved, how can she enjoy engaging in sex with him?? It’s common sense. It’s time some men, even Christian men, to put their egos down, stop living in denial, and acknowledge that they have a big part to play in why their wives are not wanting/desiring to meet their sexual needs!!
Not to boast, but I plan to love my future wife hard! I plan to speak to her gently, take her out on dates, hold her hand and items in public, make sure I always carry the groceries, affectionate to her always, help her with house chores, be there for her emotionally, speak to her instead of going out with friends at late night, be understanding and not demanding when she’s tired, wipe her tears away when she cries. She’s my wife, NOT my possession. She’s my lover and princess for me to lead, NOT to control. When I do this on a daily basis, I’m affirming her womanhood in Christ and her sense of belonging and being cherished by her man. Only when I love her like what Christ teaches, she’ll feel loved and she’ll be more than eager and want to please me without me needing to force/beg her. Men, this is what real love towards your wife is!!! :)
In majority of marriages, how a woman treats her husband is a reflection of his treatment of her!! A woman will always reciprocate in relation to how her husband treats her on a daily basis. That’s the power and influence a woman has but sadly, very few men understand this concept.
This is the clearest, wisest, articulate and most thoughtful reply to the situation. It only for me speaks volumes as to how a relationship should work. A man can have a high sex drive but if he uses abuse towards his wife he must realise there will be no connection emotionally. No connection leads to a reluctance to participate.
My husband has subjected me to a life time of verbal and sexual abuse. We can walk holding hands and he then rubs my hand over his genitals or covertly touches my breast; he will ask me to say dirty things whilst enjoying a nature walk. I can bend over and fill the dishwasher and he tells me how he would graphically insert something. I no longer use the dishwasher. When I try to address his sexual immaturity I either am told in abusive language I am frigid or/and I am retarded, intellectually stupid and boring. I am stonewalled and jobs which are needed to be done are deliberately ignored. These are simplistic examples.
A mature discussion is needed not a vitriolic diatribe of how boring our sex life is. I blame his dependence on porn. I actually have a more active sex life than my friends and sisters. I will after 27 years of marriage stamp out this abuse by a petulant teenager eventually.
I think there are some wonderful marriages out there- some have sex others don’t. Treat your partner respectively and you will both get more or less a satisfactory life.
Interesting posts on here and I found yours very interesting. I know it’s months old but I thought I would reply anyways. Marriage is a very funny thing because usually it’s starts with everything you said; both people are respectful and attentive to each other’s needs. Whether it be affirmation and intimacy outside of the bedroom and sex fulfillment anytime the man wants but along the way, or should I say years into the marriage, something happens. I mean I’m not perfect and definitely not saying I do everything right. But something changed once we had a child.
I work, I clean, I cook, I grocery shop, I take care of everyone when they are sick or anytime my assistance is needed. I mow the grass, I shovel the snow and clean both cars; I take care of all the finances, I do date night when I’m not exhausted from working 8 hours and driving for 3 hours back and forth to work. I try to spend whatever time I have remaining with my young adult and child. I have flaws and my wife recently began working after not working since 2013. I take my family on annual vacations, lots of planning so everyone will have a good time. I clip coupons to help save. I personally manage our retirement account. I personally ensured we had no debt.
I love my wife with everything within me. I text when I’m away but my biggest issue or flaw is I enjoy or need me time. I will not say It’s my wife’s fault our sex is lacking, but I do feel as though I’m deprived and it hurts somewhat. I continue to pray that I’m given the strength to not allow it to make me bitter, grumpy, or even angry. I have constantly tried to reflect on me and how I control whether something takes my joy or not. I fought through several medical issues to get my health back through focus on physical fitness, hoping my wife would be intimately attracted to me. My love language is touch and it’s more so in the bedroom and it really doesn’t have to be sexual everytime for me although I have a high sex drive but 3 nights in a row and I need a break for like 2 or 3 days. I don’t know if that’s asking too much so I’ve turned to looking at myself and asking God what am I not doing.
I feel as though I’m always having to feel it out to ask or more like beg I feel. I understand when she is not feeling well; sometimes but I revert to ensuring she gets better always without my focus on sex. I can say this though we both have orgasms often when we are sexual. Especially when we have sex after her monthly time ends but that will be the one special moment a month and then it’s back to hoping we can have more moments like that one. Her primary love language is affirmation and honestly I’m not very good at it but I try focusing on it but get distracted often with being a provider. I believe it’s my misconceptions by me providing services for my wife this affirms my love and her need for affirmation. I will bend over backwards to ensure she is ok but it’s not enough.
I keep asking God to work on me and maybe decrease my desire of sex. I don’t know if this is the right way to look at it but I don’t want to feel as I’m not getting my needs met. I now bury myself in other thoughts to try not to think about sex which may not be right but after reading some of these ladies comments maybe as a man I can just turn it off. I’ll see if it works but if not I will continue praying in hopes God change me to fulfill whatever is not happening now in my marriage after 13 years. I just ask that if you are reading this, that you would pray for me and my marriage. Thank you for reading my post and pray that all of us get the desired outcome we are seeking.
Great article to read because it help me understand it’s not something wrong with me.
Actually, yes, the difference in interest in sex is *greatly* hormonal. Testosterone increases libido significantly (you may read the accounts of transgender people who started to take testosterone).
Now, as far as men acting grumpy when they don’t have sex–let me assure you, men without sex in general become full of energy that has to go somewhere. In our society, when you’re sitting around all day, it further frustrates us–that’s why it’s recommended to do squats often and take walks. The aggressiveness does not come because of resentment for not having sex, but rather, it’s a natural reaction that occurs when that pent-up energy isn’t used for something else.
In your situation, though, if you can’t even wash your hands without being in pain, a truly Christian man would not insist on sex.
I am male, now single and 62 years old. I was happily married for 34 years until my wife died. My wife understood my need for frequent ‘intimacy’ and I got ‘It’ almost every 2 days. Sometimes it was just a snack or a small quick meal but many a time it was a feast. So I can relate 100% to what the author says. Unfortunately after her death I am completely starved of this intimacy for the last 4 years. I feel so frustrated that I feel like ending my life. Yes, excellent article.
I found this article when seeking help about my other half’s behavior. What was described in the beginning of this article was very accurate.. 1-2 days of no sex, results in malicious behavior. Any argument or issue always comes back to sex, even if we had done it that day. I began being treated as though I ‘deserve’ to be ignored, mistreated, put down, called names, etc. because I wasn’t giving ‘it’ up enough.
Men should NOT shift the blame of this type of behavior solely on their partner. If you are old enough to do the business, then you are old enough to take accountability for your behavior & actions. (This goes for women too!)
Imagine if this article were the opposite.. how a man needs to cater to his wife indefinitely while she’s menstruating or going through menopause, because of her bodily ‘needs’ (aka raging hormones). Would it then be okay for her to belittle her husband until he did what she wanted, when she wanted it? Absolutely not.
I am stepping into Menopause and so my sexual desires are reducing whereas my husband’s needs are more.
My son is 6 years old. That’s the same age as the last time my wife and I had intimate contact. Due to perhaps a traumatic event that occurred to us a few months after my son was born, she was almost raped near our apartment, that may have been the trigger for a series of unfortunate events in our married life. Mind you, I’ve tried everything; drowned myself in work, helped her build her business, flowers, chocolates, asked her to a date; none seemed to work.
She had been diagnosed with PTSD, but it seems that she just wants to forget about the incident, but every time I tried to just hold her hand she pulls away. Our marriage had slowly become rocky over the years and fights broke out more often than I’d care for. It just reached a climax a few days ago when my daughter and wife got into a small argument. Earlier that day, I was talking with my daughter about her troubles with her mom; I just wanted for them to talk and get it all out in the open, and she just exploded. Saying I’d tolerate my daughter’s behavior and one day she’ll come home pregnant, when the fact of the matter is my daughter just wants her mom to trust her.
It’s been more than a little frustrating for me. She gets angry and diverts that anger to those around her. That has been occurring for years. I tried to understand that it may be just her PTSD acting up or she may be just frustrated with her life, but my heart and soul is almost on the verge of collapse. There were many more incidences where she blames me for every little thing and I’m just trying my best to provide and she keeps saying it ain’t enough.
I’m a Christian man and I’d rather obey Gods laws than “Step Out” on my wife due to a lack of intimacy. I haven’t had sex in 6 years, and it’s getting more than a little annoying for me.
I really appreciate this article it has provided some help. However, there is a very patriarchal undertone saying that because men have hunger it’s our job to satisfy it and that even if we are too tired or stressed or depressed we should be the first to sacrifice.
Men need to learn to function in life if a day or two goes by and he doesn’t get sex. This is very frustrating to me and it is why men have these expectations that women will put them out of their misery or extinguish the fire prepare them a meal or a snack even if they are being a monster or if they are being unreasonable. We need emotional intimacy before we can open up sexually and men should be able to be emotionally vulnerable with us as well. They should also be able to make the first move when it comes to that. Why do we expect a woman to decide to put her needs aside to pacify men?
What if the world asked men “why don’t you cuddle your wife first, why don’t you stroke her hair first, why don’t you hold her until she wants to open up and be vulnerable with you sexually? After that they can have their way, if they are patient enough because if you are a monster or if you pout, it will dry up the Nile.
We have to stop babying these men. We have to stop saying OK to always making the sacrifices first because we’re going to raise more and more men who feel entitled to This absolutely unbalanced and unfair dynamic.
I both agree and disagree with you. Yes, a marriage partner (husband or wife) should be understanding when the other spouse is “too tired or stressed, or depressed.” Yes, a marriage partner (whether it’s a husband or wife) needs to “learn to function in life if a day or two goes by” and he or she doesn’t get sex. But when “a day or two” turns into months, and months, sometimes years of being “too tired or stressed” or whatever… then it needs to be addressed (unless the spouse is in a coma, or such). And the continual shut downs and rejections happen in more marriages than I can even start to tell you.
And yes, men need to attend to their wife’s needs, just as the wife should do so to her husband’s needs. If you read many of the husband’s comments here (and in other articles we have posted like this one) you will see that it isn’t only the wives that are sacrificing. Yes, sometimes it is. But in many marriages it’s the husband who is doing more of the “babying” or going the extra mile to meet the needs of their wives, only to be shut down concerning their needs. The entitlement issue goes both ways. Neither should deny the other. We need to do what we’re told in the scriptures, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4) We’re told in Romans 12:10 to “Honor one another above yourselves.” Also, in Ephesians 5:21 we’re told to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
We’re told throughout the Bible to serve one another, and to show grace and love to one another. So yes, we do give each other grace, but it goes both ways. And sometimes, we give more than we get. Jesus did this. And we are sometimes called to do so, as well. That applies to both husbands and wives.
I need help with my marriage.
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. During the majority of those years our sex life entailed me not feeling loved because I felt that he just wanted sex from me and I was being coerced into having sex. I felt violated. I don’t feel that I matter, only his sexual desires matter. He tells me that it isn’t just about sex but every time I think of him touching me I get a sick feeling of being violated. How can I put it behind me and move on when the truth is that he, like all men need sex so bad. His overwhelming need makes me feel as though I don’t matter.
He says I do matter but I can’t seem to make myself believe it as long as he gets frustrated when we don’t do it. It makes me feel that he cares more about himself than he does about me and that turns me off. I do not turn him down. We do have sex any time he wants it but he doesn’t want that any more. He wants me to want it. I was able for years to do it without him knowing I didn’t really want to but he finally figured it out and doesn’t want that. How can I get past this?
Nalisa, My heart goes out to you over this confusion. I was there myself a number of years ago. I felt used, almost abused by my husband because of his desires, and I was totally confused. Why was/is this so important to him? If I didn’t want it, why couldn’t he just stop pursuing me? My self talk over this matter was not a pretty thing, by any stretch of the imagination. As a result, it hurt my husband, and hurt our marriage relationship. It also put him in a bad spot of wanting me, not getting me, and yet I didn’t want him to sexually pursue anyone else. I now realize that I held him almost as a hostage in our marriage. He couldn’t have me, but he also couldn’t have anyone else. This was not good.
I can now see that many of my thoughts were fueled by past sexual abuse from a few of my relatives earlier in my life. (I don’t know if you are dealing with any of these types of issues.) It left my mind tainted against this type of closeness. It brought back memories and thoughts that hurt more than I can explain. After we had our children, I just drew further and further into the desire not to be sexually touched. I also believe that I never really had much of a sexual desire anyway (even though we were pretty active sexually in the beginning of our marriage… but later, it just died within me… it’s not that it was my husband’s fault… I love him more than I can describe… it is something within me).
Anyway, eventually, God opened my eyes. I finally got the counseling I needed to address my past sexual abuse issues, and that helped tremendously. (If you are dealing with any of these types of issues PLEASE get help for it and you will be set free in an amazing way.) I finally saw that I was projecting thoughts onto my husband about sexual issues, and as a result, I was causing him to be another victim of my sexual abusers. They hurt me… an innocent victim, and then I hurt Steve, another innocent victim. He didn’t deserve my rejection anymore than I deserved being sexually abused. Eventually, God helped me to see that. The victimization needed to stop.
And then a bit later, we had been working with other married couples to help their marriages (on non-sexual issues). I started doing some research on marriage and God (I believe with my whole heart) started pointing me towards research and articles concerning sexual issues. The more I read the more I woke up that my husband isn’t a monster for wanting me, he actually needs me. It goes beyond a sexual connection–this is the way that men feel connected to their wives, just as we feel connected to our husbands when we have a good conversation with them. It truly “isn’t just about sex” as your husband is trying to tell you.
I wish, Nalisa, with my whole heart that I could show you the research and conversations with other husbands, etc… that I have come across. I can’t imagine that it wouldn’t open your eyes. Even so, I don’t understand it all. I approach these matters from a woman’s perspective. I don’t understand why men feel so emotionally connected through a physical act, but they do. Just because I don’t understand it, it doesn’t make it any less real. Now let me clarify. There are abusers who have overridden God’s intent for sexuality. They have reprogrammed their brains to disconnect from God’s original design. But we can’t judge every man (nor women) by abusers. That wouldn’t be fair.
Please reread this article. What it says is backed up by years of research. I just read this morning (without any knowledge of what your comment was here) the following: “During sex–and especially during orgasm, a hormone called oxytocin is released by both parties. As it turns out, this ‘hormone of love’ happens to come with all kinds of side benefits proving that sex is far more than a pleasurable perk of marriage. It’s an imperative practice to keeping a long-term connection alive in our marriages.” The author of that quote (Tyler Ward) says more. He writes, “Dr Hans Zingg, a professor at the McGill University and a longtime student of the ‘love hormone,’ says the following, ‘There’s convincing evidence that oxytocin is involved in the mediating stability, pair bonding, and monogamy; the enduring parts of love.'” And trust me… there are many more bonding emotions that are delivered to men while they make love to their wives.
I could go on and on as far as research that shows that especially for men (I’m not sure why biologically that’s true… perhaps it has to do with the differing hormones they have, such as higher levels of testosterone and such) feel especially bonded to their partners when they have sex with them. It goes beyond just sex… it is an emotional bonding that they feel. (Again, disregard abusers, and men who have reprogrammed their brains by doing what they shouldn’t sexually.) What’s funny is that here I am a woman, who doesn’t understand all of this, telling another woman about men. But I have done enough research and talked to enough men to finally see that sex means much more to a man than it most often does to a woman. It’s like the old saying, “Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved…”
When you make love to your husband, he feels more than just physically connected to you. He feels bonded, connected, loved, valued, cared for, and feels closer to you than he could in any other way. It doesn’t make sense to us… but God wired him that way. We feel that with hugs, and a good, connecting conversation with them. And while most men can enjoy hugs and a good conversation, it usually isn’t as bonding of an experience for them, as it is for you… making love to their marriage partner does it for them. So please try to throw out the thoughts that your husband is totally selfish. Are you totally selfish for wanting a good, connecting conversation with him? Selfishness can go both ways. He wants sex with YOU. He wants connection with YOU. He wants to be bonded to YOU. And he wants to feel valued and desired by YOU… not someone else. That’s a good thing.
I pray for you Nalisa. I pray that your eyes will open and so will your heart towards your husband in this way. I did a lot of praying about this in my own life, and now after reading and looking around more at the biochemical part of this, even though I don’t understand it, my whole attitude is different. I love to love my husband in this way. As a result, we are closer to each other than ever before. We are now close to each other through conversation AND being close through sexual intimacy. I hope and pray that for you and for your husband, and for your marriage.
This doesn’t address her not knowing how she can ‘want to want it.’ No amount of knowledge of how he is ‘wired’ can manufacture in her the desire to want sex. She could try everything that is suggested to her from the spiritual aspect to the practical, really apply herself, but she might end her days never ‘wanting’ it.
Interesting article. I was married for over 3 decades till my beloved husband succumbed to a long term illness and died way too young — 54. The saddest, hardest period of my life.
We were married very young. Looking back to those early years, about the first 10, we had sex a lot, but to be perfectly honest, I never got much out of it. Mostly just boring. Orgasm or no orgasm. Without reservation or the least hesitation, for a very long time, I can honestly say that sex was ALL about him, and wasn’t I just thrilled at his wonderful manhood? And if I wasn’t, well, there was clearly something wrong with ME because he was such a rip roaring stallion.
Bleh. Whatever.
Later on, thank the LORD, he matured enough to recognize that he had been an insensitive, childish, selfish, controlling jerk in every area of our relationship… a fact which directly affected the quality of our intimate relationship. Once he took the steps necessary to change those old habit patterns, our sex life did get MUCH better. After that, we had a LOT of fun.
Then, to my very great sorrow, he became so ill he was virtually impotent. And it was a really LONG, painful, sad illness. Needless to say, sex was over. The weird, interesting thing is, though, during those months and months of extreme confinement because of illness, our relationship became far more close and intimate in many ways than it had ever been when he was in good health. Go figure. Never saw that coming. More than anything else in the world, I miss his friendship.
Anyway… here I am a widow, and I have to be honest, as wonderful as my husband’s and my relationship was in the middle and late years of our relationship, I have absolutely no interest in starting up with someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I think men are attractive and interesting. I love friendship and conversation with men, but honestly, the idea of adapting to the demands of a new husband and his sexual needs captivates me not at all. Maybe I’m mistaken, but I just think that there really is no such thing as a man that would suit me right off the rack, and I don’t have the years or energy left in my life to mess around with a “fixer-uper.” I already spent precious years of my youth contorting myself into unrecognizable shapes to please someone else. Not doing it again. I have my own plans for my life, now and having a husband and sex is not part of them.
AMEN TO THAT!! I keep thinking that at age 56, if this marriage doesn’t work, I am 100% committing myself to God, my granddaughter and to whomever my God wants me to help or serve. Relationships are exhausting and zap the joy right out of me
I’m having this same issue. My husband seems to think that if it’s important enough to me I would make time for sex every single day. This is ridiculous in my opinion. I’m a housewife and we have five children. I homsechool three of them and I’m a fulltime college student. I’m exhausted plain and simple. On top of that my husband does not do all he should to stay on top of our financial needs. We have struggled financially for years now while he chases his dreams. This leaves me less and less in the mood for sex. How can I find a desire to be intimate with him when I am worried about bills?
It’s made me see him as less of the provider I thought he would be and more of a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good man but he rarely spends time with me or the kids. His quest to be independent in how he makes his money leaves him locked away in his “office” all day yet we are still no better off financially. But I deal with this same monster when it’s been 3 days or more with no sex. I’m not in the mood. I’m stressed, I’m tired and quite frankly “doing the deed” is that last thing on my list. It’s sad because we use to have a good sex life in the beginning but it has tapered off as kids keep coming and stress keeps mounting. I have to submit to finally doing it just to keep the tension between us at a minimum.
If not then we walk past one another in silence. He mumbles when I ask him something and it becomes just as the author stated, he gets passive aggressive. He is chipper as ever after a session though but it slowly disappears as the time lapse between our moments. Then even when we do, it’s obvious I’m not all there. He says I appear bored. Quite frankly I am. I’m usually just glad when it’s over and I can move on with my already busy day. I swear there has to be a better answer to succumbing to this type of sex life.
Men need more control of their body’s and mind.
That sure makes sense to us when we don’t have the same testosterone and bio-chemical push, doesn’t it? But it’s kind of like a husband telling a wife who is suffering from P.M.S. or Menopause, or pregnancy hormonal imbalances that they “need more control of their body’s and minds.” I couldn’t go on hormones because of breast cancer risks. I had to go through both without medications to help. We both had to work with the situation. I know of many, many women who can’t get their hormones leveled with or without hormone therapy. To a man looking in, he could wonder why a woman can’t just control herself better.
We have several articles posted on this web site that deal with hormones, P.M.S. and Menopause issues. If you look at the comments under them you’d see how confusing and frustrating this is for the husbands, and the wives. They’re trying to understand, but if it ain’t happening in your body, it’s easy to say, “Why can’t you get a grip and control yourself?” And even if it is, it’s not easy to understand why.
Husbands can help (to a certain degree) a wife with what she goes through, and wives can (to a certain degree) help a husband with what he goes through. But most of all, it’s important that we all give grace and love, and help when we can instead of judgement. It’s easier to tell the other spouse to get more control when you’re on the other end of the bio-chemical war going on, and visa versa. Marriage is about partnership. Lets be kinder (husbands and wives)… even if the other isn’t being kind. That is something that is biblical, and it reveals the person we are deep inside.
I have ADHD. I just started getting treated. Now my wife has dental and mental issues and I feel like she uses them as an excuse. I used to try and talk to her in bed and get a feel here and there…but then I would hit the wall and either masturbate or just roll over and go to bed. I am actually hoping for some hot sex dreams because it seems more likely I’ll get it that way than actually getting laid. She expects me to be all intimate after having no sex forever. Sorry ladies, it doesn’t work that way. If I cheat it’s wrong; if I get off with porn it’s wrong. Forget it! I do nice things and I expect nothing. I’m not dating I clean house, do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, cook, and nothing.
There should not be obligation on either side to have sex. English has such beautiful words – love making. And that is expressing love for your partner on physical level. We speak how God made us sometimes forgetting He is love. Love making / intimacy can take many forms – what matters is we love each other.
If you really love your spouse how can you even consider not being intimate? Finding ways that makes it possible even with medical conditions. Or busy schedule. If there is will there is way. Just think if world was coming to end tomorrow where and who you want to be with? Would you be still angry like some are or would you ask your loved one to hold you in their arms? Live every day like that.
I can see that the author means well but the article looks like a set up for obligation sex or at the least routine sex to stave off grumpy guy. Yes our husbands need release but there is a better and even more amazing God designed hormone circuit that comes into play. We women gain the connection/bonding hormones by cuddling and just being close to our man. However a husband’s body only releases those hormones during orgasm. Men just do not get that hormone based sense of bonding unless they are intimate with their wife. Those hormones only last about a day or so hence the craving cycle. He is not desiring physical release for the sake of release. He wants to feel bonded just like we wives do.
I would add that the one example story is unbalanced. A wife overloaded by four babies on four years is simply not going to have the physical energy for sex at the rate of an unmarried woman. I am the mother of 6 children some of whom are quite close in age. It is not stinginess or a lack of awareness that leads to less frequency during those years. There is only so much wife-mom to go around.
Framing the divorce on the grounds that she was sexually unavailable only caters to selfishness in the husband and burnout for the wife. Young husbands need to be taught that the babies and toddlers they helped to create are a 24/7 job for a season of life. Unlike his job which can clock out of and is done for the day, mothering at that frequency and for those many years has no down time unless they both work on it together.
I worked hard on educating myself about the needs of my husband and prayed to God for the needful cravings for intimacy. But my husband also took over certain aspects of childcare (bedtime/bath time) and did certain chores when I was swamped with babies.
There is no 50-50 in marriage in general. When you add in tiny children, parenting cannot be 50-50 if either of you desire a sex life free of duty based obligation.
The article is very good but I think the analogy of a man’s need for sex to a woman’s desire for chocolate is a misleading one. A more apt analogy would be to a woman’s need to express milk during a time when she’s breast-feeding. Men feel a similar achy pressure when they haven’t had sex in a few days.
When women decide to believe that their husband’s sexual need is really ONLY a desire then she can be flippant about helping him meet this need. If it were instead understood to be an important part of life and a vital part of marriage I think many marriages could be improved.
I understand that often wives do not always share the same level of interest in sex, but if that’s always a requirement for a husband to have relief, the marriage will suffer. If his sexual needs were instead seen as right up there with the need to eat or sleep and were treated as such I think our divorce rate would be much lower and perhaps even a lower incidence of depression and suicide.