What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife

Wife Pixabay holding-hands-411429_1280We encourage you to read the following article titled, “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife.” But first we encourage you to watch a You Tube comedy video titled, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife.” It is written and performed by Tim Hawkins, and gives pretty good advice (and funny too)!

Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife!

Please click onto the following You Tube video link to enjoy:

Here’s another You Tube comedy music video for you, which you might find helpful (as well as funny). This comedy song is written and is performed by Dante:

And then, after reading the article below, we provide a link to an additional article to read, which could further.

And now for the article:

WHAT EVERY HUSBAND SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HIS WIFE:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”

Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.

She Needs to be Cherished

“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”

We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.

She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to. What can you do to cherish your wife?

Consider how often you say, “I love you.”

Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.

As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.

…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.

Does she feel important?

Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.

“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…

She Needs to be Known

For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.

She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.

At least I’m not alone.

Consider this fact:

Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”

To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions, is the only way to meet her need to be known.

She Needs to be Respected

Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.

There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife.

To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her. For that reason she asked her husband to do it.

Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s the reason why we’ve got power locks on the car.” This husband laughed off his wife’s request, and weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs —to be respected.

Respecting your wife also means including her in decisions.

I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage. He makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I know of men who make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without consulting their wives. There isn’t a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.

Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about. What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should. What would you like?”

Be supportive and accepting

Respect says, “I support you; you are valuable to me. You don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect, a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman!

This article, written by Les Parrott, comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. It is written by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les) and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) counsel hundreds of married couples. They have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills.”

They have also written two workbooks as companions to this book —one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book.” As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter. These questions are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups.

— ALSO —

Below is a web site link to an article written by pastoral counselor, Dr Don Dunlap. Dr. Dunlap offers “a checklist of ways that husbands typically offend their wives.” This tool is designed to help men “identify specific ways that they offend their wives.” After going through the list, husbands can then identify and work through these offenses with their wives. Please prayerfully read:

FOR MEN ONLY: A HUSBAND’S PERSONAL CHECKLIST

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Comments

147 responses to “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife

  1. My wife of 6 years doesn’t touch me. No romance, no intimacy, no connection. She gets violently angry if I attempt to gently embrace her at night or if I tell her how much I love her. She hasn’t physically touched me in years. She claims I don’t show her the respect she deserves yet I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, pay all the bills, take care of our daughter, and take care of her. She literally lays in bed for months at a time while I’m at work (6 days a week) complaining about how awful I am. She neglects our child and her own hygiene while laying there on her phone spending money online. She spent $50,000 in 5 months just shopping frivolously online. We lost our last house because of her. She refuses to work or raise our child or take care of the house or family. It’s been years since she pretended like my life matters to her. She makes it blatantly obvious to me daily that she loathes me but tells me if I leave her she will take my baby girl away and I’ll never see her again. Even though she is verbally and negligently abusive to my daughter since she is the “mom” she will always win in court concerning custody. She is not stupid. She is WELL above genius level intelligence. 186 iq. Unfortunately intelligence doesn’t afford one the privilege of empathy. I’m a reasonable person but being abused for years have pushed me toward divorce of suicide. If I just left her I couldn’t live with the horrible life my daughter would be forced to live knowing how much of a free spirit she is. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to whiteness the light in her eyes fading knowing I could have given her the hope and encouragement any child could want or need. I would give my wife exactly what she wants, a life insurance policy and a fresh innocent mind to corrupt. We had a beautiful relationship before our child and then she just flipped on everything. Lost. Need help.

    1. Does she have friends nearby or family? Did you guys move away from things she might enjoy? Sounds like she has no hobbies or inspiration to continue and is taking it out on you. Has no direction. I feel this way with my husband. Is there something you did in the past she is not forgiving you for? Maybe it is her maybe it is you maybe it is both of you? Maybe marriage counseling? Or church elder coming to see you. A vacation or trip where no yelling or arguing is allowed. Date nights. Something to break the monotony and give her a reason to continue. She is trying to feel a void. Do you feel the child has interrupted your time with your wife? Learn to balance if so.

      My husband pretty much ignores me or is unavailable all the time and wonders why I went shop happy. I have gotten nothing. No friends no family nearby. Just a stay at home depressed person. We started date nights mostly worked except for my husband only having negative conversations and complaining about everything under the sun. The key is to have as many positive moments as you can. We are trying to work on that. Difficult when you are angry with a person or feeling dissatisfied in the relationship.

    2. I realize this is an old post, but thought I’d throw this out for whomever: your wife with the high IQ may be suffering (and causing you to suffer) from some of the emotional and psychological aspects of giftedness. Giftedness isn’t just, “oh they’re so smart” but there are side effects, you might call them, that make things difficult.

      Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG) is an organization you might look at for more information (not saying I like everything they say, but it’s a start). You and she both need to better understand what’s going on, as it sounds very much like something beyond just nasty behavior, but something in the realm of mental health needs. You and your daughter at least should get some therapy if you can. Google Catholic Charities in your area if therapy is a $ concern for you, and ask for a therapist cognizant of difficulties associated with giftedness.

  2. I can keep mine short and sweet. Our marriage fell apart when he got erectile dsfunction and he became an alcoholic cause our two kids won. The mother-in-law told them they can do anything they want to me because their dad won’t say anything to them. The worse our kids treat us the more he drinks. We’ve been married 40 years. The oldest hasn’t been home in 4 years; she got married in a building and her dad never walked her down the aisle. If it wasn’t for my grandparents I never would have had them. Yes they are adults. What do I do and I have talked to my priest. I have been in a domestic, verbally abusive marriage for years! He said GOD isn’t doing this to me! If I knew my life would be like this I would have never had kids. I told my husband I talked to our lawyer about he would end up with nothing if we sold the house and I got half his pension and S.S. He said there would BE A LOT OF SHELLS ON THE GROUND IF I DID THAT!!!!!! I pray for a miracle that he will see the light. He is already taking prescriptions for cirroishis of the liver. Sorry I’m so long but maybe some girls will feel they have it better than me and thank GOD for their man. We married at 20 and were virgins. Oh, our 2 girls are both over 30. Any advice Mr.Expert and I took him to a counselor one time. She said all 4 of us have to come. My husband said he won’t dump his GUTS!!! ANY HELP? I have to watch for HELP ABOVE!!!!! Prayers are Free.

    1. Spice up on what you wear to bed and find a reasonable remedy for that erectile dysfunction. Spend more time filling your room with love hearts; buy silk sheets tell him you really need to talk to him to fix this love life, seriously.

      1. It’s the beer giving him ED, not his wife. Alcohol ruins more than people know. Strong, nasty beer breath can turn off the best of women. It’s disgusting habit and nothing less sexy than a beer bellied man standing there wondering why his ‘Richard’ isn’t standing tall but blames the wife as most of those type men usually do.

    1. Charlie, I’m not sure where you got your views on this, but I’m guessing you’ve never been cheated on by your wife. There are a myriad of reasons why God condemns adultery. This has never been a grey area in the Bible. It’s wrong for husbands to commit adultery on their wives and it’s wrong for wives to commit adultery on their husbands. Anyone who reads your post and has gone through the utter pain and destruction of a relationship because their spouse committed adultery could give you volumes of reasons why it’s wrong, wrong, wrong. You can be as “open minded” on this as you want to, but God will never agree with your stand, and neither do we at Marriage Missions.

    2. I fail to see how it’s going to help your relationship. My wife and I have an agreement similar to domestic discipline. Basically throughout our marriage it was pretty obvious my wife was in charge but being a man, I felt the need to argue with her. Years of this became a problem until we went to therapy and they suggested we draft an agreement about behavior with each other. My wife’s position was that she was the boss and she would only stay with me if I agreed to that. So we drafted an agreement stipulating she would take control of the basic needs for our marriage: Funds, chores, family planning, healthcare and such. She also drafted a list of happiness goals I was to meet, simple things like flowers regularly and romantic dinners. For my efforts, she agrees to provide me praise. She is very kind and wonderful to me when I keep her happiness goals. When I fail, there is punishment. That consists of lectures and corner time. I know it sounds silly but it works for us. We have been under this agreement for two years and our marriage is stronger than ever.

  3. Please I need help here. I am 25 years old and my husband is 35 years old. I got married to my husband for a year now and we have a 6 month old baby. For six months now my husband never provides anything; no chop money, no buying of anything. Meanwhile he works and takes a salary every month. For six months I have had to use my money to cook for him, buy everything we need in the house and for the baby. And anytime he may be going to town and I send him with money he will only come back with empty hands and tell me a story. He can go out anytime without telling me where he goes; if I ask him he will get annoyed and will not talk to me again. I am tired of this marriage and need advice.

  4. Since woman’s lib she is like every one else? She is only my friend at least I consider her that. I don’t have sex with friends and I haven’t for years. I only do my own thing and she does hers. We have two small homes on our property she lives in hers and I live in mine, that includes taking care of her house and yard and I do my part. As far as sex and intimacy I personally have no use for it, no gay sex and no female lovers on the side. Now what she has done all these years is her own business and I never cared.

  5. Just for clarification, the husband should love his wife and the wife respect her husband. Not the other way around. Respect is a type of love, but it is more targeted. Ephesians 5:33, Paul writes, “let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

  6. A lot of the issues here can be avoided by just choosing a compatible partner to begin with. The above behaviour (and the equivalent for women) will happen naturally in a healthy relationship.

    You will already respect your partner because they give you reason to – they have similar level intellect, work hard, stay healthy, have good morals, etc. You will want to know her opinion when it comes to making decisions, because she is an excellent brainstorming partner and can give equal input. It won’t be something you have to deliberately remind yourself to do in order to ensure you ‘make them feel valued’.

    You will want to say and show you love them automatically, because you already feel that way. It won’t be something that requires a reminder.

    You won’t have to go out of your way to ‘make them feel important’ because you already have shared interests and enjoy spending time with them (not 24/7, but enough time that when you are apart it isn’t a big deal that needs compensating for).

    You won’t have to make extra effort to show you understand/accept her POV because you are already on the same wavelength and empathise at least on logical grounds. You actually do ‘know’ her and understand her. You don’t have to pretend to make her feel better.

    All of the advice given in this article reads as ‘if you’ve chosen someone incompatible, it’s not working out, but you want to at least pretend things are fine in order to keep the peace… follow these steps so your wife doesn’t suspect.’ Sorry, but if you are having to learn how to perform the act of happily married couple correctly from a random website, then your relationship has problems.