Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men. But in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why spouses leave marriage on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive. But hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion —particularly in the comment section below this message.
Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple —it’s because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it appears easier to divorce in today’s world.
So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms. It will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.
Why Wives Leave Marriage
If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:
- “She feels lonely and abandoned.”
- “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something.” (And we all know what the “something” is.)
- “He’s having an affair either emotionally—viewing pornography or physically having an affair.
- “She feels disconnected. She feels that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters.”
- “He seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her.”
And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.
Why Husbands Leave Marriage
Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare. This is followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious. I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.
As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things. First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:
- Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line.
- Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair.
- Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems. It can include child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.
Why Spouses Leave Marriage
We hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”). And we hear from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are ready to walk out or have already left. That is we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley. He wrote a helpful article titled, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares. So pray, glean, and see what speaks to you about your situation (whether you are the husband or the wife).
Here is a portion of what Dr Harley writes:
“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them —let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts. And when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
Feeling Neglected
“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.
“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”
Dr Harley continues:
“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, ‘He ignores me except when he wants sex. He sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. Plus, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.’ Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To learn more solutions Dr Harley gives, please read “Why Women Leave Men.”)
Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with without really realizing the effort it will take to make their marriage into a good one. Plus, their expectations are too high. This sets them up later for big problems as illustrated above.
Trashing and Cleaning Up Marriage
It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage—to get it to the place where it is messed up, needing a clean up. But when the marriage appears to be too much of a “mess” to clean up, that’s when spouses are tempted to just leave marriage. It appears to be too overwhelming.
In our 45+ years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley and Sue Boulin described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me. And sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs. I did not realize how important they were to her.
To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, How can we change this pattern so we don’t look at divorce as an option? I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen. It’s written in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:
“You can do two things that most people cannot resist. You can love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”
Think and pray about this. We have a lot of articles posted on this web site that can build upon this concept. Plus, we have articles that can help you to “clean up” the trashy attitudes and actions that spouses can fall into. Here are two of them:
• The Practice of Self Sacrifice
• Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen
The effort it will take to clean up a trashy marriage goes with the scriptures:
“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. Rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.“ (Galatians 5:13-15)
And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you need help, make improving your marriage your mission. Look around our web site to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.
We encourage you to go into the Romantic Ideas topic. Please read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” Applying some of these tips could help you to love and serve your spouse as God intends.
Steve and Cindy Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(USA) Seems like the blame is once again being placed on men.
I thought marriage was about what you gave, and not about what you get. So while I buy Dr Harley’s theories about the Love Bank (I spent thousands with him in counseling trying to win my unfaithful former wife back to the marriage without success.) So what Dr Harley says here is only half the story. Because while the woman has this perception that her husband doesn’t hear her, etc, what of the faithful (but clueless) husband who finally gets it, and she refuses to hear him, has her affair, etc?
I think if you combine this willful unwillingness to listen or to try on the part of the wife, with the likely indirect messages she’s been sending to him for years you have the makings of a marital disaster, and not just because of the clueless man.
As Dr Harley says, these marriages don’t involve abuse or infidelity. They involve a man who is not doing the things the woman wants him to do. So she calls it neglect.
Now I believe he should do those things. But I don’t think his failure to do those things is a valid ground for choosing divorce, let alone choosing to have an affair.
In many of Dr Harley’s other writings, he equates affairs with the rape of a spouse. Yet this is not addressed here.
Again, the man is bad is the tacit message here, but nothing about how if she chooses an affair to have her emotional needs met, that she has abused her husband in a nuclear fashion, compared to the abuse known as emotional neglect.
Choosing an affair is far and away far more hurtful and damaging to the marriage when compared to his neglect. I’m not saying he should neglect his wife. He shouldn’t. But let’s look at what Dr Harley says here. Few of these women are abused and/or cheated upon.
So I’d call the men clueless, or focused on the wrong things. I know I was. If you would have asked me, I would have said, I’m at home every night, even changed jobs so I could be home like she asked, and then she didn’t want to be with me. I made a good living, so she could be a stay at home mom, drove the kids to school and to doctors appointment or soccer practice, etc. And when I asked her how things were going, how we were, the answer was ALWAYS "fine!."
I’d say probably 9 out of 10 men who had unfaithful wives have a similar story. We have our head down, working for the family, checking with our wives and hearing the "fine." Then BAM! She’s unhappy, wants to find herself (which is code for I’m looking for myself in another man’s bed) it was a mistake to marry you, etc.
Then you go to your church, ask them to assist in getting the marriage back on track, and they blame YOU for her affair. "What did you do to cause her to have an affair?" — Nothing, people choose and are responsible for their own behavior.
"Did you beat her?" — Nope, didn’t even yell at her, even when I found out about the affair.
"Well, you must have done something wrong?" — I’m sure she has valid complaints about the marriage, none of them justify an affair, do they?
What about church discipline, you know, Matthew 18?
"We don’t do that, it doesn’t work." — It’s in the Bible, we are to try to resolve differences by first going to the alleged sinning party, and then take a few witnesses if they don’t respond and finally bring the matter before the church.
"We don’t do that, it doesn’t work."
So what’s a Godly man supposed to do when his wife’s sin, such as choosing an affair, or choosing to divorce because she feels neglected goes unchallenged by those who have set themselves up as the pro-family beacon in our society?
(CANADA) The truth is I have been cheated on by women in the past and it was not due to neglect as I was attentive and caring.They were just cheaters. Cheaters are cheaters. “Oh my husband neglected me!MY emotional needs are not being met!” These are just excuses.Cheating is a choice not a means to coping with a problem. You are a cheater or you are not.
(USA) Amen, and Amen, again Rudy. I don’t want to believe this but I have shown truth in my marriage time and time again.
(US) I’d like to echo the previous poster’s comments. I, like many husbands, was left by my wife for another man. Did she have her reasons? Of course, only a crazy person would destroy a decade long relationship for no reason at all… But just because someone had a reason for doing what they did doesn’t make what they did okay.
Look, you ask any husband… "Is there anything about your wife or your marriage you would change?" And if he answered honestly, of course there is! No one is ‘perfect’, the wife does things the husband doesn’t like. He sacrifices things he’d rather not have sacrifice for her. He puts up with things he would rather not have to put up with. Etc etc etc…
But husbands aren’t looking at what they have to give or their unmet needs and using it as an excuse to walk out on their families in droves. I read a statistic the other day that 70-75% of ALL divorces are filed by the wives. I’m sorry, but i just can not believe that 3 out of every 4 husbands are Bad husbands.
All the ‘husbands’ I know are putting up with nagging wives, who do nothing but complain. If they contribute anything to the relationship at all, the husband never hears the end of it. I know TWO husbands, right of the top of my head who work (the wives don’t). The husbands do all the laundry, come home from work and cook dinner, do the dishes afterward and then spend the rest of the evening cleaning house and or other household chores… The wives rarely even get out of bed by 10am… And when they finally do get up, they spend most of their day goofing off on a computer or on the phone with their friends badmouthing their husbands.
I’ve discovered by having conversations with men I know, and wives via separate overlapping friendships, most women tell ridiculous lies about their husbands to justify their nasty attitudes towards their husbands.
Marriage is a two way street… neither party gets what they want when they want it how they want it all the time. And the problem with marriage today is obvious. We have an entire generation of women who have been taught that marriage is about being catered to, having HER needs met, and enjoying everything HE has to offer… and if things aren’t perfect, get a divorce and find another guy to leech off of… while continuing to leech off the first husband in the form of alimony, child support, etc… Women of this generation have turned marriage into a racketeering scheme.
No one condoned the age of ‘wife beating’ or guys out running around on their wives, or running off from their families. Women did it then too. No one ever thought it was OK… Now all you ever hear women say is "Men have been doing it for generations".
In other words, they say "It’s my goal in life to model the behavior of the lowliest scumbag".
Thankfully men are catching on and marriage rates are plummeting. I saw a statistic the other day that 28% of men will never marry or marry again by choice, and another 12% state they will only marry a non-US/foreign born lady or were already married to one. That’s already 40% of US males who have sworn off US females. That bears repeating… 40% of men in this country refuse to marry the women in this country. Why? It probably has something to do with the fact EVERY married man I know is relatively miserable and unhappy in his marriage. They’re working the job, supporting the family, etc… They’re kind, gentle husbands and neighbors and coworkers, and their wives? They’re mean, vindictive, self-centered, hateful people that no one but other wives wants to be around.
If you want to fix the sorry state of marriage in this country, you’re going to have to fix the sorry state of the average wife. They’re miserable cause they’re self-centered! They’re spoiled! Quit catering to them… you’re just making the situation worse.
(UNITED STATES) After reading your entire post, as well as the first post and the article, I’m a little shocked. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough go, but calling American wives self-centered, mean, hateful, vindictive, that’s a little much.
My husband and I just had our first child (he’s 4 months old), and we’ve been married for 5 months (you do the math, although we’ve known each other for 9 years). Over the course of our relationship; the stress of moving to a new city, pregnancy woes and demands, deciding not to put the baby in daycare (resulting in me becoming a stay at home mother), we’ve been through a lot.
As a stay at home mom, I see that it’s my responsibility to maintain the household. I wake up with the baby and my husband at 8am every morning. I do the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the dusting, and the cooking..AND I have no issue with doing it. I never ask for help. I know he works every day to support our new family, for which I am immensely fortunate and appreciative.
Yesterday, I had an interview for a new job. A month after having our child, I started a new job (seasonal, that ended with Christmas and it came time to search again). Leaving the job that I had while I was pregnant was a huge blow to my self esteem and our wallet. I worked until 3 days before I gave birth..and that was only because my employer told me not to come back, to rest (I was 11 days late and still goin’ strong).
My husband makes enough that we aren’t in need. All the bills are paid and then some. We have enough saved up for extra hobbies and wants, AND the baby has his own chunk of money as well. We don’t spend beyond our means. I just feel it necessary to contribute. I’ve had good work ethic my whole life, and I don’t feel useless, but I feel I could be doing a little more.
Now following with the article, one of the first things that attracted me to my husband was his willingness to please. Backrubs at any time, compliments, sex, surprise gifts. He spoiled me to the hilt. When we moved in together, it slowed down almost to a stop. There’s no sex, no backrubs, no calls to ask how the day is going. He’s comfortable. He’s practically in his own world. While I realize that sometimes I feel needy, there are things I shouldn’t have to beg for.
I’m not bitter. I’m not mean or vindictive. I’m trying to keep us strong, especially when we aren’t far into marriage at all and already disagreeing. I just feel as though it’s one sided (his one-sidedness is with the television).
I love my husband. I’ve loved him since the day I met him. We aren’t perfect, our marriage isn’t perfect, but I love him. I’ve experienced divorce with my parents. I’ve seen my mother lose entire paychecks to her ex-husband’s child support demands. I’ve seen friends and my own family torn apart. Regardless of the neglect I may feel at one instant in what will be a life-long relationship (til death do us part), I don’t let it consume me. I don’t look for “ways out” or other men. I don’t treat him like crap. I deal with it and try to see what I may be doing wrong, to see both sides.
So while you’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine, I find it pretty offensive that you resort to name calling and women bashing. Not every woman is a needy, spoiled, self-centered, lazy, brat. Before you start pointing the finger at women, consider there are exceptions, and that you’re on a Christian website.
(NORWAY) It has been some time since you left the reply, but I found this interesting. You’re a good woman.
We people must realize that life is ups and downs, and to build a family, secure it etc, takes time. While a man is working full time or more, of course he is tired after work. The primary task becomes maintaince and future survival of the family, the kids and wife. So, the caring, sweet love and affection turns into a more practic way of living.
To keep some of it should be not too hard. But in the whole picture, we men needs some input too of that, and it can be periods with less or no affection. That’s a normal thing, and has nothing to do with lack of love.
After a while, if you guys stay together, the baby grows bigger and he will have time to get used to this and the affection will come back more. All this is a natural thing. But people tend to want everything always. Men nor woman are machines.
Care for each other and have a genuine interest in each other’s doings. That is the key, and to be able to talk about it all. That’s my 50 cents.
(USA) It’s not just men or women, the parents have spoiled their kids, gave them everything, made them the center of attention, and the kids don’t have any responsibilities. Then they get married and they have to share responsibilities, they aren’t the center of attention anymore, and they can’t handle it. Never marry an only child; they got everything anytime they wanted it and they were daddy’s little girl. Everything has to be their way, and you will always be compared to their dad.
I know, I was married to one. To her, her dad was a saint but everybody thought he was a slob. He treated his wife like a dog but she was daddy’s little girl. If I had treated her the way he treated his wife we would have been married a week insted of 20 yrs. I was 39 and my heart started giving me a lot of trouble. I had a pacemaker put in and it helped a little. I had to stop being self empolyed, welding and I was a carpenter. I had to take on a less paying job. I was going through a tough time. I had been there for my wife when her dad died, and her grandmother’s death, and when she had her ovaries removed, and all the harmone troubles, but when I started having a tough time she ran around on me.
She got hers though, because he was a ex-con, been in jail for manslaughter, in and out of jail all his life, been married 3 times; he cheated on all of them and beat them. He hadn’t worked in 22 yrs, used up all my wife’s savings and 401k and beat her too. She didn’t know anything about him. I tried to tell her but she wouldn’t listen. I got the house and my kids wanted to live with me. She had to pay child support.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side. I was told that after 2 or 3 years of all marriage the love bubble busts, and you still love each other but it’s not like newlyweds. Also, they say in long marriages you fall in and out of love several times. People, when you have trouble don’t turn to some other man or woman, cause it will be the same way in 2 or 3 years as it is now if you get hooked up with them.
(USA) Hi, Christine. I am happy for you and wish you all the best of luck, but I have to clearly and overwhelmingly agree with the gentleman that you took position with. I was married for almost 10 years with two kids, a real relationship, a real love, and a real family and my wife left me and slept around like she was eating twizzlers at a movie theatre. It has been some time and it is still shocking. Nothing could have been further from reality for me to expect.
The last two years we were together, I noticed that she would plot, set me up; I don’t know if I love you, months later, I think I know I don’t love you, months later; periodically and in “convenience fashion”, I don’t love you etc etc etc. She was head over heels about me, loved me very much, had light in her eyes almost all the time, we had a family. If I were to have a conversation about the future with her during those years she would of looked at me like I was delirious or crazy, or stupid.
Yet, at the moment, day or week or two of the first affair, there was very little I recognized about my wife, and pretty soon after that, nothing I could recognize. She became someone else, and she has never returned to her former self as of this very day. So, in point of statement, you feel that way now, but if you remember if the time comes, a year, 8 years, and then remember what I said. I have to wholeheartedly agree with this gentleman. He is almost right on the money and it makes a LOT of senses what he says. It is the saddest thing I’ve ever been through times 10. But seeing is believing. Good luck.
(CANADA) Couldn’t have said it better myself. The majority of women I know treat their husbands poorly, and the only thing in the marriage they put 100% into is using their husband as an ATM and complaining about what they are not getting. Regardless of the how much they are getting.
A friend of mine just had his wife leave him and call him a loser. He provided a $1.6 million dollar home to live in, Annual vacations that usually cost $25-$30,000, A mercedes and an SUV for family vehicles, Designer clothes and $800 a month for nails and hair. After 9 years of marriage she took his son and is now chasing Richer men. For many women men are just ATMs.
Men are more loving than women and give more and we are being trained that we are bad and that we avoid comittment. The truth is in the numbers. It is women who lack committment. Men rarely leave and it is not because women have good reason. Could it be that women are the bad ones and that Men are the good ones?
(UNITED STATES) There may be some gold diggers out there, but I am not one of them. In fact, my husband wants to have the material things and I need a dose of compliments, support, conversation about anything besides kids or anything that doesn’t involve criticism. I want his listening and attentive ear. Not all of these things are needed at the same time nor should it be a perfunctory task. Right now I would love a hug. I have initiated a hug many times, but has he? No!
My primary love language is time. I like all of the love languages, but the least important is the one to do with giving gifts. My greatest gift to someone is my time because I value it so much, but not everyone’s has the same love language. If my husband gave me his time by doing the things above every now and then, I would be as happy as a lark. I might even buy him something special. Right now during this recession, it is difficult to not be a bit frugul, but I would be happy to get him something within our means.
I have recently asked my mother in law why women have to spell things out to men and why they don’t research ways on their own to improve their marriage. She didn’t have much of answer except that she pitifully put up with a lack of romance. Women’s magazines have articles on such topics, but do men’s? No! That is why they are so lost on what to do! My husband’s lack of attention, communication, and nonsexual touch has been frustrating, stressfull, and caused me difficulty with concentrating on anything else. I think he does it on purpose so he can cause me to fail my college classes, discontinue my degree plan, and go back to full time job to support his desire for material things.
(USA) As I read all of these comments, I can’t help but wonder how God feels to see the way we humans treat family. He treasures family. We seem to get way too caught up on our own emotions, needs, and desires, that we neglect to serve and to love our mates.
If only we listened! If only we paid attention to what the other is saying!
I, too, value time together way more than gifts. Gifts are nice, but they will never substitute for time together.
Many of us end up alone because someone decides to walk away and when they do, there is nothing we can do about it, except hope and pray they will have a change of heart, turn around and genuinely do for their marriages what they promised someday in front of God, family, and friends.
But unless they do have a change of heart, turn to God and seek to stand for what is right, there is nothing one can do. Satan will enter a situation, if given a chance. Affairs and divorce take place because people are too selfish, too egotistical to want to focus on their mates. Instead, they focus on their own needs, careers, goals, as well as on their disappointments, and they have no trouble leaving and filing for divorce.
Like the Wright’s stated above, divorce is easy. It is actually the easier way out. To fight for something, to work out the problems, to stay in spite of what we are not so happy about, that’s hard.
Lu, you better go head girl! I have been reading from the beginning and you have been the ONLY one to mention GOD!!! We all have issues in marriage but it’s very likely that all this confusion, is because GOD is not the center of the relationship. I could be wrong but it appears most of these comments are geared towards making the readers see how great they are as opposed to their spouse. GOD created marriage as the very model of display for the relationship the church is to have with Christ. Shame on anyone who receives pleasure from someone else’s misfortune even if they did you wrong. Forgiveness is the key to restoration. And to think that God will allow anything to prosper other than what one puts their hands to, that harbor unforgiveness in their hearts? Uhhh…no.
(USA) I needed my husband more than he could give himself to me (I realized later) and for the first five years of our marriage, this neediness vs avoidance situation in our marriage, was the prime cause of disagreements in our marriage. The more I needed his friendship and togetherness, the faster he took off. The saddest part is that he usually developed friendship bonds with other women and this completely wiped out my self-esteem.
Eventually I decided to disengage from him and stop needing him. I taught myself not to ask for help around the house and our two kids (helping around the house was one of our issues). Some friends advised me that if I did not need him, he would eventually ‘come back’ as a more involved and engaged partner. For a while, my plan worked just fine and he was relieved (I think) because now I did not ask for his help at home or to spend time with him. But my jobs started to suffer because I was constantly tired and having pent up frustrations; I did lose good jobs. And I became lonely too. My husband is not the person who opens up emotionally and he does not know how to react when I open up to him.
Anyway, I met a man and had a year-long affair with him before my husband realized what was happening. His reaction shocked me. He fought me and the man like a kid fights someone who steals his toy. I felt like I was a mere possession in his life, like a prized old car that you just park in the garage, not wanting to sell.
I stopped seeing this man after I realized how much the affair affected my hubby. So you would think he would want a change in our relationship. No, things are even worse. I pay half the rent, take care of the kids clothing, school and extra needs, do the grocery with my income and takes care of miscellaneous needs like my car repairs… and other needs as they come. I do 100% household care, 95% of the kids care, including homework and teaching them school stuff. I am a full time MA student with a full time job.
I have resorted back to my old days of doing it all because it is the only way to keep peace in this family. But I am angry and frustrated and tired. When he discovered the affair, he sent detailed emails to all my family members and his family members about it, and most of his friends. He also threw in lies to solidify his claims; he said that I do not ‘cook’ for him, I do not take care of the family, etc… the works, he said it all.
Now, even though I live with him, I realize that this is the way it is going to be. The only way to live with him is to cater to his needs, the kids needs and muffle my own needs. I don’t know if I am strong enough to live this way. Unfortunately I am one person who needs regular emotional connections and for now, I continue my lonely life as I wonder if I even love him enough to put up with his avoidance personality.
(USA) My story is very similiar to yours. My estranged husband and I were high school sweethearts. After high school, I chose to go to college and pursue my career while he decided that school “wasn’t for him” and stayed home and worked various odd jobs. I ended up pregnant my junior year in college and dropped out for a couple of years. During that time, I came home and stayed with my husband and his mother.
I admit that my husband wasn’t “setting the world on fire” but I really loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. To my surprise, I found out that he was cheating on me. He also abused me emotionally and verbally. I actually left him after my son was born. During that time, I enrolled back and school and continued to get my life on track. He never wanted to commit until I was almost finished with school and he noticed other guys beginning to take an interest in me. I wanted to have my son’s father in my child’s life so I took him back and we got married, bought a house and did the whole nine yards.
We eventually had 2 additional children as well. I was the bread winner for I got a very good job when I graduated from college. During our marriage, I provided 80% of the income while my husband refused to get serious with his job for he needed time for his basketball officiating hobby. I also cooked when I could, communicated 95% of time with my children’s school, cleaned the house or hired someone to do it, etc. I felt like I had to be this superwoman. This got old and I found that I was often depressed, tired, and moody. My husband would hang out with the boys quite often and act like he had no responsibility around the house. Everything was on me.
I admit that I did alot of nagging during those earlier years but I eventually checked out. I started going back to church and realized just how dysfunctional my marriage was and wanted to leave after my second child but I was persuaded to stay by members of my church. That was year 5 of my marriage. At that point, I threw myself into my kids, work, and God. I stopped complaining. I started focusing on the positive traits in my husband and started praying to God for my marriage. It helped some but the connection was never there. My husband would ignore me emotionally and never felt compelled to work on our marriage. I also noticed that he was very self-centered and only cared about his own needs. He also never cared about my well being. I would sometime leave the house at midnight to go to the Super Walmart and he would yell behind me to pick him up some beer.
He also had multiple affairs during our marriage. I later found out that most of these affairs occured during my most vulnerable time in my life like when I was pregnant or sick. My husband wasn’t a provider, protector, or a teacher. He was just there. For awhile, I accepted that this was my lot in my life but resentment would rear its ugly head. I started asking my husband to go to counseling with me over a two year period but he refused. I went on my own but warned my husband that this will come back to bite us in the butt. Well, in the 17th year of my marriage, I had an affair and I took to that affair like a starving person would to food. This man gave me everything that my husband refused. My husband found out about the affair shortly after it started and I tried to stop but I have to admit it was next to impossible. Like your husband, he has tried to have physical altercations with both this man and myself. Told anyone that would listen that I was having an affair, including our kids. I pointed out to him that he has had affairs of his own but he feels that his affairs weren’t as bad as mine for it was just sex and my affair was emotional.
I am not proud of this but I eventually just wanted to walk away from my marriage. I know that I did not handle the situation correctly and I am sorry for that but I do not feel this marriage is good for either of us. I believe that if a man is really into a woman that he will treat her good. If something is valuable to you, you treat it with care. I do not believe that my husband ever really loved me like that and I feel that I would rather be by myself than to settle for a marriage where we are only together out of obligation.
Now, my husband is trying to milk everything he can out of the divorce. He is asking for alimony and for me to pay for his attorney fees. I have lost all respect for him at this point. He doesn’t care how his greed will impact his kids or anything for the amount of alimony he is seeking may hinder me keeping our underwater house and my kids have made it clear that they would like to stay in the house. He can care less. All he cares about is getting back at me.
I don’t want anything from him. I don’t even want child support. So many of the men that are women bashing on this site need to see that there are some women out here that have given their all to their mates. I am completely drained now. I do not have anymore to give.
I sympathize with you because all I hear is the enemy. It’s all lies from the pits of hell. You very well should be drained. There is nothing we can do outside of God. Your focus should be on submitting your all to GOD so HE can change you. Leave your husband to GOD. GOD is a miracle worker. The enemy is the one who told you if you do all these things that it would make your husband start to do what you wanted. You gave nothing so that’s what he gave you back.
Love is a choice. It’s not something to do so you get something in return. You love and honor your husband because that is what GOD commands. If your husband is not doing what he is supposed to then what does that have to do w/you? GOD deals with us about our own obedience to HIM. I promise when you are at Heaven’s Gates to get your crown He is not going to give you rewards based on of what your husband did or did not do. Stop listening to the devil. HE IS A LIAR!!! Even at this point if you are hardened and want to divorce, GOD is merciful. HE rains on the just as well as the unjust. You are 100% responsible for your relationship. Your husband is 100% responsible for your relationship. You can’t justify an affair by saying he had multiple one’s and it was while you were pregnant or sick. The fact of the matter is both of you were wrong and need to repent if you haven’t.
Ask GOD to help you forgive. Bitterness causes all kinds of problems leading right to unforgiveness. I know it’s hard and I can actually say that. After 20 years of marriage, my husband told me yesterday he thinks we should get a divorce and he has moved on. We have 2 adult children and a senior in high school. I was more devastated because I could see the pain in his eyes. He said that I deserve better than him and I need to move on and be with someone who will be good to me. I wept for my husband so hard b/c I know the enemy wants me to fall into this trap and walk away from him… but the HELL I WILL!! I am a godly wife. I am committed to my husband and better than that I trust GOD. It’s not easy. But it’s getting easier. GOD is for my marriage so who thinks they can stand against it? Not a devil in hell or on earth. My focus is on GOD and has been for a while. The promises HE has made me override the lies of the enemy.
I am my husbands helpmeet. There are no prayers on this earth more powerful to hit heavens throne room than that of a wife for her husband. My eyes are on HIM and I trust HIM. Trusting GOD is being ok with unanswered questions b/c there are going to be a lot of things that don’t make sense. There are things my husband will never be able to do for me that only GOD can. The thing my husband does not do I still have to go to GOD in prayer about. I can tell my husband what I need from him but I cannot make him do anything. I treat him the way I want to be treated. I have seen major changes in him when doing what GOD says rather than some outsider. Still, I chose to love him and do it as unto the LORD. GOD honors obedience and humility.
My husband and I are going to have 60+ years of marriage. The devil has been planting seeds like this in my husbands mind off and on for years. But my husband is a good man. He has not always done right but neither have I. My husband purchased the divorce papers and started filling them out yesterday. I DON’T CARE! The devil is not breaking up this family and ALL will be restored for HIS glory. My husband told me he loves me and he trusts me more than anyone else. But those lies are easy to believe when it is not counteracted by the Word of GOD. My husband has been backslidden for years but I stay in my place. I don’t try to go filling his shoes. He’s the head of the household whether he is operating that way or not. He’s always taking care of our family and an excellent provider. He is a sweet man. When GOD is not priority it leaves room for the serpent to come. God promised me HE would restore ALL.
It appears that yesterday should have been my breaking point but I’m on to the enemy. I still believe what GOD said. Divorce papers don’t mean anything. I’ve signed papers before and years later we are still married. But GOD told me earlier this year. “You’re never going through this again!” Hallelujah!!! GOD knows us even if we don’t know HIM because HE created us. Really pray. GOD loves you, your husband and your children. It’s 2 years later but GOD’s timing is not our timing. I pray all is well with your family. Be blessed!!!
(USA) You know, I’ve read all these men’s reviews which are so bitter toward women in general. To throw all women in the same pot is wrong. You men have been hurt badly. We get it. I’m very sorry for your pain, really. Everybody knows that if you hang out with bad people, you have a life full of betrayal and pain. You guys talk about ALL WOMEN….ALL WOMEN.
Newsflash for ya boyz…it’s just the women YOU choose to hang out with. Change your lifestyle, change your life. Good luck to you all. I really hope you find happiness …not in a woman …but in God and what you do to help others in this world, less fortunate. Quit hyperfocusing on yourself …help others. There are thousands of needy children and adults throughout the world. Devote yourself to community service and see what blessings pour into your lives.
(USA) You are right. I found my unfaithful ex-wife in the church. That was a bad choice. After my divorce, when I started looking again, it was a personal ad on Yahoo!
After all, given my experience with what you suggest is a choice or lifestyle problem on the man’s part (nice blame shift, BTW, nothing about the woman who chooses to have an affair or otherwise break her vows, nope, according to you, it’s the man’s fault, proving my point in the very first post in this topic), why would I go looking in my local church for a wife?
After all, the church did nothing to help when the first wife I found in the church chose to have an affair. So I learned not to look there for a bride. So in some measure, I followed your advice, avoiding the bad choice I previously made looking for a wife in a church setting.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for a little over 30 yrs. During that time he has been verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. The only time he would show affection is when he wants sex, then it’s wham bam thank you maam. He’d roll over and fall asleep. No professions of love and no cuddling. I would say I love him and he’d reply grudingly. He had a poor childhood where there was no expression of love-any affection was withheld. His mother did not know how or refused to express it. She was a mean, bitter, angry, resentful and held a grudge like no ones business. 3 of her 4 children have grown up to be just like her, my husband being 1 of the 3. Anything I had ever done wrong unknowingly, even if I apologized for it, is still being held over my head and he cannot wait to bring it up and hash it up when he blows his stack over something minor. I get blamed for things I don’t even do. Like with his mother, if he misplaces something, I get blamed for it. If he finds it where HE put it, I get blamed for moving it and get yelled at. I NEVER get an apology for being falsely blamed. In the 30 yrs we’ve been married I have yet to be apologized to when he’s been out of line and hurt my feelings. He refuses to admit when he is wrong because he told me point blank he is not wrong. His mother says the same thing, she is never in the wrong.
I have been fighting depression for many years because I had been supressing sexual abuse by a sibling. I had gotten to the point I could no longer supress it and started getting counseling for it the past few years. But it took a major toll on me. I’ve been fighting chronic migraines for 20 yrs and since May 2010 I started getting them more debilitating every day. They have made my life hell and I’ve been working hard and have had 3 neurologists, tried so many alternative treatments along w/traditional ones they have driven me insane. Well, he said he’s tired of it and can’t take it anymore. Well, how do you think I feel being in constant pain-no picnic for me. And depression w/chronic long term pain and chronic insomnia (getting 1-2 hrs sleep a night max-major sleep depravation) go hand in hand as well.
Back in 2010 and just recently this past month I had been comtemplating suicide. With the lack of my husbands support, his sarcasam, his hateful words, his attacks, the excruitiating pain, the lack of quality of life, I wanted to end it all. Just a couple of weeks it became a real crisis and I actually had to be hospitalized because I was too close to the edge. I spent 8 days on the Depression unit. The only actual visitor I had who came to just visit with me to spend quality time with me was my best friend of 27 yrs, who I’ve been able to count on for all my emotional support, along with her fiance. My husband came to check me out and I was not home for more than 10 min when I asked him if he told anyone where I had been. His reply was quote “no, I could not tell anyone you were in the psycho ward” I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I muttered “you think I was in the pyscho ward, it was the depression unit” he then replied “things like that you don’t talk about, they are better off kept private” to which I replied “so you think I’m a psycho and your embarassed of me–nice”. I asked him which would he had preferred then, to tell his family I went to get treated for major depression or just not gotten help and had killed myself. I never got a reply to that one.
So for my homecomming I then had to cook supper, after he got ticked on the way home I had to get RX’s filled to take that night and got delayed coming home, then his hurtful comments-so I was crying while cooking. I stayed up until after midnight crying and stayed up all night off and on crying. He NEVER apologized. I brought up a few days later. He got pissed I did that I was hashing up things and I said yes I am cause it’s unresolved because I told him he keeps hurting me and never apologizing. I asked him if he really truely wants to continue this way. I was floored by his response-he said he doesn’t believe hes doing anything wrong and does not believe he has to change! So I am coming to grip with the reality that I am going to have to distance myself and become emotionally unavailable to him. I have not told him I loved him since before I left for the hospiltal and I will not do so again. I will not share any personal information or feelings with him. I will keep my distance and build a shell around myself out of self preservation. And all this time I will be planning on what to do because I cannot continue to live this toxic lifestyle. I cannot continue to live with someone that has no regards for my feelings, who takes a preverse joy in hurting me emotionally. He can use the excuse of his childhood for so long. It’s time to grow up and be a man and make a change and be a better person. If he chooses not to do it then he’s a coward. I know the vows I took are for better for worse in sickness and in health for richer and poorer til death do us part, but I did not agree to be emotionally downtrodden, emotionally abused, emotionally neglected, treated with disrespect. I know it’s a 2 way street, but I have not treated him with such vile contempt as he has treated me. I do not deserve this and it’s time for me to do something about it. I have to protect myself. I can’t do it anymore. 30 years of this is 30 years too much.
(USA) I am not sure where this article called men “the bad ones”, I don’t even believe this article is one sided. I read that women can expect too much of men. Divorce has become an easy way out for both men and women especially in the U.S. I am sorry that the men commenting so far have had terrible things happen to them. There is absolutely NO excuse for cheating regardless if a woman feels neglected emotionally or physically. If the woman were the one being cheated on then they wouldnt want an excuse from their husbands so it shouldnt be the other way around either.
I truly believe the issue falls on the fact that women and men dont fully understand each others differences. A great book to read is, Love & Respect
, by Emerson Eggerichs. I don’t believe that people that tell you to stay are “selling” anything either, I believe they genuinely care for you and they want you to do what God has called you to do and that is take your covenant of marriage to the grave as you vowed before God, to each other and to everyone else who witnessed it.
Too often Christians are being hush, hush when really we need to take a stand for marriages and encourage. God works all things for the good no matter how hard it may seem at the time. I havent been cheated on and I have only been married a year, but I know things may come our way. However, I am vowing to myself that divorce is NEVER an option. I made a promise. No matter how badly you are hurt just remember Jesus died on the cross for you too and it is only by grace that you were saved. Now with that said, I feel as though some of these comments have a bit of bitterness and resentment to them and to that I will say you are only hurting yourself. Emotionally and physically and for your future. Not all women treat their husbands poorly and not all women expect too much, and not all women use their husbands for money. Satan is so good at his job and a lot of us forget that. He has a foothold on so many marriages, any temptation he can throw in there at your most vulnerable time he will and if you dont put the armor of God on then you will epically fail every time. Men, Women, whatever your race, religion… Satan knows what he is doing and we cant defeat him alone. Not in our marriages, not in our friendships and not in our every day ventures. God is the only one better at his job than Satan and the only that can beat him.
Satan ruins marriages. He wants families broken up first because then it causes the trickle down effect on your family, kids, finances…to the point you give up, hate God, blame everyone but yourself and hate and dont trust anyone. Its time to take a stand and that is for Men and Women. Does your marriage mean enough to you to stay? Did you once love this person enough to say, “I do”? Your spouse is generally a good willed person but they will make mistakes. Stop putting your spouse on a pedastal as your God or you will continue to set you and your spouse up for failure. Forgive, love unconditionally, never cease in prayer and allow Christ to be your #1 so that he can nourish your marriage, so he can water your roots into deeper ground so that when the earth does shake you will continue to be planted.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” God Bless, Megan
(USA) The first iteration of the article was about why wives leave husbands. It gave all the reasons women used to justify breaking their vows. Essentially saying, “guys, if you would shape up, women wouldn’t find it necessary to abandon their vows.”
It has since been changed and updated since its initial form.
(UK) I’ve been married for 23 years have 3 children. All my life my husband has never given me any money, all the time he took off me, he pays the bills and the morgage but he is so lazy. All the holidays we’ve ever had were paid by me, kid’s clothes, furnishing for the house etc. I do everything from cooking, cleaning, washing, ioroning, even the weekly shopping. He just comes home eats his meal which I prepare, sits and watches tv.
Recently we had a massive argument where he admitted being lazy and accepted the fact that he never paid for anything. He now walks around with his head buried in the sand, no communication whatsoever; he sleeps in our bed while I sleep on the settee. I am extremely unhappy. I told him to free me. It’s as if he doesn’t care and why should he he’s got the best of everything –comes home to a clean house and a hot meal; he doesn’t even help clear the table. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I have completely shut down and won’t even look him in the eye. What does this man know about love??? What am I to do???
(USA) I believe I can say not all women believe men are ATMS. In fact now a days I see a lot more women as main supporters of their families. I just wish mine knew how to work! I have always been the one to pay our bills, bail him out when he didn’t make enough, and have been the responsible one.
Women leave husbands like mine and I am the idiot who stays. He drinks like a fish, almost a bottle a day, he smokes pot, he doesn’t help around the house, hates my kids and is jealouse of them. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, and I am the only one with a driver’s licence. So I must take him to work everyday, not a big deal. But then he is so insecure that he calls me 2 hours early to come get him, so I can sit in our car and he knows where I am and what I am doing, even knowing I am not the type to lie.
(USA) Actually, what I have learned is that women who are in circumstances like yours or worse are NOT the ones who leave. I am sure there are exceptions, but for the most part the vast majority of those who leave are not leaving an abusive, adulterous or addicted spouse.
(USA) Absolutely!!! Been there and had it done to me by a spoiled female that believed all of the stuff going around that orbits around in her fantasy filled brain.
(USA) Well written Scott! As a guy who is 44 years old and married faithfully for the past 15 years to my wife who was previously married 5 years with 2 kids, I totally see Scott’s points. I was born in 1967 but wish I was born in 1930 instead. From what I’ve read over the years about the 1950’s, women used to feel as though their husbands were a HUGE part of their lives and they did things to make him happy and therfore make the marriage more stable.
I’m not saying wives “have” to do anything their husbands want, just that they thought of them more back then. With the divorce rate as high as it is now, do women (wives) think of the husband as only a “way” to get what they want out of life? If it doesn’t work exactly how they had planned, get rid of him and get another one. Today everything is a throw-away society and it seems like some women treat their marriages that way too.
I was suprised to see that 75% of divorces are filed by women, but usually the husbands lose so much more than the women anyway, no matter whose fault brought them there. If it wasn’t so easy to divorce nowadays, maybe couples would actually try a little harder to make it work.
Guys are usually NOT complicated beings and I’ve seen more women be sneaky and back handed than men faced with the same situations. Again I wasn’t there, but look at couples who were married in the “old” days and usually they are still married. They knew it took hard work to earn a living, raise 5 or more kids, keep the marriage strong, do more of the right thing and looked to God for inspiration and seek out His wisdom. Maybe the men and women of that era were truly the “Greatest Generation” in more ways than people thought. I kinda think so… Steve
(USA) I don’t know if you will ever get this reply or not. I have said about wives what you said and I am a woman. I know women that take their husbands for granted and have never had to work outside the home one day of their lives. I grew up without a dad. So understanding what it was to have a man around to cut grass, repair things, buy your first car and even help you maintain it were just beyond foreign concepts to me. As I got older and began to finally hear men speak about a “HONEY DO” list my stomach turned. My sister and I grew up with a mother who never ever had a man to lean on and we had to learn to do it all by ourselves or pay to have it done by a professional. So needless to say any woman that sat around all day making up lists to hand to her husband when he came in from work, made my blood absolutely boil. If you want the house painted… PAINT IT YOURSELF… want the car washed? WASH IT YOURSELF!!!
I am 47 years old now and when I tell you I have never had one boyfriend who so much as offered to cut the grass for me or my mother; I kid you not! I don’t expect them to do it, but it would be nice if they cared enough to just offer. I don’t know what has happened between men and women but it truly frightens me. There is, what seems to be, an unbridgeable disconnect and the war between the two sexes seems to be raging further and further out of control. I will say I work so hard to be fair, level headed and to never ever be a “TAKER” but I too have found myself in several relationships with men that literally gave NOTHING! ZIP. Not even a dinner out. What are the answers? I wish I knew.
I believe most people want someone to love and be loved in return. Most all of us simply want someone who will be at our side faithfull cheering us on and supporting us through the triumphs and of course the darkest of times. My mother always said, “Don’t do anything to get a man that you wouldn’t do to keep him. It’s dishonest!” I’ve lived by those words. It’s a sad thing when you look at how brilliant and skilled so many are at getting INTO a relationship and it is for one reason… when everyone starts out they have one magic word in their vocabulary that is sure to win their intended over every time! “YOU”
In the beginning, all realationships start our with two people saying “YOU”. What do “you” want to do? Can I get “you” something to eat? Would “you” like me to rub your back for “you”? I would love to see “you” tonight! The intention and the focus is all about the other person. Then one day that “selfless”ness that worked magic and created chemistry turns into “selfish”ness. Why didn’t you pay attention to “me”? Why aren’t you nicer to “me”? Give “me” this or Get “me” that. “I” don’t want to! Once I and me and the selfish equation is introduced, harsh realities of push and pull tug-o-wars ensue and the downward spiral rapidly appears and begins to cause descension between two people that once loved each other passionately.
Men seem to be at war with women and vice versa. They even seem to despise each other at times readily pointing fingers for they didn’t get from or what they had to give up for their partners. Accusations, insults, belittling comments and attacks start to become the days new way of communicating when trying to express how their BELOVED has FAILED them.
I’ve never been married so is it fair for me to judge? Probably not. I only know what I see and what I hear and some days the bashing coming from both sides leaves me reeling with hopelessness about the state of affairs between husbands and wives today.
I have always wished that I could finally hear a man honestly say what he wants from a woman… stated clearly, with great forethought and in detail. I’ve always wanted to be married but more importantly I’ve wanted to stay that way after I take my vows.
It would be so nice if we could all put down our swords… really it would. There has to be a way to find mutual understanding meaningful enough to bond a man and a woman together in a wonderful marriage the way it was intended. I have NO RESPECT whatsoever for a man who will trash his wife to his friends behind her back and vice versa. It’s the unhealthiest most detrimantal thing you can do to your spouse and to your marriage. It solves nothing and your friends secretly think less of both you and your spouse but will never say it to your face.
So, perhaps the first step is to stop criticising and running down our spouses to outside forces and start really hearing what our partner needs from us to be truly fulfilled. I apologize for the very lengthy message. I hope none of what I have said has offended or bothered you in any way. I just wanted to say that I read your post and I hear you….and I agree. Something has got to change. On both sides… Women have got to stop living with such a self-justified feeling of entitlement and maybe men could really start thinking a little more with their hearts. Just an observation from a woman who’s never been married.
Great insights Jill. I agree with you.
(USA) I agree. I know how you can hear the simple truth you seek. Make it safe for a guy to say what he wants. No fear of being told he is too primal, or not deep enough, or that his needs are shallow.
Guys really want to tell. What we don’t want is to then be criticized for being open and honest. If you want a close, intimate relationship, then you have to open to the idea that your husband is not going to be the same as you. He will bring different perspectives on marriage and family and different priorities. Not inferior, but different, necessary and equally valid as your own.
It is not that men don’t value relationships. We do. Just not necessarily the same attributes as do women, generally speaking. Value and respect those perspectives and you will be rewarded with an even more close and intimate relationship with your man.
(USA) Everything you wrote is 100% true. I was in a horrible marriage with a lazy wife. I have supported her for the last 12 years. Now she filed for divorce and is asking for child support, alimony and additional money. She took money from me and treated me like dirt. I will never remarry and I will tell every man I know to try and avoid getting married and if they choose to marry, they should get a prenup.
(US) BTW, my ex-wife’s reason for running off with another man? She just didn’t love me any more.
Isn’t that just amazing? A husband is the only catagory of person someone can just magically wake up one day and not love anymore. No one ever stops loving their kids, their parents, their extended family… heck… no one even ever just stops loving their pets.
So when women stop treating their husbands worse than dogs… The state of marriage will improved.
(AUSTRALIA) But dogs don’t nag, or make you cry every day :(
(USA) That’s why dogs are considered man’s best friend. That’s what you were getting at right? LOL
(AUST) Don’t expect a pitbull to do anything but bite you. With a pitbull, you must keep your guard. I don’t know why people keep treating a pitbull like a lover, then get hurt and wonder how to change the pitbull. Maybe it’s because the pitbull declares undying love, but doesn’t realize that true human love is not the same as possession or control, which is all a pitbull is capable of, so yes, when a pitbull says he or she loves you, he/she genuinely believes it.
This is not a putdown – some people are like pitbulls and need to be treated as such. Jesus recognized it. Though He died for all, He knew not all would be saved.
(USA) Ali, pitbulls have gotten such a bad rap, like some husbands and some wives. Not ALL husbands and not ALL wives are all bad. It seems like that old saying “one bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole bunch”. I have come across a few pitbulls in my time that were sweet and gentle and loving. It is how they are raised and the enviroment they were exposed to. Just like people-it is how they were raised as kids and the enviroment they were exposed to as kids determines how they turn out as adults. You cannot judge a book by it’s cover. If you always have your guard up and keep people at a distance, you may miss out on something truly amazing.
Hebrews 13:1-2 Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
And if you get a pitbull as a puppy you will have a true loyal friend for life. Some people have had really good luck with rescuing some.
Proverbs 3:27 Do not withold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.
(USA) After 12 years my wife decided to find herself, had her job, all the years of being there for her and her family through life’s events has no value seems. I did the best I could as a provider at home and work. I helped always around the home. Trouble is today’s women, not all, want fantasy land, nice cars, and trips, instead of counting their blessings in front of them.
When things were good in business/at our job, life was good. When the economy was bad it’s time to leave. These women who dishonor the covenant of marriage as no value, well, it’s a sad day in these times. Today’s wives, who leave their husbands, need to be transported back in time to pioneer days and left for a while.
The women today who leave marriage to find themselves are gathering in droves supporting each other destroying marriages. Yet when a crisis occurs after the wife departs, and you are there, be it in a hospital or other situation, I ask where’s your support group of women, in your time of need? They’re not there, because they’re home watching these manipulative talk shows or they’re out setting up to destroy another marriage. If the wife is being physically abused, she needs to get out and her husband needs a good [butt kicking].
Women who leave for greener pastures, their fantasy is short lived and the weeds start to grow fast, and their new don wan is a windbag out to get his fix and move on.
(UNITED STATES) I could not read all this heartbreaking information without responding with a poem I wrote many years ago.
The fact is that the flame of romance has gone out, and your wife is seeking to rekindle it. Maybe she’s so upset with you for whatever reason, that she just can’t imagine resolving it with you, or maybe she’s simply having regrets about a "what if" that she just can’t let go of. The bottom line is that there was a reason she married you and that reason must be rediscovered. Marriage is a two way street and EACH must give 100% of themselves into it, or it just won’t last.
So, here’s my poem:
We used to have good love
It used to be beautiful
You used to put your arms around me
And whisper in my ear
And say those words I long to hear
But you don’t do it anymore
Something’s gone I can’t ignore
Is it you or is it me
Or have I lost my sanity
Should I find somebody new
And do those things I long to do
An affair I’d have to hide
Could I do it if I tried?
The way it is I think I could
Someone to love would be so good
Someone to be with
Hold me tight
And not let me cry myself
to sleep at night…
Or can we work it out
Are you sure is there a doubt
This love I feel can’t be denied
I want to stay right by your side
So tell me what I want to hear
Whisper sweet things in my ear
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me cry
Sing to me
Love’s lullaby
(It’s not about the material things as much as the emotional things. It is nurturing that your wife needs and she is seeking it in the arms of another man, because he is working hard at winning her, and she thinks you have given up on nurturing her love.)
(USA) Vicki, It all sounds so over the top romantic. You seem to make so many assumptions, I barely know where to start.
First, it’s not ALL about emotion or romance. That’s ONE aspect of it, but one cannot live on emotion alone. And when emotion leads one to make sinful choices, then there is NO JUSTIFICATION for such choices. There is always forgiveness, but NEVER justification.
The giving of anything, time, talent or treasure is an emotional response. The man who provides for his family is not only honoring God, but is also responding emotionally to his wife.
What is extremely cruel is that such contributions are not considered romantic, or emotional but dismissed. How is dismissing such contributions considered a loving response? So while we often have women complaining about the lack of romance by the man, the irony is she is typically rejecting his romantic gestures and then complaining about the lack of romance.
It seems to me, these women have forgotten these men have chosen her, from the billions of women out there. He has brought her into his home. Often she is a stay at home mom, and he is the sole breadwinner. Yet that contribution is not seen for the emotional effort it is. It’s discounted. It might as well be rejected.
So while he is showing love to his wife by making a good living, providing for her and the children, she not only rejects the value of this contribution but considers or even has an affair, blaming him for the romantic fires going out.
Instead of speaking to him about it, or taking action to create the romance she wants, she often remains silent, and chooses another man, instead of putting that effort into her marriage.
What she wants is the fantasy of romance, without the reality of day to day living. I’m not saying the fantasy is bad. But to expect that to be the day to day reality is unrealistic.
She might say, before we married, we dated, etc. But that was before kids, before you wanted to decorate, before you wanted a yard, a garden, before you wanted to shop during the day while he worked.
Sure it was romantic before there were kids. You put all that effort you were putting into romancing him into the home and kids today.
Many call themselves romantic, yet the miss the most romantic aspect of all in marriage, being there. He comes home every night, he doesn’t cheat, doesn’t abuse, doesn’t even swear, and you fail to see the romance in this. He works during the day at a job, and at night he operates Dad’s Taxi taking kids to soccer, volleyball, karate, scouts, youth group, etc. Yet you fail to see the romance in that. He is there and has always been there for you and the kids.
But you fail to see it because it’s not like the daytime dramas or short stories in your women’s magazines. You know, that fantasy stuff.
You go to church and agree with the women about how bad porn is, but then justify the emotional porn that is fed to women that is just as unrealistic and just as damaging to relationships and intimacy as are the things that are targeted to men.
So go on, have your affairs, ignore the contributions your husbands make because they don’t match up with the standards of the magazines at the check out counters of your local market, or they don’t measure up to the standards of daytime television, or Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives.
Just disregard what the Bible says and ignore that your husband has laid down his life for you just as Christ did. He gave up being a bachelor, thinking only about himself to take you as his bride. He has done the most romantic thing possible, he has followed what the Bible teaches, and has given up his selfish existence to have a family with you.
But feel free to ignore all of that. To complain that he’s not emotionally available, or doesn’t have the emotional vocabulary, or use any of the other dozens of attacks that only seek to undermine men who are doing exactly what God wants them to do.
If you fail to see the romance in that, then I am truly heartbroken for all of those who say they want "more" when that more is nothing more than a fairy tale.
I’m sorry, life is not about telling someone what they WANT to hear. Sometimes the most loving thing in life is to tell someone the truth, even if it’s not what they want to hear.
Love is not a word, it’s an action. Anyone can say things that sound romantic. It takes real love to come home everyday, to deny one’s self and to give freely to his wife and family.
It’s my prayer that folks will wake up and see the real love that is displayed for them everyday, instead of pining away for some fairytale that is far from reality.
And the irony is, for someone to leave their spouse for love, they are proving by that action that they really don’t know what true love is.
True love doesn’t leave one’s partner. So how can one be looking for true love and leaving at the same time? It’s impossible. That’s a fantasy, not reality. True love doesn’t leave, and one looking for true love would NEVER even consider leaving.
(USA) So, I have been struggling with my marriage. I support him through his career, I appreciate all his hard work and dedication as my husband being the provider and father of my children. He is the bread winner; I am the stay at home mom of three. I am the soccer mom, taxi driver to soccer, school and anything alse my children are involved in. I do all of these things with no complaint and enjoy it all.
I cook, clean keep myself up for my husband, do homework, work during deployments as I do all of the above. These are things I am happy to do. He expressed that I don’t give him the physical attention that he needs, bought me books, had discussions.
He expressed that he was convinced this would never change on my part. I now initiate more often and I am intimate whenever he or I desire, and enjoy it. It has always been a healthy intimacy when it happened. We just get so wrapped up in our children’s and work that it consumes us and we lose track of marital intimacy.
Now that the intimacy is better, I have heard no complaints. What I am dealing with now is, there is no nurturing initiation from him. My back aches at night from numerous things, I have to ask for massages. It would be nice to have a nice warm bath run for me to relax, or maybe a breakfast made for me every other weekend. Yes, he has done these things in the past but there is no consistancy as I have worked on keeping up with his needs. I love him dearly, but find it hard to pull communication out of him with very few words, so a lot goes unsaid to prevent a heated temper and avoid conflict on any subject out of his comfort zone.
I also have lost my little brother to a car accident in Dec, 2007. He was so supportive when he came home from deployment before the funeral, but upon his return home, he seemed to forget what I am going through. So when I have break downs he has no idea how to comfort me. I understand it is difficult, i just wish he knew how to comfort me as his wife.
We have been through counseling with my initiation. He went for the first 4-5 sessions. He then said he felt he was being blamed and stopped going and agreed to go back if we were to see a man. That has not happened.
I would never cheat as I am a faithful dedicated wife, whose life’s desire is to live a long strong healthy loving life with my husband.
(USA) Hello Tony, Thank you for your post. It’s well written and teaches wives men’s perspective of things. It also helps us women to accept men as different but complimentary to us. We therefore should appeciate whatever efforts men make without passing judgement. If we were the same we wouldn’t need each other. It’s the uniqueness of each sex that should bind us together.
(USA) This is a years-late response to this post, but it showed such heartbreaking differences in the way men and women see their contributions to marriage that I had to reply.
Men – why would you think that just going to work and coming home every night should make a woman feel like the two of you have what a marriage is supposed to be: a partnership? I’m pretty sure men still have to go to work and pay bills whether or not they have a woman waiting at home. It’s not as though having a wife suddenly subjects a man to adult responsibilities like putting a roof over his own head. So suggesting that just doing what you’d have to do to survive in the adult world, alone or not, is an actual emotional contribution to a marriage is tragically sad and shows a swollen sense of entitlement.
I’m sorry if this is harsh, but I also highly doubt that any man attracted a wife in the first place by just “being there.” He probably wined and dined, complimented and charmed her… then what? Decided that he didn’t need to do those things any more? What a deception. And if a man’s not willing to continue doing the things for his wife that attracted her in the first place, why should he expect to keep her around when he does nothing different than he would do if she weren’t even there? Expecting friendship and companionship from a marriage is not a soap-opera fantasy. Expecting to do nothing and get a fulfilling relationship in return IS a fantasy.
(USA) Ann, Please allow me to clarify. No where did I suggest that “being there” was the only thing the husband can or should do. No where did I say that dating his wife wasn’t important, or any of the other suggestions you make. My point was it seems so often, those looking to justify the large number of wives abandoning their vows fail to see or attribute value to what the husband IS doing.
Just as porn offers an unrealistic view of sex to men, most romantic entertainment offers an unrealistic view of romance to women.
Look at movies such as Pretty Woman. The guy is rich, has little to worry about and can whisk her away any time and fashion he pleases. While the ordinary guy you meet at church is probably working 40+ hours each week, he may be on some committees at church, or works with the youth. If he’s young enough, he has some school loans to pay. If he’s older and his first wife had an affair on him, he’s probably paying child support to his unfaithful wife so she can romance her latest man on his hard earned money instead of taking care of his child. He would probably have his child live with him if there wasn’t this pre-concieved notion that adultery doesn’t matter when it comes to the fitness of a parent. (As an aside, apparently “being there” as in having been a stay at home parent counts for more than morality and honesty when it comes to family courts choosing the primary custodial parent.)
In my case, my ex-wife and I went out all the time, almost always to where she wanted to go. I wasn’t picky. So if she wanted to try some place, I made it happen. You can only tell someone how attractive they are for so long and have them reject your compliments before you learn to simply stop telling them, because they don’t believe it and have told you as much.
I suspect some guys stop doing those things. The question is why? Is it because they don’t think it’s important, or because they’ve learned that it’s not well received? I suspect both can be true depending on the circumstance.
I agree, expecting friendship and companionship from a marriage are not soap-opera fantasies. There are only so many times you can join your wife on the couch and have her get up and leave the room before you learn to simply stop trying. There are only so many times you can try to have a conversation about things other than kids, bills, grocery shopping and other logistical details before you learn that any attempt at conversation is futile.
There are only so many times a man can ask his wife what is her ideal date or her vision of a romantic date and hear, “I don’t know, if you loved me, you would know what to do” before you finally give up and say she isn’t willing or able to tell me what she wants. There are only so many times you can ask how things are going, and hear fine, when you suspect it’s not true, but your attempts to get more and detailed information, emotionally or otherwise, are fruitless before you simply accept that fine must mean fine, otherwise she would have said something else.
Please, don’t assume that every guy who writes just gave up. I suspect there are far more who tried and got no results for years before they finally ran out of ideas, steam, or whatever and simply accept her hollow assurances that everything was “fine.”
(USA) Thank you Tony for responding so quickly. I just finished reading The Power of a Praying Wife, and I do understand everything you’ve said. Please understand that I wrote that poem many years ago, and am still a devoted wife to my husband of 19 years. There is a lot of romanticism in that poem, (I wrote it 5 years into my marriage) and I agree there is MUCH more to a marriage than romance.
I shared it because I mistakenly thought I could offer insight into why a wife might stray… not because she did or would. I understand too, that many times it is the person pining about the ‘missing’ romance who is the one rejecting it… this was the case with me.
You make a point that in many cases the wife is a homemaker, and does little to support the supportive aspect of the household (financially and securely speaking). But, does she prepare meals? Clean the house? Wash the clothes? Or does she waste her life in dreamland?
In my own circumstance, my husband became abusive to me, which pushed me further into a shell. I ended up suffering from a ten year long severe major depression because I couldn’t get over the idea that I’d made a huge mistake.
But the miracle came when I realized I was creating my own misery. I did leave my husband one summer, but he was generous enough to accept me back into his life, and we are now stronger for it.
I wish there was less heartache and anger in this world, but many times it is through these trials that we become better people in the end. I can only wonder that if she really was so cruel to leave you after all your effort, aren’t you better off without the burden of her worldly needs? It’s difficult to embrace rejection, but sometimes it helps to put into perspective.
I was fortunate to have a mutually forgiving experience, and the kids have been a tremendous reward for me. We still have our troubles, and we have to overcome many obstacles, but at this stage it is a welcome experience, and we are energized for it. I wish everyone could be happy, but again I am imagining the ‘fairytale’ and you are correct that many women place a heavy emphasis on this fantasy. This is what makes men and women so unique.
I only beg you to understand that when the ‘dream’ fades, and reality sets in, sometimes a simple hug is the missing element. Sometimes not… I knew a woman who was married 50 years. I asked her what her secret to a happy marriage was. She held my hand and told me that happiness is just a point of view and a good marriage takes a lot of hard work. Her secret was that she and her husband went on a date every week, even when they didn’t want to.
I thought it sounded cumbersome, but since we adopted this, my marriage has become so much stronger. And the best part is that sometimes the date is simply a walk in the woods – a freebie!
But – it is still just one perspective.
As you so eloquently point out, there are many more perspectives. Unfortunately, some women would rather leave a marriage than work at saving it.
(USA) Hi Tony, Why do women love jerks? Because jerks romance a woman. They listen to her, spend time with her, give her attention, even if that attention is in the form of abuse, insults and lies. It is preferable to no attention.
So, if you could please your wife and save your marriage by sitting a listening to her for 1/2 hour a day, INSTEAD of being a taxi (are you really "present" if you are being a taxi?) would you do it? Let the kids stay home and play in the yard instead of avoiding your wife’s complaints by driving the kids all over creation. Listen to your wife and give her what she says she wants, instead of what you THINK she wants. So what if she wants the mush she sees in the magazines? How expensive is it to compliment her? Chocolates are pretty cheap, too.
Basically, we give people what we think they want… not what they really want. I remember a man I dated asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s day. I said I wanted him to write me a letter telling me how he felt about me. Instead he spent a $100 on gifts of roses and balloons. I appreciated the gifts, but I felt sad that he had wasted his money when he was in no financial position to do so, and I was also sad that he would waste his food money rather than expose himself emotionally. I would have appreciated, treasured and remembered the letter for a life-time, probably even laminated it.
Do you get the picture? What women really want is actually probably cheaper and maybe easier than what you are giving her. And yes, what she wants will change. But isn’t just listening easier than divorce? I think for many men being "right" is preferable to being "happy." Doing it their way is better than listening to their "illogical" wives. I don’t know about you, but sometimes the high ground is a pretty lonely place.
(USA) The posted messages are very emotional. But the sad part is that the negative results like unfaithfulness and divorce have come due to the realities of what was initially stated in the article. There are situations when a man can only do so much, but most of the time before a woman becomes silent, before a woman becomes distant, before a woman gives up – there are many attempts that she has brought forth in order to send out a signal that things are not right.
The so called "nagging" that most men choose to ignore, is a woman trying to ask you to change a behavior that hurts her. Listen to her, no one ever wants to be a nag, she is only desperate for you to team up with her to make this marriage work.
The distance is the resentment that she feels for her disappointment, the behavior that you have not changed… etc. The unfaithful thoughts come after she has been ignored, traded for the Internet, etc.
I am a female in my early 30’s married for almost nine years. I too work and pay 50% of the bills. We both do house chores. We have a child who I’d love to give more attention to but I am stuck in a decent paying job that needs to be there to maintain our lifestyle; not a lifestyle that I chose but one that I agreed to. I have partly paid for his education BS and current MBA. I have been there for him even in very difficult times. I can’t say the same.
I have asked him to change – he always lets me down. I have told him that something with our lifestyle needs to change – he said that things need to be the same. I have brought to his attention time and time again that I feel ignored, traded, stuck, unloved, and unsupported. Things are still the same in over two years. Yes, I love him but am I wasting my life? I am hurt.
Listen to your wife before it’s too late. There is a reason for the NAGGING – this is good, it means that your wife is trying to work on what you have, LISTEN to her, her needs are important too. DO NOT IGNORE her. A sad, bitter woman is one that has not been loved properly. A woman need to feel loved. SUPPORT her emotionally. This is the action that makes you play your role as a man, who provides safety and shelter. BE A MAN. It’s okay to set boundaries if you think you’re doing too much. LOVE your wife and put an EFFORT into your marriage. You being there physically with no interaction with your wife isn’t healthy. Be careful when SILENCE comes; then it may be over or your wife may be there but has given up. It is time to work overtime in your marriage, don’t do it one or two days -change your perspective, work on it continuously.
You may not want to hear what the article states, you may not want to hear what the poem states, but these things are true. If she loves you and you are a good husband you will have a happy wife and home; not fairytale happy, because life isn’t a fairytale. But you know that through anything you have each other. If this balance isn’t equally distributed – then you have a volatile marriage.
(UNITED STATES) Amen!
(INDIA) I am a man and have had the same experience with my wife as you have had with your husband. The saddest thing is partners who call themselves Christians and justify seeking divorce because of what happened with Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer and others. And then fling false allegations, hatred and worse at their spouses, and then manipulate innocent children using them as pawns in a game.
You cannot generalize your experience. In India, there is a growing trend among middle class Christian women to say “It’s over. I don’t have the same feelings anymore.” And often times these women, and no doubt men, have scant evidence of repentance and faith in their lives.
What is even more sad is that churches, Christian counselors and so called believing friends take sides, without thinking. These need to be made accountable, especially counselors.
(UNITED STATES) Yes, woman do file divorce more than men because of feminists who tell them to. Everything is against men. Do you remember Eve when she ate the fruit? The devil deceived her so she gave it to her husband and he ate it and woke up sin. So here you have the devil, Eve and Adam blaming everyone else.
The same happens today. The counselor has got to quit taking sides. This has happened to me. My ex wife and I went to counseling and what was sad about it was that she was the aggressor. But the twist, which happened was that she went to police and said I was the aggressor and it was all my fault, got my son taken from me by calling the cops, then filed for divorce.
The writer is right. Women take revenge and destroy by not keeping vows Jesus said. If you cannot keep a vow don’t make any. The Bible said the woman sinned first. Love does not leave a person Jesus said before he died on cross. To those who beat him and crucified him, He said, Father forgive them they don’t know what they do. Christians have the highest divorce rate in America and the church isn’t doing nothing about it. Instead it’s all a blame game, breaking homes, and bringing sorrows because the devil loves to destroy what God has made perfect.
(S. AFRICA) To all those dear and hurting women I have to say I fully understand. I have put up with 4 years of unfaithfulness and taken my husband back every time. I have tried showing only kindness and forgiveness. I have prayed till my knees are sore. We have been to counseling. He is now working in Libya (he signed a three year working contract without even discussing it with me). He is happy to be far away and shows no interest in the problems I have back here back home.
I have offered to sell everything and be with him but he does not want me. We have been married for 35yrs and now this. He says he does not love me anymore and it would be unfair to me if he comes back. What more can one do. I have prayed to God to intervene but if my husband closes his heart to the voice of the Holy Spirit there is not more that can be done. My husband has now stopped all communication and wants to be left alone.
I have given up. I have told him I hope he finds the happiness he is seeking for and not to come back. I am sorry and hope I have not let God down but one can only take so much rejection. I will move on with Gods strength. I will be happy again one day.
(CANADA) Sorry to hear your pain. It must be awful. He does not deserve you. I hope you find someone who appreciates you more. You deserve it.
(USA) There are always 2 sides to every story and to the men that posted before, I empathize with your situation and yes, there are women out there who are needy, selfish, and self-centered. However, I completely agree with everything Ruth is saying b/c I am currently separated and contemplating divorce b/c of an emotionally distant spouse.
Our relationship didn’t start off on the right foot anyway, in my opinion. I feel like I have always been the pursuer and I’m tired of it. Women need to feel like they are wanted and appreciated. I have been trying to make things better in our marriage for a very long time. Specific examples include reading The Five Love Languages, going on vacation, and finally marriage counseling (just to name a few). My husband was open to reading the book also but never took the quiz at the end. His response? "I already know what my love language is, I don’t need to take a quiz."
So, what do I do when I feel like I have been trying so hard, for so long, to make our marriage better… with no reciprocation? I found myself beginning to have an emotional affair with someone I have known for 16 years. However, the difference with me is that I stopped myself when I started fantasizing about this person and that is when I went to my husband and said we needed to go to marriage counseling. I even told him that I was thinking of cheating on him and that something needed to change.
We went through counseling and through all the sessions he sat next to me as I cried and told the counselor how unappreciated and unloved I felt. Our anniversary rolled around a couple months later and nothing… no flowers, no card, absolutely nothing. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back. He even made a comment about how it wasn’t even a milestone anniversary (we celebrated 3 years last November). That made me feel pretty crummy to say the least.
I know I have my own issues and I appreciate that he puts up with all of it. However, I have been asking/telling him for quite some time that I need to feel appreciated and I need attention and affection. He is so quick to run off and do things with his buddies but if I want to do something, he always seems to have an excuse to not do it.
If women are not getting the 3 A’s at home, it is very easy (not saying it’s right) to fall into the arms of someone who does. But in my case, I recognized what was happening before anything happened. Unfortunately, even the thought of me cheating didn’t have a huge effect on my husband. So now I am being true to myself and trying to figure out if I really want to stay in this marriage or not. It has been difficult b/c we did make vows to each other… however, if he doesn’t fulfill his promise and commitment to love and cherish, then why should I?
(USA) To Lori, the irony is that you say if a man would only listen a 1/2 hour a day, yet it doesn’t appear you read what I wrote, not to mention I begged my former wife to devote just one hour a day to us. She ignored that polite request, made years before she gave the "I love you, but I am not in love with you speech."
So don’t assume that the man is not willing or even trying to be romantic, or to meet her emotional needs. In most cases he probably IS trying, but she judges his efforts to be inadequate. That’s certainly not love on her part.
Ruth, I understand the article. Remember, I spent THOUSANDS with Dr Harley trying to win my unfaithful wife back. As someone else said, there are two sides to every story, including the stories of many wives who have left.
You see, I told my now former wife while dating that I wasn’t very romantic. I was a great engineer, not a great romantic, but that I was trainable. She could teach me what she liked. She told me she wasn’t really open, so I would have to drag things out of her.
Obviously, by working Dr Harley, actually doing my assignments, trying to get my ex-wife to engage, I demonstrated that I was willing to do the work. Notice, I’m not saying I was perfect, I’m saying I was willing not only in word, but in deed to do what it took.
Did her affair result in her finding romance? Nope, maybe a year or so after she got the divorce she wanted, her and her married other man broke it off. So much for true love. She actually left the only true love she ever experienced in life to have her affair.
The problem is Ruth, that you say listen to her before it’s too late. Well, read the paragraph above. True love may be the man being abandoned. I’m not saying I’m against romance, I’m not. But just like sex is not love, neither is romance. Both are icing on the cake, or dessert after the meal. They are nice to have, but they are not the meal.
Rose, I am sorry you are going through what you are. Having an unfaithful spouse is one of the most painful things anyone has to endure, and my heart goes out to both those who have to endure it, and to those who do this to their spouses, maybe not realizing how hurtful and abusive it is to betray your spouse.
Sarah, I don’t know what to tell you. It sounds like a difficult situation, and I hope he wakes up. I hope you will also make a deliberate effort to notice something good about your husband every day and tell him about those things. Perhaps by sandwiching a polite request for some change between many comments appreciating what he does right will help encourage him to make changes. Perhaps by focusing on just ONE thing you would changed in any given month, you could see results. That is, if you want a suggestion. I am sorry you have to go through what you are experiencing.
(USA) Tony, you do paint an ugly picture of wives… but maybe it’s real life captured. I’m sure it is in some cases. I’m sorry for the pain you suffered. Your words make me want to evaluate my own self.
Dr. Harley captured my feelings so well…the neglect, the lonesomeness, the raw pain of it all. My husband has a buddy whose house he is at every single night. Me and our 2 children spend our evenings alone because he prefers the company of his bachelor friend. It hurts to realize that my company isn’t desirable to him – we have so much in common that I can’t understand what his buddy can offer that would make him replace me like this. I take care of myself, I love sex, I love having fun together, I don’t nag or complain, and I’m not high-maintenance …yet I’m not good enough.
When he IS home, I can see it in his eyes that he’s wishing he were at the friend’s house… he’ll hurriedly do some chores so he can go out and "play." I appreciate the help, but I know the motivation is only so I can’t complain that I have to do it all. It just….hurts. He’s not around to talk to, or discuss bills/life/plans, or play with the kids. It’s a rejection that cuts deeply and affects the very dynamic of our family life. Intimacy is gone, and I’m left wishing for a man who would WANT to be around us.
(USA) Clarissa, I grew up in a home like yours- my father neglected my mother and our family horribly. He was rarely home and when he was, my mother waited on him hand and foot, doing anything to please him but never could. My poor mother God rest her soul, spent the majority of her life depressed, sad and miserable. She had no self esteem, no friends, no life. As an adult, I can understand she did the best she could for my brothers, sister and me, but she was so lonely and depressed most of the time she was unavailable to us. She became an alcoholic and as you can imagine our home was a miserable place to be.
My mother died several years ago. I was happy for her because in my mind she finally received peace and love from God -something my father never gave her. If your husband can’t or won’t change his ways, for the sake of yourself and your precious children leave him. I know in my heart from personal painful experience, God never intended people to live in utter misery the way my mother did for so many years. God Bless.
(USA) Bonnie, thank you so much for your comment. It is the kind of comment which I find missing in Christian threads like this one. After many years of deliberation, and after attending therapy groups, I realize that it is counterproductive to hang in there ‘for the kids’. Once while attending a therapy group, one gentleman said this, “Mom, I rejected you for staying in a marriage that was not good for you.” My own brothers and I felt the same way towards our mom and those were intense feelings that at one point made us resent our mother.
My best friend tells me that his mom too endured in a bad marriage, eventually she became ill with arthritis, diabetes, hypertension and had to smoke marijuana in the later stages of her young life to cope with the pain of everything. Diseases such as arthritis can also be brought about by stressful situations.
I love God very much, even though I am a sinner. After years of debating with him and too many whys… I realize that God is waiting for me to make a decision to walk out of a marriage where the man is always running away from the core duties of a marital relationship, fulfilling each other, being best friends, giving each other company….etc… We are social beings and while we must have friends to fulfill our social needs, once we get married, the most important parts of these needs need to be fulfilled at home. If only people would refrain from marrying until they met their best friends, perhaps marriages would actually be enjoyable.
I must confess, I married my husband hoping he would be my best friend. I even talked to him about it. Today, doing things for me is one of the hardest things for him. I am just the mother of the kids, he will introduce me as, “this is Sally’s mother.” I am leaving him soon. I am just waiting for when I will do it.
(USA) Wow, reading these posts really makes me hurt for the people whose spouses are/have been unfaithful. I’m not dealing with infidelity. I believe my husband has been physically faithful to me since we were married 2 years ago. However, the belief that he neglects me is justified. I am not a homemaker. I pay ALL the bills in our household. I am the primary care giver for our twin sons and do all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking and cleaning.
My problem is that my husband does not appreciate the effort I put into caring for our home – especially financially. In addition, he spends more time with his friends than with me. When he is home, he is downstairs in the den like a hermit by himself. He seems to want to behave like he’s still single – staying out late with his buddies etc. He says I’m always nagging and crying, but what he sees as nagging is really me crying out for his love and attention.
I want to spend time with him, even if it’s just to watch TV or go for a walk. He isn’t willing to do that. He thinks he’s catered to me by coming home every night and not cheating on me. He believes the way he treats me would be heaven to another woman, but I understand that no woman wants to be ignored or taken for granted. My husband is very selfish and makes me feel like I’m not important to him in any way. He doesn’t appreciate me, and thinks giving affection is stupid and makes him appear weak. He feels my tears make me appear weak, but the simple things he could do to stop them from flowing he isn’t willing to do.
I would never cheat on him. Even though I’m really lonely and miss him terribly (we’re currently separated because I couldn’t stand the indifference and financial irresponsibility any longer) I want attention from him. I want affection from him. I want to be loved and cherished by him. I still only have eyes for him. I just wish that was enough. One of the worst feelings in the world is to love your husband with your whole heart and for him not to appreciate or value that love. I know how affairs begin. People are looking for something the one they really love is not providing.
It’s so sad to know that people are spending time doing the wrong things to please their spouses and it leads them into the arms of other people. Many of the posts I’ve read lead me to believe that like me, people are longing for the love of their own husbands and wives. It’s unfortunate that we don’t communicate effectively enough to prevent this kind of heartache for those we claim we love.
(USA) Ruth, I feel for you. I too was a young bride abandoned at home. Be strong and read books by Pal Melloy. Her words will make you understand that your husband is an avoider. It could stem from childhood traumas or just personality. Chances that he will change are little and you will have to decide whether you will stay with him as he is or if you will find yourself a healthier relationship. I hope you choose well. Do not feel guilty about whatever decisions you make.
Just one thing to throw in, a bad relationship will reflect on your work, your motherhood, your friendship and your entire world. We might muffle the feelings but they have a way of coming out.
(USA) I finally left my husband after many years of emotional abuse. It started off slowly, he would say something rude to me here & there, yell at me out of nowhere, throw things around me to intimidate me. Always so angry. It was very confusing. And then he would stop speaking to me altogether, out of nowhere & never say why. I would ask him why he wouldn’t talk to me and he’d look right through me or just walk right past me. This started off as 1-2 days, then changed into a couple of weeks. Then he’d get over it, he’d talk to me like nothing had ever happened.
I made every effort to speak to him about what I felt/how we could make things better, what was his solution to our problems? What was bothering him? Each time he stonewalled me. I got so tired of crying my eyes out every night. If I would go to hold his hand, he would push it away, etc. The only time he showed his anger was when we were alone, never in front of any family or friends. He said horrible things to me that I would not say to anyone ever, not even him, not even now. He would go out and not invite me, each time I asked him to go somewhere with me toward the end, he’d just say No. Always No. I couldn’t take it anymore. He only went to one counseling with me and never went back. I feel he made no effort. So one day I left. I feel so much peace now. I’d rather be alone and happy than with someone who doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.