Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men. But in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why spouses leave marriage on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive. But hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion —particularly in the comment section below this message.
Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple —it’s because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it appears easier to divorce in today’s world.
So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms. It will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.
Why Wives Leave Marriage
If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:
- “She feels lonely and abandoned.”
- “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something.” (And we all know what the “something” is.)
- “He’s having an affair either emotionally—viewing pornography or physically having an affair.
- “She feels disconnected. She feels that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters.”
- “He seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her.”
And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.
Why Husbands Leave Marriage
Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare. This is followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious. I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.
As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things. First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:
- Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line.
- Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair.
- Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems. It can include child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.
Why Spouses Leave Marriage
We hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”). And we hear from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are ready to walk out or have already left. That is we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley. He wrote a helpful article titled, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares. So pray, glean, and see what speaks to you about your situation (whether you are the husband or the wife).
Here is a portion of what Dr Harley writes:
“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them —let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts. And when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
Feeling Neglected
“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.
“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”
Dr Harley continues:
“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, ‘He ignores me except when he wants sex. He sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. Plus, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.’ Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To learn more solutions Dr Harley gives, please read “Why Women Leave Men.”)
Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with without really realizing the effort it will take to make their marriage into a good one. Plus, their expectations are too high. This sets them up later for big problems as illustrated above.
Trashing and Cleaning Up Marriage
It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage—to get it to the place where it is messed up, needing a clean up. But when the marriage appears to be too much of a “mess” to clean up, that’s when spouses are tempted to just leave marriage. It appears to be too overwhelming.
In our 45+ years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley and Sue Boulin described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me. And sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs. I did not realize how important they were to her.
To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, How can we change this pattern so we don’t look at divorce as an option? I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen. It’s written in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:
“You can do two things that most people cannot resist. You can love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”
Think and pray about this. We have a lot of articles posted on this web site that can build upon this concept. Plus, we have articles that can help you to “clean up” the trashy attitudes and actions that spouses can fall into. Here are two of them:
• The Practice of Self Sacrifice
• Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen
The effort it will take to clean up a trashy marriage goes with the scriptures:
“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. Rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.“ (Galatians 5:13-15)
And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you need help, make improving your marriage your mission. Look around our web site to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.
We encourage you to go into the Romantic Ideas topic. Please read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” Applying some of these tips could help you to love and serve your spouse as God intends.
Steve and Cindy Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(UNITED STATES) Much has been said about women leaving their spouse. I have had many instances where I thought there was something better for me out there. But, I didn’t complain and tried to continue on with my married life. After I retired from teaching, I thought there would be more time in the future to be with my husband and get to know him better. We had worked on a house in the country for many years, sold a house that was too large for us and proceeded to move to the dream home we had worked so hard to build together. Much of my time was spent getting boxes unpacked, deciding on furniture placement, etc.
Then, out of the blue, my husband came home and packed a few things and said he was leaving me after thirty six years, two kids, grandkids I thought he adored, etc. I tried to make a nice home with good meals, cleaned, did laundry and many other things that I really didn’t expect thanks for or out of the way appreciation. I was so happy! He, on the other hand, had shown some anger towards me for things that most normal couples argue about. He became somewhat estranged and worked all the time. I didn’t see the problems that were brewing, I suppose. So, I missed signs of unhappiness, it seems.
Then, after three weeks of not answering phone calls and now knowing where he was, I was served with divorce papers. I was shocked to say the least. It’s now been five months since he left and I can strongly assume there’s someone else occupying his time since he won’t see the grandkids or his kids. He’s really done a great job of tearing up the family. Why? I’m not sure I’ll ever know the point in his animosity and anger. I hear from third parties that he just couldn’t take anymore of being with me and had to leave or that he was resentful that money was in my name from an inheritance.
What it boils down to is that he has had control over the nonexistent communication and could stop this at any time since I didn’t want the divorce. But, he has chosen the destructive path and it’s breaking many hearts and hurting many people. It’s senseless and childish it seems and there’s nothing I can do about it in a no fault divorce state. Yes, the divorcve laws need changed to where people should “earn their way out of a marriage”. If one spouse is a little unhappy for a time, they can be allowed to go their own way and wreck havoc on the family. So sad and so unnecessary.
A little counseling would have helped us immensely. I see his problem stemming from a lack of love on his mother’s part in his early years. He isn’t happy in the marriage because he isn’t happy within himself to begin with. Has anyone had this happen to them? I’m trying to understand the cruelty towards me and it’s so hard to move on. I have no siblings here. But, I have some supportive friends that have been great. They’re all married, however, and only those people that this has happened to are the ones I truly can bond with now. I don’t see my future as anything but lonely and it’s been horrible. He, on the other hand, has moved on. He has a girlfriend and spends so much time with her now or so I can surmise. Just want to have a normal life now so that I can spend my days in a better psychological state that the one he’s left me in.
(USA) I am not even married to this man yet, and am now thinking that I shouldn’t marry him. He has quit three jobs in the past two years and let me pay all the bills each time for months at a time, because he couldn’t get unemployment for quitting. He has a good job now but I’m scared that he will get offended and mad and quit again. I have no security in that sense, and I have told him that I need that kind of security in my life. We have no sex life. We have had this problem since the day I moved in. I have to demean myself by begging and crying to get any physical intimacy and then he just goes through the motions to “shut me up” for a couple of weeks. He tells me what I want to hear and then doesn’t follow through. He doesn’t want me to leave though, because he likes my paycheck and the ability to buy anything that he wants. I am so stupid to think that “things will get better” that he keeps telling me. I’m sorry I got myself in this situation and dread the fight and moving out on my own that will set me free. I do not want anything else other than a man who treats me kindly and wants more than someone to help him get the material things he wants. Someone who desires me and wants to please me as a husband should want to please his wife.
Please pray for me.
(USA) I was married for ninteen years and put my all into it! But it was always his way or the highway! He put me out of my home last June with nothing! All my clothes he trashed, and all my jewelry he sold, not one thing I got. I had no money he took that too!!!
(USA) Yvette, I pray for you and your husband and/or ex husband. I am not sure what your marriage story is or how it went down through the years, but my heart aches for you both. At one point in time you two were in love or you wouldn’t have been married to him for 19 years. It is sad to me that it could be over just like that.
I am sorry you are hurting and feel like everything was taken from you and while that would be a trying time I hope you found peace in the Lord and that he gave you the strength to not be bitter or angry with him because that will only tear you down. No one and nothing can steal our joy or our faith in Christ if we do not allow it. The things you listed above that your husband did to you are probably out of a lot of anger and if he holds onto that it will only tear him down as well.
I hope that you have forgiven him, Yvette. I am sorry that things happened this way. I hope you find helpful articles and lots of support on this website. Maybe you should pray hard about what God wants you to do like perhaps writting him a letter that you have forgiven him just to release you from it all.
Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” God Bless you!
(USA) As I read this article, my heart breaks at the mockery of GOD’s finest illustrations of HIS love for us. I continue to hear all of the good deeds by men or women, but I am not hearing expectations of a true biblical marriage. I feel like the pitfalls of marriage are more glorified and harped upon than the issue of making GOD happy. This website is to help and teach us how to glorify GOD through our marriages, not to use it as a sounding board on how you were done wrong and your opinion on gender. If we were truly seeking GOD daily, some of these issues would and could be resolved. Nothing new is under the sun. It is when we become disobedient in our spiritual life, our natural lives become hectic and we begin to self destruct. I was not raised in church nor was churched when I first married my wife. We have been together 9 years and married for 6 years this June.
It is only by the glory of GOD that we are as strong as we are today. My finite mind had it all figured out, while GOD was breaking because of my self sufficiency and no true relationship or reliablity on HIM. If you read I Corinthians 7:10-16 it paints a picture of the duty we have. Men, submit yourselves unto GOD, cherish your wives, esteem them, listen to them, pray for them and over them. Women respect your husbands, pray for them, submit to them, build them and edify them. We are making satan’s job too easy by complaining with either no action or the wrong actions. People of GOD fight for the values of GOD and righteousness of GOD. James 4:7says, submit therefore yourselves to GOD. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Remember the enemy wants to take you out and he doesn’t care how it is done. Praise GOD through ANY and EVERYTHING!!! Take great care of your marriages!!
(USA) My wife and I have not communicated well and we’ve not been getting along well for over a year, been married 23 years. Over those years shes had a history of getting massages because she has neck pain. I’ve never thought much about it yet the massuse was always female. Now, I just found out shes been going to a man who travels from out of town. She never told me and I got upset. At first I thought this was the first time, but looking back in the checkbook, its been months. She has also been making numerous cash withdrawls from the ATM.
Do I have grounds to be upset she never told me a guy has been massaging her? Some of the appointments are in the evening as late as 8 or 9 PM.
(UNITED STATES) It is sad that the divorce rate is so out of control now, unlike years ago where marriages lasted. It is even worse for the ones that have children, because they suffer the most. Men and women just can’t seem to be committed to one another anymore. I was married myself at one time, and my wife cheated on me. Now, going out and looking to meet another woman is very hard for me, especially being in my late fifties now. But today the women have certainly changed for the worse, with their “I’m perfect and have it ‘all together'” attitude. There are too many rotten women out there now.
(USA) My wife and I met in church at 14. We are now 59 and both have continued to serve the Lord. I was out of church for some time and we still got along. I came back to God and it seems my wife has been mad ever since. This doesn’t make any sense to me as it goes against the word of God.
(USA) Let me see now…. to me, it makes no difference what men say… porn is wrong. And when they sit for hours on end looking at it as a replacement for a real relationship… then they are the loser. Of course, the women on porn are going to act all excited… they are being paid big money to act excited. My husband used every excuse in the book to run around in this marriage. Eventually, he will just be a old sack of aging corruption. No designer clothes or cologne will correct it. The buck stops at the feet of the partner who thinks they are entitled to cheat in the marriage.
(AUSTRALIA) I married a girl who was not stable. Unfortunately I didn’t see it at the time. We have 4 children, she has never had to work and I have been supportive in everything she ever wanted to do. We have home help -35 hrs per week who looks after the younger kids, cleans, and prepares dinner.
I was raised in a strong loving family, she was raised in a rancid mess -parents had affairs, and hated each other but stayed together. Now she has had her second emotional affair with the same guy (married) doesn’t want to split up the family, but I am all out on the trust stakes. I want to keep it together for our family and future.
My dad who doesn’t say much thinks she is a little princess not living in the real world who hasn’t supported me. I know I have my faults but I have worked hard to change these for the sake of our marriage, although as a friend pointed out -how much changing will you have to do, and why? I feel pretty depressed and trapped with the whole situation, darned if you do, darned if you don’t.
(KENYA) These stories are really scary. I’ve been planning to marry soon, but as it turns out, I have not seen any one talking positive about their marriages. What is this?
We do have quarrels oftenly in our relationship and at times my girlfriend quits but I manage to convince her back. Could this be signs of serious problems in future? Anybody who has something to say about this?
(UNITED STATES) Whatever happened to the COMMITMENT that men and women used to have at one time? Both men and women these days are now CHEATING on one another. Years ago, the times were CERTAINLY different than today. Women and men can’t seem to stay TOGETHER anymore, like they once used to.
I was a VERY GOOD husband to my wife at one time, but she CHEATED on me. We were MARRIED for almost FIFTEEN YEARS, and I was VERY COMMITTED and loved her very much at the time. Now it is VERY OBVIOUS why our PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS stayed together so long, and made their marriage work. Looking to meet another woman again for me is very hard, ESPECIALLY the way that they have CHANGED NOW. I will not certainly BLAME myself, since I was very good to her. I am one of many STRAIGHT MEN that hates going out again, it is like a GAME trying to find love again. So many women now are into other women these days, and that certainly adds to the problem, as well.
(USA) My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs. We have 2 children and one on the way. He has not stayed on a job for more than a month at a time and he has a terrible temper. I have to depend on his mother who is biased… “that’s her little boy who can do no wrong” or my mom who we live with now.
My mom has supported us most of our married life because she loves me and doesn’t want me and my children out in the street. My kids love their daddy and I don’t want them to grow up without him. But he just won’t be a provider. If it happened once …but it is a repeatative thing with him. He is disrespectful to my mom. She is 63 and still working to support all of us. I have just become fed up with his excuses. He wants to isolate me from my family. I would love to have our own place and my mom would love to see us in our own home. But he is not dependable.
I find myself having to hustle and find a way to meet our family’s needs. We have been having arguments about this. I am tired of feeling like all the responsibility is on my shoulders. My mom offered to support us while he went to school to get the skills, etc to make us a good living. He dropped out one week before finals. I tried to talk with a pastor about it and he said I should let him be the head of the home and be a Proverbs wife. Why should I sit back and wait for us to be out in the street and trust his ill fated judgements?
I feel I am the man in this family. I resent it. I read where it says in the Bible that the man is supposed to be the “head” but I can’t trust him. I don’t feel that makes me a Jezebel. And I can’t make him stand up and be a man. I would gladly let him have the reigns if he would show me he could and would be able. But he has failed me so many times. So what do I do?
(USA) I could use some advice. My husband, when he tells me news from his work, his friends, church or whatever only tells me half of the information.
An example, he will tell me a friend would like to join us for dinner and go to a movie. Then later on that day, he will tell me that they are coming over in an hour. I call it “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I never can get a full, complete story. I feel upset.
(USA) Strange –every woman I know who has gotten divorced, it’s because their husband CHEATED ON THEM!
Savannah, We know A LOT of women who are divorced where they were the cheaters. It goes both ways. Sadly, we see it every day. My brother and my former brother-in-law are two of many that we know, where their wives cheated on them. (And then these same relatives went on to cheat on the men that they cheated with.) The husbands who cheat, have to have someone to cheat with and often times it’s with another married woman. And visa-versa. It’s a depraved world we live in –with a LOT of cheating going on!
(USA) Don’t we all have a story to tell? Dated high school sweetheart for 5 years. During which time he was employed full time with full benefits. I was a struggling college student and for a period of time became homeless and asked him for help, he didn’t say yes, he didn’t say no but no was the answer through avoiding the question. I became pregnant, avoidance again. Aborted our first child because he refused to acknowledge and I couldn’t deal with it alone.
We married. I put him through 6 years of college and we started our family. By the time he graduated we had two daughters with a third on the way. I have always worked full time and paid my half of bills and expenses. Over the years he has walked out on me and the children 7 times, leaving anywhere from a week to three months. He also quit his job for 6 months and sat around the house doing nothing. Over our 25 years of marriage I have solo parented for 6 periods of time for 4-8 months each. Yep, I complained he wasn’t doing his half. He hated it and resented me. I resented him for making me his mother.
When I finally gave up in the relationship at 23 years he started working on it, he never had before… that was my job. I knew if I jumped back into the relationship the laziness would start all over again as I had experienced this cycle too many times. His comments, not mine -Why are men so lazy? Why do men take their wife for granted? Why do men take their relationship for granted and then it becomes boring to them? You (Nancy) were too nice.
So glad it is over. He is now an involved father as he can’t take his kid’s relationship for granted now. He has become the father I always knew he could be but could never have been when married as raising the children was my job and taking care of the home was my job despite me working full time at a very stressful job to also help provide for our family. Expectations yeilding laziness.
Not sure I can ever be married again. The expectations to pay my half, manage the home, manage the marriage (keep it interesting in more ways then one) and manage the children is overwhelming. So… to reduce stress you start knocking out responsibilities and in our situation it was managing the marriage! It takes two for a marriage not one, so you get rid of the one you know will fail by a solo effort.
Stats seem to indicate neither gender finds marriage something worth pursuing. A stat I read in an earlier post indicate that U.S. men want a foreign wife. I would say go for it! But, beware no adult likes to be taken for granted or to do another’s half!!