What can you do to rebuild your marriage and get beyond the past after you have had an affair? There’s no going around it, there really is not going to be any easy way out of getting past the matter. It’s going to be a tough one. This is especially true as you try to help your spouse get past the devastation of the affair. You will have a lot of difficult work ahead of you. You can’t just close your eyes and wish the event away.
“Trying to rush the wounded spouse. You, who have committed the adultery, must avoid saying to your spouse, ‘That is over now. Let’s forget it, and not talk about it any more and move on.’ Your spouse is still devastated and bleeding. This is an open wound that you won’t slap a quick band aid on and hope they will be okay.” (Jackie and Ronnie Calloway, from the article “10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity“)
Give Your Spouse Consideration Here
And from everyone we’ve talked to that has lived through this situation, and every article we’ve read, truer words couldn’t be written. Just because you don’t want to deal with the issue any longer, or you feel like you have dealt with it long and deeply enough, your spouse needs top consideration here. She or he is the one who was betrayed. And as long as there are more unsettled issues that she/he needs to work through, they will always cause separation in your marriage relationship. When emotional wounds are deep, it’s unrealistic for one spouse to decide when an offending situation should be closed and no longer dealt with. Marriage is a partnership where both spouses need to work together on such issues “until” both spouses come to a mutual agreement that all is well.
Articles to Help You
To help you further on this and other points, you will find links below to articles that we encourage you to read. Ask the Lord to help you learn what is important for you to apply in your heart, mind and actions.
The following article was written by James Vaughan. He knows first hand how difficult this journey can be because he has been there after he had an affair. He gives the following practical advice that might help you, as you read and apply:
• Weathering the Tough Times in Rebuilding the Marriage
To help you further, the following article was written by his wife Peggy, which might help you to better know how to help your spouse heal from the damage the affair has caused. Please click onto the web site link to read:
• Figuring Out and Expressing What You Think and Feel
Question to Consider
The following question was posed to author Anne Bercht on the subject of rebuilding trust:
Question: “I have destroyed my husband’s trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, “I’m sorry — I won’t do it again” to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?”
First off, remember these wise words from an unknown source:
“You can say sorry a million times, Say, “I love you” as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. But if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, then don’t say anything at all. Because if you can’t show it. Your words…don’t mean a thing.”
So part of the answer to the above question would be to show, over time that your words DO mean a thing. You have to go through the slow process of trying to rebuild your spouse’s trust again. And that takes intentionality and time.
For additional insights into the answer, please go to Anne’s web site to read:
• Rebuilding Trust With Your Husband After You’ve Had An Affair
To learn from other perspectives on this topic from the Dear Peggy.com web site, please read:
• How Can You Rebuild Trust After An Affair?
Additionally:
Another Question
Here’s a portion of another question that you might be dealing with after you have had an affair:
Question: “I have admitted to an affair. Part of my plan to gain trust is to contact the girl I had an affair with (who is no longer in my life). My wife wants me to convince this woman to send her emails she may have kept, that we sent to each other. Naturally, I deleted all of my e-mails. …I’m afraid if this woman does have something saved it will do the opposite of helping my wife. We really spiral out of control and go to a dark place when we discuss this. …What should I/we do?”
To read the answer given by Anne Bercht, please go to the linked article on the Beyond Affairs web site to read:
• What if My Wife Wants to Read Affair Emails?
Live AND Learn
In this journey to healing, you may be struggling forgiving yourself and finding a way to get beyond the hurt you have caused. But:
“It’s important to accept the fact that our actions cannot be erased or undone. However, we can dig deep inside and discover some way to become a better person by virtue of this experience. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret. So the first step is letting go of “if only.” And then look toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. And, further, consider how I can take this learning and use it to become a better person. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it. Using these learnings to forge a more responsible and fulfilling life can help counteract the feelings of guilt or regret.”
Another Question and Answer
This last article poses a question and then answers it as well. Author, Nancy C. Anderson was the person who had the affair. She has since spent her life helping others who are struggling in marriages rocked by infidelity. After reading the article (and reading her book, “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome“) you may consider contacting her if you’re still struggling. It’s possible she might give you additional suggestions. But first, please read:
• CAN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE SURVIVE AN AFFAIR?
We pray that God has used the above articles to minister to your heart and marriage in His amazing way.
This article is composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
Hi all! I recently took a “friendship” to another level and made the mistake of betraying my husband of 18 years. I told him I had developed feelings for the other man involved and that I had met him once and didn’t have sex. I want to tell him the truth but don’t want to hurt him. We’re going to start counseling soon. My question is: should I tell him about the sexual encounters or not being it will kill him?
To make matters worse, I fell in love with this other man. He told me he would always be there for me and never leave. We spent a wonderful day together, and I then received a message from him that he doesn’t want to break up a family due to his selfishness. I haven’t heard from him since. As horrible as it may sound, and I’m not proud of my actions, I’m trying to repair a marriage and grieving a broken relationship. How do I get through this? I feel like an awful person. :(
Your husband deserves to know the truth about his marriage so he can make an informed decision on how to proceed. Your marriage cannot heal if you keep secrets from your husband.
It’s not the news that hurts, it’s the affair. The betrayal only ends when he knows the truth about his marriage. As long as it’s kept secret, the betrayal is on-going.
Emilee, You have done the right thing, by seeking help. You are in for a very painful road ahead, but so many times we must. After an injury or surgery or an accident, there often is much pain involved AS the healing takes place. Walking through this with an experienced marriage counselor is a very WISE choice, and I believe once you begin that process, your question about “revealing all” will be answered.
I believe that each marriage, and each situation is unique. There are no cookie cutter answers. God is TRUTH, and that is the perfect answer, but there are ways to honor and be gracious to our loved ones in these horrible circumstances.
This website has many, many wonderful articles and advice from the thousands who have walked this road. Take time to educate yourself on affairs –all the info in “Surviving Infidelity” are very helpful.
Most importantly, PRAY, PRAY for wisdom and grace to know when to speak and when to be silent. I hope and pray your marriage will survive this BATTLE, and that you and your husband will emerge stronger.
I don’t know what to do. My mom thinks that my dad is having an affair since recently he does not touch my mom and also started to pick on her. She also found that there is a woman who calls him everyday. Mom told me but did not confront dad. She is very hurting. Mom and I both know that dad won’t admit without hard evidence and also by doing so it will hurt their already broken relationship even harder. I am Christian but both my parents are not. I am praying for them but don’t know how to help them. What should I do?
I had an affair this last summer and it lasted three months. This is after my husband and I had been married for almost two years. When I finally started to get over it and the pain it caused my husband, he leaves for deployment and I start up another affair. This one is not romantic but just physical. I love my husband and I don’t understand why I keep going down this path over and over! I used to never think I would do something so awful.
My plan now is to move from the apartments I reside in since he lives in them too. This will help remove temptation I guess. But from there where do I go? Do I tell my husband and how?! How do I avoid this cycle? And how do I get my marriage back on track especially when part of my reasons behind cheating are emotional but mostly caused by a lack of sexual fulfillment and desire sexually for my husband.
I had an affair on my husband. He is in the army and has a lot of anger issues. I felt neglected and unwanted so I had an emotional relationship with another man on and off again. It took everything out of me to tell him. We have only been married for almost 3 years. We both are young; I’m 22. I feel so bad for doing it but I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore and I knew I could never make it to heaven if I was a liar so I had to be honest.
The reason behind me doing it was because my husband was never there emotionally. He didn’t want to be around me. He abused me emotionally, physically, and mentally, even while I was pregnant. I found him talking to females and writing females online but he says he never did anything. I begged him for attention and he wouldn’t give it to me. I was depressed our whole marriage. My whole pregnancy I even thought about suicide but I know I will never make it into heaven if I did that.
I wanted someone to talk to and felt lonely. I had no family where we moved to and unwanted by my husband so I had an emotional relationship. We didn’t have a sexual encounter, just other intimacy stuff. I feel terrible. Can I ever make it to heaven after what I did? How can I seek God? How can I repair my marriage?
Hi Ashley. I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place within your marriage. I’m reminded of something one marriage expert (Diane Sollee) said, “What we really need is a time machine so that people entering into an affair could flash forward and see themselves, their kids, and their lives at the other end of their lust.” Sadly, you are experiencing the consequences and the sting brought about on the other side of entering into an affair.
You have a lot of issues going on that you brought up in this comment. I’ll do the best I can to address them. First off, I encourage you to read through as many of the articles posted on this web site concerning emotional affairs, infidelity and extra marital affairs as you can. Pray, read through and try to learn from what you read. This could help you to process through all that happened, and help you to own up to and work through (with redeeming results) the wrongs that you committed against God, your husband, and your marital commitment. They can also help you to learn how to “repair” your marriage. You talk about the emotional emptiness you experienced before you had the affair. I have no doubt that this was a hurtful and confusing time for you. To get on the repairing side of this affair, whatever you do, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They aren’t. Yes, your husband left you vulnerable because of his issues and also the fact that you were geographically apart from each other. He was wrong in many of the things he did. Abuse is NEVER acceptable –whether it’s emotional, physical, or mental. I hope some day he owns up to this and gets help. He obviously needs it.
But it is never a “choice” we should entertain or take, whether we are hurting or not, to choose to cheat on our marriage partner (whether or not he is doing what he should). It’s a matter of personal integrity. From this day forward, please value your own honor more than to allow yourself to stoop lower than you should when it comes to honesty, forthrightness, and good morals. It’s a lot easier to look in the mirror.
Ashley, I encourage you to go into the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. You will find other web sites linked in there. Visit those that you believe will help you. Among them is one for Nancy Anderson. Please visit her web site and go into the “Contact Information” of Ron and Nancy’s web site and write to Nancy what you have written here. Nancy also had an affair, except sadly, she DID go the next step and get involved physically with the other man. She knows what it’s like to be on that end of this type of behavior. I have a lot of respect for Nancy (we corresponded a bit in the past)… she has a great heart and is compassionate and wise and I believe she would be willing to help you work through many of your questions, including repairing your marriage and seeking God. Please try. I believe you will find much of the help you need. It would be good to “talk” back and forth with someone who is on the healthy end of what you are going through, having experienced it herself.
Also, you ask if you can “make it to heaven after what I did?” Yes, most definitely yes. We’re told in God’s Word the Bible in 1 John 1:9,”If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Sins are anything we do that is wrong. If you talk to God and tell Him that you are sorry and you don’t ever want to do anything like that again –that you want to live as you should, God will forgive you. He will then blot out the penalty for what you have done. You don’t have to go through a priest or minister to do this, you have direct access to God because of the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross for you and for me. But going to heaven involves a bit more. So, I also encourage you to go to the right side of this web site where you will see a blue box that says in white lettering, “Seeking Direction, Purpose? Find It Now.” And then click onto the arrow and explore the options they direct you to, including “Knowing Jesus” and then “The Good News” and even the “Contact Us” option. If you desire, they will contact you personally and help you to seek God in a way that will amaze you –one that will bring you much peace. They’re good people and are ready and willing to talk to you. Please take advantage of their help. They’ve all been in bad places themselves. Nancy Anderson can also talk to you about this, if you ask. I have no doubt that she will consider it a privilege. … I pray for you Ashley, that you will experience the forgiveness, peace, help and hope that you need. Please continue to seek Him, He is there for you waiting.
My husband discovered my affair 17 months ago and our marriage is still struggling deeply. The worst part about this whole mess was I happened to be newly pregnant with my husband of 11 years, thinking we would never have children, when he found out. This of course devastated him and he was diagnosed with ptsd because of it. We have been through so much since this tragedy.
When he discovered this he hurt me physically for the first time and only time, humiliated me by posting indecent photos of me on facebook, and slept with another woman to get back at me while we were trying to put the pieces back together. So I feel I’ve been punished over and over. Our child is 10 months now and she is the light of my life and we’ve learned a lot through all of this in how to communicate and treat each other better but we are stuck in a viscious cycle. He’ll be happy for several days, then he goes into a mood of ignoring me or being cold, then an angry phase where eventually he verbally abuses me to get his anger out so he can have relief.
That in turn angers me! I’m sure this sounds insensitive but I’ve been punished, I’ve answered every question he asks, I have repented and changed my life around to where God is first in my life. My husband even became a Christian and was baptised after my affair but he still treats me so poor. Now I’m pregnant again with our second child. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I’ve cried and prayed over him for the hurt I’ve caused and nothing helps. How long do I take his harsh words? I don’t want my children to see him treat me this way but I feel it’s God’s plan for us to make it through this. Prayers please…
Yesterday, I admitted to my wife of 5 years my two indiscretions. One was in 2012, the other in 2013. I no longer have contact with either of the women, but for a while one was a Facebook friend. I have severed any and all ties.
I have been torn with guilt for a long time, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. My wife had suspected about my 2012 infidelity, and like a classic cowardly cheater, I denied it up and down. We have had rough times since, with trust issues being huge. I knew that if I had any prayer of restoring what we had, absolute honesty was needed. So, I told her yesterday.
I am with the military, and I am currently away from home for two years for training. This will make any reconciliation and repair even more difficult, I think. I want nothing more than to have the relationship we had when we were first married, but I don’t know how to fix this absolute mess that I caused.
I’m in need of help. I’ve only been married for a year and a half but been with my spouse for 5 years. We are a young couple, him being 25 and me being 24. I recently cheated on my husband with one of his close friends and told him a week after the incident. He is very hurt and destroyed and so is our family. We have no children but I’m not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. I really love my husband and want to continue to be married to him. I need help on keeping my marriage. We are both lost and don’t know what to do.
My husband cheated on me. He lived with her for a month. The month of our anniversary, by the way. They were both messed up the whole time, and it’s supposed to hurt less since it wasn’t a love affair. He even describes her as “yuck” and that makes me only think you did this for “yuck.” I don’t know if I’d prefer someone beautiful or a woman he’d want to marry, etc… but it seems worse to me right now. I’m having a hard time getting images of them out of my head. Every mannerism and expression and sound he makes during sex, she experienced. I know what she looks like, and not ugly enough, but that doesn’t matter. I still compare myself to her and that angers me because intellectually I know that isn’t right, but emotionally I can’t stop it. I’ve been married 12 years and have five kids.
Hi. My husband has cheated on me in the past and more recently too, and even though I have evidence and have confronted him, he still denies it. It’s very hard because when I found out the last time, I thought things were good between us so I still am anxious and ask questions of phone numbers, etc. I do not say it meanly but my husband will say to me you know what, maybe this is not going to work if I don’t trust him. He also said a couple of times he doesn’t know anymore if he loves me with the last time being new years eve. Then he’ll say later he didn’t mean it and that he was frustrated with me but when he said it that he doesn’t know if loves me, he said he was being honest and he didn’t sound angry.
Also he sometimes pulls away and then will not want to hold hands, which makes me feel rejected. Yet it’s okay now for him to ask me almost everytime I am on my facebook, who I am talking to. I don’t mind though, and tell him. It’s like I feel he’s with me sometimes but he resents being with me. I love him and want to stay with him. I feel so in pain sometimes that I think of leaving but then the thought of actually leaving makes me feel even more pain. Not sure what to do. We are in marital counseling but he just said today he will tell the counselor he is sorry for wasting her time.
I’ve been married for 6 years, together for 8. We are a very young couple, married at me 18, him at 23. Just recently I had an affair, but it’s complety different from the normal. An old flame contacted me one day off Facebook that I knew had a rep for only wanting sex. I still don’t know why I replied to him; I’m a married woman. It ended up I got so caught up into what “nice words” he was saying that I agreeed that we should hook up.
My husband and I had been going through a stage where all we did was argue, and no love was being shown to one another. I went into depression and was put in 20 mg lexapro, which seemed to help me not care about arguing, but it also made me not care about what my husband or anyone thought. One morning the guy said he wanted to stop by and “see me.” I fell for it, remembering all the sexy and sweet things he was saying. I told him my husband was at work and he could stop by after my son was off to school.
He came in the house and we went back to the room and started in on it. We had just gotten to the “exciting” part when my husband walk in. He didn’t run after the other guy, he just said “get out of my house.” He then said calmly to me to pack my stuff and leave. I couldn’t believe what I had done, ruined our marriage. I didn’t want to go back, how could I? I didn’t beg him, though I wanted to. How could he take me back?
My husband called me over the next few days, I answered questions honestly. Yes, it was the first time, and within the first 10 minutes of the crime that he caught me. He told me he wanted to try and work things out, we’ve been trying for six months now. I’m off the lexapro and I know I commited the act but I feel the meds did somehow play a role.
We have our good days and bad days of corse, but what I’m here for is advice on how to help my husband more. EVERY morning he has chest pains, I think it’s anxiety, when he leaves for work. I’m a stay at home mom part time nurse on occasion, so I’m mostly home. He worries that I will do it again but I know I won’t, and I know that just saying that won’t gain my trust back. How can I help with the anxiety he’s having?
We FaceTime constantly and talk on the phone most the time. I let him see my phone whenever he wants, and show him things willingly. I’ve gotten a new number, stopped all contact with third party, and have deleted my Facebook. I feel like I have changed and have done everything to help him, but he is still stuck. He doesn’t like being helped and won’t let me help him like I want.
How can we move on and make more progress if I can’t help him? I’ve answered every question, even ones I didn’t want to, I haven’t held anything back. I tell him to ask me anything, though some questions I’m trying to still figure out myself, like why I did it in the place. I beat myself up everyday thinking about that question. So you see, this wasn’t your “normal'” affair, one time, got caught in the act.
Now my husband had flashbacks and anxiety like crazy, won’t go to the doctor to get help. I have horrible dreams like he does, flashbacks of the hurt and look on his face. Please has anyone had an affair like this? I’m beginning to think we are the only ones.
In may of 2013 I had an affair. It was a stupid, horrible mistake that will never happen again. I told my husband the same day. There were very deep issues I had to handle but even though I wasn’t sure at the time I still loved my husband. I couldn’t lie to him anymore than I had. We went to marriage counseling for about 4 months to no avail. It wasn’t that it was hurting us, it was just that he’s a very unsocial person and I was a person that always kept my feelings to myself. I’ve changed that. That is a main cause of why it happened.
Well, ever since, I’ve done everything I can think of to show my husband that I’m sorry and something like that would never happen again. Anytime he asks to see my phone I always show it to him without hesitation. I always let him know exactly where I am and if I’ll be late I let him know immediately and the reason I’ll be late. I text him a bunch of times throughout the day.
Lately it seems like there’s something wrong. He says sometimes he’s fine, other times he keeps thinking about it. We had a talk last night and he told me that bond we had is broken and he’s not sure if we can get it back. I told him I want him to think about it and decide if he can ever forgive me and start to trust me again. I know it is not a 1, 2, 3 thing; it takes time, and could even take years and years to start to get that bond back. I told him I love him and want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. I also asked him if he thinks he is with me just because of our kids. They are 9 and 3. I told him if he decided he didn’t want to be with me I would never be mad or resent him and I would never tell them but I would make sure my kids always know what a great husband he is and it not working out was never his fault. What else can I do to help him through this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
What about a situation when the one who committed an affair simply fell in love with someone who gave her everything that the husband could not? And the guilt of that affair made her break it off and remain married. The husband now is the one pushing her to “get over it” since HE forgave her? I know it sounds completely insane, but what to do in this situation?
Almost two years ago in April of 2013, I decided to leave my husband. We hadn’t been sexually involved in several months and we weren’t even talking and he had separated our finances because I had expressed to him that I always felt controlled and didn’t have a voice. But when finances were separated it did something to me and I felt as if we were nothing more than roommates sharing a bed. I was unhappy and so was he which made our kids unhappy as well.
I started going out with my old high school girlfriends who still keep in close touch. There was one high school friend who was more like a brother to me and his family was my second family. His mom even babysat all three of our children since they were born. However, the mom (babysitter) was very strong and often stepped over her boundaries with us and our parenting. I felt for her as though she was my second mom so I could look it but my husband could not. It started to cause problems as our oldest son grew. Our son started having problems with his dad and the babysitter wouldn’t back us up but would say negative things to our son about his dad which only validated our sons feelings toward his dad. As my relationship grew weaker I sought more refuage with the babysitter and her family until I left my husband and moved in with the babysitter.
This enraged my husband as he saw it that I was choosing the babysitter over him. When I would agree to move back into our home he got mad and very angry and would talk bad about to our kids which only made me more angry and thought leaving was the right decision. Within a months time I filed for divorce. Then months later while having gone out with all my friends I ran into and reconnected with a high school friend (not the babysitters son). We ended up having a relationship for 3 months. Within this time and when my husband (not divorced yet) found out about this guy flipped a switch and started this mission to get me back. But I was having fun and pushed him aside. I knew that this new guy wasn’t going to be in my life forever but I was living one day at a time.
When the relationship fizzled out my husband was still on his mission. We got together one evening to try to figure out the divorce stuff and he got down on his knees and hugged me and begged me to come back. I was scared of coming back because of what I had done and done to my husband. He assured me that we could make it work. We started secretly seeing one another around Thanksgiving time in 2013. A few weeks into December he talked me into moving back in with him. Ever since then it’s been a nightmare for him. He’s constantly in pain and turmoil not at the beginning but it has grown into it. He’s kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night and he’s constantly telling me he’s not sure if he can get through this but doesn’t want to let me go either. He’s been changed so much and he just desperately wants to be how he was before.
Until recently he wanted sex all the time. It was his way of creating a bond and the only way he felt I loved him. Now things have changed and it’s now hard for him to feel sexual for me and he just told me last night that he feels because he’s never been with anyone outside of our marriage that he feels cheated because I have. He says he now thinks and wants to have sex with someone else in hopes that it will help him to get over me being with someone. He’s wrote our sort on a blog and hundreds of people have responded to it and they say that’s what he needs to do…you want to feel better about yourself, go sleep with someone else. I just don’t know what to do. That’s not how you work on your marriage and its problems but who am I so say, look what I’ve done. He says he’s forgiven me but he can’t get images out of his head and thought races though his head constantly.
He and I and both of us together have been to counseling but it doesn’t seem to help him. He feels as if he’s smarter than them and they don’t give him anything that he doesn’t already know. I love my husband and I desperately want our marriage to work. I’ve restricted myself from the friends I had and am focusing everything into my marriage but it doesn’t seem to be enough and I don’t know what to do…
I had an affair after 21 years and four kids of marriage. I did it with someone he knew, although I didn’t from college. I continued the relationship via text after the physical part and when my husband found out I finally ended it. I know I hurt him deeply. He had over the years, watched porn and went to strip clubs, this was very hard on me when I already had a low self esteem but I know it wasn’t the same thing as what I did. I am trying desperately to save our marriage but he says that he can’t get past it and that the only option is divorce. He agreed to counseling but we went to one session so far and he says there is no hope but that he will continue to go if I insist. I don’t know what to do. I love him. Is there any hope God can change his heart and help him get past this even though he is closed off to the possibility?
Night before last my husband found out about an affair that happened last year and lasted several months. My world began to crumble because I did it in a time I felt unloved but when I felt that spark was back I ended it. I have always loved my husband and don’t even really know why I started it when we separated. I didn’t think we would get back together but we did.
I wanted control over my life that I didn’t have at all. I wanted to be free. Honestly I should have just stayed gone instead of coming back and hurting someone yet again that I love. My life seemed over. I tried to kill myself with pills but he found them and made me throw them up.
We have four kids but at this point I feel they will be better off with him anyways. I’m only going to hurt them as they grow. It’s what I do. I hurt the ones I love. He wants to leave but I don’t want him to. The affair is done and over with. There is no looking back. I was searching for something and found nothing. I hate myself. I hate everything about me