An Honest Look at Divorce

Honest look Photo club Gavel Divorce Paper Decree RightOurs is often called the throwaway society. Our foods are packaged in beautiful containers designed to be thrown away. Our cars and household appliances are planned for obsolescence. Plus, our furniture is given to the Goodwill shop not because it is no longer functional but because it is no longer in style. Our unwanted pregnancies are even “thrown away.” Business relationships are sustained only so long as they are profitable to the bottom line. Thus, as we give it an honest look, it is no shock that our society has come to accept the concept of a “throw-away marriage.”

If we are no longer happy with each other and our relationship has run upon hard times, the easy thing is to abandon the relationship and start over.

An Honest Look at Divorce

I wish that I could recommend divorce as an option. When I listen to the deeply pained people my natural response is to cry, “Get out, get out, get out! Abandon the loser and get on with your life.” That would be our approach if we had purchased bad stock. Get out before the stock falls further.

But a spouse is not stock. A spouse is a person—a person with emotions, personality, desires, and frustrations. Our spouse is a person to whom we were deeply attracted at one point in our lives. He/she is a person for whom we had warm feelings and genuine care. So deeply were we attracted to each other that we made a public commitment of our lives to each other “so long as we both shall live.” Now we have a history together: We may even have parented children together.

We cannot walk off from a spouse as easily as we can sell bad stock. Yet divorce as a solution to marital problems has proliferated. Divorce now is so widespread that sociologists have been able to complete extensive long-term studies on the effect of divorce upon the couple and their children.

Divorced Couples

Judith S Wallerstein, director of the largest divorce recovery center in the country has done extensive research following divorced couples for fifteen years after the divorce with regular interviews and inventories. She was seeking to determine the effects of divorce. Her findings are radically different from what she supposed. Wallerstein entered her research with the commonly held idea that divorce is a painful. But she thought it was a short-term experience that leads to greater long-term happiness. She theorized that divorce indeed provided a second chance for one who had made a poor marital choice. Her research led her to a far different conclusion.

According to Dr Wallerstein, the couple and their children never outlive the scars of divorce. Her findings are chronicled in the classic study Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce.

Couples have various goals, Wallerstein concluded, but they are rarely realized, for divorce greatly complicates things.

She writes:

“Whatever the reasons behind the decision, most people ending a marriage hope to improve the quality of life for themselves and for their children. They hope to find a new love, a more enriching relationship, a more responsive sexual partner, a more supportive companion, and a better provider. Failing that, they hope to establish a single life that will provide greater opportunity for self respect, contentment and serenity. Or at the least, they hope for less turbulence, intrusiveness, and hurt.

“People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses. They think, back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean. Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than expect.”

Here are some of the revealing statistics of Wallerstein’s fifteen-year study, and the researcher’s response to the findings.

She writes:

“Incredibly, one-half of the women and one third of the men are still intensely angry at their former spouses, despite the passages of years. To our astonishment, divorce continues to occupy a central, emotional position in the lives of many adults, 10 and 15 years later. A third of the women and a quarter of the men feel that life is unfair, disappointing and lonely.

“I knew that divorce is not an event that can be gotten over if one simply waits long enough. But even I was surprised at the staying power of feelings after divorce. There is no evidence that time automatically diminishes feelings or memories, that hurt and depression are overcome, or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. People go on living. But just because they have lived 10 more years does not mean they have recovered from the hurt.”

Children of Divorce

And what of the children of divorce? When parents divorce, children lose something that is fundamental to their development-the family structure. Typically, children feel intensely rejected when their parents divorce. Wallerstein agreed. She noted, “Children get angry at their parents for violating the unwritten rules of parenthood. Parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Some keep their anger hidden for years out of fear of upsetting parents or for fear of retribution and punishment. Others show it.”

She concludes: “Children do not perceive divorce as a second chance, and this is part of their suffering. They feel that their childhood has been lost forever. Although children need parents and parents want to continue good relationships with their children, parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce.”

Because we are creatures of memory and relationships, we carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime. Children whose parents have divorced put themselves in a different category. They refer to themselves as “children of divorce.” They recognize that the parents’ divorce has made its mark on them emotionally. Many fear for their own future marital happiness. And, in fact, the divorce rate for children of divorce is higher than those whose parents remain together.

Only a small percentage of divorced individuals claim to have found greater happiness in a second or third marriage. In fact, whereas the divorce rate in first marriages is 40%, the divorce rate in second marriages is 60%. And in third marriages, it is 75%. Thus, the prospects of finding a healthier marriage diminish with each remarriage. The hope of the grass being greener on the other side is just a myth.

Their Contact Continues

Divorce, unlike death, does not end the partners’ contact with each other. Most end up living in the same city, particularly if children are involved. Each parent wants to continue a relationship with the children. Thus, they find themselves having regular contact with each other whether they want it or not. The nature of these contacts often keep the wounds of a broken relationship oozing with infection for years.

Financially caring for the children is an obligation that cannot be discarded by a caring parent. Differences of opinion on handling the financial needs of the children often becomes a constant source of irritation between ex-spouses. Then there are the piano recitals, the ball games, the graduations, are the weddings. All of these are filled with tension as two parents seek to be there for their children. They do this, even while not being there for each other. Many of life’s joyous occasions are dampened by the attitudes of two ex-spouses who have different opinions about how the celebration should be conducted.

Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. The Wallerstein study found that 73% of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living after divorce. Evelyn was sitting in my office two years after her divorce from Bill. “Our marriage was bad,” she said. “But our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married. But now I have less time and less money. When we married, I worked part time to help out with the bills. Now I have to work full time. This gives me even less time with the girls. When I am at home, I seem to be more irritable. I find myself snapping at the girls when they don’t respond immediately to my request.

Divorce Can Make Things Worse

“I hate being the kind of mother I am, and I get no support from Bill. When he does take the girls, which is about every third weekend, he makes it a party time for them. There are no chores, no work, no responsibilities, just fun with Dad. They come home resenting me for expecting them to do anything. Sometimes I wish that he’d just get out of our lives. But I know that the girls need to have a relationship with their father. It doesn’t seem to get any easier, and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.” Thousands of divorced moms can identify with Evelyn. Divorce doesn’t treat them fairly. The stresses of meeting the physical and emotional needs of their children at times seem overwhelming.

Not all who undergo divorce experience such hardship. Yet, all find the adjustments painful, even when divorce is followed by remarriage. Wayne was all smiles when he said to me, “I finally met the love of my life. We are going to get married in June. I’ve never been happier. She has two children, and I adore them.

“When I was going through my divorce, I never dreamed that I would be happy again. I believe now that I’m about to get my life back on track.” Wayne had been divorced three years at the time of our conversation. However, six months after his marriage to Beverly, he was back in my office complaining about his inability to get along with Beverly and her children.

Struggles of the Blended Family

“It’s like I’m outsider,” he said. “She always puts the children before me. And when I seek to discipline the children, she takes their side and disagrees with me. I can’t spend a dime without her approval. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. How did I set myself get into this mess?” Wayne is experiencing the common struggles of establishing a “blended family.”

There are no “and they all lived happily ever after” divorces. The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. This is not to say that there is no life after divorce. It is to say that life after divorce is always impacted by life before the divorce. Because the marriage relationship is unique among human relationships and involves deep emotional ties on the part of the husband and wife (at least at some juncture in the relationship, because they have shared their lives with each other for a period of time), there’s no “walking away without pain.” The good and bad memories of the past will be ours forever. And whatever contact we may have with each other in the future, the reality of our problems will still exist.

Divorce Should Be a Last Alternative

Through the years I have counseled enough divorced persons to know that while divorce removes some pressures, it creates a host of others. I am not naïve enough to suggest that divorce can be eliminated from the human landscape. I am saying that divorce should be the last possible alternative. It should be preceded by every effort at reconciling differences, dealing with issues, and solving problems. Far too many couples in our society have opted for divorce too soon at too great a price. I believe that many divorced couples could have reconciled if they had sought and found proper help.

This article came from the book, Loving Solutions by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Northfield Publishing. Unfortunately, this book is no longer being published, which is unfortunate, because in it Gary Chapman offers loving solutions to the most complicated and stubborn marital problems, which many could find helpful.

— ALSO —

An article written by Paul Byerly, posted in The-generous-husband.com web site, gives the top reasons sited for divorce and Paul’s take on the real reason:

MARRIAGE LIE: The Primary Causes of Divorce

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Filed under: Separation and Divorce

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Comments

23 responses to “An Honest Look at Divorce

  1. (S. AFRICA) My husband has left me after having three affairs in four years. I have asked him to come home and with God’s help we will make this marriage work. His reply was “I know I will not be happy and this is not fair on YOU.” Help me please; what is he trying to say? Must I give up?

  2. (US)  The same thing just happened to me. My husband has cheated on me for 9 years. His 4th affair that I know of has lead him to leave me and we are getting a divorce. He told me the same thing “it is not fair to you”. We have 3 preschoolers. I am so glad in a way to be getting out of this abuse. But I am so sad he loves someone else. I pray there is a God one day that will bless me with a loving man who adores me for who I am the good and bad.

  3. (USA)  I have been married for 2 years. My husband is what every woman dreams of – kind, supportive, good provider, loving, warm and attentive. I should be happy – but I’m not.

    I met my husband 7 years ago, and at the time started seeing him to get over my first love, there was no attraction especially not sexual. I used him to move on because I didn’t think there was any hope.

    However I’ve stayed friends with my first love, I realised that this was bad for me and so ended contact with him. However I had a burning question of why he never chose me. What was wrong with me. Turns out that he did, possibly does still have feelings for me and the only reason he didn’t act on them is because I was in a relationship and heading for marriage.

    I am so overwhelmed!

    I cant help thinking what could have been. How do you force yourself to be happy with second best, when you know you could have what you’ve always wanted?

    1. (SOUTH AFRICA)  I don’t think your first love was been truthful to you. I am sorry to say this but it’s the truth. From my experience, men that love want to get married to you and they don’t want to delay because they want to be with you and have you for themselves.

      Your first love was slow in making a commitment because perhaps, he felt he was already getting the benefits of being married to you without having to marry you; that’s the reason. That’s why the Bible says marriage the bed must be undefiled.

      I met my present husband at the age of 28 as a virgin, and he is the only and first man in my life because I kept to that principle till I met the man God says is my husband…

      So, my dear friend, I know it will be difficult, but please pray to God to give you the strength to forget your first love, and be very happy, not just happy, but very happy with your husband, the man you are now married to. You don’t have any benefit by not been satisfied with him. Please don’t let your first love deceive you with words. The man that finally married you is more honorable than he is (your first love). I pray God will help you understand and give you grace. God bless you.

      1. I agree whole heartedly; people dont know the love of God anymore. I am not perfect and sure dont claim to be; I have given my all to get my wife to reconcile but after a year and a half she said God said it’s time to move on. She wants her cake and eat it to. I took my part in this make shift woman “who wants to have sex with everything that walks marriage.” I am willing to forgive which I’ve already done and squash the past but she keeps coming up with every exuse that it wont work. She is a saint and a true woman of God. Too bad she wont get to see him in the after life. I beleive your supposed to be saved before you get the kingdom.

  4. (USA)  Tracey, I agree, but why are you trying to force yourself to be happy with the second best? You see, according to your own description, you already have the best in your husband. But you don’t want the best, you are longing for the second best of this man who never acted.

    So I agree, stop trying to be happy with the second best. Be happy with the best that you already have.

    1. (SOUTH AFRICA) Tracey, love, the best for us usually sits in what we think we don’t need. Your ex did not love you enough and display his commitment to his love to you by taking the leap of faith to express his love for you.

      Don’t allow yourself to be one of those that have come to learn that what they parted with was actually what they meant to hold on to. Hold on to your sweet hubby so tight and don’t let the tactics of the enemy of marriage destroy what God has blessed you with. Let go of the past, dismiss those “what ifs” thoughts and look towards the future with your family. With the love of Christ, Lali

    2. (UGANDA)  Tracey, I totally agree with Tony. Stick to your Husband & be FAITHFUL to him. Try to change your attitude towards your Husband & your Marriage and make it work. You made a Marriage covenant before God & to your Husband please stick to it. The grass may look greener outside your marriage with your ex-boyfriend but all that is a Lie. Why he didn’t marry you in the 1st place is the more reason why you should not even think of leaving your Husband and going back to your ex. Leaving your Husband for your ex is like a Dog going back to eat it’s vomit. Your Husband is the BEST you have.

  5. (INDIA)  Reminds me of Gautam Buddha… He said that the primary truth is that ‘life is full of suffering’. The secondary but equally important truth is that ‘you can not escape that suffering’.

    Better suffer in the first marriage, than trying to escape, and duplicate the suffering in the second marriage. Once you accept the suffering as lifelong and inescapable – it becomes more tolerable! :)

  6. (BRAZIL)  “It’s like I’m outsider,” he said. “She always puts the children before me. And when I seek to discipline the children, she takes their side and disagrees with me. I can’t spend a dime without her approval. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. How did I set myself get into this mess?” Wayne is experiencing the common struggles of establishing a “blended family.”

    Most of my marriage can be described by the proceeding paragraph. What do I do about that? I live miserably and now we are separated. I don’t want a divorce but, I definitely want things to be different.

  7. (NEW ZEALAND)  Divorce is such a loaded word in the Christian world. While it is true that God wants to bless marriages and that spouses shouldn’t naively look for an easy way out when they encounter difficulties, Christians should be taught that God does not condemn the act of divorcing – in fact, He Himself always gave a provision for it and the Jews knew it. It is the treacherous act of abandoning/rejecting/pushing away your spouse that God hates (Malachi 2:11-16).

    When the Pharisees asked Jesus about whether one could divorce for any cause, they were questioning Him about “any cause” divorce, which was popular in those days, because the men began to add “causes” for divorce, since Deuteronomy said one could not divorce except for the “cause” of immorality. Jesus affirmed the Scriptures to say that that verse meant what it said, that one should not divorce except for the cause of immorality. They shouldn’t have added the hundreds of extra causes as excuses to divorce their wives, eg if they were unhappy about their food, etc. Jesus, however, did NOT reject the other well-known accepted cause for divorce, and that is for abuse – Exodus 21:10 says that a wife should expect food, clothing and love. If these were neglected, she could ask for a divorce even though only the man could write the certificate for divorce and if he refused, then he could be hauled to the synagogue and be beaten. Abuse is a more extreme form of neglect, so it was understood that an abused woman could divorce from her husband.

    Does that not make sense – that God doesn’t tolerate abuse? He hates evil and wants us to shun every appearance of evil. If we are to obey Him, then it would be hard to obey an abusive husband. People who advocate a separation but not allow for divorce are putting forward an irrational argument. A woman who is permanently separated from her husband is obviously not in a relationship with the husband and is in all ways divorced, except for the legal piece of paper. As if God is more interested in a piece of paper, endorsing a separation but not a divorce, because that would upset someone’s theology!

    1. (US)  I know it has been a while since this was written but I am grateful for the scriptures. My husband does not recognize his abuse, emotional and verbal. He denies and argues and wants proof of it. He has been to counseling. I have tried everything. He will not admit it and instead insists that I am emotional instead and I am not seeing reality.

      I am deeply hurt and cannot take it anymore. I want divorce and he is willing to give it to me as long as it is me who files because afterall it is my fault, which I think it is not. I desperately wanted the marriage to last forever but if he is not willing to change I see no hope. I tried boundaries but it made him worse.

      I think this is the last boundary and he is finally waking up or is he he is being very sweet because he knows I am serious? It may takes a break to reconcile but he says if we divorce he will never reconcile, almost like a threat to me. Any way I was glad to hear God is for divorce in my situation. I need God’s help.

    2. Sharon, Your explanation and application of Exodus 21:10,11 was well thought out and articulate. Thank you.

  8. (USA)  My husband and I have been married for two years. After three months of us being married I found two different accounts with singles websites. Both stating he was single looking for female friends and his location status was where we just moved to. I confronted him about it and asked him to delete them. I also asked him why he felt the need to have an account when we just got married. He said he was just looking for friends. He deleted it.

    Six months into our marriage I find out he is emotionally attached to another woman, an old friend, whom I never met. I asked him to introduce her to me but he wouldn’t. He kept making excuses for why I did not know her. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So when I came back from a week of being at my best friend’s wedding (which he did not want to go, but kept saying it was his job that wouldn’t let him), I found out he had taken this other woman on a date and kissed her. He admitted about seeing her but lied about anything happening and continued with the friendship until I finally confronted her. She immediately ended their friendship. He became angry with me.

    It took me a month to allow myself to forgive him and try to work on our marriage, but he wouldn’t go to counseling or go to church or buy books for us to read or even have devotionals. He continue to put friends before us and our child. A year later his flirtations and communications with other females starts again. When my insecurities came out I started reaching out to him, he just really didn’t listen and it would make me angry and I would allow my emotions get the best of me. It only made things worse.

    When we moved into a new place I had planned a nice meal for him and sent him a message to come straight home because I had something special waiting for him. An hour later he sent me a text saying not to worry about cooking for him because he was going out to eat. Later I found out he invited a female friend to go out to eat with him. I gave him an ultimatum, his female friend (who was married) or his family. He didn’t give me an answer so I transferred all his money to my account so I could pack and leave for my parents house 16 hours away. He got angry decided to pack some clothes, leave the car at our place and have the female friend pick him up so he can move in with her. He never left me a message or called.

    Another friend called me to see how I was, after seeing him alone with two other females I did not want him with (both were married). That is how I found out about him packing and leaving. I begged him to come home and got his boss to go and get him. He came back two days later. I was angry because or what he did. He said he didn’t do anything morally wrong. We tried working on our relationship and for a month it was good. The next month we both lost a family member. He lost his grandfather and two days after I lost my dad. It was rough on me because I was the only daughter and the only one to take care of my father’s finances. Because of this I moved in with my mother to care for her until my husband finished up his last two months with the Navy.

    When he got all of his papers signed to be discharged he was to move with me and my mom and our child just until we found a job and a home. During that two months of being separated he stopped calling and he had moved in with another female and her two kids. When I found out I got angry and told him I was not okay. His responses to everything was that I am controlling, I am demanding, I didn’t want him to have friends or any fun. That all I wanted was for him to be alone at the apartment we got for him to live at for two months that we were apart.

    I felt very disrepected and said I didn’t want him moving in with my mother and I that he could move in with his mother instead. He asked if that was my way of punishing him or asking for a divorce. I ignored his questions but all day he kept asking me that. I finally asked if he would do whatever it took to fight for his family. His reponse was “Direct question: do you want a divorce?” I was angry and said yes. He said he was done with me and started leaning on his female friend’s daughter. She just turned 15.

    Well, he ended up having an affair with her. I found messages between them saying how they are going to do things to each other and how they love each other. Their conversation was so disgusting it could pass for a porn. I confronted him and after two days of confronting I found out that they both would wait for her mother to go to bed so they could have sex and when he was done he would move to the couch so her mother would wake up in the morning for work and see him sleeping there.

    When I first found out about him moving in with them I called his friend. I told her I was not okay with him living there and being alone with her daughter. She replied that he was a good man, that I needed to isolate myself and that he just needed time to evaluate things. That him spending time with her kids was innocent. Everything I have found I sent to her. She told me to leave her kids and her alone to not contact them in any way.

    I am now filing for divorce. I’m also shocked at the fact the mother has not pressed charges. The police informed me that if she doesn’t press charges nothing can happen to him. I find that ridiculous.

    Now I am doing what is best for my child. His entire family keeps telling me to forgive and forget, to not report him, to let go and go to counseling, to not condem him, that if I report him to the police I will have to answer to God for that. They all try to justify his actions. He makes himself to be the victim when talking to our mutual friends. He has also asked me to not put down “adultery” or supervised visitations on the divorce papers. He said no body else needs to know. This is crazy. How can a man who says he loves his child and his wife do something so disgusting?

    1. (US)  Your husband has broken his covenant of marriage and he is abusive to you. God hates abuse and unfaithfullness. God loves you more and wants you to have joy and peace.

  9. (NAMIBIA) But what if my spouse was not my choice? Am I doomed to remain unhappily married? I’ve tried to make it work. I’ve fasted and prayed. I’ve literally cried, crying out to God to make me what I need to be to make it work. I still want out, just as I did from the beginning, if not more.

    Steve and Cindy and anybody, please advise. How angry at me can God be if I walked out, because I desperately want to?

    1. Did someone hold a gun to your head and tell you that you HAD to marry this man? I know from your other comment that you left under another article that you said you felt pressure from this man and from your family to marry this man, but unless you were dragged down the aisle and were threatened with death unless you married this man, you DID make a choice. Please acknowledge that. It may not have been one that you’re happy about now, but you did make a choice.

      Secondly, how do you know that you are “doomed to remain unhappily married” just because you’re unhappy now? Do you believe in God’s power of resurrecting the dead? Is your husband a Believer? Is there blatant abuse and/or infidelity going on? What brings you to the conclusion that you are “doomed” in this marriage? I just need to understand this a bit more before I would say anything else.

      1. (NAMIBIA) What had happened is that my mother said to me that if I did not marry him, and anything happened to her, that her blood would be on my hands and yes, those were her exact words.

        My maid of honour begged me to let one of the elders in the family know the circumstances under which I was agreeing to get married, but I felt that if my own mother wouldn’t understand, how and why would some other person. I remember missing my dad desperately, because he always listened to me. We could talk about things and I could make an informed decision.

        I believe and know all too well what the Lord can do. Before our separation, he was unfaithful. Now, that we are back, I have seen some texts on his phone, but I’m not the confronting type, so I never spoke to him about them. The emotional and psychological abuses aren’t there anymore. I am not going to speak ill about him. I got to know him now, but even with that, I still don’t love him and truth be told, I don’t even think he loves me in that way too. Looking at so many things, I think he got married because he had to, not really becasue I was/am what he really wanted.

        Cindy, I never thought that I would ever get married and have to divorce. I believe so much in marriage. I had always imagined my day, but I never thought that it would come in tears. I want to be happy, happy with the man of my choice and equally so, me being his choice.

  10. (PHILIPPINES) I’ve decided to set free my unbeliever husband 4 years ago and until now I don’t know what to do in life. We have 1 child and I’m thankful that she understands what’s going on with us. I’m still 25 and I’m thinking if is it right that I will go for divorce if my husband had already somebody whom she really loves? I can’t really decide and it’s good I’m studying.

  11. Dear Sister in the Lord, I have been a woman under much abuse in my marriage for over 15 years. I love and admire my husband in other good qualities in His life. I have forgiven much, and continue to forgive, since I myself need My Lord JESUS’s forgiveness. I do not and never will condone any kind of abuse. But I want to share part of my testimony with you. Because I have suffered a lot, GOD in His mercy, has drawn me close to Him in a special way. He has comforted me and loved me in so many ways, only those that have lived in my shoes would understand that kind of love and comfort.

    But at the same time GOD has spiritually spanked me and corrected in my wrong thinking and theology. When we are in abusive marriages or bad marriages for that matter, Satan comes and tempts us to violate our 1 flesh marriage vows and covenant that we have with our 1st spouse, especially if our spouse is unkind and unbelieving. Jesus taught us that except for fornication, we cannot put away or divorce our spouse. When we study the original meaning of the word fornication in Greek, we understand that it’s fornication between two unmarried people. SO what was our Lord teaching us? The Bible teaches us that whoever puts away their spouse or divorces their spouses to marry another, which is adultery, since they are still considered married to their 1st one flesh covenant spouse.

    The Bible teaches whoever marries the divorced commits adultery with them. So the innocent party cannot remarry either. Why? Because of covenant vows that represent the church espoused to their 1 husband who is Christ. That is why the Bible always teaches that marriage is a mystery compared to Christ and the church. Fornication as JESUS taught would fall under remarriages that are not one flesh original covenant vows that are considered adultery to their original spouses or fornication with a person who is not considered their spouse under GOD’s commands. Second marriages are considered adultery in GOD’s eyes according to scripture. You would say how is that possible, if you become a Christian after a second marriage and don’t know better. The word of GOD corrects our sins, and if we’re truly Christians, we will repent.

    Herod, who killed and murdered the greatest prophet of all according to JESUS, John the Baptist, was in a second adulterious marriage. John told Herod to repent of this second adulterious marriage. He never condoned it. In order for Herod and His adulterious wife to repent, they had to separate and live celibate or Holy unmarried for the rest of their lives, or Herodias Herod’s adulterious wife had to repent and return through forgiveness to her first husband. Herod had to return to His first wife, if He had one, through forgiveness and repentance or like I said, live holy unmarried. Fornication would under these such second remarriages or homosexual forbidden marriages, or in Jewish custom, there was a year of courting, and if the husband found His wife to be unclean or not pure, or fornicating, HE could put her away.

    Joseph, and Mary were an example of this. Joseph being a just man, wanted to put her away privately. Joseph was not aware at the time, that Mary was conceived of the Holy Ghost. So Joseph could put Mary away before their 1 flesh covenant vows were consummated through ceremony and intercourse. The disciples understood JESUS teaching, so they replied to our Lord, If this is so with the man and His wife, it’s better to not marry. Why? Because even if our spouse committed adultery it doesn’t give us the right to remarry and commit adultery, as well. We have to live celibate Holy and unmarried, or forgive our spouse and reconcile after much prayer and forgiveness.

    If you are in such marriages, I encourage you to carefully study the scripture and this topic with much prayer, fasting, reading of GOD’s word, to find yourselves approved rightly dividing the word of truth not being ashamed. Ask the Holy Ghost to guide you into all truth. My theology was so wrong, and because of abuse, I looked forward to my husband maybe committing adultery on me so I could move on and remarry what I thought would be a better spouse. I was soooooo wrong. I repented and GOD forgave me, but GOD has taught me to persevere, forgive 70 times 70, turn the cheek, love and fast for my husband. I do believe the Bible gives permission to separate if the situation is unhealthy and necessary, but never for lust or adultery. We ought to remain unmarried or reconcile to our spouse when possible.

    GOD bless you. Please pray about your current marriages. Though we have our carnal nature that desires to sin, as repented born again converted believers we aught to live Holy, not taking the grace of GOD as a form of liberality as the Bible teaches, not trample over the blood of JESUS. Eternity is forever to get this wrong. Fornicators and adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of GOD. Love you in the love of our beloved Savior YESHUA, Lord JESUS! Narrow is the way and very few find it, may we be found worthy of Him on that day! Blessings.

  12. If Jesus is the truth, I can hear the truth in your message and feel it in my heart. Thank you for your effort, good will and kindness in posting “An honest look at divorce”. My whim, fleeting needs and doubts can never be as fulfilling as the love I find in my wife. I guess, after 28 years of marriage with many ups and downs, its a sacrificial love that endures. Just understanding that you are committed to always being there for the person you said, so long ago, that you loved is a wonderful gift. It’s tough, and sometimes you may feel that it’s all just not worth it but I think we have all been given something special within us that lets us feel and know that we can only feel real love when we give ourselves completely and expect nothing in return.

  13. My wife suffers from a mental illness, pmdd, which led to a violent outburst in the home, property damage and scaring the children. She had to be removed. We found out that she stopped taking her medication. Instead of hospializing her, I told the police to allow her to call friends she could stay with until she was back in treatment. By the next week she moved all her stuff out and filed for divorce with the help of her friends. Four months later, she is still living with this couple and they make sure I don’t speak with her. Also, now she no longer has a mental illness. I have no idea why she wants a divorce, but I do know and have evidence that the couple has interfered with us trying to communicate. Because of “no fault” divorce laws, my family will be destroyed for no reason.