You might wrestle with thoughts like: God wants me to be happier than this. Once we get through the divorce, the children will adjust. In the long run, everyone will be better off. But the honest truth is that divorce is a tragedy with painful repercussions for everyone involved. More important, its advantages rarely outweigh its negative impact.
Divorce is ugly even when it’s between two nice people. The notion of a “good divorce” is a definite oxymoron. Whether it is the man who walks away or the woman who leaves, the very nature of divorce places a couple in an antagonistic position. It forces each of them to look after his or her own personal (and, yes, frequently selfish) interests.
…There are many reasons why we believe divorce is a choice you will regret.
Following are six that occur most often in our research.
1. Divorce devastates your children.
Although it is common to assume that children are resilient and “bounce back” after divorce, many recent studies reveal that divorce leaves children with lifelong scars. The reality is that kids (regardless of their ages) are innocent victims of divorce. And yet they often blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriage. At the same time, they lose the constant presence of one parent. They may also lose their home, their church, and their standard of living. They may lose their sense that life is secure, and their role models for lasting love and healthy relationships. As a result, children of divorce have a higher probability of being abused, having difficulty in school, and struggling with depression. There is higher probability of acting out violently, getting involved in promiscuity, falling into addictions, failing in their marriages, and rejecting their parents’ faith.
2. Divorce confuses and disconnects other people too.
Family members and friends feel like they have to choose sides, and they feel disloyal if they still love and respect the left-behind spouse. “My heart is broken,” said the mother of a walk-out woman. “I love her so much, but she will never understand how hard this is for me.” Many times the extraordinarily valuable interaction between grandparents and grandchildren is compromised or ruined.
3. Divorce is a financial disaster —especially for women.
It’s obvious that it costs more for a couple or family to live apart than to live together. Sometimes the family home has to be sold and other assets divided. Add in the lawyers’ fees, and from a purely monetary position, divorce doesn’t make sense. The impact on everyone’s self-esteem and the adjustment in quality of life is far more severe than most women ever think possible. Because women usually retain custody of children and because women usually earn less than men, the majority of divorced women experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living. This can be as much as 27 percent, while men typically gain about 10 percent.
One person summed it up this way: When you think of the thousands of dollars a couple spends on divorce proceedings, how much better if that money were spent on marriage counseling and attempts at reconciliation. Another says, “Divorce is much more financially devastating than most wives can imagine. I know because I’ve been there.”
4. Divorce rarely solves the problem.
It’s tempting to believe that divorce is easier than keeping the marriage together, but that’s simply not true. Running away rarely solves problems; we carry them with us like heavy suitcases. If you had communication problems in your marriage, chances are you will continue to have communication problems. If there are intimacy issues in marriage, those issues are likely to follow you out of the marriage.
No matter how painful your relationship has become, you really do have a choice. You can stay in the marriage and work on the issues where you are. Or you can leave and work on those same issues in a different situation —with all the added pain and devastation created by the divorce itself.
5. Divorce sets you up to repeat your difficulty.
It may be tempting, while in the throes of a painful marriage, to assume that things would be better with someone else. But research shows just the opposite. The truth is that second marriages have about a 60 percent failure rate. And that percentage increases exponentially for third or fourth marriages. Too often the complaints heard about a first marriage are the same complaints that develop in subsequent relationships.
6. Divorce often weakens your faith.
Knowing that God hates divorce, it is not uncommon for a walk-out woman to distance herself from church and Christian friends. As her pride and self-esteem tumble, she may become like a lonely ember separated from the fire. And her faith may slowly turn cold.
The school of life, as well as many passages in the Bible teaches us that difficulties help us grow. But walking away from our problems usually does just the opposite. It promotes immaturity because we escape the challenges and hard work of perseverance and patience. Yes, it is natural to look for a way out when facing adversity. But choosing to remain steadfast builds character and helps us discover the great faithfulness of God. God has set eternity in our hearts. And He is preparing us for the there instead of providing us with what we call happiness here. Unfortunately the choice between happiness and godliness is not always easy.
We realize that some of you reading this are in such dire circumstances that you must leave. If that’s true —if you’ve carefully and prayerfully considered your options, sought counseling, done everything you can to make your marriage work —then we certainly aren’t sitting in judgment. The road before you will be hard. We hope you will rely on your heavenly Father, who loves you no matter what. He is there to comfort, guide, and help you grow through this new kind of adversity.
Consequences of Divorce
But before you reach that point, we pray that you will think very hard about the consequences of divorce. We have found that people who think about walking away usually minimize the consequences of divorce. They believe they can beat the odds and make another marriage work. Many believe that their children will get through the trauma of divorce without any scars. They rationalize away their moral and religious beliefs by saying that God wants them to be happy. And yet they make a choice that leaves a wide path of pain for others.
You may think it would take a miracle for your marriage. But again, God is in the miracle business and nothing is impossible with Him. With His help, you can not only survive, but actually thrive in your marriage.
The Bible says that we leave an inheritance to our children’s children. If you intentionally leave your marriage and forsake your vows you made on your wedding day, you leave an inheritance of regret. We don’t know anyone who is proud of his or her divorce.
But if you stay in your marriage and with God’s help it turns around, think of the wonderful inheritance you will leave for others. It will be a legacy of faith and faithfulness. That is truly a rich and worthy gift to pass along to future generations.
Marriage Missions Editors Note:
This is what the Bible has to say on this subject:
“When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.” (Numbers 30:2)
“Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the Lord your God with your own mouth.” (Deuteronomy 23:23)
“It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows.” (Proverbs 20:25)
“…the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth. She is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:14-15)
“When you are making a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools. Fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, ‘My vow was a mistake.’ Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the works of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.” (Ecclesiastes 5:4-7)
This article comes for the outstanding book titled, The Walk-Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost. It is written by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, and is published by Multnomah. We HIGHLY recommend this book! It really is a “must-have resource!” It’s especially beneficial for women who really need practical help to breathe new life into their marriages, which may seem hopeless.
This is what the authors have to say, concerning this book:
“We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started ‘keeping score’ and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, and getting connected again with your husband. There is also help for resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.”
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
55 responses to “The Deadly Fallout of Divorce”
(USA) If divorce is so hard on children, what about staying in a marriage where the father is emotionally distant, has a horible temper, the mother is now depressed and can’t state her feelings or opinions because no one ever knows just what will set the father off.
When he has meltdowns and temper tantrums, the children cry because they don’t want him to leave because they are scared if he does, they might never see him. How healthy is that? Would divorce, even though they would have to spend time with him, be better? Not to mention that the kids are all getting his personality traits of not communicating (refusal) and showing disrespect and being argumentative. Is it okay to stay while everything deteriorates just so he won’t be with the kids alone, so you will always be there.
(USA) Hi Janet! I just read this and had to share my story with you! My Mom is a faithful follower of Christ and my Dad is an atheist. My Mom became a believer 2 years after they got married. My childhood was pretty rough. My brother and I lived in a home where my father sounds just like the man you described; emotionally distant, horrible temper, easily set off. We walked on eggshells all the time.
My Mom made up in love for the love we didn’t feel from my Dad. Many, many, many times my Mom wanted to leave my Dad. He just wasn’t the Dad she wanted for us, many times we all thought it would be better to be without him. Every time things would get bad (which was often) my Mom would make plans to leave, move out and head toward divorce. But every time she would feel like God was not releasing her. My brother and I would end up encouraging my Mom not to leave our Dad, even though it was rough. We vowed to continue to pray with her for our Dad’s salvation and stick it out with her.
I am now 24, married and expecting a baby with my wonderful husband. I cannot tell you how much it has impacted my life that my Mom stayed with my Dad. It would have been much easier for my Mom to leave my father for good, but she stuck close to the Lord, praying for the strength each day to deal with whatever my father threw at her.
You may think that your children are being messed up by your husband, but my testimony speaks a different story. If you are loving and guiding your children in the Lord, they will be more influenced by you. But if you slip away into depression and allow the negative influences to have a heavier hand, then possibly your fear will become a reality. Marriage is not something to try on and take off when it becomes difficult. That is not God’s design. You CAN do this. You CAN make it through. You have no idea the impact your decision will have on your children. Choose wisely dear sister.
(NEW ZEALAND) Do what the Holy Spirit is leading you to do. You should get a “green” light.
TD Jakes says in his latest book “Before You Do”, that you should consider all things carefully before you make a decision to leave. Decide what your dealbreakers are – no one can do that for you because what is tolerable for one will be intolerable for another. If your sanity, survival and safety are at stake, you should not feel guilty for leaving. It is YOUR life and no one is going to live it for you. If you and your children end up broken, who will they blame?
However, if you feel that God wants you to stay because there is something He wants to do, He will give you the strength and it will feel right.
(ENGLAND) My wife used to make me mad because she didn’t know me. I just wanted to be loved but she was after her own things, keeping up with Jone’s, her carrier, and her children. I was used. She wasn’t the Lord’s help meet for me, she was her own helpmeet with her own plans. She moved off with my children. Now I’ve missed them for 10 years. She moved so far away. I have spent thousands traveling to see my little children. She has exposed what is really in her heart. It’s not Jesus. BLESS YOUR MARRIAGE, IN JESUS NAME.
(USA) My Christian wife of 5 1/2 years has elected to go forward with our divorce. I have have spent the last 18 months fighting for my marriage, but today I am signing the papers. It breaks my heart to let her go, but this has come between God and me and as much as I love her and want her I can’t allow that. I pray that He changes her heart, and brings her back to me. Divorce will be final tomorrow 02/11/2010.
(USA) My wife filed for divorce in October 2011 and prior to that refused marriage counseling in 2010. I asked the same in 2011 and she refused again and refused again in 2012. Many friends tell me she is having an affair and is blinded by a demonic love. All I can do now is pray for her and that God will protect my childen from the fall out from this divorce.
For those of you out there comtemplating divorce DON’T DO IT. It’s a lie from the pits of hell that you will be better. Keep the wife or husband of your youth and take your broken marriage to God. Get Bible based marital counseling.
Get this book: Spiritual Warfare: Christians, Demonization and Deliverance, by Dr. Karl I. Payne.
I believe Christian marriages are under attack by demonic forces ordered by Satan himself. He wants Christian families destroy and serve as an example to non-believers that Christians are no different than them. This is Satan’s plan and it’s working.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Chris, my heart goes out to you. I am in the same position. My husband arrived in S. Africa yesterday (I am not sure where he is staying) after a one year affair with a woman in New Zealand. I have also decided to sign the divorce papers he has come back to S. Africa to have drawn up and present me with.
I am tired and the constant rejection I have received from him, I can take no more. I have constantly prayed for God to intervene but God needs a willing heart to work with. I have also spent the last year fighting for my marriage but it is hard to reconcile with your husband who refuses to talk to you “face to face”. I have not seen him for over a year now and he has chosen (very cowardly) to keep his distance overseas.
All this after 36 years of marriage. My heart is broken but the time has come to just let him go. Chris, I will be praying for you today (your divorce day). Nothing is more hurtful in life to have the one you love betray you. We will move on knowing God is always with us and in control.
(SA) Hi Chris, I am also going through a difficult time. Been married for 6 years and filed for divorce last year. Up until yesterday my husband refused to accept the summons, but also does not want to admit to his wrongdoings (affairs). It is heartbreaking for me, coz wev’e got a 5 yr old child, who is very attached to his dad. I am still praying and asking the Lord for guidance and trusting Him that nothing is impossible with Him. I am praying for you and trust.
(S.AFRICA) Yes I now know just why God hates divorce. I do believe that there is no such thing as a “nice” divorce. After 36 years of marriage my husband has left me for an old schoolgirl romance and got chatting with her on “facebook”. He has rejected all my pleas to reconcile and has constantly requested for me to just “let him go free”. I, of course, have not been able to do this up until now. I give up.
Yes, sadly I have no more energy or tears left and have decided to let go and let God take over. Not that I haven’t prayed for him and asked for God’s guidance from the very beginning. His request for us to remain friends is something I am unable to do. How does one remain friends with one’s husband you love, who is in the arms of another woman? Now the legal implications of this divorce are setting in. He clearly has no interest in my future well being and I have no choice but to fight for my rights. This has resulted in my husband becoming bitter and full of anger and hatred. So sad, but Gods warning about divorce is so true.
So to the husband I have always loved I say this: Go well my love I will miss you. I am sorry but I will be fighting for my own survival in life from now on. It hurts to know that you now hate me. What did you expect? I do not hate you or feel any anger. You have made sure I have no option but to fight back against my will. I do not want this divorce and never have. I live in peace knowing I have tried everything to save this marriage. God is in control. He will take good care of me. Goodbye and God bless.
(S.AFRICA) I have read all the comments here and I see that I am not alone in the world. My wife filed for divorce 9/02/2010 after 3 years of marriage. At first I was mad at her, and made a few stupid comments. But then I realized that I am the one that is wrong. I don’t deny my blame in this situation. I admit that I mistreated my wife, not physically, but emotionally. I ignored her when she came to me to go see a counselor. I am busy sorting myself out now, but my wife says she does not want to know anything about getting back together. I have been fighting for my marriage for over 2 months now, don’t know how long I can still go on. I would really appreciate any advice you could offer.
(South Africa) Dear Wayne, a friend of mine in 2007 divorced her hubby after her marriage of 5 years. She was married at 22. She says at the beginning she was happy as could be and they had two kids together until problems came, and hubby started seeing another woman. He got so involved with this woman that he neglected his family and it all began to fall apart. The situation became more and more desperate until they separated and hubby was seeing this woman, telling her in her face that he loves her and she (my friend) better get on with life. They finally agreed to a divorce and my friend says it was the hardest thing she ever did when she signed those papers, and hubby was not even moved. She came to South AFrica in 2007 that year and she went from one relationship to another with different guys hoping to find happiness.
The children had to stay behind with relatives and hubby was living the good life with his new wife and they even had a child together. To make matters worse the hubby father liked the new wife better and didn’t hide it from my friend. UNFORTUNATELY for the children, while the mother was struggling financially the father was well off but he wasn’t even taking care of the children. He NEGLECTED them. The new wife seemed to have a real hold on him. She was evil and they suffered from malnutrition the younger one even had kwashiokor. The relatives who stayed with the kids were also struggling.
The older child who was 7 at the time I met my friend, was hit the most and she would pray and assure her mother that daddy would come back because she was praying. At that time though, my friend didn’t want to have anything to do with ex hubby. She was even planning to marry someone else… until one day she confided in me and said she missed her husband and wanted him back. I thought she was insane. After all he did to her the horrible emotional abuse. Here is the man who was not even sending money for children’s upkeep and if she called he would tell her not to coz his new wife would be upset. She asked me for one thing, to pray with her for hubby to come back. She was my best friend and we had been through so much together. I am single so we were always together. We both went on a 3 days fast and prayed for her hubby. I don’t know what made me do that. Fasting was never easy for me let alone for someone else.
So we had 3 days of it declaring and speaking out loud saying by his name, I command you to return to your wife in Jesus name. You see there is power in the tongue. Don’t just pray for your wife to come back wake up at a midnight gate and make declarations. We fight not with flesh and blood and so you can’t solve with flesh and blood. We quoted scripture in faith esp that one, which says a man must reconcile with his wife, and the one which says what God has put together no man must separate and that include them.
We vocally destroyed his current relationship spiritually. However, after the prayer things seemed to get worse. He even openly showed hate towards my friend. The devil was mocking our prayers and it felt like we prayed for nothing becoz the arrogance this man had was beyond compare. It was in June of 2009. She even sent a message telling him how she misses him. We felt like we should put our faith in action but he replied to her telling her never to communicate; he has another wife. Ok so we left it all and we went on our business.
In September of that year Hubby sent a surprise sms which read… How are you? It was a shock him asking that. After three days he sent another one mourning his life, how things are bad for him and it seems he wanted comfort and my friend just said it will be well. Weeks after that he began sending messages saying he misses her and his family. On the other hand rumor had it there was now trouble in paradise with the other woman. And then the final confession came when he sent another message telling my friend that he is in hell and that he regrets the divorce and wants her back and wants to be the best hubby and daddy and he will try his best.
Fast forward a year later, they got back together again and the hubby joined my friend and the kids followed. He broke ties with the other woman and he pleaded with my friend to accept the other child, which she did and they both make sure he is taken care of. She even calls her her third child, which is something I don’t know I would do.
These two are madly in love and its been 3 years since they re-united. On paper they are still divorced but in spirit they were never divorced (the Bible says so, up until the other spouse dies). When I look at them I get so inspired. The man is so devoted to his family like he is afraid of losing it. My friend confessed all the affairs he had after they divorced. So it is possible to RE-unite with a divorced spouse or even stop divorce, even if you are a few hours from signing. Pray pro-actively, make declarations you have been given the power to speak and create also at the name of Jesus everything will bow down, including spirit of divorce.
Thank you Esther, This is inspiring to all who read this. We appreciate your sharing this victory. May God bless your friends and you for being such a good friend to stand by her and pray for her even when you didn’t understand it all.
This gives me some hope. My husband of 18 years came home last week and wants to divorce. We have 3 beautiful children. I don’t want this divorce but I know there are things we both need to change to make this marriage work. He has no interest in working on our marriage and feels maybe he just wasn’t meant to be married. He wants to do what he wants to do without having to answer to anyone. He says he just wants to be him. If you have any guidance on how I need to pray I would appreciate it.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Wayne, Yes how sad it is when your partner you love wants a divorce. It cuts into your heart like a sharp knife. If I can offer any advice to you it would be this: You have already acknowledged that you abused your wife emotionally; this is a huge step towards reconciliation. What your wife will now be looking for is for you to SHOW her you have changed. Words come easy and are not convincing.
I suggest you make the booking to see a counselor and inform her of the date and time. If she refuses to go with you go alone. Let her know this is what you plan to do. Act now before its too late. Don’t give up and pray and ask God’s guidance in everything you do or say. Keep reminding her of your dedication and love. Will be praying for you.
(S.AFRICA) Rose, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. We did go see a counselor just after she moved out and filed for divorce. She only went with me the one time, I still see him on a regular basis, she is attending a divorce cell group at her church. She said to me once that only God can change her mind about us getting back together. I pray every day that He does. I will keep you in my prayers as well. God Bless
(S.AFRICA) I sent my wife an email now, just thanking her for not ignoring me and for her encouraging words she has for the path that I am on now. She sent me an email back Saying she is glad I feel that way, but could I please stop sending her the marriage messages that I recieve from here each day. I sent her one. I know that I should not let it get to me, but it hurts so much.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Wayne, How sad I feel for you. Yes I know just how hurt you must be feeling. Sometimes I feel that too much pressure is damaging. Perhaps you should slacken off a little. Give your wife time to think. Let her know that you are not going anywhere and that you will always waiting and praying for her. It is good news that she is attending a divorce group at her church receiving Godly advice. God hates divorce and I am sure if she is among Christian believers that this message will be conveyed to her. Keep on with the counseling don’t let her see you slacken. If only God can change her mind there is so much hope for you. If she really is serious about that statement she made then God WILL change her mind. Give her a bit of space and time. I see a light at the end of the tunnel for you. I will continue to pray for you.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Rose. You are right, I need to slacken off a little. I have been putting too much pressure on her. I need to let God sort this out, the way only He can. I am away as of tomorrow at the Mighty Men Conference. I hope you have a truely blessed weekend. Will keep praying for you to. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for your prayers.
(S. AFRICA) I greet you in the name of Jesus, and I just want to say I read every comment from Janet’s comment up until by Wayne’s comment and I am fighting back tears so much now, as I am at work. I am crying because it’s so sad to see how the enemy takes that which God puts together. But I am also close to tears because of my own fears (I know God did not give us a spirit of fear but one of power and self control), but I am so scared.
I have been married for 1 year and 9 months and I feel that maybe we got married for the wrong reasons. I feel that my husband does not love and does not want me because I am not good enough for him. At times I just want to give up but I am reminded always that God can get me through anything. My biggest fear is that our marriage won’t last. We put each other down and we are constantly striffing. I always feel as though I am being watched to see my next wrong move and he is waiitng so next time when we argue he can throw it in front of me.
But can I tell you what sadden’s me most is that I want to change. I want to make it work even if it means I have to change alone. I want to bless him and be a blessing to him daily even if he is not a blessing to me. I want to be the best gift to him even if he takes life from me and does not give me any in return. And daily I battle; I know I do many things wrong because of my own insecurities and my own rejection. I try everyday something, but the minute he says something to me that is hurtful or painful every part of me wants to retailiate and hurt him too. The truth is I have been praying since we got married to restore my marraige. There is a kind of block that I cannot explain. Thank for listening.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Bonita, I am going through exactly the same thing you are. I have been married for 2 yrs & 3 months & feel the same way you are. I am also trying to change even though only I am willing. My husband is very stubborn & never admits when he is wrong & never apologises either when his wrong. And that is painful & it hurts, but I told myself that I am giving all of this to God. Only he can restore what has been broken.
I am earnestly praying that God begins with me, that I don’t retaliate against him when he says or does something hurtful aganist me, but rather embrace him with love. But like you say it’s a daily battle, it’s hard. The devil every time throws something my way to discourage me. But then I have to just pray & ask God to cover me with his precious blood. I wanted to give up many times, but I had to think & really ask God for guidance.
(S.AFRICA) The day has arrived. I signed the divorce settlement this morning and my wife picked it up. I don’t know whether to cry or throw up. I love her so much and I know God still has a plan for us. Thank you all for your prayers so far. I am giving my marriage to God now, He and only He can fix it. God Bless all of you.
Dear Wayne, It’s me again. Don’t give up, fight in secret don’t let even your wife know you are fighting. Let it be you and God. Yes I still call her your wife because you see the Bible clearly says it that they are not even allowed to remarry because to God they are still married until the other spouse does… so in biblical reality, and Godly reality, you are still married. So now get all the scriptures that say this, wake up at midnight. I keep saying midnight because most spiritual battles occur at that time.
Ask God for his Divine intervention in the war. WAGE a WAR. But first repent of all the sins you committed against God and your wife and even yourself. Then praise and worship God and start praying (declaring). calling your wife back. It’s not a crime or a sin, its biblical. You are the child of a King and the Bible says in that we are also Kings. It also says where the word of a king goes there is power. So your faith, your voice and the name of Jesus is a mighty weapon. Never do this alone. Your wife won’t come back by herself but by the power of God; it breaks the chains of divorce. The is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.
Fast if you can… on the days you can, and after that get on with your business. Thank God for answered prayer whether it’s going to be 2 days or 2 months or two years; God’s time is the best and meditate on that. God is not a man that he should lie. He is the one who said divorced people must reconcile. He is the one who said He hates divorce and let Him know you know that. Don’t take care of this complex spiritual business alone… Yes, divorce is beyond just what we see. There are forces behind it and those are the ones you must ask the fire of the Holy Ghost to destroy. In the mean time I am waiting for your testimony, whenever it will be… You will celebrate in Jesus name.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Wayne, The tears are flowing for you. This will probably be me in the near future. Satan surely is very busy breaking marriages up. There is nothing one can do when the one you love decides to end it no matter what. Only God can change hearts but it has to be a willing heart. I too am on the receiving end of rejection – it hurts like mad. Keep praying and give the matter all to God. He will see you through. You are his child and he loves you. Be assured that I am thinking and praying for you. Keep in touch.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Rose. I feel as if I don’t have any tears left. I have given my family and my marriage over to God now. I went to visit our son last night, I spoke to my wife and told her that I have given it over to God. She said to me that when she thinks about us getting back together, it freaks her out. It felt like someone was pushing a knife right through my heart, but I did not let her see that I was hurt, I stood up and told her that I love her. I did the Love Dare and yesterday was day 40, I printed out my Love journal and gave it to her. What she does with it is up to God. Thank you so much for all your support and prayers. God Bless.
Reading all of this is giving me strength. My husband -the love of my life – left me after 24 years of marriage with 4 kids dealing with them alone while he playing “happy family” with his Polish young secretary. And now they have a child together because that’s what she wanted. We had 4 kids and there was lots of love the for us.
My thought is she threw herself on him when he was weak with alcohol abuse. He is a functional alcoholic. He keeps telling the kids and me that I’m the love of his life but slowly he is drawing away from my 4 kids and family. He is a betrayer.
What do you do?? I’m confused and angry. I know he will help me if I ask, but I don’t. I just can’t believe he moved so fast to a new realationship and a baby too. No one agrees or is friendly with him. I feel sad for him. He was my first man and I was his. I just wonder is he happy?
I do wish him well, but I also wish we can comunicate of what happened. My kids are with me and backing me 100 percent. Bottom line, I love him, and I know that girl he is with is there to get a better life because she ain’t worth a dime.
Lots of pryers for him and I and mutal kids blessing to all.
(AUSTRALIA) When I read the comments from Wayne, I almost feel as if it could have come from my husband, whom I just initiated a separation from – he is crying over all his friends, saying he has done his best and I don’t respond.
What his friends don’t know is that I have lived with domestic violence, which he denies. The thought of reconciling with him is so repulsive it could send me packing with my kids to another country.
Yes, he is a Christian and no, he doesn’t beat us up (although he has used physical violence towards us in the past). He says he has made many mistakes and he has changed. They are not mistakes – they are patterns of power and control. He has not changed because he still will not admit fully to his abusive behaviour, blaming us for our lack of objectivity. Never mind that he has been arrested for aggravated assault.
So for me (and for other abused women I suspect), the six fallouts of divorce don’t apply – the divorce will be great because my kids won’t ever be abused again; friends will learn about domestic abuse; my financial positions can’t be worse because I will have more control over finances than I ever have; divorce will definitely solve the problem of our safety in our own home; we don’t have to repeat the difficulty having learnt the warning signs of abusive people; divorce is something that God has directed me toward in an amazing journey of faith.
(USA) Grace- Thank you so much for posting this. I think that each situation is unique and I am glad to have read your statements.
(USA) I just found this site, but I had to post this. My wife of 16 years wants a divorce and it is killing me. I know the last couple of years I was not the man I needed to be or should have been. But I have been saved by the Lord and I see what I need to do and the man I need to be, I just wish she would change her mind. I pray to God all day and night to remove the hurt and pain from her heart and fill it with forgiveness and Love and I ask for just one more shot to make it work. I know it’s one day at a time, but we have to start some place.
(AUSTRALIA) Donnie, you’re not alone in your pain. Many have commented on how they really wanted their marriages to work, but their spouses wanted a divorce instead. It really made me think and what I have come to conclude is that we really cannot twist someone else’s arm. Even if God were to answer your prayer and fill her with forgiveness and love she may still not want the marriage. Marriage takes more than forgiveness.
My own stepdaughter walked out on her marriage and although it broke all our hearts, we can’t convince her that they can make it work when we don’t walk in her shoes. She says she loves and forgives the man she married, but she cannot live with his erring ways. She gave him many chances and there came a time when she simply said, enough is enough. She is just not prepared to be put through the wringer again. In that case, all the other spouse can do is to put their hope, happiness and trust in the Lord, not in a man or a woman.
(USA) I may be late coming into the marital struggles of Rose, Wayne, Bonita an Leigh. First I’d like to say I believe each of you are searching your hearts for Godly answers. Your struggles bring tears to my eyes because I have been through some of the same problems… I have separated from my wife because it was
unbearable for me… Step Grown children in a blended family can and will destroy a marriage.
On a daily basis my spouse and I were in constant battles over her 2 sons living with us and taking control of our home. One Son even brought an ex girlfriend in our home to live unmarried with him. He is 40 years old the other son is 44 and lives an alternate lifestyle. It is well known and documented they both use meth, smoke dope and drink excessively. Their Sister is more responsible. She works but has problems with drugs.
I did try hard to help the sons get jobs, take them to work, helped one get into rehab with no positve changes. On several occasions I suprised the younger son coming home and found him in bed with girls from where ever… That became a dangerous situation along with keeping illegal drugs in our house.
Their Mother is protecting them and covering up for their lifestyles. Paying their child support and so much more… I can’t relate to you in this note how devastated and depressed I became over 7 years of the same behavior… Now that I am not under the control of my spouse and live close to my son and grandchildren I have at least gained more faith and believe even now God can change it, all things are possible with Him.
I do believe there is that character in my spouse to be a wife and help me serve God the way He has planned but if she is going to continuously allow interference from her children and other family members to interfere in our home with their lifestyles it will not work… Thank you for reading and may God bless each of you and grant you more peace and love.